Kids against Grups, BONK BONK on the head planet. Race against extremely nasty virus.
The Big Three in the landing party, plus two red shirts and Yeoman Rand before G’n’R. picked the one he was dating. Or married to…I don’t care.
Highlights:
Miri and the other kid leader’s acting
fairly interesting premise
Spock vs. McCoy, always an interesting conflict
Lowlights:
Rand’s leg line
remarkable timing
no blah blah blah
The pros and cons of androids. Very little Spock, unfortunately.
Highlights:
the premise
Corby’s performance, for the most part
Andrea (for me, at least)
Kirk vs. Kirk
actual emotional involvement
Lowlights:
insufficient Spock
stupidity of the setup
Spockism: “Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term “half-breed”, Captain. You must admit it is an unsophisticated expression.”
Good Kirk split from Evil Kirk. Also known as Shatner’s excuse for yelling at lifeless Trek fans from an old SNL episode:
“GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it’s just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you’re dressed! You’ve turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!”
Highlights:
cute doggies…even the evil one!
the initial premise
Lowlights:
diabolical background lighting for Evil Kirk
diabolical acting by Evil Kirk
diabolical sexual assault joke by Spock (I blame the writer)
Spockism: “I survive it because my intelligence wins out over both – makes them live together.”
It’s about war…OF THE FUTURE. With exploding dinos.
Because I don’t really want to watch them, I’m finishing these last MST reviews slow and steady, like the noble crab.
Highlights:
Fee Tines A Mady
AHHs
a few good jokes
Inspirational Quote: “Well, I am Belgian.”
Grade: D
(And the rest of Pearl Jam)
I like/liked your (good, old) music as much as anyone…but could you please think about your valiant anti-ConsumerWhore stand against TicketMaster before you pimp out your new album, ConsumerWhore style, to baseball games? Thanks.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
The start of uninterrupted Star Trek as we know it. Good episode…lots of interesting visuals and performances. It’s the “emotions to the forefront” virus episode, if you don’t know.
Highlights:
Riley’s eccentric performance
Spock’s dramatic performance
Lowlights:
Kirk’s overly dramatic performance
that whole time warp thing
Sporting News writer David Steele recently wrote an article in which he placed Eli Manning (as part of the New York Giants) as the “8th worst quarterback situation in the NFL”.
Now, I’m no Eli Manning or Giants fan. I mean, they cost my Patriots two Super Bowls.
But saying that Eli Manning is, despite two Super Bowl wins and everything he’s done in the past, and based on seven games (less than half of one season), the (at best) 25th best quarterback in the NFL just goes to prove my long-held belief:
David Steele is a moron.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Really good story concept, and executed pretty well. Man slowly turns into god-like being, absolute power…etc. The last remnants of pre-Trek are featured here in the cast, weird uniforms, etc.
Highlights:
Gary Mitchell’s performance
CREEPY eyes
Lowlights:
leftover rejects from Star Trek Mach 1
Spock’s over-emotion
Lame road movie turns into lame crime movie. With LOTS of dancing, and bad music. Mostly dancing, really…just watch the intro credits for the general plot.
This movie is really scraping and so is the riffing.
Grade: F
Ok so I’m doing Star Trek reviews, and I thought of Riley, so then I thought of that episode he actually talks in, and that guy who complains about being in space after he gets that “special” touch and does his internal monologue. And I think it would have been a LOT better if (using their ability to travel through time to accomplish this) they had that anti-pigs-in-space guy, at the VERY end of his heartfelt rant…PAUSE…and then, in an absolutely FABULOUS and extended syl-la-bles way, belt out his best Thom Yorke and sing “WE DON’T BE-LONG HERE…”, and then just get right back into character.
Yes Charlie, THAT is a girl. Boy howdy.
Moral ambiguity here…some. Which makes it more interesting. It’s somewhat reminiscent of ‘It’s A Good Life’ – not as good or as creepy, but similar in some ways. I get feelings of borrowings from other sources as well, but I can’t quite place them.
Highlights:
Charlie’s performance
the ending except for…
Lowlights:
Kirk’s husband bulge
Spock’s overemotional rec room scene
Rand’s ending overacting
Spockism: “Your illogical approach to chess does have its advantages on occasion, Captain.”
Episode numbers as per Netflix streaming, cuz it’s easier for me.
No moral ambiguity here…dumb, evil creature kills other creatures. Sole purpose of creature’s life: self-preservation. LaVey’s fav episode.
Said creature fails to generate any sympathy because it’s so evil and it dies because it’s so dumb. I mean, here’s a flippin’ idea: go to the mess hall and order salt. Or say “Hi, I’m an alien, I need salt”.
Highlights:
Riley! briefly…no dialogue…
Yeoman Rand…too bad G.R. didn’t date her instead
Lowlights:
incredibly lame search noises
salt stupidity…it can almost TASTE it!
lame stun effect
a rather weak ending
Spockism: “Fortunately my ancestors spawned in another ocean than yours did.”
This is not Star Trek. This is the failed version that got rejected before Roddenberry re-tooled the cast. And what little value it has on its own can be seen later in the superior (and true-to-form) two part ‘The Menagerie’…although I personally don’t care much for that either. At least it’s Star Trek, Jim, as we know it.
Future episodes deemed worthless will be skipped. Since I’m a sucker for this show’s charms, that won’t be many.
No grades for these.
10/20/13: Episode number adjusted for Netflix streaming order cuz it’s easier.
PearlTV bits are surprisingly ok.
Raul Julia brings a small level of interest and class to an otherwise dumb “future”/fascism movie.
“Well, it is an unpleasant (movie), certainly. But I don’t think we had enough of the really gross awfulness we’re looking for.” – Lady Organs
Grade: D
SO FCKEN TIRED of the “X has a higher IQ than Einstein!” celebratory, incredulous headlines.
Yeah, so what the fck have they done? When they USE that IQ to do ANYTHING anywhere NEAR what Einstein did, then it’s a story. Until then it’s the same as “X is in better baseball shape than Babe Ruth!”.
And even then, ask yourself this: If you raise your child so worshipful of the idol of knowledge as opposed to FUN and LIVING that they’re as smart as 99.9 percent of adults by the time they’re ten…WTF is wrong with you?
P.S. Some store in England should sell Deli Rice.
P.P.S. Seamentea
You have 895370 Total Visits.
Coming Soon:
Star Trek TOS reviews (read the edit if you want)
The last of the perhaps-tolerable-MST reviews
More cr@ppy movie reviews
Ripping.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
If you’re thinking about starting your own horrible-movie review blog, here’s a one-size-fits-all starter kit for you.
When you watch your first truly wretched movie (try anything on my F List), review it as follows:
“Well, I’d have t-
Oh, forget it. Just pretend you’re Tom Servo and you’re interviewing Rick Sloane.”
The reference is the end of ‘Hobgoblins’ MST’d, you can make that as clear as you want.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
I don’t have much, but here’s the best of the latest:
Given my seed-sucking on Subeta, I think it’s safe to say the following:
“I am The RestocKing!!!”
When they were describing how Rob Ryan took over a last place defense and is “turning it around” and the usual BS they do when they have nothing smart to talk about, I couldn’t help but groan in that “Oh GOD what a load of sh1t” sort of way. You know the way.
And then, when his defense (which had already given up 23 points to a team with the brilliant WR tandem of Dobson/Thompkins) allowed a game-winning drive to up the total to 30, I couldn’t help but think of Star Trek, TOS, the last episode: “Now, all the years of training and prep- Ooops, I fcked up.”
Oh, and one final thing…I have a suggestion for an edit on those car commercials about “and” being better than “or”:
*Woman* “Isn’t it great that this car I’m a consumer whore for has blankity-blank AND blankity-blank?”
*Man* “Why yes, fellow consumer whore as I am one as well, it is. So much better than blankity-blank OR blankity-blank.”
*Woman* “That’d be like stupidexample OR stupidexamplepart2.
(now, the edits…)
*Man* (Or woman, choose the order, it doesn’t matter) “Ummm…not really, actually. By the way, why are we having this inane fcking conversation?”
OR:
*Man* “Yeah…and is so much better.”
*Woman* “So you’d like a kick in the groin AND a night of frigid non-sex?”
Danny Elfman’s ‘Beetlejuice’ intro theme/Type O Negative – “Black No. 1”
Why am I not saying “my station”?
I’m not a consumer whore. And How!
-Puppy >.< Yip!
It’s about an ugly, unappealing hypnotist/ventriloquist who shows plenty of eye and lid action. Just a lucky coincidence for me after the last one.
It tries to be really dark and scary. It succeeds at dark, and somewhat creepy – reminiscent of a pretty good, extra-long Twilight Zone episode in a way, although it becomes more tedious and less creepy as it goes along.
Highlights:
the movie itself having a mild interest factor(!?!)
Brit jokes
two-person one-man scene
decent riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Smell it. It has a lovely bouquet.”
Grade: C-
Pearl hijacks brainguy’s brain in a fairly amusing opening sketch.
Movie is non-scary horror, or non-exciting thriller featuring an ugly, unappealing hypnotist. Lots of AA closeups with plenty of eye and lid action to showcase this.
Highlights:
lots of SLEEEEP!
newspaper mocking
brilliant standing around and not-acting
pretty good riffing
Inspirational Exchange:
“I shall touch you and soon you’ll be asleep.”
“Oh, like every night.”
Grade: C+
Hey, I didn’t know this til just now…it’s ‘The Search For Ash’.
So it’s instantly that much better, of course.
The standout actors to me are Ernie Hudson (in his 94-95 period of pretty cool serious acting bits) and some of the bit players (one from ‘The Fugitive’, one from you’ll-know-where, etc…). And of course Amy.
The mains, beside Hudson, are…ok. It’s a little too cliched in script, it’s a little too formulaic overall…but it has a moderate entertainment value if you like decent (if unremarkable), well-made action/adventure flicks.
If only I could erase Mitchell.
Inspirational Quote: “Humans are dangerous. Gorillas are very gentle.”
IQ2: *with disdain* “…you should shake this rat from off your neck.”
Grade: C+
9/8/18: “Am I startin’ that again?” Grade: C-
It hurt me very much when we stopped talking, a LONG time ago.
It hurt again when you ignored my heartfelt, sincere attempts to reconnect with you.
And so I said goodbye to you; and in all the time since then you made absolutely no attempt to acknowledge me in any way, shape, or form that would show you had any interest whatsoever in being my friend or even in any way associated with me, at all, ever.
So when I get a random message after all that time saying not much of anything, the only logical response I can think of is:
Have a good life.
I googled it and apparently noone has thought of this before, or at least made it a reality:
Why not open a trendy gift shop appealing to the hip, self-effacing crowd called ‘Pretties For Ewe’?
See Frank on his fairly quick but time-staggered journey to second-banana Heaven, accompanied by Torgo. And an old cheezy slowwwww-paced Mexican horror flick.
Could have been a lot more inspired for a last hurrah.
Highlights:
horrific dubbing
sudden chunky masked guy with spiffy cape
solid evidence that the WWF/E originated in Mexico
decent riffing
Grade: C
