Month: September 2012

Hmmm…not exactly ‘Braveheart’ this time.  More like ‘PettyThiefScumbag-Heart’

I mean, are we supposed to root for this guy?  He’s as unlikeable as Gibson himself after his anti-Jewish/anti-female comments.

I actually found myself rooting for the “bad guys” to win.  I mean, just on sheer “PRINCIPLE”, you know.  Apparently, Porter’s idea of romance is to beat the woman you “love” savagely until she “realizes” what’s “good for her”.  What a maggot.

I guess the problems of a wife-beating scumbag and the prostitute he used to pimp out don’t amount to a hill of beans in this cockamamie world…

1:24:00 – YAY!!!  Errrr…is that wrong?

WAIT A MOMENT…this movie was different the first time I saw it.  It had Kris Kristofferson and they beat the heck out of Porter.  It was watchable then, cuz Kristofferson was the highlight.  Now the ending is just plain non-existent.  But at least it ends.  I mean, D@MN…

Inspirational Quote: “Man, that’s just MEAN”

Grade: D- (Before the Director’s (horrible) Cut): C-

For those of you who can’t get enough Eddie Murphy, here’s some more.

Axel is still smarter than everyone else, Taggart is still grumpy, the head cop is still a dumb jerk.

But Rosewood…Rosewood has transformed from pleasant, naive greenhorn into a Rambo-inspired walking arsenal.  A very pleasant, borderline-disturbed walking arsenal.

It’s aged a bit better than the original, but neither of these were ever anything to really care about either way.  You don’t love it, you don’t hate it, you just watch it and then immediately forget it.

Sort of like Murphy’s film career.

Grade: B-

‘John Carpenter’s – Latest Bad Movie’.

It’s just so dull and stupid that I wasn’t sure what to write about it, other than it being really dull and stupid.  So I was SO thankful when I found this little gem and saved myself the 30-40 seconds it would take to think of a usable description-

“ridiculous without being awful enough to be hilarious.” – Lawrence Van Gelder, The New York Times

No relation to Van Helsing or Van Gelder, Simon.

Grade: D-

Wow…a baseball “horror” film.

I mean, I knew you could sometimes fall asleep to baseball.  I never realized it was so incredibly terrifying.

I guess it’s true…there’s a fine line between baseball and really bad baseball-psycho movies.

Alternate Title: ‘Field Of Screams’

Grade: F

Like the boys brigade, USELESS.

‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus – The Greatest Hits’???

What a load of garbage.  I mean, I understand they wanted to introduce themselves to the United States…but this just cuts out seemingly arbitrary pieces of their episodes and pastes them together while lamely attempting to “Americanize” the references.  I thought they were AGAINST conformity?  Well, here’s conformity…sanitized, commercialized, badly American-ized for the masses.

‘Flying Circus’ was what five guys thought was funny (plus an insanely inspired animator).

This is apparently what five guys thought would make them some money.

Grade: F

Here’s something worthy of nose…
Intro: well, at least he/she/it was telling the truth in the end.

11:18- A young Frank Black?

In horribly bad taste, of course…but like ‘The Return of the Living Dead’, the complete lack of pretentiousness and the self-mockery make it kinda fun, as “horror” movies go.  But, UNlike ‘Return’, unfortunately, it gets comparatively dull in the second half.

One of the very rare cases where self-bondage prevents murder and allows sex with Jessica Alba.

Fav character- Crusading Druid Priestess in a van on Druid time

Inspirational Quote: “My work here is done.  Time for the ritualistic sex.”

Grade: C+

7/7/18: Do I overrate because I feel better or do I underrate because I feel worse? I don’t know. Grade: D+

Near the beginning Eddie talks about how Richard Pryor was an inspiration to him growing up.

Mr. Murphy…I’ve seen Richard Pryor.  I’ve heard Richard Pryor.  Mr. Murphy, you are no Richard Pryor.

Best bit: Impression of Richard Pryor talking about varying forms of sh1t.

Grade: D+

Kids, this is “Eddie Murphy”.  He was kinda funny back in the 80’s.

I hereby apologize to Chris Tucker for saying he’s no Eddie Murphy (see ‘Rush Hour’).  With the benefit of hindsight I realize that Tucker is better in ‘Rush Hour’ than Murphy is in this, or pretty much anything else I’ve ever seen him in.  And I’ve seen him in a lot.

I believe that a significant portion of my belief that this was a great movie (since dispelled) came from the fact that I saw it in grade school and compared to ‘Family Ties’ it was a work of comedic brilliance…and really COOL!

Moments of note:
Everything except “Axel F” sounding dated and stupid
Basil-rogue-cop-exposition/Basil-Hills-Cop-exposition
Murphy’s foreshadowing of his brilliant performance in ‘Shrek’
Robocop-exec-as-goodguy
Rosewood the naive effeminate heterosexual

Grade: C+

It’s a superhero soap opera.

Does so-and-so REALLY like so-and-so?  Does so-and-so REALLY have a crush on so-and-so?  And what about so-and-so’s dark secret???

So it’s all very obvious, like a soap opera always is, but it’s fairly entertaining if you can get past the shallowness of almost all the characters and just enjoy it as a sci-fi-ish action/adventure flick.

Grade: B-