Thrilling expedition into the newly found continent of Smallus Islandus Rockus Climbus Stupidus.
The saddest moment was when I wondered if perhaps ‘Congo’ ripped off the ending.
Highlights:
rock climbing (dismal but brilliant…?)
white male reality sketch
cool thing
sameness as youness speech
ending bits
solid riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Why do the violins always trill when he’s climbing?”
Grade: B-
Recent ad for a phone that was “brilliant” because it could:
Determine the square root of : (7 to the 3rd power – 19), divided by 4.
Wow…the ‘Rain Man’ CA/A’s must be clamoring for this.
I mean, FINALLY, a feature we can actually USE in everyday life.
NOTE: It may have been 17 instead of 19, I’m only 6.3 on that…but still, a vital feature.
Cr@ppy biker movie, featuring cr@ppy music, dancing, and acting.
Highlights:
intro stuff (Gypsy’s Richard Basehart wail, tapping the Servo, Frank’s noise)
eloquent piece of low-life scum
Kix/Wild Rebels cereal
song-mocking sketch
decent riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Oh, just cuz I’m white you think I can play the blues!”
Grade: C+
Lots of stock footage and exposition shots and a little jungle worship/rescue/drama story.
Highlights:
Dr. “Sax” Forrester
Bela mocking (most Phantom Creeps are pretty dull, but part one is well-mocked)
Phantom Creep mocku-info-mercial
Joel’s wonderful world of scopes
pretty good riffing
ending origin of Art Crow
Inspirational Quote: “Uhh, when you were in flight school did they teach you how to scream?”
Grade: B-
When you think about it, it’s kinda sad to realize that if there had been even one person aboard the Titanic who was good at using games, activities, and/or humorous anecdotes to relax a group of people to help them get to know each other, that whole disaster might never have happened.
One man’s vision of a time traveller and his adventures becomes dull and stupid in conception. It’s really well-intentioned and all, but it’s just bad – terrible at its worst, totally cliche at its best.
Highlights:
‘Lost In Space’ lure/gag
well-meaning but wimpy hero
time-travel bits with past-Mike
good riffing for most
Inspirational Quote: “So in the future kids become gay agents?”
Grade: B
Concentrating mostly on MST3K episodes until I’ve reviewed all except those I refuse to watch (that would be, after some consideration, any further episode with J. Elvis/Josh Weinstein speaking in it).
Then back to mostly Netflix streaming sh1t with a tendency toward cr@p horror/camp, with the occasional good and even more occasional great movie thrown in.
That is all.
-Puppy
Mediocre, boring sci-fi flick. The first episode with TV’s Frank and without Dr. Erhardt (TGIF).
Riffing isn’t bad but they’re still working the kinks out and this is nothing special (IMPO).
Highlights:
seeing Frank as a trainee
Grade: C
A group of clothing-averse students and their ample-chested teacher pursue a dull creature of legend seen mostly in cr@ppy flashbacks.
Highlights:
flashback mockeries
flashback sketch
consistently pretty-good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get home and not talk to my wife.”
Grade: B-
It’s that really cr@ppy, ultra-cheezy sci-fi flick with that bulky many-named hero.
The movie and accompanying riffing make even the Roman-Era Pearl F. junk somewhat tolerable.
Highlights:
horrific graphics/fx/costumes
horrific script/acting/editing
bulky-guy names
women randomly gyrating around lightning globes
extreme railings
good riffing all the way through
Inspirational Quote: “Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it.”
Grade: A-
4/1/17: Slight over-rate…it takes a little bit to get going. Grade: B
1 – If starving to death, can eat themselves (hot dogs only)
2 – Actually look sad after doing something naughty
3 – Soft white underbelly much more accessible
4 – More fully appreciate the majesty that is bacon
5 – Look much cuter in hot dog buns (small weiner dogs only)
Warning: No zombies. Just lots of people being turned really boring.
Starts off as an extremely dated, wanna-be cool generic 80’s flick.
It’s got a guy that sorta looks like one of the Coreys and another guy that sorta looks like…some other guy that used to be kinda famous. And Michael Madsen’s sister. Nothing much happens except for the main plotline, which involves lots of people going from annoying and stupid to really really dull.
Pretty bad. Not funny, not scary, just pretty bad.
Inspirational Quote: “You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal!”
Grade: F
“Kinda like ‘Manos’ without the lucid plot” – TV’s Frank
Co-starring coffee. Decent riffing.
Highlights:
Why Study Industrial Arts? short
amazing editing errors
sex-for-acid plot
completely unexplained/non movie related off-camera scream
Inspirational Quote: “If only he’d taken an industrial arts class…”
Grade: B- (C/C+ without the short)
6 – Only three required even on the coldest of nights
“There’s less stuff that we don’t understand by a tiny amount.” – George Efstathiou
Layman’s terms is one thing, but since when did scientists start converting to “vague, silly, hard-not-to-mock terms”?
-Puppy >.< Yip!
One of the cheeziest, least scary, most laughable/mockable, least deadly-without-LOTS-of-help monsters ever eats lots of people.
Other star of the movie: extreme voiceover guy
Highlights:
pretension mockery
voiceover guy mockery
politely climbing into the monster
handy life advice from the narrator
good riffing (especially in the first half)
Inspirational Quote: “Yes, they did the nasty.”
Grade: B
See Pearl Forrester for the first time, if you want. Nothing special there.
Movie: Most Dangerous (but STOO-pid) Game feat. Mr. Brady
Riffing: decent
Highlights:
Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm short
tree of death/novelty items/interminable dialogue
Grade: B- (Call it a C without the short)
7 – Much easier to get rollin’
Beach jiggling, shenanigans, and music. All incredibly boring. One of the last to watch if at all.
Highlights: tank tops and the times noone is singing.
Grade: D-
3/21/13: “It stinks!” Grade: F
8 – Spoken English vocabulary, if limited (the top of a house, the texture of sandpaper, the greatest baseball player of all time, etc.)
9 – Much better Curly Howard imitators
10 – Much better poker players
Joel’s last episode: see how he goes and Mike arrives.
Lots of Mike-as-a-temp action and good-vs-bad-plotting action.
Movie: sleazy/lumpy/stupid guy as hero against sleazier guys in dumb and boring crime flick.
Riffing: mediocre…a few good moments and otherwise useful for the between-movie intrigue.
Highlights:
terrifyingly disgusting sex scene
tender love songs and Schlitz
Grade: D+
Voiceover guy co-stars in bad mad-pseudo-scientist movie as Mike and the bots mock it.
Highlights:
community theater love story
imitation exchange
What About Juvenile Delinquency? – I dunno, you tell me.
brilliant kitty imitation
very consistently pretty-good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “I sort-of think, therefore I sort-of am.”
Grade: B
Lots of evil scientist stuff goes on in and around a house.
The short riffing/host segments are much better than the movie riffing, making “watching the shorts and skipping to the host segment bits then turning it off” a good, sensible option.
Or, to be even more efficient, turn it off after the shorts.
Highlights:
hard pills to swallow
Posture Pals/Appreciating Our Parents shorts combo
movie home-game sketch
lingo bits at the end
Grade: C+
Movie alternately boring and dark/”dramatic”, always stupid.
Riffing alternately boring and pretty good.
Highlights:
SOL shenanigans feat. “peep” and Gretchen the slinky
sidehacking commentary/graphics/commentary mocking sketch
“Only Love (Pads The Film)”
Inspirational Quote: “Hai…kiba!”
Grade: C
Cr@ppy ‘E.T.’ ripoff, right down to the food smuggling.
Features lots of pretentious artsy music and cr@ppy fx. And lots and lots of fog.
Highlights:
public domain ka-row-key
“Idiot Control Now”/subsequent mocking sketch/wait-for-it ending reference
pretentious artsy music mocking sketch
pretty good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Bambi, humans are basically good.”
Grade: B-
I was a little worried Louis might have mellowed out a bit, and in the process gotten less funny.
But he hasn’t, at least not that I can tell. Well, maybe SLIGHTLY. But most people won’t notice and the rest probably won’t give a sh1t.
This isn’t QUITE as good as ‘Chewed Up’, but close. And different enough to be worth watching.
Favorite Bits: God’s disgust, wildly inappropriate vendetta rant
Inspirational Quote: “Leave me alone, I’m trying to cheat on your father!”
Grade: B
By all means, let’s bring back the Woolly Mammoth. So we can stick it in a cage and OOOO and AHHHH at it. How very evolved of us.
And of course, let’s bring back all of the species that were hunted to extinction so that they can inevitably be hunted to extinction again. Since, judging by what we’re STILL doing to the environment, we haven’t “evolved” beyond making EXACTLY the same mistakes we did the first time.
Wait, no…a “mistake” is something you do by accident. Change that to “stupid me-first screw-the-next-generation-and-the-planet greedy and arrogant decisions”.
I mean, come on…this is ‘Rain Man’ science. Massive amounts of pure intellect, no wisdom.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Master Ninja Opening!
little break…
Njorl’s Saga-ish backstory/flashback
little break…
Mrs. Premise
cr@ppy Dungeons and Dragons/Conan-type movie
Mrs. Conclusion
Master Ninja Ending!
Highlights:
host intro bits
really cool cr@ppy credits sketch
incredibly pretentious evil guy
not-all-that-deadly pit of growling snakes
foley art sketch
consistently pretty-good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Ouch, I landed on my eight-sided dice!”
Grade: B
If you thought ‘Charlie’s Angels’ was stupid, so did I. This is a lot stupider.
The “serious” parts are utterly cliche and dumb and the “light-hearted” interludes are utterly non-funny and dumb. Easy target, pretty good riffing.
Grade: C+
Fairly dull but not truly horrible western/drama. Riffing = decent.
Highlights:
‘Mirror, Mirror’ Trek parody, esp. seeing Trace and Frank in the theater (for the first part)
J.T. Lemur
Inspirational Quote: “Well here, take her for a drive!”
Grade: C
Cr@ppy Tony Travis vehicle featuring bad songs/bad acting/cliche bad-guy-goes-good story.
Highlights:
extreme pocket billiards
General Hospital short/mocking feat. “The Booze Ditty”
song mocking
sketches, esp. song mocking/teen idol worship/song mocking/mooning Crow/last wishes of T. Servo
consistent riffing
Inspirational Quote: “There are a million stupid stories in the naked city…this is the stupidest.”
Grade: B+
Really bad barely-sci-fi/horror flick.
Highlights:
horribly stupid/cliche “romance”
bad-movie-joke mocking sketch
“California Lady” – Behind The Music
good riffing (better in the first half)
Inspirational Quote: “Oh no, don’t touch it…let me do that.”
Grade: B-
Boring, bad sci-fi flick. More boring than bad, unfortunately.
So is most of the riffing. Just watch the invention exchange.
Grade: D-
Horrible Japanese sci-fi flick that takes itself seriously.
Highlights:
horrific dubbing
the evil chickens of Crank Whore
cr@ppy fx
pretty good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “A rare Godzilla-free day.”
Grade: B-
Bad movie, mediocre riffing, pretty good host segments.
Highlights:
host segments (Basil Rathbones, medieval sketch, Estelle Winwood tributes)
Grade: D
Lots of boredom from the year 1950-something.
Riffing: first half enlivened only by voiceover mockings, second half slightly better.
Highlights:
Over-excited “terror” voiceover and repeated mockings of it.
attacking the water tag-team
Inspirational Quote: “…magazines expect me to perform EVERY time…”
Grade: D
Ed Wood’s exceedingly boring portrayal of the police force’s courageous struggle to protect the public from dangerous slightly-less-than-fully-dressed-women films.
Highlights:
Keeping Clean And Neat short
BRILLIANT fight scene
Wood-en acting
Inspirational Quote: “Someone hit someone or we’re going back to our porn.”
Grade: C+
6/17/16: It’s a horrible movie, of course. But it’s also laughable, as with most Ed Wood; the premise is incredibly stupid and some of the acting just MST’s itself. And the riffing is actually pretty good. Grade: B-
He’s not all that incredible.
No, incredible in the sense of not believable.
Oh.
Riffing: good stuff
Movie: tortuous
Highlights:
Earth vs. Soup: behind the creation process
ultraaaaaaa slooooooo mooooooooooo
cracker controversy
general riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Hodgka!”
Grade: B
Lon Chaney dies, comes back to life, makes lots of incredibly over-acted faces (movie) after a now-boring little slice of the sort of thing that inspired ‘Raiders’ (serial short).
Riffing: Meh.
Highlights:
massive eye action
massive donut joke action
Grade: D
Cr@ppy beach party movie/musical intruded upon by guys in stupid monster suits. Boredom ensues.
Highlights:
cr@ppy lip-synching to even cr@ppier music
BRILLIANT beach fight scene featuring human battering-ram
incredibly mockable scenes/dialogue
pretty good riffing
sodium
Inspirational Quote: “Yes, the sweet majesty of young white Republican love.”
Grade: B-
Listed some places as ‘Time Walker’, but since the movie SUCKS I feel no urgency to be true to the memory of it. It’s introduced by the mads as how I titled it and the opening title says the same, and that’s good enough for me.
Movie: stupid, pretentious adventure/drama/horror with a (sort of) mummy
Riffing: pretty good
Highlights:
Invention exchange: Tragic Moments/Jack Pallinator
BRAINS!
yummy donuts
music mocking
Inspirational Quote: “Ditch the coffin, we got what we need.”
Grade: B-
Movie is scary only if you’re afraid of stock bee footage, but actually slightly interesting at times.
Riffing is decent. Episode is borderline. That is all.
Grade: D
“I don’t WANT anything from you! You’re not a (man)…and you’re not my (father).” – Braveheart
(x2)
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Santa seeks to expand his empire by stretching out his tendrils into…
Nah, just a cr@ppy Christmas movie. Well-meaning, of course, and sweetly stupid.
Very sweet, very stupid.
Highlights:
pony/deciding who lives and who dies/etc…
Wish-Squisher
P. Swayze Xmas song
custumes
laughably cheezy “plot”/”acting”
consistently good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Get the Hell out of my shop!”
Grade: B+
