Month: January 2013

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hobgoblins (1998)

Unusually good for a post-Joel/Frank/Trace episode.

Helped greatly by a movie both completely cr@ppy and perfectly ripe for mockery: interesting enough in an awful way to prevent sleep/boredom and allow enjoyment of pretty good riffing.

Highlights:
amazingly wonderful characters
funky dance party
plot depth

and paraphrased guest highlight:
“Club S.C.U.M.”
“Oh, please…call me Club S.”
“No, I would rather go back to calling you Club S.C.U.M., Club S.C.U.M.”

Grade: B-

Jon Stewart – Political/Social Commentator (And Comedian)

Ordinarily (that is, 99 times out of 100) I would agree with Jon Stewart and disagree with Chris Wallace.  Because I am, in fact, a moderate liberal in my general political/social outlook.

But for Stewart to call Wallace “insane” for correctly pointing out that Stewart makes CONSTANT mocking political/social commentaries, using humor, as a means of provoking change (see “Satire”) is just plain wrong.

Stewart is extremely intelligent, and so I can’t assume that Stewart doesn’t KNOW what he’s doing.  Therefore, the only other conclusion is that he’s lying when he pretends not to know. At least, I can’t think of another one.

Almost all of Stewart’s bits have a political/social context.  And he makes quite clear how he stands on each issue.  Why noone outside of the insane far-right has the guts to point this out at once sickens and amazes me.  I mean, you hate sheep, but you BAAAA in response to this guy? I know he’s really smart and it takes guts to potentially incur his wrath, but come on…let’s not be hypocrites or cowards, eh?  Isn’t that what we hate so much?

So, sorry Jon, but you’re a liar.  You KNOW your show is a liberal-slanted political/social commentary show, NOT a straight “comedy” show.  I mean, you’re not an idiot.  You’re actually VERY intelligent, and most of the time I agree with you, which makes it very difficult for me to point out the fact that you are, in reality, a liar.

Sorry.  But you’re a really GOOD, FUNNY liar!

At least, I’m 6.9 on all that.

Point of commentary: THINK FOR YOURSELF!  Anyone that gets ALL their “news” from ‘The Daily Show’/’The Colbert Report’ is just as ignorant as those that get ALL their “news” from Faux News.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Scandal

Scandal (1982)

One decent Smith song, no decent Smyth songs.  But it’s short.

Grade: D

The Warrior (1984)

A poor man’s sellout Heart.  Although they did write the best one themselves. 

Re: the cover – Better than Herman Menderchuk.
(“Beat Of A Heart”)

Grade: C

In Search Of Lovecraft (2009)

Spoiler: They don’t find him.  Why not?  He’s dead, that’s why not.

An alarming trend: Movies-as-documentaries, to justify the sh1tty quality.

Consistently dull and tedious.  And pretentious.  Try ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’ instead.

1:19:19 – There’s logistically illogical blood on that thar face!
1:23:39 – Suggested rewrite: “Haikiba!”

Favorite Scene: Driving on a road, cut to view of Earth from space, back to driving on road.  Just to give us a better sense of where exactly they are.

Grade: F

Robert Plant

Pictures At Eleven (1982)

After listening to this several times, I could finally remember the songs that had the best hooky riffs: “Burning Down One Side” and “Fat Lip”.  But I still had no idea what they were about, nor did I care.

Grade: C-

The Principle Of Moments (1983)

It’s pretty pop atmosphere in contrast to his previous album’s hardish rock hooks.  But Plant isn’t the same without Page, and exactly one song on this album has more than atmospheric charm.
(“In The Mood”)

Grade: C

Shaken ‘N’ Stirred (1985)

The meaningless little ditty is “Little By Little”.  That’s the “good” song.

Grade: D-

Now And Zen (1988)

Nothing worthwhile except the single, which is hooky and hilarious.
(“Tall Cool One”)

Grade: D

Young Guns (1988)

Most of this is just cheap action/”drama” flick, all noise and commotion and trite “sentimentality”…adolescent instead of adult, which was perfect for me at the time it came out, but not so much now.  I used to hate when that happened…now I can generally see it coming.

But I enjoy this movie (somewhat) as a guilty pleasure.

Mainly because of Emilio Estevez as Billy the Kid: Smiling like an evil cherub, fresh-faced and harmless back-and-forth with cold-blooded and merciless, fearless and with lots of wisecracks at both ends that he finds hilarious even if noone else does.  And sometimes I do.

Quality admired in the real Billy: Loyalty.

Inspirational Quote: “Hey Peppin…Charlie Crawford ain’t with ya anymore.”

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Gotta love Billy. Grade: C-

The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu (2009)

If you take this (as you should) as a lighthearted, tasteless, self-mocking treatment of its subject matter (which, while admittedly brilliant, is ripe for such a treatment)…it’s sorta fun.  Coulda been a lot BETTER, but not bad.

Inspirational Quote: “I’ll never be your dungeonmaster again.”

Grade: C

Pupdate – 1/23/13

Regarding:
Inaccurate percentages in ‘Analysis Of “Goths – Analysis of a Subculture (By Puppy)”‘
‘Worshipping the Inevitable – Satire by Puppy’
‘Why The Ignorant Deny Beauty and Love’
‘Gore Film Afficionados – Analysis of a Subculture (By Puppy)’
‘Goths – Analysis of a Subculture (By Puppy)’

Some people feel intense sorrow, pain, depression and other “negative” emotions because it’s just how they are, others because they’ve experienced intense suffering of some sort.

How anyone (myself included) can in any way fault anyone like this for how they feel is, at this point, beyond me.  How you act can be faulted, but not how other people act TOWARDS you.

And feelings are never “wrong”, nor are they “right”…they simply are.  From positively perpetually happy to abysmally sad/depressed.

Apologies to anyone I offended by my snide, arrogant complete ignorance regarding this.

-Puppy

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog (2008)

How many different variations do Joss Whedon fans really need on Joss Whedon? 

Wittiness having flatlined at the same level for years, fairly amusing, kinda sweet, kinda sappy, kinda cliche, teen-angst “romantic”, eye-roll inducing and hard to take at times, mainstream enough for a normal person but made for a dork, dumb enough for everyone but made for a 21-35 year old demographic, that guy from ‘Firefly’…over and over and over again, in different settings.

This one’s got sh1tty songs, too!

Grade: D

Minority Report (2002)

Visually and thematically brilliant.

Intelligent, provocative, creepy, and well-written.

Cruise’s character functions with the precision and speed of a highly effective machine.  No surprise, since it’s Tom Cruise.  Although he does show one emotion very convincingly: Anger.

At one point there’s an act of timing that makes that one really impressive moment from ‘Ink’ watchable, without having to watch ‘Ink’.

Peter Stormare plays an intelligent weirdo.  Big surprise.  He plays him very well.  Bigger surprise.

Let me guess:  There are people today who don’t find this frightening, but rather a comforting hope for the (according to some of what I’ve read, very near) future.  After all, with continued technological and scientific advancement inherently comes continued human moral advancement.

Just have to work the kinks out.

One hour, 32 minutes: Behold, the on-your-knees worship of ultimate biological perfection.  The machine has not become the ultimate human being, the human being has become the ultimate machine.  Does it make any difference?

Dig the efficient, fully automated factory…human workers required: NONE!

One problem: The ending is too quick and too simplistic compared to the rest.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…I like you, so…”

Grade: A

3/29/17: “Specify.” The mistake made is completely out of character, given all the rest. It’s like Spock’s mishandle in ‘Balance Of Terror’.

“In other words, he…”
“And that, is impossible.”

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – A very good clip from a mediocre episode.

I wonder how many people are disappointed at the final target. A$$holes. Grade: A

Karate-Robo Zaborgar (2011)

Great, Japan.  You’ve made the stupidest movie in the history of the world.

I was going to explain in detail how AWFUL every single thing about this movie was until I realized I just couldn’t stop laughing.  For the first part.  During the second part I went back and forth between laughing, yawning, and checking how much time was left.

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t want to watch this.”

Grade: C-

The Theatre Bizarre (2011)

Quick setup into short movies.  The intro is decent and (more importantly) quick and the interludes/finale are well-made and, as advertised, both theatrical and bizarre.

First feature: Very silly.  GREAT relationship: He obviously is with her for her amazing conversational abilities (and she’s great in the sack).  She obviously is with him because she shares his deep spiritual/historical curiosity (and he’s great in the sack).

Second feature: Well-acted and fairly convincing.  Ah…L’Amour.

Third feature: Tom Savini directing…opening reaction: YAY!
Abusive husband deals with some very disturbing dreams.  Intelligent and creepy.  And gory, of course…Savini’s gotta flex the mastery he’s developed over the years.  Nay, decades.

Fourth feature: Ruminations on life and death.  Fairly interesting.

Fifth feature: Clever, creepy, gory, thought-provoking, and extremely disturbing.  The best.

Sixth feature: Sickeningly-sweet ruminations on inane breakup cliches and shallow, self-centered, self-absorbed scumbags.

It’s all quite gruesome and somewhat artsy, but if you can deal with (or prefer) that sort of thing, it’s pretty good overall.

Grade: B-

V/H/S (2012)

Mostly hype. 

A collection of short horror films with a bad setup to get to them.

As far as such things go, it’s pretty well made.  It’s not intentionally ragged/chaotic to adhere to the “setup”.  It’s intentionally ragged/chaotic because that’s easier and a LOT cheaper to make, and some people prefer it.  Call me a cynic, but I’m 6.9 on that.

Unfortunately the only “shorts” worth watching beyond technical achievement awards are the first (which begins when they pop in the first tape) and the last (which begins after the setup screeches to a halt).

First: ‘When Horrible Things Happen To Drunk Men’
Fifth: ‘Random Creepy Sounds And Images’

Fifth doesn’t begin til around 1:39:30.  Everything in between is useless sh1t.

Grade: D

Same-Day Edit: Ok, so it’s creepy throughout.  So is a bad ‘Twilight Zone’ episode.  You know, the ones where it’s all buildup buildup buildup and then BAM…nothing.  That’s this movie, except for the first short (which is pretty scary as well as creepy) and the mish-mash ending (which doesn’t make much sense to me but IS very creepy, and chaotic, and has a real ending). 

So watch the first, skip to 1:39:30, watch the chaos until you’ll-know-when, turn it off, and pretend the rest was any good.  Because it wasn’t.  Grade: D+

Obama To Use The Phrase “So Help Me God” In Oath Of Inauguration

If he does nothing else in his second term, the wave of fervent, seething CA/A angst this has already produced (particularly amongst the very same liberals who struggled mightily to achieve this moment) almost brings a tear to my eye.  I don’t care if he MEANS it…just that him choosing to say whatever words he wants to say (you know…freedom of speech/expression) makes people who supposedly support free speech get so foamy at the mouths.

BTW, memo to Stephen Hawking: a woman has a vagina, as opposed to you having a penis. 

Hope that helps you understand.

Other than that, to suggest that “women” are a complete mystery is ignorant, sexist, and just plain dumb.

Let me splain, Steve…women are like men, only female. 

Like men, they have WILDLY varied personalities, beliefs, temperaments, etc, etc etc…depending on the INDIVIDUAL, not the sex organs.

You know…they’re not all the same.  There’s no equation for them.

On the good side…he DID come up with this gem of a quote, which I completely agree with (and which must really irk some of his devotees): “People who boast about their IQ are losers.”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Dragonslayer (1981)

As D+D/fantasy movies from my childhood go, this doesn’t hold up anywhere near as well as ‘Clash Of The Titans’.  The special effects are pitiful even by the standards of the day, and the story is utterly simplistic.

But I can’t help but retain a certain fondness for it…and it did in some small way help inspire my subsequent (and lasting) love for fantasy/roleplaying.  Who knows, without this and movies like it I might never have gleefully selected the relatively new ‘Monster Manual’ as a prized birthday gift: great cover, and perfect for repeated front-to-back readings on rainy days.  It’s wise to study the ways of one’s enemies, after all.

Anyone under 30 but older than, say, 8 and anyone with no interest in D+D should ignore this.

Nostalgia fans and hard-core fans of the genre will probably enjoy it in a wistful way, perhaps even smiling slightly at the relative simplicity and innocence of the story and of the time, in reality, that it evokes.

Grade: D

Underworld (2003)

Ok, so supposedly this is Vampires/Werewolves For Morons.

And in a lot of ways, it is.  The story is often cliche and never really surprising in any way.  Aside from Kate Beckinsale and (to a lesser extent) Scott Speedman, and maybe a coupla others with bit parts so who gives a sh1t, the acting is pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The “romance” is pretty predictable, but it’s still kinda fun to watch because it involves the only two relevant characters that aren’t pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The FX are good and it’s very stylish and dark in a smooth, seemingly effortless way.  Which is great during action scenes, but useless when something has to be acted out, explained, or discussed.

Based on her acrobatic ability, deadliness, funky black outfit and taste for blood I dub Beckinsale’s character ‘Aeon Sux’. She speaks with a British accent so that makes her more interesting, of course.  And what she says by definition has more meaning, as well.

So yeah, it’s pretty fcken dumb.  But it’s well-made enough that it’s a bit of fun if you like this sort of thing.  Vampires, werewolves, forbidden romances, dark gothiness, extreme pretension…stuff like that.

Further installments promise to suck.

As for sides, how can you take one?  I mean, what do the vampires and werewolves both do?  They try to kill each other.  Isn’t that what different groups of humans do? 

Extreme power, same base unevolved morality.

I’ll take the guard dogs any day.  If only the vampires hadn’t imitated humans yet again, and taught them to be vicious when they’re born to be loving.

Grade: D+

The Devil Inside (2012)

I wondered, at first, why this was a popular view on Netflix streaming recently.  Then I thought, “Hey…wasn’t this actually a REAL movie-theater movie recently?”.  Then I found out it totally bombed.  Then I realized WHY it was available on Netflix streaming.  Then I realized that when it comes to new horror movies, beggars can’t be choosers.

Professional waste of time.  Except for the extra that decides to check out the lead’s a$$.

Grade: F

Hall & Oates

The Very Best Of Daryl Hall & John Oates (2001)

What exactly were they exceptional at, in any way?

I heard most of these hits when they were fresh, and even then they seemed like second-class pop-by-numbers.  And I was a CHILD.

The fact that I can’t deny the hooks doesn’t mean they add up to much of anything.

Grade: D

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: A Historical Perspective (1994)

Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man who achieved great things.

But this documentary isn’t great.  It’s a simple recital of facts, as dry as a textbook but not as informative.  Everything contained in it is better off read/researched, as there is very little emotional appeal to this presentation.

Grade: D

Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits

It’s very difficult for a documentary to stink.

You do your research, you get your footage, you have someone recite the lines, you film it, you stop.

So after seeing legions of terrible movies, the simple competence almost inherent to the documentary form was a welcome relief.

But simple competence isn’t enough…there have to be flashes of insight, moments of inspiration, true revelations that are moving in at least some way.

If not, you might as well just research the subject online.

Therefore, I’m going through my documentary grades and editing them with this in mind.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

How To Train Your Dragon (2010)

What technically is the main story: the “vikings”, training, dragon life, humans vs. dragons…is merely ok.  A lot of the dialogue is mediocre/predictable, a lot of the characters are boring, and even some of the DRAGONS are boring.

The three things that make this movie worth watching:
The impressive visuals, particularly the flying scenes (which at their best recall ‘Avatar’).
The score, which seems to mesh most effectively when paired with a flying scene and/or boy/dragon scene.
The friendship between boy and dragon, which is truly touching and the REAL focus of the movie.

Most of the other relationships seem forced, inserted out of necessity, and/or sappy/dull.

There’s a movie-long allegory here about not judging books by their covers, mutual acceptance, respect of differences between all, etc…which I AGREE with completely, but it’s a bit too obviously stated for me.  And I already knew all of that.

So it’s a bit too childish…great for kids both to watch and enjoy and to hopefully learn from, but too dumbed-down for my taste.  I still enjoy it, though…I just think, every time it hits a high point and then drops to a low point, that it could have been a lot better if it was more ambitious.

GREAT ending, though.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…we have…DRAGONS.”

Grade: B-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 26)

Ok, so there’s that terrible movie ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate’.

Now, I know from its use in the movie that “Manos” is intended as a proper name for some sort of demon or something, but I also infer from the hands on the weird high mucky-muck’s robes that it’s a reference to hands.  Also, the title is a bit of a giveaway…and “manos” does mean “hands” in Spanish.

So my question is…for the ultra-sought-after foreign releases of ‘Manos’, how is it titled?

Like, in countries whose primary language is Spanish, it would make sense for it to be called:

‘Hands: Las Manos Del Destino’?

That’s Plannin’, Isn’t It? Forethought.

Brendon Ayanbadejo: The Art Of Working The Officials

Call it a hunch, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that what Ayanbadejo was really saying translates to the following, four or five times in a row:

“My team and I are very worried that we won’t be able to stop the Patriots’ no-huddle hurry-up offense.  Therefore, even though it’s perfectly legal to snap the ball on offense once the offense is set at the line and the signal is given by the referee, regardless of whether the defense has “set itself” the way it wants (come on, it’s football…any quarterback who politely waits patiently while the defense sets itself until given a “thumbs up” ready-to-go signal by a LB may be a gentleman, but he’s also a MORON), since that hurts our chances to win I want to try to stop it.  So I’ll just comment OVER and OVER hinting at the “illegality” of it, even though it’s not illegal, and hope it has at least some subconscious effect on the way the referees call the game.  Hey, it can’t hurt.”

Pretty smart, really.  Not very gentlemanly, though.  But WTF cares?  It’s football, get over it.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

John Landis is one of the few voices of “Yes, this IS a sea of sh1t” reason amongst a vast array of people trying to give any meaning at all to cr@ppy 70’s exploitation films shot in the Philippines.  So most of this documentary is as meaningless as those movies, but it’s fun to laugh at, especially at the pretentiousness of some of the “This has real value!” proponents, most notably Roger Corman.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012)

OK…up to around the 57-58 minute mark this movie is just really: stupid, silly, campy, ridiculous, and disgusting.  But I am fairly certain all the time I’m watching that it was meant to be, and this assurance and hope for eventual payoff keeps me somewhat interested.

Then something happens (wait for it…), and it just reaches that ‘Dead Alive’ level of sublime absurdity that is actually quite rare, both by movies TRYING to reach it, and by those that just happen to reach it by accident.  Therefore it becomes interesting to laugh at and say/think “What the FCK is this???”, if you don’t mind complete tastelessness/camp.

Think ‘RoboCop’ meets ‘Star Wars’ in some really silly alternate universe.

Re: ‘Pupdate – 1/14/13’: I said “soon”.

Inspirational Quote: “I wanna go home!”

Grade: C-

Deep Space (1988)

Nein.

Time spent coming up with pre-emptive review: 2 seconds.

Time spent watching movie as a necessary evil to fully and completely confirm the accuracy of pre-emptive review: 5,441 seconds.

That’s the painful but necessary price of critical integrity.

This is INCREDIBLY bad, making me wonder why it wasn’t MST’d…it’s basically ‘Mitchell’ meets a really dull, sad version of ‘Alien’ while listening to WKRP in Cin-ci-nahhh-ti.

Grade: F-

Pupdate – 1/13/13

“You have 218573 Total Visits“

Well, Young and Cobain both said it’s better to burn out than fade away…

So…

Hmmm…here goes…

“I, Puppy, hereby decide to give up all my ideals and principles and all the work I’ve put into this for almost 2 1/2 years.  In short, ladies and gentlemen, I surrender.

Yours Humbly,

Puppy.”

*Moderate Pause*

“Oh…

P.S. – I changed my mind, kiss my a$$!” (He really was a funny guy).

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Divisional Playoff)

Apparently commercial writers think all football fans are complete morons.

Latest brilliant nugget:

Apparently (X) tv service is better than riding on a motorcycle with a woman sitting on the seat behind you dressed in a leather-ish outfit and carrying two crossbows with a burning bolt in each which she shoots into the air as you spin the motorcycle around and they fly up and explode and turn into a blazing tiger head figure.

Who knew?

Dracula: The Vampire & The Voivode (2008)

The information on Vlad the Impaler DOES come, after about 45-50 minutes.  Until then it’s basically a study of Bram Stoker and the influences on the creation of his most famous book.  And near the end it turns into a documentary/tourist guide of Romania.

Sometimes it’s quite interesting and at other times it’s dull…it could have been much better given the subject matter.

Also, it features a woman who seems WAY too interested in vampires.  I’m not an expert on body language, but if you gently play with your hair while talking about “sexy” and “beautiful” vampires, I’m gonna guess that suggests something.  (boom-chikka wah wah).

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

The Value Of Scientific Proof

Every hundred (or less, or more?  Dunno…I can’t prove it either way, but I’m 6.9 it’s around that) years or so the previous “scientific facts” are “proven” to be wrong.

That’s just dumb.

Conclusion: If you put all your Faith (Ha!) in science and adhere to it like an obstinate tick without regard for anything else, you are an illogical moron.

Recent Headline: ‘Largest Structure In Universe, Large Quasar Group, Challenges Cosmological Principle’

Basically scientists proudly announced the proven existence of something that was widely assumed by scientists could not/should not exist.

Brilliant.

P.S.: I have a theory on Richard Dawkins’ degree of certainty of the non-existence of God.  My theory goes as follows and begins now- Richard Dawkins is repressing some sexual desire. 

I think the fact that he chose to separate the six and the nine by a period might also indicate a certain line which he simply will not cross.  Or WILL HE?

Boom-chikka-WAH WAH!

-Puppy >.< Yip!