Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Star Trek – Episode 24 (A Taste Of Armageddon)

The Enterprise becomes “involved” in a war between two planets fought using only computers, where “casualties” off themselves in disintegration chambers.  I like this one quite a bit, although it could have been better and there are some VERY cheezy moments.

Highlights:
The general premise
phasers derived from the Latin
Anan 7’s performance
the female co-guest star playing devoted and sweet before she played cruel and vicious in a later episode
multi-legged creature?

Lowlights:
Ambassador Fox’s OVERACTING and accompanying DRAMATIC MUSIC!
somewhat clumsy execution of a brilliant premise
out-of-character McCoy

Spockism: “I do NOT approve.  I understand.” (as emphatic as possible for Spock)

V/H/S/2 (2013)

Opening: Darth Vader confronted by a furious Derek Vinyard.

After that, there’s the “intro” – more buyable than in part 1 and better acted but just as “who cares?” because the whole point is “pop in the tapes”.  And they do:

Movie 1: Guy gets an eye implant and then starts seeing people that shouldn’t be there.  That’s basically it until near the end, when a girl he’d seen before at the hospital comes to his door.  And some other stuff happens.  Paranormal-ish and kinda creepy, but derivative and unnecessary. 

Movie 2: Interesting…and Problematic.

It’s an inventive short zombie movie.  It’s very gory but it’s also well-made and well-acted.  The makeup and FX are convincing.  It’s intelligent and has a sense of timing (even though one bit is off, IMPO).  It explores zombie endurance, behavior and “relation” in somewhat-original fashion.  To paraphrase Roger Corby: “It even has a (dark and twisted) sense of humor.”

It also comes VERY close to (in my eyes) crossing the boundary between “tasteless” and “offensive” near the end, when I think to myself “No way…” when presented with two soon-to-be convergent scenes. 

The fact that I am reviewing it in depth (and positively) goes to show that a) In my opinion, it does not cross that line and b) it was well-made enough to make me FEEL, and THINK about that, and my review, with serious and somewhat disturbed emotions.

Only interesting bit after movie 2: waiting for the name of movie 2 in the credits after suffering through 3 and 4. It turns out to be ‘A Ride In The Park’, directed by Eduardo Sanchez and another old pro from ‘Blair Witch’.

So (hopefully) no new careers being jump-started here.

Basically I recommend you watch 2 and maybe the intro+1 if you don’t feel like skipping forward.

Grade: D+

Star Trek – Episode 23 (Space Seed)

The one where they find Khan and his people.  Khan, of course, tries to take over the Enterprise.

Necessary prequel (yes, that’s advice, both are NF streaming) for ‘Wrath Of Khan’, and pretty good just by itself – especially the scenes with Khan vs. Kirk.

Highlights:
Eugenics War references
McCoy’s informative bravery
Khan’s performance
Kirk and Khan’s grudging mutual admiration

Lowlights:
recurrent fatigue

Spockism: “Unify, Sir?  Like a team of animals under one whip?”

Zombie Massacre (2013)

Come on, this whole zombie/infected thing has just been done to death.

*rimshot*

I mean, where do they keep digging up these films?

*rimshot*

Besides, the whole zombie thing is just so year-in-the-past-after-which-they-ceased-to-be-relevant-and-fresh.

This particular terribly-everything one takes place in Cliche City.  You know, it’s that one after Redundancy Ridge, if you follow Stupid Street until the very end and then take a dull right onto Pec Pike, and then just make sure not to miss that left onto Derivative Drive.

Here’s a little bit I just ripped off Python:

And so the great powers of the world and the people of Shanklin, Isle of Wight, made zombie flicks.  They made them in Cairo, Bangkok, Cape Town, Buenos Aires, Harrow, Hammersmith, Stepney, Wandsworth and Enfield…but always they stunk.

Fav Bit: Female with a topknot worthy of the most ADORABLE kender.

Grade: F-

Star Trek – Episode 22 (The Return Of The Archons)

Brave New Episode (only better).

Oft-forgotten (by me, at least), and undeservedly so.

The Enterprise explores a planet where everyone seems placid and calm at all times except during “Festival”, when apparently all the sex, violence, and chaos happens at once.  All the people are controlled by some being called “Landru” that Kirk and company try to find out about/fight against.

Highlights:
Sulu’s intro
plot/theme/general ideas
guest actors

Lowlights:
a relatively weak ending (sort of a ‘Changeling’ warmup)

Spockism: “This is a soulless society, Captain.  It has no spirit, no spark.  All is indeed peace and tranquility: the peace of the factory, the tranquility of the machine.”

Star Trek – Episode 20 (Tomorrow Is Yesterday)

The Enterprise gets seen in “modern times”, has to erase evidence it was seen, then goes away, etc…

It’s relatively laid-back and not particularly exciting in any way, but it’s not horrid.  Watchable. 

Highlights:
guest actor

Lowlights:
Exaggerated focus on/reaction to Spock
some time warp cr@p

Spockism: “I am.”

Fargo (1996)

Weird as Hell, frozen over…MINNESOTA STYLE!

A film in which the Best Actress winner (Frances McDormand) doesn’t appear until there’s about an hour left in it. 

I’m not saying she isn’t good – only William H. Macy as the snivelling, incompetent crime-organizer is as impressive – just struck me kinda weird is all.

The story’s a simple crime drama with a lot of odd twists.  The reason it’s still simple despite having a lot of odd twists is that the odd twists have nothing to do with the crime drama.  They have nothing to do with anything.  They’re just THERE. 

Hell, forget “twists”…totally irrelevant SCENES, as pertains to the actual story.  No “alluding to” this or “establishing” that or “foreshadowing” this…they’re just THERE.  Like, hey, we wrote this scene…let’s throw it in.  The problem is, if you took all of them out you’d be left with…mmm, maybe 15-20 minutes of movie.

Basically, it’s mostly hollow and filled with sh1t.
(Sometimes)-Interesting sh1t, but sh1t nonetheless.  Hit it with a stick and it’ll burst open. You’ll laugh, you’ll gasp, you’ll eat it up, you’ll walk away and move on with your completely unaffected and unmoved life.

I guess you could admire the way the Coen Brothers took a 20 minute crime drama and lengthened it out to 90+ minutes with “yah”‘s and “you betcha”‘s and Tarantino Pulp-era-reject throwaways.  You COULD…I don’t, but you could. 

But why would you want to WATCH it?

Grade: C+

Crimson Tide – The Extended Version (Part 2)

00:04:30 – “So…Mr. Hunter…any other hobbies besides riding horses?”
“Not really, Sir.  I’m a fairly one-dimensional character made much better by a great actor.”
“I see, Mr. Hunter.  So am I.”
.
.
.
*Crickets*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
00:06:10 – “Vossler, is that d@mn radio fixed yet? I could have built one, eaten it, passed it through my digestive system, cleaned it off, taken it apart, and rebuilt it again by now.”
“Sorry Sir, the miscalculation also affected my competence.”
“Great…you red-shirt moron.”
“What Sir?”
“Ummm…warp speed, Scotty.” *grumble*

Crimson Tide – The Extended Version (Part 1)

Now I really like the movie ‘Crimson Tide’ just the way it is (despite the best efforts of Simpson/Dreckheimer), but I wonder if anyone’s considered the enormous dramatic possibilities that would be gained by lengthening the wait time at the end.

(SPOILER ALERT!!!).

Like, instead of 3 minutes, have it be…

Oh, I don’t know…let’s say 36 hours.

It would really prolong that period of dramatic tension…and hey, as we all know, the longer something goes on therefore the better it is, right?  (This is for my live-to-1000 fans).

Here’s a sample of just some of what you might get in the “extended” version:

Obviously yeah that stallion bit, but then SO MUCH more!

00:02:30 – “Captain!”
*Denzel and Gene* “What?” *sideways half-glance at each other, maybe a WUH WUH WUHHHH in the background*
“Turns out there was an error in our calculations.  Russians will not have launch capability for 36 hours, Sir!”

00:03:01 – “Well, Mr. Hunter…this is where normally we’d have this resolved by now.  It’s a good thing we made a miscalculation, so we have more time to talk.”
“Yes Sir.”
“Yes Sir, you agree that this would normally have been resolved by now, or Yes Sir, you agree that it’s a good thing we miscalculated so that we have more time to talk?”
“Yes Sir I agree this would normally have been resolved by now.  Yes Sir, I agree that it’s a good thing we miscalculated.  It’s a good thing because now we both have more time to listen, Sir.  And those horses are from Spain, Sir.”
“Huh…I didn’t think of it in those rather philosophical terms, Mr.  Hunter.  *short pause*  But they are from Portugal.”

Star Trek – Episode 18 (The Squire Of Gothos)

Kirk and Sulu, and eventually many more, are plucked from the Enterprise to entertain a powerful yet childish being with a fascination for Earth history.

Highlights:
Trelane before he was a Klingon commander
Spock vs. Trelane

Lowlights:
talking green blob drama

Spockism: “I object to you.  I object to intellect without discipline.  I object to power without constructive purpose.”

Bullying – A Short Commentary

In light of recent comments by some defending possible bullying, even hypothetically, here’s a general commentary:

The fact is that morons who say that, IN ANY SITUATION, people who don’t “stand up to” people that are bullying/hurting them are somehow by definition therefore weak and cowardly AND IN ANY WAY “thereby” deserving of said bullying are…

Idiots.  That’s the perfect word.  Idiots.  And also possibly bullies.  But AT LEAST Idiots.

The fact is, if noone BULLIED anyone else, there would be NO NEED TO STAND UP TO THEM.

It happens because scumbags choose to make it happen.  Period.

Get it?  How many neanderthals/thalettes don’t understand this?

That’s not even getting to the fact that bullying is quite often ILLEGAL (see “Idiots”, above).

Some people say “Well, just stand up to them.”  What if “them” is 10 against your 1?

Some people say “Well, all bullies are cowards.” Not all.  I’ve made this mistake in the past – MOST bullies are cowards.  Some bullies aren’t cowards, they’re just scumbag sadists that get off on other people’s pain.

There’s no easy solution.

OH…except one…STOP FCKEN BULLYING PEOPLE YOU A$$HOLES.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Horrors Of Spider Island (1999)

Bulky guy and a bunch of dancers quickly get stranded on an impeccable lifeboat, forced to resist the urge to eat one another.  Then there’s an island and sort of a spider thing, and persistent half-nakedness.

Highlights:
SEXY horror music
intense dance auditions
horrific dialogue
decent-to-pretty-good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “We can’t hold out much longer”

Grade: C

Star Trek – Episode 17 (The Galileo Seven)

Spock, McCoy, Scotty and a few others get trapped on a planet with aggressive humanoids that throw a lot of spears.  Kirk races against time to find them (The group of crewmen, not the aggressive humanoids or the thrown spears…good parody idea though!  One in a row!).

Decent, and worth watching for the focus on Spock at least.

Highlights:
Spock’s leading role
Spock admitting that logic does not always have all the answers

Spockism: “I neither enjoy the idea of command, nor am I frightened of it.  It simply exists.”

Star Trek – Episode 16 (Shore Leave)

The planet of instantaneous thought-manifestation.  It’s kind of cute and kind of interesting.  I always think it could be better when I see it, because it could.  But it’s decent.

Highlights:
relatively relaxed nature is somewhat refreshing
Kirk vs. Finnegan

Lowlights:
TENSE music near the beginning.  It’s hard to get scared over a rabbit.
unconvincing McCoy romance moments
ending

Spockism: “Not necessary in my case, Captain.  On my planet, to rest is to rest: to cease using energy.  To me, it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass using energy instead of saving it.”

Darkroom (2013)

Starts off trying to hook you into caring with a two-pronged approach: decent acting in a naturally sympathy-inducing location (a rehab center) and showing, to the best of their ability, the limited cleavage of the lead actress.  You feel sorry for her or you stick around for more cleavage, I guess is the plan.

Quite effective, really…I went for both.  Plus the fact that I had to watch it because that’s…what I do.

Shortly after that there’s the all-important changing-for-a-photo-shoot scene, which allows them to say “nudity” (barely).

Between 19-22 minutes in it turns creepy and almost everything is explained, after which it ceases to be creepy.

Then you get the cr@ppy horror flick (with a few flashbacks that you don’t care about cuz either you realize it’s a sh1t film or cuz you never cared in the first place because you were just waiting for the sh1t film part to start).

It’s sort of like ‘Saw’, only much worse acted, dumber, and more pointless.  Actually it’s not all THAT much like ‘Saw’, I just wanted to point out that, since I didn’t really like ‘Saw’ all that much, this REALLY sucks.

Mainly for misogynists, sadists, and crusading antitheists as “acceptable evidence”.

Directed by Britt Napier, apparently to show that women can make pointless sh1t movies just as well as men.  Well done.

Movie actually ends at 1:10, then there’s sh1tloads of credits.  Upped a notch for the first 10 minutes or so being not-sh1tty.

This is the sort of completely worthless garbage that ‘Cabin In The Woods’ is (so compellingly) skewering.  Bravo, Joss.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a dirty girl.”

Grade: F

The Predicted (Overstated, Admittedly) Inevitable Decline Of Wes Welker

Ok, so he’s still d@mn good.  And I wish we had him

But…

2011: 122 Receptions, 1,569 Yards, 5 dropped passes (2.9 percent)
2012: 118, 1,354, 10 dropped passes (5.7 percent)
2013: On pace for: 100-1,110, 10 dropped passes (6.9 percent)

(Source: SportingCharts)

And he’s 32.  And he’s taken a POUNDING the last six years.  He’s not getting better, folks.  He’s getting worse.  Just because he’s still really good doesn’t mean he’s not in decline.  Cuz he is.

Yes, he’s caught 9 TDs.  He would have caught 15+ as a Patriot if they didn’t have a MUCH BETTER end zone target (Rob Gronkowski). 

Meaningless.

But of course I appreciate all he did for the Pats, and especially this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WCb17psf8A

-Puppy >.< Yip!

12/22/13:

Edit on prediction, and comparison:

Wes Welker, 2013: 73 catches, 10 drops.  Drop percentage: 9.0
Julian Edelman, 2013: 89 catches, 6 drops.  Drop percentage: 4.7

Faux News – 11/3/13

So I just found out (cuz why would I ever want to read anything about/by her?) two things, sort of by accident, about Megan Fox.

1) She’s bisexual
2) She’s a sexist MORON

“I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means
they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want
to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”

But yet you sleep with men. So your men are magically non-dirty?

“They’re boys; they’re easily toyed with.”

Well, in a way…I mean, you have nothing to offer except your body and yet people pay attention to you. Then again, you actually BELIEVE that anyone thinks you have any talent or relevance.

Not sure who’s more stupid. And when you’re older but just as dumb, they won’t care anymore…and you’ll still have no talent or relevance.

I guess it’s ok to be sexist as long as you’re female. Well…not “ok”, but…not QUITE as bad, you know.

In response: I guess a little because she’s a dumba$$ and I deserve it more, and no I wouldn’t.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Star Trek – Episode 15 (Balance Of Terror)

Kirk vs. Romulan commander in a battle of wits after a truce-violating attack by the Romulans.  A lot of interesting dialogue and events, as well as the usual Trek share of cheeziness.  A good one, though: quite interesting if not fascinating.

Highlights:
Sarek’s performance before he was Sarek, as Romulan commander
Spock, as usual

Lowlights:
inappropriately DRAMATIC material-breaking music
unbelievably unlikely mistake by Spock (was that the BEST they could come up with?)
TERRIBLE ending

Spockism: “If the Romulans retained this martial philosophy, then weakness is something we dare not show.”

The People Under The Stairs (1991)

A half-way decent horror flick that’s (at times) both creepy and campy.

Periods of tedium, and the camp grows as the creepiness lessens.  Or maybe the creepiness just lessens.  It seems to go on too long, like they had enough ideas for half a movie but needed to pad it out to a full one.

But it’s an ok watch if you like the genre. 

Features Ving Rhames, one kick-a$$ kid, and at least one HORRIBLE mask.

Inspirational Attack Move: Nose-pick

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Star Trek – Episode 10 (Dagger Of The Mind)

A personal second-tier favorite that I think is overlooked.

A man escapes from a penal “rehab” colony, apparently
deranged…then things get creepy, both in mood and action.
The Vulcan mind meld is introduced, albeit somewhat awkwardly.

Highlights:
Van Gelder’s performance
the natural creepiness of Tantalus

Lowlights:
wooden “energize” guy
gently moseying redshirt guard

Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Lives By Night (1999)

A man suffers through an unfortunate trauma after keing kitten ky a kat.

Highlights:
totally serious-intended movie totally sucking
cheezy FX/tension/tension music
if the hospital bracelet doesn’t fit, you must noughta bit
decent riffing at times

Inspirational Quote: “Please don’t succumb to the urge to eat each other.”

Grade: D+

Star Trek – Episode 9 (Miri)

Kids against Grups, BONK BONK on the head planet.  Race against extremely nasty virus.

The Big Three in the landing party, plus two red shirts and Yeoman Rand before G’n’R. picked the one he was dating.  Or married to…I don’t care.

Highlights:
Miri and the other kid leader’s acting
fairly interesting premise
Spock vs. McCoy, always an interesting conflict

Lowlights:
Rand’s leg line
remarkable timing
no blah blah blah

Star Trek – Episode 8 (What Are Little Girls Made Of?)

The pros and cons of androids.  Very little Spock, unfortunately.

Highlights:
the premise
Corby’s performance, for the most part
Andrea (for me, at least)
Kirk vs. Kirk
actual emotional involvement

Lowlights:
insufficient Spock
stupidity of the setup

Spockism: “Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term “half-breed”, Captain.  You must admit it is an unsophisticated expression.”

Star Trek – Episode 6 (The Enemy Within)

Good Kirk split from Evil Kirk.  Also known as Shatner’s excuse for yelling at lifeless Trek fans from an old SNL episode:

“GET A LIFE, will you people? I mean, for crying out loud, it’s just a TV show! I mean, look at you, look at the way you’re dressed! You’ve turned an enjoyable little job, that I did as a lark for a few years, into a COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME!”

Highlights:
cute doggies…even the evil one!
the initial premise

Lowlights:
diabolical background lighting for Evil Kirk
diabolical acting by Evil Kirk
diabolical sexual assault joke by Spock (I blame the writer)

Spockism: “I survive it because my intelligence wins out over both – makes them live together.”

Star Trek – Episode 5 (The Naked Time)

The start of uninterrupted Star Trek as we know it.  Good episode…lots of interesting visuals and performances.  It’s the “emotions to the forefront” virus episode, if you don’t know.

Highlights:
Riley’s eccentric performance
Spock’s dramatic performance

Lowlights:
Kirk’s overly dramatic performance
that whole time warp thing

I Thought Of Better Ones, But This Is What You Get

Sporting News writer David Steele recently wrote an article in which he placed Eli Manning (as part of the New York Giants) as the “8th worst quarterback situation in the NFL”.

Now, I’m no Eli Manning or Giants fan.  I mean, they cost my Patriots two Super Bowls.

But saying that Eli Manning is, despite two Super Bowl wins and everything he’s done in the past, and based on seven games (less than half of one season), the (at best) 25th best quarterback in the NFL just goes to prove my long-held belief:

David Steele is a moron.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Star Trek – Episode 4 (Where No Man Has Gone Before)

Really good story concept, and executed pretty well.  Man slowly turns into god-like being, absolute power…etc.  The last remnants of pre-Trek are featured here in the cast, weird uniforms, etc.

Highlights:
Gary Mitchell’s performance
CREEPY eyes

Lowlights:
leftover rejects from Star Trek Mach 1
Spock’s over-emotion

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 48)

Ok so I’m doing Star Trek reviews, and I thought of Riley, so then I thought of that episode he actually talks in, and that guy who complains about being in space after he gets that “special” touch and does his internal monologue.  And I think it would have been a LOT better if (using their ability to travel through time to accomplish this) they had that anti-pigs-in-space guy, at the VERY end of his heartfelt rant…PAUSE…and then, in an absolutely FABULOUS and extended syl-la-bles way, belt out his best Thom Yorke and sing “WE DON’T BE-LONG HERE…”, and then just get right back into character.

Star Trek – Episode 3 (Charlie X)

Yes Charlie, THAT is a girl.  Boy howdy.

Moral ambiguity here…some.  Which makes it more interesting.  It’s somewhat reminiscent of ‘It’s A Good Life’ – not as good or as creepy, but similar in some ways.  I get feelings of borrowings from other sources as well, but I can’t quite place them.

Highlights:
Charlie’s performance
the ending except for…

Lowlights:
Kirk’s husband bulge
Spock’s overemotional rec room scene
Rand’s ending overacting

Spockism: “Your illogical approach to chess does have its advantages on occasion, Captain.”

Star Trek – Episode 2 (The Man Trap)

Episode numbers as per Netflix streaming, cuz it’s easier for me.

No moral ambiguity here…dumb, evil creature kills other creatures.  Sole purpose of creature’s life: self-preservation.  LaVey’s fav episode.

Said creature fails to generate any sympathy because it’s so evil and it dies because it’s so dumb.  I mean, here’s a flippin’ idea: go to the mess hall and order salt.  Or say “Hi, I’m an alien, I need salt”.

Highlights:
Riley! briefly…no dialogue…
Yeoman Rand…too bad G.R. didn’t date her instead

Lowlights:
incredibly lame search noises
salt stupidity…it can almost TASTE it!
lame stun effect
a rather weak ending

Spockism: “Fortunately my ancestors spawned in another ocean than yours did.”

Star Trek – Episode 0 OR Episode 1 (Pilot: The Cage)

This is not Star Trek.  This is the failed version that got rejected before Roddenberry re-tooled the cast.  And what little value it has on its own can be seen later in the superior (and true-to-form) two part ‘The Menagerie’…although I personally don’t care much for that either.  At least it’s Star Trek, Jim, as we know it.

Future episodes deemed worthless will be skipped.  Since I’m a sucker for this show’s charms, that won’t be many.

No grades for these.

10/20/13: Episode number adjusted for Netflix streaming order cuz it’s easier.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Overdrawn At The Memory Bank (1997)

PearlTV bits are surprisingly ok.

Raul Julia brings a small level of interest and class to an otherwise dumb “future”/fascism movie.

“Well, it is an unpleasant (movie), certainly.  But I don’t think we had enough of the really gross awfulness we’re looking for.” – Lady Organs

Grade: D

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 47)

SO FCKEN TIRED of the “X has a higher IQ than Einstein!” celebratory, incredulous headlines.

Yeah, so what the fck have they done?  When they USE that IQ to do ANYTHING anywhere NEAR what Einstein did, then it’s a story.  Until then it’s the same as “X is in better baseball shape than Babe Ruth!”.

And even then, ask yourself this:  If you raise your child so worshipful of the idol of knowledge as opposed to FUN and LIVING that they’re as smart as 99.9 percent of adults by the time they’re ten…WTF is wrong with you?

P.S. Some store in England should sell Deli Rice.

P.P.S. Seamentea

A Free One

If you’re thinking about starting your own horrible-movie review blog, here’s a one-size-fits-all starter kit for you.

When you watch your first truly wretched movie (try anything on my F List), review it as follows:

“Well, I’d have t-
Oh, forget it.  Just pretend you’re Tom Servo and you’re interviewing Rick Sloane.”

The reference is the end of ‘Hobgoblins’ MST’d, you can make that as clear as you want.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 46.9)

I don’t have much, but here’s the best of the latest:

Given my seed-sucking on Subeta, I think it’s safe to say the following:
“I am The RestocKing!!!”

When they were describing how Rob Ryan took over a last place defense and is “turning it around” and the usual BS they do when they have nothing smart to talk about, I couldn’t help but groan in that “Oh GOD what a load of sh1t” sort of way.  You know the way.

And then, when his defense (which had already given up 23 points to a team with the brilliant WR tandem of Dobson/Thompkins) allowed a game-winning drive to up the total to 30, I couldn’t help but think of Star Trek, TOS, the last episode: “Now, all the years of training and prep- Ooops, I fcked up.”

Oh, and one final thing…I have a suggestion for an edit on those car commercials about “and” being better than “or”:
*Woman* “Isn’t it great that this car I’m a consumer whore for has blankity-blank AND blankity-blank?”
*Man* “Why yes, fellow consumer whore as I am one as well, it is.  So much better than blankity-blank OR blankity-blank.”
*Woman* “That’d be like stupidexample OR stupidexamplepart2.
(now, the edits…)
*Man* (Or woman, choose the order, it doesn’t matter) “Ummm…not really, actually.  By the way, why are we having this inane fcking conversation?”

OR:
*Man* “Yeah…and is so much better.”
*Woman* “So you’d like a kick in the groin AND a night of frigid non-sex?”

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Devil Doll (1997)

It’s about an ugly, unappealing hypnotist/ventriloquist who shows plenty of eye and lid action.  Just a lucky coincidence for me after the last one.

It tries to be really dark and scary.  It succeeds at dark, and somewhat creepy – reminiscent of a pretty good, extra-long Twilight Zone episode in a way, although it becomes more tedious and less creepy as it goes along.

Highlights:
the movie itself having a mild interest factor(!?!)
Brit jokes
two-person one-man scene
decent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Smell it.  It has a lovely bouquet.”

Grade: C-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The She Creature (1997)

Pearl hijacks brainguy’s brain in a fairly amusing opening sketch.

Movie is non-scary horror, or non-exciting thriller featuring an ugly, unappealing hypnotist.  Lots of AA closeups with plenty of eye and lid action to showcase this.

Highlights:
lots of SLEEEEP!
newspaper mocking
brilliant standing around and not-acting
pretty good riffing

Inspirational Exchange:
“I shall touch you and soon you’ll be asleep.”
“Oh, like every night.”

Grade: C+

Congo (1995)

Hey, I didn’t know this til just now…it’s ‘The Search For Ash’.

So it’s instantly that much better, of course.

The standout actors to me are Ernie Hudson (in his 94-95 period of pretty cool serious acting bits) and some of the bit players (one from ‘The Fugitive’, one from you’ll-know-where, etc…).  And of course Amy.

The mains, beside Hudson, are…ok.  It’s a little too cliched in script, it’s a little too formulaic overall…but it has a moderate entertainment value if you like decent (if unremarkable), well-made action/adventure flicks. 

If only I could erase Mitchell.

Inspirational Quote: “Humans are dangerous.  Gorillas are very gentle.”

IQ2: *with disdain* “…you should shake this rat from off your neck.”

Grade: C+

9/8/18: “Am I startin’ that again?” Grade: C-