Author: Puppy

Attempt to cash in on the current (then; hopefully fading) undead craze (mostly zombies, but still).

Tries to be a witty dark comedy, a drama, and an action film.

Fails at the first except for a couple of (brief) moments and completely (and somewhat embarrassingly) fails at the second.

As for action, it’s just boring since the movie is so completely and utterly shallow that you don’t care at all about any of the “characters”.

I had little hope to start, and never gained any.

Inspirational Quote: “I look like a dead hooker!”

Grade: F

The opening is cheezy and grandiose, and just plain bad.

And, for the most part, so is the rest of the movie.

I could (and did) write a page of notes on its flaws, but in editing mode they have been whittled down (and tidied up).

The positives: Gary Oldman (good and creepy as usual) as Dracula and Anthony Hopkins (just as good) as Van Helsing.  And some guy I don’t recognize as Renfield, though his part is small.

The negatives: Every single thing Keanu Reeves says and does (the accent is laughable and the acting follows suit), Winona Ryder (not nearly as bad but still mediocre and unconvincing), often cheezy FX, bordering-on-silly grandiosity, and parts of the script which even Oldman can’t save.

On a more visceral (my new favorite word) note, I find myself feeling sympathy for Oldman’s Dracula (as is intended) because his love is true, as he demonstrates at several points; and also because of the very real sense of doom he must exist with.

Van Helsing draws my sympathies from discipline, bravery, and (most importantly by far) the belief that he does what he does because he believes and cares, not because he enjoys.  Hopkins’ acting makes this clear well before the quote below does so.

Other notes: 40 minutes in my only real hope was that Hopkins would save it…Dracula’s come-on to Ryder hovers just above Torgo-ish in nature.

There are a few moving moments in the movie, but overall the intended majestic gestures are an exercise in “gothic” pomposity.

Without Hopkins, indeed, I would find it virtually unwatchable.

Inspirational Quote: “He was in life a most remarkable man, and his mind was great and powerful…but greater is the necessity to stamp him out and destroy him utterly.”

Grade: D

Some decently acted family interaction leads off, broken up only by a vaguely odd visitor plot point.

Fairly quickly turns into the female lead vs. weird/unexplained events as the other characters are absent for a long stretch of house-creeping, with the camerawork as ragged as her emotional state.

But it’s basically just consistent suspense/spookiness and very little else – broken briefly by what seems a silly fx moment getting near the end.  There’s no unexpected (and necessary) “payoff” to all the creeping about.

The lead is fairly convincing, but there’s so little to the movie that it’s really not enough.  The ending certainly isn’t worth it.

Grade: D-

Love the intro.

To sum up without giving away, it’s about cannibalism and a mythology of “gaining another’s” strength through it.  It’s also about morality vs. self-preservation and decadence.

First act: a bit creepy (moreso as it nears the end), and darkly humorous at points (in line with the intro, but under rather adverse conditions).  It works fairly well, for me at least; the creepiness
and dark humor mesh together and don’t cancel each other out at all.  Even the music and camerawork seem to be in on it.

Personally I think the first act goes on a little bit too long – it’s setup, I welcome and understand, but perhaps a bit too much of it at a bit too slow of a pace.

Then a foreboding interlude after the very important plot point.

Second act: the humor fades (with a brief return near the end) and it becomes, for the most part, a dark drama.  Much more consistently tense and creepy, somewhat philosophical, more thought-provoking, and more compelling in general.

The ending is decent in more ways than one.

I particularly like the way in which the film portrays those who dismiss morality and quote against it as a “weakness” as being themselves weak, unable to keep in check the most base impulses, slaves to their own dangerous yet pathetic ethos because they have become the embodiment of it, not because they believe in it.  For the most part, that is…there are always exceptions, rare though they may be.

Self-preservation is the opiate of the masses, as I am ultra fond of saying.

Grade: B-

An altered, “modern” take on Herman Melville’s short story.

It’s got David Paymer co-starring, if you care.

Weird and quirky right from the beginning; and while the supporting cast’s contributions are fine (decently acted) the draw is Bartleby (played by Crispin Glover) and Paymer’s boss character – their actions and interactions.

I find it promising from shortly in ’til the “punchline”…the delivery, the riddle answered, in the vein of ‘The Twilight Zone’.  DECENT, not great ‘Twilight Zone’, since while I found some enjoyment in the buildup I was a bit let down by the ending.

It does get a bit artsy, but I wasn’t put off by that in this case.  You, on the other hand, may think it’s a load of pretentious cr@p.  It’s really hard to say without watching.  I guess TZ is the closest thing I can think of to gauge your interest.  Or if you’ve read the short story.

Bad points: a little (totally out of place) slapstick, some dull moments, not as creepy as it could have been.

Inspirational Quote: “I would prefer not to.”

Grade: C-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C

The beginning shows the promise of a generic flight disaster film (zombies, infected, snakes, etc…) with predictable and eminently forgettable characters.

It turns out to be more of a bad Whodunit, with nothing of the zombie/infected/mystical/supernatural sort until about 20 minutes left.  And even then it’s pretty tedious.

A really old Mark Hamill gives it semi-star power, and makes me actually feel really sad for the guy.

Re: old Mark Hamill – the FX are not quite ‘Star Wars’ (the cheezy original) quality.

Great cinematic moment: Foreboding “complimentary drink” music.

Grade: F

Un-promising cartoon intro.

Then there’s a live-action continuation of some really questionable mythology and a car crash which leaves the lead somewhere between this world and the next (sort of like ‘The Crow’, face paint and all).

But that’s the only thing in common with ‘The Crow’.

This movie features a lead who isn’t a very good actor, a bunch of other people that aren’t very good actors, some really bad dialogue points, lots of weird but not very interesting scenes,
somewhat silly FX, and lots of rain. (Oops…two things).

I did not enjoy this at any point, and was quite thankful when it ended.  Recommended to lovers of pretentious, grandiose quasi-goth cinema.

Really bad ending, too.

Grade: F

Converting notes to review form:

The premise is interesting enough, sure…and the intro is decent.  I actually had my interest sparked a bit in both the subject and the competence level of the film.

But it goes nowhere.  It takes a premise and stretches it as far as possible in terms of “setup” and then just slowly dissolves into poorly acted, scripted, and directed insanity. Disappointing long before the end, but I hoped that at least the ending would be somewhat worth my trouble.  It wasn’t.

None of the players stand out acting-wise, so I don’t buy into any of them or their interactions/frictions, nor do I particularly care what happens to their characters.  Near the end I can sort of see why one of them goes insane (and it’s not abstract), but the acting of the others doesn’t convince me.

The first moment of foreboding (for my possible viewing enjoyment) comes with the first act of insanity, which isn’t slow…it’s just very, very stupid and completely unbelievable.

Features some EXTREMELY annoying noises…just as bad for the viewer as the cast.

Rips: ‘Pet Sematary’, ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’, and of course ‘The Blair Witch Project’; except the reactions aren’t real, the characters aren’t as believable, and it’s in no way original by the year 2010.  In fact, it’s been done to death, and this is a pointless and mostly worthless variation.

Featuring a motivational speech on neck-breaking.

Grade: F

10/3/15: Eh.  Upped a notch for mood/intro.  It still sucks.  Grade: D-

Not “found” films; “cheezily and laughably stolen” films.

The thieves have pretty bad taste, too.

First: Old puppeteer clings to his puppet obsession, conflicting with British lad and his mum.  Features a couple of extremely unnecessary in-out zooms, “Wayne’s World” style, and a really dumb chase.  Awfully bad.

Second: Quite dull until very close to the end, where a mildly interesting twist fails to save it.  Sadly, the best of the bunch.

Third: Sillier and sillier story about a house with a strange self-defense system based on garden gnomes and blinking lights.

The post-third ending is very short but terrible.

Grade: F

First half: Somewhat creepy, good makeup/fx for most interesting scene: no gore but fairly disturbing (see, it CAN be done!), acting/script seem a BIT wooden at times, fade…

Second half: Decent fx for not-so-key scenes, greater (same) problem with acting/script, somewhat less creepy, disappointing (and bad) ending.

The only part I’d ever want to watch again is the one first-half scene, which comes just before the second half and gives you a bit of false hope.

I mean it’s never AWFUL…but it’s a horror movie that veers towards dull far too often and is never light – a “serious” waste of time.

Grade: D-

Just found on NF streaming.

You’ve probably seen it already, but if you haven’t (or don’t remember) here’s a quick summary:

Roman General Maximus, after a decisive victory in Germania (which opens and is the best part of the movie, IMPO) is condemned to death by the Emperor’s son, who does not react well to being told he will not inherit his father’s position.  Maximus becomes a slave, and then works his way back to Rome, where the inevitable confrontation occurs.  Then there’s lots of drama before it occurs again.

Joaquin Phoenix is very good (and creepy and evil) as the son, but Russell Crowe is the star with a ferocious and emotionally convincing performance as Maximus.

Periods of tedium, periods of mediocrity, periods of moving excitement/epicness.

There are some really interesting/moving visuals – some grand and some tiny – mostly near and at the end.

I think it’s a little too long.

But, overall, a pretty good movie.

Inspirational Quote: “They say no.”

Grade: B-

An amazing archaeological discovery brings James Spader (Indiana Jones without the respect, personality, or ruggedness…or Evie without the charm and quirkiness) and Kurt Russell (a Kurt Russell character – Gruff variant) together to try to make sense and a movie out of it.

Turns out to be a portal, leading to a sci-fi-ish adventure.

I remembered it being somewhat interesting but ponderous, confusing, and ultimately unsatisfying.

Re-viewing: Pretty boring, actually.  Dull and often cliche.  The beginning isn’t too bad, but the farther it goes the worse it gets.

Grade: D-

The disappointing/unnecessary/ragged rough draft/precursor for ‘Desperado’.

Grade: D-

Phew, thank God…another “found footage” movie.  I was beginning to worry.

Starts off decently actually, as a WWII movie from the perspective of some Russian soldiers.

It builds up decently as well, with some signs of what’s to come.

Finally they run into the monstrous creations, which seem pretty small in number for an army.  But they are rather deadly.

After that it’s grossness, pauses, and intermittent poorly-filmed battles with often-silly monstrosities until a quick plot twist explaining the camera’s “necessity”.

It switches shortly thereafter to gross Dr. Frankenstein disgustingness (he’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Day Of The Dead”s version) as the unbelievable and fairly thin plot stretches to the end.

I admit, it was interesting enough (at least in potential/curiosity) to make me actually WANT to watch ’til Frankenstein appeared.  But after that it was just gross and fairly pointless, with several dialogue mistakes that I don’t believe were intentional, but which I HOPE the director left in because he didn’t care anymore either.

Grade: D

Hey, it’s Bob Solo.  Better not let him out of the car.

After seeing the opening caption I was ready, and sure enough…spotted at 22 minutes and change.  Recurring, yet.

This is not another ‘1313’ movie, despite the title.  I’ve learned my lesson well.

Watched mainly to test my memory from age 13-14 of it being good; part I remembered best from before: future ‘Shawshank’ guard getting the sh1t beaten out of him.

It’s a very dark movie, mostly prison-type scenes.  It’s also far too long…there’s a lot of dull/mediocre sh1t that should have been trimmed, especially in the second half.  But it holds up decently for the most part.

And yeah, it’s the long version, and yeah, it’s off NF streaming IMMINENTLY.

Grade: C

The opening ‘Scream’ parody is pretty good.

The rest is a mixed bag, with lots of unfunny parodies/jokes and a few other decent ones.

Other Favs: ‘Reservoir Dogs’ slow-walk mock, recurrent driving disaster memories, and a few other ultra-quick bits.

Near the end it gets REALLY dull, unfortunately…you can pretty much turn it off after the last driving flashback.

I reviewed it because it’s off NF streaming SOON, if you care.

Grade: D