Author: Puppy

Love the intro.

To sum up without giving away, it’s about cannibalism and a mythology of “gaining another’s” strength through it.  It’s also about morality vs. self-preservation and decadence.

First act: a bit creepy (moreso as it nears the end), and darkly humorous at points (in line with the intro, but under rather adverse conditions).  It works fairly well, for me at least; the creepiness
and dark humor mesh together and don’t cancel each other out at all.  Even the music and camerawork seem to be in on it.

Personally I think the first act goes on a little bit too long – it’s setup, I welcome and understand, but perhaps a bit too much of it at a bit too slow of a pace.

Then a foreboding interlude after the very important plot point.

Second act: the humor fades (with a brief return near the end) and it becomes, for the most part, a dark drama.  Much more consistently tense and creepy, somewhat philosophical, more thought-provoking, and more compelling in general.

The ending is decent in more ways than one.

I particularly like the way in which the film portrays those who dismiss morality and quote against it as a “weakness” as being themselves weak, unable to keep in check the most base impulses, slaves to their own dangerous yet pathetic ethos because they have become the embodiment of it, not because they believe in it.  For the most part, that is…there are always exceptions, rare though they may be.

Self-preservation is the opiate of the masses, as I am ultra fond of saying.

Grade: B-

An altered, “modern” take on Herman Melville’s short story.

It’s got David Paymer co-starring, if you care.

Weird and quirky right from the beginning; and while the supporting cast’s contributions are fine (decently acted) the draw is Bartleby (played by Crispin Glover) and Paymer’s boss character – their actions and interactions.

I find it promising from shortly in ’til the “punchline”…the delivery, the riddle answered, in the vein of ‘The Twilight Zone’.  DECENT, not great ‘Twilight Zone’, since while I found some enjoyment in the buildup I was a bit let down by the ending.

It does get a bit artsy, but I wasn’t put off by that in this case.  You, on the other hand, may think it’s a load of pretentious cr@p.  It’s really hard to say without watching.  I guess TZ is the closest thing I can think of to gauge your interest.  Or if you’ve read the short story.

Bad points: a little (totally out of place) slapstick, some dull moments, not as creepy as it could have been.

Inspirational Quote: “I would prefer not to.”

Grade: C-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C

The beginning shows the promise of a generic flight disaster film (zombies, infected, snakes, etc…) with predictable and eminently forgettable characters.

It turns out to be more of a bad Whodunit, with nothing of the zombie/infected/mystical/supernatural sort until about 20 minutes left.  And even then it’s pretty tedious.

A really old Mark Hamill gives it semi-star power, and makes me actually feel really sad for the guy.

Re: old Mark Hamill – the FX are not quite ‘Star Wars’ (the cheezy original) quality.

Great cinematic moment: Foreboding “complimentary drink” music.

Grade: F

Un-promising cartoon intro.

Then there’s a live-action continuation of some really questionable mythology and a car crash which leaves the lead somewhere between this world and the next (sort of like ‘The Crow’, face paint and all).

But that’s the only thing in common with ‘The Crow’.

This movie features a lead who isn’t a very good actor, a bunch of other people that aren’t very good actors, some really bad dialogue points, lots of weird but not very interesting scenes,
somewhat silly FX, and lots of rain. (Oops…two things).

I did not enjoy this at any point, and was quite thankful when it ended.  Recommended to lovers of pretentious, grandiose quasi-goth cinema.

Really bad ending, too.

Grade: F

Converting notes to review form:

The premise is interesting enough, sure…and the intro is decent.  I actually had my interest sparked a bit in both the subject and the competence level of the film.

But it goes nowhere.  It takes a premise and stretches it as far as possible in terms of “setup” and then just slowly dissolves into poorly acted, scripted, and directed insanity. Disappointing long before the end, but I hoped that at least the ending would be somewhat worth my trouble.  It wasn’t.

None of the players stand out acting-wise, so I don’t buy into any of them or their interactions/frictions, nor do I particularly care what happens to their characters.  Near the end I can sort of see why one of them goes insane (and it’s not abstract), but the acting of the others doesn’t convince me.

The first moment of foreboding (for my possible viewing enjoyment) comes with the first act of insanity, which isn’t slow…it’s just very, very stupid and completely unbelievable.

Features some EXTREMELY annoying noises…just as bad for the viewer as the cast.

Rips: ‘Pet Sematary’, ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’, and of course ‘The Blair Witch Project’; except the reactions aren’t real, the characters aren’t as believable, and it’s in no way original by the year 2010.  In fact, it’s been done to death, and this is a pointless and mostly worthless variation.

Featuring a motivational speech on neck-breaking.

Grade: F

10/3/15: Eh.  Upped a notch for mood/intro.  It still sucks.  Grade: D-

Not “found” films; “cheezily and laughably stolen” films.

The thieves have pretty bad taste, too.

First: Old puppeteer clings to his puppet obsession, conflicting with British lad and his mum.  Features a couple of extremely unnecessary in-out zooms, “Wayne’s World” style, and a really dumb chase.  Awfully bad.

Second: Quite dull until very close to the end, where a mildly interesting twist fails to save it.  Sadly, the best of the bunch.

Third: Sillier and sillier story about a house with a strange self-defense system based on garden gnomes and blinking lights.

The post-third ending is very short but terrible.

Grade: F

First half: Somewhat creepy, good makeup/fx for most interesting scene: no gore but fairly disturbing (see, it CAN be done!), acting/script seem a BIT wooden at times, fade…

Second half: Decent fx for not-so-key scenes, greater (same) problem with acting/script, somewhat less creepy, disappointing (and bad) ending.

The only part I’d ever want to watch again is the one first-half scene, which comes just before the second half and gives you a bit of false hope.

I mean it’s never AWFUL…but it’s a horror movie that veers towards dull far too often and is never light – a “serious” waste of time.

Grade: D-

Just found on NF streaming.

You’ve probably seen it already, but if you haven’t (or don’t remember) here’s a quick summary:

Roman General Maximus, after a decisive victory in Germania (which opens and is the best part of the movie, IMPO) is condemned to death by the Emperor’s son, who does not react well to being told he will not inherit his father’s position.  Maximus becomes a slave, and then works his way back to Rome, where the inevitable confrontation occurs.  Then there’s lots of drama before it occurs again.

Joaquin Phoenix is very good (and creepy and evil) as the son, but Russell Crowe is the star with a ferocious and emotionally convincing performance as Maximus.

Periods of tedium, periods of mediocrity, periods of moving excitement/epicness.

There are some really interesting/moving visuals – some grand and some tiny – mostly near and at the end.

I think it’s a little too long.

But, overall, a pretty good movie.

Inspirational Quote: “They say no.”

Grade: B-

An amazing archaeological discovery brings James Spader (Indiana Jones without the respect, personality, or ruggedness…or Evie without the charm and quirkiness) and Kurt Russell (a Kurt Russell character – Gruff variant) together to try to make sense and a movie out of it.

Turns out to be a portal, leading to a sci-fi-ish adventure.

I remembered it being somewhat interesting but ponderous, confusing, and ultimately unsatisfying.

Re-viewing: Pretty boring, actually.  Dull and often cliche.  The beginning isn’t too bad, but the farther it goes the worse it gets.

Grade: D-

The disappointing/unnecessary/ragged rough draft/precursor for ‘Desperado’.

Grade: D-

Phew, thank God…another “found footage” movie.  I was beginning to worry.

Starts off decently actually, as a WWII movie from the perspective of some Russian soldiers.

It builds up decently as well, with some signs of what’s to come.

Finally they run into the monstrous creations, which seem pretty small in number for an army.  But they are rather deadly.

After that it’s grossness, pauses, and intermittent poorly-filmed battles with often-silly monstrosities until a quick plot twist explaining the camera’s “necessity”.

It switches shortly thereafter to gross Dr. Frankenstein disgustingness (he’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Day Of The Dead”s version) as the unbelievable and fairly thin plot stretches to the end.

I admit, it was interesting enough (at least in potential/curiosity) to make me actually WANT to watch ’til Frankenstein appeared.  But after that it was just gross and fairly pointless, with several dialogue mistakes that I don’t believe were intentional, but which I HOPE the director left in because he didn’t care anymore either.

Grade: D

Hey, it’s Bob Solo.  Better not let him out of the car.

After seeing the opening caption I was ready, and sure enough…spotted at 22 minutes and change.  Recurring, yet.

This is not another ‘1313’ movie, despite the title.  I’ve learned my lesson well.

Watched mainly to test my memory from age 13-14 of it being good; part I remembered best from before: future ‘Shawshank’ guard getting the sh1t beaten out of him.

It’s a very dark movie, mostly prison-type scenes.  It’s also far too long…there’s a lot of dull/mediocre sh1t that should have been trimmed, especially in the second half.  But it holds up decently for the most part.

And yeah, it’s the long version, and yeah, it’s off NF streaming IMMINENTLY.

Grade: C

The opening ‘Scream’ parody is pretty good.

The rest is a mixed bag, with lots of unfunny parodies/jokes and a few other decent ones.

Other Favs: ‘Reservoir Dogs’ slow-walk mock, recurrent driving disaster memories, and a few other ultra-quick bits.

Near the end it gets REALLY dull, unfortunately…you can pretty much turn it off after the last driving flashback.

I reviewed it because it’s off NF streaming SOON, if you care.

Grade: D

NF streaming description incorrect.  It should read, IMPO: “After making out while drunk and depressed with some guy, he rapes her”.  Just to prepare those who are expecting a one-night-stand.

It should, IMPO, further read: “He gives her some horrific illness that slowly degenerates her body, life, morality, and sanity – in that order.  Near the end she goes psycho, destroys everyone she cares about, and then is VERY briefly an infected/zombie.  The End.”

I mean, that’s it…and there’s no point.  How is this so unlike ‘Jenifer’, then?  In ‘Jenifer’ there’s a choice.  And it’s fcken scary.  This is just: “you’re fcked, you’re gonna fck over everyone you know, then you’re gonna die.  There’s nothing you can do about it.”  And it’s not scary, just gross.

Basically this tries to appeal to the gross, nasty visuals crowd.  But if you want gross, nasty visuals there are SO many movies out there that are ALL gross, nasty visuals.  So this is pointless.

The acting is decent, so I can’t possibly give this an F.  But I’d really, really like to.

Grade: D-

6/23/18: I had a feeling this was better than I gave it credit for. And I was right, sort of. The female lead is convincing, and the grossness is … interesting. There’s precious little more, but it is interesting if you LIKE gross. Not “tolerate if there’s something more to it-gross”, but LIKE. The nasty-horrible-vicious-little side of me does sometimes. Oh, and there’s a very powerful anti-lesbian message here. Methinks the director doth get rejected too much. Grade: D

I really like the intro to this…nice flow of time to the pictures.

And the couple becomes likeable 10 mins in, when the husband shows a good sense of humor and some wit, and the wife shows (I think) faithfulness, cuteness, and obvious (I think) love.

Shortly after that the teapot arrives on scene.

I like the sorta-BDSM scene but that’s probably cuz the wife is hot.

I also like her well-worded vagina defense, which takes place during one of the last really interesting scenes (a mostly-vegan meal clash).

There ends the good portion of the review.  Because unlike how I expected this to go, it turns to (attempts at) humor and absurdity.  The humor is sometimes dark, but more often it’s medium: not light-hearted, but not good enough for dark either.  Luke-warm.

It’s just tedious after a while, the silly quality having destroyed any chance of emotional attachment or taking anything seriously…at least for me.

Eventually things end, probably as you expected them to after a certain point.

Great idea, decent start…WRONG direction.  This should have been a thriller, a creepy morality play.  Not a comedy.  Or it should have been a really funny comedy, which it wasn’t.

Grade: D

Quick review/advice: watch the first 35-40 and last 4-5 minutes.  Skip the other 80 or so.

My first impression was: French.  It’s artsy.  Competent but boring.

Then: Gets more clever, I can tell (I think) the messages it’s sending without being hit over the head with them, and I chuckle/smile a bit.  The way she finds a secret compartment is clever, especially after being led in a different direction.  Then it slowly meanders and starts to lose me until…

About 40 minutes in, I’d had enough.  And though I watched the rest of it, I really didn’t care.  It was drudgery and “Yeah, real clever.  Wonderful.  Oh, great…yeah.  How much time is left??”.

To explain, I would say that the clever bits either stopped being clever or COMPLETELY lost my interest because they were leading to dull/dumb things if they led anywhere at all.  The talking to the camera didn’t draw me in…thank God.  I didn’t wanna be in.  It was the same as the rest, no better or worse.  Equivalent, let’s say, for the sticklers, as opposed to equal.

Quite frankly I found Amelie herself more pretentious and weird than interesting.  Weird does NOT equal interesting.  The two are not intrinsically connected, although they certainly converge in many instances.  This, to me, is not one of them.  And despite all of her weirdness, I find her acts of inspiration rather stupid random chaos.

Her signature moves are smiling impishly, and letting others (including the narrator) talk for her.

I mean, I don’t buy it.  I don’t buy it at all.  Not one bit, not after :40:00.

I get the messages…like when she asks her father a deep question and he responds by saying something unrelated and dull, my interpretation is “they’re showing how different they are and how she longs for someone to understand her, etc…”.  I get that.  I just don’t think it’s really any more clever than the next DECENT movie giving messages in exactly the same way.  Without being brilliant.  Just like this.

Parts are just overblown and annoying, because they’re supposed to be brilliant but I know they’re not.  I particularly groaned (not just bored, annoyed) at the artsy-craftsy visuals.

Vastly overrated.  After 40, it’s barely watchable.  And it HURTS.

Grade: D-