Doghouse (2009)

Macho, sexist, gory, meaningless.


If you can deal with all that, it’s kinda fun.  Because it also features better-than-average dialogue/acting/directing than your typical cr@ppy horror/gore flick.

Highlights: useful garden gnome, mostly ineffective weaponry, tastelessly appropriate music.

Inspirational Quote: “Now is NOT the time to stop objectifying women.”

Grade: C-

Anton LaVey vs. Yamamoto Tsunetomo – Jarmuschian Rip/Riff by Puppy

I mean, come on, it’s not even a fair fight…but here goes:

“Self-preservation is the highest law.” – Anton LaVey

Now moving on to the higher primates…

“He felt that a resolution to die gives rise to a higher state of life, infused with beauty and grace beyond the reach of those concerned with self-preservation” – Wikipedian analysis of Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Analysis: Unless you’re convinced that you, YOURSELF, are the very essence of all that is good and wonderful about Humanity, and therefore you MUST survive to pass on your incredibly vital genes that noone else could possibly hope to possess…the fact is, there are (always have been, and always will be…either sadly or fortunately) PLENTY of people for whom self-preservation is the 1st, 2nd, 3rd…25th priority.  So don’t worry…Humanity is safe.  How can any thinking person with any semblance of consciousness not UNDERSTAND this?

“Self-preservation is the opiate of the masses.” – Puppy

Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)

Music by some kid on a synth machine.

Featuring the very rare “slapping zombie”.  Also featuring some grandiose post-apoc Ren Faire acting.

It’s got an unbelievably slight “Awwww…they tried for a touching drama” sort of charm.

The will is moderate but the script is horrible.

59:43 – HAIKIBA!

Inspirational Quote: “Holy Jesus Christmas Sh1t!”

Grade: F

The Graves (2010)


Oodles of cleavage shots (no nudity) and bad dialogue.

Features two young actresses at the beginning and ending of their EXCITING careers.

Two questions I pondered while watching:
1) Is this ever going to get scary or interesting?
2) How badly did Tony Todd REALLY need the money from this?

Too dumb to even be offensive.  You can watch it to laugh at it, I guess…*Shrug*

Question:  Why does it have like half a dozen “Executive Producers”?
Answer: The director wanted to get all his friends in the credits.

Reminiscent of ‘Spinal Tap’…Nigel Tufnel: Lead Guitar.  David St. Hubbins: Lead Guitar.

Inspirationally Dumb Quote: “I’ll try to make this painless.” – Guy holding a bloody hammer

Grade: F-

Chillerama (2011)

Warning: In INCREDIBLY bad taste.

Now if it was utterly worthless, I wouldn’t bother to say that.  But it’s not.

It’s a fairly interesting set-up that turns into three (see below) really silly, cheezy intentionally B-grade “horror” movies.

1: Man vs. his own sperm in a life-or-death struggle.  Not bad.
2: ‘The Gay Werebear Musical’…dull and boring.
3: Hitler gets beaten to death with his own arm.  Not brilliant, but easily the best.  Features lots of World’s-Funniest-Joke-ish fake German, an utterly tasteless theory on ‘The Diary Of Anne Frank’, and a Jewish “Frankenstein’s Monster”.

Supposedly there are four movies, but number 4 is a tiny slice of nothingness that leads into the increasingly dull/cliche/please-let-it-end ending.

Recommendation: If you like cheeze and horrible taste, watch 1 and 3.

Grade: D+

The X-Files – A Decision/Commentary

I’ve concluded, after leaning towards the “extremely interesting” side for the beginning of season one, that I’m now firmly in the “boring” camp.  And vastly over-hyped.

The extremely spotty quality of the last two-thirds or so of that season and the beginning of season two, the already-redundancy of some of the episodes and ideas, and the extreme over-analysis of the show to the last minute dull detail MANY other places on the web has convinced me that to continue further would be a complete and utter waste of time…more often boring than interesting.

So I’ll end after a mostly-interesting season one.  If you insist on more, be my guest…but it’s better to burn out than to fade away, and my interest is fading rapidly.  I’ll remember it, somewhat fondly, as a cute little romance.  With aliens.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Hellboy (2004)

The first time I attempted to watch it I expected way too much, and stopped in disappointment. 

This time I expected mediocrity, and was therefore “pleasantly surprised”.

Violent but (thankfully) not extremely gory.  Why?  Either to avoid an “R”, or because it’s simply NOT NECESSARY.  If you want gore, watch a Rob Zombie sh1tfest.

Features Mulder’s dream job.

Cute, amusing, sweet, fun, disgusting and Cthulhu-esque.  With brilliant special effects.

Only problem: The writing isn’t as clever as it wants to be.  Or I want it to be, at least.

Observation: “Hellboy”, demon…one of the most decent beings in the movie.

Inspirational Quote: “What makes a man a man? … it’s the choices he makes.  Not how he starts things…but how he decides to end them.”

Grade: B

Melancholia (2011)

‘My Big Fat Artsy Gloomy Pre-Apocalyptic Wedding’.

OR, if you prefer: ‘…Infinitely Sad’

Well that was really horribly directed. 

“Let’s show exactly what happens in the first 8 minutes, with extremely interesting visuals in a sort of surreal, classical music-backed way…and then just make the really cool short vignette this should have been into a dull, ponderous waste of time.”

Like a typical “Only Happy When It Rains” person, the main character is traumatized by happiness (her own/that of anyone else) and becomes more and more content as horrible events approach. 

Some people have clinical/chemical depression, and deserve nothing but sympathy for something that is of absolutely no fault of their own.  Other people get depressed because they realize (occasionally) what nasty, dull, worthless little cusses they are. *’Glory’ rip…You rock, RGS*

Didn’t think I’d see another “heroine” so soon that made Clementine look sweet/interesting.

Warning: Possible PTM

Grade: D-

Dark Town (2004)

“Touching” dysfunctional family drama/horror movie.

The way it transitions seamlessly from drug-deal shootout to supposed (obscured by sheet) lesbian sex to birthday candle lighting to dumb dialogue to intermittent nipple shots back to dumb dialogue is a true monument to bad editing.  And writing.  And then there’s the bad acting.

Creepy-guy introduces new D+D spell: “Cause Light Menstruation” – Range: Touch.

You can tell the fangs are fake because of the extreme impediment to clear speech they provide.

Highlight: Tense, nerve-wracking shootout from opposite sides of the same car.

Guest Review: “What the Hell is that???” – Steve Martin

It’s off streaming on December 1st, so HURRY!!!

Grade: F-

Gordy (1995)

Watching ‘Babe’ was a truly moving experience.

Watching ‘Gordy’ makes me want to eat a GLT.

It’s so remarkably fluffy that you can’t really HATE it, but that’s all it is: fluff.  It’s an after-school special with a talking pig, the sort of movie that even as a small child I would scoff at as childish.

I think it’s a good bet anyone above toddler age would concur with me on that.

Features lots of exciting livestock footage.

Grade: D-

11/18/16: The heartwarming tale of Phil Gordian’s attempt to infiltrate the world’s- Oh. Nevermind, just a stupid ‘Babe’ ripoff. Grade: D-

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

The calm, pleasant way in which a society that celebrates rape, murder, and pointless brutality is presented and portrayed is horrifying.

Kubrick’s direction and the language he instills into the nightmare-fantasy make it that much more believable, hence truly foreboding and scary.

But the scariest thing to me in this gruesome little masterpiece is that some people watch Alex and his droogs with admiration instead of revulsion.

The second scariest thing is the calm, pleasant way in which the government adapts to anything and everything that gets in the way of the necessary progress of the State.

Inspirational Quote: “Goodness comes from within.  Goodness is chosen.  When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.”

Grade: A

The X-Files – Episode 24 (The Erlenmeyer Flask)

You knew they had to ditch the sometimes-mediocre “monster” episodes and return to the story arc for the season finale, and they do.  And thankfully Chris Carter writes it.

Genetics/Extraterrestrial/Conspiracy based.  No vague “hints” here, this delivers even more than ‘E.B.E.’  Vital and powerful, a must-see if you have any interest in the show itself.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” gives a vague tip to Mulder, Scully makes her distaste of “Deep Throat” plain to Mulder, an objective analysis seems to prove something believed impossible, Scully meets “Deep Throat” and interacts one-on-one with him for the first time, MAJOR ending events, including an eerie reminder of the pilot episode. 9906753.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not gonna give up.  I can’t give up…not as long as the truth is out there.”

The X-Files – Episode 21 (Tooms)

After a brief period of mediocre/unimportant episodes…

The “monster” from episode 3 is back.  He’s still creepy, and while this reprisal is also irrelevant to the story arc, it’s almost as interesting as the original. 

Highlight for me is a playful/serious exchange in which Scully actually calls Mulder by his first name, and makes her loyalty to him abundantly clear…not that that was necessary, for him or a viewer with any perception.  She later, through a rather non-Scully-esque action, proves it.

Inspirational Quote: “You can get the next mutant.”

Why Fascism Has Historically Favored Atheism – Bleedin’ Obvious Observation By Puppy

It’s easier to get people to do what you tell them to do when they’re convinced the leader of the state is the supreme, ultimate authority on everything.  That being no longer possible through “God-King” myths, it is done via propaganda often to create a “Cult of Personality”.

The X-Files – Episode 17 (E.B.E.)

You want UFO/conspiracy-based, you got it.  “Trust noone” certainly applies here. 

One of the best episodes yet.

Points of note: “The Lone Gunmen” introduced, “Deep Throat” meets with Mulder and (for the first time) seems a bit jittery, Mulder acknowledges the existence of “Deep Throat” to Scully but not his exact identity, Scully questions “Deep Throat”‘s intentions/reliability, “Lone Gunmen” prove useful.

Inspirational Quote: “I think it’s remotely plausible that someone might think you’re hot.”

The X-Files – Episode 16 (Young At Heart)

A supposed dead man is supposedly on the loose.  Also centers on medical research that mirrors ‘Re-Animator’ in its callousness.

Points of note: An incident revealed from Mulder’s past gives an indication as to why he’s so dedicated/obsessed to/with his work, research information “lost” but established as still existing, government connection/interest concerning research confirmed by “Deep Throat”.

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Fairly intelligent and cleverly macabre/campy without being overly gory.  Nothing special, but it’s worth watching if you like such things.

First film: Christian Slater and Steve Buscemi try to out-creepy each other.

Second film: Adorable yet DANGEROUS kitty cat.  Sort of like the ‘Holy Grail’ rabbit.

Third film: Predictable yet fairly interesting take on promises.

All intertwined by an impeccable suburbanite cannibal.

Grade: C+

9/1/23: The third is easily the best; it’s actually kind of sad and touching. I’d recommend watching it, and the little connecting (and ending) bits, and skipping the first two. I don’t get how I found them “cleverly macabre/campy”, but I did write this almost 11 years ago and I was probably in a better mood. Grade: C-

Slither (2006)

Features the captain from ‘Firefly’/’Serenity’, if you care. 

Also features some very grotesque images, some just nasty and some so surreal they’re kinda funny in a campy, H.P. Lovecraft-would-have-approved sort of way.

It’s an alien possession/infiltration movie, sort of like ‘Invasion Of The Body Snatchers’ (only not as good) or ‘The Puppet Masters’ (with better acting).  It’s also a comedy, unlike either of those…so basically it’s horror/comedy/”interesting” visuals. 

If you like that, good…if not, there’s nothing else.  Meaning there’s no real drama or characters.  But who cares?

Not me.  I put this just a notch below ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’ and ‘Fido’ in the gleefully enjoyable intelligent camp horror/comedy category.

Lesson Learned: Never threaten a man-squid.

Inspirational Fight: Painted-Japanese Nails vs. Slug-Thing

Inspirational Quote: “…I turn into a FCKEN mollusc, I’m gonna sue those bastards”

Grade: B-

Revisionist History – Satire By Puppy

In the spirit of the Holidays, let’s take a “what if?” look back…the year, 1897:

Title: Is There A Santa Claus?

“Dear Editor: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says “If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.”
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?”

“Crusading Atheist Editor:
What are you, stupid?  I mean…GROW UP!  LIES!  ALL LIES!  Thanks for writing.”

The X-Files – Episode 13 (Beyond The Sea)

Brad Dourif is very impressive as a serial killer who claims psychic powers.

The monster is a human in this one, same as the last one.  Only, the last one isn’t worth watching, let alone reviewing, and this one certainly is.

Mulder’s affection for Scully becomes obvious here, at least in a legitimately paternal way. I’m echoing myself, I know, but I couldn’t resist…and it is true.

Points of note: Major event in Scully’s family (and other events) tilts her more towards “belief” in one area at least, Mulder faces death, and Mulder/Scully reverse roles somewhat.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 19)

There should be a “Crusading Atheist/Antitheist Cable Network”.

They can take all the great Holiday classics we know and love and edit them for “truth-telling” purposes.


The ending of ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’:

“Hark the herald fictional creatures made up by humankind for their own comfort sing, glory to the new-born human being who was not in fact the son of God so don’t kid yourself…”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Latest Great Atheist Achievement

I read an article where an atheist individual with (I believe) sponsorship and/or support from an atheist group spent the time and energy that could have been used on hundreds of “Pro-Humanity” causes to instead put up a billboard next to a nativity scene in which they (Kids, please stop reading here) outed Santa Claus as a fraud.  Oh, and objected to religion.

Now, my major complaint here is…since anyone with ANY degree of intelligence knows that an atheist billboard isn’t going to convert a “believer” any more than seeing a nativity scene is going to convert a “disbeliever” or “non-believer”, and that BOTH are free expressions under the First Amendment of the United States (You know…freedom of speech/religion-nonreligion and all that):

Why do you want to make little children cry?

I mean…imagine the scene, parents taking their kids to see Santa, they’re all excited and happy to say what they want for Christmas…they’re not thinking about the existence or non-existence of God, they’re not being “brainwashed” (Unless you think Santa Claus must be exposed as a fraud on SHEER PRINCIPLE), they’re not doing anything except BEING HAPPY…and then the parents have to console them and explain that the billboard is wrong so they’ll stop crying.

Ummm…can you say “childhood trauma”? 

Is there a crusading atheist actually there to back up the billboard, too? “Don’t listen to them, kids!!  Santa is a FRAUD!!!”

Or, to put it simpler: “Tellarites do not argue for a reason, they simply argue.” – Sarek

The X-Files – Episode 11 (Eve)

Do all blood-draining puncture marks come from “vampires”?

Depends on how you view genetics and its relation to humanity/inhumanity.

Interesting, and very creepy.

Eves abound…one of the greatest arguments against eugenics given our incredibly limited minds in relation to such things.

This time it’s Scully that’s slightly/playfully jealous of Mulder…very cute.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” appears after a subtle hint.

The Horde (2009)

Zombies.  En Francais.

There’s a very brief set-up, then it gets really violent and gory…for a little while, at least.  But even if you like violent and gory, you probably won’t like this.

Since this movie has pretentious (unfulfilled) aspirations to be serious and meaningful,  there are long lulls between the violent scenes.  But unlike, say, ‘Land Of The Dead’, they’re dull, boring lulls, serving to alienate and frustrate gore fiends and those that make the mistake of reading the subtitles looking for a good story equally as much.

Usually the reason I don’t like watching foreign-language films is that I have to worry about missing some nuance in acting or emotion while I’m reading the subtitles.  Here, since the dialogue is just as bad in French as a generic American zombie flick, the only thing the subtitles do is take up screen space.

Lots of head-butting, too.

Grade: F

The X-Files – Episode 10 (Fallen Angel)

Major return to the story arc…UFO-based, intelligent, quick-moving, and (by far most importantly) back to being interesting.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” is called upon again, “Max” from NICAP introduced, Mulder pisses lots of people off.  And we learn that maybe “Deep Throat” isn’t quite what he appears to be through an intervention on his behalf.

The X-Files – Episode 8 (Ice)

Draws heavily from John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’.  It’s more intellectual but not as interesting…but still interesting enough to watch.  But I must say, this is the first episode in which I found the acting to be a bit overly dramatic. 

Speaking of firsts, Episode 9 is the first episode I found to be dull and unimportant enough not to review.  I’m hoping it’s a temporary hiccup.

Inspirational Quote: “Before anyone passes judgement, may I remind you, we ARE in the Arctic.”

Rob Roy (1995)

Released the same year as ‘Braveheart’, but it’s very little like it.  To say they’re both about Scotsmen is obvious, but ‘Braveheart’ is a grand, majestic, powerful quasi-historic epic.

This is simply a study of characters and of the nature of character.  It’s fairly well-made and fairly well-acted, but compared to ‘Braveheart’, just not-as and not-nearly-as.  Not as powerful, either…because at times the drama seems more forced than real.

As for other comparisons, Liam Neeson’s Robert Roy MacGregor is just as noble as William Wallace or Robert the Bruce, while Tim Roth’s Archibald is just as despicable as King Edward and just as foppish as his son.  Of course, like ‘Braveheart’, it’s just a movie.

Inspirational Quote: “Honor is…what no man can give you.  And none can take away.”

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

The X-Files – Episode 7 (Ghost In The Machine)

Don’t mess with COS. 

The monster is a machine this time, or so it seems.  Very interesting.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” is called upon twice, Mulder/Scully make a major enemy.

Scully’s affection for Mulder becomes obvious here, at least in a legitimately maternal way.

Amusing little ‘2001’ reference, too.

The X-Files – Episode 6 (Shadows)

This one’s about psychokinesis…extremely interesting, actually. 

Think a variation of ‘Firestarter’, maybe…if it had been put to film anywhere near the level of the novel. 

Scully’s skepticism becomes illogical at one point in this episode.  To deny the existence of something you consider “impossible”, even when presented with it, is illogical.

“An ancestor of mine maintained that if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” – Spock

The X-Files – Episode 5 (The Jersey Devil)

Monster of the week: See title. 

Not the best monster, or story.

Notable mostly, since I care far more about the characters than the story, for Mulder’s first obvious jealous twinge regarding Scully and Scully duly taking note and appearing more amused and flattered than offended. 

Which shows, as compared to the later dialogue regarding said “relationship”, that subtlety can often reveal far more than blatant exposition.  Or, as they say, “Insinuation really makes it happen”.

Reaffirmed when Scully, with just a bit of guilty/gloatingly independent reluctance, tells Mulder she has a date: which of course she doesn’t enjoy one bit.