The Rock (1996)

Oh, the Stupidity!

Lots and lots of loud, martial, “inspirational” music, riveting “action”, tons and tons of sh1t blowing the FCK up(!!), tons of other sh1t smashing into more other sh1t, some of that sh1t then BLOWING UP(!!!), oodles of manly man macho “dialogue”, some of it manly male-bonding, some of it manly-man conflict, 99 44/100 percent pure adrenaline, 100 percent overload of testosterone.

In other words, a typical Simpson/Bruckheimer flick.

I cannot use the word “film”, as “flick” is the appropriate term.

Unlike some of their better efforts, especially ‘Crimson Tide’, this does NOT escape the unbelievably absurd formula-muck most of their films/flicks slog through or sink down into.

‘Crimson Tide’ has less bullsh1t, less “action”, less cr@ppy “dialogue”, some decent characters, and the benefit of two great actors(Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman) and a great supporting cast.

This has Nic Cage and Sean Connery.  Scarcely replacement…and the same goes for the supporting cast.

It has its moments…if you can somehow overlook or cringe/laugh through the character/plot “development”, the scenes with Ed Harris/David Morse/The rest of the “bad” guys (especially briefly with Connery) are interesting.  And when you throw this much sh1t on the screen trying for excitement, you’re bound to generate at least SOME.  Caveat Emptor.

Inspirational Quote: “Patriotism…is the Virtue, of the vicious…according to Oscar Wilde.”

Grade: C

Why The Bruins Should Trade Tim Thomas

Look at Martin Brodeur.  Four time Vezina winner, one of the greatest goalies ever…but look at him now at age 39.  It’s kind of sad.

Thomas is 38.  He plays an unorthodox style that depends on extreme flexibility, athleticism, and pinpoint reactions.  He’s got a year left, maybe two.  Noone defeats age.

Also, his favorite person to have dinner with is Glenn Beck, if you need a personal reason.

Tuukka Rask is 25 years old.  He’s tested in the NHL, including the playoffs.  His numbers the past two seasons have been comparable to Thomas’.  He’s THIRTEEN years younger.

Am I the only one that isn’t blind here?  Trade Thomas while he has value, get a goalie that is used to being a backup, and put Rask in net next year.  In exchange, we get a forward who can actually score, or an upgrade on our (GAG) third defense pair.  I mean, come on…it’s just common sense.

I’m a big B’s fan…but Thomas is nearly done.  Let’s not go the way of the Celtics and have him fade away like the Big Three while getting NOTHING back for him.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Deadgirl (2008)

The message of this movie seems to be that (almost?) all teenage boys are wanna-be necrophiliacs/rapists.

I don’t buy it, and it’s easy to ignore the message when the movie sucks.  Really sucks.

Inspirational Misspelling: Look for the sign.

Grade: F-

Men In Black II (2002)

It’s not as inspired as the first…the script is mediocre in comparison and while Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith do their able best to sell it, the supporting cast is forgettable at best (Except Tony Shalhoub, who appears all too briefly).

If you haven’t seen the first, I’d recommend seeing it.  If you don’t plan on seeing the third, this is optional but not necessary.  If you do plan on seeing the third, this is good enough to watch once as a warm-up.

Inspirational Quote: “It rains because you’re sad.”

Grade: C+

Survival Of The Dead (2009)

The vast majority is generic zombie sh1t that’s been done a million times before by many different people (Romero included).

And just when you think that FINALLY the movie has moved beyond that, that Romero is going to make another “statement”, this time regarding existence or some other deep thought, it stays exactly the same.  Maybe all of his “statements” all along have been purely accidental, because this sucks.

Labour of Worthlessness.

Grade: F

9/16/13: While pruning my F List, I came across this.  I thought maybe I should take it off.  The reason I don’t is because, with all the sh1t that’s come out in the zombie vein since ‘Night’, the fact that Romero seemingly is stagnant enough to make something so unbelievably redundant and meaningless in the very same genre he himself sparked (if not created) is deserving of nothing less than a big fat stamp of failure.  Well done, George.  Grade: F

The “Yap Yap” Hypothetical

“Well, you don’t know that the universe wasn’t created by a flying bowl of pasta either…do you consider that a reasonable possibility?”

No.  See Atheist Bill Maher’s quote on “doubt”.

It’s really impossible to have a discussion on logic and reasonable possibility with someone whose position is, by definition, satire.  A joke.  It’s hard to argue against a joke…because then they think you don’t get it.  But sometimes jokes just aren’t very FUNNY…

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Tangent

“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely
energy condensed to a slow vibration—that we are all one
consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no
such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the
imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

– Bill Hicks

Parents (1989)

It could use a lot more Basil Exposition, and you knew that wine rack had to go in slooooo moooooo…it would be predictable to call it predictable.

It’s creepy as hell, of course…but it takes 81 minutes to accomplish what ‘Impeccable Lifeboat Cannibals’ and ‘The Undertaker Sketch’ do in about 5.

Inspirational Quote: from this movie?  dialogue is at a premium.

Grade: D+

Men In Black (1997)

It’s a really good cop-buddy action/comedy film.  With aliens.

Inspirational Quote: “You know I’ve noticed an infestation here.  Everywhere I look in fact.  Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum…totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short…pointless…lives.”

Grade: A-

The Arrival (1996)

The acting is mediocre and/or methodical, the script is lacking, the continuity is poor, and the aliens are cheezy.

But it is…interesting.

Inspirational Quote: “If you can’t tend to your own planet, none of you deserve to live here.”

IQ2: “Zane, for once in your paranoid life will you please just TRUST me!”

Grade: C-

10/31/13: Well, Sheen’s acting isn’t bad actually. And Ron Silver is good, in limited action. Grade: C

8/9/14: One of the best, most interesting cheezy failures I’ve ever seen. Hey, Shar’s actually pretty nice…and cute. (I know, S=C). Grade: C

11/29/16: See ‘Clash Of The Titans’ for a fairly equivalent example. This is the benefit of enjoying *repeated* viewings. Grade: C+

The validity of DH’s recent “Clean Hockey” stance

“Late in the deciding Game 6 of the 1993 Patrick Division Semifinals between the Capitals and New York Islanders, Pierre Turgeon stole the puck from Hunter and scored, putting the game out of reach. Hunter, who was trailing Turgeon on the play, checked Turgeon well after the goal as he started to celebrate. Turgeon sustained a separated shoulder from the hit, causing him to miss all but Game 7 against the Pittsburgh Penguins in the second round, as well as most of the series against the Montreal Canadiens in the conference finals. New NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who had earlier promised to crack down on violence, suspended Hunter for the first 21 games of the 1993-94 season — at the time, the longest suspension in league history for an on-ice incident (in terms of games missed). Years later, Hunter admitted that he’d gone too far.

With amassing a staggering 3565 penalty minutes, Hunter currently has the second-most penalty minutes in NHL history…When the Capitals retired his No. 32 jersey, he was presented with the penalty box from the demolished Capital Centre at the retirement ceremony. Hunter is the only NHL player ever to score over 1,000 points and rack up over 3,000 penalty minutes (1,020 points and 3,565 PIMs over 1,407 NHL games).”

-Wikipedia

Paraphrasing Michael Palin regarding the potential for eventual HC watchability

“Listen lad…I built this kingdom up from nothin’.  When I started here all there was was swamp.  Other kings said I was daft to build a castle in the swamp, but I built it all the same, JUST TO SHOW EM!  It sank into the swamp.  So…I built a second one.  That sank into the swamp.  So I built a third one…that burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp.  But the fourth one!  stayed up!”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Human Centipede (2010)

Not sure what’s better, the inspirational “dialogue” or the riveting “action”.

The lack of any attempt at humor or intelligence leaves one wondering how a film about a man surgically attaching people together could be really, really dull.

“…the grotesque fusion at least silences the female leads, both of whose voices could strip paint.” – Jeannette Catsouli

Inspirational tongue-lick: guy climbing the stairs.

Grade: F-

Tucker & Dale Vs Evil (2010)

When the most visually disturbing scene in a movie featuring self-impalement on a makeshift spear and someone diving head-first into a woodchipper is a guy licking someone, you know that you’ve graduated from generic “horror” gore/trash to fairly clever ‘Shaun of the Dead’-esque (in its genre-bending) comedy.  More than just camp.  Nothing revelatory, but as a ray of brilliant sunshine through parting clouds after any worthless gore flick.

Inspirational Quote: “I should have known if a guy like me talked to a girl like you, somebody would end up dead”

Grade: C+

12/6/12: It’s a clever little b@stard, even though it’s not as funny as it wants to be.  Grade: B-

Three Kings (1999)

The casting, at first glance, seems quite odd and doesn’t bode well for the movie, at least to me.  But it turns out that everyone plays their role very well.  When I think “great actors”, George Clooney and Ice Cube don’t exactly spring up at the top of the list.  But they each establish a definite personality for their character, and maintain it consistently throughout the film.  Mark Wahlberg’s performance is even better, and even Nora Dunn and Jamie *bleepin* Kennedy are convincing as what they set out to be (noble artistic integrity and moronic comic relief, respectively).

Not really a “War” movie because, well…the war’s over when the film starts.  It blends action, drama, and comedy (sometimes obvious and sometimes cutely subtle) without any of the three elements taking away from any of the other three.  Quite a trick, really.  In that way it’s a bit Princess Bride-ish (that’s a compliment) without the romance (unless you count Clooney’s quickie).

A bit overlooked when it came out, this should have done a lot better than it did.

An excellent film.

Inspirational Quote: “Major Gates Major Gates!!!”

Grade: A

3/7/15: So did Schmitt’s Gay rip off the intro or vice-versa?

In all seriousness…

I never understood the policy of not standing happy endings.

I never understood the policy of not standing sad endings.

I never understood the policy of not standing neutral endings.

Provided they’re done realistically, they should all be accepted for what they are: part of life. Grade: A

Platoon (1986)

It’s stark and brutal, which is appropriate for a war film.

It’s well-acted and contains characters with actual personalities that generated genuine reactions from me, both positive and negative, sometimes a little of both, which is necessary for a great film.

I find the moral ambiguity still refreshing and the movie still undated 26 years later.

Willem Dafoe is always a plus, and Tom Berenger turns in the performance of his career.

What the hell happened to Charlie Sheen?

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t need that sh1t…I AM reality.”

Grade: A

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

I’ve seen this way too many times so it doesn’t amuse me nearly as much as it originally did, but I think that’s more because the observations on pretentious, stupid Arena-Rock bands and their inevitable descents were more cutting and applicable in 84 (or even 94) than they are today.  Bands seem, to me, to have learned to have a bit more of a sense of humor about themselves (with some exceptions) and the jokes hit home a lot more when you’ve been listening to the same pretentious and/or declining bands that the jokes apply to so aptly (Yes, Aerosmith, AC/DC, etc…).

A lot of people who didn’t grow up at or around the heyday of Arena Rock will probably just see this as a completely absurd collection of nonsense…but the fact that this was, at least at one time, VERY close to reality is just as sad as it is funny.

Nevertheless, it’s a must-see if you haven’t already and from what I hear it’s pretty d@mn accurate as pertains to a lot of its targets, according to some of the targets themselves.

Inspirational Quote: “You can’t really dust for vomit”

Grade: A-