Zombie Girl: The Movie (2008)

No idea how good ‘Pathogen’ is…that’s totally irrelevant, really.

This documentary of a 12-year-old girl’s two-year-long quest to make a movie is fairly informative, quite amusing, thoroughly positive and quite uplifting, the last two of which are the most refreshing/surprising considering it’s a zombie movie.  Kids have certainly changed, as they do every generation, but for what it’s worth this shows that not all modern teens focus most of their energy on making fun of bus monitors and waiting for the momentous day when they can finally drop out of school.

Inspirational Quote: “You…die right there…where do you wanna die?”

Grade: B

7/1/12: Slight overreaction after the unfortunate experience that is ‘Battle Royale’.  Grade: B-

Battle Royale (2000)

The only value this has, if it has any, is as inspiration/rip-off fodder for a lot of similar films since, all of which (that I’ve seen, at least…and all that I care to see, I am certain) are better.

I mean, what are people seeing in this that they call it a classic?  Or that they ban it?  It’s about as offensive as ‘Godzilla Vs. The Sea Monster’ (in terms of cheezy stupidity and laughability quotient) or, if you wanted to be extremely charitable, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…only it’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Hobo’ because the intent here was to make a meaningful, provocative film. 

Great intent, really…fascinating “idea”…but this succeeds about as much as ‘The Last Man On Earth’ did, which is sad given that this was made AFTER people (I thought) came to expect good acting in EVERY movie, including horror flicks.  I mean, it’s so HOKEY…it’s so completely and utterly shallow you might as well just read the script and imagine it, because there’s ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you can imagine anything WORSE than this realization of the concept.  Abysmal.

Grade: F-

Seeking Guest Commentators

Looking for one or more people to offer opinions on my opinions. 

Most specifically, music and movie reviews.

Requirements: Willingness to speak your mind, Courtesy to me if not to any opinion/piece of work you may sarcastically savage and/or praise, Good spelling, Fluent in sarcasm, and not irrepressibly drab and awful.

Applicants may post as they see fit.  If it’s approved, you’re in.  If it’s not, try again.  If it never is, give up.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Question of the Day

Really, I’m curious…

When was the last time Miley Cyrus was in the “news” for anything other than bending over and showing her crack or “accidentally” showing off her (well, sort of) boobs?

And what is Billy Ray gonna do for money now that he can’t pimp out his daughter?

And when will people stop reading sh1t articles about no-talent white trash idiots so that they’ll stop writing them?

-Puppy >.< Yip!

REAL “Sensitive”…Beautiful Imagery, Beautiful Wonder…No BS.

Please…don’t reply to this pointing out the scientific inconsistencies and impossibilities.
I LIKE my sense of wonder.

“The windows open
and the little girl dreams
The sky’s her playground
as she mounts her steed
Across the heavens
to the other side
On wings of magic
does the little girl ride.

The baby creatures
run in from the cold
Back to the nest
just like the days of old
There in the safety
of a mother’s arms
The warmth of ages,
far away from harm again.”

– Neil Young, “War of Man”


*Diane* “You didn’t read this, did you?”
*Sam* “Didn’t have to, I lived it.”
*Diane* “Sit down…”
*Sam* *Sits, smiling*
*Diane* “Trevor is the image of the arrested adolescent.  Entirely self-oriented.  Still intimidated by the women around him and attempting to prove himself superior to them.  Through sexual conquest he can, for a time, quell his constant feelings of inferiority and failure.  Indeed the idea of a non-sexual relationship is completely foreign to him.  As the years pass, and his physical attractiveness diminishes, he’ll be doomed to a life of loneliness, and despair, unable to give or receive love.”
*Sam* *Looking down slightly, not smiling*

Waterworld (1995)

Comparisons to the ‘Mad Max’ movies, besides being altogether too easy, are inaccurate.  Or at least imprecise.  Those movies were, at their best, what this is at its worst/cheeziest.

This doesn’t just add a layer of water to ‘Max”s post-“apocalyptic” sludge, it adds layers of decent acting, a (mostly) non-laughable script (the last-second rescue scene tests the limits of the imagination), real characters (well, at least a few) and a plot.

Not the amazing vision Costner wanted it to be (besides ‘Dances With Wolves’, is it ever?), but not the embarassing failure some people dismiss it as.  It’s a decent, well-done action flick.  Suspend your disbelief, don’t be too much of a science geek for 2+ hours, and you just might enjoy yourself.

Look for: “I’m king of the world!!!”

Inspirational Exchange:
:Hopper: “What is it then, huh?  It’s the map.”
:Costner: “She’s my friend.”
:Hopper: “Golly gee a single tear runs down my cheek *vis* I mean you’re gonna die for your friend…”
:Costner: “If it comes to that.”

:Hopper: “…I don’t think you’re gonna drop that torch, m’friend…”
:Costner: “Why not?”
:Hopper: *In a calming voice* “Because you’re not crazy.”

Grade: B-

It’s Not Goth Til The Fat Lady Wears Black

That was a joke.  Again, I’m not making fun of overweight people.  I mean, I’m overweight and ugly.

“The Appeal of Graveyards – A Study of Gothic Subculture”
Direct quote from a goth subculture website-
It is a convenient place, when warm enough outside, to go talk, drink, socialize, party, make out, and so forth.

Party and make out in a graveyard?  Really?  Do you dance on the tombstones like Trash from ‘Return’ or do you just drop your empty absinthe containers on the topsoil?

Show a little respect for the dead, huh?

“Fcken goths…” – Adapted from R. DeNiro

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Hobo With A Shotgun (2011)

This is a rarity.

As completely, amazingly, and unwaveringly awful and tasteless movies go, this is a complete…success?  It keeps on suckin’ right to the end.

Most of these type of movies actually make the mistake of trying to slip in a random bit of intelligence or sentimentality or sense or character development or humor at at least one point in the film…but this resists all those urges throughout.

As Joel Hodgson said of ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ this movie was “filmed on location in a vacant lot.”

Suggestion for sequel: ‘Hobo With A Shotgun 2: Double-Barrelled’

Inspirational Job: Lawn-mowing

Grade: I can’t grade this…it’s a complete success at being a stinking pile of cr@p.  Make up your own grade based on your taste for stinking piles of cr@p.

Same-Day Edit: Must…give…grade…so I’ll give this the same grade I’d give a completely successful attempt at making a garbage movie.  ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’, for example, or ‘Fight Club’.
Grade: C

The Butcher (2005)

You know how, sometimes, just a few minutes into a movie you’ll know it’s going to be good?

And how, some other times, you really can’t tell for a while?

And then, some other times, you get 30 seconds in and realize that to sit through the pathetic sh1t-for-brains attempt at filmmaking it surely is would be not only a waste of your time but an insult to your intelligence?

Grade: F-

Nirvana: Nevermind (2005)

It’s a must-see for Nirvana fans…if you’re not a Nirvana fan, don’t bother.  I am.

Some of the commentary is redundant/irrelevant/boring.  And Courtney Love’s name in the credits is a lowlight.

But Butch Vig’s commentary about the making, actually showing/explaining how different tracks were made/mixed makes it worth watching.  And by definition the soundtrack is good.

Inspirational Quote:  “I don’t think it was cynical, and you know the media had it all like “cynical grungy despair uhhh” but it wasn’t, it was like a shot of life.”

Grade: A-

8/3/12: Sure, it’s worth watching.  But it’s flawed enough that you could get by without.  Grade: B

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: B-

Donnie Darko (2001)

I find it kinda funny.

I find it kinda sad.

I find it kinda moving.

I find it kinda weird.

I find it kinda dull and pretentious when it goes for social commentary.

I find it kinda laughable that it is actually seriously analyzed by the cult surrounding it.

Grade: B


Here’s why Donnie Darko’s “explanation” sucks:

It takes a great idea, great emotion; gut-wrenching perhaps for some…and throws it away on some nonsense time-sh1t cr@p.

How about the simple (and believable, and metaphysical, and EMOTIONAL) explanation of Darko’s visions as this: In the moment right before the “end” (in the beginning) he is asleep. In that moment, right before the event, he experiences a dream that lasts a moment but seems to last a month, everything finally coalescing – just as soon, time-wise, as it started – right before he wakes up and realizes it was a dream. And in that moment, EVERYTHING happens and comes together, and EVERYONE is faintly touched by the sheer power of the dream and emotion within, so powerful that it intrudes slightly into reality in a way people can’t quite explain. And they never will…THAT, is tragically beautiful.

If you’re going for emotion and mystical and metaphysical and…pick 20 more adjectives that apply…and this movie ABSOLUTELY is…it makes a HELL of a lot more sense to make the MEANING, the EXPLANATION be of the same nature as the actual movie. Or, to quote a wise man on the “explanation”: “What a load of cr@p!”

Thank God for subjectivity.

Nevertheless, because of the emotional (and despite the sh1t plot) potential, I feel I should add this:

Quote on ‘Donnie Darko’: (This applies to ‘Lo’. It could certainly apply to this as well.)

“it could take you to a deeply emotional place lying dormant in your soul.”

Grade: B+

I love Denzel

Eli: It doesn’t have to make sense.  It’s faith, it’s faith.  It’s the flower of light in the field of darkness that’s giving me the strength to carry on.  You understand?
Solara: Is that from your book?
Eli: No, it’s, uh, Johnny Cash, ‘Live at Folsom Prison’.

– The Book Of Eli

Puppy (2005)

Come on, I HAD to watch it…

If I were to take a Psychology 101 swing at it, I’d say the director has a LOT of issues with rejection and women in general.  Or maybe he’s just weird.  Cuz this is.  It’s also amateurish.

But despite all this, there’s a certain sly intelligence running just under the surface as well as enough of a level of interest and the unexpected to allow me to have a guest review, courtesy of Spock-


Grade: B-

5/3/14: Portions are fascinating.  Others, not so much.  Grade: C+

Drugstore Cowboy (1989)

It was a lot more disturbing the first time I saw it.  That was maybe 20 years ago.

Is that because it’s dated, because it takes a lot more to make a disturbing movie nowadays since things have gone more and more to sh1t in the world, or because I was just a kid then?

Probably a little of 2 and 3.  It’s not really dated…

It’s just really sad that 2 is applicable.

It’s certainly bleak and since it’s based off an autobiography I won’t question the “reality” of it.  But it won’t convert anyone from either side to the other, and it has absolutely no light moments.

As Dillon’s character might have said of it, it’s a real bummer.

Grade: B-

Creepshow 2 (1987)

‘George A. Romero’s ‘Stephen King’s Even Worse Leftovers”

Notable only as a then-rare source for a horny, virginal 13-year-old boy to see a bare breast, even if it did belong to a woman named Jeremy and only briefly before she was consumed.  In my day, we didn’t have the “internet”…we had to watch sh1t movies like this and hope for a boob shot.  Get over it, I was 13.  Upped a notch for nostalgia.

Grade: D-

Creepshow (1982)


Or, ‘George A. Romero’s ‘Stephen King’s Leftovers”

Only “They’re Creeping Up On You!” is creepy.

Grade: D-

12/5/12: It’s not good, but I admit I do enjoy parts in a cheezy, nostalgic sort of way.  Grade: D

9/13/23: Upon further review, ‘Creepshow 2’ still sucks, but I havta admit I kinda enjoy ‘The Crate’ as well as ‘They’re Creeping Up On You!’. Nice Carpenter references. And very “creepy”. And the last one (‘Creeping’) is even creepier. Skip the rest. Grade: C-