Category Archives: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

The Birds (1963)

I looked outside and saw some birds.

I thought to myself, “If they all attacked en masse it’d be pretty darn creepy”.

Now Alfred Hitchcock, who’s supposed to be so bloody wonderful, padded that out to two hours.

Lost all the tension.

The setup is mediocre and so is a lot of the dialogue, but still, pretty darn creepy.

Grade: C+

The Shape Of Water (2017)

It’s beautifully (and carefully) made.

It wasn’t what I expected, and it wasn’t as good as I thought it might be; I felt like it could be great, that everything established slowly in the beginning would produce more than it did.

But it’s still an achievement, and it’s something worth watching before you read the plot.

Grade: B

Cloverfield (2008)

One-line review choices:

1) “You gotta be fcken kidding…”
2) Statue-of-Liberty-head-nado.
3) Oh no, there goes Tokyo.

Take your pick.

It’s less than 75 minutes long, unless you like eternal credit scrolls.

There’s a cr@ppy end voiceover bit that was probably included so the movie could bill itself as an hour and a half.

Upped a notch for vague Cthulhu-ness and SPECIAL FX!

Inspirational Quote: “We’ve gotta get out of here…it’s time to leave the electronics store!”

Grade: D-

Hannibal (2001)

If there are two evil scumbags and both get away, that’s a tragedy.

If there are two evil scumbags and one gets away, that’s a shame.

If there are two evil scumbags and neither gets away, that’s a triumph.

Sure, so it’s interesting. It’s quite disturbing, undeniably.

Julianne Moore is not Clarice Starling, and I don’t root for Evil in its purest, most disgusting form.

But d@mnit, I am bound by critical integrity. ‘A Simple Plan’, your sway still holds.

Inspirational Quote From Julianne Moore: “The new Clarice would be very different…”

Inspirational Quote From Diane Chambers: “It is to laugh…”

Upped a notch for lingering dread.

Grade: B-

Psycho (1998)

For those of you who may have just missed ‘Psycho’, here it is again.

The only worthwhile effect of this absolute carbon-copy remake is that if you look in a movie listing and see ‘Psycho’ …listed, you don’t have to worry about which version it is.

Favorite actor/actress: Spider near the end, which shows more life than the rest of the cast. Not sure if it was a cockerel or a pullet.

Grade: F