Mystery Science Theater 3000: Lost Continent (1990)

Thrilling expedition into the newly found continent of Smallus Islandus Rockus Climbus Stupidus.

The saddest moment was when I wondered if perhaps ‘Congo’ ripped off the ending.

Highlights:
rock climbing (dismal but brilliant…?)
white male reality sketch
cool thing
sameness as youness speech
ending bits
solid riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Why do the violins always trill when he’s climbing?”

Grade: B-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 33)

Recent ad for a phone that was “brilliant” because it could:

Determine the square root of : (7 to the 3rd power – 19), divided by 4.

Wow…the ‘Rain Man’ CA/A’s must be clamoring for this.

I mean, FINALLY, a feature we can actually USE in everyday life.

NOTE: It may have been 17 instead of 19, I’m only 6.3 on that…but still, a vital feature.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Wild Rebels (1990)

Cr@ppy biker movie, featuring cr@ppy music, dancing, and acting.

Highlights:
intro stuff (Gypsy’s Richard Basehart wail, tapping the Servo, Frank’s noise)
eloquent piece of low-life scum
Kix/Wild Rebels cereal
song-mocking sketch
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Oh, just cuz I’m white you think I can play the blues!”

Grade: C+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Jungle Goddess (1990)

Lots of stock footage and exposition shots and a little jungle worship/rescue/drama story.

Highlights:
Dr. “Sax” Forrester
Bela mocking (most Phantom Creeps are pretty dull, but part one is well-mocked)
Phantom Creep mocku-info-mercial
Joel’s wonderful world of scopes
pretty good riffing
ending origin of Art Crow

Inspirational Quote: “Uhh, when you were in flight school did they teach you how to scream?”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Time Chasers (1997)

One man’s vision of a time traveller and his adventures becomes dull and stupid in conception.  It’s really well-intentioned and all, but it’s just bad – terrible at its worst, totally cliche at its best.

Highlights:
‘Lost In Space’ lure/gag
well-meaning but wimpy hero
time-travel bits with past-Mike
good riffing for most

Inspirational Quote: “So in the future kids become gay agents?”

Grade: B

Pupdate – Near Future Reviews

Concentrating mostly on MST3K episodes until I’ve reviewed all except those I refuse to watch  (that would be, after some consideration, any further episode with J. Elvis/Josh Weinstein speaking in it).

Then back to mostly Netflix streaming sh1t with a tendency toward cr@p horror/camp, with the occasional good and even more occasional great movie thrown in.

That is all.

-Puppy

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Space Mutiny (1997)

It’s that really cr@ppy, ultra-cheezy sci-fi flick with that bulky many-named hero.

The movie and accompanying riffing make even the Roman-Era Pearl F. junk somewhat tolerable.

Highlights:

horrific graphics/fx/costumes
horrific script/acting/editing
bulky-guy names
women randomly gyrating around lightning globes
extreme railings
good riffing all the way through

Inspirational Quote: “Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it.”

Grade: A-

4/1/17: Slight over-rate…it takes a little bit to get going. Grade: B

Zombie High (1987)

Warning: No zombies.  Just lots of people being turned really boring.

Starts off as an extremely dated, wanna-be cool generic 80’s flick. 

It’s got a guy that sorta looks like one of the Coreys and another guy that sorta looks like…some other guy that used to be kinda famous.  And Michael Madsen’s sister.  Nothing much happens except for the main plotline, which involves lots of people going from annoying and stupid to really really dull.

Pretty bad.  Not funny, not scary, just pretty bad.

Inspirational Quote: “You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal!”

Grade: F

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Skydivers (1994)

“Kinda like ‘Manos’ without the lucid plot” – TV’s Frank

Co-starring coffee.  Decent riffing.

Highlights:
Why Study Industrial Arts? short
amazing editing errors
sex-for-acid plot
completely unexplained/non movie related off-camera scream

Inspirational Quote: “If only he’d taken an industrial arts class…”

Grade: B- (C/C+ without the short)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Creeping Terror (1994)

One of the cheeziest, least scary, most laughable/mockable, least deadly-without-LOTS-of-help monsters ever eats lots of people.

Other star of the movie: extreme voiceover guy

Highlights:
pretension mockery
voiceover guy mockery
politely climbing into the monster
handy life advice from the narrator
good riffing (especially in the first half)

Inspirational Quote: “Yes, they did the nasty.”

Grade: B