We Have Always Lived In The Castle (YouTube Audiobook Version Of 1962 Shirley Jackson Novel)

Shirley Jackson – if my experience so far is a good indication – has a knack for making anything creepy, be it actually creepy or not. That is to say, a lead-up to what you feel will be something dark and disturbing even from a relatively harmless introduction, e.g. ‘The Lottery’.

That is the case here to begin with, and it makes it much more pleasurable to know that she has this ability, at least, to deliver on such build-up.

It’s a competently written, slowly developing witchcraft/shared isolation story from the witches point of view instead of the ignorant revolting pheasants.

Unfortunately, this turns out to be a lot more build-up than pay-off. ‘The Lottery’ delivers much more in much less time.

I wouldn’t bother with the film version. I’m certainly not going to.

Upped a notch for competence.

Upped a notch for respecting agoraphobia.

Grade: D+

The Lottery (YouTube Audiobook of 1948 Short Story)

Part of what convinced me, in college, that English Lit was MUCH more interesting than anything to do with accounting.

Creepy as Hell, I think, on the level of ‘The Metamorphosis’ and ‘Born Of Man And Woman’.

It holds up for me in my middle age.

I wouldn’t say it’s “great”…but it’s good.

And since it’s fairly short, a must-listen IMPO.

Inspirational Quote: “…they still remembered to use stones.”

Grade: B

Joker (2019)

A borderline-great movie. And I’m a d@mn harsh critic.

Basically it’s one man’s descent into madness…though to be fair there’s not *all* that much of a “descent” here…he’s pretty far gone not too far into the movie. It just gets more and more extreme, harder and harder to overlook.

Joaquin Phoenix is brilliant, which is no surprise, he’s a great actor. I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that he drew at least in part from painful life experiences to create Arthur Fleck.

It’s very well done. You can easily get lost in the despair that permeates the city/movie. Really fcken depressing, actually.

May profit from repeated viewings, if you wanted a better understanding. But I was too fcken depressed after one watch to plan for any more, and even now I wish – in a way – that it didn’t exist.

Misfortune leads to several incidents that aren’t Arthur’s fault…then again, those aren’t be-all excuses for everything he eventually does.

Visually disturbing and creepy. It’s difficult to know everything that is real and everything that is not.

NOT for the weak of heart. Scenes of graphic violence.

Gets a little slow at points. but I think (and will give the benefit of the doubt based on the rest) that this is intentional, in a way at least. Meaning, yes, here are some horrific and disgusting and terrifying things…and here’s something dull and slow as a real-life contrast. *shrug* Maybe, maybe not. In any case, I like my interpretation enough to enjoy it as such.

The vast majority of people are selfish, insensitive, rude a$$holes? I can’t really disagree with that.

Connection to ‘Are You Being Served?’ = Gary Glitter

Culmination near the end: Terrifying.

Inspirational Quote: “…you wouldn’t get it.”

Grade: A-

Subway Sub Shop – Maynard, Massachusetts

Yes, I’m reviewing a fast food restaurant.

Why? Well, the service was excellent and there was no hurrying involved, and you got plenty of what you wanted.

And I like rewarding good service, not just pointing out bad service.

Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki was loaded with…sweet onion chicken teriyaki. And toppings.

Cool stairs/tables, too. Ambiance is cool.

The person who served me is named Walter, I think he did a great job and you can quote me on that.

Nom nom nom.

Grade: A-

Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)

I’m just here for the shower scene, basically. (Around 1:04:15, if you’re interested).

But hey, I am an unprofessional critic, and so I will of course watch the whole thing (and review it, vis the words you’re reading now) in the spirit of FAIR USE: CRITICISM.

Hey, Michael Ironside younged pretty well.

Hahaha…I wonder if MST3K got the potato power idea from this.

It’s actually not that bad, all joking aside. Creepy, pretty well acted, some cool one-liners…nothing special but fairly decent. Sort of a poor man’s ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’.

Inspirational Quote: “The music’s too loud…this rock and roll will never last.”

Grade: C-

Screaming dEAD Balloons

Cockroach’s Vanity (2024)

Found this randomly and gave it a (there’s-no-other-way-besides) quick listen.

It’s barely what I (and most people, at least before I got old) call an EP, which was good in two ways:
1) I didn’t have to listen long if it sucked and I wanted to review it anyways, and
2) The ratio of decent noise to sh1t is a lot higher when you only have to fill out 12:41.

It’s not bad. I have no idea WTF they’re talking about, nor do I care, but it sounds somewhat interesting.
Will it hold up to repeated listenings? No idea, cuz I’m gonna leave it at this and move on.

So, you know, if you like hard rock where the vocals are (mixed in and) basically dual/do-all hooks with the music, give it a try maybe?

Nice cover.

Grade: C-

Trilogy Of Terror (1975)

70’s clothes, 70’s hair, 70’s deco, 70’s rotary, etc…blech.

And these stories aren’t terror-ifying.

First one, mildly interesting. *shrug* Not worth it.

Second, not even that. Tedious.

Third, ummm…gimme a break. Laughable. And not intentionally.

BUT…it does have an interesting ending of maybe…a minute or so.

That saves this from the garbage heap.

Grade: D-

X (2022)

Cr@ppy graphic horror movie with obligatory sex.

Is it meant to be scary, truly scary? Or is it meant to be a sort of grotesque, over-the-top parody?

…Cuz it’s dull and/or laughable as often as it’s “OUCH!” or “D@MN!” worthy.

Direction, acting, dialogue, pacing, believable gore, actual “message”…all lacking.

Best timing: The alligator.

Off Netflix on 6/30/24

Grade: F

Westborough Behavioral Healthcare Hospital

I’d like to state, first of all, that I am NOT a professional critic. I am, however, an amateur critic with opinions *acting* as one.

I’d like to suggest a new slogan:

“Think your life is a waking nightmare? Well, come here, and we’ll show you what that REALLY is!”

On a scale of 0 to 10, I give it a .1 (Good food, yum yum).

*SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE*

– Puppy

Popcorn In Bed – First Time Watching – Unforgiven (1992)

Very good movie, so that’s a good start.

The commentator is laid-back, and provides some interesting commentary but also plenty of bland commentary, which can be a distraction from the movie.

I find that terrible movies (‘The Room’, ‘Birdemic: Shock And Terror’, ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate’, etc…) tend to do better in first-time watchings, because you don’t miss anything in the large bits and pieces that you miss (darn copyright).

Grade: B-

The Call Of Cthulhu – HorrorBabble Audiobook (2023)

I really like this narrator. Plenty of lip and tongue action. (JOKE)

Quite formal and pleasing, actually.

Gets creepy after the necessary intro.

Periods of great description here.

A must for Cthulhu fans, and a good intro for others.

You have to be in the mood to really appreciate it.

Just wish H.P. had left out the racism.

Inspirational Quote: “Someday he would call, when the stars were ready…”

Grade: A-

Creep 2 (2017)

SO redundant…wait, no, it’s a *female* being “hired” this time. “Really threw us a curveball there!” (Thanks, Jen!!)

Mark Duplass is actually not bad at what he does here. But what he does is talk like a genial total sociopath and never show the tiniest bit of real emotion. There’s a certain fascinaton to it, yes…but when you get down to it, there are plenty of other movies that present extreme aberrations in human beings, and actually have *more* to them than simply that.

It’s not exactly Joker and Harley Quinn.

27:38 – And they’re off!

Inside the mind of a serial killer? Not really sure if it’s creep(y) or laughably bad…I lean one way, then the other, grumbling at the notes I have to take for this review.

There is some actual tension and uncertainty near the end.

I’m at a bit of a loss. It’s not dark enough for the truly demented, but it’s not laughable enough for MST3K fans.

An interesting…attempt.

Grade: D

And Then There Were None – YouTube Audiobook (2021)

“Very good speaking voice.” – Michael Palin

That’s very important, because at just over 6 listening hours, disliking the voice might be a deal-breaker.

1:15 – Good so far, without the real tension even starting.

1:33:04 – Necessary exposition.

Drags a bit at times. But, stay tuned.

3:52:50 – Ummmm yeah, there’s been a lot of dragging.

Found myself wanting to scream: “Check the rhyme, you stupid b@stards!”

4:05:56 – FINALLY…appropriate paranoia and suitable somewhat-intelligent behavior.

It’s a decent way to pass six hours without feeling either annoyed, overly challenged, or *totally* bored at predictability.

Grade: C+

It’s A Good Life – YouTube Audiobook (2020)

From the 1953 novel by Jerome Bixby.

Nice, pleasant reading makes it even more consistently creepy.

You get a lot more info/background about what/why/how Anthony thinks and does than the ‘Twilight Zone’ episode.

I actually don’t like that, though…he’s more scary when you know less about him. Adds more worry and uncertainty.

I think the TZ episode is better than this, actually. But it’s still good.

Inspirational Quote: “…its eyes gleaming in small black terror.”

Grade: B

Black Mirror – Episode 14 (USS Callister)

Obvious ‘Star Trek’ opening. Let’s see what sort of horrific twist they can pull off on that.

Haha…nice transition to reality.

Wow…weird transition to “reality”.

WOW…ummm, it kicks in. I shouldn’t really have doubted it so much, there’s so much potential based on past performance.

Very good acting, as usual.

Poor Captain what’s-his-name…a man who has lost so much – and feels so much bitterness and rage – in reality, that he has to take his (EXTREME) feelings out on those in his continued fantasy life because he’s too afraid to do anything but trudge along in his dismal, has-been real life.

I mean, ‘Galaxy Quest’ has-been-ness is understandably depressing and frustrating…but you don’t see Alan Rickman’s character doing more than having the occasional private meltdown and *snatching* pictures-to-sign. And he’s the *most* bitter.

Virtually infallible lucid dreaming, every time.

Amazing. And, from what I understand of ‘The Matrix’, dangerous…dangerously tempting.

Inspirational Quote: “Stealing my pu$$y…is a red *fcken* line!”

MST3K Shorts-a-thon

Available on YouTube as of this writing.

Really good stuff: even the worst shorts aren’t THAT bad (bad as in unfunny). They all suck, of course, without riffing.

The riffing on them seems to be at a really high level pretty consistently.

Just minimize the boring/annoying ones, they’re pretty…short.

Grade: A-

5/2/24: Shorts-a-thons come and Shorts-a-thons go, but Shorts lists are forever.

Reel Reviews With Jen! – First Time Watching – 8MM (1999)

Jen seems like a very decent, genuine person at heart, so it’s easy to buy her surprised/shocked/horrified reactions at the goings-on in this film.

The goings-on are pretty horrible and I’m reminded again that there’s so much potential for this to be great, but unfortunately every time I have hope Nic Cage (thankfully without bees) shows up on the screen.

Jen! rambles a bit too much at the end, but has some interesting tidbits.

Grade: D+

5/1/24: Re-watch before post. *shrug* I have different moods.

Jen’s commentary is much more a friendly-Canadian intrusion every time you feel the power and darkness of the film.

Don’t watch this…watch the film yourself, or with people that don’t talk a lot during movies.

Inspirational Quote: “Oh my God, he’s a monster…he’s a monster…”

Grade: D (lowered a notch to clarify how much better it is by itself, and full-length).

Crocodile Dundee II (1988)

It’s not horrible, but it’s kinda…sad, in a way.

I mean, it’s a somewhat-hollow echo of the original, inspiring more nostalgia than amusement.

And the serious plot element is strictly functional. And, well…so are the jokes.

It’s just a relic, hanging on for dear life. Not horrible, but not really worth your time.

14:22 – Smuggler’s Blues?
17:01 – Pachanga?
28:49 – Now *that* is what I call a phone.

Grade: D

The Puppet Masters – YouTube Audiobook (2023)

Reading of 1951 novel.

I find the narrator’s voice dull and kind of annoying at the same time, and there are definite lulls in the material.

But I find MOST of the material at least somewhat interesting.

Docked a notch for blatant sexism and another for blatant repetitive-political-statement-over-sci-fi-entertainment.

Grade: D+

The Lighthouse – HorrorBabble Audiobook by Aaron Vlek (2024)

A newbie! Of course, every Cthulhu mythos fan wants to write Cthulhu mythos; some can, some can’t.

And so I listen…(gotta admit part of why is that I Luv the narrator’s voice and intonation).

Rule One: NEVER apply to Miskatonic University.
Rule Two: Leave Innsmouth well enough alone.
Rule Three: Follow advice to ignore anything smelling of Cthulhu at least as much as Denzel Washington’s character should (have) regarding Azazel in ‘Fallen’.
Rule Four: No Pickmans!
Rule Five: There is NO RULE FIVE!
Rule Six: No Pickmans.
Rule Seven: Allow the creepiness to wash over you.
Rule Eight: If you don’t follow Rule Seven, DON’T LISTEN TO IT, not worth it.
Rule Nine: Like most things Cthulhu-esque, not for the weak of heart.
Rule Ten: Nothing to see/hear.
Rule Eleven: No Pickmans.

Hmmmmm…gets better when it gets to the point. Surprisingly so, actually.

Nicely (and appropriately) wordy.

I was worried it would be a moody/wordy imitation of the best Cthulhu-esque-ness. Imagine my surprise when it got better as it went along, and I stopped thinking of how to say “meh” and how TO say “This is good stuff”.

The Puppy is a harsh critic. But this is good stuff.

Inspirational Quote: “We ‘Dreamswimmers’…took to the lands of dream like otters to a roaring brook…”

Grade: B+

Cujo (2023 YouTube Audiobook)

Ok, so…really bad narration in the convenient version I listened to. Mechanical and with pause s in-the-wrong … places, at times.

And T does NOT equal I.

On the other hand, it’s got the text nicely printed out for you as well, if you’d like to inflate your view. It even simulates turning pages.

King goes with LOTS of exposition here. But the incredibly mundane and relatively boringly normal (IMPO, and relative to the actual – and very real – building horror aspects) lead up doing the dueling-banjo thing with the building horror aspects make them even more horrible (in a scary sense, I mean).

It’s also scarier overall as things get more and more unsettled in non-Cujo portions, knowing that the build is happening (and even more foreboding, that THE build is only paused…that for everything and anything that may happen, good or bad, to whatever degree…poor Cujo is suffering most of all. Suffering from a painful and terrifying (to self and others) descent into intolerable pain – and then – insanity.

The disintegration that takes place is quite sad. He *IS* a good dog. But it happens nevertheless.

Interesting and well done, I think, in working the nominal plot with the under-plots.

Seems well-written in general, like King gives a sh1t (this time, at least).

Shock trauma, eh? Portent of ‘Survivor Type’?

Characters are fairly interesting, pretty well-defined, multi-dimensional.

Quite a bit of character behavior shows that some humans don’t require rabies to act with vicious/insane mental deterioration.

Yeah, I can still cry. Rarely, but still.

Inspirational Quote: “It was THE BOY, THE BOY, and THE BOY had never done him any harm. Once he had loved THE BOY and would have died for him had that been called for…The last of the dog that had been before the bat scratched its nose turned away, and the sick and dangerous dog, subverted for the last time, was forced to turn with it.”

Grade: A-

At The Mountains Of Madness – HorrorBabble Audiobook (2018)

Love the narrator’s voice for the material (and also the basic subject), so very hopeful/eager for it to be good.

I find it interesting, when I’m in the right mood. Rather boring, when I’m not.

You want description? Talk about description. I mean, I find Tolkien’s (for example) verbosity mostly boring, but I enjoy a mild uneasiness through most of this (How long is it? That’s rather a personal question…about 4:49).

The best parts are in the beginning – a long lead-up that you know will lead to something odd and probably disastrous – and, after a long middle portion, a return to creepy insinuation and at last some payoff.

Good source of background info on the beginnings of various Cthulhu mythos ideas. So, if you plan on reading everything Lovecraftian, decide how much background info you want vs. how much total mystery you want.

This is more an extensive introduction to the Elder Ones, Shoggoths, Cthulhu spawn, etc… than it is a scary story. The lead-up to the scary story part is fairly interesting because you know something odd and nasty is going to happen. But after the odd and nasty happening, the speculation and evaluation go on for QUITE a while, serving the purpose of a biography for any further Lovecraft readings you may wish to do. So if you don’t want a whole sh1tload of that, you may find this rather tedious.

I think it’s worth listening to, once.

Grade: C+

Just SUMM Reactions – First Time Watching – The Room (2003, listed in YouTube as 2005)

One of the worst movies ever. There are so many that I won’t hand out the title that easily, I’ll let you decide for yourself. But this is definitely one of the best worst ever.

I think watching a reaction video is perfect for ‘The Room’, because it shows only the worst of the worst, so you waste less time being awed by just THE worst of one of THE worst. Good job by Emily guiding the room-virgins through it; it’s DEFINITELY better watching it with someone else.

The intro and outro are the only subpar parts.

Grade: B+

Ashleigh Burton – First Time Watching – The Thing (1982) Movie Reaction

I like Ashleigh’s reactions in general, she’s laid back and also interesting; seems natural.

Nothing really *special* here, but a solid entry.

Wish there was much more footage and commentary *shrug*

Inspirational Quote: “Was John Carpenter OK?”

Grade: D+

Just SUMM Reactions – First Time Watching – Birdemic: Shock And Terror (2010)

The movie is a horrific piece of trash that is ripe for mockery.

It’s a husband and wife duo doing the reaction.

The wife, Emily, is at times adorable and at times out of her mind upset; and right on point with her commentary and physical reactions. Some good lines, some repellant physical shielding (to no avail).

The movie pummels you into submission and just doesn’t let up.

Nice post-movie rant also.

Inspirational Quote: “Anyway, I hear a mountain lion…”

Grade: B

Reel Reviews With Jen! – First Time Watching – Birdemic: Shock And Terror (2010)

I like Jen overall: she’s affable and she doesn’t seem to be trying too hard.

Interesting and intelligent commentary at times, I think.

Very few painful moments from her, and she’s good at pointing out the numerous painful moments in the movie.

About the movie…yeah, it’s bad. Really, really bad. Goes from a really bad setup to an even worse EXPLOSION of SHOCK AND TERROR!!!

Just…cr@p after cr@p after cr@p. Really nothing to salvage this. I wouldn’t say it’s QUITE as bad as ‘The Room’, but it is pretty darn horrific.

Inspirational Quote: “Oh. Oh…oh, no…ohhhhhh noooooo…..”

Grade: B

Nikki & Steven React – First Time Watching – The Thing (1982) Movie Reaction

Man: Boring /annoying
Woman: Loud, too much d@mn swearing, but the occasional cool line.

Not worth it, especially given all your available FTW choices.

Inspirational Quote: “Is that the Millennium Falcon?”

Grade: D-

Survivor Type (YouTube Audiobook From 1985 Stephen King Short Story)

Fairly boring in the beginning, but…you can’t get much more creepy and grotesque while still being listenable as it proceeds.
Unfortunately you can’t get much more petulant and annoying than the narrator.
But still, like…wow. I mean…it seems realistic.
Makes you feel better about your own life, even when you feel like sh1t. Boring parts, yes…parts that go on too long.
But the feeling of dread you’ll probably get is served by these at least.

Let’s eat!

Grade: B-

Natalie Gold – First Time Watching – The Thing (1982) Movie Reaction

Want an emotional watch-partner? Well, she certainly qualifies for that. If, on the other hand, you hate screams, avoid at all costs.

She’s also emotional in gentle, pro-dog ways, which is cool.

Her analysis is a lot more basic than it is deeply analytical, so take that into consideration as well.

Grade: C+

The Media Knights – First Time Watching – The Thing (1982) Movie Reaction

A fairly-dynamic duo that works well together at watching and interjecting watches ‘The Thing’ and doesn’t skimp.

Some good commentary on the intellectual aspects and different hypotheses.

I could do with a little less overall moviemaking commentary near the end.

And I wonder how much of the camaraderie is genuine. But assuming it is, this is worth your time for both “watching partners” and good critical analysis.

Inspirational Quote: “Let alien dogs lie.”

Grade: B