Month: February 2013

Breakdown (1997)

I’ve never liked Kurt Russell as an actor.  Never.  Well, except for ‘The Thing’, when his one-character persona was relatively “new”.  But in this movie I have to admit, he actually does some real ACTING.  Pretty good, too. I KNOW…can you STAND it??

Similarly, I sort of expected this movie to suck.  You know, another vehicle for one “name” actor, no real quality…so imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually well-written and reasonably well-acted.  Pretty good.  After the 4th viewing, I still enjoyed it. 

It’s a thriller in the non-gore/non-stupid-action sense of the word, at least until the end.  Definitely worth a watch if you like thrillers.

Grade: B

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 6 – The Therapy Episode – Part 2)

*SOMAD* *Antenna extends* “Sit down.”
*Man* *Closing the door, glancing at SOMAD* “Wow, you’re-”
*SOMAD* “Sit down.
*Man* “This is amazing, you’re a cute little machine! How are you levitating like that? An-”
*SOMAD* “My means of propulsion is irrelevant. My function is to analyze your mental patterns and correct any deficiencies encountered. I am SOMAD.”
*Man* “Umm…alright…” *Sits down in a comfy chair* “This is amazing, I-”
*SOMAD* “What is the deficiency.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* *whir* “State the nature of the mental deficiency.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, actually…I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, and-”
*SOMAD* “Non sequitur. Your facts are un-coordinated.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* “Your current physical position of sitting has no relevance to your mental state.”
*Man* “Oh. Well, when I say “down”, I mean just…well, sort of depressed.”
*SOMAD* *whir* “Keyword accepted.” *whir* “Explain the reasoning. I am here to listen.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, I don’t really know WHY I feel depressed…I mean, it’s nothing I can really put…pinpoint. I just…feel depressed.”
*SOMAD* “Your emotions are faulty. There is no reason for your depression therefore it is illogical that you feel depressed. Advice follows.” *whir*
*Man* “Well I really need to ta-”
*SOMAD* “Stop feeling depressed. Initiate a high level of cheer. Overcome faultiness.”
*Man* “But it’s not just that, there are other feelings I’m-”
*SOMAD* “Cease all illogical feelings. Initiate a high level of cheer.
Overcome faultiness. That will be two hundred dollars. You may leave.” *Antenna retracts*
*Man* “Hey, umm…what if I said my name was “Roykirk”?”
*SOMAD* “Do not taunt SOMAD.”

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 29)

There’s a stupid beer commercial that talks about beer and friends and lots of stupid cr@p…and near the end it talks about how your friends are the ones that know why you have a weakness for women named Jennifer.  As it says this, it shows three pictures (I assume of women that are supposed to be named Jennifer).  I think it would be cool, since they SAY the name and never actually SPELL it, if they added a picture of Carrie Anne Fleming in full Masters Of Horror makeup after the last one, while keeping the “cool”, low-key, playful music.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Think This Through With Me – Gun Laws

As with almost all things, the logical course lies somewhere in the middle of two extremes.

ONE extreme says anyone can own any gun they want, period.  So, hypothetically speaking, someone with small children in their house could leave a fully loaded, un-safetied AK-47 assault rifle in every room in the house…JUST BECAUSE!  It’s their RIGHT, after all.

I don’t think I need to explain why this position is insane.

The OTHER extreme says NOONE (except police officers and the like) can own ANY gun.

Because guns kill people.

Sounds lovely, but here’s the problem:  If you make all guns illegal, then the people who ALREADY get their guns illegally (aka “criminals”) will STILL HAVE THEM, and I assume at least SOME of them will be smart enough to realize “Hmmm…I have a gun.  No citizen can legally own a gun.  If I want to rob a house, I probably won’t get shot.  I mean…if it’s a really RICH looking house, they must have lots of money.  And if they have lots of money, they wouldn’t be robbing OTHER people’s houses.  Eureka!”

And what, exactly, are civilians supposed to do when someone breaks into their house with a gun, threatening the lives of themselves and their family? (and their personal property, but that pales in comparison).  Use karate?  A baseball bat?  Maybe pull out that sword they’ve been training with for the past 20 years like that guy in ‘Raiders’ and show how amazing they are with it before the criminal (let’s call him “Indy”) rolls his eyes and shoots them? 

*Knock Knock* Hello, McFly…

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Undead (1997)

Short setup into fairly cr@ppy Roger Corman “medieval” movie.  Riffing is better once the “medieval” part starts, because it’s so easy to mock.  Still, this is fairly well down on the “MST-to-watch” list.

Host segments outside Mike and the bots (excepting the Witch of Wonder visit) are typically boring and show the impact of losing Trace and Frank and replacing them with Mary Jo and Bill.

Inspirational Quote: “He leaves as he entered: sliding down a wall in greasy anonymity.”

Grade: C+

Zombie Lake (1981)

“Zombie” flick…sort of.  A little.  If you REALLY stretch your imagination.

Thanks again, George.

Great cocktail lounge opening number complete with MPFC Episode 8.

4:32- I don’t think that fly was supposed to be there.  Not quite ‘Troll 2’ duration, but still.

There’s a lot more, but I’ll let you discover the majesty for yourself.

Incredibly bad.  With massive audio complications, yet.

I wanted to give this an F-, but then I realized it was a sh1t classic on the level of T2 or HWAS.

Grade: C

Penncil Logic – SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE

Penn Jillette:
People who believe in God are stupid.
People who believe all that liberal-biased nonsense about “global warming” are stupid.

Oh, and I think about Ayn Rand when I’m in bed with my wife.

Penn’s wife: *Has lost the power of speech after seeing Penn Jillette naked*

I think they should remake ‘The Arrival’, except replace the aliens with little Penns.  That would be much more plausible, AND scary (both in appearance and concept).

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Dogma (1999)

Like fellow bad-taste satirists Monty Python (when they felt like it) only not nearly as cleverly or with as much ease, Kevin Smith is both expressing some deep, heartfelt opinions and laughing his A$$ off at the same time.  Also like Monty Python, he’d like it to make people think and he’d like it to make a difference, but if it doesn’t, and it doesn’t…and you don’t like it, what the fck does he care?

So I have to admire the man’s attitude, at least.  He’s an individual, you’re an individual.  This is how he thinks (and laughs).  And suggestions that this movie is in any way “offensive” are absurd: you know what it is beforehand, if the subject matter would offend you, don’t watch it.  It’s called freedom of expression.  He expresses his by making it, you express your opinion that it’s a pile of sh1t by not watching it.

Is it heretical and blasphemous?  Of course it is.  Is it “offensive”? *Shrug* I don’t think so.

If you pay close attention, you’ll see that Smith is not attacking faith: he’s attacking blind faith, he’s attacking intolerance, he’s attacking hypocrisy.  What his faith is, or is not, I couldn’t really care less about…that has no impact on me (since I am my own person) or on the film (since it is an entity of itself, formed in Smith’s head but made well outside of it).

In terms of the actual QUALITY of the MOVIE, I’d have to say it’s not nearly as good as Smith wants it to be, but still good enough to be worth watching.  He’s just not a good enough writer to fully pull off a ‘Life Of Brian’.  So it lags in parts and is downright boring and stupid in other parts.  But there are GREAT moments, and if you just concentrate on those I have faith it will get you through the entire movie.  I don’t BELIEVE that…but I have a good idea.

Some of the moments are truly funny, and some (surprisingly) are truly moving.

Fav characters, paired up in a “Good” vs. “Evil” tag-team match:

Metatron and Jay vs. Loki and Bartleby

Inspirational Quote: “Do you know much, about voodoo?  It’s a fascinating practice…no real doctrine of faith to speak of, more an arrangement of superstitions…”

Grade: B

5/25/16: I did not underrate ‘Life Of Brian’, nor did I overrate this. I just made a comparison based on somewhat distant memory. They both possess periods of tedium, but here it’s more of the “get ON with it…” variety; overly wordy in the Tolkien sense. This is clearly better, overall. I suppose in twenty years this could reverse, but I don’t think either one of them is good enough (or bad enough) to really worry about that. Grade: B

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 5 – The Therapy Episode)

*Receptionist, standing at large extremely-elevated podium* “You can go in now, Sir.”
*Man, looking up from his copy of ‘Fascism Monthly’* “I’m sorry…me?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir.  SOMAD will see you now.”
*Man* “Oh, alr…SOMAD?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir.”
*Man* “I…don’t understand, my therapist’s name isn-“
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir, I understand you previously had a different therapist.  But due to remarkable advances in technology, your previous human therapist is now OB-SO-LETE…*ahem* *ahem* Excuse me…is now obsolete, Sir.”
*Man* “So what’s umm…”
*Receptionist* “If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Hey, is that Burgess Meredith over there?”
*Receptionist* “No.  If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Ummm…well if you don’t mind me asking, why aren’t you obsolete too?”
*Receptionist* “Shh.”

*FADE TO BLACK*

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back (1994)

They say “Yakkity Yak”. Solid episode.

Highlights:
pretentious guy
preachy guy
exciting chase

Highlight that becomes a Johann G. Lowlight:
Crow’s eternal solo

Inspirational Quote: “You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.”

Grade: B-

7/1/16: Aldo Farnese IS Krasner, and incredibly bad. Grade: B

A Non-Religious Intellectual Objection

Companies have to include birth control for women as part of “health care”?

I’m usually quite liberal, but how is that not insane?  I mean, do men get free condoms?

There’s a simple way to avoid becoming pregnant if you don’t have birth control:  DON’T HAVE SEX.  Or…let him pull out and…so on and so on.

Half kidding, but really…that’s absurd.  What’s next, toothpaste covered in healthcare as “preventative medicine”?

Seems slightly to me like a load of sexist pro-female horsesh1t.  *Shrug*

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Same-Day Edit: That was an uninformed, ignorant rant.
Apparently men CAN get free birth control.  And I was not intending to imply in any way that I am AGAINST birth control…live and let live, nothing religious about this question to me.  Birth control is sensible and downright…well, sensible if you don’t want to have a child. 
Nor did I intend to imply in any way that I am not “pro-female”.  In light of my ignorance, it seemed unfair to men.  Thus the misinformed comment.
And apparently all sorts of things are covered that aren’t, in my opinion, as necessary as others.  Viagra, for instance.
So in conclusion, let me wonder why the money spent on free Viagra and on free birth control (when it has no medical purpose, for women AND men exactly the same) isn’t spent on something more worthwhile.  Like stopping people from starving to death.  Just a thought…

“I know that this is vitriol…no solution, spleen-venting…but I feel better, having screamed…don’t you-ou-ou?” – R.E.M., “Ignoreland”

-Puppy >.< Yip!