Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)

In the spirit of alienating what little sci-fi/RPG fanbase I have, BUT in strict adherence to critical integrity, here goes.

Star Trek’s better.

I do like this, to a certain extent.  I saw it when it first came out, at an age when it seemed like the most amazing and absolutely epic thing possible.  Obviously it’s not nearly as enthralling now as when I was a tot, but I still enjoy it, and not (just) as nostalgia.

I love the somewhat Buddhist one-ness of “The Force”, the Butterfly Effect quote “Hold your fire.  There are no life forms aboard”, and the (still, fairly) fun escapism.

Negatives: Vastly overrated, obviously dated, too cheezy, Mark Hamill.

Inspirational Quote: “We meet again at last.”

IQ2: “I find your lack of faith disturbing…”

Grade: B-

5/24/16: Hmmm. “Alienating”. That’s not bad. Grade: B-

Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)

Don’t tease me, title.

Ummm…’Mad Alice, Beyond UmbrellaDome’?

Umbrella Corp has learned from their mistakes (and, quite obviously though not very well, ‘Day Of The Dead’ and ‘The Birds’), and could no doubt repeat them exactly.

Only 94 minutes but seems MUCH longer.

That these movies made Jovovich a Comic-Con idol is undeniable empirical evidence that not all geeks/nerds/dorks are smart.  Some of them are just plain fcken stupid.

Let me up, I’ve had enough.

Grade: F-

Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)

Umbrella Corp, a subsidiary of ConHugeCo, presents:

Lots of action (w/ sloooooo mooooooooo) and precious little else.

I mean, really, why not just play the video game at this point?  Acting can’t be any worse.  Nor can the story.  And the visuals are probably better.  And you have a tiny vested interest in giving a sh1t.

Grade: F

Resident Evil (2002)

Why did I get in on this so late?  I’ve found that video games turned into movies tend to suck.

But this is zombie/rage-ish related, so I thought I’d give it a whirl.  Also, a certain fondness for Milla Jovovich played into my decision.  She did play one of my heroes, after all.

Conclusion: Interesting premise that far too often devolves into dumb zombie/infected/video game quality gore sh1t.  And this movie’s Vasquez copy isn’t nearly as cool.

Grade: D

5/28/13: I actually watched the first three, painful though it was.  I thought I needed to show the very minor movement from movie to movie.  But I started off at the wrong point.  Grade: D-

Young Frankenstein (1974)

One of my (two) favorite Mel Brooks films.  Why is that not saying much?

Because it has plenty of dull, failed jokes…just like every Mel Brooks film.  On only two occasions do the good ones (and there are definitely some good ones here) generally outweigh the bad ones.  And even here (and there, probably…need to watch it again) parts are still so dull and predictable that it’s a fairly close call.

I give a little of the credit for saving it to Gene Wilder, who helped write it and who acts brilliantly in it.

I give a little of the blame to Brooks’ Madeline Kahn fixation, which makes the ending fairly dull.  And the rest to the often painfully predictable nature of Brooks’ humor, which he manages to overcome…barely.

Inspirational Quote: “Abby someone.”

Grade: B-

Primer (2004)

A quite cerebral look at some (mainly two) scientists and their attempts at discovery.

Focuses on their passions, motivations, and personalities as well as their methods and what they actually do: make a time machine.

This started off fairly interesting, and by half an hour in I had moved well past “Am I going to like this?” to “Just HOW good is this going to get, and for how long will it stay there?”.

I understand very little of the terminology and theory…just trying to wrap my mind around all of it completely makes my brain hurt.  But I understand enough, here and there, at a certain level, to have it seem “genuine”.  Since this is a sci-fi drama, that is key.

Odd, original, minimalist, and very interesting.

Grade: B+

Dead Alive (1992)

For those of you who haven’t seen this, but have heard about it by fans of it and/or Peter Jackson, let me say this first: it sucks.

If you go in with that in mind, and are cool with it (like me), and with MASSIVE amounts of gore and camp, then enjoy!

Inspirational Quote: “Does THIS look like a well-maintained frontage??”

Grade: B-

Tomb Raider (2001)

A really dumb lump of sh1t.

Great if you wanna see a young(er) Angelina Jolie in tight black and sweaty.

Oh, and she takes an apparently AMAZING shower…hairflip…ahhhhhh…

No nudity.

And hey, don’t get me wrong…I’m not making fun of Jolie here.  She probably laughed when she read the script, then said “ok” because she knew it’d be the easiest movie she ever did (minimal dialogue, minimal acting, lots of stunt double) and if people were stupid enough to see it anyway, that’s their problem.  I actually saw this when it first came out…well played, Angie.

Suggested sorority-ish parody for this movie’s target audience:

‘Lara Croft: The College Years – Panty Raid Her’

Grade: F

The Addams Family (1991)

Delightfully galoomy.

Ah…what might have been.

Especially Huston and Julia, who are both remarkably elegant and have brilliant chemistry.

The rest…not as much.  But those two are enough, along with some clever sight/wordplay gags, to make this, the first (and ONLY this, the first), worth watching.

P.S.
(Puppy) Hey soundtrack/score…you sound pretty good to me.
(Soundtrack/Score) “If I only didn’t have a Hammer.”
(Puppy) I hear ya.

Inspirational Quote: “You frightened me.” *Dramatic Pause* “Do it again.”

Grade: B-

The Cabin In The Woods (2012)

(Puppy was impressed)

I’m impressed.

(But how to convey that…)

But how to convey that…

The first 35-40 minutes I’m thinking: It doesn’t take itself seriously and it’s kinda clever/”cool”/witty in a somewhat predictable sense.  Yup, Joss Whedon. 

A dark comedy that is all polish and expertise but not quite enough inspiration – Whedon can pump out stuff like this in his sleep.  Pick a genre, pick a setting…

Then it really gets good.

A little (vastly-improved) ‘Evil Dead’, a little ‘Truman Show’, a little pathos, a little “So Much For Pathos…”, a little RACE AGAINST TIME action mockery, a LOT of horror-movie mockery, some horror-AUDIENCE mockery…even some specialized Asian Horror+AdorableAnimeCuteness mockery!

And, my favorite, Cthulhu-esque mythos mockery featuring Whedon’s idea of the final guardian.

Great makeup, really good FX, great timing, and…and this is the KEY part…it still retains the Whedon-esque nature that was the first 35-40 minutes.

It’s gory…but it’s not a horror movie.  FAR too tongue-in-cheek for that.

Inspirational Quote: “He’s got a husband bulge.”

Grade: B+

9/27/13: I have to.  I just HAVE to.  I mean, when the worst thing you can say about a movie is that one of the brief mythicals is out-of-character, that’s something.  And if those aren’t the twins I saw, they’re close enough.  Grade: A-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Zombie Nightmare (1994)

Apparently this is what zombies dream about.  Poor things.

Cr@ppy 80’s “zombie” version of ‘The Crow’.  No flesh-eating; one slow, buff, hairy dead guy.

Riffing only ok, unfortunately.

Highlights:
really sad “rebellion”
low-key sheep lady: a fascinating practice
ratty guy invents new alignment: “Chaotic Stupid”

Grade: C-

6/25/13: Sometimes when I’m in a good mood I give too high a grade.  Also, sometimes when I’m in a bad mood I give too high a grade.  I forget which was responsible for this.  Grade: D

Pulp Fiction (1994)

The stylish, smooth, better-written, polished-to-a-gleaming-shine second draft of ‘Reservoir Dogs’.

What is it about?  Watches up a$$es, gimps, bandaids, glow, random rants/comments, visible L7’s.

In other words, nothing.  But it’s pretty d@mn fun to watch.  Except “the date”, which is tedious.

Standouts: Willis, Keitel, The Ending.

Recommended Afterwards: Norm MacDonald’s SNL Version

Inspirational Quote: “That’s how you’re gonna beat ’em, Butch.  They keep underestimating you.”

Grade: A-

Boston Vs. New York – Sporting Events, An Unbelievably Anal Analysis (By Puppy)

Based On Total TY (Team years, one year of one team in one sport = 1 TY)

So if 2 teams in 1 sport the same year, that’s 2 TY versus Boston’s 1 TY.

TY:

NBA (Including BAA)
Boston = 67 (Boston Celtics)
New York = 93 : 67 (New York Knicks) + 2 (New York/Brooklyn Nets) + 9 (Rochester Royals) + 15 (Syracuse Nationals)

NHL
Boston = 88 (Boston Bruins)
New York = 185 : 17 (New York/Brooklyn Americans) + 86 (New York Rangers) + 40 (New York Islanders) + 42 (Buffalo Sabres)

MLB (Modern Era)
Boston = 164 : 7 (Boston Americans) + 104 (Boston Red Sox) + 53 (Boston Beaneaters/Boston Braves)
New York = 275 : 50 (New York Mets) + 10 (New York Highlanders) + 99 (New York Yankees) + 58 (New York Giants) + 58 (Brooklyn Dodgers)

NFL (Super Bowl Era)
New England = 47 (Boston/New England Patriots)
New York = 141 : 47 (Buffalo Bills) + 47 (New York Jets) + 47 (New York Giants)

Argument: “New England isn’t just Boston”.  New York has plenty of fans in New England too, so get over it.  Games are played in Massachusetts…close enough.

Total Championships:
NBA:
Boston: 17
New York: 4

NHL:
Boston: 6
New York: 8

MLB:
Boston: 8
New York: 35

NFL:
Boston: 3
New York: 5

Total:
Boston: 34
New York: 52

Total TY:
Boston: 366
New York: 694

Championships Per TY, as of 5/17/13:
Boston: .09289
New York: .07492

But who’s counting, it’s just a game!!!  <=== I’m a funny guy!