Mystery Science Theater 3000: Squirm (1999)

‘Spring Fever’ short is alternately boring and really annoying.  Mocked well later, though.

Movie is cheezy 50’s horror updated for the super 70’s: color, better cr@ppy acting/fx, even dumber “monster”…riffing: not bad.

Highlights:
Sprites for every occasion
incoherent hick ramblings
Tom Servobelle

Inspirational Quote: “Well then there’s sex, that’s another minute.”

Grade: C

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Alien From L.A. (1993)

Kathy Ireland whines with the best of them in this really bad modern “fantasy” flick.

Very pretentious, so it makes a great choice.  Unfortunately the riffing is only ok (and usually obvious), but with material this easy to rip that’s enough to make it a decent watch, AND you get the “Hey!  I thought of that too!” achievement feeling.

Highlights:
gut-vending and Kathy Ireland game host segments
intermittent Australian-ness
persistent whine jokes

Inspirational Quote: “Cuz I’m turned on by squeaky toys!”

Grade: C+

Hollow (2013)

Another L.F. Dibley classic: ‘The British Blair Witch Ripoff Project’.

It gets somewhat scary with about 25 minutes left, to be fair. And the ending is made clear. UNTIL then, to save you the time, here’s what you learn in just over an hour that means anything: brunette woman is going to marry man, other man is jealous and seems a bit freaky/obsessed with brunette woman, they find a creepy tree of legend.

Question: Is this gonna come out every fourteen years with a new title in a new country? Sort of like the Olympics…I’m guessing France for 2027.

And now, for my own amusement, since they (mostly) wasted MY time, let me rip something:

“I’m afraid there’s been a mistake…

The people that have been acting for you are impostors. They are not in fact affiliated with the real police of East Anglia, but actors wanted by the ‘Blair Witch Project’ preservation society. Anybody who doesn’t believe me can look it up in the film registry.

Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver Pointing Out The Bleedin’ Obvious For Your Protection cup, which has been won by me.

Next we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of trashing ‘Blair Witch’ ripoffs. Well, there’s been noone else this just-begun year who’s reached the required standard set by me, so it goes in my sack.” – ‘The Puppy MPFC Ripoff Project’

Inspirational Exchange:

*Man* “What time is it?”
*Blonde Woman, in apparent silent response* “It’s time for a shot of my crotch.”

Grade: D

2/26/13: Inspirational Exchange Rip: “I have dispatched 25 minutes of somewhat scary footage to save the movie! They will be playing NOW!”
“Were they as surrounded by cr@p as this? Actually it was more like 15.” Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Conquered The World (1991)

Back when Roger Corman gave a d@mn.  I think.

I actually sort of LIKE this movie…the fx are HORRIBLE and the acting isn’t all that good, but it’s an interesting story.  Good riffing on the really horrible parts, too.

‘Snow Thrills’ short is only mediocre, although it does provide a good quote.

Highlights:
short-mocking sketch
sudden realizations
movie-mocking sketch
MPFC Cycling Tour reference
ending…ending…ending…

Inspirational Quote: “Yeah, well you’re full of skit.”

Grade: B-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 31)

I’m not watching the Oscars, but I’m sure that with James Lipton doing play-by-play, they are absolutely scrumtrelescent. (Using the official Wiktionary spelling).

Personally I think it’s even more scrumtrulescent to spell it with a second “u”.

And it’s cool how if you type in “scrumtrulecent” in Wikipedia it redirects to James Lipton.

That is ABSOLUTELY SCRUM-tru-LES-cent.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Tormented (1992)

Yet another exciting Bert I. Gordon messterpiece.  Very dark this time.

It tries, like early Roger Corman, to be dramatic and meaningful.  And it’s not really HORRIBLE, it’s just not very good…and the pretension allows for very effective mockery.

Joel and the bots rip very (and tastelessly) well into every supposed “dramatic” moment.

Highlights:
great invention exchange (Aunt Catherine wheel/drinking jacket)
SOL family shenanigans
consistent riffing
wishful lighthouse plummets
headshots
Pagan Earth Ceremony (every Tuesday)

Inspirational Quote: “Look Tom, I got a friend at the DA’s office, if I don’t show up they open my lunchbox.”

Grade: B+

The Dead Want Women (2012)

At BEST, that’s totally imprecise and only somewhat accurate.  And totally sexist. 

I mean, what about the heterosexual female and homosexual male ones?  Not to mention the asexual ones, the lesbian/heterosexual male ones with headaches, or the ones that aren’t just mostly dead.

But here’s the deal…the “setup” (idea one) features nice costumes/scenery/most of the budget and tolerable acting and lasts until about the 15 minute mark, then the ultra-soft-core porn (necessary to add “NUDITY” to advertising) part turns into cr@ppy “horror” plot point (idea two) which eventually leads us to the actual movie (idea three, at around 25:30).

Actual movie lasts about 45 minutes and sucks.  FX are sad, acting is poor, dialogue is really bad.

Only misogynists and people that want to see Eric Roberts embarass himself will enjoy it.

Nice fireplace, though…too bad they didn’t just show that for 1:14:05.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a big fat cowboy!”

Grade: F

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Final Sacrifice (1998)

Canadian modern fantasy/adventure stupidity.  Good riffing, especially for a post-Frank/Trace  episode.  I actually like Canada, for the record.  And this is trying…but that only makes it funnier to rip because it SUCKS so much.

Highlights:
rampant Csonka references
rampant Canada jokes
Royal Canadian Mounted Servo
inept BDSM brigade
feral Red Green guy

Inspirational Quote: “You know it’s Spring when the executioners start gettin in the house.”

Grade: B

Kill ‘Em All (2013)

Pointless setup featuring 3-second fast forwards to boredom into

…Johnny Cage…

combination ‘Saw’/mostly ‘Mortal Kombat’ ripoff, which is just as pointless.

…Raiden…

And it’s not any good.  Well, if you like one-on-one fight choreography, it’s tolerable.

…Liu Kang…

About halfway through it switches from filming in a vacant room to filming in a

…Sonya…

vacant warehouse for the second level.  Haikiba!

…Sindel…

Thank goodness it’s the first 2013 streaming movie choice I came across or I might NEVER have watched it.

…Scorpion…

With all that being said, I can’t bring myself to truly hate it.  Maybe because it’s so un-ambitious that it can’t really fail (??!!).  Sort of like watching a human video game, except video games are much more fun when you’re PLAYING, not WATCHING.

…Sub-Zero…eh, I prefer ‘Killer Instinct’…Cinder…

It adds a retroactive plot and a Dr. Evil/Bond-ish villain at the end, if you care.

Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Amazing Transparent Man (1995)

Man gets busted out of jail by yet another short-sighted/far-reaching villain. 

Really good short riffing, mediocre movie riffing. 

Suggestion: Watch the short and the llama bit, skip the rest.

Highlights:
Mikey and the scared Crow-llama
The Days Of Our Years – give or take a score
charades

Inspirational Quote: “It all sucked.”

Grade: B-

2/28/13: Not sure of the composite here…let’s see…short around an A, rest a low D.  Grade: C

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Space Travelers (1992)

I don’t understand this choice at all.

The movie isn’t great, but it’s certainly not horrible.  Nowhere NEAR as bad as the typical MST movie, anyway.  You almost want to watch it, at times…but you can’t, because three annoying voices keep interrupting it with unfunny comments.

If this was the ONLY episode of MST3K, it might be worth watching.  But it isn’t, and it isn’t.

Grade: F

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (1993)

This is actually very well-meaning and all…but stoo-pid. 

J+TB seem inspired by the short.

Highlights:
The Truck Farmer: How to raise healthy, happy trucks
host segments: bot therapy, bad singing bit, guy from the movie analysis
exciting action/intrigue
dumbest great liar ever

Inspirational Quote: “So, Jimmy…do you like your kneecaps?”

Grade: B+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Fire Maidens Of Outer Space (1992)

Horribly dull “sci-fi” movie with a lot of stock footage and extreme boredom.  Riffing can’t do much for it, but host segments bring it up from fantastically unbearable to barely tolerable.

Highlights:
“evil” Crow brings DOUBLE Crow action…OH!
DOUBLE entendres…OH!
DOUBLE lever action…OH!
‘Aliens’ parody…OH!

Grade: D-

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)

A cute little movie.  It’s witty; somewhat gruesome yet also somewhat charming/sweet.

It’s not really my thing, for the most part…so I’d stop there.

But I can certainly understand how it could also be described as touching and even somewhat magical by fans.

This has such a wide audience because everyone from the most shallowly angsty to the most wistfully romantic can (potentially) feel all these things.

Like all Disney movies, the songs are annoying in their Basil Exposition qualities for adults, but the gruesomeness does mostly offset the traditional sappiness.

Like good Disney movies, this is simple and cute enough for children but smart enough for adults.

How so many people that like this can hate EVERY OTHER Disney movie is beyond me, since this IS a slight (goth/creepy/macabre/odd…take your pick) alteration on stock-Disney to create a modern-day ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’.

The message any non-idiot can take from this, if you pay any attention at all: insisting on gloom all the time is just as absurd as insisting on smiles all the time.  I mean, Skellington himself marvels at the stupidity of his minions in their failure to understand how anything worthwhile can NOT be negative.

The yearning for escape from enforced drudgery into freedom/happiness is pretty obvious, too.  But Sally points out that while that is a noble goal, to force one’s gloominess upon others (as Jack attempts) is just as wrong as to force one’s cheeriness upon others.

Or, as Jack simplifies for anyone that hasn’t gotten it yet: Leave gloom to the gloomy and cheer to the cheery.  If they want to mix, fine…if they don’t…fine.  It’s called free will.

For scumbags that enjoy this: It’s cuz only in fantasy can your fcked up dreams come true.  And, like it or not, your life is longer than 1:16:08.

For non-scumbags that enjoy this: If anyone tries to tell you the ending isn’t truly romantic (and honestly hopeful)…don’t listen.  Hope you read this, you know who…I hope.

Inspirational Quote: “How could I…be so blind?”

Grade: B

7/15/13: Dae Update – Hope unchanged, but moving on.  WAIT…yes.  WAIT…maybe…yes.

Jurassic Park (1993)

Extremely simplified version of the book, ending changed to happy. 

Is it good?  Sorta.  Is it anywhere near as good as the book?  No WAY.  The exchanges are much dumber and a lot is left out.  And if the dialogue seems very cheezy at times NOW, it’s gonna be downright pitiful soon enough.

But it’s a good way to bring the book to the masses.

In the spirit of that comment, I believe the necessity for this is summed up best by (then)star Sam Neill in another movie, talking to someone in a padded cell:

Man: “What about people that don’t read?”
Neill: *With a hopeless, lost, slightly insane expression* “There’s a movie.”

Saddest moment: Chilling slow-motion close-up of a Barbasol can.

The “movie” inside the movie should be ready for MSTing in 20-30 years or so.  I imagine it will be as sad as your typical 50’s prop flick.

Most Noble/Cool Character: Ian *BLEEPIN* Malcolm…YEAH!

Inspirational Quote: “Gee, the lack of humility…before nature that’s being displayed here, ummm…staggers me.”

Grade: C+

Evolutionary Decision – By Puppy

Being the master of my own will, I choose to become, with great reluctance and taste bud pain, a pescetarian.

Oh well…bacon, I shall love you forever from afar.

Bear with me, people…I’m evolving slowly, but surely.

Not judging, just saying.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

2/18/13: Well…ok, very occasional meat.  I’m working on it! 😛

Open Mic Night At Gulu Gulu (Rips: M.J. Nelson, R. Christgau)

This isn’t for ALL the Gulu Gulu performers, just…well…the dull, untalented, cr@ppy ones.

CLARIFICATION:  When I say “the dull, untalented, cr@ppy ones” I’m referring to Das But or anyone (gag) similar to him ONLY.  Thank you.

Two reviews of every said performance past, present, and future:

“At this point, the man/woman attempted an “arty” sort of poem/story/song/miscellaneous.”

“Typical hyperromantic exoticism is one answer, and everybody would know they’re full of sh1t is the other.”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Human Duplicators (1992)

Richard Kiel does his best Das But impression as a dull, line-forgetting robot with occasional violent outbursts and failed poorly-conceived world domination aspirations.  Very cheezy all around, good riffing.

Highlights:
host segments, esp. cute hat on Joel and the fridge alert
ConHugeCo
Richard Kiel trying
attempts at serious/menacing
high-security motel

Inspirational Quote: “Well if ya don’t know what it is don’t put yer finger on it.”

Grade: B

Why I Don’t Mind Giving Das But Free Publicity

He’s dull.  The more people that know him, the more people that will know that, the more he’ll realize what a colossal bore he is.

Maybe eventually he’ll get some psychiatric counseling, cuz whatever meds they might put him on can’t possibly make him any less creative.

I’m pulling for ya, man.  Seriously…go see a shrink.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Talking Sh1t To Dull Scumbags – Volume 2 (SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE)

“you seem upset…”

Hey, drop the ‘Analyze This’ attempt, Das…you’re not very good at it, and you don’t believe in mental health treatment anyway, remember?  That’s why you’re a ticking time But.

WTF do you need good, enduring, toughest-quality tactical gear for???  If it’s just a prop, why does it have to be enduring/toughest-quality?  And if it’s NOT a prop…what are you gonna do with tactical gear, Das?  That sounds like something potentially dangerous.

“No heterosexual man in his right man”

Now that’s GOTTA be a Freudian slip.  Boom Chikka WAH-WAH!!!

Actually, I think (although it took him MANY hours to, errr…”compose” this) that his angsty I-wanna-yell-but-I’m-a-coward-so-I’ll-yell-at-small-animals fury is leaking out into word formation errors.  Cuz he CAN spell.  REALLY!  The guy’s a very good speller, when he’s (relatively) calm and rational.  He calls women b1tches A LOT when he’s calm and rational (including rating the women he’s had sex with in GRAPHIC DETAIL in a public forum), but he DOES spell well while doing it. 

LADIES…he’s available!

“would…troll another grown a$$ man.”

Let me respond in four ways. 
1) Here is a quote from you, Das But: “”I already trolled you into blocking me.”
2) And another: “…I trolled your a$$…”
2.5) Are you in your right man?  If so, what about the one that’s left?
3) I had you pegged as a breast man.  But it’s cool if you’re an a$$ man.  Just remember Das: if you’re in a threesome with another guy and a woman, and the woman leaves, and you keep going, that DOESN’T make you homosexual.

“like a child”

No, according to things you’ve written Das, that’s apparently what you think all women are like once you get them naked.

“Your observations contain an obvious sense of bias”

Hey, you’re the one that posted the anti-black people video on youtube.

“as though you were storing up your attempted insults for a sort of punch line…”

I’m a funny guy!  You know, I’m funny…like, I’m a clown.  I’m here to amuse you!

BTW Das…I think your bits would do better if you added a few punch lines.  You know, in between the constant Stephen-Wright-voiced swearing.

“Truth is, I have very few friends around here”

Have you tried NOT calling women b1tches and NOT pulling an “excuse me while I whip this out” at feminist rallies?  That might help.  Just a thought.  Oh wait!  I’ve always wanted to do this…

So Das But is walking down the beach…
he stumbles over something in the sand.
He turns around and looks down, and he sees a lamp.
He takes the lamp out of the sand, and he rubs the lamp.
A genie pops out of the lamp.
The genie says “Oh thank you so much for releasing me from my imprisonment.  In exchange for that, I will grant you ANY one wish that you have.  Just name it.”
So Das says “Alright…I want you to make lasting peace in the Middle East.”
The genie shakes his head sadly and says “I am sorry, even with my CONSIDERABLE powers, I cannot do that.  Please, make another wish.”
So Das says “Can you get me some friends who know how I feel about women and black people and homosexuals and STILL like me without just laughing behind my back every chance they get?”
And the genie says “Ummm, let me have another look at that Middle East thing.”

“and the friends I have do not know about the work I do.”

You mean your exciting restaurant job where you’ve gotten drunk and climbed on tables and counters during work hours?  Or the baby rape drawings?  Or the nasty zine you try to foist off on people?  Well…they do now.  I mean…potentially.  I get lots of DBPH, after all.

By the way Das, I meant to ask you this before…I’m not saying you’re homosexual, but if you WERE, what sort of person would you most want to receive anal sex from?

“a bunch of fat f#cking neckbeard, unemployed geek losers approaching middle age”

I see.  And what is it about them, that makes you want to receive their anal sex?

“they are smarter…more mentally sophisticated than myself.”

I see.  Thank you.  What do you think of my little satire bits on you?

“hilarious.”

Really?  Thanks.  And who generally tends to knee you in the groin constantly?

“Normal people,”

Really?  Who else?

“many others…when finding something uninteresting”

So it’s sort of just a bored lazy habit thing?  How do you react?

“usually don’t even pay attention to it.”

Not at all?  Then what do they do?

“become persistent about it,”

And how do you feel once you’ve taken about 6 hours worth of knees to the groin?

“it is…hilarious”

By the way Das, do you mind me using all these little quotes from you in my bit, so maybe you can get some lip and tongue action?

“there is no such thing as bad publicity”

Great.  And who DON’T you respect in any way?

“b1tches”

I see.  And what is the best word to describe every piece of art/writing you’ve ever done?

“hype”

And you’re sure you don’t mind those knees?  How about painful rectal itch?  How do you feel about that, don’t you hate it?

“actually enjoy it.”

And how many times have you had sex with a woman and not had her laugh afterwards?

“one time”

Well, you’ve gotta start somewhere.

“this is common sense”

That’s the spirit!  And what do you hope to achieve in about 15 years?

“maturity”

When was the last time someone didn’t spit in your food before they gave it to you?

“years ago”

I see.

“As for me, I am a real man,”

Yeah, you’re not one of those (your quotes) “faggot” “loser” men that gets tattoos.

“who works a real job,”

And gets STINKING DRUNK at it!  HERE HERE!

“are you jealous?”

I don’t know, do you think I’m jealous?

“I think so…”

Why?

“because”

because why?

“why else would you try and forbid my friend Sandy from being my friend.”

First, I never tried to forbid Sandy from being your friend.  I’m not gonna das Sandy, I have nothing against her at all…but suffice it to say that, when we talked about you…I made my preliminary conclusion that you seemed like sort of a snivelling little rat-faced git.

Second, since we’ve now FINALLY come to the supposed “reason” why you sent me your psycho-babble rant (that’s the babblings of a (wanna-be) psycho, no offense to real psychos intended or implied…as opposed to what you think of mental health treatment, which is why you thought it was a good idea to send me your PBR)…I can only wonder this: Why did it take SO D@MN LONG for you to get to the “point”?  Why didn’t you say “Hey…why did you forbid Sandy from being my friend???”, and I would have said “I didn’t, I just said I thought you seemed like a huge nob”, and then you could have said “Oh.  Alright, my work here is done, I’m gonna go do some more baby rape drawings.  By the way, tattoos are for fags.”

“I can assume it is because you see or think that I am a better man than you and that is sad.”

That IS sad…you’re not a better man than anyone.  What makes you be such a stinkwad?

“It is called insecurity”

And finally, what do you think of your place in society?

“there is nothing more useless to this world”

And ONE more question…what type of school did your humor fit best in?

“elementary”

Well, what do you expect from a guy that thinks Hitler did good art.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Earth Vs. The Spider (1991)

Movie is Creature-Double-Feature quality (cheezy, stupid, etc…) and riffing is particularly vicious and tasteless.  Good stuff.

Highlights:
Speech: Using Your Voice short – very pleasing lip and tongue action
Earth vs. soup
amazing spider fx
deadly crane shots

Inspirational Quote: “He died as he lived: with jelly all over his face.”

Grade: B

An Explanation – By Puppy

Some people might ask…isn’t it dangerous to (albeit rightfully so) show a scumbag dumba$$ that when he feels SO MUCH anger at himself and his life that, in his particular case, he SHOULD, because it sucks and so does he and since he doesn’t “believe” in mental health treatment he is NEVER going to not be a scumbag ultra-pissed dumba$$?

And my answer would be…No. Cuz he’s a poser.

He’ll just rant and rave and yell at random people (which he would have done anyway, given his past) and then sit there like the impotent, pitiful fcken coward he knows deep down inside that he is.

vis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjC_7DaTIGY

So it’s all cool.

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – I know about “redundancy”. This is a great clip. (housekeeping)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (1994)

If you don’t like this movie treatment, you’re probably a Communist.

Highlights:
A Date With Your Family!!! Brilliant!
A Date With The Bots
intense wine study
huge tracts of stock footage
retrospectively sad full-length movie propaganda

Inspirational Quote: “This makes me pine for ‘Red Dawn’…”

Grade: A-

Talking Sh1t To Dull Scumbags – Volume 1 (SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE)

“i feel really gay that you are messaging me. do you feel the same?”

I feel pretty, oh so pretty…

Are you still doing those child rape drawings?

“Yeah a few.”

Just “a few”?  So you’re now only SLIGHTLY interested in child rape drawings?

“I tried twitter but i couldn’t be bothered.”

Translation: I tried twitter but people ignored me so I stopped.

“I do all sorts of sh1t.”

Yeah, like the “talking sh1t to animals” bits where you basically just say random curse words to small animals.  That’s…not funny.

“what is your website?”

You’re SOAKING in it!!!

“I don’t want to waste my time looking at sh1t with tattoos or nothing.”

Yeah, sorry, I don’t have sh1t with masks.  And I actually LIKE animals, not swearing at them.

“I do not have tattoos…not one and I never will.”

Yeah, so you told me before…you think they’re “gay” and any man that has one is a “loser”.

“I don’t pay attention to stats on my website,”

Translation: I don’t get any hits and I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THE PAIN…ANY Mooo-ooo-ooore!

“I could care less.”

So you do care, then?  If you care somewhat, why don’t you pay attention?

“I have another that is far more important that gets up to 500 unique ip’s per hour.”

Translation: ONCE, I got 500 hits in ONE HOUR!  Ahhhh…those were the day…

“that one I have to stay on top of. or people get pissy.”

So you’re on top of it now?  Get off, man, you’ll crush it!

“no. there is nothing illegal on my website.”

I did NOT have sex…with that woman…Monica…Lewinsky.  Just dassing you, man.

By the way Das, what’s your favorite way of being spanked and then yelling “THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!!!”?

“I have dealt with police over these issues”

I see…

“(long story)”

How long is it?

“…main concern is photographic evidence of adults exploiting minors through a form of prurient interest is illegal.”

WOW…you sound like you MEMORIZED the definition of child porn.  Ummm…why?

“there is none of that on my website.”

There’s none of anything on your website.

“It is only considered as an artistic rendition of cartoonish satire.”

Really?  I thought satire was supposed to be funny and/or have a message?  Unless you consider it funny to see children being raped, what message exactly are you trying to send, Dasy baby?

“I don’t f#ck”

Sorry…have you considered ceasing being a tremendous stinkwad?  That might help.

“with cp and I would never store any or even look at any on my computer.”

Yes, you’re firmly on record now as having stated that.  Ummm…yeah.  Ever seen ‘Cleanflix’?

“Quite frankly on a personal level, that along with junkies are probably the lowest standard of human alive.”

Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?  Oh…ever seen ‘Cleanflix’?

“And I know this for a fact because I was a desperate junky for a decent portion of my life.”

Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?

“…so then do ya wanna go shoot up some primo dope and go fck some babies?”

Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?

Scary Or Die (2012)

Collection of cr@ppy short horror films, plus one (*) decent cheezefest.

First one: Dumba$$ white trash cleavage or die.
Second one: Artsy and predictable or die.
Third One: Reminiscent of ‘Last Clear Chance’ as its only redeeming factor or die.
*Fourth one: Extremely cheezy, somewhat funny cr@ppy clown drama or die.
Fifth one: One good face shot and nothing else or die.

It’s dead, Jim.

Grade: D-

Liar Liar (1997)

Finally, the perfect forum for him.  As usual Jim Carrey is a one-man Three Stooges and everyone else is his foil.  It’s absurdly silly, as usual, but it’s also funny and witty (like the Stooges at their best) instead of incredibly stupid (as usual).  Good outtakes, too.

Of course it’s complete nonsense, but who cares?  It’s fun, except for when it gets sappy.  Which unfortunately is almost everything after the last courtroom scene.  But, good enough.

Inspirational Quote: “I’M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!”

Grade: B

Graham Chapman: Anatomy Of A Liar (2012)

I have two opinions on this very long advertisement and the movie it advertises.

One, it’s a shameless, greedy ripoff with no point whatsoever.  Leave the poor man alone and let him rest in peace, D@MNIT.

Two, it provides some bits of insight that even the most die-hard Python fan would find interesting (along with, of course, a lot of stuff you’ve already read/heard/seen a million times before) and is thus a somewhat valuable historical document, at the very least.

I want to believe two but my heart is screaming one.

Grade: F

I Think Das Has His Head Up His But

“what the f#ck do you want”

Oh, you know, the usual things…a nice house, the right girl, maybe a new pair of socks…

Actually before I go on I’d just like to point out that I never wanted anything from you other than for you (someone I had NEVER talked to) to not, out of the FCKEN BLUE (thank you, RD) send me a profanity-laced, homophobic, anti-tattoo, anti-fat-people, completely unprovoked and mind-numbingly stupid borderline-psychotic rant (See ‘It’s been a while…’).

Unfortunately, you decided to.  I still have NO IDEA why…but what’d ya expect me to do?  Reply with “Hi!  Thanks a lot for the unprovoked harassment and abuse!”?

“you stupid faggot?”

Hmmm…see ‘A Derogatorial – By Puppy’ re: your apparent homophobia.  And as I point out QUITE CLEARLY, I’m a clever person who talks loudly in restaurants!

“I already trolled you into blocking me.”

No, you tried (and at first you didn’t succeed, but you kept on suckin’) to get me to block you after your totally unprovoked rant because while you apparently (judging from said rant) hate me for some reason I don’t know, you’re also (IMPO) a total poser and coward.  Just a hunch.  I’m not saying you DEFINITELY are…I’m saying I’m about 99.9999999 percent sure.  But of course, only fools are positive.

I base this on your oh-so-brave-and-valiant “If you go somewhere far away, someone else will beat you up” comment/threat(?)

By the way, how does it feel to go so EXTREME in your bullsh1t persona and then sit alone and realize that deep down, you’re afraid of your own shadow?  Is that why you seem to hate everything?  I mean…you can’t do the spoken-word sh1t for profit (I refuse to believe anyone would PAY to hear it), and since there’s absolutely NO creativity to it, I assume it’s an outlet for you to safely release your inner raging angst without having to actually have any testicles.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.  I’m here for ya, big fella.

“DO you want more because I would be happy to drop as low as I can go to help you out.”

Boom-Chikka WAH WAH!

Nah, man…like I already said (see ‘Das ist gut!’) I really LIKE you and all, but I just don’t think of you that way.

“I have lots of business.”

Really, would that be more baby rape drawings like you advertised before? (see ‘Excerpts from Das But’s twitter page – Photo taken LIVE in his mom’s basement’) Or yelling at small dogs and other helpless, defenseless creatures?  Or another anti-black people video?  Which of those are you talking about?  Or do you do anything else?

-Puppy >.< Yip!

But Wait, Das Not All!

For your reading pleasure, it’s Das But vs. Das Boot.

Dboot: QUIET IN THIS WHOREHOUSE!

Dbut: why did you block me? I thoujght we were having a pretty good time together? probly a dick!

Dboot: Look at these new heroes. All wind and smoke. Just big mouths.

Dbut: if ya want i reckon

Dboot: Mildew is good for you. It’s the next best thing to fresh lettuce…like fresh horse-droppings.

Dbut: i try to add you as friend and you friend and you wont let me. if i try to add again will you? if noy we meet for fight!

Dboot: I’ve got some up my a$$. Maybe we can tie them together?  I can’t navigate on bananas!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion Of The Neptune Men (1997)

Really cheezy Japanese sci-fi flick.  You can watch it to make fun of it, you can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.

Mike and the bots don’t really do a very good job of helping you along…and since that’s the whole point of the show, it’s pretty dull for the most part.

Highlights:
Noh theater – THIRD BASE!
‘Prince Of Space’ guy cameo

Grade: D

Why I Use “HAIKIBA” Instead Of “Hi-Keeba” – WTFAYACM??? Commentary By Puppy

Yes, I realize the “official” spelling is “Hi-Keeba”. 

However, I think in the spirit of, oh I don’t know…RIFFING, ORIGINALITY, INDIVIDUALITY, EVERYTHING MST STOOD FOR…that it’s best to go with my personal take on it rather than changing every BLEEDING review to match the “universal MST standard”.

Those who don’t understand my reasoning are spectacularly missing the WHOLE POINT of MST, Monty Python, and every other fairly ORIGINAL, INDIVIDUALITY-BASED, FCK CONFORMITY, THINK-FOR-YOURSELF brand of humor ever to walk the face of the Earth.

Bahhhh.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Curly Howard – Moments Of Genius (Part 17)

*Moe* “Boy are you UMB-day!”
*Curly* “Oh, you mean I’m umb-day, in pig language?”
*Moe* “You’re umb-day in any language.”
*Curly* “Oh, thank you!”
*Moe* “Now I’ll explain it so even YOU can understand it. *SLAP* Now follow me…Larry: arry-lay!  Moe: Oe-may! Curly???”
*Curly* “Curly-Q!”

Rammbock (2010)

Really enraged people-biters movie.  German with subtitles (but who cares?).

No setup, generic formula, cr@ppy dialogue, nothing much new.

But…it’s short.  And the acting is…decent.  And it has an actual ending.

The only other good thing that can be said is the makeup/fx are A-list.  Or at least B+ list.  But most of the scenes involve little of that and a lot of dull stuff (see above).

Inspirational Quote: “Hurry, turn on the torches!”

Grade: D

Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (1992)

The movie isn’t really HORRIBLE…just…not good. Whole thing’s got a funky 80’s “sad rebellion” vibe to it.

The riffing isn’t really GOOD…just…not horrible.  Like a semi-vacation for the writers.

Highlights:
stay-fresh Morrissey
skull from B. Bunny/B. Buzzard cartoon

Inspirational Quote: “Jeepers creepers, Tom…you’ve got Crow’s peepers!”

Grade: D+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills (1993)

Expectedly cheezy Lassie movie about gold, greed, and friendship.

But I’m not ashamed to admit that I find parts of it kind of touching and sweet, other parts kind of sad, and the extremely non-subtle tugs at the heartstrings actually affect me.  I can’t help it…it’s the dog lover in me.  So I feel a bit conflicted, at times enjoying the sentiment and at times laughing at the riffs.  And of course, when neither is working, being bored.  But that’s not all that often.

Great short, solid riffing, pretty good host segments.

Highlights:
Body Care And Grooming short – brilliant
Lassie
snausages
conflict sweet conflict

Inspirational Quote: “I’m late for my Hitler Youth meeting…”

Grade: B+

Bob Seger

Greatest Hits (1994)

Seger gives generic a bad name, even when he’s on and (relatively) good.

How this clumsy oaf ever managed to write “Shame On The Moon” is beyond me.

Oh wait…he didn’t.

Grade: C+

Greatest Hits 2 (2003)

Ahhh…here it is.  Along with the two other best songs he’s ever done.  And a lot of sh1t, including “Katmandu”, quite possibly the most annoying song EVER WRITTEN.
(“Shame On The Moon”, “Fire Lake”)

Grade: C+