Month: May 2014

Converting notes to review form:

The premise is interesting enough, sure…and the intro is decent.  I actually had my interest sparked a bit in both the subject and the competence level of the film.

But it goes nowhere.  It takes a premise and stretches it as far as possible in terms of “setup” and then just slowly dissolves into poorly acted, scripted, and directed insanity. Disappointing long before the end, but I hoped that at least the ending would be somewhat worth my trouble.  It wasn’t.

None of the players stand out acting-wise, so I don’t buy into any of them or their interactions/frictions, nor do I particularly care what happens to their characters.  Near the end I can sort of see why one of them goes insane (and it’s not abstract), but the acting of the others doesn’t convince me.

The first moment of foreboding (for my possible viewing enjoyment) comes with the first act of insanity, which isn’t slow…it’s just very, very stupid and completely unbelievable.

Features some EXTREMELY annoying noises…just as bad for the viewer as the cast.

Rips: ‘Pet Sematary’, ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’, and of course ‘The Blair Witch Project’; except the reactions aren’t real, the characters aren’t as believable, and it’s in no way original by the year 2010.  In fact, it’s been done to death, and this is a pointless and mostly worthless variation.

Featuring a motivational speech on neck-breaking.

Grade: F

10/3/15: Eh.  Upped a notch for mood/intro.  It still sucks.  Grade: D-

Not “found” films; “cheezily and laughably stolen” films.

The thieves have pretty bad taste, too.

First: Old puppeteer clings to his puppet obsession, conflicting with British lad and his mum.  Features a couple of extremely unnecessary in-out zooms, “Wayne’s World” style, and a really dumb chase.  Awfully bad.

Second: Quite dull until very close to the end, where a mildly interesting twist fails to save it.  Sadly, the best of the bunch.

Third: Sillier and sillier story about a house with a strange self-defense system based on garden gnomes and blinking lights.

The post-third ending is very short but terrible.

Grade: F

First half: Somewhat creepy, good makeup/fx for most interesting scene: no gore but fairly disturbing (see, it CAN be done!), acting/script seem a BIT wooden at times, fade…

Second half: Decent fx for not-so-key scenes, greater (same) problem with acting/script, somewhat less creepy, disappointing (and bad) ending.

The only part I’d ever want to watch again is the one first-half scene, which comes just before the second half and gives you a bit of false hope.

I mean it’s never AWFUL…but it’s a horror movie that veers towards dull far too often and is never light – a “serious” waste of time.

Grade: D-

Just found on NF streaming.

You’ve probably seen it already, but if you haven’t (or don’t remember) here’s a quick summary:

Roman General Maximus, after a decisive victory in Germania (which opens and is the best part of the movie, IMPO) is condemned to death by the Emperor’s son, who does not react well to being told he will not inherit his father’s position.  Maximus becomes a slave, and then works his way back to Rome, where the inevitable confrontation occurs.  Then there’s lots of drama before it occurs again.

Joaquin Phoenix is very good (and creepy and evil) as the son, but Russell Crowe is the star with a ferocious and emotionally convincing performance as Maximus.

Periods of tedium, periods of mediocrity, periods of moving excitement/epicness.

There are some really interesting/moving visuals – some grand and some tiny – mostly near and at the end.

I think it’s a little too long.

But, overall, a pretty good movie.

Inspirational Quote: “They say no.”

Grade: B-

An amazing archaeological discovery brings James Spader (Indiana Jones without the respect, personality, or ruggedness…or Evie without the charm and quirkiness) and Kurt Russell (a Kurt Russell character – Gruff variant) together to try to make sense and a movie out of it.

Turns out to be a portal, leading to a sci-fi-ish adventure.

I remembered it being somewhat interesting but ponderous, confusing, and ultimately unsatisfying.

Re-viewing: Pretty boring, actually.  Dull and often cliche.  The beginning isn’t too bad, but the farther it goes the worse it gets.

Grade: D-

The disappointing/unnecessary/ragged rough draft/precursor for ‘Desperado’.

Grade: D-

Phew, thank God…another “found footage” movie.  I was beginning to worry.

Starts off decently actually, as a WWII movie from the perspective of some Russian soldiers.

It builds up decently as well, with some signs of what’s to come.

Finally they run into the monstrous creations, which seem pretty small in number for an army.  But they are rather deadly.

After that it’s grossness, pauses, and intermittent poorly-filmed battles with often-silly monstrosities until a quick plot twist explaining the camera’s “necessity”.

It switches shortly thereafter to gross Dr. Frankenstein disgustingness (he’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Day Of The Dead”s version) as the unbelievable and fairly thin plot stretches to the end.

I admit, it was interesting enough (at least in potential/curiosity) to make me actually WANT to watch ’til Frankenstein appeared.  But after that it was just gross and fairly pointless, with several dialogue mistakes that I don’t believe were intentional, but which I HOPE the director left in because he didn’t care anymore either.

Grade: D