Month: May 2025

Masters Of Horror: Pro-Life (2006)

Nice panning intro, showing natural “life”.

A couple almost hits a young woman, who seems to be running away from someone/something.

They bring her to a nearby “Women’s Clinic”.

Interesting subject that at least at first seems pretty well-written.

Things quickly escalate in the (very controversial) fight over (what constitutes) life that ends up costing lots of life.

The horror movie part begins about halfway through, either via insanity or an evil monster.

The story puts the abortion debate to an extreme scenario featuring something potentially monstrous as “life”.

Featuring Ron Perlman doing a pretty convincing job.

37:34 – Wow, that’s a lot of water.

Gets VERY disturbing as it gets closer and closer to the climax. And the climax isn’t totally obvious.

Ewww…yikes…

Ok, yes, the climax was what I expected, but it *could have* been something else.

The post-climax pre-ending is (not haha) funny considering Ron Perlman is involved.

I like the ending.

All in all, it has its down moments, but it’s a pretty good one.

Grade: C+

Castle Freak (1995)

We get to see Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton really stretch their wings as legitimate actors here.

D@mn. That was a failure.

WTF is Stuart Gordon’s problem with cats?

This is a really bad movie. If you like Jeffrey Combs and/or cheeze a whole lot, you might get a kick out of it. Or at least some mild enjoyment.

Otherwise it’s a waste of time.

Inspirational Quote: “My God…this mirror broke!…maybe there was a sudden change in temperature…”

Grade: F

Children Of The Living Dead (2001)

The two people involved in this film that might draw you to it (John A. Russo and Tom Savini) see it as a complete and total POS, so don’t be drawn by them.

Savini’s poorly-acted character acts like a dumba$$ in terms of danger recognition, allowing him to perform some incredibly lame “stunts”.

Russo supposedly wanted to quit multiple times but didn’t want to make the others lose a few months’ work.

Horrible script, acting, directing, and dubbing. A pleasure to mock.

20:34 – Really pathetic action sequence.

The actors sometimes seem to be just waiting to spew out their next line(s), to either get it over with or to make sure they don’t fck it up.

Horrible.

Grade: F

Samurai Cop (1991)

Chuckleworthy from the time you first see the “Samurai” star and his cap/hair combo.

Great silly-reaction faces by the Eddie Murphy wanna-be partner throughout. And he tends to look at the camera, as if to make sure everyone saw that he was doing his best Eddie Murphy. But I’ve seen Axel F. I’ve enjoyed Axel F. Guy in this film, you’re no Axel F.

Consistently horrible, all the way through. Directing, acting, continuity, “Sexy” dialogue, non-sexy dialogue, foley, voiceovers, “action”, bad synth, gruff police sergeant trope…it’s all there, and it all sucks.

The wearing-as-tiny-stuff-as-possible implied sex scene is so incredibly unsexy it might put you off sex for a bit.

Horrendous, awful fun if you’re in the mood…an hour and a half of torture if you’re not.

Inspirational Quote: “…shoot!…shoot him!…shoot!…shoot him!…shoot! shoot him! ya got him!”

Grade: F-

The Farm (2018)

Intro spoiler: You don’t actually get to see her pee.

Inane travel dialogue 101.

There’s some SCARY, FOREBODING music that swells repeatedly as the dialogue and acting remain sh1tty/laughable.

The characters encountered that are presumably meant to explicitly foreshadow dirty deeds and suspense and horror and all that fun stuff instead foreshadow a sh1tty, laughable movie.

The diner scene reminded me slightly of ‘Birdemic’, though I won’t say it’s quite as bad as that.

An attempt to create a REALLY creepy guy succeeds, I suppose, though even then the dialogue and acting make it closer to comedic.

After about 24 and a half minutes of extreme sh1ttiness it does admittedly have a creepy scene. Let’s see if it can go anywhere…

Well, it does improve markedly when noone says anything.

The idea for the movie is really creepy, too bad it’s made SO badly.

Definitely some disturbing scenes, but since it’s not convincing it’s not particularly scary.

And if you like really demented, blood and guts type stuff, this movie insinuates more than shows.

You’re better off with hardcore Asian horror, which I despise; but hey, you might not.

The very ending isn’t all that bad. So like…skip to 1:12:00 after you’ve seen enough opening cr@p if you wanna see it.

Grade: F

Asylum (1972)

Like ‘Patient Seven’, sort of, except there are fewer patients and it’s much cheezier. And lots of really bad haircuts.

Patient One: Oh come on. More silly than scary.

Patient Two: Even sillier.

Patient Three: Ummmm…not as silly, tolerable…but cheezy FX.

Patient Four: Silly again.

And then…oh gawd. Well, it’s got a BIT of creepiness rising over the Sea of Cheeze. But…

Safely skip it.

Grade: F

The Dead (2010)

Opening: “It’s…”

Just another cr@ppy zombie flick.

Some “THRILLING” horror music around 24 minutes in that’s actually pretty “omg” eye-roll inducing.

Suggestion: Speed walking. Problem solved.

1:05:50 – A really EXCITING scene starts…
1:07:55 – Phew…thank God that’s over.

Useless.

Inspirational Quote From Another Movie: “They’re so slow…we could just walk right past ’em; we wouldn’t even have to run…”

Grade: F

The Stepdaughter (2000)

It stinks.

Hey, it’s got the Schofield Kid from ‘Unforgiven’. That’s very mildly interesting. But he kinda sucks here.

So it’s a woman that is seeking revenge for something in her past…and it gets dark and tries to get spooky/creepy.

Hey, nice corny passage-of-time montage around 55 minutes in.

If you like thrillers that aren’t particularly thrilling cuz they’re TV movie sh1t (and don’t have gratuitous nudity, D@MN) then this will really fit the bill.

Grade: F

Dagon (2001)

Cool intro.

Two people seeking help near where their ship has struck a rock find the people on shore extremely unusual, and it’s made quite visually clear that they have a very fishy aspect and don’t like visitors.

That’s right, a fishy requisite-t-t-t-t.

They also have a church dedicated to a being named Dagon who has taken over the regular church and demands human sacrifices.

So they sell their souls (or looks, at least) for ritual sacrifice and a whole barrel full of fish. Uh huh.

Nice statue-acting by the innkeeper.

Lots of atmosphere that quickly turns into a somewhat disturbing action-fest.

Some decent creepy FX.

A secondary encountered character provides some backstory for the whole fishy-cult thing.

The battle royale fight scene is kinda laughable.

And then there’s lots of cultists/lead character interactions.

The female who seems to be in charge of the cultists is intriguing, both to the lead and to me.

Lots of filler, though.

Grade: D

Black Mirror – Episode 15 (Arkangel)

There’s something oddly “off” (wrong, at least in the sense of unusual) with a little girl named Sara(h) from the very moment of her birth. This is shown in fairly harmless ways (brief delay in declaration of health at birth, a dog barking perhaps a bit too harshly from behind its fence…)
Then she disappears after being taken to a park, apparently wandering off…it fades and then ‘Arkangel’ office is loaded (white and grey, harmless and comforting and “secure”…) and she is taken to a chair…
Things get abruptly odd and creepy when a woman (acting as a Doctor?) loads a needle with something and injects it directly into the side of her head. Said WAAAD doing it seems a bit scared by the process, as if she knows what she’s doing but it still demands her *complete* focus and attention and/or is just an object worthy of fear in the “fear of God” or He’ll KILL YOU! sense.
Or maybe fear of caged aliens in ‘Alien Resurrection’ or they’ll KILL YOU? Anyhoo…
This contrasts with her cordial, nothing-to-it greeting voice and mannerisms right before, and (in recovering from the experience?) right after…
Turns out it was a really really high-tech, state-of-the-art tracking system of not just where Sara(h) is but HOW she is. The WAAAD seems fully back to normal as she explains this to the mother, and shows off the little laptop device that makes it work…doing so pleasantly, seeming friendly and fully back in control, displaying even how incredible/incredibly simple (in an amazingly-so way) the whole thing is; that it’s a wonder there was even the slightest hesitation in the first place…the complete comfort of one that is sure and is explaining facts, not offering theories.
And it’s…just…that…simple.
The woman shows how she can use the device to control the little girl’s perception; as cartoons that she was watching as the two women talked are changed to an image of a man in fatigues firing a machine gun, which is then turned into a very hazy image…of…a blurry object…firing…something like a machine gun. HUH? “It’s all optional.”
The mother, explaining to the girl’s grandfather: “It’s free…and it’s safe.” The grandfather is skeptical, and pines over the way it was “in MY day”. They seem better for a while after, though, and mother uses the haze-out feature to turn the dog into a hazy figure that isn’t barking quite as much/loudly. Seems alright, right?
PROBLEM: Grandfather has an apparent heart attack, but Sara(h) sees only a hazy blur and barely hears him speaking, so doesn’t realize the gravity of the situation (that’s implied, at least…it seems like she would even hazy. Hell, I would).
Mother is warned by the implant, and removes the haze, so he’s saved, but it reveals the dangers of shielding oneself fully from reality: denying reality.
Time lapse done via swing set, back and forth, over and over…and…ADVANCE. Artsy craftsy.
Guess: (shown a little before guess) The avoidance of painful reality, the “ignoring it and it will go away” approach that worked to a certain extent when she was a toddler whose mother ALWAYS kept a watch on her, becomes more and more dangerous as she grows up and her mother worries less and less…
Guess again: (again a little before my guess) The prevention of her seeing reality eventually frustrates Sara(h) to the point of (typical and normal) adolescent rebellion…she goes out of her way to see everything, even bad.
In a nod (that I didn’t get until an Eval) to the company (‘Arkangel’) that started this whole mess, it’s revealed that they were eventually banned, but that the implants aren’t very outgoing.
So the mother has two choices: Keep it on and the daughter will get more and more frustrated, or turn it off and the daughter will face life “on her own”. That’s two opposite things, I guess (before I watch): FREEEEEDOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! and Oh FCK I’m scared :(
She sees a boy that mocked her before (and inspired her to poke her finger with a sharp pencil to see blood) and he’s on the schoolyard, with a bloody lip. She’s never seen one before, and we’re faced with the quick mental-guess choice: Is she fascinated by this and becomes his friend, seeing pain and wanting to help, and things are nice and sweet and happy…or NOT of course this is bleepin’ Black Mirror!
So cut to him introducing her to porn: “This is porn…”, etc…ahhh…I was worried for a second there. And then, graphic and disgusting violence (all implied, the back of the tablet is to us, just lots of foley)…quick montage, she eventually gets more and more used to (the bad parts of) reality, done via her walking past the dog over and over, more and more comfortably, more and more naturally, with less and less fear…more like a “normal” person would (?)
Question: Will this lead her TOO far in the other direction? Not afraid of things she SHOULD be afraid of? My guess (before unpausing) is Yes. But not a simple yes, this is fcken Black Mirror!
The boy that is now a young man asks her to go somewhere in a van…gee I wonder if she’ll say yes.
It’s implied that it should be scary. I’m scared for her. But she doesn’t seem scared. Is she just NOT scared? Or is she rebelling, STILL, against safe ignorance?
TIME LEFT: 25:07 – What happens? Well, this is Black Mirror…but…this is Black Mirror.
Don’t be afraid.
She gets more and more “normal”, I suppose. Ummm…I’m not a good judge of normal, and to me normal is bad. So let’s say she gets more and more…curious. And…ummmm…what is the word…
Typical.
The sign on the door of the chainlink fence, FOR SALE…now that’s gotta be the “dog house”, and an obvious sign of the passage of time, and/or change, and/or an ending, and/or something unstoppable (eventually, at least, all things…well…almost all things come to an end). I sigh with relief, myself, at my exceptions.
Note: A ‘TUSK’ poster on her wall, and her boyfriend looks like the guy from ‘Tusk’ the movie. Relevance? *shrug*.
11:10-10:51 left: A Boxed Set Of Lessons Learned.
A twist at the end seems gratuitous, an easy way to have a “controversial” and “powerful” ending.
Decent, I suppose, as those things normally go. But not worthy of BM.
A second twist seems quite the opposite.
Love and Hate.
Loss.

Inspirational Quote: “Come on, I just wanna see…Pleeeaaase?”

Pickman’s Model (2018 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

I like the narrator’s adaptation: Ian Gordon, who does a whole lot of these for HorrorBabble, has a great voice for it and some really good technique.

In this particular “reading”, he speaks as a narrator that is actually speaking to *you*, about what he (the character himself) knows.

There are also some sound FX in the background as he “tells his story” to – literally – *you*, which I find an enjoyable and unusual contrast to the story itself.

But enough of this gay banter.

Gordon is a decent voice actor as well as someone with a naturally gifted-for-this-sort-of-story voice, at least in this audiobook.

An interesting short horror story to relax to with a nice cup of tea.

After about a nine and a half minute intro as described above, the story switches to being the titular Pickman himself talking to the narrator, offering to show him some rather “strong” works of art that he has come up with in privacy…works deemed a bit TOO strong for the “common man”.

Then it switches back to the narrator, who seems to be a bit disturbed by his own story, and “puts the kettle on” before resuming his story to the visitor. That would be you, again.

He begins to describe the pictures that he sees when he first arrives at Pickman’s secret location: not-quite-human, hideous figures with faces terrible to behold.

He is ushered into the next room of Pickman’s “works”, and actually screams at what he sees on the walls.

The narrator pauses in his narration as he himself becomes more and more disturbed and scared by his own tales as he describes himself as HAVING been at seeing the horrific art.

The slowly-getting-worse effect is a bit boring, but I think that’s because it’s so common for Lovecraft.

The narrator talks about screaming again as the WORST, most HORRIBLE portrait is revealed by Pickman…a portrait he sees as so close to reality so as to BE reality.

Pickman himself, then, appears afraid as well as the narrator as he seems to hear something scary…he tries to dismiss it, though, and summarily ends the “tour” as if things are just fine.

That was the last time the narrator ever heard of Pickman.

He reveals that he took a photograph that had supposedly been one that Pickman had taken of a background from which to work on his next painting, but discovers – he reveals to you – that it was in fact a picture of that last room itself, and of a hideous being that was being painted, from reality itself.

Good, solid story. And you havta love the ending.

Grade: B+

The Unnamable (2021 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

While sitting on a tomb in a burial ground (for some reason), the narrator is mocked by a friend for his “illogical” and “superstitious” beliefs, which arouses anger in said narrator.

They discuss “The Unnamable”, which of course isn’t named.

The narrator makes (what he considers) an intelligent, logical argument for the existence of things beyond the bounds of human perception/conception/imagination both in physical and spiritual form.

In making this argument, he cites quite a few “sources”.

It’s a pretty boring discussion, really…at least by two-thirds of the way through.

Why? Because it’s SO common for a Lovecraft story, an argument that hints at “unnamable”/”indescribable”/etc… things at GREAT length without the buildup building up to anything.

After about 16 minutes in, it starts to hint at some kind of…action. Resolution. ANYTHING.

Then, when it’s almost done, a whole sh1tload of things just HAPPEN. Maybe. Kind of.

I mean, if this was the first work of an unknown writer, my interest would be piqued.

But it’s just SO redundant of so many Lovecraft tales that have almost exactly the same formula. Lots of buildup, lots of wordiness, lots of uncertainty, more buildup, and then things happen – or maybe they don’t – and it becomes a matter of “Was it real, or Memorex?”

When he does it right, he can make it unusual and creepy enough to be impressive and enjoyable.

What he DOESN’T, it turns out like this: A competent but colossal waste of time.

I mean, the story is basically just a textbook of “How to write an H.P. Lovecraft story”. All competence, no inspiration.

Like a segment from the Monty Python Flying Circus ‘How To Do It’ sketch. Thanks, H.P., GREAT idea!

And I LIKE him, at least in theory.

Grade: D-

The Hound (2023 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

First-person narrator is revealed as a disgusting, horrible person pretty much right from the start.

Interesting from the beginning, reminiscent in some ways of ‘Herbert West-Reanimator’, which preceded its original publishing.

No “resurrection” here, though…strict grave-robbing, though the narrator may be offended by such a slight.

The original publishing contains the first mention of H.P. Lovecraft’s famous fictional novel, the ‘Necronomicon’.

Two men have a self-made “museum” of dug-up corpses, and are troubled by the recurring baying of a hound when they add an amulet discovered in one of their “adventures” to it.

Eventually, one is torn to pieces, apparently by some sort of flying dark thing only barely seen by his companion as he comes to the site of the killing.

The remaining man hears the faint baying of some unknown hound after burying his companion, terrifying him into leaving his home (with the amulet, destroying the rest of his treasures).

Despite this, he hears and “feels” what he believes is the Hound stalking him.

He attempts to return the amulet to the grave from whence he found it to avoid being killed next, but on his way there the amulet is stolen from him.

Travelling finally to the grave, he digs desperately at it in an attempt to somehow “placate” whatever force he had disturbed/violated in his grave robbing.

When he digs down to the old coffin, however, he finds that things are not quite as he had anticipated/hoped.

It’s not very Lovecraftian, unfortunately. I mean, it’s creepy and disgusting, sure, but it’s more a monster movie (story) than a slow descent into insanity. A bit too plain for me.

Inspirational Quote: “…leering sentiently at me with phosphorescent sockets and sharp and sanguine fangs yawning twistedly in mockery at my inevitable doom.”

Grade: C-

Patient Seven (2016)

I was about to stop this several times until Patient Two (the Saran Wrap guy) started his flashback. Because, quite frankly, it was really generic and dull. Like a piece of hackwork done for money featuring one name actor (Michael Ironside) past his prime and needing the money.

Then it started getting at least a *bit* (and just a bit) interesting with the prim and proper (and unusually straightforward) murderer.

Patient Two: He and a dead body wrapped in Saran Wrap get into some darkly comic misadventures one Halloween night, as people he encounters of course don’t believe that his “costume” (‘American Psycho’ lite) is very real. His attitude remains prim and proper, answering as if “in character” as a serial killer rather easily cuz like…it’s real. I think it’s a brilliant premise but the movie doesn’t make much more than the bare minimum of it. A nice try though, and very good posture.

Patient Three: A zombie story. Yay, can’t get too many of those. Almost entirely generic…pretty sick twist the only object of interest.

Patient Four: Fairly interesting flashback story of a rather unusual friendship. Simple, and probably the best of them.

Patient Five: Absolutely brilliant/utterly laughable, if only for the Monty Python rip/recall. Oh, ummm…the story is about a little girl and a possible imaginary friend/demon/something that the girl’s older sister tries to dispel. She apparently succeeds, but shortly thereafter the demon comes back, and it seems like things are NOT as they SEEM. *shrug* Whatever.

Patient Six: Guy that believes in vampires. Flashback to murders. He looks vaguely like…someone. Meh.

Patient Seven: No, that would be telling. *shrug* Anyways it’s more mysterious for you this way. And in all fairness, I was more worried about writing seven reviews than guessing one ending.

Wait, it seems cliche now…

I have a terrible feeling of Deja Vu…

Wait, I have…I have a terrible feeling of Deja Vu, I-

That extraordinary feeling…hmmmm…quite extraordinary…

The whole thing’s got a fine sheen of smelly, money-hungry professionalism that really turns me off.

Here’s the thing: There are seven different mini-movies here, and many interconnecting segments. So none of the writers had to do much more than come up with one jump-scare, or one quirky twist, or one unexpected “ahhhhh…” revelation. I mean, that just encourages laziness.

Overall result, when you get through all the setup and BS: Very minor horror movie with some (few) high points.

Inspirational Quote: “Dealer; pimp; Chelsea fan. That’s three strikes right there.”

Grade: D

The Lazarus Effect (2015)

Mark Duplass, Creepy Re-Animator? I think not.

His character is actually a lot more like the father from Stephen King’s ‘Pet Sematary’ than Lovecraft’s demented lunatic.

Why? Because his intent is at least SOMEWHAT pro-life/pro-humanity/pro-love, admittedly twisted/skewed/somewhat blinded.

That doesn’t make his experiments acceptable, but it does make them a lot more understandable than Herbert West’s ghastly obsession-driven ones.

22:51 (and others) – Does Duplass have “lots of jump-scares” written into his contracts?

56:29 – Hello, Mary Lou.

The buildup is decent…it keeps your attention as things move closer and closer to the expected payoff and uncertain resolution.

But the idea isn’t fully realized, the characters seem uninspired at times, and the plot seems a bit strung together.

Actual length: About 1:17:30.

The ending is interesting if you both a) enjoyed ‘Pet Sematary’ and b) were craving ONE MORE jump-scare.

Grade: D+

Sublime

Sublime (1995)

Dunno why I didn’t review this before. I stumbled upon it accidentally (thank you, Lana).

I’m not a *huge* fan, but I remember it with at least mild fondness from my earlier days.

Lots of gentle head-nodding.

I’ve heard (well, read) it described as punk rock/ska/reggae, and I can’t do any better than that.

Worth a listen, certainly, if you never have.

(“Caress Me Down”, “What I Got (Reprise)”)

Grade: B-

Flyleaf

Flyleaf (2005)

Hey, whatever makes you feel fully alive.

I like the accelerated/unusual tempos on that song and some others; a bit out of the norm.

The lyrics seem meaningful and felt, which is…good.

But I don’t listen to songs for good lyrics if the music underneath them sucks.

That’s what reading or listening to an audiobook is for.

Interesting lyrics are like, a bonus. Moreso even if those lyrics were written by the band, which these were.

The overall sound is aggressively/loudly positive. It’s an unusual match, at least in my listening experience.

I just wish they had more hooks, when it comes down to it.

After the second listen, only two or three songs really stand out.

But the floor here is at least tolerable, and the ceiling is pretty good.

(“Fully Alive”, “Red Sam”)

Grade: C

Memento Mori (2009)

They (sorta kinda) had me then they lost me.

Grade: D-

The Nameless City (2023 HorrorBabble Audiobook)

It’s all build-up. And it’s not his best build-up.

Very wordy, with some good descriptions that H.P. seems to pull from nowhere with ease.

But…it’s all build-up.

A relative waste of time compared to some of his best work. ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’ may pull its description of forms tumbling upward toward reality from here, or may not. In either case, it’s better to watch/hear Linda Styles read it to you from Sutter Cane’s new book than listen to it here.

Perhaps a necessary short story to introduce the IQ and the Cthulhu mythos properly, but otherwise it’s fairly safe to skip it.

Inspirational Quote: “That is not dead which can eternal lie; and with strange eons even death may die.”

Grade: D