Scream 2 (1997)

The intro has great potential but blows it, lacking in imagination and going for a cheap thrill. I mean, come on…even the OBVIOUS obligatory “audience cheers thinking it’s fake” angle escaped the screenwriter.

The theory discussion that follows is more interesting…but serves only to make me not lose interest, not salvage.

Then it goes mediocre…tries to establish lots of “intrigue”, fails –
all the “emotion” seems quite fake. And the action scenes are dumb. Not parody-dumb, just dumb.

The best parts are the ruminations of geeky-guy survivor from part one. But they’re scarce and not nearly enough.

As for other good things…ummm…well, it’s professional. But when the killer(s) is/are revealed I really couldn’t care less.

Huge disappointment.

Grade: D

Panic Room (2002)

Three things made me watch this: A mild hope that it might be
good/interesting, Forest Whitaker, and the fact it was going off NF
streaming soon.

Jared Leto stinks, Whitaker is Whitaker (very good), and the rest are ok.

The movie itself looks real and is professional, but nothing special – the characters don’t elicit emotional involvement even with the best efforts of Whitaker; whose character is the only one that felt real to me.

On Netflix Streaming until 9/1/14.

Grade: C-

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

First: Time travel. The easiest excuse to make any story happen or unhappen. Also the most glaring loophole, considering that there are inherently endless variations that could occur endlessly for all eternity, nothing ever fully and definitively REAL.

But enough about that sh1t.

This is, in my opinion, the last decent Trek movie.

The regular cast is good, the Borg queen is excellent, James Cromwell is very good, and I really like the Data/Queen interaction.

As far as a weakness, for me it’s Picard’s Borg obsession and the
scenes playing off of that.

And, the MAIN weakness, the movie-long battle scenes that intermittently interrupt and kinda bore after a while.

On Netflix Streaming until 9/1/14.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a doctor, not a doorstop.”

Grade: C+

World Of The Dead: The Zombie Diaries 2 (2011)

I heard the first one stunk, but it’s not available on NF streaming even though this is. So I settled for this. All zombie movies must be watched…that’s my bread and butter, man.

The main character is a roving camera that makes shooting the film a lot easier.

It’s all generic and goes for shock value – there’s nothing new here.

And it features moments of incredible stupidity, foremost of which is the ages-old “RUN PAST THEM instead of waiting the two minutes it takes for them to shamble into you as you complain about how you can’t get past them you MORONS!!!” complaint.

It’s decently acted and decently funded, but completely redundant.

So, for zombie fanatics only.

Decent ending, though.

On Netflix Streaming until 9/1/14.

Grade: D

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 65)

Inspired by my imminent viewing of a cr@ppy zombie flick, I’ve decided to write the following magnificent piece of festering:

‘The Zombie’s Diary’
By Puppy

Chapter One

aaaahhhhhhhh…

Chapter Two

aaaAAHHH!

Chapter Three

Braiiiiins…

Chapter Four

More brains!

Chapter Five

aaaahhhhhhhh…

Chapter Six

*gunshot*

Chapter Seven

*thud*

End

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Tiny Adaptation On A Piece Of Brilliance

Courtesy of the two most talented Pythons (John and Eric).

Non-Commercial, adapted slightly for my amusement and perhaps yours.

(link removed. It’s Python, fairly easy to find.)

My slight alteration, ‘Rhyte And Wrong’

A play on a stage, with the following props:
fake walls on two sides (left and back)
window opening in left
doorway to closet in left
doorway with closed door in back
desk with papers on it
two chairs, one on each side of desk
fake, stuffed body made to look somewhat real on floor hidden behind desk
fake, stuffed body made to look somewhat real holding piece of parchment inside closet
two signs: one that says “JOKE” and the other “A NEW BOOK SUBTITLE”
A torch

two characters:
Lord Rhyte, obviously in charge, dressed elegantly
S. Lee, dressed casually

*Play begins with Lord Rhyte sitting in chair on left of desk, holding up a book with the title “Rhyte And Wrong” clearly visible in absurdly large lettering so all can see, reading intently from it*
*S. Lee approaches from left side of stage, and climbs through open window, completely unnoticed by Lord Rhyte, then calmly walks over from behind Lord Rhyte and the back of the table to the right side of it, sitting down and folding his hands in his lap*
*Lord Rhyte blinks, glancing over without expression at S. Lee, then back away to the book, raising his eyebrows in a faint look of surprise before calmly placing the book down and turning to face S. Lee*
“Ah, Lee.”
“S. Lee, Sir.”
“Shut up. I want to have a word with you, Lee.”
“S. Lee, Sir.”
“Shut up. It’s about your new book. Now I’ve had your publisher in to see me this morning and he’s very unhappy with your new book.
VERY unhappy. In fact, he stabbed himself.”
*S. Lee appears somewhat concerned*
“Badly, Sir?”
*Lord Rhyte responds without emotion change*
“No, extremely well.”
*Lord Rhyte reaches down and picks up the hidden left leg of the fake body behind the desk, showing it to S. Lee, who gives no reaction. He then picks up a sign that says *JOKE* and smiles at the audience before putting it down and turning back, totally serious again, toward S. Lee*
“Well, before he went, he left a note with his personal assistant-”
*Lord Rhyte opens the closet door, the fake body falls out as Lord Rhyte unemotionally snatches the parchment from it as it’s falling, then glances at it as he continues speaking*
“The extent of which was how unhappy he was with your book, and in particular, why you had changed the subtitle “A New Book By S. Lee” to “A Magnificent Festering Disease By S. Lee”. Why, Lee?
“Ummm…it was a joke, Sir.”
*Lord Rhyte speaks in a somewhat angry, challenging tone as he holds up the *JOKE* sign*
“A JOKE?”
“Uh, no, not a joke…”
*S. Lee holds up the *A NEW BOOK SUBTITLE* sign*
“A new subtitle, Sir.”
“I see, Lee.”
“S. Lee, Sir.”
“Shut up!”
*Lord Rhyte glances at the two bodies and then back at S. Lee*
“Well?”
“Well, people remember the name Sir.”
“They certainly do remember the name, they’ve threatened to set this office ablaze.”
*Torch is applied by stagehand to left wall, it starts to burn*
“They have set this office ablaze.”
*Lord Rhyte holds up the *JOKE* sign toward the audience*
*S. Lee glances somewhat sheepishly at Lord Rhyte*
“You’re not going to fire me, Sir?”
“Fire you??? Two men dead, the publishing house on fire, your books worthless and my loincloth completely soiled?? What, what can you possibly say, what EXCUSE can you possibly MAKE??!!”
*S. Lee holds up the *JOKE* sign* “Sorry father.”
*Lord Rhyte completely loses his anger*
“Oh, it’s alright. By the way, I like the book.”
*Lord Rhyte lifts “Rhyte And Wrong” up from the table and glances to it in indication*
*END*

10/16/16: This sucked. But the original was d@mn good. (housekeeping)

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Hey man, really 70’s.

The leadup is horrid: wretched script, bad acting, dullness, obligatory crotch-cam.

The horror part is really creepy, and it’s scary; but there’s only so much screaming with intermittent bad dialogue one can take before it’s just like “Ok…they’re insane, I get it…is that it?”

And it is.

Grade: C-