So I was in the shower, and I came up with an AUTHENTIC (that is to say, NOT original, but truly felt) (2) little comedy bit, with myself (vaguely 3). Obviously I shower alone. Yeah, with nobody else (1). Sad Puppy :(
Anyway…so I thought of this little bit (non-naughty 3) about how, if I was a comedian, which I’m not since I…ok, here’s where it starts to get complicated. Now, I thought to myself, after I thought of the following routine: “No way…you could never do that, you’d crack up too much, and you’d be too nervous.” But then I thought: “Well, while *I* like this little bit I just made up, it’s not that funny, probably, to the average person that isn’t me.” So that eliminated one problem. However, the anxiety problem remains. So, here it is, presented for you, I’m quite excited about it…a rough draft…my first comedy sketch.
*Setting: Open Mic Night, somewhere…everyone gets 5 minutes. I go in the middle somewhere, so the audience is either/both worked up by good stuff or bored to death by sh1t. So, up I walk…*
“Hello. My name is Aaron, but you can call me Puppy. I’ll be your next performer for the evening. (See, this is good if it’s a mixed night)
“I’d like to start off by saying a quick, funny little joke that will endear you, or some of you at least, to me…and the rest will gradually be won over by resultant peer pressure and because I’m so funny. Then, I’d like to do…oh wait, fcked up (4)…I’d like to SAY how much I love being here, and how wonderful and amazing an audience you are, ummm, to further suck up, and make you all feel good about yourselves, because that’s why you came here. Any masochists, leave now. OH! Thank you. That’s not the joke. Here’s the joke…”
“So, you know…the other day (BRILLIANT! 4) I was thinking…what a shame it is, that noone on board the ‘Titanic’ (italics) was skilled at (definition of an “icebreaker”), otherwise that entire tragedy might have been avoided.”
“Thank you.”
“Now, as I said, I thought it might be nice, in the sense of me doing well and you feeling good about yourselves, however briefly…if I said what a wonderful/great/amazing/etc audience you are, especially tonight, so on…but I just realized (5): You’re not. In fact, I hate each and every person in this audience. Every single one. And when I say I hate you, I don’t mean in a generic because-you’re-not-laughing sort of way, or even ANY generic lumping sense of any group or groups of people…I mean that I hate each and every one of you, individually, on a completely justified basis depending on the person. Each and every one of you is a completely disgusting, filthy, shameless abhorrent perverted piece of human garbage and the sight of you makes me want to vomit (adapted 3). Every one. Except you, sir/madam (4). I like you very much. But everyone else, sir/madam, I hate. What is your name, sir/madam? *Pause* Thank you, (insert name here) (4). You, as I said, I like. You’re great, and I’m only going to proceed with this performance for your sake. Everyone else…f#ck em. Really. I’m not joking. All of them. Even person-he/she-is-sitting-with. Even him/her. I hate them, too. Are you dating/married to/interested in them? (4). Well, they’re horrible, sir/madam. I can only say, for what little it’s worth, that at least you’re getting great sex.”
*Pause*
“Oh, yes, that implies that I know he/she intimately. I do. That’s why I hate them so much, possibly even more than anyone else here. But they’re great in the sack (6). Because, yes, we’ve had sex. So I can at least take comfort in that, sir/madam. But they are horrible in every other conceivable way.”
*Pause*
“I’m just joking…I don’t know him/her at all (4), as a person. So I can’t say they’re horrible. I have had sex with them, though, but they weren’t very good at all, I didn’t get their name, they never called me afterward even though they SAID (glance at him/her) they would, and they have a tendency toward flatulence…well, you know.”
*Pause*
“I’d like to acknowledge the following rips: 1,2,3,4,5,6. Thank you. Oh…it was all a joke.”
-Puppy >.< Yip!
1: George Thorogood and the bluesmen he ripped off.
2: Jim Jarmusch
3: Monty Python
4: generic comedians everywhere.
5: Bill Hicks
6: MST3K
