Ridding The World Of All Known Problems

What does that? Antitheism, of course! A lack of religion would eliminate all the world’s problems.

In other news, North Korean leader’s ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad for making porn.

Well…there goes that theory.

Thanks CA/A’s, GREAT idea! (Re: JJ – MPFC, “HTDI”)

I mean, my position is SO EASY! I don’t have to prove that religion is “good”, I merely have to prove that evil fcked up sh1t would happen COMPLETELY WITHOUT religion. Personally, I feel a bit let down…I was hoping for a challenge. 🙁

-Puppy >.< Yip!

5/17/16: Rumors of her death may have been greatly exaggerated. But if you’re POINTING THAT OUT – that is to say, if you’re trying to show that North Korean leadership “isn’t all that bad…” – just to back up your obvious bullsh1t hypothesis…you really need to rethink your priorities.

8/12/16: Just a little clean-up. But hey, check out ‘There They Go, Satisfied Customers By The Thousands!”. That’s some funny stuff.

A Theory – And It’s Mine

Well, it’s more of a theory in the Anne Elk sense…that is, it’s an obvious fact to anyone but a MORON.



As I’ve said countless times (well, I could count, but that’d be boring and I’m on a roll) before, religion can NEVER be done away with.  I’d like to explain that I put the word “never” in all caps for reasons of emphasis.  NEVER.  As in, not ever.  *Knock Knock* Hello…hello, McFly?

As extremely reluctant Einstein-esque quotee Spock is oft quoted as saying FOR CA/A’s: “Yield to the logic of the situation.”

Would Spock pursue an impossible goal?  No.  That would be illogical.  A silly, pointless, illogical human reaction.  Spock would accept as reality the facts of the situation.  And he would move on.  Not to mention that Vulcans are THEISTS, but that’s beside the point.

I mean, it simply cannot be done.  It’d be like saying to him “Spock, our group wants to work on computing the exact numerical value of Pi.”  He would look at you, probably with a raised eyebrow, explain how that was impossible, and politely decline to join your waste of time.

“Computer.  This is a class A compulsory directive.  Compute to the last digit the value of Pi.  *Pause* As we know, the value of Pi is a transcendental figure without resolution.  The computer banks will work on this problem, to the exclusion of all else, until we order it to stop.” – ST: TOS, ‘Wolf In The Fold’

CAN’T BE DONE.  Understand?  CANNOT.  No.  Never.  Ever.  Impossible.  There will ALWAYS be theists.  Always.  Forever and ever.  And if all current theists stopped believing and all religions were done away with (ALREADY an IMPOSSIBILITY), people would MAKE UP NEW ONES!!!  What the Hell is wrong with you people?  My lack of God, it’s annoying!!!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Cemetery Man (1994)

It’s a good sign at the beginning when something deadpan happens and it’s played just right.  Not ignored, but not POINTED OUT, like “wasn’t THAT clever???”.

Acting is tolerable, fx are cheezy, music is pretty decent.  The weakness of the script becomes more of an issue as things get more complex.

I kind of went back and forth between bemoaning its stupid cheeziness and waiting to become enthralled by its near-fascinating gothiness.  I doubt many will find the second winning in their hearts/minds, but, as with ‘Lo’, it’s completely possible some people will adore it and others will think it’s a load of sh1t.  Me, I’m somewhere in the middle, but it doesn’t grab me the way ‘Lo’ did, so leaning more towards the latter.

You’ll only find it funny if you hate it, and you won’t find it scary either way.  The best to hope for is rapt fascination…which I could understand.  None of that HERE, but to each their own.

If it was better written and better acted I might call it moving.  As it is let’s call it (mildly) interesting. (Re: JJ – RC, DH ‘ICSS’)

For living/undead romance, I’ll take ROTLD Part 3.

Grade: D+

Chiot Est Mort. Vive Chiot.

Pretentious? MOI??? (Re: JJ – Diane and RC).

So an update on the great Neopets saga that I just KNOW you’re going to love:  (Re: JJ – MPFC)

New account, 1st place in LCL recovered.  Ummm…4 times.

So yeah…a fluke and all. 

Meaningless?  Sure!  But I just have a RtH attitude toward proving people wrong when they act like…mmmm…so on and so on.  (Re: JJ – MPFC)

HA HA HA HA HA I AM the God, I AM THE GODDD!!! (Re: JJ – Frank)


-Puppy >.< Yip!

To The DOSASS (Part 5)

You know, being under this Denial (well, sort of) Of Service attack, it kinda makes me feel like the high court has sentenced me to TORTURE.

And if you ever stop, I’ll probably be thinking to myself, somewhat wistfully for some reason, “What about TORTURE??”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

P.S. Oh yeah, since I got more hits yesterday than in any single day for the past two weeks, let me just repeat this gentle assertion/question: You’re not a very GOOD hacker, are you?

Independence Day (1996)

Once again Jeff Goldblum plays the coolest character in a cheezy, dated-upon-release but still somewhat fun quasi-epic sci-fi-ish adventure flick.  Only this one is more cheezy.  And a little too long.

But it does have Will Smith, which sort of offsets that.  Sort of.

Inspirational Quote: “Excuse me…Mister President…that’s…not, ENTIRELY accurate.”

Grade: D

NeoPets – The Tomb Of The Unknown Score

First, an explanation/warning of a problem I encountered on Neopets.

Second, a general NeoPets review (Hey come on, I put seven/eight solid days of work into this!).

Fifth, a description of screen shots I have and how they’re relevant.  No, I’m not going to upload them.  Why?  Because I don’t care if you believe me, and because you probably are bored by this enough already.


Well, let me just use mostly email quotes from me and TNT (That’s an acronym for The Neopets Team, for those in the know).

8/9: Timeline event – Neopets account created.

8/13: 1st place overall score, listed in BIG LETTERS on a game page, held by me, vanishes.  Now, and this becomes important later on, notice the month of creation and the month of high score gaining.  YES!  They’re the same!

8/13-8/14: Mentioned problem, got this response: “We will look into it Thanks!”

8/16: Wrote to ask about progress of looking, since score still gone and no info given.  Received this response: “Thank you for contacting us via the Feedback form. If, in fact, you have an actual support issue regarding your account, please submit a ticket here:”.  No, I don’t have an actual support issue, I’m quite deliberately wasting your time.  Well, except for the deleted/vanished score support issue, there’s that.

8/19: From me: “It’s been four days, my ticket has been closed without resolution, only reopened when I suggested I was considering writing about the state of Neopets customer service, and still I’ve received absolutely no idea whatsoever why my number one score in Lost City Lanes was deleted, after having been delayed acceptance to VERIFY legitimacy, and then approved.  And posted to the high score list, giving me a trophy I still have even though according to the game itself, I have NEVER played it.
So, just letting you know I’m working on my piece.  If you’re not going to do anything about it, the least you can do is tell me “We’re not going to do anything about it” instead of just…nothing.  Let me know, thanks.”

8/21: …As for your score, High Score trophies are awarded only once per day, sometime in the early morning Neopian Standard Time. In order to receive a trophy you will need to be in a qualifying position in the High Score Table at that exact moment. If you send
a qualifying score after this time you’ll need to maintain your top spot to qualify for the next day’s trophy.

Please note that scores being reviewed are NOT posted until the score has been approved by our moderation team. This means that it will not post to the High Score table, no matter how awesome your score was, until it’s approved. By the time it is approved
the score may no longer qualify for a trophy but this is not a bug, just how the system works…

8/21: My response: “Hello.  The fact that I have a 1st place trophy in Lost City Lanes is proof, by your own words, that I MUST have achieved a top three score, this month (since this is my first month of playing), in Lost City Lanes that was accepted and posted to the high score table.  I have screen shots to verify this.
My score was reviewed, and accepted.  And I have screen shots of this as well.  A few days later, it was deleted, after I received the proper trophy for having the number one overall score, which I worked very hard to get.  The deletion came without any explanation whatsoever, and after nearly a week there is still no explanation.  I can only infer from that that Neopets does not thoroughly investigate such matters, for if you did you would certainly have a reason for the deletion of my high score, or at least could have been able to tell me what you just told me, which is nothing I didn’t already know, almost a week ago when I first mentioned the problem.
I will no longer be using Neopets, and I will be posting a message concerning these events to inform anyone who may be playing/thinking of playing of what can happen to something that you work very hard to get, using the screen shots and information I have gathered.
Thank you, and goodbye.”

Part Two:

Suggested new NP ad slogan:
Neopets: Your home for more ads than Live365!

OR, you can pay 8 bucks a month and they take away the ads.  And that’s about it.  Really…the “extras” are inconsequential except for the SSW (Super Shop Wizard), and if you think you really NEED that, just remember: It’s a GAME…”Neopoints” don’t actually exist.  It’s a bunch of pixels on a screen that you’re paying 8 bucks a month to see slightly altered.

In all honesty, the games (a lot of them, at least) are top-notch as far as simple online goes.  But that doesn’t get any better for 8 bucks a month, and when your number one score in a game can get mysteriously deleted by a HUGE company that should have software that excludes the “random deletion” effect, it takes away a bit of the fun.

Part Three:

ScreenShot 1: My adorable sweet cute lovey-dovey sweet little first-place trophy!
SS 2: My account info, showing I started on 8/9 and had been playing for 3 days.
SS 3: My “High Scores” list…Lost City Lanes not there! 🙁
SS 4: Ticket submitted on 8/14 explaining problem IN DETAIL
SS 5: This is my favorite…it’s a screenshot of the game Lost City Lanes, and it shows that my high score for the month is “N/A” and my high score OF ALL TIME is “N/A”.  So, basically, I have a 1st place trophy for a game I NEVER PLAYED.  That’s just priceless.
SS 6: Screenshot of my ticket being “Reopened” VERY soon after I wrote and complained and mentioned that I might complain publicly about bad CS…now ain’t that a coincidunce! Nyuk nyuk nyuk…
SS 7: Ummm…just a later copy of 6, with nothing being done after 4-5 days.
SS 8: Ummm…see above.  Redundancy, you know, Mr. Hunter.
SS 9: Screenshot showing the “My Support” section, which vanishes conveniently whenever I REALLY want to look at it, or if I complain (for a while).  Naughty me!
SS 10: Screenshot showing the entire “Help” section after I complained again, which is mysteriously completely blank (see above).

Hope you enjoyed this!  If you did, I’m Puppy!  If not, I’m Penn and Teller!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

To The DOSASS (Part 3)

Since my hit total is pretty stable, if not up, since the attack began, and since the only thing it’s forced me to do is click a different button here and there, I have to say this to you:

You’re not a very GOOD hacker, are you?

-Puppy >.< Yip!

P.S. – GoDaddy does not count “pings” toward the daily hit total.  So no, the hits are not you.  The hits are other people, despite you.

With that in mind, I think I can safely refer to this as, instead of a “Denial of Service” attack, a “Slight Uptick in Service and Revitalization of Inspiration for Owner of Site as Shown by Recent ‘I am Feeling Uninspired’ Post” attack.

But by golly, it’s working!

Criticism Where Criticism Is Due, Praise Where Praise Is Due

In the spirit of that, I’d like to say that GoDaddy acted fast in responding to the DOS attack I’m currently still under.  Thanks!  I mean, when you’re under a Denial of Service attack (which tries to prevent you from getting hits) and your daily hits go UP, that’s a good sign.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

NSA Please Do Not Read This Post

How to know you’ve sorta kinda made it: become the target of a Denial Of Service attack.

Now, I appreciate someone attempting to hack me as much as the next guy, but it is illegal. 

Thus the disclaimer as the title for the post.  Because it certainly would be a shame if the NSA, which monitors all online communications, were to read this and find out that an illegal activity had occurred.  Why, they might even investigate.  So, please…don’t read this.  Thank you.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

P.S. Thanks for the material, DOS guy/girl/entity/it.

Gilliam Vs. Spielberg

Ok, so recently Terry Gilliam made a comment something to the effect of: Steven Spielberg isn’t a very good director, he just makes predictable and formulaic movies for the masses complete with happy endings.

Now, I LIKE Terry Gilliam (at least, his work) but he’s clearly always been a little bit insane (watch ‘Flying Circus’…no, he wasn’t on drugs) which tends to add to his work sometimes, but it makes his serious commentary, well at least in this case, suck.

Spielberg’s ‘Minority Report’ (based on a Philip K. Dick novel, I know, but Gilliam said “director”, not “writer” or “complete comptroller”) is brilliant.

Introducing Gilliam to that equation would have gone pretty much like the Python equation: he hovers behind MUCH more talented people (Idle, Cleese especially) and chimes in with the occasional bit of fun nonsense.

In order for Spielberg/Gilliam ‘Minority Report’ to have been as good, Spielberg would have had to be in charge of 98 percent of it, and Gilliam the other 2.

1 percent of that would be his inspired creativity that was the equal of Spielberg’s (I’d say 98:1 is a fair ratio of talent) and the other 1 percent would be the same as from Python: nonsense, inane/insane surreal references given meaning only by those that adore French cinema (see Python’s ‘French Film Sketch’) and, of course, a confusing ending.  In fact, the ending is the ONLY thing Gilliam could really improve…he’d get his 2 percent there.  Maybe.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: High School Big Shot (1994)

Really cheezy, “groovy” high school crime drama/love story.

Frank’s mild scolding of little dino
Out Of This World short – a fairy tale about bread
boozy dad/effeminate heterosexual son
really bad fake walking
good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “I’ll win a Tony one day…”

Grade: B+

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 44)

It’s amazing, to me, how many different states of mind there are.  How many different ways of “knowing” “reality”.  Sure, there are people that are so similar as to make it virtually the same, but there are literally BILLIONS of different ways of looking at/sensing/feeling the EXACT same conditions.  How anyone, with this in mind, can believe with certainty that their “reality” is the absolute truth is mystifying.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Deadly Mantis (1997)

Why did I review this MST3K episode?  Because I FELT LIKE WATCHING IT.

Ah, sweet freedom.

The story arc shows Mike destroying a planet and Pearl acquiring an ape.  It’s not PARTICULARLY interesting, but it’s decent.

cr@ppy Cold War references
military jokes (easy, but still)
pretty good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Do you have to have your area right near me, Sir?”

Grade: C

A Theory On Cancer – By Puppy

Recently saw an online article about a new study linking cell phone use to cancer.

So?  What’s the news here?  That’s like the studies that PROVED that smoking had a direct connection to lung cancer. 

Everyone already knew.

My theory is: Anything that isn’t natural for the human body to deal with, anything that the human body is not MADE to deal with, that it is FORCED to deal with on a massive scale over a very long period of time, causes cancer.  And nothing else does.

Lungs aren’t meant to inhale smoke, they’re made to inhale oxygen.

Our bodies weren’t designed to process artificial ingredients/effects/items, so prolonged exposure to large amounts of them can cause cancer. 

I mean, maybe this is completely off base, but it seems logical.  I can’t think of a single instance where someone was diagnosed with cancer, and the natural contact with something the body was designed to come into contact with was pointed to as the cause, or even suggested as a possible cause.

The human body is a natural organism, it behaves according to natural laws.  When things are introduced that are unnatural, despite the ENORMOUS adaptability of the human body, eventually, given enough prolonged exposure, harm is caused.  I have no facts to support this other than what seems my common sense, as it does seem logical.

Three Years – It All Sucked

You have 780478 Total Visits – That’s 260K a year.  Not bad.  Not good…

Lately it’s slowed to a trickle.  But I remember the good old days when it was moderately popular.

I thought to myself: Why aren’t people coming nearly as often?  Several ideas crossed my mind.

Then I finally realized: Who gives a sh1t?  Lately it’s been more work than fun, so I’ll adopt the Spinal Tap viewpoint and look upon this as a good thing.  Sad?  Absolutely!  But maybe I’ll be discovered by Japan.  Or get re-inspired over something.  Until then, have a look at my glory day posts, some of which were actually pretty darn good!  ‘Equilibrium’ is actually the first review I’m REALLY proud of.  And rest easy in the knowledge that I’m building up a HUGE amount of material to post at a later date.  Or, I’m completely out of ideas and I’ll never post anything else interesting.  Too close to call, really.

And no, the site isn’t going anywhere.  It’s just on hiatus.  And no, I’m not selling it, if only to continue to frustrate those who enjoy seeing me fail.

Oh, and finally, at the risk of being a consumer whore (and how!), if anyone out there actually LIKES something I’ve written and wants to work on something critical-ish or MST-ish, let me know.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Infection (2010)

Cr@ppy attempted sci-fi/non-scary horror preceded by cr@ppy attempted drama.  And liberally interspersed with it.

OR: The rants of a crazy old woman.

You can watch it if you want something to make fun of that safely promises never to interest, scare, or emotionally involve.  There are VERY brief flashes of competence, and sound failure. 

Should you choose to watch it, there is a point where a flashback occurs as an explanation of a semi-revelation.  You might, like me, wonder to yourself: “Why didn’t I notice that when it happened?”  The answer, I think, is “Because it wasn’t any dumber than the rest of the movie so I chalked it up to sh1tty writing.”  The advantage, I suppose, of being horrible – you can disguise plot points with layer upon layer of stupidity until the viewer just doesn’t care anymore.

Featuring a sliding-door walk-in police department.

Alternate Title: ‘Invasion Of The Mouth-To-Mouth Flattened Mutant Corndogs’

Grade: F-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Kitten With A Whip (1994)

Well-meaning, honest politician with lots of integrity who is totally faithful to his wife is taken advantage of by conniving young vixen and her rowdy non-voting friends.

Co-funded by all male politicians everywhere.  (That one’s for you, MM).

kitten jokes
overacting by AM
philosophical rebel leader
Mike’s come-hither look
pretty good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Oh, GREAT…we can’t have nice arms!”

Grade: C+