No Country For Old Men (2007)

Interesting weapon by the bad guy…my take is that he views other humans as nothing more than animals for slaughter. Then again, I think I read that take on it before I watched the entire movie.

Very slow and steady, even in the “action” parts. The mood, I mean…it’s that slow, inevitable, no-rush mood.

Bad guy = Much less sympathetic Two-Face decision making.

Talk about your cold-blooded insane scumbags. LOSE, please, LOSE!

I find some of the dialogue boring and just…odd.

Lots of far-too-long pauses. Establishing a mood, I guess…but it’s not really an enjoyable mood.

If you like impromptu financial wheeling-and-dealing, this is definitely the movie for you. *JOKE*

Some interesting battle-of-wits parts, made interesting in part because they’re not one-sided.

Love the bit of chaos near the ending, showing that you should never be cocky, no matter what.

Driving the entire movie, when you come down to it (methods and means and morals and amorals aside), is money.

Pathetic.

I “respect” this movie, in a way, a lot more than I enjoy it.

The very ending…is where both come together. A little slice of beauty.

Inspirational Quote: “I could see the horn from the light inside of it, about the color of the moon…he was fixin’ to make a fire out there somewhere out there in all that dark and all that cold…I knew that whenever I got there he’d be there. Then I woke up.”

Grade: C

Ransom (1996)

Sorry, but it’s not drama. It’s melodrama.

It’s a “thriller” by Ron Howard.

He’s just out of his league, man.

Mel Gibson’s character goes unhinged (for a good reason).

I mean, this isn’t any $70,000 bullsh1t.

This must be the prequel, where the ante’s WAY upped but there’s an actual reason (beyond Greed).

Pathetic. The Greed one, that is.

P.S. – My website makes no money, I am purely a free unprofessional critic.

1:09:35 – Things get interesting. But how could they NOT, given the subject and the twist?

Still just a Ron Howard film though.

I *hate* melodrama. I really do…can’t you feel it? From me, not the movie.

Because they try to pull on heart-strings that shouldn’t need pulling, rendering the entire genre less dependable.

1:38:35 – You’ve gotta be FCKEN kidding me…

Mr. A. Bayan was unavailable for comment.

Inspirational Quote: “He’s coming on like a stark raving mad lunatic.”

Grade: F

Spartacus (1960)

…and everywhere the sounds and smells of men enjoying themselves.

Homo-erotic overtones, certainly, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Just sayin’.

It’s…hard to review.

At times it approaches cloying, laughable sentimentality. At other times, it’s interesting and engaging. Moving, even.

Great performance by Kirk Douglas.

The sleazy slave owner I find quite good, as well.

Play “Spot the inept fool scumbag leader”…is that intentional, or bad acting? *shrug*

Around 35 minutes in I found myself looking forward to the rest of the 3:17. I guess only a fool doubts Stanley Kubrick.

I’ve seen so many things that are falsely or badly or overly dramatic (Thanks, MST3K) that it’s difficult to separate the good from the bad in these situations.

Did ‘Gladiator’ steal the “Entertained!” moment from this?? (You’ll know it when you see it: YOU make the call!)

From 19-bleepin’-60 and I find it MOVING??? Wow…there is hope.

A bit too…obvious at points. Simplistic. But sometimes things *are* simple.

A bit pretentious at times. Oh well…then better…

Hmmmm…

Ok, it’s not perfect. But it’s a somewhat flawed work that’s definitely worth watching.

I certainly love the message.

Inspirational Quote: “I do know that we’re brothers. And I know that we’re free.”

Grade: B+

RiffTrax – Just Awful

It is, yes.

The first notable part is a childhood recreation of a ‘Body Snatchers’ simultaneous-group-reaction.

Telepathy can be really disturbing.

Lags after a promising opening. Tick, tock…tick, tock…tick, tock…

I don’t remember how I thought at that age…would it actually have seemed serious to view this or just creepy/silly?

Inspirational Quote: “So, you wanna mix blood?”

Grade: C

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 266)

I’m sure someone has already thought of this, because it’s so simple it’s BRILLIANT…but, just in case…

Do you enjoy tortilla chips dipped in yummy salsa? Of course you do, what sane person wouldn’t?

But consider this…

Every time you want an enjoyable bite, you have to reach into the bowl/bag/whatever of tortilla chips, then dip in said dipping sauce, inevitably getting salsa on your fingers. And we can’t have that, can we?

So…do what *I* do…

Pour a generous helping of tortilla chips into a bowl. THEN, cover with a good amount of salsa topping. Let sit for a while, then eat with a spoon. The chips will be softer without being soggy, you won’t get any salsa on your fingers, and it will be delicious.

You’re welcome.

Masters Of Horror: Pro-Life (2006)

Nice panning intro, showing natural “life”.

A couple almost hits a young woman, who seems to be running away from someone/something.

They bring her to a nearby “Women’s Clinic”.

Interesting subject that at least at first seems pretty well-written.

Things quickly escalate in the (very controversial) fight over (what constitutes) life that ends up costing lots of life.

The horror movie part begins about halfway through, either via insanity or an evil monster.

The story puts the abortion debate to an extreme scenario featuring something potentially monstrous as “life”.

Featuring Ron Perlman doing a pretty convincing job.

37:34 – Wow, that’s a lot of water.

Gets VERY disturbing as it gets closer and closer to the climax. And the climax isn’t totally obvious.

Ewww…yikes…

Ok, yes, the climax was what I expected, but it *could have* been something else.

The post-climax pre-ending is (not haha) funny considering Ron Perlman is involved.

I like the ending.

All in all, it has its down moments, but it’s a pretty good one.

Grade: C+

Castle Freak (1995)

We get to see Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton really stretch their wings as legitimate actors here.

D@mn. That was a failure.

WTF is Stuart Gordon’s problem with cats?

This is a really bad movie. If you like Jeffrey Combs and/or cheeze a whole lot, you might get a kick out of it. Or at least some mild enjoyment.

Otherwise it’s a waste of time.

Inspirational Quote: “My God…this mirror broke!…maybe there was a sudden change in temperature…”

Grade: F

Children Of The Living Dead (2001)

The two people involved in this film that might draw you to it (John A. Russo and Tom Savini) see it as a complete and total POS, so don’t be drawn by them.

Savini’s poorly-acted character acts like a dumba$$ in terms of danger recognition, allowing him to perform some incredibly lame “stunts”.

Russo supposedly wanted to quit multiple times but didn’t want to make the others lose a few months’ work.

Horrible script, acting, directing, and dubbing. A pleasure to mock.

20:34 – Really pathetic action sequence.

The actors sometimes seem to be just waiting to spew out their next line(s), to either get it over with or to make sure they don’t fck it up.

Horrible.

Grade: F

Samurai Cop (1991)

Chuckleworthy from the time you first see the “Samurai” star and his cap/hair combo.

Great silly-reaction faces by the Eddie Murphy wanna-be partner throughout. And he tends to look at the camera, as if to make sure everyone saw that he was doing his best Eddie Murphy. But I’ve seen Axel F. I’ve enjoyed Axel F. Guy in this film, you’re no Axel F.

Consistently horrible, all the way through. Directing, acting, continuity, “Sexy” dialogue, non-sexy dialogue, foley, voiceovers, “action”, bad synth, gruff police sergeant trope…it’s all there, and it all sucks.

The wearing-as-tiny-stuff-as-possible implied sex scene is so incredibly unsexy it might put you off sex for a bit.

Horrendous, awful fun if you’re in the mood…an hour and a half of torture if you’re not.

Inspirational Quote: “…shoot!…shoot him!…shoot!…shoot him!…shoot! shoot him! ya got him!”

Grade: F-

The Farm (2018)

Intro spoiler: You don’t actually get to see her pee.

Inane travel dialogue 101.

There’s some SCARY, FOREBODING music that swells repeatedly as the dialogue and acting remain sh1tty/laughable.

The characters encountered that are presumably meant to explicitly foreshadow dirty deeds and suspense and horror and all that fun stuff instead foreshadow a sh1tty, laughable movie.

The diner scene reminded me slightly of ‘Birdemic’, though I won’t say it’s quite as bad as that.

An attempt to create a REALLY creepy guy succeeds, I suppose, though even then the dialogue and acting make it closer to comedic.

After about 24 and a half minutes of extreme sh1ttiness it does admittedly have a creepy scene. Let’s see if it can go anywhere…

Well, it does improve markedly when noone says anything.

The idea for the movie is really creepy, too bad it’s made SO badly.

Definitely some disturbing scenes, but since it’s not convincing it’s not particularly scary.

And if you like really demented, blood and guts type stuff, this movie insinuates more than shows.

You’re better off with hardcore Asian horror, which I despise; but hey, you might not.

The very ending isn’t all that bad. So like…skip to 1:12:00 after you’ve seen enough opening cr@p if you wanna see it.

Grade: F

Asylum (1972)

Like ‘Patient Seven’, sort of, except there are fewer patients and it’s much cheezier. And lots of really bad haircuts.

Patient One: Oh come on. More silly than scary.

Patient Two: Even sillier.

Patient Three: Ummmm…not as silly, tolerable…but cheezy FX.

Patient Four: Silly again.

And then…oh gawd. Well, it’s got a BIT of creepiness rising over the Sea of Cheeze. But…

Safely skip it.

Grade: F

The Dead (2010)

Opening: “It’s…”

Just another cr@ppy zombie flick.

Some “THRILLING” horror music around 24 minutes in that’s actually pretty “omg” eye-roll inducing.

Suggestion: Speed walking. Problem solved.

1:05:50 – A really EXCITING scene starts…
1:07:55 – Phew…thank God that’s over.

Useless.

Inspirational Quote From Another Movie: “They’re so slow…we could just walk right past ’em; we wouldn’t even have to run…”

Grade: F

The Stepdaughter (2000)

It stinks.

Hey, it’s got the Schofield Kid from ‘Unforgiven’. That’s very mildly interesting. But he kinda sucks here.

So it’s a woman that is seeking revenge for something in her past…and it gets dark and tries to get spooky/creepy.

Hey, nice corny passage-of-time montage around 55 minutes in.

If you like thrillers that aren’t particularly thrilling cuz they’re TV movie sh1t (and don’t have gratuitous nudity, D@MN) then this will really fit the bill.

Grade: F

Dagon (2001)

Cool intro.

Two people seeking help near where their ship has struck a rock find the people on shore extremely unusual, and it’s made quite visually clear that they have a very fishy aspect and don’t like visitors.

That’s right, a fishy requisite-t-t-t-t.

They also have a church dedicated to a being named Dagon who has taken over the regular church and demands human sacrifices.

So they sell their souls (or looks, at least) for ritual sacrifice and a whole barrel full of fish. Uh huh.

Nice statue-acting by the innkeeper.

Lots of atmosphere that quickly turns into a somewhat disturbing action-fest.

Some decent creepy FX.

A secondary encountered character provides some backstory for the whole fishy-cult thing.

The battle royale fight scene is kinda laughable.

And then there’s lots of cultists/lead character interactions.

The female who seems to be in charge of the cultists is intriguing, both to the lead and to me.

Lots of filler, though.

Grade: D

Black Mirror – Episode 15 (Arkangel)

There’s something oddly “off” (wrong, at least in the sense of unusual) with a little girl named Sara(h) from the very moment of her birth. This is shown in fairly harmless ways (brief delay in declaration of health at birth, a dog barking perhaps a bit too harshly from behind its fence…)
Then she disappears after being taken to a park, apparently wandering off…it fades and then ‘Arkangel’ office is loaded (white and grey, harmless and comforting and “secure”…) and she is taken to a chair…
Things get abruptly odd and creepy when a woman (acting as a Doctor?) loads a needle with something and injects it directly into the side of her head. Said WAAAD doing it seems a bit scared by the process, as if she knows what she’s doing but it still demands her *complete* focus and attention and/or is just an object worthy of fear in the “fear of God” or He’ll KILL YOU! sense.
Or maybe fear of caged aliens in ‘Alien Resurrection’ or they’ll KILL YOU? Anyhoo…
This contrasts with her cordial, nothing-to-it greeting voice and mannerisms right before, and (in recovering from the experience?) right after…
Turns out it was a really really high-tech, state-of-the-art tracking system of not just where Sara(h) is but HOW she is. The WAAAD seems fully back to normal as she explains this to the mother, and shows off the little laptop device that makes it work…doing so pleasantly, seeming friendly and fully back in control, displaying even how incredible/incredibly simple (in an amazingly-so way) the whole thing is; that it’s a wonder there was even the slightest hesitation in the first place…the complete comfort of one that is sure and is explaining facts, not offering theories.
And it’s…just…that…simple.
The woman shows how she can use the device to control the little girl’s perception; as cartoons that she was watching as the two women talked are changed to an image of a man in fatigues firing a machine gun, which is then turned into a very hazy image…of…a blurry object…firing…something like a machine gun. HUH? “It’s all optional.”
The mother, explaining to the girl’s grandfather: “It’s free…and it’s safe.” The grandfather is skeptical, and pines over the way it was “in MY day”. They seem better for a while after, though, and mother uses the haze-out feature to turn the dog into a hazy figure that isn’t barking quite as much/loudly. Seems alright, right?
PROBLEM: Grandfather has an apparent heart attack, but Sara(h) sees only a hazy blur and barely hears him speaking, so doesn’t realize the gravity of the situation (that’s implied, at least…it seems like she would even hazy. Hell, I would).
Mother is warned by the implant, and removes the haze, so he’s saved, but it reveals the dangers of shielding oneself fully from reality: denying reality.
Time lapse done via swing set, back and forth, over and over…and…ADVANCE. Artsy craftsy.
Guess: (shown a little before guess) The avoidance of painful reality, the “ignoring it and it will go away” approach that worked to a certain extent when she was a toddler whose mother ALWAYS kept a watch on her, becomes more and more dangerous as she grows up and her mother worries less and less…
Guess again: (again a little before my guess) The prevention of her seeing reality eventually frustrates Sara(h) to the point of (typical and normal) adolescent rebellion…she goes out of her way to see everything, even bad.
In a nod (that I didn’t get until an Eval) to the company (‘Arkangel’) that started this whole mess, it’s revealed that they were eventually banned, but that the implants aren’t very outgoing.
So the mother has two choices: Keep it on and the daughter will get more and more frustrated, or turn it off and the daughter will face life “on her own”. That’s two opposite things, I guess (before I watch): FREEEEEDOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! and Oh FCK I’m scared :(
She sees a boy that mocked her before (and inspired her to poke her finger with a sharp pencil to see blood) and he’s on the schoolyard, with a bloody lip. She’s never seen one before, and we’re faced with the quick mental-guess choice: Is she fascinated by this and becomes his friend, seeing pain and wanting to help, and things are nice and sweet and happy…or NOT of course this is bleepin’ Black Mirror!
So cut to him introducing her to porn: “This is porn…”, etc…ahhh…I was worried for a second there. And then, graphic and disgusting violence (all implied, the back of the tablet is to us, just lots of foley)…quick montage, she eventually gets more and more used to (the bad parts of) reality, done via her walking past the dog over and over, more and more comfortably, more and more naturally, with less and less fear…more like a “normal” person would (?)
Question: Will this lead her TOO far in the other direction? Not afraid of things she SHOULD be afraid of? My guess (before unpausing) is Yes. But not a simple yes, this is fcken Black Mirror!
The boy that is now a young man asks her to go somewhere in a van…gee I wonder if she’ll say yes.
It’s implied that it should be scary. I’m scared for her. But she doesn’t seem scared. Is she just NOT scared? Or is she rebelling, STILL, against safe ignorance?
TIME LEFT: 25:07 – What happens? Well, this is Black Mirror…but…this is Black Mirror.
Don’t be afraid.
She gets more and more “normal”, I suppose. Ummm…I’m not a good judge of normal, and to me normal is bad. So let’s say she gets more and more…curious. And…ummmm…what is the word…
Typical.
The sign on the door of the chainlink fence, FOR SALE…now that’s gotta be the “dog house”, and an obvious sign of the passage of time, and/or change, and/or an ending, and/or something unstoppable (eventually, at least, all things…well…almost all things come to an end). I sigh with relief, myself, at my exceptions.
Note: A ‘TUSK’ poster on her wall, and her boyfriend looks like the guy from ‘Tusk’ the movie. Relevance? *shrug*.
11:10-10:51 left: A Boxed Set Of Lessons Learned.
A twist at the end seems gratuitous, an easy way to have a “controversial” and “powerful” ending.
Decent, I suppose, as those things normally go. But not worthy of BM.
A second twist seems quite the opposite.
Love and Hate.
Loss.

Inspirational Quote: “Come on, I just wanna see…Pleeeaaase?”

Pickman’s Model (2018 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

I like the narrator’s adaptation: Ian Gordon, who does a whole lot of these for HorrorBabble, has a great voice for it and some really good technique.

In this particular “reading”, he speaks as a narrator that is actually speaking to *you*, about what he (the character himself) knows.

There are also some sound FX in the background as he “tells his story” to – literally – *you*, which I find an enjoyable and unusual contrast to the story itself.

But enough of this gay banter.

Gordon is a decent voice actor as well as someone with a naturally gifted-for-this-sort-of-story voice, at least in this audiobook.

An interesting short horror story to relax to with a nice cup of tea.

After about a nine and a half minute intro as described above, the story switches to being the titular Pickman himself talking to the narrator, offering to show him some rather “strong” works of art that he has come up with in privacy…works deemed a bit TOO strong for the “common man”.

Then it switches back to the narrator, who seems to be a bit disturbed by his own story, and “puts the kettle on” before resuming his story to the visitor. That would be you, again.

He begins to describe the pictures that he sees when he first arrives at Pickman’s secret location: not-quite-human, hideous figures with faces terrible to behold.

He is ushered into the next room of Pickman’s “works”, and actually screams at what he sees on the walls.

The narrator pauses in his narration as he himself becomes more and more disturbed and scared by his own tales as he describes himself as HAVING been at seeing the horrific art.

The slowly-getting-worse effect is a bit boring, but I think that’s because it’s so common for Lovecraft.

The narrator talks about screaming again as the WORST, most HORRIBLE portrait is revealed by Pickman…a portrait he sees as so close to reality so as to BE reality.

Pickman himself, then, appears afraid as well as the narrator as he seems to hear something scary…he tries to dismiss it, though, and summarily ends the “tour” as if things are just fine.

That was the last time the narrator ever heard of Pickman.

He reveals that he took a photograph that had supposedly been one that Pickman had taken of a background from which to work on his next painting, but discovers – he reveals to you – that it was in fact a picture of that last room itself, and of a hideous being that was being painted, from reality itself.

Good, solid story. And you havta love the ending.

Grade: B+

The Unnamable (2021 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

While sitting on a tomb in a burial ground (for some reason), the narrator is mocked by a friend for his “illogical” and “superstitious” beliefs, which arouses anger in said narrator.

They discuss “The Unnamable”, which of course isn’t named.

The narrator makes (what he considers) an intelligent, logical argument for the existence of things beyond the bounds of human perception/conception/imagination both in physical and spiritual form.

In making this argument, he cites quite a few “sources”.

It’s a pretty boring discussion, really…at least by two-thirds of the way through.

Why? Because it’s SO common for a Lovecraft story, an argument that hints at “unnamable”/”indescribable”/etc… things at GREAT length without the buildup building up to anything.

After about 16 minutes in, it starts to hint at some kind of…action. Resolution. ANYTHING.

Then, when it’s almost done, a whole sh1tload of things just HAPPEN. Maybe. Kind of.

I mean, if this was the first work of an unknown writer, my interest would be piqued.

But it’s just SO redundant of so many Lovecraft tales that have almost exactly the same formula. Lots of buildup, lots of wordiness, lots of uncertainty, more buildup, and then things happen – or maybe they don’t – and it becomes a matter of “Was it real, or Memorex?”

When he does it right, he can make it unusual and creepy enough to be impressive and enjoyable.

What he DOESN’T, it turns out like this: A competent but colossal waste of time.

I mean, the story is basically just a textbook of “How to write an H.P. Lovecraft story”. All competence, no inspiration.

Like a segment from the Monty Python Flying Circus ‘How To Do It’ sketch. Thanks, H.P., GREAT idea!

And I LIKE him, at least in theory.

Grade: D-

The Hound (2023 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

First-person narrator is revealed as a disgusting, horrible person pretty much right from the start.

Interesting from the beginning, reminiscent in some ways of ‘Herbert West-Reanimator’, which preceded its original publishing.

No “resurrection” here, though…strict grave-robbing, though the narrator may be offended by such a slight.

The original publishing contains the first mention of H.P. Lovecraft’s famous fictional novel, the ‘Necronomicon’.

Two men have a self-made “museum” of dug-up corpses, and are troubled by the recurring baying of a hound when they add an amulet discovered in one of their “adventures” to it.

Eventually, one is torn to pieces, apparently by some sort of flying dark thing only barely seen by his companion as he comes to the site of the killing.

The remaining man hears the faint baying of some unknown hound after burying his companion, terrifying him into leaving his home (with the amulet, destroying the rest of his treasures).

Despite this, he hears and “feels” what he believes is the Hound stalking him.

He attempts to return the amulet to the grave from whence he found it to avoid being killed next, but on his way there the amulet is stolen from him.

Travelling finally to the grave, he digs desperately at it in an attempt to somehow “placate” whatever force he had disturbed/violated in his grave robbing.

When he digs down to the old coffin, however, he finds that things are not quite as he had anticipated/hoped.

It’s not very Lovecraftian, unfortunately. I mean, it’s creepy and disgusting, sure, but it’s more a monster movie (story) than a slow descent into insanity. A bit too plain for me.

Inspirational Quote: “…leering sentiently at me with phosphorescent sockets and sharp and sanguine fangs yawning twistedly in mockery at my inevitable doom.”

Grade: C-

Patient Seven (2016)

I was about to stop this several times until Patient Two (the Saran Wrap guy) started his flashback. Because, quite frankly, it was really generic and dull. Like a piece of hackwork done for money featuring one name actor (Michael Ironside) past his prime and needing the money.

Then it started getting at least a *bit* (and just a bit) interesting with the prim and proper (and unusually straightforward) murderer.

Patient Two: He and a dead body wrapped in Saran Wrap get into some darkly comic misadventures one Halloween night, as people he encounters of course don’t believe that his “costume” (‘American Psycho’ lite) is very real. His attitude remains prim and proper, answering as if “in character” as a serial killer rather easily cuz like…it’s real. I think it’s a brilliant premise but the movie doesn’t make much more than the bare minimum of it. A nice try though, and very good posture.

Patient Three: A zombie story. Yay, can’t get too many of those. Almost entirely generic…pretty sick twist the only object of interest.

Patient Four: Fairly interesting flashback story of a rather unusual friendship. Simple, and probably the best of them.

Patient Five: Absolutely brilliant/utterly laughable, if only for the Monty Python rip/recall. Oh, ummm…the story is about a little girl and a possible imaginary friend/demon/something that the girl’s older sister tries to dispel. She apparently succeeds, but shortly thereafter the demon comes back, and it seems like things are NOT as they SEEM. *shrug* Whatever.

Patient Six: Guy that believes in vampires. Flashback to murders. He looks vaguely like…someone. Meh.

Patient Seven: No, that would be telling. *shrug* Anyways it’s more mysterious for you this way. And in all fairness, I was more worried about writing seven reviews than guessing one ending.

Wait, it seems cliche now…

I have a terrible feeling of Deja Vu…

Wait, I have…I have a terrible feeling of Deja Vu, I-

That extraordinary feeling…hmmmm…quite extraordinary…

The whole thing’s got a fine sheen of smelly, money-hungry professionalism that really turns me off.

Here’s the thing: There are seven different mini-movies here, and many interconnecting segments. So none of the writers had to do much more than come up with one jump-scare, or one quirky twist, or one unexpected “ahhhhh…” revelation. I mean, that just encourages laziness.

Overall result, when you get through all the setup and BS: Very minor horror movie with some (few) high points.

Inspirational Quote: “Dealer; pimp; Chelsea fan. That’s three strikes right there.”

Grade: D

The Lazarus Effect (2015)

Mark Duplass, Creepy Re-Animator? I think not.

His character is actually a lot more like the father from Stephen King’s ‘Pet Sematary’ than Lovecraft’s demented lunatic.

Why? Because his intent is at least SOMEWHAT pro-life/pro-humanity/pro-love, admittedly twisted/skewed/somewhat blinded.

That doesn’t make his experiments acceptable, but it does make them a lot more understandable than Herbert West’s ghastly obsession-driven ones.

22:51 (and others) – Does Duplass have “lots of jump-scares” written into his contracts?

56:29 – Hello, Mary Lou.

The buildup is decent…it keeps your attention as things move closer and closer to the expected payoff and uncertain resolution.

But the idea isn’t fully realized, the characters seem uninspired at times, and the plot seems a bit strung together.

Actual length: About 1:17:30.

The ending is interesting if you both a) enjoyed ‘Pet Sematary’ and b) were craving ONE MORE jump-scare.

Grade: D+

Sublime

Sublime (1995)

Dunno why I didn’t review this before. I stumbled upon it accidentally (thank you, Lana).

I’m not a *huge* fan, but I remember it with at least mild fondness from my earlier days.

Lots of gentle head-nodding.

I’ve heard (well, read) it described as punk rock/ska/reggae, and I can’t do any better than that.

Worth a listen, certainly, if you never have.

(“Caress Me Down”, “What I Got (Reprise)”)

Grade: B-

Flyleaf

Flyleaf (2005)

Hey, whatever makes you feel fully alive.

I like the accelerated/unusual tempos on that song and some others; a bit out of the norm.

The lyrics seem meaningful and felt, which is…good.

But I don’t listen to songs for good lyrics if the music underneath them sucks.

That’s what reading or listening to an audiobook is for.

Interesting lyrics are like, a bonus. Moreso even if those lyrics were written by the band, which these were.

The overall sound is aggressively/loudly positive. It’s an unusual match, at least in my listening experience.

I just wish they had more hooks, when it comes down to it.

After the second listen, only two or three songs really stand out.

But the floor here is at least tolerable, and the ceiling is pretty good.

(“Fully Alive”, “Red Sam”)

Grade: C

Memento Mori (2009)

They (sorta kinda) had me then they lost me.

Grade: D-

The Nameless City (2023 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

It’s all build-up. And it’s not his best build-up.

Very wordy, with some good descriptions that H.P. seems to pull from nowhere with ease.

But…it’s all build-up.

A relative waste of time compared to some of his best work. ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’ may pull its description of forms tumbling upward toward reality from here, or may not. In either case, it’s better to watch/hear Linda Styles read it to you from Sutter Cane’s new book than listen to it here.

Perhaps a necessary short story to introduce the IQ and the Cthulhu mythos properly, but otherwise it’s fairly safe to skip it.

Inspirational Quote: “That is not dead which can eternal lie; and with strange eons even death may die.”

Grade: D

Santa Clarita Diet

– Wants/tries to be really clever.
– Not as clever as it tries to be.
– Gets annoying pretty fast.

Drew Barrymore has such a natural charm, such an adorable innocence…I mean, you KNOW she’s nice; she would be the last person you’d ever expect to do/say anything even slightly naughty. They milk that pretty well at least. The rest just sort of…exists.

Barrymore HERSELF seems like an adorable, naive flake. And here, she’s…an adorable, naive, flaky zombie. Perfect!

So laid back…I mean, even when she’s getting oral.

The rest of the show is barely tolerable given how hard it tries and how little it succeeds.

Episodes 2-5 (before I decided to stop): “Second verse, same as the first!”

Just watch episode 1 over and over again if you can’t get enough DB.

Inspirational Quote: “I feel like whatever I say is just gonna mean you push harder against my vagina.”

Grade: Incomplete

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 265)

It’s not a mental health thing. It’s not a depression thing. It’s not a pissed-off-at-the-world thing.

It’s real. The majority of people (not all, thankfully) are greedy, selfish a$$holes that do exactly as much as they can and want to and are only limited in action by fear and, as said John Doe, “consequences”.

It’s in those eyes of yours, though.

Herbert West-Reanimator (2024 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

It’s been too long…I had forgotten what a cool voice this guy has, especially with this sort of material.

Incredibly racist story, of course, considering the author. So if you can’t handle that, don’t listen.

Incredibly creepy, also, of course, considering the author. Same.

Interesting story that holds your interest; at least, holds my interest…somewhat less so after the middle, unfortunately.

If you want to be suitably, ummm…”impressed”…listen to this after listening to/watching/etc… nothing at all creepy/sinister.

There’s a bit of wholly unnecessary repetition/”story so far” about halfway in.

And, after that, it sort of lulls (in an admittedly disgusting and horrible way).

West gets more and more horrible as this goes: not simply insane and/or perverse, but actually an object of true Evil self-indulgence.

Creepy before the ending, and creepy at the end…but I don’t think it quite fulfills its promise of the beginning as much as it could; more degenerating into a disgusting and much less intellectual gross-fest.

In any case, not for the faint of heart.

So here’s the deal: it starts off well, nice little intro, builds up in creepiness until it gets to a certain (good) level and maintains that for a while. Then, around the middle, it sums up needlessly and over-wordy (as opposed to otherworldly) “The Show So Far”. THEN, it continues on…but it doesn’t really build more on what it’s already said. It just stalls there, as if it doesn’t know where to go; as if all the insinuation and creeping darkness have been put out there, with no satisfying/gripping climax to continue to move towards. It trades in otherworldly/steadily creeeeeeping/buildupBuildupBUILDUP for static grossness. It can’t even maintain that, as it degenerates into the purely silly in an effort to keep going well after the worthwhile is done.

This should have been about half as long. If it WAS, it would have been great.

Grade: C+

American Zombieland (2020)

Well, it certainly makes me feel a bit butter (err better) about myself.

It’s gross in a fairly-clever-but-I-refuse-to-say-“well”-written sort of way til about 23 minutes in; then the zombie-ish-ness starts.

Is it a satire on people in general as being pretty nasty? As fighting their own kind, which not even fcken ZOMBIES do?

Or is it a guy making a movie about fat guys running and then gross sight/sound gags (major fart quotient) before the obligatory zombies?

Dunno. But I did actually sort of enjoy it, for whatever the hell it is.

Checking in at:
35:40 – ok…
47:45 – Yeah baby! Now there’s a title confusion for ya! (still fairly clever).
1:03:19 – mmmhmm.
1:14:44 – ok…
1:16:31 – gratuitous nudity!
Ending – weak.

Oh God it hurts. But still…

Inspirational Quote: “The truth is, your movie is a steaming pile of sh1t nuggets, with the production value of a home video shot by a deaf, blind amputee that is drunk on cheap gin. Please consider quitting filmmaking altogether.”

Grade: D+

The Dark Knight (2008)

I have no love for Christian Bale’s acting, and that is a major impediment in beginning to actually CARE while watching this. Meh.

The action scenes are good right from the start, on the other hand. I mean, literally, it ZOOMS into action. Impressive.

It certainly is dark…not for the faint of heart if you want the good guy to always win. Harsh.

LOTS of cool action scenes/explosions, actually…it just doesn’t let up. Very impressive FX.

Full of sound and fury, certainly. And not insignificant.

It certainly aroused some fury in me, but even more at Bateman’s gelding-snipped Batman than Ledger’s very-well-performed Joker.

The Joker’s arguments are, of course, bullsh1t. Anarchy sucks. But to be able to make me even THINK about them is an achievement.

If you find it slow, hang in there…it’s better nearer the end. And even better better nearer nearer the end. And…the end.

Now, to philosophize:

– NO HURT DOGGIES!!!

– I don’t find Batman’s “one rule” heroic or noble. I find it cowardly; the last bastion of one who is unable to put what SHOULD really matter first above all else.

– If someone threatened the lives of those *I* love, I wouldn’t kill them either. I would make the SLOTH “victim” from the movie ‘Seven’ look infinitely merciful in comparison. (Perhaps paraphrasing myself).

“I’ll give you a blood transfusion just to keep you alive.” (Perhaps paraphrasing K. Kristofferson).

I have to say, I was moved. Was it my mood? Certainly part of it…but I have to appreciate the quality in any case.

Inspirational Quote: “Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.”

Grade: B+

The Night Eats The World (2018)

So fcken SLOW to start, with nothing at all to indicate it will be anything but generic cr@p.

It does get a little interesting after a bit, though…the silent zombie screams are cool.

This movie dares to be boring, no doubt; but by about 31 minutes in I actually WANTED to keep watching.

42:26 – ’28 Days Later’ ripoff.

Sort of like ’28 Days Later’, actually, except that the intro-and-subsequent-solo-guy-plus-infected/zombies-only interaction goes on ’til about 1:02:15.

Hmmmmm…’Cast Away’ vibes? He does have a Wilson-ish partner.

He’s pretty good, actually. It’s KIND OF different, that’s gotta be worth SOMETHING by now with zombie movies.

Definitely interesting near the ending, with a pretty cool metaphor.

1:15:40 – END: Pay close attention.

This one actually makes you think, the “caged” metaphor being only the most obvious of them.

By the end, I’m surprised…pretty good stuff. Give it a shot if you have any interest in this genre.

I’d like to give it a higher grade, I really would…but there’s just too much dull, filler-type buildup.

Cut this down to an hour or so, it’s a B+.

That’s necessary filler/minor hint of things to come/necessary filler/minor hint of things to come/etc…/10 minute ending montage.

Grade: B-

Lots And Lots Of Stuff That I’ll Never Review

“While it’s well known that as one gets older, one tends to find changes in the world at large unsettling, confusing, f@cking irritating, a REBUKE TO ONE’S VERY EXISTENCE…it’s generally not a good idea to make a career out of saying so.”

– Greil Marcus

I have a terrible feeling of Deja Vu…

Natalie Gold – First Time Watching – 28 Days Later (2002) Movie Reaction

Really like this movie, so thought I’d give it an NG-slant try.

Lots of cursing, lots of naked-Cillian comments, lots of crying, laughing/excitement.

Three out of four = Per usual.

I think she over-analyzes the whole thing in the approximately 13 minutes at the end, which I found pretty dull.

If you haven’t seen this movie already, watch it (and NOT this).

If you HAVE seen this movie already, and don’t have a really emotional movie-watching friend to share it with, maybe give it a shot.

Overall, I don’t think I’ll come back to NG for a while…there are so many more options.

Grade: D

Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Quentin Tarantino uses his undisputed talent to make good movies, and then makes them worse with his dumb-a$$, stupid, laughable, dull, and/or annoying self-indulgences.

This is the best (worst) example thus far.

Why does he do it? Because he’s Quentin *bleepin* Tarantino, that’s why.

Lots of good scenes, lots of unnecessary cr@p.

Chapter One:

I don’t find the pipe funny, just absurd for the sake of it.

Christoph Waltz does a very good job being absurd at the same time as believable…the pipe is merely absurd.

And, unlike assumed intent, it’s NOT funny. It’s just…stupid. As if Tarantino himself is daring you not to like it.

Well, good job Cutie.

Chapter Two:

The Hugo Stiglitz intro is…ridiculously absurd, not funny. It – and others like it – are like much of the last season of ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’ : absurdity without the humor. Which is just pitiful and annoying. And a waste of surrounding (good) material.

And so on, and so on…

Fair with partly sh1tty.

Grade: C

JeruZalem (2015)

Nice little intro. FX hinted at: (Limited but) fairly impressive.

It’s a found-footage film for the most part, and is at least convincing in that.

I like the little distractions that seem realistic and have nothing to do with the plot.

Decent callback around 1:13:30.

All that being said, it never REALLY gets “good”. It’s an object of (limited) interest.

Grade: D+