A Little Bit Zombie (2012)

The title is the most cleverly enjoyable part of watching the movie.

Not scary, and since it’s a straight-out parody the one or (maybe) two laughs and couple of mildly interesting moments (all in the first half) don’t make it worth watching.

What a waste of time and dull mostly-professional competence.

Grade: D-

Fear Itself (13 Episodes, 2008)

Started to watch this…found it to be an inferior version of ‘Masters Of Horror’, with worse scripts/acting/directing…stopped.  I wasn’t afraid, I was bored.

I almost ALWAYS make it a rule to watch every single minute of something before I review it, just on the OFF chance I might miss some great revelation that makes the first 99% worth slogging through.  So take this as an “incomplete”, and torture yourself if you want to.  You MIGHT like it.  But based on the evidence I saw, I’m 6.9 you won’t.  Unless you have really bad taste, or you JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH…dun dun dun dun dun da da dun dun.

Emerson, Lake & Palmer

The Best Of Emerson, Lake & Palmer (1980)

The original version of this (released in 1980) is superior to the 1994 re-release because it ends sooner.

ELP was intricate, eclectic, and popular…like Yes.  But they always struck me as excrutiatingly pretentious when they weren’t being very basically melodic.  And unlike Yes, I never escaped the feeling that they were just bullsh1tting all along.

And, aside from a few basic melodic tunes, they weren’t very interesting.  They should have just given “Still… You Turn Me On” to a band with a real singer and “Lucky Man” to one WITHOUT a synthesizer that threatened to make your eardrums bleed and/or explode when it REALLY kicked in.

Also, they didn’t have Steve Howe.

Grade: D+

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 24)

Message of ad seen recently: “Doing two things is better than doing one”.

Not necessarily.  If someone was performing an incredibly intricate surgical procedure on a patient whose life literally was hanging in the balance every moment of the operation, it’s PROBABLY not a good idea for said head surgeon to be 50/50 in concentrating on the surgery and a crossword puzzle.

Or, to quote ‘Cheers(The Diane Years)’:

*Larry* “Hey Coach…what happened to our pool table?”
*Coach* “It’s still there, Larry, but thanks to our Billiard Buddy adaptor, ya know, it’s more fun than ever now.  It can be a knock-hockey table, a ping-pong table, a slot-car track, you name it.
*Larry* *Brief Pause* “I want a pool table.”
*Coach* “Well, let me get out my easy-to-follow conversion instructions here…*Takes out a blueprint and a bunch of tools, mutters a bit*…and that.”
*Larry* “Uh, Coach, how long is this gonna take?”
*Coach* “Bout 20 minutes.”
*Larry* “20 minutes to put the pool table together?”
*Coach* “No, 20 minutes to figure what the hell this is.” *holds up a “tool”*
*Larry* “Eh, forget it, I’ll play ping-pong.”
*Coach* “God bless ya…”

-Puppy/Cheers – ‘King Of The Hill’

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Week Seventeen)

Now that they have a chance at a first-round bye, I find myself torn.

I mean, I know it makes sense in terms of wanting them to have a better chance of getting to the Super Bowl…but how can I TOTALLY get into rooting for them to NOT play next week, since I like watching them play?

I mean, if someone offered them a last-six-games-of-the-regular-season bye without making them any less sharp and with a guarantee that they would still make the playoffs, would I want that?

*Shrug*

Merrie Melodies – What’s Opera, Doc? (1957)

Highs:
oh, the pageantry
kill the wabbit, kill the wabbit…
“what’s up, doc” enquiry
majestic steed
overall animation and score
tragic ending

Lows:
too much magic helmet
it’s impressive and interesting (at least to watch once), but it’s not funny.  And isn’t that supposed to be the point?

Point of review: Yes, there are many “classics” I don’t review.  Why?  I watch them, I don’t think they’re worth the time.  This is included only because it’s “historic”.  Sort of.

Grade: C

Attack Of The 50 Foot Cheerleader (2012)

More of a really cr@ppy combination of a cheerleading movie and ultra-soft-core porn-for-guys than the campy, cheezy “cult classic” you might be expecting from shlockmeister Roger Corman.  So it’s stupid and it’s dull and it’s not scary.

Watch this only after every episode of MST3K, ‘Troll 2’, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…

BUT…maybe before ‘Rubber’.  Too close to call, really.

Fans of underwear sorority pillow fights in slow motion: A MUST-SEE!

I left that last line in especially so it can be misquoted by people with an interest in seeing this piece of dreck make money as “…A MUST-SEE!”

Grade: D-

Animal Farm (1999)

Tries to be really dramatic, but fails.  The “light” moments certainly don’t help, nor are they funny.

Leaves out huge chunks of the book and dumbs down the rest, which is just plain DUMB because it was all understandable AS IT WAS, in the book.

Here’s what I would do:  Read the book.

It’s really short and very easy to read…and it’s brilliant while being simple.  Understandable on a very basic level by mandate to junior-high students (I think, maybe even younger…these kids today, a lot smarter) but also a VERY “adult” book when you think about the themes/messages.  Personally I think it’s just as good as ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (the book). 

This is nowhere NEAR as good as ‘Nineteen Eighty-Four’ (the movie).

Grade: D

FernGully: The Last Rainforest (1992)

My favorite part of this movie is that they say “canopy” a lot.  And indeed, there’s a candid picture of one.

But I digress.

GREAT message, so-so animation/script, mediocre music, poor sound mix, HORRIBLE songs.

The message is pretty obvious, but how can you disagree with it? “Do Not Destroy Nature”.

And I appreciate the Three Stooges rip.

Ending Battle: Not quite “Force Of Nature”, but Green beats Black.

Inspirational Quote: “Humans can’t feel anything.  They’re numb from the brain down.”

Grade: C-

5/11/14: A more candid grade.  Grade: D+

Merrie Melodies – Ali Baba Bunny (1957)

Highs:
Open Iterations
Bugs’ horrific directional sense
Daffy’s greedy eyeballs
forceful Bugs dismissal
Daffy calling it first
re-emergent bunny head
Daffy’s poor danger-sense
Hassan’s impressive chops
Daffy’s unflinching loyalty in the face of danger
bottled rabbit, unbottled
habitual greedy slobbiness
really impressive rope trick
forceful genie dismissal
happy little miserdom

Lows:
pre-rope trick exposition

Grade: A-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 23)

I think a great Magic or Munchkin (or any card game) card would be “Dissidenti Seer”.

Also good for rebel magick-wielding groups in fictional worlds.

Strength/Abilities: I’m just an idea man.  Hint:  It’s a music reference, not an Italian reference.

Homo Sapiens 1900 (2000)

I could do without the LONNNGGG pauses accompanied by monotonous minimalist piano score, but this documentary on eugenics is otherwise fairly interesting.

I may not agree with everything it’s trying to say (then again, I may not UNDERSTAND everything it’s trying to say) but I believe I can sum up the basic, simple message intended by the filmmaker thusly:

Eugenics SUCKS.

Or, regarding the “discoveries” of/from eugenics, I believe Ian Malcolm said it best:
“…what you call discovery, I call the rape of the natural world.”

Or for Star Trek fans:
*Khan* “We offered the world ORDER.”
*Kirk* “We?”

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C

EXCITING Billboard Idea – By Puppy

To: American Atheists
From: Puppy

Since the common CA/A refrain is “We want people to think for themselves” or “We want to encourage free thought”, or SOMETHING along those lines, altered slightly…here’s an idea.

It’s a CRAZY idea…but it just might work!

Instead of spending money (that could be spent on, oh I don’t know, Secular Humanist causes) on a propagandic Crusading Atheist sign in a “nyah nyah!” petulant childlike act of defiance, HOW ABOUT THIS…

Now…it’s really complicated, so stay with me…

NEXT TIME…INSTEAD of the CA/A sign that TELLS people an opinion, NOT to “think for themselves”…if you insist on putting up a sign to promote people thinking for themselves, try this:

Put up a GREAT BIG sign with GREAT BIG letters that says “THINK FOR YOURSELF”.

And, if you wanna slip in the propaganda, put “This message brought to you by American Atheists”.  You know…WITHOUT mocking belief. 

You see, that’s SMART propaganda.  Because people will then think “Hmmm…they’re atheists, because the sign says so…BUT they’re not saying “Be Atheist”…they’re saying “Think For Yourself”…HMMMMM…”

I think that would work far better re: your agenda.  AND you wouldn’t look like a bunch of wankers (e.g. Richard Dawkins/Penn Jillette).

You can take that idea for free if you want.  Even expand on it!  Just show me some love, and look up my Jim Jarmusch quote for specific instructions.  Thanks!

Remember…I admitted identification with various possible “labels”…but “Crusading Atheist/Antitheist” was NOT one, as they still make me want to vomit.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Dawn Of The Dead (2004)

Zombies don’t run. 

At least, George Romero’s zombies don’t.  And since this is a remake of a Romero film (see the title), you can attribute the speed of the zombies in this to one of two things: Either it’s an artistic attempt at improvement, or it’s a hackish attempt at making them more “scary”. 

I think the second.  And since the movie itself is pretty generic by undead standards and at times really DUMB, the “re-imagining” produces only one superior idea: “Let’s hire a few real actors.”

Not…good…enough.

The first five minutes or so are pretty good if you saw the original and haven’t read this review, admittedly.

Inspirational Exchange:
“We’re goin’ to the mall.”
*Pause* … “Sh1t.”

Grade: D

Day Of The Dead (1985)

The only problems with this movie are that the script is poor and that it doesn’t have any good actors (which is a pretty big problem, seeing as how it’s a movie and all).

I mean, some of them are ok…but a few REALLY suck.

But the IDEAS are brilliant…Romero just isn’t a very good dialogue writer.  At least, for every movie ’til ‘Land’.  And after ‘Land’.

The gory nastiness has improved in “quality” from ‘Dawn’, if you care about that.

The only really notable acting performances (for being good) are Dr. Frankenstein and Bub. Franky-baby is a thoroughly convincing insane genius.  And he, and his activities, lift the movie up a bit in terms of thought-provocation and level of interest.  Everything else is pretty much irrelevant given the existence of ‘Night’, ‘Dawn’, and ‘Land’.

Inspirationally Cheezy Scene: “Dramatic” standoff complete with EXCITING music.

Grade: C

My Religious Stance – By Puppy

Ok, I’ve thought about this a lot, and, if anybody cares, I am…

*DRUMROLL*

Ignostic.  Or “Einstein-ian Agnostic”, or “Agnostic Atheist”, or “Spinoza’s-God-Theist”, or “Non-Crusading (atheist or theist) Good Guy”, or “Influenced-By-Buddhism-And-Various-Other- Eastern-Forms-Of-Spirituality-As-Well-As-Certain-Aspects-Of-Western-Religions-And-Various-Others-As Well-Guy”, or “Who Cares?”…

“As god means very different things to different people, when the
word is spoken, an ignostic may seek to determine if something like
a child’s definition of a god is meant or if a theologian’s is intended instead.  A theistic child’s concept generally has a simple and coherent meaning, based on an anthropomorphic conception of god.  Many philosophers and theologians have rejected this conception
of god while affirming belief in another conception of god, including…Baruch Spinoza and Soren Kierkegaard.” – excerpt from:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignostic

But then again, who cares?  I’m a good person that doesn’t try to shove my belief (OR non-belief, as the case may be) down anyone else’s throat.  If EVERYONE did this, theist and atheist, THAT would make things acceptable to both individual freedom of thought/expression (see ‘The 1st Amendment To The United States Constitution’) AND civil non-crusading-jerkiness.  Yip!

Will this gain or lose readers?  Not sure.  Don’t really care, cuz as I’ve said ALL ALONG, I’m not a propagandist.  Believe what you believe…don’t let anyone (on ANY side) tell you what you SHOULD believe.  Peace.

-Puppy >.< Yip!