A man suffers through an unfortunate trauma after keing kitten ky a kat.
Highlights:
totally serious-intended movie totally sucking
cheezy FX/tension/tension music
if the hospital bracelet doesn’t fit, you must noughta bit
decent riffing at times
Inspirational Quote: “Please don’t succumb to the urge to eat each other.”
Grade: D+
Kids against Grups, BONK BONK on the head planet. Race against extremely nasty virus.
The Big Three in the landing party, plus two red shirts and Yeoman Rand before G’n’R. picked the one he was dating. Or married to…I don’t care.
Highlights:
Miri and the other kid leader’s acting
fairly interesting premise
Spock vs. McCoy, always an interesting conflict
Lowlights:
Rand’s leg line
remarkable timing
no blah blah blah
The pros and cons of androids. Very little Spock, unfortunately.
Highlights:
the premise
Corby’s performance, for the most part
Andrea (for me, at least)
Kirk vs. Kirk
actual emotional involvement
Lowlights:
insufficient Spock
stupidity of the setup
Spockism: “Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term “half-breed”, Captain. You must admit it is an unsophisticated expression.”
Good Kirk split from Evil Kirk. Also known as Shatner’s excuse for yelling at lifeless Trek fans from an old SNL episode:
“GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it’s just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you’re dressed! You’ve turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!”
Highlights:
cute doggies…even the evil one!
the initial premise
Lowlights:
diabolical background lighting for Evil Kirk
diabolical acting by Evil Kirk
diabolical sexual assault joke by Spock (I blame the writer)
Spockism: “I survive it because my intelligence wins out over both – makes them live together.”
It’s about war…OF THE FUTURE. With exploding dinos.
Because I don’t really want to watch them, I’m finishing these last MST reviews slow and steady, like the noble crab.
Highlights:
Fee Tines A Mady
AHHs
a few good jokes
Inspirational Quote: “Well, I am Belgian.”
Grade: D
(And the rest of Pearl Jam)
I like/liked your (good, old) music as much as anyone…but could you please think about your valiant anti-ConsumerWhore stand against TicketMaster before you pimp out your new album, ConsumerWhore style, to baseball games? Thanks.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
The start of uninterrupted Star Trek as we know it. Good episode…lots of interesting visuals and performances. It’s the “emotions to the forefront” virus episode, if you don’t know.
Highlights:
Riley’s eccentric performance
Spock’s dramatic performance
Lowlights:
Kirk’s overly dramatic performance
that whole time warp thing
Sporting News writer David Steele recently wrote an article in which he placed Eli Manning (as part of the New York Giants) as the “8th worst quarterback situation in the NFL”.
Now, I’m no Eli Manning or Giants fan. I mean, they cost my Patriots two Super Bowls.
But saying that Eli Manning is, despite two Super Bowl wins and everything he’s done in the past, and based on seven games (less than half of one season), the (at best) 25th best quarterback in the NFL just goes to prove my long-held belief:
David Steele is a moron.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Really good story concept, and executed pretty well. Man slowly turns into god-like being, absolute power…etc. The last remnants of pre-Trek are featured here in the cast, weird uniforms, etc.
Highlights:
Gary Mitchell’s performance
CREEPY eyes
Lowlights:
leftover rejects from Star Trek Mach 1
Spock’s over-emotion
Lame road movie turns into lame crime movie. With LOTS of dancing, and bad music. Mostly dancing, really…just watch the intro credits for the general plot.
This movie is really scraping and so is the riffing.
Grade: F
Ok so I’m doing Star Trek reviews, and I thought of Riley, so then I thought of that episode he actually talks in, and that guy who complains about being in space after he gets that “special” touch and does his internal monologue. And I think it would have been a LOT better if (using their ability to travel through time to accomplish this) they had that anti-pigs-in-space guy, at the VERY end of his heartfelt rant…PAUSE…and then, in an absolutely FABULOUS and extended syl-la-bles way, belt out his best Thom Yorke and sing “WE DON’T BE-LONG HERE…”, and then just get right back into character.
Yes Charlie, THAT is a girl. Boy howdy.
Moral ambiguity here…some. Which makes it more interesting. It’s somewhat reminiscent of ‘It’s A Good Life’ – not as good or as creepy, but similar in some ways. I get feelings of borrowings from other sources as well, but I can’t quite place them.
Highlights:
Charlie’s performance
the ending except for…
Lowlights:
Kirk’s husband bulge
Spock’s overemotional rec room scene
Rand’s ending overacting
Spockism: “Your illogical approach to chess does have its advantages on occasion, Captain.”
Episode numbers as per Netflix streaming, cuz it’s easier for me.
No moral ambiguity here…dumb, evil creature kills other creatures. Sole purpose of creature’s life: self-preservation. LaVey’s fav episode.
Said creature fails to generate any sympathy because it’s so evil and it dies because it’s so dumb. I mean, here’s a flippin’ idea: go to the mess hall and order salt. Or say “Hi, I’m an alien, I need salt”.
Highlights:
Riley! briefly…no dialogue…
Yeoman Rand…too bad G.R. didn’t date her instead
Lowlights:
incredibly lame search noises
salt stupidity…it can almost TASTE it!
lame stun effect
a rather weak ending
Spockism: “Fortunately my ancestors spawned in another ocean than yours did.”
This is not Star Trek. This is the failed version that got rejected before Roddenberry re-tooled the cast. And what little value it has on its own can be seen later in the superior (and true-to-form) two part ‘The Menagerie’…although I personally don’t care much for that either. At least it’s Star Trek, Jim, as we know it.
Future episodes deemed worthless will be skipped. Since I’m a sucker for this show’s charms, that won’t be many.
No grades for these.
10/20/13: Episode number adjusted for Netflix streaming order cuz it’s easier.
PearlTV bits are surprisingly ok.
Raul Julia brings a small level of interest and class to an otherwise dumb “future”/fascism movie.
“Well, it is an unpleasant (movie), certainly. But I don’t think we had enough of the really gross awfulness we’re looking for.” – Lady Organs
Grade: D
SO FCKEN TIRED of the “X has a higher IQ than Einstein!” celebratory, incredulous headlines.
Yeah, so what the fck have they done? When they USE that IQ to do ANYTHING anywhere NEAR what Einstein did, then it’s a story. Until then it’s the same as “X is in better baseball shape than Babe Ruth!”.
And even then, ask yourself this: If you raise your child so worshipful of the idol of knowledge as opposed to FUN and LIVING that they’re as smart as 99.9 percent of adults by the time they’re ten…WTF is wrong with you?
P.S. Some store in England should sell Deli Rice.
P.P.S. Seamentea
You have 895370 Total Visits.
Coming Soon:
Star Trek TOS reviews (read the edit if you want)
The last of the perhaps-tolerable-MST reviews
More cr@ppy movie reviews
Ripping.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
If you’re thinking about starting your own horrible-movie review blog, here’s a one-size-fits-all starter kit for you.
When you watch your first truly wretched movie (try anything on my F List), review it as follows:
“Well, I’d have t-
Oh, forget it. Just pretend you’re Tom Servo and you’re interviewing Rick Sloane.”
The reference is the end of ‘Hobgoblins’ MST’d, you can make that as clear as you want.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
I don’t have much, but here’s the best of the latest:
Given my seed-sucking on Subeta, I think it’s safe to say the following:
“I am The RestocKing!!!”
When they were describing how Rob Ryan took over a last place defense and is “turning it around” and the usual BS they do when they have nothing smart to talk about, I couldn’t help but groan in that “Oh GOD what a load of sh1t” sort of way. You know the way.
And then, when his defense (which had already given up 23 points to a team with the brilliant WR tandem of Dobson/Thompkins) allowed a game-winning drive to up the total to 30, I couldn’t help but think of Star Trek, TOS, the last episode: “Now, all the years of training and prep- Ooops, I fcked up.”
Oh, and one final thing…I have a suggestion for an edit on those car commercials about “and” being better than “or”:
*Woman* “Isn’t it great that this car I’m a consumer whore for has blankity-blank AND blankity-blank?”
*Man* “Why yes, fellow consumer whore as I am one as well, it is. So much better than blankity-blank OR blankity-blank.”
*Woman* “That’d be like stupidexample OR stupidexamplepart2.
(now, the edits…)
*Man* (Or woman, choose the order, it doesn’t matter) “Ummm…not really, actually. By the way, why are we having this inane fcking conversation?”
OR:
*Man* “Yeah…and is so much better.”
*Woman* “So you’d like a kick in the groin AND a night of frigid non-sex?”
Danny Elfman’s ‘Beetlejuice’ intro theme/Type O Negative – “Black No. 1”
Why am I not saying “my station”?
I’m not a consumer whore. And How!
-Puppy >.< Yip!
It’s about an ugly, unappealing hypnotist/ventriloquist who shows plenty of eye and lid action. Just a lucky coincidence for me after the last one.
It tries to be really dark and scary. It succeeds at dark, and somewhat creepy – reminiscent of a pretty good, extra-long Twilight Zone episode in a way, although it becomes more tedious and less creepy as it goes along.
Highlights:
the movie itself having a mild interest factor(!?!)
Brit jokes
two-person one-man scene
decent riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Smell it. It has a lovely bouquet.”
Grade: C-
Pearl hijacks brainguy’s brain in a fairly amusing opening sketch.
Movie is non-scary horror, or non-exciting thriller featuring an ugly, unappealing hypnotist. Lots of AA closeups with plenty of eye and lid action to showcase this.
Highlights:
lots of SLEEEEP!
newspaper mocking
brilliant standing around and not-acting
pretty good riffing
Inspirational Exchange:
“I shall touch you and soon you’ll be asleep.”
“Oh, like every night.”
Grade: C+
Hey, I didn’t know this til just now…it’s ‘The Search For Ash’.
So it’s instantly that much better, of course.
The standout actors to me are Ernie Hudson (in his 94-95 period of pretty cool serious acting bits) and some of the bit players (one from ‘The Fugitive’, one from you’ll-know-where, etc…). And of course Amy.
The mains, beside Hudson, are…ok. It’s a little too cliched in script, it’s a little too formulaic overall…but it has a moderate entertainment value if you like decent (if unremarkable), well-made action/adventure flicks.
If only I could erase Mitchell.
Inspirational Quote: “Humans are dangerous. Gorillas are very gentle.”
IQ2: *with disdain* “…you should shake this rat from off your neck.”
Grade: C+
9/8/18: “Am I startin’ that again?” Grade: C-
It hurt me very much when we stopped talking, a LONG time ago.
It hurt again when you ignored my heartfelt, sincere attempts to reconnect with you.
And so I said goodbye to you; and in all the time since then you made absolutely no attempt to acknowledge me in any way, shape, or form that would show you had any interest whatsoever in being my friend or even in any way associated with me, at all, ever.
So when I get a random message after all that time saying not much of anything, the only logical response I can think of is:
Have a good life.
I googled it and apparently noone has thought of this before, or at least made it a reality:
Why not open a trendy gift shop appealing to the hip, self-effacing crowd called ‘Pretties For Ewe’?
See Frank on his fairly quick but time-staggered journey to second-banana Heaven, accompanied by Torgo. And an old cheezy slowwwww-paced Mexican horror flick.
Could have been a lot more inspired for a last hurrah.
Highlights:
horrific dubbing
sudden chunky masked guy with spiffy cape
solid evidence that the WWF/E originated in Mexico
decent riffing
Grade: C
Pearl and Mike switch places for part of the movie, which isn’t all THAT bad as these go. But it’s pretty boring, and so is the riffing. And the move reeks more of desperation than inspiration.
Grade: D-
New movie on the ‘A List’. It’s a re-watch.
I don’t usually do this, but perhaps I should. If you don’t care, it does no harm. And you might. And who cares?
See if you can pick it out, and watch it before it’s off Netflix streaming, where it undeservedly was relegated along with a lot of stupid cr@p.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Robot Rumpus isn’t very funny, but it does demonstrate the value of Old Glory insurance. Then there’s the usual cr@ppy movie.
Highlights:
cute Servo butterfly
Crow T. skull
ultra-pretentious movie intro
death jokes
surprisingly good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “I invite you to join me in marital intercourse.”
Grade: B-
‘Beating Mike Tyson’
I have no idea who is listening to me in Alabama, but whoever you (singular or multiple) are, two things:
1) Thank you.
2) Please do not stalk me unless you are an extremely attractive female between the ages of 21-45 and you obtain prior permission from me.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Anyone that derides any game as childish or meaningless/pointless is just fooling themselves.
Everyone plays games. At every age. The only things that change are the games you play and how you play them.
That you choose to label them as something else does not change what they are.
“Shall we play a game?”
“I don’t like to lose.”
-Puppy >.< Yip!
“Change seems disturbing, threatening, f@cking irritating, an affront to one’s very existence…” – R. Christgau
“How do I feel? Old…” – J.T. Kirk
Instead of watching the new show featuring Tyson, I think I’ll just watch my favorite bit of Tyson footage ever, over and over. I LOVE it…MUCH better than ‘Cats’…
Youtube search: “James Buster Douglas knocks out Mike Tyson”
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Some Troma flicks are watchable, because they’re…not good enough, but smart enough. And doggone it, some people do like them.
This isn’t all that smart, even adjusting for sh1t, but I actually find it minorly enjoyable.
My favorite part was minorly enjoying it while waiting for it to end so I could review it, knowing there would be nothing to actually have to analyze.
Oh, and every shot of Janelle Brady. That pretty much got me through.
Inspirational Quote: “Hmm? Mmm? … Hmm?”
Grade: D
A young Michael Landon gets mad a lot and then gets hairy. Gets kinda dull in the second half.
Highlights:
some of the ‘Alien’ encounters
canine jokes
decent first-half riffing
Grade: C-
Barbara Holm:
No offense meant to her personally (I don’t know her), but in terms of the level of wit and interest in her often “featured” tweets on AOL – who the fck is she sleeping with to get quoted so much?
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Ok, now I understand when people say that some people take sports WAY too seriously, it’s just a game, etc etc etc. I agree.
But on the other hand, I think it’s equally as absurd to either:
1) HATE sports, as if they are a tool of evil (they’re JUST GAMES, right? How can you HATE games?????)
or…
2) Believe that every male that likes sports is by definition a moron. That’s just dumb. I mean, if you think all football players are just big dumb fat guys, try memorizing an NFL playbook. You don’t even have to move a muscle, just read one, and be able to recite exactly what you would do on every play based on what every other player does. Purely intellectual.
Apparently advertising people subscribe to this notion as well, based on the following ad:
Coors Light Commercial. Everyone in the bar is always smiling.
Cut away, cut back: SMILE…
another cut, SMILE…
another…SMILE.
It’s like, with Coors Light they smile about EVERYTHING?
“Hey, good to see you!” SMILE
“You look really great!” SMILE
“Oh sh1t, I gotta go take a piss!” SMILE
“FCK! I just spilled my beer!” SMILE
“OMG I don’t believe she shot me down!!!” SMILE
“I drank WAY too much, man, I feel like I’m gonna vomit all over you!” SMILE
It’s a critical attribute for any NFL (or any pro sport) GM/Exec/Scout/Coach/Etc to be able to see the gradual beginning decline of a player before it becomes blatantly obvious to the masses. That’s when you trade said player based on their presumed level of talent when you know they’re going nowhere but down. Slowly, perhaps, but down. And once you start to decline as an athlete, you generally don’t go back up. You just keep going down. The great ones just go down a LOT slower.
So, based in no small part on the fact that Wes Welker (and this is a non-verified observation…no mathematics involved, just eyes) from what I saw (and I saw a lot) dropped more passes last year than the past 3-4 years combined, his loss has been greatly exaggerated.
Would he be better than Boyce, Dobson, or Thompkins? Sure.
But I think the pendulum has swung from 2-3 years ago to the point where I can now say that Wes Welker is a poor man’s Julian Edelman.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Lots of sh1tty music. Because sh1tty bands have sh1tty standards when it comes to getting sh1tty plugs in sh1tty horror movies that aren’t scary.
Basically the only thing I got out of this movie is a nagging feeling that we aren’t doing enough to support stem cell research.
Inspirational Quote: “I’m going to be an ac-tress.”
Grade: F-
If you ever encounter a CA/A who invokes Spock in their argument/defense/overall attitude, feel free to make them aware of the following:
1) Spock (as with all Vulcans, not because he was half-human) was an extremely emotional being. Because he suppressed these emotions does not mean they did not exist. If any actual research had been done, as is the CA/A MO, this would have been known to them.
2) Many Vulcans are theists, if you know what “theism” means in the broadest (real) sense.
Same-Day Edit: It’s actually…well, not amazing, knowing them…but remarkable that trying to find ANY reference to “theism” anywhere that could possibly in any way be seen as unarguably positive or even non-negative is a ‘1984’ like struggle against the Ministry of Truth. I mean, I could’ve SWORN that the last time I looked up “Vulcan” on Wikipedia, it said they were theists. But this time, that section is completely absent…ALMOST as if someone had intentionally gone in and removed it retroactively for (mis?)information purposes. So, I went to several other sources to verify the FACT that at least some Vulcans are, in FACT, theists. Fictionally, of course. But isn’t it sad how rabid these people are? I mean, I knew CA/A’s aspired to worldwide propaganda, but if you have to turn into Big Brother to denounce “brainwashing”…well…ummm…yeah.
Wretched Italian zombie flick. For mockery only.
Particularly horrible are the script, the score, and creepy-boy.
Grade: F-
Dull old adventure/”action” flick, dull riffing, dull host segments.
That would be “fading away”.
Grade: F
At the beginning, you may think to yourself – “This could be pretty good…creepy, maybe thriller-type interesting”.
It could. But it isn’t.
Like most cr@ppy NetFlix streaming horror movies you’d never heard of before, the reason why is because it’s not very good at all and so noone watched it, or if they did they didn’t tell anyone else. Or if they did, they told them it sucked.
It’s professional-grade, I’ll say that for it. No ridiculously gross awfulness.
But the opening faint promise becomes more and more disappointing as it just meanders around, going nowhere interesting until the very end.
The philosophical/spiritual attempts are half-hearted, as is the “romance”, and both seem to serve only to (like love) pad the film.
I mean, she basks in the obvious afterglow with her bra still on?
Comes with lots of unwarranted VERY SCARY music, and cadaver-fishing.
9/12/13: Guest Review by Mr. Eric Praline, addressing the director (and being disturbing) – “It’s people like you what causes unrest!”
Inspirational Quote: “I got a head!”
Grade: F
Please do not take my previous post as an indication that I am in any way STOPPING my posts.
Simply pausing and being a smarta$$ about it.
There’s no way I’d ever give up my site…the fact that it exists and is visited annoys too many people that I can’t stand for me to even consider it.
Thank you.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
As of late I have been playing Subeta quite a bit. It’s sort of like NeoPets. I’m fairly into it at the moment, but I shall attempt to suspend that for an honest evaluation. Vis:
If you’re looking for games, this is NOT the place to go. At all. In any way. The games are very limited in choice and aren’t particularly exciting.
There are frequent pauses, mini-crashes, etc.
The world is much smaller.
The player base is much smaller.
However…as of this writing, at least, I prefer it to Neo.
Why? Because I’ve seen at least some real evidence that the staff actually gives a fck about the players. Are they doing it because they’re nice, or to get new players? Probably some of both. But I like staff that gives a fck.
Also because there are lots of things to do, if you don’t demand actual games. Like Neo, it’s for kids AND adults, so some things seem a bit childish/amateurish to me. But it’s got a certain cutesy-japanese-anime charm to it, and so far the other players have shown to be nice, overall, from my experience. And the ads are far less intrusive and annoying.
Anyhoo that’s it for now, screw watching cr@p movies for you people when I’m (at least temporarily) into this. Look at my back catalog. No offense.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Documentary-format movie about British men slowly turning into “zombies” via some unknown disease.
Centers on one man (Harold) and a woman that takes care of him. She looks a bit like a young Dawn French, if that holds any interest for you.
I can’t call it moving or funny or scary, because every time it seems to be edging towards one of those it just moves back to slow and deliberate. Not boring, just slowly moving along, going nowhere in particular, in no hurry – sort of like the disease itself.
It’s a bit frustrating, actually, because it’s fairly clever and never embarrassing, but it just never seems to even TRY to go anywhere beyond its initial borders. It’s like watching a slow-moving stream and wondering when it’s going to overflow or change direction. Certainly not unpleasant, but if you’re expecting anything else, somewhat disappointing.
Very few players, very little “action”. Weird…and by far the most tranquil zombie movie I’ve ever seen.
Grade: C-
Crow gets a new voice, Bobo appears, Pearl takes over. Movie sucks.
Riffing starts off bad, gets ok after way too long.
Grade: D-
Cheezy, dumb ripoff of the then-popularity of Romero’s ‘Dawn’.
Quick intro scene lifted right from the middle of ‘Dawn’. Why? SELL SELL SELL! (Ironic, no?)
If you like gore you might (mildly) enjoy cackling and/or laughing at this, depending on your tastes and your tolerance for cheeze and bad FX.
I need decent acting, a decent script, believable characters…SOMETHING else besides gore to make a zombie flick watchable. Unless it’s UTTERLY horrid…and this doesn’t QUITE achieve that.
With the cheeziness and background music, it’s sort of like watching a 70’s porn flick, without the porn. It’s even got a guy that was in one of the ‘Emanuelle’ movies. Not to be confused with the ‘Emmanuelle’ movies.
The “exciting” scenes often have a Michael-Palin-from-MPFC’s-‘jungle explorers find a nice place to eat and then bad stuff happens’ sketch, near the end – before it’s deemed not suitable for family viewing.
“Do you know much, about voodoo? It’s a fascinating practice…” Yeah well you wouldn’t know it from this, Loki.
Upped a notch so I don’t have to worry about which title to put on my F list. And because it reminds me of ‘Dawn’. And 70’s porn.
Grade: D-
Another dumb, boring spy flick. The movie is terrible and the riffing mostly sucks, so really the only reason to watch is for the entire-episode-length (gee, I wonder if that’s a coincidence) trial of planet-destroyer Mike. It’s sort of amusing, but that’s it. Skip the movie.
Grade: D-
