Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Mitchell (1993)

Joel’s last episode: see how he goes and Mike arrives.

Lots of Mike-as-a-temp action and good-vs-bad-plotting action.

Movie: sleazy/lumpy/stupid guy as hero against sleazier guys in dumb and boring crime flick. 

Riffing: mediocre…a few good moments and otherwise useful for the between-movie intrigue.

Highlights:
terrifyingly disgusting sex scene
tender love songs and Schlitz

Grade: D+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Atomic Brain (1993)

Voiceover guy co-stars in bad mad-pseudo-scientist movie as Mike and the bots mock it.

Highlights:
community theater love story
imitation exchange
What About Juvenile Delinquency? – I dunno, you tell me.
brilliant kitty imitation
very consistently pretty-good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “I sort-of think, therefore I sort-of am.”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Unearthly (1991)

Lots of evil scientist stuff goes on in and around a house.

The short riffing/host segments are much better than the movie riffing, making “watching the shorts and skipping to the host segment bits then turning it off” a good, sensible option. 

Or, to be even more efficient, turn it off after the shorts.

Highlights:
hard pills to swallow
Posture Pals/Appreciating Our Parents shorts combo
movie home-game sketch
lingo bits at the end

Grade: C+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sidehackers (1990)

Movie alternately boring and dark/”dramatic”, always stupid. 

Riffing alternately boring and pretty good.

Highlights:
SOL shenanigans feat. “peep” and Gretchen the slinky
sidehacking commentary/graphics/commentary mocking sketch
“Only Love (Pads The Film)”

Inspirational Quote: “Hai…kiba!”

Grade: C

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People (1991)

Cr@ppy ‘E.T.’ ripoff, right down to the food smuggling. 

Features lots of pretentious artsy music and cr@ppy fx.  And lots and lots of fog.

Highlights:
public domain ka-row-key
“Idiot Control Now”/subsequent mocking sketch/wait-for-it ending reference
pretentious artsy music mocking sketch
pretty good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Bambi, humans are basically good.”

Grade: B-

Louis C.K.: Live At The Beacon Theater (2011)

I was a little worried Louis might have mellowed out a bit, and in the process gotten less funny. 

But he hasn’t, at least not that I can tell.  Well, maybe SLIGHTLY.  But most people won’t notice and the rest probably won’t give a sh1t.

This isn’t QUITE as good as ‘Chewed Up’, but close.  And different enough to be worth watching.

Favorite Bits: God’s disgust, wildly inappropriate vendetta rant

Inspirational Quote: “Leave me alone, I’m trying to cheat on your father!”

Grade: B

The De-Extinction Debate – A Puppy Perspective

By all means, let’s bring back the Woolly Mammoth.  So we can stick it in a cage and OOOO and AHHHH at it.  How very evolved of us.

And of course, let’s bring back all of the species that were hunted to extinction so that they can inevitably be hunted to extinction again.  Since, judging by what we’re STILL doing to the environment, we haven’t “evolved” beyond making EXACTLY the same mistakes we did the first time. 

Wait, no…a “mistake” is something you do by accident.  Change that to “stupid me-first screw-the-next-generation-and-the-planet greedy and arrogant decisions”.

I mean, come on…this is ‘Rain Man’ science.  Massive amounts of pure intellect, no wisdom.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Cave Dwellers (1991)

Master Ninja Opening!
little break…
Njorl’s Saga-ish backstory/flashback
little break…
Mrs. Premise
cr@ppy Dungeons and Dragons/Conan-type movie
Mrs. Conclusion
Master Ninja Ending!

Highlights:
host intro bits
really cool cr@ppy credits sketch
incredibly pretentious evil guy
not-all-that-deadly pit of growling snakes
foley art sketch
consistently pretty-good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Ouch, I landed on my eight-sided dice!”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Beatniks (1992)

Cr@ppy Tony Travis vehicle featuring bad songs/bad acting/cliche bad-guy-goes-good story.

Highlights:
extreme pocket billiards
General Hospital short/mocking feat. “The Booze Ditty”
song mocking
sketches, esp. song mocking/teen idol worship/song mocking/mooning Crow/last wishes of T. Servo
consistent riffing

Inspirational Quote: “There are a million stupid stories in the naked city…this is the stupidest.”

Grade: B+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Terror From The Year 5000 (1997)

Lots of boredom from the year 1950-something.

Riffing: first half enlivened only by voiceover mockings, second half slightly better.

Highlights:
Over-excited “terror” voiceover and repeated mockings of it.
attacking the water tag-team

Inspirational Quote: “…magazines expect me to perform EVERY time…”

Grade: D

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Sinister Urge (1994)

Ed Wood’s exceedingly boring portrayal of the police force’s courageous struggle to protect the public from dangerous slightly-less-than-fully-dressed-women films.

Highlights:
Keeping Clean And Neat short
BRILLIANT fight scene
Wood-en acting

Inspirational Quote: “Someone hit someone or we’re going back to our porn.”

Grade: C+

6/17/16: It’s a horrible movie, of course. But it’s also laughable, as with most Ed Wood; the premise is incredibly stupid and some of the acting just MST’s itself. And the riffing is actually pretty good. Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Incredible Melting Man (1996)

He’s not all that incredible.
No, incredible in the sense of not believable.
Oh.

Riffing: good stuff 
Movie: tortuous

Highlights:
Earth vs. Soup: behind the creation process
ultraaaaaaa slooooooo mooooooooooo
cracker controversy
general riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Hodgka!”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Horror Of Party Beach (1997)

Cr@ppy beach party movie/musical intruded upon by guys in stupid monster suits.  Boredom ensues.

Highlights:
cr@ppy lip-synching to even cr@ppier music
BRILLIANT beach fight scene featuring human battering-ram
incredibly mockable scenes/dialogue
pretty good riffing
sodium

Inspirational Quote: “Yes, the sweet majesty of young white Republican love.”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Being From Another Planet (1992)

Listed some places as ‘Time Walker’, but since the movie SUCKS I feel no urgency to be true to the memory of it.  It’s introduced by the mads as how I titled it and the opening title says the same, and that’s good enough for me.

Movie: stupid, pretentious adventure/drama/horror with a (sort of) mummy
Riffing: pretty good

Highlights:
Invention exchange: Tragic Moments/Jack Pallinator
BRAINS!
yummy donuts
music mocking

Inspirational Quote: “Ditch the coffin, we got what we need.”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1991)

Santa seeks to expand his empire by stretching out his tendrils into…

Nah, just a cr@ppy Christmas movie.  Well-meaning, of course, and sweetly stupid. 

Very sweet, very stupid.

Highlights:
pony/deciding who lives and who dies/etc…
Wish-Squisher
P. Swayze Xmas song
custumes
laughably cheezy “plot”/”acting”
consistently good riffing

Inspirational Quote: “Get the Hell out of my shop!”

Grade: B+

In A Droning State Of Mind

According to a recent statement/letter/article, basically the US government affirms the right to kill a US citizen on US soil without any sort of trial or even an officially lodged charge.

Two comments:

1) Who was naive (and STOO-pid) enough to believe the government would NEVER do anything like that UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…until they actually came out and said so?  I mean…come on.  I’m not a big conspiracy theorist, but people who believe the government would NEVER, EVER do anything illegal if it felt it was in the interests of national security are just as deluded (in the opposite direction) as people who think everything is a government plot.

2) Who is paranoid enough to now believe this will lead to a collapse into a totalitarian state where people are constantly being killed by random drone strikes unless they salute Big Brother?

Tip: If you want to avoid being killed by a drone strike as a US citizen on US soil, don’t do anything that immediately threatens the national security of the US.  e.g.: don’t build your own nuke, don’t climb to the top of a belltower carrying a bag full of automatic weapons, don’t place any orders with Chemical-Weapons-R-Us and make the address “The White House”…

*SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE*

Think about it, really. 

-Puppy >.< Yip!

EXCITING Billboard Update – By Puppy

Newly-minted signs link belief in God to insane far-right stupidity via a *cough cough* “misquote”.  Wait no…isn’t a “misquote” when you ACCIDENTALLY…errrmmm…nevermind.

Well played BS propaganda, American Atheists.  Well played BS propaganda.

Hey, maybe they read my “Billboard Idea” post and learned from it that attacking Sarah Palin is a lot easier than attacking Jesus? 

I mean, they didn’t rip my “THINK FOR YOURSELF” idea, but suggesting that Sarah Palin = Faith is undeniably more clever (since almost everyone agrees she’s a MORON) than suggesting Jesus = Myth and therefore non-non-theists = stupid.

Hey, I don’t promote these people OR their (or any) propaganda, I just circulate the information. (MST rip).

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (1993)

First Nelson-hosted episode.  A few interesting rookie bits, pretty good riffing on the movie.

Movie: cr@ppy “sci-fi” monster/”drama”.  The acting is actually decent but the script is mediocre and it’s very pretentious/wanna-be-“thrilling!”.  It does have a certain gruesome film-noir-ish feel to it though, and some of the FX are nasty enough to make this somewhat PG.

Highlights:
Signs of Life!
obvious (but amusing) anatomy jokes
skewering of anti-female/anti-trust messages
bad end credit

Inspirational Quote: “It’s nice and all, but I want something sleazy…”

Grade: B-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Projected Man (1998)

Plot: you find out how Pearl and company got to the castle.  Who cares?  Not me.

Movie: Sci-fi with lots of annoying orange.  Mediocre in conception, boring first half, slightly better (to watch and to hear mocked) second half which transforms it from putrid to barely passable.

Highlights:
massive unnecessary projection sketch

Grade: D-

Interesting – Something To Think About

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPKKQnijnsM

the “Wealth Inequality In America” video.

No comment, just something to think about.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

P.S. – Actually screw that, comment:

People who complain about the dangers of Socialism (losing freedom, Stalin, blah blah) when they see this are confusing “more equitable but still basically capitalist profit structure that rewards hard work without putting HUGE numbers of people in complete poverty” with “Socialist dictatorship”.

Small mistake.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Deathstalker And The Warriors From Hell (1996)

Most annoying opening in MST history.  Repeated briefly at the end for your annoyance.

But the movie is an extremely bad/cheezy/pretentious D+D fantasy attempt, good for mocking. 

And, thankfully, riffing.

Highlights:
cr@ppy ren faire sketch
cr@ppy sounds
cr@ppy villain
cr@ppy hero
REALLY cr@ppy ending fight scenes

Inspirational Quote: “The chilling sound of cardboard against cardboard!”

Grade: B

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Stranded In Space (1991)

The movie opening has sort of a mish-mash thrown together ‘Master Ninja’ feel to it. 

Usually tv movies suck (see ‘Riding With Death’) and are great for riffing, but this one is unusually decent.  The riffing seems content with “predictable and tolerable” and the only real inspiration seems to go into the host segments.

Highlights:
weird-weapon-sound escalation segment
bad insinuation segment

Grade: D

Pupdate – Social Page

Social page (link on top left, between Home and Photos) edited to include: news, sports, news, random quote, and everything it already had (which wasn’t much).  So it’s still not very good.  BUT, and this is the point, it is BETTER than it was.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

4/22/16: Update: Please go to my website and click on the blog link to come here even though there’s really no reason to go to my website as opposed to just coming here to my blog.

Dante’s Inferno (2010)

Taking this seriously…

Basically, this treats ‘Inferno’ as a series of stupid video game levels with a “boss” to defeat to pass each one, which is a truly sad statement on both who it’s (I guess) trying to reach and the desperation with which it’s trying to reach them.

Not taking it seriously: Cr@ppy non-interactive ultra-violent/stupid/poorly-dubbed video game sh1t.

Inspirational Quote: “Isn’t there…perhaps, a…way around it?” – Our Hero

Grade: F-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Squirm (1999)

‘Spring Fever’ short is alternately boring and really annoying.  Mocked well later, though.

Movie is cheezy 50’s horror updated for the super 70’s: color, better cr@ppy acting/fx, even dumber “monster”…riffing: not bad.

Highlights:
Sprites for every occasion
incoherent hick ramblings
Tom Servobelle

Inspirational Quote: “Well then there’s sex, that’s another minute.”

Grade: C

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Alien From L.A. (1993)

Kathy Ireland whines with the best of them in this really bad modern “fantasy” flick.

Very pretentious, so it makes a great choice.  Unfortunately the riffing is only ok (and usually obvious), but with material this easy to rip that’s enough to make it a decent watch, AND you get the “Hey!  I thought of that too!” achievement feeling.

Highlights:
gut-vending and Kathy Ireland game host segments
intermittent Australian-ness
persistent whine jokes

Inspirational Quote: “Cuz I’m turned on by squeaky toys!”

Grade: C+

Hollow (2013)

Another L.F. Dibley classic: ‘The British Blair Witch Ripoff Project’.

It gets somewhat scary with about 25 minutes left, to be fair. And the ending is made clear. UNTIL then, to save you the time, here’s what you learn in just over an hour that means anything: brunette woman is going to marry man, other man is jealous and seems a bit freaky/obsessed with brunette woman, they find a creepy tree of legend.

Question: Is this gonna come out every fourteen years with a new title in a new country? Sort of like the Olympics…I’m guessing France for 2027.

And now, for my own amusement, since they (mostly) wasted MY time, let me rip something:

“I’m afraid there’s been a mistake…

The people that have been acting for you are impostors. They are not in fact affiliated with the real police of East Anglia, but actors wanted by the ‘Blair Witch Project’ preservation society. Anybody who doesn’t believe me can look it up in the film registry.

Now then, the first prize is this beautiful silver Pointing Out The Bleedin’ Obvious For Your Protection cup, which has been won by me.

Next we come to the Fairfax Atkinson Trophy for outstanding achievement in the field of trashing ‘Blair Witch’ ripoffs. Well, there’s been noone else this just-begun year who’s reached the required standard set by me, so it goes in my sack.” – ‘The Puppy MPFC Ripoff Project’

Inspirational Exchange:

*Man* “What time is it?”
*Blonde Woman, in apparent silent response* “It’s time for a shot of my crotch.”

Grade: D

2/26/13: Inspirational Exchange Rip: “I have dispatched 25 minutes of somewhat scary footage to save the movie! They will be playing NOW!”
“Were they as surrounded by cr@p as this? Actually it was more like 15.” Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: It Conquered The World (1991)

Back when Roger Corman gave a d@mn.  I think.

I actually sort of LIKE this movie…the fx are HORRIBLE and the acting isn’t all that good, but it’s an interesting story.  Good riffing on the really horrible parts, too.

‘Snow Thrills’ short is only mediocre, although it does provide a good quote.

Highlights:
short-mocking sketch
sudden realizations
movie-mocking sketch
MPFC Cycling Tour reference
ending…ending…ending…

Inspirational Quote: “Yeah, well you’re full of skit.”

Grade: B-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 31)

I’m not watching the Oscars, but I’m sure that with James Lipton doing play-by-play, they are absolutely scrumtrelescent. (Using the official Wiktionary spelling).

Personally I think it’s even more scrumtrulescent to spell it with a second “u”.

And it’s cool how if you type in “scrumtrulecent” in Wikipedia it redirects to James Lipton.

That is ABSOLUTELY SCRUM-tru-LES-cent.

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Tormented (1992)

Yet another exciting Bert I. Gordon messterpiece.  Very dark this time.

It tries, like early Roger Corman, to be dramatic and meaningful.  And it’s not really HORRIBLE, it’s just not very good…and the pretension allows for very effective mockery.

Joel and the bots rip very (and tastelessly) well into every supposed “dramatic” moment.

Highlights:
great invention exchange (Aunt Catherine wheel/drinking jacket)
SOL family shenanigans
consistent riffing
wishful lighthouse plummets
headshots
Pagan Earth Ceremony (every Tuesday)

Inspirational Quote: “Look Tom, I got a friend at the DA’s office, if I don’t show up they open my lunchbox.”

Grade: B+

The Dead Want Women (2012)

At BEST, that’s totally imprecise and only somewhat accurate.  And totally sexist. 

I mean, what about the heterosexual female and homosexual male ones?  Not to mention the asexual ones, the lesbian/heterosexual male ones with headaches, or the ones that aren’t just mostly dead.

But here’s the deal…the “setup” (idea one) features nice costumes/scenery/most of the budget and tolerable acting and lasts until about the 15 minute mark, then the ultra-soft-core porn (necessary to add “NUDITY” to advertising) part turns into cr@ppy “horror” plot point (idea two) which eventually leads us to the actual movie (idea three, at around 25:30).

Actual movie lasts about 45 minutes and sucks.  FX are sad, acting is poor, dialogue is really bad.

Only misogynists and people that want to see Eric Roberts embarrass himself will enjoy it.

Nice fireplace, though…too bad they didn’t just show that for 1:14:05.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a big fat cowboy!”

Grade: F

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Final Sacrifice (1998)

Canadian modern fantasy/adventure stupidity.  Good riffing, especially for a post-Frank/Trace  episode.  I actually like Canada, for the record.  And this is trying…but that only makes it funnier to rip because it SUCKS so much.

Highlights:
rampant Csonka references
rampant Canada jokes
Royal Canadian Mounted Servo
inept BDSM brigade
feral Red Green guy

Inspirational Quote: “You know it’s Spring when the executioners start gettin in the house.”

Grade: B