Scourge (2008)

When an old church is burned down, an ancient, flatulent evil with a really horrible diet and extremely silly walk is awakened and does boringly evil stuff on an incredibly inefficient scale.

Featuring the wimpiest sheriff ever to orchestrate a protection racket, and The Church Police.

Inspirational Quote: *BELCH*

Grade: F-

Doghouse (2009)

Macho, sexist, gory, meaningless.

BUT…

If you can deal with all that, it’s kinda fun.  Because it also features better-than-average dialogue/acting/directing than your typical cr@ppy horror/gore flick.

Highlights: useful garden gnome, mostly ineffective weaponry, tastelessly appropriate music.

Inspirational Quote: “Now is NOT the time to stop objectifying women.”

Grade: C-

Anton LaVey vs. Yamamoto Tsunetomo – Jarmuschian Rip/Riff by Puppy

I mean, come on, it’s not even a fair fight…but here goes:

“Self-preservation is the highest law.” – Anton LaVey

Now moving on to the higher primates…

“He felt that a resolution to die gives rise to a higher state of life, infused with beauty and grace beyond the reach of those concerned with self-preservation” – Wikipedian analysis of Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Analysis: Unless you’re convinced that you, YOURSELF, are the very essence of all that is good and wonderful about Humanity, and therefore you MUST survive to pass on your incredibly vital genes that noone else could possibly hope to possess…the fact is, there are (always have been, and always will be…either sadly or fortunately) PLENTY of people for whom self-preservation is the 1st, 2nd, 3rd…25th priority.  So don’t worry…Humanity is safe.  How can any thinking person with any semblance of consciousness not UNDERSTAND this?

“Self-preservation is the opiate of the masses.” – Puppy

Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)

Music by some kid on a synth machine.

Featuring the very rare “slapping zombie”.  Also featuring some grandiose post-apoc Ren Faire acting.

It’s got an unbelievably slight “Awwww…they tried for a touching drama” sort of charm.

The will is moderate but the script is horrible.

59:43 – HAIKIBA!

Inspirational Quote: “Holy Jesus Christmas Sh1t!”

Grade: F

The Graves (2010)

Sad.

Oodles of cleavage shots (no nudity) and bad dialogue.

Features two young actresses at the beginning and ending of their EXCITING careers.

Two questions I pondered while watching:
1) Is this ever going to get scary or interesting?
2) How badly did Tony Todd REALLY need the money from this?

Too dumb to even be offensive.  You can watch it to laugh at it, I guess…*Shrug*

Question:  Why does it have like half a dozen “Executive Producers”?
Answer: The director wanted to get all his friends in the credits.

Reminiscent of ‘Spinal Tap’…Nigel Tufnel: Lead Guitar.  David St. Hubbins: Lead Guitar.

Inspirationally Dumb Quote: “I’ll try to make this painless.” – Guy holding a bloody hammer

Grade: F-

Chillerama (2011)

Warning: In INCREDIBLY bad taste.

Now if it was utterly worthless, I wouldn’t bother to say that.  But it’s not.

It’s a fairly interesting set-up that turns into three (see below) really silly, cheezy intentionally B-grade “horror” movies.

1: Man vs. his own sperm in a life-or-death struggle.  Not bad.
2: ‘The Gay Werebear Musical’…dull and boring.
3: Hitler gets beaten to death with his own arm.  Not brilliant, but easily the best.  Features lots of World’s-Funniest-Joke-ish fake German, an utterly tasteless theory on ‘The Diary Of Anne Frank’, and a Jewish “Frankenstein’s Monster”.

Supposedly there are four movies, but number 4 is a tiny slice of nothingness that leads into the increasingly dull/cliche/please-let-it-end ending.

Recommendation: If you like cheeze and horrible taste, watch 1 and 3.

Grade: D+

The X-Files – A Decision/Commentary

I’ve concluded, after leaning towards the “extremely interesting” side for the beginning of season one, that I’m now firmly in the “boring” camp.  And vastly over-hyped.

The extremely spotty quality of the last two-thirds or so of that season and the beginning of season two, the already-redundancy of some of the episodes and ideas, and the extreme over-analysis of the show to the last minute dull detail MANY other places on the web has convinced me that to continue further would be a complete and utter waste of time…more often boring than interesting.

So I’ll end after a mostly-interesting season one.  If you insist on more, be my guest…but it’s better to burn out than to fade away, and my interest is fading rapidly.  I’ll remember it, somewhat fondly, as a cute little romance.  With aliens.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Hellboy (2004)

The first time I attempted to watch it I expected way too much, and stopped in disappointment. 

This time I expected mediocrity, and was therefore “pleasantly surprised”.

Violent but (thankfully) not extremely gory.  Why?  Either to avoid an “R”, or because it’s simply NOT NECESSARY.  If you want gore, watch a Rob Zombie sh1tfest.

Features Mulder’s dream job.

Cute, amusing, sweet, fun, disgusting and Cthulhu-esque.  With brilliant special effects.

Only problem: The writing isn’t as clever as it wants to be.  Or I want it to be, at least.

Observation: “Hellboy”, demon…one of the most decent beings in the movie.

Inspirational Quote: “What makes a man a man? … it’s the choices he makes.  Not how he starts things…but how he decides to end them.”

Grade: B

Melancholia (2011)

‘My Big Fat Artsy Gloomy Pre-Apocalyptic Wedding’.

OR, if you prefer: ‘…Infinitely Sad’

Well that was really horribly directed. 

“Let’s show exactly what happens in the first 8 minutes, with extremely interesting visuals in a sort of surreal, classical music-backed way…and then just make the really cool short vignette this should have been into a dull, ponderous waste of time.”

Like a typical “Only Happy When It Rains” person, the main character is traumatized by happiness (her own/that of anyone else) and becomes more and more content as horrible events approach. 

Some people have clinical/chemical depression, and deserve nothing but sympathy for something that is of absolutely no fault of their own.  Other people get depressed because they realize (occasionally) what nasty, dull, worthless little cusses they are. *’Glory’ rip…You rock, RGS*

Didn’t think I’d see another “heroine” so soon that made Clementine look sweet/interesting.

Warning: Possible PTM

Grade: D-

Dark Town (2004)

“Touching” dysfunctional family drama/horror movie.

The way it transitions seamlessly from drug-deal shootout to supposed (obscured by sheet) lesbian sex to birthday candle lighting to dumb dialogue to intermittent nipple shots back to dumb dialogue is a true monument to bad editing.  And writing.  And then there’s the bad acting.

Creepy-guy introduces new D+D spell: “Cause Light Menstruation” – Range: Touch.

You can tell the fangs are fake because of the extreme impediment to clear speech they provide.

Highlight: Tense, nerve-wracking shootout from opposite sides of the same car.

Guest Review: “What the Hell is that???” – Steve Martin

It’s off streaming on December 1st, so HURRY!!!

Grade: F-

Gordy (1995)

Watching ‘Babe’ was a truly moving experience.

Watching ‘Gordy’ makes me want to eat a GLT.

It’s so remarkably fluffy that you can’t really HATE it, but that’s all it is: fluff.  It’s an after-school special with a talking pig, the sort of movie that even as a small child I would scoff at as childish.

I think it’s a good bet anyone above toddler age would concur with me on that.

Features lots of exciting livestock footage.

Grade: D-

11/18/16: The heartwarming tale of Phil Gordian’s attempt to infiltrate the world’s- Oh. Nevermind, just a stupid ‘Babe’ ripoff. Grade: D-

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

The calm, pleasant way in which a society that celebrates rape, murder, and pointless brutality is presented and portrayed is horrifying.

Kubrick’s direction and the language he instills into the nightmare-fantasy make it that much more believable, hence truly foreboding and scary.

But the scariest thing to me in this gruesome little masterpiece is that some people watch Alex and his droogs with admiration instead of revulsion.

The second scariest thing is the calm, pleasant way in which the government adapts to anything and everything that gets in the way of the necessary progress of the State.

Inspirational Quote: “Goodness comes from within.  Goodness is chosen.  When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.”

Grade: A

The X-Files – Episode 24 (The Erlenmeyer Flask)

You knew they had to ditch the sometimes-mediocre “monster” episodes and return to the story arc for the season finale, and they do.  And thankfully Chris Carter writes it.

Genetics/Extraterrestrial/Conspiracy based.  No vague “hints” here, this delivers even more than ‘E.B.E.’  Vital and powerful, a must-see if you have any interest in the show itself.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” gives a vague tip to Mulder, Scully makes her distaste of “Deep Throat” plain to Mulder, an objective analysis seems to prove something believed impossible, Scully meets “Deep Throat” and interacts one-on-one with him for the first time, MAJOR ending events, including an eerie reminder of the pilot episode. 9906753.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not gonna give up.  I can’t give up…not as long as the truth is out there.”

Dead Season (2012)

*CLICK* cr@ppy zombie movie, over.  *CLICK*

This goes for “drama” instead of comedy with the gore.

It fails.

There’s also a blatantly obvious attempt to imitate the ending of ’28 Days Later’.

It also fails.

Useful Info Picked Up:  Apparently keeping low to the ground is a good idea vs. zombies as well as smoke inhalation.

Grade: F

The X-Files – Episode 21 (Tooms)

After a brief period of mediocre/unimportant episodes…

The “monster” from episode 3 is back.  He’s still creepy, and while this reprisal is also irrelevant to the story arc, it’s almost as interesting as the original. 

Highlight for me is a playful/serious exchange in which Scully actually calls Mulder by his first name, and makes her loyalty to him abundantly clear…not that that was necessary, for him or a viewer with any perception.  She later, through a rather non-Scully-esque action, proves it.

Inspirational Quote: “You can get the next mutant.”

The X-Files – Episode 17 (E.B.E.)

You want UFO/conspiracy-based, you got it.  “Trust noone” certainly applies here. 

One of the best episodes yet.

Points of note: “The Lone Gunmen” introduced, “Deep Throat” meets with Mulder and (for the first time) seems a bit jittery, Mulder acknowledges the existence of “Deep Throat” to Scully but not his exact identity, Scully questions “Deep Throat”‘s intentions/reliability, “Lone Gunmen” prove useful.

Inspirational Quote: “I think it’s remotely plausible that someone might think you’re hot.”