One man’s vision of a time traveller and his adventures becomes dull and stupid in conception. It’s really well-intentioned and all, but it’s just bad – terrible at its worst, totally cliche at its best.
Highlights:
‘Lost In Space’ lure/gag
well-meaning but wimpy hero
time-travel bits with past-Mike
good riffing for most
Inspirational Quote: “So in the future kids become gay agents?”
Grade: B
Concentrating mostly on MST3K episodes until I’ve reviewed all except those I refuse to watch (that would be, after some consideration, any further episode with J. Elvis/Josh Weinstein speaking in it).
Then back to mostly Netflix streaming sh1t with a tendency toward cr@p horror/camp, with the occasional good and even more occasional great movie thrown in.
That is all.
-Puppy
Mediocre, boring sci-fi flick. The first episode with TV’s Frank and without Dr. Erhardt (TGIF).
Riffing isn’t bad but they’re still working the kinks out and this is nothing special (IMPO).
Highlights:
seeing Frank as a trainee
Grade: C
A group of clothing-averse students and their ample-chested teacher pursue a dull creature of legend seen mostly in cr@ppy flashbacks.
Highlights:
flashback mockeries
flashback sketch
consistently pretty-good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get home and not talk to my wife.”
Grade: B-
It’s that really cr@ppy, ultra-cheezy sci-fi flick with that bulky many-named hero.
The movie and accompanying riffing make even the Roman-Era Pearl F. junk somewhat tolerable.
Highlights:
horrific graphics/fx/costumes
horrific script/acting/editing
bulky-guy names
women randomly gyrating around lightning globes
extreme railings
good riffing all the way through
Inspirational Quote: “Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it.”
Grade: A-
4/1/17: Slight over-rate…it takes a little bit to get going. Grade: B
1 – If starving to death, can eat themselves (hot dogs only)
2 – Actually look sad after doing something naughty
3 – Soft white underbelly much more accessible
4 – More fully appreciate the majesty that is bacon
5 – Look much cuter in hot dog buns (small weiner dogs only)
Warning: No zombies. Just lots of people being turned really boring.
Starts off as an extremely dated, wanna-be cool generic 80’s flick.
It’s got a guy that sorta looks like one of the Coreys and another guy that sorta looks like…some other guy that used to be kinda famous. And Michael Madsen’s sister. Nothing much happens except for the main plotline, which involves lots of people going from annoying and stupid to really really dull.
Pretty bad. Not funny, not scary, just pretty bad.
Inspirational Quote: “You can’t replace human emotions with a crystal!”
Grade: F
“Kinda like ‘Manos’ without the lucid plot” – TV’s Frank
Co-starring coffee. Decent riffing.
Highlights:
Why Study Industrial Arts? short
amazing editing errors
sex-for-acid plot
completely unexplained/non movie related off-camera scream
Inspirational Quote: “If only he’d taken an industrial arts class…”
Grade: B- (C/C+ without the short)
6 – Only three required even on the coldest of nights
“There’s less stuff that we don’t understand by a tiny amount.” – George Efstathiou
Layman’s terms is one thing, but since when did scientists start converting to “vague, silly, hard-not-to-mock terms”?
-Puppy >.< Yip!
One of the cheeziest, least scary, most laughable/mockable, least deadly-without-LOTS-of-help monsters ever eats lots of people.
Other star of the movie: extreme voiceover guy
Highlights:
pretension mockery
voiceover guy mockery
politely climbing into the monster
handy life advice from the narrator
good riffing (especially in the first half)
Inspirational Quote: “Yes, they did the nasty.”
Grade: B
See Pearl Forrester for the first time, if you want. Nothing special there.
Movie: Most Dangerous (but STOO-pid) Game feat. Mr. Brady
Riffing: decent
Highlights:
Uncle Jim’s Dairy Farm short
tree of death/novelty items/interminable dialogue
Grade: B- (Call it a C without the short)
7 – Much easier to get rollin’
Beach jiggling, shenanigans, and music. All incredibly boring. One of the last to watch if at all.
Highlights: tank tops and the times noone is singing.
Grade: D-
3/21/13: “It stinks!” Grade: F
8 – Spoken English vocabulary, if limited (the top of a house, the texture of sandpaper, the greatest baseball player of all time, etc.)
9 – Much better Curly Howard imitators
10 – Much better poker players
Joel’s last episode: see how he goes and Mike arrives.
Lots of Mike-as-a-temp action and good-vs-bad-plotting action.
Movie: sleazy/lumpy/stupid guy as hero against sleazier guys in dumb and boring crime flick.
Riffing: mediocre…a few good moments and otherwise useful for the between-movie intrigue.
Highlights:
terrifyingly disgusting sex scene
tender love songs and Schlitz
Grade: D+
Voiceover guy co-stars in bad mad-pseudo-scientist movie as Mike and the bots mock it.
Highlights:
community theater love story
imitation exchange
What About Juvenile Delinquency? – I dunno, you tell me.
brilliant kitty imitation
very consistently pretty-good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “I sort-of think, therefore I sort-of am.”
Grade: B
Lots of evil scientist stuff goes on in and around a house.
The short riffing/host segments are much better than the movie riffing, making “watching the shorts and skipping to the host segment bits then turning it off” a good, sensible option.
Or, to be even more efficient, turn it off after the shorts.
Highlights:
hard pills to swallow
Posture Pals/Appreciating Our Parents shorts combo
movie home-game sketch
lingo bits at the end
Grade: C+
Movie alternately boring and dark/”dramatic”, always stupid.
Riffing alternately boring and pretty good.
Highlights:
SOL shenanigans feat. “peep” and Gretchen the slinky
sidehacking commentary/graphics/commentary mocking sketch
“Only Love (Pads The Film)”
Inspirational Quote: “Hai…kiba!”
Grade: C
Cr@ppy ‘E.T.’ ripoff, right down to the food smuggling.
Features lots of pretentious artsy music and cr@ppy fx. And lots and lots of fog.
Highlights:
public domain ka-row-key
“Idiot Control Now”/subsequent mocking sketch/wait-for-it ending reference
pretentious artsy music mocking sketch
pretty good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Bambi, humans are basically good.”
Grade: B-
I was a little worried Louis might have mellowed out a bit, and in the process gotten less funny.
But he hasn’t, at least not that I can tell. Well, maybe SLIGHTLY. But most people won’t notice and the rest probably won’t give a sh1t.
This isn’t QUITE as good as ‘Chewed Up’, but close. And different enough to be worth watching.
Favorite Bits: God’s disgust, wildly inappropriate vendetta rant
Inspirational Quote: “Leave me alone, I’m trying to cheat on your father!”
Grade: B
By all means, let’s bring back the Woolly Mammoth. So we can stick it in a cage and OOOO and AHHHH at it. How very evolved of us.
And of course, let’s bring back all of the species that were hunted to extinction so that they can inevitably be hunted to extinction again. Since, judging by what we’re STILL doing to the environment, we haven’t “evolved” beyond making EXACTLY the same mistakes we did the first time.
Wait, no…a “mistake” is something you do by accident. Change that to “stupid me-first screw-the-next-generation-and-the-planet greedy and arrogant decisions”.
I mean, come on…this is ‘Rain Man’ science. Massive amounts of pure intellect, no wisdom.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Master Ninja Opening!
little break…
Njorl’s Saga-ish backstory/flashback
little break…
Mrs. Premise
cr@ppy Dungeons and Dragons/Conan-type movie
Mrs. Conclusion
Master Ninja Ending!
Highlights:
host intro bits
really cool cr@ppy credits sketch
incredibly pretentious evil guy
not-all-that-deadly pit of growling snakes
foley art sketch
consistently pretty-good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Ouch, I landed on my eight-sided dice!”
Grade: B
If you thought ‘Charlie’s Angels’ was stupid, so did I. This is a lot stupider.
The “serious” parts are utterly cliche and dumb and the “light-hearted” interludes are utterly non-funny and dumb. Easy target, pretty good riffing.
Grade: C+
Fairly dull but not truly horrible western/drama. Riffing = decent.
Highlights:
‘Mirror, Mirror’ Trek parody, esp. seeing Trace and Frank in the theater (for the first part)
J.T. Lemur
Inspirational Quote: “Well here, take her for a drive!”
Grade: C
Cr@ppy Tony Travis vehicle featuring bad songs/bad acting/cliche bad-guy-goes-good story.
Highlights:
extreme pocket billiards
General Hospital short/mocking feat. “The Booze Ditty”
song mocking
sketches, esp. song mocking/teen idol worship/song mocking/mooning Crow/last wishes of T. Servo
consistent riffing
Inspirational Quote: “There are a million stupid stories in the naked city…this is the stupidest.”
Grade: B+
Really bad barely-sci-fi/horror flick.
Highlights:
horribly stupid/cliche “romance”
bad-movie-joke mocking sketch
“California Lady” – Behind The Music
good riffing (better in the first half)
Inspirational Quote: “Oh no, don’t touch it…let me do that.”
Grade: B-
Boring, bad sci-fi flick. More boring than bad, unfortunately.
So is most of the riffing. Just watch the invention exchange.
Grade: D-
Horrible Japanese sci-fi flick that takes itself seriously.
Highlights:
horrific dubbing
the evil chickens of Crank Whore
cr@ppy fx
pretty good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “A rare Godzilla-free day.”
Grade: B-
Bad movie, mediocre riffing, pretty good host segments.
Highlights:
host segments (Basil Rathbones, medieval sketch, Estelle Winwood tributes)
Grade: D
Lots of boredom from the year 1950-something.
Riffing: first half enlivened only by voiceover mockings, second half slightly better.
Highlights:
Over-excited “terror” voiceover and repeated mockings of it.
attacking the water tag-team
Inspirational Quote: “…magazines expect me to perform EVERY time…”
Grade: D
Ed Wood’s exceedingly boring portrayal of the police force’s courageous struggle to protect the public from dangerous slightly-less-than-fully-dressed-women films.
Highlights:
Keeping Clean And Neat short
BRILLIANT fight scene
Wood-en acting
Inspirational Quote: “Someone hit someone or we’re going back to our porn.”
Grade: C+
6/17/16: It’s a horrible movie, of course. But it’s also laughable, as with most Ed Wood; the premise is incredibly stupid and some of the acting just MST’s itself. And the riffing is actually pretty good. Grade: B-
He’s not all that incredible.
No, incredible in the sense of not believable.
Oh.
Riffing: good stuff
Movie: tortuous
Highlights:
Earth vs. Soup: behind the creation process
ultraaaaaaa slooooooo mooooooooooo
cracker controversy
general riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Hodgka!”
Grade: B
Lon Chaney dies, comes back to life, makes lots of incredibly over-acted faces (movie) after a now-boring little slice of the sort of thing that inspired ‘Raiders’ (serial short).
Riffing: Meh.
Highlights:
massive eye action
massive donut joke action
Grade: D
Cr@ppy beach party movie/musical intruded upon by guys in stupid monster suits. Boredom ensues.
Highlights:
cr@ppy lip-synching to even cr@ppier music
BRILLIANT beach fight scene featuring human battering-ram
incredibly mockable scenes/dialogue
pretty good riffing
sodium
Inspirational Quote: “Yes, the sweet majesty of young white Republican love.”
Grade: B-
Listed some places as ‘Time Walker’, but since the movie SUCKS I feel no urgency to be true to the memory of it. It’s introduced by the mads as how I titled it and the opening title says the same, and that’s good enough for me.
Movie: stupid, pretentious adventure/drama/horror with a (sort of) mummy
Riffing: pretty good
Highlights:
Invention exchange: Tragic Moments/Jack Pallinator
BRAINS!
yummy donuts
music mocking
Inspirational Quote: “Ditch the coffin, we got what we need.”
Grade: B-
Movie is scary only if you’re afraid of stock bee footage, but actually slightly interesting at times.
Riffing is decent. Episode is borderline. That is all.
Grade: D
“I don’t WANT anything from you! You’re not a (man)…and you’re not my (father).” – Braveheart
(x2)
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Santa seeks to expand his empire by stretching out his tendrils into…
Nah, just a cr@ppy Christmas movie. Well-meaning, of course, and sweetly stupid.
Very sweet, very stupid.
Highlights:
pony/deciding who lives and who dies/etc…
Wish-Squisher
P. Swayze Xmas song
custumes
laughably cheezy “plot”/”acting”
consistently good riffing
Inspirational Quote: “Get the Hell out of my shop!”
Grade: B+
Really bad ‘Jaws’ ripoff, right down to the “scary” music. Mocks itself pretty well, is mocked decently.
Highlights:
Crow’s Michelangelo’s David
dolphin warship
random slo-mo’s
cr@ppy graphics and sounds
relentless beer
Inspirational Quote: “The director’s vision: lots of shots of things.”
Grade: C+
According to a recent statement/letter/article, basically the US government affirms the right to kill a US citizen on US soil without any sort of trial or even an officially lodged charge.
Two comments:
1) Who was naive (and STOO-pid) enough to believe the government would NEVER do anything like that UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…until they actually came out and said so? I mean…come on. I’m not a big conspiracy theorist, but people who believe the government would NEVER, EVER do anything illegal if it felt it was in the interests of national security are just as deluded (in the opposite direction) as people who think everything is a government plot.
2) Who is paranoid enough to now believe this will lead to a collapse into a totalitarian state where people are constantly being killed by random drone strikes unless they salute Big Brother?
Tip: If you want to avoid being killed by a drone strike as a US citizen on US soil, don’t do anything that immediately threatens the national security of the US. e.g.: don’t build your own nuke, don’t climb to the top of a belltower carrying a bag full of automatic weapons, don’t place any orders with Chemical-Weapons-R-Us and make the address “The White House”…
*SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE*
Think about it, really.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Newly-minted signs link belief in God to insane far-right stupidity via a *cough cough* “misquote”. Wait no…isn’t a “misquote” when you ACCIDENTALLY…errrmmm…nevermind.
Well played BS propaganda, American Atheists. Well played BS propaganda.
Hey, maybe they read my “Billboard Idea” post and learned from it that attacking Sarah Palin is a lot easier than attacking Jesus?
I mean, they didn’t rip my “THINK FOR YOURSELF” idea, but suggesting that Sarah Palin = Faith is undeniably more clever (since almost everyone agrees she’s a MORON) than suggesting Jesus = Myth and therefore non-non-theists = stupid.
Hey, I don’t promote these people OR their (or any) propaganda, I just circulate the information. (MST rip).
-Puppy >.< Yip!
First Nelson-hosted episode. A few interesting rookie bits, pretty good riffing on the movie.
Movie: cr@ppy “sci-fi” monster/”drama”. The acting is actually decent but the script is mediocre and it’s very pretentious/wanna-be-“thrilling!”. It does have a certain gruesome film-noir-ish feel to it though, and some of the FX are nasty enough to make this somewhat PG.
Highlights:
Signs of Life!
obvious (but amusing) anatomy jokes
skewering of anti-female/anti-trust messages
bad end credit
Inspirational Quote: “It’s nice and all, but I want something sleazy…”
Grade: B-
Plot: you find out how Pearl and company got to the castle. Who cares? Not me.
Movie: Sci-fi with lots of annoying orange. Mediocre in conception, boring first half, slightly better (to watch and to hear mocked) second half which transforms it from putrid to barely passable.
Highlights:
massive unnecessary projection sketch
Grade: D-
