1) Ignore them: everyone knows hatred isn’t the opposite of love, apathy is. Or something like that, whatever, I could care less. So I do care a certain amount. But VERY, VERY little…like…on a scale of 1 to 7, I’d rate my level of care (with 1 being lowest amount of care and 7 being absolute metaphysical careitude) at around…let’s say approximately 1.3685754.
2) Hang around with someone named Jesus Henry Christ. That way, when they’re yapping ON and ON and ON in Dino-esque fashion, you can throw up your arms in exasperation at their tick-like refusal to leave your personal space and exclaim “Jesus H Christ!”, and then when they say “That’s stupid to say, Jesus was just a man, and he’s not listening to you!”, your friend can turn to you and say “Yes?”.
3) Use this handy phrase: “Whatever you say, Benito/Joseph/Mao/Saloth/(etc, etc, etc)” and just smile and nod gently as you would to any other raving lunatic.
4) USEFUL: Wait until they get really, REALLY rambunctious and lose control of their seething cauldron of internal angst, and then report them for possible violation of law(s) against Disturbing The Peace and/or Assault.
5) Smile ultra-sweetly at them and say “*Insert Name Of Deity Of Choice* Loves You” and just KEEP SAYING THAT no matter what they say. Oh my lack-of-God do they HATE that!
6) Ask if you can hug them to show such love, channelled through your arms.
6.9) Ask them to give you their opinion on the logical probability of the existence of God, on a scale of 1 to 14, with 1 being lowest degree of likelihood and 14 being absolute metaphysical certitude. Also good when combined with 3 or 10.
7) If that is accepted, ask if you can kiss them to show such love, channelled through your lips.
8) If 6 AND 7 above are BOTH accepted, ask if you can slip them some tongue.
9) Lick them. Or have a friend lick them. (CAUTION: Prior expressed permission required)
10) When they approach you and start babbling, PRETEND to actually be interested (I’m not a good actor, so I couldn’t pull this off…but for theatre buffs and those with aspirations to improv/stand-up, this would be a GREAT test of your acting/timing/deadpan skills).
With that in mind, IF you believe you are a good actor, appear skeptical but open, and say that you’re willing to listen if they’re willing to explain EXACTLY why they’re CA/A, why it is completely logical, why theism is not, etc etc etc…in full, complete, and exacting detail. Then, while they’re talking, pretend to be listening by nodding your head at regular intervals and going “Mmm…” and “MmmHmmm…” and the like, and when they’re FINALLY done (and this is the KEY part)…pause BRIEFLY, appear slightly confused, look at them and say “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”
-Puppy >.< Yip!
5/10/16:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/mclaughlin-group/n9987
10/16/16: “…it looks like the video or page you’re looking for seems to have disappeared – or maybe it never existed to begin with.” I don’t know if they’re trying to make a ‘1984’-type joke or not, but it’s funny either way. (housekeeping)