Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Demonic (AKA ‘Forest Of The Damned’) (2005)

Don’t look this in the eyes. Or with the eyes.

Awfully bad.

Yes, it’s really Tom Savini. He brings with him the moon from NotLD and some bad acting to go with the rest. He leaves behind his gore fx/writing abilities, which could have helped.

As it is the gore fx can be described best in one word: Snausages.

Grade: F-

8/5/14: Alternate Title: “Forest Of The Naked Hungry Hissing Chicks Some Of Whom Aren’t All That Hot And Make Angels Seem Sucky”. Rip courtesy of some Horror Movie Chick whose horror-movie-review website I can’t remember but who wrote a decent review of this flick. Grade: F-

Headhunter (2005)

This should have starred Joe Estevez. Or Frank Stallone.

It tries to be creepy, but since the acting and script are really
mediocre at best it’s mostly just silly.

On the positive side, the painting reminds me fondly of ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’ (gotta watch that again…) and the FX that don’t suck are creepy. The one that inspired me to write this bit in particular – you’ll know it when you see it. It actually gave me some hope/interest for the rest, that actually endured.

It’s bad, it’s cheezy, it’s absurd…but it’s sorta…fun? A definite level of interest for weirdness and cheeze-enjoyment. But you MUST like cheeze.

If this was re-written, with good actors, and a good director, and good music, and everything else except (some of) the fx…it would be pretty darn good I think. Or would it ruin what little charm it has? We’ll never know.

See if you can spot the grammatical error and spelling mistake.

My GOD does it get cheezy at the end.

On Netflix Streaming until 8/8/14.

Grade: D+

Clay Pigeons (1998)

No idea til recently that Joaquin Phoenix was in this, which made it much more intriguing to me.

Overall it’s very dark but it’s not really gloomy or depressing; more creepy-cool/morbidly funny (when it works).

Phoenix is the focus, thankfully, and is good throughout.

Vince Vaughn is good too (only not as) as the instant friend.

Supporting cast is solid, believable…except maybe Janeane Garofalo, who is miscast as an FBI agent.

Weird, good direction, some interesting images. No real meaning, but worth a watch if you like Phoenix, Vaughn, or generic weirdness a whole lot.

I was gonna compare it to ‘Fargo’ and/or the Coen brothers but then I realized “Nah…probably stretching your ‘knowledge'”. But then I read it was inspired by ‘Fargo’. So hey, I’m a fcken movie genius.

On Netflix Streaming until 8/1/14.

Inspirational Quote: “Promise you’ll stop findin’ dead people.”

Grade: C

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 64)

To the tune of Alannah Myles’ “Love Is”:

“Carnivore’s Ode To A Cow” – By Puppy

Two lines from it:

“Tell me…where you want me to chew,
Cuz flesh iiIS…what I want from YOU-Ou-Ou…”

And there’s gotta be a moo rhyme in there somewhere.

And so on, and so on…

4/14/16: WTF is wrong with me??? I forgot “Cud is…”!!!

Site Review – Live365.com

Having had the number one grunge station on this site for a LONG time before abandoning it due to the problem described below, and having (NOW) the number three grunge station (and climbing as I’ve just started it) on this site, I think I’m qualified to review an annoying aspect of this site that I’m sure all non “Premium” (i.e. “Gimme Some Money”) listeners can appreciate.

There are ads on the top.  On the side.  On the bottom.

Fine.  No problem.  They havta make money.

Then there are the video ads, with audio as loud as or louder than the song you’re listening to.

Not fine.  Bullsh1t.  They start without – to my knowledge – any way to prevent them and completely destroy the experience of listening to the song you’re listening to.  Can they be dealt with, such as stopping them or lowering the volume EVERY SINGLE TIME they load independently?  Perhaps.  But it’s still bullsh1t.

Maybe that’s why you can no longer say “Over 7000 stations”.

Now it’s “Over 5000”.  And it’s less than 6.

Try getting rid of the obnoxious greedy sh1t.  That’s marketing advice, and a review.

House Of The Dead 2 (2006)

In the brilliant tradition of NF streaming, we have here part two
without access to part one.

So, I did a little research, decided this had enough potential – at
least as cheezy mock-fodder – and proceeded to watch it while dismissing part one without much worry.

Hey, it’s got that unbelievably creepy guy very briefly. You’ll know him when you see him.

It’s not horrific but it’s too generic.

Point of note: Smearing of zombie guts as a form of fitting in with the crowd was done here before ‘The Walking Dead’.

On Netflix Streaming until 8/1/14.

Inspirational Quote: “I can open the door.”

Grade: D

The Last Will And Testament Of Rosalind Leigh (2012)

For quite a while it’s a boring drama that fails to thrill.

When the son has ventured far/long enough into the house some odd and interesting things begin to happen.

But it never takes another step. The moments lose their promise and become the only parts of interest – as themselves and briefly, not part of some more cohesive whole.

On Netflix Streaming until 7/30/14.

Grade: D-

Pupdate – Updates

If you’re looking for/wondering about possible changes I’ve made to any previous post, they occur on a fairly regular basis. Some change a lot ( such as “Top Ten Listeners…”), others change infrequently (e.g. ‘The F List…’), and others change VERY rarely.

How do you know when they happen? You don’t. Because if I posted a pupdate every time I updated one it’d get REALLY annoying and too many of my posts would be merely quick references to OTHER posts’ updates.

So just fish around, I guess, with the above criteria in mind.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Tales From The Darkside – Episode 15 (Answer Me)

That rotary phone is pretty scary.

And being personally comfortable with its level of technological advancement.

It’s actually pretty freaky and interesting for the most part. Lots of monologue, but it makes something out of very little. Also it’s somehow creepier because of its Britishness.

The ending is a real let-down, unfortunately. So, borderline.

Invasion (2005)

Fake Footage Flick.

I like the intro: This is REAL. REALLY. No, this time it’s true.
See? It could happen…please, give us a break…give us TIME…

Unfortunately (unlike Kirk) with ME watching, time is a luxury they
have.

After a ‘Manos’-ish opening, the tension/story start. But even after that there’s LOTS of driving footage. So if you want a movie that shows lots of dirt road w/foliage, this is it. Also if you like off-camera dialogue and exhaustive foley.

The excitement level, based on the acting/script/gobbledygook, is
pretty low to nil. It’s a cheezy little number. For infection/invasion
/anything similar, there are LOTS of better options.

Terrible and pointless. Well, one good point: the actual length of…
ummm…movie is only 1:05.

If just one person is inspired to not watch this movie after reading this, I feel this review has been worthwhile.

Inspirational Quote: “WHY?”

Grade: F-

Curse Of The Puppet Master (1998)

REALLY cheezy horror movie featuring living puppets.

Lots of cheezy acting and cheezy dialogue.

Thankfully recent viewing has given me a good reference point: This is a LONG, borderline ‘Darkside’ episode.

The “horror” bit starting the “serious” action/theme with about a third left to go is really horrible; bad enough in every way to be
enjoyable to mock.

Inspirational Quote: “It all just sorta blurs together, y’know?”

Grade: D-

Last Kind Words (2012)

Really SLOW and boring movie with mediocre acting and a pretty bad script.

Proving once again that hiring one semi-name actor does not guarantee success if that’s the only thing going for the movie.

Yes, “exciting” and “creepy” things happen, but they’re not really; they just try to be.

Stupid ending, too.

On Netflix Streaming until 7/15/14

Grade: F

Tales From The Darkside – Episode 11 (All A Clone By The Telephone)

Does it need to be said that this opening is cheezy wanna-be Star Wars sh1t that will one day be as mockable as Gamera or Godzilla?

And so is the ending?

Be that as it may…

Harry Anderson is almost always cool. Unless he’s in Philly.

The usual silly vehicle for him, and he does ok with a mediocre script.

Tales From The Darkside – Episode 8 (The Word Processor Of The Gods)

Based on a Stephen King story.

Pre-Post-‘NeedfulThings’, so it doesn’t inherently kinda suck.

…Oh my Lord that’s a big disk.

GREAT premise: a word processor that can make anything happen while looking horribly cheezy.

An interesting episode.

 

The Paw Project (2013)

A decent if somewhat boring documentary about cat de-clawing.

I already knew what the procedure was and I’m decidedly against it, but there were some things that I learned about its effects. If you want to know all about it, you can watch this…or you can just research it online. It’s not particularly exciting, although there are some cute cat pics, so pick your media I guess.

Grade: D

Invasion Of The Body Snatchers (1956)

If you can get by the ultra-cringeworthy MST/’Black Eagle’ opening credits/DRAMATIC MUSIC, this is a decent version of the story.

Donald Sutherland and Mr. Spock’s is better, though.

I like the lead, and it’s different enough to make it worth watching if you saw (and liked) that (later) one. If you didn’t like it, you probably won’t like this.

If you can’t enjoy something that’s a LITTLE cheezy and dated, whatever the subject/ideas/acting/script, you won’t like this either.

Grade: C

8/21/14: Upped a notch for extra-creepy, despite limitations. Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. I care enough to compare with the original for a few seconds. It’s better. Grade: B-

Thale (2012)

Seems decent and weird from the start. A drama around a somewhat horrific brief series of events more than a true horror film.

The “monster”‘s appearance on the scene is certainly interesting, and makes me think this may be in the vein of ‘Jenifer’.

Brief feelings of ‘Lo’, ‘The Devil’s Rock’, and ‘Hellboy’ surface as well…but this isn’t as good as any of those. The acting is pretty good and it seems authentic enough to be creepy and interesting at first, but once the intro is done it just sort of meanders the rest of the way.

Too much mood and too little story; not enough actually happens as you wait expectantly for it to.

Effects, once they arise, are below par.

Interesting, though, if disappointing after the setup.  Perhaps I’m overrating it slightly for reminders of so many better movies.

Grade: C-