Severed: Forest Of The Dead (2005)

The problem with most of these zombie-type movies is that the innate creepiness of WALKING DEAD PEOPLE tends to be negated by the fact that you can’t for a moment suspend your disbelief, because of the extreme awfulness of the acting/script/production values.

Twist:  Lots of trees around.

Oh, and evidently the occasionally drunk camera operator makes a set shambling pattern unnecessary.

Favorite character: “Stunt Coordinator”

Grade: F

MST3K (Mystery Science Theater 3000) – The A List

Movies:

Invasion U.S.A.: A-
Manos: The Hands Of Fate: A-
The Rebel Set: A-

Shorts:

A Date With Your Family: A+
Body Care And Grooming: A+
Last Clear Chance: A+
Why Study Industrial Arts?: A
What To Do On A Date: A
The Home Economics Story: A
Chicken Of Tomorrow: A
Mr. B Natural: A
Hired! (Part Two): A-
Catching Trouble: A-
The Days Of Our Years: A-
Cheating: A-

Last Updated: 4/1/17

State Of Emergency (2013)

A relatively (given most) well-made “zombie” type movie.  It’s got a budget and everything.

FX (when they appear, which is rarely) are decent, and this has the look and feel of a real movie.

But it’s more a drama than a thriller/horror film, and it’s pretty tepid on both counts, despite the valiant attempts of whoever scored it. 

Tolerable, but completely non-essential.

Grade: D

What A Silly Bint

Bint Alshamsa: (Responses in parentheses)

“X, Y, Z, and all of the other butthurt white people on this thread:”

(How very Christian of her…obviously she means “butthurt” in the non-pejorative sense)

“Racism against white people never occurs. It is, in fact, impossible.”

(I see…)

“Racism is power plus prejudice”

(Mathematical equivalent: Racism = X, Power = Y, Prejudice = Z.  Therefore, the statement is: “X = Y + Z”)

“there are people of color in positions of power”

(Mathematical equivalent: Y is present in (some) people of color)

“Prejudice is simply the prejudging of a person without knowing them.”

(So, in order to make the mathematical model above NOT apply, you would have to say: no non-white person has ever, in any way, shape or form, prejudged a white person without knowing them, while also being in any position of power in any way, shape, or form.  Oh…I don’t know…)

“Arabs can’t ever be racist against Black people”

(See Above)

“Chinese people can’t ever be racist against Japanese people.”

(See Above)

“Japanese people can’t be racist against Chinese people.”

(See Above)

“Aaron, I’d let you remain ignorant and sit back and laugh. However, because I love white people, I’m not going to do that.”

“If I hated you, I’d just let you remain ignorant and sit back and laugh.”

“Who do you think it was that made it necessary for people of color to bring the case before the Supreme Court? I’ll give you a hint. It starts with “white” and ends in “people”. LOL”

“You lose. LOL”

“By the way, I can’t stop laughing…”

(Hmmmmmmmmmm…)

“@Aaron it always amuses me when white people like you try to blame people of color for your racism.”

(“White people like me”?  That sounds a bit…oh, nevermind.  But anyway, moving on…ummm…first of all, I’m not a racist.  Second of all, I didn’t try to blame anyone for me not being a racist.  Third…your argument is inventing itself and fulfilling itself, but is completely false.)

“You’re a racist”

(Well that’s just not true…and it’s certainly not a nice thing to say in a public forum.)

“you want to be one”

(I do?  I didn’t know that…)

“Adults take responsibility for their behavior.”

(And, since you’re an adult, your statements are your responsibility, by your own argument.)

“They don’t try to blame other people.”

(So, again, by your own argument, you won’t blame me for pointing out what you did, in fact, write in a public forum.  Great, thanks.)

“White people don’t get to decide what’s racist.”

(Wow…who does?  Everyone else?  Sounds a bit…oh, nevermind…)

“white people don’t get to decide what’s racist, even when they get really butthurt because they can’t make decisions for the rest of the world any more”

(Wow…what’s with the butthurt thing?  And you’re suggesting that ALL white people want to make ALL decisions for the entire world?  That sounds a bit…oh, nevermind…)

“As I told Aaron, the kidnapping and trafficking and enslavement and rape and torture and lynching and genocide of millions upon millions of people of color is far more than just rude, but you have no problem remaining complicit in that.”

(You suggested that, because someone disagreed with your definition of racism, that they “condone…kidnapping, trafficking, enslavement and rape and torture and lynching and genocide of millions upon millions of people of color”.  Hmmmm…sounds like someone needs a nap.)

“…you just don’t want to hear if from a woman of color…”

(Yes, white people would completely accept BS statements if only a white person had made them…that’s why white people never argue with each other, because it’s a vast conspiracy…???)

“…Japanese and Chinese people ARE the same race.”

(Wow…I did not know that.  I still don’t.)

“Slavery only went away when enough white people started dying on plantations and it stopped being a sustainable way for lazy people to get rich.”

(This is my favorite: Slavery did NOT go away because the Union beat the Confederacy.  The Confederacy was going to immediately end slavery regardless of the outcome of the Civil War.  Don’t laugh at me, I’m just trying to translate into non-fanatic here…)

“…folks like you thought it was a-okay to call us your slaves.”

(To someone else, but basically directed at white people.  Yeah…I feel the guilt, really.  I mean…folks like me.  You know, people with the same skin pigmentation, who otherwise have nothing to do with me.)

“…you don’t get to decide who can be rude.”

(Do you?)

“I can’t force any white person here to let go of their racist attitudes.”

(But you gave it a DARN good try.)

“Aaron, actually, I still don’t coddle racists like you.”

(So, again, you’re calling me a racist in a public forum.  Very Christian.)

“Aaron’s pro tips:  2. Assume that ignorance is a valid excuse for being a white racist.”

(WAIT A MINUTE!  You said “white racist”.  Why did you say that?  Since, according to everything you’ve said before, ONLY whites can be racist.  Therefore, to say “white racist” is, by your own definition, redundant.  Unless of course you mean there can be other types of racists…but that goes against everything you’ve said previously.  You SEEM too eloquent to be TOTALLY redundant…Hmmmm…)

“By Aaron’s logic: Rapists should be the ONLY people allowed to decide when raped women have a right to get upset.”

(All levity aside, that’s INCREDIBLY insulting and, of course, blatantly untrue.)

“Aaron, feel free to sue me.”

(Well, you never know…)

“Aaron 2: white people should be allowed to rape, torture, enslave, and lynch people of color, since sometimes people of color are rude to them”

(I have no response to this…I would just suggest looking up “libel”)

“Aaron 3: Jesus is totally cool with Aaron defending the rape, torture, trafficking, enslavement and lynching of people of color, but he will smite anyone who is rude to those who defend these atrocities.”

(See Above)

“Aaron, you’re offended? Aww! You know what else is offensive? Being a racist. However, that doesn’t stop you.”

(It doesn’t make me happy at all to be the subject of potentially libelous statements, Bint. It actually offends me deeply. But if you want…)

Finally, to close, a question and answer…question asked by another person, and answered by me:

“Aaron…..are…you willing to say/type/admit that racism, whites towards minorities, in this country, is an ongoing, real and major problem?”

Yes, I am. Yes, it is.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

My Third Comedy Routine – By Puppy

If they haven’t thought of/done this already, why not?, and here you go:

After obtaining any and all necessary permissions – Do a mix of the original Aerosmith song “Nobody’s Fault”, leaving it as is except putting in Phil Hartman saying “Fobody’s Nault!” at the appropriate places, and going through his whole “Fobody’s Nault” routine during the end outro.

*Pause inserted because I have no link*  (WAIT…something about ‘Night In The Ruts’.)

I mourn the death, or at least extreme decline, of the term “mailman”.  Because no longer can one say “Well, what other kind of man is there?” at the appropriate times.  Although the replacement term, “mail carrier”, does have myriad disease-joke possibilities.

And of course, there’s always the old (or maybe not) “I’m waiting for the mailman to come” phrase that is just RIPE for jokes.  “Why are you waiting for him to come?”, “Maybe you should help”, “So you want him to deliver your mail? (of course!) What did you order a male for? (Huh?) You’re waiting for a male, right? (No, THE mail) THE male?  You mean like, one of the Beastie Boys? (WTF are you talking about?)”…and so on, and so on.

The Bay (2012)

Oh God.  Another found footage movie.  Spoiler: It’s NOT REAL.

Actually, I think it’s an anti-seafood movie produced by the cattle industry.  Or rogue chickens of yesterday.

Acting/Dialogue: tolerable (only if you like thrills/chills, see below)

Icky makeup/FX: pretty darn icky

Thrills/Chills: a few, mostly near the end.  If you like that sort of thing, slog through the intro cr@p.  Just make sure you’re not afraid of sudden switches in volume level.

Pro-ecology message: Good.

Really tight pants on female reporter: GREAT!

Ends around 1:19:20, then sh1tloads of credits.

Grade: C-

Todd And The Book Of Pure Evil – Episodes 4, 5, 6 and ever after

Four/five/six episodes in and I feel exactly the same as one episode in.

No, check that…one episode in I had hope.

So I’m stopping here.  Because if I want “fairly amusing” there are plenty of other places to get it that don’t have that as an absolute, non-negotiable, completely repetitive ceiling.  And there are plenty of times it doesn’t even reach that.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 43)

“U.S. Readies Sale Of Reaper Drones To France” -Agence France Presse

When asked for comment on why they wanted so many of the drones, a French spokesman responded: “We GOTTA have more cowbell, baby.”

(free sample)

In the extremely unlikely event anyone ever actually asks me out on a date again and I want to say yes, I believe I will respond thusly:

“Well…beat’s scrubbin’ grout with a toothbrush.”

(there ya are, two for one!)

Oh GOD I’d love to learn French.  Such a beautiful language.

I mean, they think well, don’t they?  I mean, be fair…

Oh well, c’est la vie.

(Why don’t, wh- RUFF!)

Mutants (2008)

Starts out surprisingly decent, as if it might actually be leading up to something interesting.  Then after about 15-20 minutes it just gets dull.

Not a horror movie…more a drama/wanna-be-thriller.

The very ending’s a little twisted if you wanna fast-forward to that.  Otherwise you can safely skip it.

Grade: D-

ALL Dae, and ALL of the night! (SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE)

“(Era Nocturna) Against my better judgment I’m going to respond to this in the hopes that maybe you’ll garner some sort of insight into yourself. My reasoning for ceasing contact with you had nothing to do with the review…”

You stopped chatting with me IMMEDIATELY after reading my review.  So…let’s go with an MST quote here re: your statement – “Oh, I don’t know…”

“It had to do with your behavior. You were immature and acted like someone who had absolutely zero control over their emotions and their impulse control.”

You mean like you after reading my review?  Oh!

“For those reasons I decided to cease contact with you because I have absolutely zero room or time in my life for someone who is mentally unbalanced who shows signs of being so.”

Really?  You’re in your life, and you told me in a chat that you had a major mental disorder.
One that a lot of people, if I remember correctly, “couldn’t deal with” or “had problems with”…something to that effect.  Unsure of the EXACT quote, but something to that effect.

“Furthermore when I blocked you, you went on to harass my friends”

Which friends are you talking about?  I only know (beyond names on a page) one person, to the best of my knowledge/recollection, that you know.

“and then when they blocked you, you attempted to badmouth me in public further showing that you are not to be trusted”

Badmouth you in public???  I made a JOKE and a REVIEW.  It’s called comedy/satire/criticism.  Thicken that skin, girl.  And the “not to be trusted” part reeks a bit of paranoia, to me…
Also, “badmouth” you “in public”?  REALLY?  Let’s think about that…I have a PUBLIC WEBSITE.  If I wanted, TWO YEARS AGO, to “badmouth” you…where, perchance, do you think I MIGHT do it, logically?  I mean…AFTER you stopped chatting with me (check the date if you want) I went back and RE-REVIEWED your album.  I corrected what I saw were FAULTS in my original review, and then gave it a B-…the EXACT SAME GRADE.  If I wanted to “badmouth” you, WHY, pray tell, would I say your album was pretty good?

“and that you are mentally incapable of handling rejection”

You mean like you after…oh, whatever.

“and you are frighteningly unstable.”

I’m a marvel of modern science.

“So, in short, now that I have no “career” to protect: Kindly go crawl back to the hole you crawled out of and go kill yourself.”

So you wanted me to kill myself all along, but just hid that because you wanted free pub?  Ever see ‘Rejected’?  You know, the part where the caption is: “I am a consumer whore!” and the other guy is saying “And how!”.  That’s a good one.  I review that here too.
Also, by your own admission, you are no longer a public figure.  Thanks.

And, regarding my death, I seem to recall from a conversation with ummm…the one person friends unit, that they were actually quite concerned for my well-being.  I mean, I don’t KNOW this, but it seemed like, when they talked to me, they were sort of afraid that YOU might do something to try to hurt me.  And this isn’t a person that scares easily, from what I’ve seen/observed. 
Just an observation.

“By the way – your behavior is grossly inappropriate and is a sure sign of borderline personality disorder.”

Is that the one you have?  Or was it another one?  I forget which one you told me you had…I know it was relatively major, though.

“I highly recommend you seek DBT therapy”

Can I join your group?

“or, as I said above, die. Because your life is in serious risk of sucking for the remainder of whatever time you have left because absolutely NO ONE wants to know someone with BPD. You ALL suck because you’re psychos.”

Wait, how can you want me to get “help” if “NO ONE” will ever want to know me because I “suck”, according to your semi-professional psychiatric diagnosis?  And again…isn’t that, ummm…the illness that you said…well, nevermind. 
You know people, though, I’m pretty sure of that. 
Well, I may suck, but only at first.  Then I keep on suckin’ and I succeed.

Hey, good luck with your care…oh, nevermind.

I think I love you. Again. WAIT! No…yes….no….MAYBE….no. YES!…no.

P.S. – quote of “Era Nocturna” is in fact the words of Dae Noctem (I think, unless someone’s typing for her), no message to/from any other member of the band Era Nocturna is expressed or implied, implicitly or explicitly.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

I Have To Post On This

“Shot 16 Times By Cops, Innocent Man Files $20-Million Suit” – Title of recent AOL news video.

Basically they served a search warrant on an address, but the man they shot, who was lying in bed at the time, wasn’t the man they were looking for.

According to the two officers (one sheriff, one DOC) he “reached for what they thought was a gun”.

Now let’s think about this…there’s two of them, and one of him.  They’re law enforcement, he’s not.

I’m not saying he did or did not “reach for what they thought was a gun”…but if he DIDN’T, hypothetically speaking, whose word do you think would be taken by most people (including, of course, the police)?  The two officers who corroborate the same story, or the one non-officer who tells a different story?  Again, I don’t know what happened…and to presume either way is wrong.  I’m just saying that IF, hypothetically, they told a different story…who would be believed?

But hey, what do I know.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Infected (2013)

Terrible zombie flick with a down-home relaxed southern feel. 

Mr. Blonde has gone from menacing to fat, wrinkly, and pathetic.

I mean, I’m fat and wrinkly.  But at least I didn’t star in this.

I also spotted a guy that was decent in ‘The Rock’ about 20 years ago.

Even if you just want gore, there are much better options.

I have a theory: the main reason anyone agreed to appear in this movie (except the ‘Rock’ guy) is NOT the money.  It’s so they could put on their resume “I was in a movie with Michael Madsen”.

I was GOING to give this an F- right til the end, when I realized it could be interesting to watch to make fun of.  But only barely.  So I upped it.

48:10 – Ah, brilliant ‘Reservoir Dogs’ rip.  Door instead of cigarette.
48:32 – ‘Rock’ guy realizes he’s in this movie.

Epilogue: I’d rather the log remained hairy.  Also, during the second string of end credits, does the guy really say “high fever of the t1tty?”

Grade: F

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 42)

“Ignorance is bliss” is an imprecise statement.

Is = to be.

Ignorance = lack of knowledge.

So basically, “ignorance is the equivalent of bliss” or “ignorance is the root/cause of bliss”.

Which is false, since I know plenty of ignorant people that are really unhappy, and…well, actually NOONE isn’t ignorant.  Of SOMETHING.  Unless you know everything there is to know…and I don’t think any one person does…you are, in at least one sense, ignorant.

Therefore, the statement implies all people are blissful, which is not only imprecise it’s also COMPLETELY inaccurate.

I suppose it makes sense as a metaphor, perhaps…but are metaphors really logical?  And even if they are, are they appropriate for “logic statements”?

I mean, according to this analogy (Hey!  That’s what it could be!) the more ignorant a person is, the happier they are.  Therefore, the opposite must be true: the more a person learns, the less happy they become.

Hmmm…maybe there’s more to the Cthulhu mythos than I thought…