Honeymoon (2014)

Kinda creepy. But this is a “thriller” that’s not particularly thrilling.

That the filmmaker held my mild interest long enough to make me finish the film in the HOPE it would prove worthy via a payoff is an achievement. But don’t let it happen to you.

Cuz it ain’t worth it.

Grade: D-

From Star Trek II

“We are assembled here today to pay final respects to our honored dead. And yet it should be noted that in the midst of our sorrow, this death takes place in the shadow of new life, the sunrise of a new world; a world that our beloved comrade gave his life to protect and nourish. He did not feel this sacrifice a vain or empty one, and we will not debate his profound wisdom at these proceedings. Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most… human.”

RoboCop (2014)

Extremely unnecessary reboot, since the original was very-good-to-great.

Vastly inferior reworking with impressive action/FX/visuals, some (and I stress SOME) decent acting, and very little plot.

Gary Oldman (surprisingly) plays a relatively good guy, and he does it well. Keaton’s meh as sleazy-corporate-guy. And the Samuel L. Jackson bits kinda suck. I mean, he adds cheeze – especially at the end – just like he does to ‘The Great White Hype’ (NF Streaming, where the Hell is it??!!), but this doesn’t WANT cheeze.

Great use of one of the best songs ever to feature yodeling, though.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s the illusion…of free will.”

Grade: D

Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Two very damaged people find comfort with each other.

One of them is an actress who acts fairly convincingly.

The other is Nic Cage.

That’s why this is a failure.

If there is any message, it’s this: If your life is horrid and you feel there’s nothing to live for, find a hooker with a heart of gold and be honest with her. She’ll fall in love with you and be your saviour. Unless, of course, you don’t want one.

With the exception of that last sentence…didn’t that sort of cliche go out a long time ago?

Just say no to nihilism.

On Netflix Streaming until 3/1/15.

Grade: D-

Mulberry Street (2006)

An infection carried by rats slowly spreads, turning a portion of New York City into a mini-warzone, with the focus on two buildings.

People actually mutate into sort of rat-type things, which takes away from the horror factor and adds a cheeze factor.

Basically it’s Rage with some rat added…unfortunately. Rather a lot of rat, really.

Also lots of: heat, sweat, ironic happy music and claustrophobia.

Best during the buildup; drops off when it should kick into high gear.

Acting = decent

Cult following = undeserved

Well directed, but come on…it’s just not that good.

On Netflix Streaming until 3/1/15

Grade: D+

The Obvious Ones Are So Much Easier To Write

To all the CA/A’s fervently protesting the inclusion of “God” in the pledge of allegiance: Why aren’t you also protesting the inclusion of “with Liberty and Justice for all”?

I mean, the main argument to remove “God” from the pledge is that not all students believe in God/God may not exist.

But even that argument acknowledges (barring the insane extremists) that it’s at least POSSIBLE that God exists, and that SOME students may believe in God.

Who is stupid/ignorant/insane enough to believe that ALL people in the United States receive EXACTLY THE SAME “Liberty” and “Justice”?

Therefore, it’s a false statement. One with more evidence of being false than the statement “God exists”.

Where’s the quest-for-truth-telling fervor about that?

And more importantly, why don’t you take the time you’re wasting on a “pledge” that few students (I know…I was one once) take seriously and spend it on a legitimate Secular Humanist cause?

Like…I don’t know…something involving Liberty or Justice.

And to the CA/A-lemming argument “Well, this involves Liberty”…please. Let’s be serious here. If a student doesn’t believe in God, since they’re chanting in unison, they can say “Cthulu” or “The Devil” or “Joe Schmoe” or “flabbityfloobity” under their breath and noone will notice OR give a d@mn.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Confessions Of A Mouth-Breather

After incessant droning, dull, computerized mostly CA/A propaganda, I have come to realize that I AM in fact a Mouth-Breather.

I must admit that I am also a Nose-Breather, sometimes a Mouth-And-Nose-Breather, more likely a Mouth-Breather when my nose is stuffed up, and more likely a Nose-Breather if my lips have been sewn shut by that ‘Crazies’ doctor.

In addition, I am admittedly a Finger-Toucher, a Hand-Grabber, an Ear-Listener, a Nose-Sniffer, a Lip-Kisser, a Mouth-Swallower, a Taste-Buds-Taster, a Lung-Breather, a Foot-Stepper, a Legs-Walker, a Middle-Finger-To-Obnoxious-CA/A’s-erector, a Naughty-Bits-Waste-Matter-Excretor, and of course a Mind-Thinker.

So if any pseudo-intellectual CA/A (or other random lunatic) labels you a “Mouth-Breather”, be thankful, and simply refer to my handy guide on CA/A’s.

Thank you.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Upstream Color (2013)

From Shane Carruth, the man who surprised the hell out of me with ‘Primer’.

VERY weird, very odd, very artsy, very well-made.

I have little idea what most of this means. It strikes me, from a purely logical and analytical standpoint, as something completely meaningless. It strikes me, in that sense, as something so incredibly pretentious it would make the worst artsy-horrid French filmmaker blush.

But I FEEL that there’s something here…it does not feel, as logically I know it should (in my mind), to be nonsense. It feels as though this is deep and important and possibly even profound.

What is the case? I don’t know, really. Perhaps the filmmaker, as he did in ‘Primer’, simply knows how to evoke feelings of meaning whether or not they exist. Perhaps his meaningless quirks happen to speak to my particular sensibilities for some reason I don’t understand.

Very perplexing, much like ‘Primer’. But unlike that movie, I don’t know WHY this is perplexing. For to be perplexed, one must care. And I do not know why I care.

In any case, this is beyond me: if it’s worthless nonsense then I was interested in worthless nonsense for the duration and inspired enough to write this long and felt a review.

If it’s more, I can’t say what.

It’s enough to make me actually question my subconscious mind – to wonder why I felt this way. Because I don’t know.

Either way, it’s something I’m glad I watched. But I can’t say why I’m glad nor can I explain the movie, really, in any worthwhile fashion to a non-viewer.

It’s like…listening to Brian Eno if I liked Brian Eno, or going on a trip without taking drugs. Unexplainable to one who does not experience, and that’s the way it should be. Maybe?


It’s like…having a dream – that you don’t understand while it’s happening, and you don’t understand from what you recall imperfectly upon awakening. But nevertheless, it does make you refreshed and full of a mild wonder. Eventually it will fade, and then it will be impossible to recall why it had meaning at all. Because you never really knew, you just felt.

The writer and director also wrote the score, so the “experience” is solely his. I wish I could peek inside his mind to know what this is, if only to know whether it’s an F- or an A+. Because I can’t tell.

Inspirational Review: “While Upstream Color has a fair amount of (purely functional) dialogue, it’s essentially a silent film, obsessed not just with color but with texture and movement and rhythm.” – Mike D’Angelo

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B

Dead Snow 2: Red Vs. Dead (2014)

One of the most tasteless movies, beginning to end, that I have ever seen.

Gory, bloody, Americanized sequel that has two things the original didn’t: A bit of wit and some fairly consistent camp.

Of course it also has long periods of useless gore filler and useless non-gore filler, but it’s an improvement.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s not what it looks like!”

Grade: D

Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies (2012)

Incredibly bad zombie flick not to be confused with ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’, which is probably just as stupid.

My insistence on watching and reviewing anything zombie-related is both a burden and a comfort: I tried two sh1t movies before this (the terrible ‘Nightbreed’ and the polished-to-a-boring-sheen ‘Odd Thomas’) and stopped partway through each after realizing they weren’t worth the time. I knew that right away with this, but didn’t have to worry cuz I was locked in.

Abe’s weapon is TOTALLY bada$$, but even the camp value wears thin about halfway through. And without camp value it’s an F-.

Fav character: random bird walking on camera behind a tense scene.

Inspirational Quote: “Emancipate THIS!”

Grade: D-

Allan Muir: How One Sentence Can Wreck An Article

So I’m reading an article about the Bruins by a writer named Allan Muir, and he’s making a lot of decent points: they’re getting old (some of them), their defense needs to be better on both ends, they need more scoring, etc…

And then, either because he’s trying very hard to make a point in order to “sell” his article, or because he actually believes it, he writes this:

“The Bruins’ forwards are also short of spark; only rookie David Pastrnak seems capable of generating anything creative.”

I mean, that’s just absurd. To say they need MORE offense is one thing, to say he’s the ONLY FORWARD on the team capable of offensive creativity is ridiculous. From both a having-watched them standpoint (since I have) and from a statistical standpoint. Vis:

Patrice Bergeron: 52 GP, 35 Points
Loui Eriksson: 52 GP, 31 Points
David Krejci: 33 GP, 25 Points
Brad Marchand: 48 GP, 27 Points
Carl Soderberg: 53 GP, 33 Points

David Pastrnak: 17 GP, 7 Points

Message to Allan: While it may be good copy and good fodder for readers, bringing in obviously (IMPO) faulty “points” does not make an article better…it makes it worse.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Europa Report (2013)

Boring, nondescript space exploration movie padded with lots of commentary and repetition.

Six astronauts go to one of Jupiter’s moons and discover a small sample of life and some flickering and glowing lights. At the very end they discover something else; but it seems thrown in to give the movie a point, or an ending. And it’s nothing exciting.

The acting is ok but there’s nothing here. Not in character development, character interaction, emotional resonance…anything beyond mere competence.

The Wikipedia summary of the events of the movie is more exciting than the movie itself.

Grade: D-

The Fifth Element (1997)

This is a huge, meandering “epic” sci-fi failure salvaged only slightly by impressive/very ODD visuals and parts of Milla Jovovich’s character.

As you watch an array of ‘Hunger Games’-ish silly costumes parade by, the dislocated and disjointed bits of weirdness just keep on coming…the movie doesn’t.

The plot tries to be intricate but it’s just padded. The idea is a very simple one, blown out in bad ST:TOS fashion in ways that simply aren’t necessary and are often boring and/or annoying.

Luc Besson seems to be using some recycled ‘Professional’ material here: the sounds and light-of-salvation from the cabbie’s decision scene are right out of the hotel door-opening rescue.

I find Oldman’s appearance good only because it distracts from his out-RAY!-geous southern accent.

Milla Jovovich does fairly well as a combination of naive fish-out-of-water, ultrabad supreme-type being, and spouter of really fast gibberish. Her occasional cute comments, moments of shamelessness, and speedy nonsense are the movie’s highlights. If that’s not enough for you, skip it. Oh, and there’s lots of cleavage.

Exception: The anti-war message – featuring a convincing if brief performance by Jovovich – near the end is well done, and pretty powerful. Really, it’s the first GENUINELY “realistic” emotional moment in the entire film.

But it’s not enough, and there are none to follow.

Grade: D

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 83)

If “Life is too short for/to X”,

How long would life have to be for X to be acceptable?

And exactly how would living to 1000 make surrounding yourself with negative people ok?

And why am I pointing out something that’s just a flippin’ figure of speech that I understand perfectly well?

Because I’m uninspired, that’s why. D@MN!

Live365.com station – “Semper Puppy”

If you’re having trouble listening to my station – if the normal play button on the station page doesn’t work – please use the little one in the upper left of the screen.

Or, you could stop listening. Up to you, really. But I’d PREFER you took the first choice. Thank you.

-Puppy >.< Yip!