Birdemic: Shock And Terror (2010)

I couldn’t imagine a dumber opening, given the title of the “film”.

Main Street field, walking as a robot trying to be a human (Phantom Creeping), creepy waitress scene…

I’ve got a good idea of my grade, barring a miracle…now, to relax and enjoy with the occasional comment.

– A riveting response to Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”.
– FREEZE FRAME
– Imagine random out of place printouts
– The Clap
– Rotting Carcass
– Calm panning shots
– The Bird Blitz

Then it gets BAD.

Truly horrendous in every way.

A must-see.

Inspirational Quote: “Congratulations!”

Grade: F-

Pupdate – 11/26/24 (Boston Vs. New York – Sporting Events, An Unbelievably Anal Analysis (By Puppy))

Since publishing this post on 5/17/13, here is what’s happened in terms of championships:

NBA:

Celtics: 1 championship

Knicks/Nets: 0 championships
—
MLB:

Red Sox: 2 championships

Yankees/Mets: 0 championships
—
NHL:

Boston Bruins: 0 championships

Islanders/Rangers/Sabres: 0 championships
—
NFL:

Patriots: 3 championships

Bills/Giants/Jets: 0 championships

TOTAL:
Boston: 6 championships
New York: 0 championships
—
But hey, it’s just a game…chin up.

Hmmm…maybe we should forget about New York and go back to “BEAT L.A.!!!”, at least that’d be competitive.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 262 – Hackers)

Since I have my glorified blog backed up in several remote locations, you’d actually be doing me a favor (monetarily) by succeeding in destroying this site.

I mean…I’d just have to get a new hobby.

*shrug* You’re not doing very well, anyways.

Everything here is somewhere(s) remote, so have at it.

I just like taunting you.

– Puppy

Lana Del Rey

Born To Die: The Paradise Edition (2012)

What have I been missing out on all this time, all this music, all these years, all these artists dismissed/ignored?

Anything? Nothing?

I sorta wish/wished it was the latter.

But I can’t dismiss *this* album, at the least, and it indicates that maybe Greil Marcus was right about getting old.

Dreamy.

I think she wrote it all herself; if she was just a voice to someone else’s words and ideas I doubt I’d be impressed.

Dreamy…sad…

Do you know those times when you’re sad, forlorn, deeply moved, blown away, a single tear rolls down your cheek…for no reason?

She does.

And, thankfully, so do I.

Norman fcken great! I mean, in a way I hate this…now I have no choice but to catch up on a decade of music.

Not all dreams are revelatory, but these are all at least…pleasant. And no fcken nightmares.

Alba Gu Brath.
(“Video Games”, “Diet Mountain Dew”, “Dark Paradise”, “Body Electric”)

Grade: B+

Bonnie Tyler

Faster Than The Speed Of Night (1983)

Distinctive vocals, that’s for sure. But my overall displeasure at the musical results is just as distinct.

There’s one great female-Meatloaf-ian song (no, not the “I’d do anything for love…” one), but most of it is just embarrassing and/or head-shaking and giggle-producing.

And it’s covers plus hired songwriting; nothing from Ms. Tyler. I *hate* that.

“I’m livin’ in a powder keg and kickin’up sparks…” *blazingly defiant, energy coursing through me, shown in my eyes and crooked smile*

Mine’s better :P
(“Total Eclipse Of The Heart”)

Grade: D-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 258 – Humanity)

So the vast majority of people are greedy, selfish, insensitive a$$holes who act according to their own best interests.

And when this happens to coincide with acting good to someone else, that’s not really being “a good person”…it’s doing what makes you feel good.

If you happen to – for whatever reason, including simply just BEING BORN THAT WAY – gain enjoyment from being an incredibly nice person, you’re not any better than those that happen to – for whatever reason, including simply just BEING BORN THAT WAY – gain enjoyment in the inflicting of suffering upon others.

What matters, when it comes down to it, is what you truly believe…and what you do, REGARDLESS of how you feel.

If you believe in being Good not because it makes you feel good – though it does – but because you BELIEVE in it, and you BEHAVE that way, that’s truly Good.
And good for you.
If you believe in being Good despite how you feel – good or horrible, or anything in between – and you BEHAVE that way, that’s truly Good.
And, in a way, even more admirable and deserving of happiness.
And good for you.

If you don’t believe in sh1t, on the other hand…well, if you don’t believe in sh1t, but merely act “Good” in order to obtain desired reactions for yourself, then you’re not “bad”…but you’re not really “Good”…you’re a greedy, selfish, insensitive a$$hole.

And of course there are those that don’t believe in sh1t AND ACT THAT WAY…hideous monstrosities that delight in doing wrong. I’ve known SO, SO many of them.

It takes me by surprise when I meet a truly GOOD person…they’re very hard to find.

Please…BE ONE. And if you find another, treasure and appreciate them.

– Puppy

We Have Always Lived In The Castle (YouTube Audiobook Version Of 1962 Shirley Jackson Novel)

Shirley Jackson – if my experience so far is a good indication – has a knack for making anything creepy, be it actually creepy or not. That is to say, a lead-up to what you feel will be something dark and disturbing even from a relatively harmless introduction, e.g. ‘The Lottery’.

That is the case here to begin with, and it makes it much more pleasurable to know that she has this ability, at least, to deliver on such build-up.

It’s a competently written, slowly developing witchcraft/shared isolation story from the witches point of view instead of the ignorant revolting pheasants.

Unfortunately, this turns out to be a lot more build-up than pay-off. ‘The Lottery’ delivers much more in much less time.

I wouldn’t bother with the film version. I’m certainly not going to.

Upped a notch for competence.

Upped a notch for respecting agoraphobia.

Grade: D+

The Lottery (YouTube Audiobook of 1948 Short Story)

Part of what convinced me, in college, that English Lit was MUCH more interesting than anything to do with accounting.

Creepy as Hell, I think, on the level of ‘The Metamorphosis’ and ‘Born Of Man And Woman’.

It holds up for me in my middle age.

I wouldn’t say it’s “great”…but it’s good.

And since it’s fairly short, a must-listen IMPO.

Inspirational Quote: “…they still remembered to use stones.”

Grade: B

Joker (2019)

A borderline-great movie. And I’m a d@mn harsh critic.

Basically it’s one man’s descent into madness…though to be fair there’s not *all* that much of a “descent” here…he’s pretty far gone not too far into the movie. It just gets more and more extreme, harder and harder to overlook.

Joaquin Phoenix is brilliant, which is no surprise, he’s a great actor. I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that he drew at least in part from painful life experiences to create Arthur Fleck.

It’s very well done. You can easily get lost in the despair that permeates the city/movie. Really fcken depressing, actually.

May profit from repeated viewings, if you wanted a better understanding. But I was too fcken depressed after one watch to plan for any more, and even now I wish – in a way – that it didn’t exist.

Misfortune leads to several incidents that aren’t Arthur’s fault…then again, those aren’t be-all excuses for everything he eventually does.

Visually disturbing and creepy. It’s difficult to know everything that is real and everything that is not.

NOT for the weak of heart. Scenes of graphic violence.

Gets a little slow at points. but I think (and will give the benefit of the doubt based on the rest) that this is intentional, in a way at least. Meaning, yes, here are some horrific and disgusting and terrifying things…and here’s something dull and slow as a real-life contrast. *shrug* Maybe, maybe not. In any case, I like my interpretation enough to enjoy it as such.

The vast majority of people are selfish, insensitive, rude a$$holes? I can’t really disagree with that.

Connection to ‘Are You Being Served?’ = Gary Glitter

Culmination near the end: Terrifying.

Inspirational Quote: “…you wouldn’t get it.”

Grade: A-

Subway Sub Shop – Maynard, Massachusetts

Yes, I’m reviewing a fast food restaurant.

Why? Well, the service was excellent and there was no hurrying involved, and you got plenty of what you wanted.

And I like rewarding good service, not just pointing out bad service.

Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki was loaded with…sweet onion chicken teriyaki. And toppings.

Cool stairs/tables, too. Ambiance is cool.

The person who served me is named Walter, I think he did a great job and you can quote me on that.

Nom nom nom.

Grade: A-

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

I’m just here for the shower scene, basically. (Around 1:04:15, if you’re interested).

But hey, I am an unprofessional critic, and so I will of course watch the whole thing (and review it, vis the words you’re reading now) in the spirit of FAIR USE: CRITICISM.

Hey, Michael Ironside younged pretty well.

Hahaha…I wonder if MST3K got the potato power idea from this.

It’s actually not that bad, all joking aside. Creepy, pretty well acted, some cool one-liners…nothing special but fairly decent. Sort of a poor man’s ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’.

Inspirational Quote: “The music’s too loud…this rock and roll will never last.”

Grade: C-

Screaming dEAD Balloons

Cockroach’s Vanity (2024)

Found this randomly and gave it a (there’s-no-other-way-besides) quick listen.

It’s barely what I (and most people, at least before I got old) call an EP, which was good in two ways:
1) I didn’t have to listen long if it sucked and I wanted to review it anyways, and
2) The ratio of decent noise to sh1t is a lot higher when you only have to fill out 12:41.

It’s not bad. I have no idea WTF they’re talking about, nor do I care, but it sounds somewhat interesting.
Will it hold up to repeated listenings? No idea, cuz I’m gonna leave it at this and move on.

So, you know, if you like hard rock where the vocals are (mixed in and) basically dual/do-all hooks with the music, give it a try maybe?

Nice cover.

Grade: C-

Trilogy Of Terror (1975)

70’s clothes, 70’s hair, 70’s deco, 70’s rotary, etc…blech.

And these stories aren’t terror-ifying.

First one, mildly interesting. *shrug* Not worth it.

Second, not even that. Tedious.

Third, ummm…gimme a break. Laughable. And not intentionally.

BUT…it does have an interesting ending of maybe…a minute or so.

That saves this from the garbage heap.

Grade: D-

X (2022)

Cr@ppy graphic horror movie with obligatory sex.

Is it meant to be scary, truly scary? Or is it meant to be a sort of grotesque, over-the-top parody?

…Cuz it’s dull and/or laughable as often as it’s “OUCH!” or “D@MN!” worthy.

Direction, acting, dialogue, pacing, believable gore, actual “message”…all lacking.

Best timing: The alligator.

Off Netflix on 6/30/24

Grade: F

Westborough Behavioral Healthcare Hospital

I’d like to state, first of all, that I am NOT a professional critic. I am, however, an amateur critic with opinions *acting* as one.

I’d like to suggest a new slogan:

“Think your life is a waking nightmare? Well, come here, and we’ll show you what that REALLY is!”

On a scale of 0 to 10, I give it a .1 (Good food, yum yum).

*SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE*

– Puppy

Popcorn In Bed – First Time Watching – Unforgiven (1992)

Very good movie, so that’s a good start.

The commentator is laid-back, and provides some interesting commentary but also plenty of bland commentary, which can be a distraction from the movie.

I find that terrible movies (‘The Room’, ‘Birdemic: Shock And Terror’, ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate’, etc…) tend to do better in first-time watchings, because you don’t miss anything in the large bits and pieces that you miss (darn copyright).

Grade: B-

The Call Of Cthulhu – HorrorBabble Audiobook (2023)

I really like this narrator. Plenty of lip and tongue action. (JOKE)

Quite formal and pleasing, actually.

Gets creepy after the necessary intro.

Periods of great description here.

A must for Cthulhu fans, and a good intro for others.

You have to be in the mood to really appreciate it.

Just wish H.P. had left out the racism.

Inspirational Quote: “Someday he would call, when the stars were ready…”

Grade: A-

Creep 2 (2017)

SO redundant…wait, no, it’s a *female* being “hired” this time. “Really threw us a curveball there!” (Thanks, Jen!!)

Mark Duplass is actually not bad at what he does here. But what he does is talk like a genial total sociopath and never show the tiniest bit of real emotion. There’s a certain fascinaton to it, yes…but when you get down to it, there are plenty of other movies that present extreme aberrations in human beings, and actually have *more* to them than simply that.

It’s not exactly Joker and Harley Quinn.

27:38 – And they’re off!

Inside the mind of a serial killer? Not really sure if it’s creep(y) or laughably bad…I lean one way, then the other, grumbling at the notes I have to take for this review.

There is some actual tension and uncertainty near the end.

I’m at a bit of a loss. It’s not dark enough for the truly demented, but it’s not laughable enough for MST3K fans.

An interesting…attempt.

Grade: D

And Then There Were None – YouTube Audiobook (2021)

“Very good speaking voice.” – Michael Palin

That’s very important, because at just over 6 listening hours, disliking the voice might be a deal-breaker.

1:15 – Good so far, without the real tension even starting.

1:33:04 – Necessary exposition.

Drags a bit at times. But, stay tuned.

3:52:50 – Ummmm yeah, there’s been a lot of dragging.

Found myself wanting to scream: “Check the rhyme, you stupid b@stards!”

4:05:56 – FINALLY…appropriate paranoia and suitable somewhat-intelligent behavior.

It’s a decent way to pass six hours without feeling either annoyed, overly challenged, or *totally* bored at predictability.

Grade: C+

It’s A Good Life – YouTube Audiobook (2020)

From the 1953 novel by Jerome Bixby.

Nice, pleasant reading makes it even more consistently creepy.

You get a lot more info/background about what/why/how Anthony thinks and does than the ‘Twilight Zone’ episode.

I actually don’t like that, though…he’s more scary when you know less about him. Adds more worry and uncertainty.

I think the TZ episode is better than this, actually. But it’s still good.

Inspirational Quote: “…its eyes gleaming in small black terror.”

Grade: B

Black Mirror – Episode 14 (USS Callister)

Obvious ‘Star Trek’ opening. Let’s see what sort of horrific twist they can pull off on that.

Haha…nice transition to reality.

Wow…weird transition to “reality”.

WOW…ummm, it kicks in. I shouldn’t really have doubted it so much, there’s so much potential based on past performance.

Very good acting, as usual.

Poor Captain what’s-his-name…a man who has lost so much – and feels so much bitterness and rage – in reality, that he has to take his (EXTREME) feelings out on those in his continued fantasy life because he’s too afraid to do anything but trudge along in his dismal, has-been real life.

I mean, ‘Galaxy Quest’ has-been-ness is understandably depressing and frustrating…but you don’t see Alan Rickman’s character doing more than having the occasional private meltdown and *snatching* pictures-to-sign. And he’s the *most* bitter.

Virtually infallible lucid dreaming, every time.

Amazing. And, from what I understand of ‘The Matrix’, dangerous…dangerously tempting.

Inspirational Quote: “Stealing my pu$$y…is a red *fcken* line!”

MST3K Shorts-a-thon

Available on YouTube as of this writing.

Really good stuff: even the worst shorts aren’t THAT bad (bad as in unfunny). They all suck, of course, without riffing.

The riffing on them seems to be at a really high level pretty consistently.

Just minimize the boring/annoying ones, they’re pretty…short.

Grade: A-

5/2/24: Shorts-a-thons come and Shorts-a-thons go, but Shorts lists are forever.

Reel Reviews With Jen! – First Time Watching – 8MM (1999)

Jen seems like a very decent, genuine person at heart, so it’s easy to buy her surprised/shocked/horrified reactions at the goings-on in this film.

The goings-on are pretty horrible and I’m reminded again that there’s so much potential for this to be great, but unfortunately every time I have hope Nic Cage (thankfully without bees) shows up on the screen.

Jen! rambles a bit too much at the end, but has some interesting tidbits.

Grade: D+

5/1/24: Re-watch before post. *shrug* I have different moods.

Jen’s commentary is much more a friendly-Canadian intrusion every time you feel the power and darkness of the film.

Don’t watch this…watch the film yourself, or with people that don’t talk a lot during movies.

Inspirational Quote: “Oh my God, he’s a monster…he’s a monster…”

Grade: D (lowered a notch to clarify how much better it is by itself, and full-length).