The Match Game


I would think it’d be pretty d@mn hard to find two more disparate “characters” that both, nevertheless, share the same cardinal virtue.


FAIR USE: CRITICISM – A good clip from an otherwise fairly meh movie.


FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Good clip from a very good movie.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 193)

HERE’S something not to do:

Manage to acquire some sort of business, make it really really suck, then have two friends come in during peak hours. Wait for any sort of complaint from any customer, and then…

(Friend One) :Speaking up as they stand, as if to corroborate the complaint, and saying the long insult by the Waldorf Salad guy altered as necessary, but clearly on the complainer’s side:

THEN, very quickly, friend two stands as if deeply offended, speaking up as the Major did in the Waldorf Salad episode of ‘Fawlty Towers’, and making his punchline be another crummy business that does what yours does but is even WORSE.

It’s so simple it’s BRILLIANT.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 192)

James Tiberius Kirk handled it very well, of course…but I think there’s another scenario response that ought to be tried. You’ll still LOSE, of course…but you lose in STYLE, baby.

*Kobayashi Maru Commander* “This is the Kobayashi Maru…we have struck a-”

*Cadet, Interrupting* “Yeah, I know. Look, here’s an idea ladies and germs – next time your navigations officer or whatever-spacial-dangers officer says ‘Captain…we appear to be headed toward some sort of mine’, DON’T say “Ehhh…keep going”.


*Kobayashi Maru Commander* “Steady on course, helmsman.”
*Helmsman* “Ummm…begging the Captain’s pardon, but this is the area that has contained a mine each of the past 237 times we’ve entered it. Maybe we should just hook a right, or something?”

Norm MacDonald: Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017)

The great thing about Norm’s act/performing style is that it will go completely unnoticed when he finally goes senile and starts just rambling incoherently, without timing or interest in whether people can understand or not.

I’m sick of calling his attitude “brave”. It’s just fcken smug-a$$ dull by this point. If a bit of good humor comes out now and again, credit the law of averages.

Grade: D-

Pupdate – 5/12/17

‘Semper Puppy’ Update: R.I.P.

LCL: No Change.


Grade For My Grade-Giving/Reviews: Sometimes they suck, but usually there’s SOME bit of interest in them, at least. And occasionally I pull some great inspiration from out of nowhere. That’s for you Mortone!

Louis C.K. – If you find a clip you haven’t seen, give it a watch. Never bad. His specials are probably his best (I haven’t seen EVERY C.K. bit) but there’s small bits of inspired tastelessness out there all over the place. That’s a Bingo!

Anne Frank: The Whole Story (2001)

You know the story, of course. So the question is “how well will they tell it?”

This particular version has impressive performances by the female lead and Ben Kingsley.

The other characters seem peripheral – not bad, but not really good…”capable”.

It’s a little bit too teen-angst/cliche for me at parts in the beginning, but overall this is a pretty good movie. Nowhere near the power of ‘Schindler’s List’, but something I think should at least be given a chance.

Builds somewhat slowly after the capture – shows the gradual loss of anything that even resembles humane treatment.

Grade: C+

Courage Under Fire (1996)

What I remembered: Well-made enough, a bit macho, fairly interesting, not interesting enough to compel viewing but enough to warrant a look-see, too much flashbacking.


Has a bit of a Dreckheimer feel about it…but Denzel and (usually) the plot are enough to get by that.

Grade: C

An Oldie But A Bleu E

To the current “official” holder of LCL supremacy…”well you’re pretty good, old son, but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it’s done.”

Lost City Lanes (Real) High Score: 2813, by me.

My All-Time High Score: 2813 (Actually higher, but let’s start from this).

Last Updated: 5/4/17

I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore (2017)

Ignore the title. Ignore the description. Hell, ignore the movie.

Tired of creating innovative and interesting series, NF apparently decided to momentarily rest on their laurels and give us this movie-long hunk of total sh1t.

It’s not NEARLY as “menacing” as the title and description make it seem. That’s just BS advertising.

Of course, since it’s really stupid BUT well-written enough and well-acted enough to be convincing in its stupidity, this will be seen by some as a marvelous accomplishment; a prodigious achievement.

You said it, it’s putrid.

Upgrade to an A if you thought ‘The Big Lebowski’ was brilliant cinema.

Grade: F

Lessons From The Screenplay (Youtube Series)

I’ve only watched two of them (One on suspense and ‘Inglourious Basterds’, the other on creepiness and ‘The Shining’) but from what I gather they’re well-made, well-researched, and interesting…the analysis is intelligent without being smug, sort of “I want to talk, right down to earth, in a language that everybody here, can easily understand”.

Recommendation: Watch the ‘Basterds’ one first. If you like it, give the ‘The Shining’ one a look-see, then maybe try some more if you’re impressed.

(Dis)Honesty: The Truth About Lies (2015)

A documentary on how people lie, why, different circumstances, different perceptions, etc.

It’s a bit slow at first, and there are tedious moments.

However, the main speaker (who they cut to frequently) is both interesting and somewhat amusing.

And the overall interest factor in learning about the subject should keep your attention for the most part.

Grade: C+

The Elegant Gentleman’s Guide To Knife Fighting (6 Episodes, 2013)

Australia Australia Australia!

Python comparison: None, nowhere near as good.

KITH comparison: Pretty close at times, but not quite.

Best Guess Reference: ‘The Vacant Lot’.

Basically it’s a sketch comedy show/series that sometimes has themes reappearing later in each episode.

I can’t see hating it, nor can I see loving it. But it is quite tasteless, while at the same time being moderately amusing/entertaining.

Mildly recommended to fans of KITH, TVL, and general tasteless comedy.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Return

Unfunny bordering on embarassing.

I was worried it might be this bad, and it is. I only have one episode to work with, because I refuse to waste more time on this when I can be wasting it somewhere else.

At no point do I get the feeling of “hey, that was inspired” or “hey, nice message in joke form”.

By now there are so many people doing this sort of thing that it’s just another failed re-creation.

Let it go, guys.

Inspirational Quote from a long-ago MST3K sketch: “It stinks.”

Skins (2017)

It’s about people with major physical deformities: how they act, how they’re treated by “normal” people, how they feel about themselves, and their various friends/family.

Some of the visuals are disturbing, and parts of the movie are disturbing.

A bit difficult to grade…the makeup is very convincing, the characters seem real enough, and its message is at heart positive, about such people and the things they have to endure…AND about how they’re almost invariably better people than the ones that look “normal”.

But I think the idea of it could have been realized a lot better than it was.

If it sounds interesting, try the beginning, and go from there.

Grade: D

Mulholland Drive (2001)

Ha ha. Kangaroo Court. Ha ha.

Having established and accepted that his films suck, I thought I’d try to just summarize David Lynch for people who may be a bit confused.

Lynch is a writer/director whose “talents” are in the “director” part.

I mean, it’s got mood (LOTS of it), it’s got slowwwww building sequences, it’s got weird images, it’s got too many eyeball closeups, it’s got 1 minute scenes stretched out to 5 by means of standing/sitting around doing nothing, and it’s got a script that some may consider brilliant but that is, in reality, sh1t.

I mean, hell, even Ed Wood wrote better lines than this.

So unbelievable, so cold, so NON-reality-escaping.

So PLEASE-don’t-take-me-to-this-fantasy-world-for-two-hours-and-change.

I mean, the dialogue is mediocre at best. And the delivery is like a cross between Flying Circus’s ‘The Free Repetition Of Doubtful Words Thing’ and Ed Wood’s old buddy Kline.

It’s not dream-like unless your dreams are stupid and pretentious at the same time.

Horrible movie.

Grade: F

Patrick: Evil Awakens (2013)

An eerie doctor does some eerie tests on some eerie patients in an eerie hospital.

I was going to dismiss this as yet another totally cliche, predictable “horror” movie that loves sudden, SCARY music and actions. And doesn’t bother too much with acting.

But there was something about it (maybe the other second-banana nurse looking GREAT in her uniform, RAWR) that intrigued me just enough to keep watching. And by then, it wasn’t a film, it was a meal.

The creepy moments are there, so if you’re desperate for a horror/”thriller” movie, you MIGHT find this of some interest. But don’t be desperate, watch something else.

The ending sucks, if you like that sort of thing

Inspirational Quote: “My strengths are…bodily fluids and spongebaths.”

Premature IQ: “I’m okay.”

Grade: D-

Kung Fury (2015)

This is INCREDIBLY silly.

Pay no attention to the back story, or the main story.

Just watch as some guy battles rogue arcade games, Der Fuhrer and other nasty foes.

Personally, I find it stupid enough to be amusing at times. Other times, just stupid.

But it’s short…if you like sh1tty movies, why not give this sh1tty short film a try?

Grade explanation: Not quite top-shelf enough to qualify for a sh1t-C.

Inspirational Quote: “Knuck-les.”

Grade: D-