Traffic (2000)

Only occasionally as “riveting” as it wants to be, but always interesting.

Benicio del Toro and Catherine Zeta-Jones are the standouts.

Definitely worth seeing if you haven’t yet, but it’s doubtful you’ll ever feel the need to revisit it.

Grade: A-

Puppy Presents – Good Songs By Otherwise Useless Artists(As They Come To Me)

Bananarama – “Cruel Summer”
Misery Signals – “Worlds & Dreams” (NOT unlistenable horsesh1t, for once)
Michael Penn – “No Myth”
The Breeders – “Cannonball” (Festering in Black Francis’ memory)
The Primitives – “Crash”
Bob Welch – “Ebony Eyes”
The Charlatans – “The Only One I Know” (The hit “Hush” never should have been)
Cracker – “Low”
ABBA – “Dancing Queen” (I CAN’T HELP IT!!!)
Angie Aparo – “Spaceship”
Ben Folds Five – “Brick”
Berlin – “The Metro”
Big Country – “In A Big Country” (A Flock Of Royal Canadian Mounted Geese)
T. Rex – “Jeepster” (“Get It On (Bang A Gong)” sucks)

Last Updated: 12/22/13

Ministry – A Clarification

I’ve been informed that I am the subject of tepid (it makes sense…see ‘Analysis of “Goths – Analysis Of A Subculture (By Puppy)”‘) ridicule for classifying Ministry as “industrial”.  Apparently, Ministry is far too poppy and tuneful and has actual song structures as opposed to hyper-repeating discordant noise.

Guest Response: “Like the good orthodox category-haters you’d figure, these perverts claim they’re not industrial, which is true only in the sense that Led Zeppelin wasn’t metal: they may be too good for the category, but that doesn’t mean they’re not of it. And like Led Zep, they’re cold bastards who are worth your time even if you think you don’t like what they do, which is toning up your cardiovascular system by running you over with a tank.” – Robert Christgau, ‘Ministry – Psalm 69’

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Boy And His Dog (1975)

Harlan Ellison NO! It’s ‘Horny Max – Beyond SpermDome’

Non-fans of Don Johnson may want to take a quick peek at this.  I believe it wasn’t actually INTENDED to be pure camp…

“A young man roaming a postapocalyptic wasteland ends up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society — which wants his sperm.” – Netflix Streaming Description

Wow…sounds like a dream I had once.

Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get back in the dirt so I feel clean!”

Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

Dragonlance: Dragons Of Autumn Twilight (2008)

What an amazingly bad animated film/crushing blow to the wistful memories of a young lad reading the not-anywhere-near-as-embarassing (quite good, actually) book of the same name.

If you’re a fan of the series (that is to say, ‘Chronicles’ and ‘Legends’, not the bloated franchise which followed) like I am, rest assured, from one fan to another- this is NOT a case of people just “not getting it” when you hear that this sucks.  It sucks.  It’s embarassing/laughable to watch.

Highlight: Tika’s animated butt

Grade: F

Life Is Beautiful (1998)

I don’t get it.

It’s as funny as ‘Hogan’s Heroes’ or a really bad Stooges short.

It’s a mediocre slapstick farce set against the backdrop of The Holocaust.

It’s unfunny, it’s dull, it’s a trivialization.

I believe in the power of positive thinking…but to think that “positive thinking” can in any way, shape or form turn a Concentration Camp into a fun little game is absurdism.

Grade: D

5/3/14: My comments are accurate, but I needed to make the grade more precise.  Grade: D-

Food, Inc. (2009)

Extremely informative, and well made.

However it’s not the most EXCITING subject in the world…so I’d recommend, if you want to get all the information without having to watch the movie, just going to the website…

www.takepart.com/foodinc

Information is power, after all.  But sometimes it doesn’t make all that interesting a movie.

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

The A List – Books

Hagakure: A+
Nineteen Eighty-Four: A+
The Running Man: A
The Legend Of Huma: A
Rock Albums Of The ’70s: A Critical Guide: A
The Rolling Stone Record Guide (1983): A
Christgau’s Record Guide: The ’80s: A-
White Gold Wielder: A-

Last Updated: 5/26/14

White Gold Wielder (1983)

Prior to and after reading this book, I read several other books by Stephen R. Donaldson.  The ones that I read AFTER this, I read because I hoped he could recapture what he finally achieved here.  The ones I read PRIOR TO this, I read because while they were a bit pedestrian, unnecessarily (and uninterestingly) convoluted and just plain mediocre, there was SOMETHING there, or so I thought…every once in a while, Donaldson would evoke an image or stir an emotion that made me STOP wanting to put it down.  Then it’d go away, and I’d wait patiently for the next time…which meant long periods of drudgery rewarded only sporadically.  Still, it was enough to keep me reading the entirety of ‘The Wounded Land’ and ‘The One Tree’, neither of which are worth re-reading…the brief summary at the beginning of this book is quite enough to get you “caught up”.

So I don’t know if I was more astonished or vindicated when this book started off better than either of the previous two, climbed incrementally until around the middle, and then climbed exponentially near the end.  It’s a one-hit wonder…it’s pretty good in the first half and brilliant after that.  And I have absolutely no idea where it came from.  It was as if, just briefly, he was fully possessed by fervent inspiration, driving home emotions (some rewarding, some painful) with irresistible force that changed my attitude from “almost wanting to put it down” to literally being equal parts awed and terrified by the immense power of his writing; not wanting it to end because it was so amazing, not wanting to READ the end because it could be so potentially gut-wrenching, wondering WHY I suddenly cared SO MUCH about the two main characters.  It still puzzles me today…and I still can’t think of portions of it without feeling actual physical pain/sadness.

Usually I enjoy re-reading books that I like.  In very rare cases, I prefer not to, because they affect me so greatly (in some way) that it takes me a while to literally get over the feelings they induce.

I don’t think I’ll ever read anything by Stephen Donaldson ever again, “re” or otherwise, but this is the only one that places in that category for reasons of “Self-Preservation”, and not boredom.

Inspirational Quote: “Nom”

Grade: A-

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992)

Oh my golly will you look at that.  Clive has made a movie that’s ALMOST as good as ‘Lord of Illusions’.  Let’s do the math…from 87 to 92 to achieve a tiny step up, from 92 to 95 to achieve another.  Perhaps, if I look really hard, I can find something he’s made recently that is a worthy candidate to stand alongside ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’.

The lone positive you can take out of the club massacre scene is that, being a goth-y club, at least 10 percent of the people probably didn’t mind it all that much.

Grade: D-

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Fans will insist that I just don’t get it, but I do.  It just sucks. 

If you’ve noticed, the longer reviews tend to be for movies that made me think a lot.  ‘Natural Born Killers’, for example, even though I didn’t like it.

There’s no thinking involved here.  It’s Wanna-Be-Stephen-King’s little slice of Hell, part deux.

Grade: F

Hellraiser (1987)

Maybe I could attempt to enjoy this as worthless cheezy sh1t if it wasn’t so pretentious.

This is only scary in the sense that I realized I actually had to WATCH the fcken thing again before I reviewed it.

Clive Barker was always a (very) poor man’s Stephen King, and this shows why.  It’s just plain dumb.

Grade: F

Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)

This movie is as different from the first as the title suggests.

It’s got a lot of funny/interesting gags, but they were funnier and more interesting the first time.

Since this is otherwise basically a carbon copy of the original, there’s absolutely nothing “new” here…you might laugh at the jokes, but they won’t surprise you.  Why?  Because they’re the same kind of jokes as in the first one, only not quite as good and (obviously) not quite as fresh.

At least ‘The Naked Gun’ plopped funny/interesting meaninglessness into a new setting.

But I still like it…not as much as the first, but it’s not nearly as abysmal as some people would lead you to believe.  ‘Airplane!’ wasn’t exactly a work of cinematic art, so let’s not get too down when the sequel is a (slightly-less) pleasant bit of fluff.

Grade: B

I Am Puppy Hear Me Degrade – Godsmack, “Voodoo”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SSUQxGjZZ4

0:04- Then please get there.
0:09- What if the snake wasn’t poisonous? Suggested re-lyric that would be hilariously out of rhythm with the first line: “When I feel the poison from the snakebite of the snake that just bit me assuming it was of the poisonous variety found in this particular region enter my vay-ee-ayns…”
0:15- Man…I gotta get back to Medieval Manor(tm Medieval Manor, all rights them).
0:17- Because you got really excited in a sexual fashion.
0:18- COWBELL! Oh…no.  Well, close enough…I got a FEE-vah…and the only pre-SCRIP-tion…is more TRIANGLE.
0:26- Look at that horrific natural disaster…and the fire and burnt field, too.
0:32- “One Day…it will Guard your Life…” or, if you prefer…”Hey, it’s “Meh”dusa”.
0:44- Nice crotch shot.
0:52- Nice Eddie-Vedder-from-“Hunger Strike”-impression…also, maybe the huge FIRE behind you will stop you from freezing.
0:59- Don’t forget to breathe out.
1:03- I thought you didn’t wanna be here in the first place?
1:08- HAHA or Hey!  Blue Man Group!
1:13- See “0:09”
1:15- The sinister “Finger-wag” of doom.  McKayla is not impressed.
1:19- This is the movie that was rejected as being too childish as opposed to ‘Pathogen’.
1:24- That’s a big one.  How long is it?
1:26- HAIKIBA!
1:27- The Dozen-Or-So Whores Men of the Ughpocalisp.
1:34- They don’t seem to be helping with the fire.
1:37- Well, YEAH.
1:51- Severe over-acting.  Perhaps Graham Chapman can do something for him.
1:59- AGAIN?
2:07- Hide-and-Reek
2:17- Too easy.  Repetition.  The key to comedy.
2:33- The key.
2:40- The sensuous wannabe-pagan ritual begins…
2:47-3:09- While we’ve got some free time, have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopedias?  They can really do you wonders.
3:25- to come
3:35- I’m outta here, you dumba$$…
3:41- dy.
3:56- The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Naked-Jogger.

And I LIKE this song.

Godsmack/Puppy >.< Yip!

All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989)

I had no idea about the background of this movie, and was going to write a typically casual, off-the-cuff review.  I don’t really feel right doing that anymore…so I’ve eliminated the jokes and just given the good stuff.

Cute without being cloying, amusingly interesting, and charmingly sweet.

Love Survives.

Grade: B-

The Cable Guy (1996)

really…interesting.

Really.

But oh my golly is it DARK.  There’s no way you can call this a comedy…it’s more of a horror movie without the violence and with lots of stomach-churningly uncomfortable scenes.  And a few laughs.

Kudos to Jim Carrey for not putting out another ‘Ace Ventura’ clone.  THAT would have been a hit.  THIS was not.  But you’ve gotta admire the attempt at branching out.  Well, you don’t have to…but I do.

The problem is there is no real category for this…no fans of any particular genre will be really satisfied with it.  It’s a very interesting, weird, flawed enigma.

Grade: B-

The Butt Of My Jokes

“Das But is a spoken word guy who trys to be offensive with vuglar
“pieces” about incest, rape and every possible offensive topic. Lots
of cursing. It’s not very good. He still can’t do a routine without
reading from his notebook. It’s good his background music was turned up too loud. Between them and the freezing cold I was miserable.” – Jeffrey Howard

“I don’t know about tattoos. I don’t like them, seem kinda gay” – Das But

A Derogatorial – By Puppy

Some random freak recently used the words “gay” and “fag” at least half a dozen times to describe me, my friends, tattoos, and pretty much anything else he could think of.

Now, the amateur psychologist in me has a theory about this. (And it’s mine).

When someone attempts to make fun of someone, generally they’ll pick a subject they believe is the most “sensitive” to that person.  I’ve learned this through years and years of being bullied.  (Bullies also tend to be cowards when confronted with ANY resistance whatsoever, but that’s another topic).

Since he couldn’t come up with anything except “gay”, which I admit I used to use in a derogatorial (His word, not mine…Das, if you critique another person’s grammar, you really shouldn’t make up words.  I’m disgustipated) sense when I was…oh, I don’t know…11 or 12, the conclusion is two-fold.

Number one, he’s not particularly intelligent and/or imaginative.  Watching his EXCITING youtube videos is solid empirical evidence of this. (I meant that in a sarcasticatical sense).

Number two, as we all know, those that make frequent derogatorialishistic comments concerning homosexuals/homosexuality are often doing so as a sort of macho preventative measure of being “labeled” the same. (Or they’re wondering what exactly nucular weapons are, but that’s another topic).

Now, why would one be so afraid to be labeled homosexual? 

Perhaps, as in a lot of cases, said individual has certain…feelings (nudge nudge) inside that he can’t quite understand/come to terms with/accept/derogatorialize.  In plain terms, he has certain…urges, towards other men (wink wink), that he is perhaps afraid of and doesn’t want people to suspect, so he covers them by being around women as MUCH as possible (Cuz everyone knows homosexuals never hang around women, or have sex with them, or get married and have children) and by using the word “gay” in a DEROGATORY (Das, see?) sense.  It’s ok, Das…you can stop. (Andy Dick called…he wants you to tone it down a little).

P.S. – People that think they’re so harda$$ and do really fcked up sh1t and everyone thinks they’re “bravely anarchistic/individualistic” sometimes are…but in some cases, it’s all BS hiding a cowardly nature.  I mean…put that freak in jail and he’d stop making jokes.  He’d stop holding his bladder/bowel movements.  And I’m sure someone would be glad to oblige him in exploring his sublimated desires. (SAY NO MORE!)

Das But = Das (Sad) Punk

Also, one last thing…I think from now on, whenever someone gets completely torn to shreds (metaphorically speaking) and is asked what happened, they should say, regarding how they feel about having their smug little nose (where applicable) rubbed in it – “I got Dassed, man”.

-Puppy >.< Yip!