Month: April 2012

The Rock (1996)

Oh, the Stupidity!

Lots and lots of loud, martial, “inspirational” music, riveting “action”, tons and tons of sh1t blowing the FCK up(!!), tons of other sh1t smashing into more other sh1t, some of that sh1t then BLOWING UP(!!!), oodles of manly man macho “dialogue”, some of it manly male-bonding, some of it manly-man conflict, 99 44/100 percent pure adrenaline, 100 percent overload of testosterone.

In other words, a typical Simpson/Bruckheimer flick.

I cannot use the word “film”, as “flick” is the appropriate term.

Unlike some of their better efforts, especially ‘Crimson Tide’, this does NOT escape the unbelievably absurd formula-muck most of their films/flicks slog through or sink down into.

‘Crimson Tide’ has less bullsh1t, less “action”, less cr@ppy “dialogue”, some decent characters, and the benefit of two great actors(Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman) and a great supporting cast.

This has Nic Cage and Sean Connery.  Scarcely replacement…and the same goes for the supporting cast.

It has its moments…if you can somehow overlook or cringe/laugh through the character/plot “development”, the scenes with Ed Harris/David Morse/The rest of the “bad” guys (especially briefly with Connery) are interesting.  And when you throw this much sh1t on the screen trying for excitement, you’re bound to generate at least SOME.  Caveat Emptor.

Inspirational Quote: “Patriotism…is the Virtue, of the vicious…according to Oscar Wilde.”

Grade: C

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Why The Bruins Should Trade Tim Thomas

Look at Martin Brodeur.  Four time Vezina winner, one of the greatest goalies ever…but look at him now at age 39.  It’s kind of sad.

Thomas is 38.  He plays an unorthodox style that depends on extreme flexibility, athleticism, and pinpoint reactions.  He’s got a year left, maybe two.  Noone defeats age.

Also, his favorite person to have dinner with is Glenn Beck, if you need a personal reason.

Tuukka Rask is 25 years old.  He’s tested in the NHL, including the playoffs.  His numbers the past two seasons have been comparable to Thomas’.  He’s THIRTEEN years younger.

Am I the only one that isn’t blind here?  Trade Thomas while he has value, get a goalie that is used to being a backup, and put Rask in net next year.  In exchange, we get a forward who can actually score, or an upgrade on our (GAG) third defense pair.  I mean, come on…it’s just common sense.

I’m a big B’s fan…but Thomas is nearly done.  Let’s not go the way of the Celtics and have him fade away like the Big Three while getting NOTHING back for him.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Men In Black II (2002)

It’s not as inspired as the first…the script is mediocre in comparison and while Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith do their able best to sell it, the supporting cast is forgettable at best (Except Tony Shalhoub, who appears all too briefly).

If you haven’t seen the first, I’d recommend seeing it.  If you don’t plan on seeing the third, this is optional but not necessary.  If you do plan on seeing the third, this is good enough to watch once as a warm-up.

Inspirational Quote: “It rains because you’re sad.”

Grade: C+

Survival Of The Dead (2009)

The vast majority is generic zombie sh1t that’s been done a million times before by many different people (Romero included).

And just when you think that FINALLY the movie has moved beyond that, that Romero is going to make another “statement”, this time regarding existence or some other deep thought, it stays exactly the same.  Maybe all of his “statements” all along have been purely accidental, because this sucks.

Labour of Worthlessness.

Grade: F

9/16/13: While pruning my F List, I came across this.  I thought maybe I should take it off.  The reason I don’t is because, with all the sh1t that’s come out in the zombie vein since ‘Night’, the fact that Romero seemingly is stagnant enough to make something so unbelievably redundant and meaningless in the very same genre he himself sparked (if not created) is deserving of nothing less than a big fat stamp of failure.  Well done, George.  Grade: F

The “Yap Yap” Hypothetical

“Well, you don’t know that the universe wasn’t created by a flying bowl of pasta either…do you consider that a reasonable possibility?”

No.  See Atheist Bill Maher’s quote on “doubt”.

It’s really impossible to have a discussion on logic and reasonable possibility with someone whose position is, by definition, satire.  A joke.  It’s hard to argue against a joke…because then they think you don’t get it.  But sometimes jokes just aren’t very FUNNY…

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Tangent

“Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely
energy condensed to a slow vibration—that we are all one
consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no
such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we’re the
imagination of ourselves. Here’s Tom with the weather.”

– Bill Hicks

Parents (1989)

It could use a lot more Basil Exposition, and you knew that wine rack had to go in slooooo moooooo…it would be predictable to call it predictable.

It’s creepy as hell, of course…but it takes 81 minutes to accomplish what ‘Impeccable Lifeboat Cannibals’ and ‘The Undertaker Sketch’ do in about 5.

Inspirational Quote: from this movie?  dialogue is at a premium.

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Nomnomnom. Grade: C-

The Arrival (1996)

The acting is mediocre and/or methodical, the script is lacking, the continuity is poor, and the aliens are cheezy.

But it is…interesting.

Inspirational Quote: “If you can’t tend to your own planet, none of you deserve to live here.”

IQ2: “Zane, for once in your paranoid life will you please just TRUST me!”

Grade: C-

10/31/13: Well, Sheen’s acting isn’t bad actually. And Ron Silver is good, in limited action. Grade: C

8/9/14: One of the best, most interesting cheezy failures I’ve ever seen. Hey, Shar’s actually pretty nice…and cute. (I know, S=C). Grade: C

11/29/16: See ‘Clash Of The Titans’ for a fairly equivalent example. This is the benefit of enjoying *repeated* viewings. Grade: C+

The validity of DH’s recent “Clean Hockey” stance

“Late in the deciding Game 6 of the 1993 Patrick Division Semifinals between the Capitals and New York Islanders, Pierre Turgeon stole the puck from Hunter and scored, putting the game out of reach. Hunter, who was trailing Turgeon on the play, checked Turgeon well after the goal as he started to celebrate. Turgeon sustained a separated shoulder from the hit, causing him to miss all but Game 7 against the Pittsburgh Penguins in the second round, as well as most of the series against the Montreal Canadiens in the conference finals. New NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who had earlier promised to crack down on violence, suspended Hunter for the first 21 games of the 1993-94 season — at the time, the longest suspension in league history for an on-ice incident (in terms of games missed). Years later, Hunter admitted that he’d gone too far.

With amassing a staggering 3565 penalty minutes, Hunter currently has the second-most penalty minutes in NHL history…When the Capitals retired his No. 32 jersey, he was presented with the penalty box from the demolished Capital Centre at the retirement ceremony. Hunter is the only NHL player ever to score over 1,000 points and rack up over 3,000 penalty minutes (1,020 points and 3,565 PIMs over 1,407 NHL games).”

-Wikipedia

Paraphrasing Michael Palin regarding the potential for eventual HC watchability

“Listen lad…I built this kingdom up from nothin’.  When I started here all there was was swamp.  Other kings said I was daft to build a castle in the swamp, but I built it all the same, JUST TO SHOW EM!  It sank into the swamp.  So…I built a second one.  That sank into the swamp.  So I built a third one…that burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp.  But the fourth one!  stayed up!”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Human Centipede (2010)

Not sure what’s better, the inspirational “dialogue” or the riveting “action”.

The lack of any attempt at humor or intelligence leaves one wondering how a film about a man surgically attaching people together could be really, really dull.

“…the grotesque fusion at least silences the female leads, both of whose voices could strip paint.” – Jeannette Catsouli

Inspirational tongue-lick: guy climbing the stairs.

Grade: F-

Tucker & Dale Vs Evil (2010)

When the most visually disturbing scene in a movie featuring self-impalement on a makeshift spear and someone diving head-first into a woodchipper is a guy licking someone, you know that you’ve graduated from generic “horror” gore/trash to fairly clever ‘Shaun of the Dead’-esque (in its genre-bending) comedy.  More than just camp.  Nothing revelatory, but as a ray of brilliant sunshine through parting clouds after any worthless gore flick.

Inspirational Quote: “I should have known if a guy like me talked to a girl like you, somebody would end up dead”

Grade: C+

12/6/12: It’s a clever little b@stard, even though it’s not as funny as it wants to be.  Grade: B-

Three Kings (1999)

The casting, at first glance, seems quite odd and doesn’t bode well for the movie, at least to me.  But it turns out that everyone plays their role very well.  When I think “great actors”, George Clooney and Ice Cube don’t exactly spring up at the top of the list.  But they each establish a definite personality for their character, and maintain it consistently throughout the film.  Mark Wahlberg’s performance is even better, and even Nora Dunn and Jamie *bleepin* Kennedy are convincing as what they set out to be (noble artistic integrity and moronic comic relief, respectively).

Not really a “War” movie because, well…the war’s over when the film starts.  It blends action, drama, and comedy (sometimes obvious and sometimes cutely subtle) without any of the three elements taking away from any of the other three.  Quite a trick, really.  In that way it’s a bit Princess Bride-ish (that’s a compliment) without the romance (unless you count Clooney’s quickie).

A bit overlooked when it came out, this should have done a lot better than it did.

An excellent film.

Inspirational Quote: “Major Gates Major Gates!!!”

Grade: A

3/7/15: So did Schmitt’s Gay rip off the intro or vice-versa?

In all seriousness…

I never understood the policy of not standing happy endings.

I never understood the policy of not standing sad endings.

I never understood the policy of not standing neutral endings.

Provided they’re done realistically, they should all be accepted for what they are: part of life. Grade: A

Platoon (1986)

It’s stark and brutal, which is appropriate for a war film.

It’s well-acted and contains characters with actual personalities that generated genuine reactions from me, both positive and negative, sometimes a little of both, which is necessary for a great film.

I find the moral ambiguity still refreshing and the movie still undated 26 years later.

Willem Dafoe is always a plus, and Tom Berenger turns in the performance of his career.

What the hell happened to Charlie Sheen?

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t need that sh1t…I AM reality.”

Grade: A

This Is Spinal Tap (1984)

I’ve seen this way too many times so it doesn’t amuse me nearly as much as it originally did, but I think that’s more because the observations on pretentious, stupid Arena-Rock bands and their inevitable descents were more cutting and applicable in 84 (or even 94) than they are today.  Bands seem, to me, to have learned to have a bit more of a sense of humor about themselves (with some exceptions) and the jokes hit home a lot more when you’ve been listening to the same pretentious and/or declining bands that the jokes apply to so aptly (Yes, Aerosmith, AC/DC, etc…).

A lot of people who didn’t grow up at or around the heyday of Arena Rock will probably just see this as a completely absurd collection of nonsense…but the fact that this was, at least at one time, VERY close to reality is just as sad as it is funny.

Nevertheless, it’s a must-see if you haven’t already and from what I hear it’s pretty d@mn accurate as pertains to a lot of its targets, according to some of the targets themselves.

Inspirational Quote: “You can’t really dust for vomit”

Grade: A-

The Hunt For Red October (1990)

If only Harrison Ford had been on board for this one.

A notch below ‘Clear and Present Danger’ because, although it is similarly complex, interesting, and “action-packed” it hasn’t aged QUITE as well, and because Alec Baldwin, while undeniably charming and talented in his own way, is no Harrison Ford.

But being the second-best film adaptation of a Tom Clancy novel featuring James Earl Jones isn’t a bad thing.

Inspirational Quote: “I didn’t.  I had a 50/50 chance and I needed a break.  Sorry.”

Grade: B+

7/19/12: Harrison Ford would be far too competent to get away with some of the things Alec Baldwin says/does in this.  That’s a compliment to Alec…he’s a funny guy.  Grade: A-

9/19/14: Too many blatant mistakes and cliche moments. Grade: B+

The Shining (1980)

The intro car-driving sequence of ascent into soon-to-be Hell (complete with appropriate music) is scarier than every film on my “F List” combined.  Why?  Because Stanley Kubrick understood what a TRUE horror film was/is/should be/(will always be?)…random gore is unnecessary when there’s actually SOMETHING there.

The basics are plucked from Stephen King’s novel, but this is Kubrick’s film, not a “movie version of the book”.  I much prefer Kubrick’s emphasis on terror/insanity than King’s more mundane “haunted house” and more silly animated evil hedge creatures. (If you haven’t read the book, don’t ask).

Nicholson is perfect in a scary sort of way, given his character.  Noone else is “bad”, but he’s the STAR, which makes his slow descent that much more powerful.

Perhaps you have to be slightly twisted as well as brilliant to produce a brilliantly twisted film.  If so, Kubrick fits the bill perfectly.

There are a few hokey moments, but they’re easily overlooked.

I’ve heard/read that Stephen King isn’t too fond of Kubrick’s version of this story.  Frankly, I find this puzzling, as this film is brilliant, unlike movie versions of ‘Firestarter’, ‘Children of the Corn’, ‘Pet Sematary’, ‘Salem’s ‘Lot’, ‘The Running Man’…the list goes on.  And on.

Fortunately, being disliked by Stephen King doesn’t hold quite the weight it used to…given his output of the past 15-odd years, that is.

I’m truly amazed that Richard Bachman would lower himself to the continued use of the pen name “Stephen King”, at this point.

Overall Result: A work of (demented) art.

Inspirational Quote: “It’s okay…he saw it on the television.”

Grade: A

Clear And Present Danger (1994)

Harrison Ford and Willem Dafoe are both excellent.  No surprise.

This is a great movie up until the end, at which point it becomes predictable, hokey, and utterly disappointing, each in turn.

There’s really no point in even WATCHING the ending…just read the Wikipedia summary when things start to get dull.  UNTIL then, watch the movie, because most of it is far from dull.

Inspirational Quote: “Your word is who you are.”

Grade: A-

4/19/15: Every time you (I) watch it, year after year, it becomes less and less a blockbuster: more dated, closer to being obsolete in some ways.

But the script and the acting of Harrison Ford, Willem Dafoe, James Earl Jones and others maintain the interest factor despite this.

IQ Again: “Your word is who you are.”

Grade: A-

The Big Lebowski (1998)

One of the weirdest movies I’ve ever seen that doesn’t (totally) suck and which I believe I fully understand.  In that way, it’s half a Terry Gilliam film.

Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems to me that, despite some certainly “interesting” moments, this is the sort of film that people who aren’t particularly intelligent think is clever and that they are really smart for knowing just how clever it is.  Which it isn’t.

Grade: D

Chris Cornell

Euphoria Morning (1999)

This is a radical departure from Soundgarden.  It’s melodic, pretty, mostly soft…recalling, if anything, the slower songs from Cornell’s Andrew Wood tribute, Temple of the Dog.  The lyrics are interesting and the entire thing can be listened to without wincing.

But only occasionally does it rise above pleasant.  The only song that seems to be even intended for airplay is “Can’t Change Me”.  Mostly, it seems like an album full of private ruminations set to mostly spare musical accompaniment.  Artistically not without merit, but I have the feeling that Chris enjoys listening to most of these songs more than pretty much anyone else.
(“Can’t Change Me”, “Mission”)

Grade: C+

The F List – Music

Jerry Cantrell – Degradation Trip: I am Puppy hear me allow the title to speak for itself.

Green River – Dry As A Bone/Rehab Doll: I didn’t know I.P. Freeley was a musician, too.

Heart – Private Audition: Not fit for public consumption.

Mudhoney – Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge: No fudge for you.

Nonpoint – Development: Arrested.

Orb – Orbus Terrarum: Boop.

Liz Phair – Exile In Guyville: I am Puppy hear me degrade.

The Pixies – Come On Pilgrim: Proof that you CAN, in fact, polish a turd.

Sonic Youth – Daydream Nation: If only they were Sonic Middle-Aged we wouldn’t have to put up with them much longer.

Taproot – Welcome: To your nightmare.

Tool – Opiate: For the Asses.

Type O Negative – World Coming Down: The value of a typical “goth” woman when she takes off her corset.

Yes – Tales From Topographic Oceans: Even BP didn’t pollute water this much.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The F List – Movies/Long Subject

Airborne
Alice
Alien Hunter
The Amazing Johnathan: Wrong On Every Level
And Now For Something Completely Different
Angst
Antisocial
Are You Scared?
Area 407
Asylum
Atari: Game Over
Autumn
Awaken The Dead
Bachelor Party In The Bungalow Of The Damned
Bad Girls From Mars
Battle Royale
Beneath The Surface
Birdemic: Shock And Terror
Bloodlust Zombies
Bloody Birthday
Bong Of The Dead
Buck Wild
Burial Ground: The Nights Of Terror
Burying The Ex
The Butcher
Butcher Boys
Cabin Fever (2016)
Cabin Fever: Patient Zero
Cartoon Noir
Carver
A Christmas Horror Story
C.H.U.D.
City Of The Living Dead
Come Out And Play
Condemned
Contagion
Contracted: Phase II
Creep
Crucible Of Horror
Dante’s Inferno (2007)
Dante’s Inferno (2010)
Dark Town
Darkroom
The Dead One
Dead Season
The Dead Undead
The Dead Want Women
Deadgirl
Deadtime Stories: Volume 1
Deadtime Stories: Volume 2
Deep Space
Demonic (aka Forest Of The Damned)
Devil In The Flesh
The Devil Inside
Devil’s Gravestone
Diary Of A Cannibal
Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark
Dragonlance: Dragons Of Autumn Twilight
Dredd
Dylan Dog: Dead Of Night
Erik The Viking
The Evil Dead
Exit Humanity
Extinction (2011)
Extinction (2015)
The Fan
Feeding Grounds
Forest Of The Damned (aka Demonic)
Gangs Of The Dead
Graham Chapman: Anatomy Of A Liar
The Graves
Graveyard Shift
The Grudge
Hellbound: Hellraiser II
Helldriver
Hellraiser
Hidden
The Hole
The Horde
The Human Centipede
I Don’t Feel At Home In This World Anymore
Idiots And Angels
In Search Of Lovecraft
Infected
Infection
Invaders From Mars (1986)
Invasion
The Invasion
Isolation
Kill Katie Malone
Kill The Scream Queen
Lady Frankenstein
The Last Airbender
Last Kind Words
The Last Man On Earth
Masters Of Horror: Imprint
Mulholland Drive
My Bloody Valentine
My Sucky Teen Romance
Nightmares In Red, White And Blue
Ninja Cheerleaders
Nude Nuns With Big Guns
Oasis Of The Zombies
Omnivores
Pandemic
Perkins’ 14
Prince Of Darkness
Psycho (1998)
Recycled Parts
Red Riding Hood
Redneck Zombies
Re-Kill
Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Resident Evil: Extinction
Return Of The Living Dead 4: Necropolis
Rise Of The Zombies
Rodentz
Room 237
Sacred Flesh
Scar
Scourge
Screamtime
Severed: Forest Of The Dead
Shrooms
Stalled
Stripperland
Surf Nazis Must Die
Survival Of The Dead
1313: Cougar Cult
1313: Frankenqueen
Three… Extremes: Cut
Three… Extremes: Dumplings
The Tomb
Tomb Raider
The Tooth Fairy
Total Retribution
Triumph Of The Will
Tuvalu
Unrest
Vampegeddon
A Virgin Among The Living Dead
The Whisperer In Darkness
William Shatner’s Get A Life!
Wishmaster
The Woman
Would You Rather
X
Zombeavers
Zombi Holocaust
The Zombie Apocalypse
Zombie Ass: Toilet Of The Dead
Zombie High
Zombie Massacre
Zombie Nation
Zombie Night
Zombie Strippers!
Zombie Undead
Zombie Women Of Satan
Zombies Of Mass Destruction
Zombies Zombies Zombies
Zoombies

“Thanks for the (movie)””…or whatever you might call it…””And cut yourself a slice of throat.” – Curly Howard

1:42-1:46 – Enough Said.

4/23/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – I am using the Monty Python’s Flying Circus clip as a means of criticism, and to criticize IT: I love it. Much better than ‘Cats’. I’m going to watch it again and again.

4/23/16: Link updated, see above.

List Last Updated: 12/20/24

Jerry Cantrell

Boggy Depot (1998)

I can’t think of any reason to listen to it after the first two songs, unless you want an entire album’s worth of proof that his songwriting has descended from brilliant to mostly competent.  “Dickeye” and “Cut You In” are above competent, and could even fit on ‘Alice In Chains’ or maybe even replace the lone low spot on ‘Jar of Flies’.  But that’s not really enough given this man’s talent.
(“Cut You In”)

Grade: C-

Degradation Trip (2002)

Competent.  Professional.  Boring.  Dull.  Meaningless.

Here Jerry calls upon every influence he can think of to try to re-evoke a dead band and fails miserably.  Alice In Chains without Layne Staley is not Alice In Chains, and this is no “dedication”.  If I were to be ultimately optimistic, I’d say it was an abysmal failure to honor a dead friend.  But I’m going to be more realistic, and I’ll say it’s probably Jerry trying to make money off a dead man’s pain.  And I think that stinks.

Grade: F

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/04/girl-lied-about-father-rape_n_1402468.html?ref=crime&icid=maing-grid10%7Chtmlws-main-bb%7Cdl2%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D149347

“The truth? I thought we were talking about a court of law. Come
on, you’ve been around long enough to know that a courtroom isn’t
a place to look for the truth.” – A Civil Action

I’m Positive.

“Faith for good reason arises out of the mystery that underlies
the very structure and nature of reality, a mystery that in its
entirety will never be entirely demystified despite what those who
have placed reason on their altar might like us to believe. The
mystery of life that gives rise to faith as a supra-rational means
of unlocking life’s mystery—one that reason does not hold the key to—suggests that faith is fundamentally rational in that it is a
logical response to the mysterious.” – Swami Tripurari

Dead Snow (2009)

Norway’s attempt at the goriest, stupidest, goriest, stupidest, goriest, goriest, and goriest film ever.  And it’s stupid.  Personally, I’ll take ‘Dead Alive”s campy charm over this any day.  Not since ‘The Evil Dead’ has so much fake blood been used for so little purpose.

Denne filmen suger.

Grade: F-

7/18/12: I suppose this could be used as a training video for how NOT to make a film, or as a very small first baby step toward the supreme ultimate goal of ‘Dead Alive’.  Don’t really know WHY, but it could.  Grade: D-

Mum & Dad (2008)

Twisted and disgusting sexually as well as (of course, it’s a sub-standard horror flick) violently, and essentially meaningless.

But the acting (at least I hope it’s acting) is better than in your average useless gorefest, and the heroine’s tenacity and resiliency are impressive.

For every decent horror flick I see (say, ‘Fido’, though that’s more a comedy) I have to sit through ten of these (or worse).  Why do I do it?  The answer, as with the First Citiwide Change Bank, is simple.

Volume.

Grade: D

DIEner (2010)

The wanna-be-Ed-Norton-from-Fight-Club Likeness of the Long-Droning Sociopath.

OR

How to get all your friends into a horror film.

OR

A sign of the state of decline of available Netflix streaming movies.

Inspirational Quote: “I regret nothing!”

Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Plus, I’ve always had a nagging suspicion this was a low D-.  Grade: D-