I don’t understand this choice at all.
The movie isn’t great, but it’s certainly not horrible. Nowhere NEAR as bad as the typical MST movie, anyway. You almost want to watch it, at times…but you can’t, because three annoying voices keep interrupting it with unfunny comments.
If this was the ONLY episode of MST3K, it might be worth watching. But it isn’t, and it isn’t.
Grade: F
This is actually very well-meaning and all…but stoo-pid.
J+TB seem inspired by the short.
Highlights:
The Truck Farmer: How to raise healthy, happy trucks
host segments: bot therapy, bad singing bit, guy from the movie analysis
exciting action/intrigue
dumbest great liar ever
Inspirational Quote: “So, Jimmy…do you like your kneecaps?”
Grade: B+
Horribly dull “sci-fi” movie with a lot of stock footage and extreme boredom. Riffing can’t do much for it, but host segments bring it up from fantastically unbearable to barely tolerable.
Highlights:
“evil” Crow brings DOUBLE Crow action…OH!
DOUBLE entendres…OH!
DOUBLE lever action…OH!
‘Aliens’ parody…OH!
Grade: D-
A cute little movie. It’s witty; somewhat gruesome yet also somewhat charming/sweet.
It’s not really my thing, for the most part…so I’d stop there.
But I can certainly understand how it could also be described as touching and even somewhat magical by fans.
This has such a wide audience because everyone from the most shallowly angsty to the most wistfully romantic can (potentially) feel all these things.
Like all Disney movies, the songs are annoying in their Basil Exposition qualities for adults, but the gruesomeness does mostly offset the traditional sappiness.
Like good Disney movies, this is simple and cute enough for children but smart enough for adults.
How so many people that like this can hate EVERY OTHER Disney movie is beyond me, since this IS a slight (goth/creepy/macabre/odd…take your pick) alteration on stock-Disney to create a modern-day ‘How The Grinch Stole Christmas’.
The message any non-idiot can take from this, if you pay any attention at all: insisting on gloom all the time is just as absurd as insisting on smiles all the time. I mean, Skellington himself marvels at the stupidity of his minions in their failure to understand how anything worthwhile can NOT be negative.
The yearning for escape from enforced drudgery into freedom/happiness is pretty obvious, too. But Sally points out that while that is a noble goal, to force one’s gloominess upon others (as Jack attempts) is just as wrong as to force one’s cheeriness upon others.
Or, as Jack simplifies for anyone that hasn’t gotten it yet: Leave gloom to the gloomy and cheer to the cheery. If they want to mix, fine…if they don’t…fine. It’s called free will.
For scumbags that enjoy this: It’s cuz only in fantasy can your fcked up dreams come true. And, like it or not, your life is longer than 1:16:08.
For non-scumbags that enjoy this: If anyone tries to tell you the ending isn’t truly romantic (and honestly hopeful)…don’t listen. Hope you read this, you know who…I hope.
Inspirational Quote: “How could I…be so blind?”
Grade: B
7/15/13: Dae Update – Hope unchanged, but moving on. WAIT…yes. WAIT…maybe…yes.
Cheezy Leonard-Maltin-two-and-a-half movie. It’ll do in a pinch, I guess. Riffing: So-so.
Highlights:
host segments, especially a random wandering NOMAD and Trace’s last MST moments.
Grade: D+
Extremely simplified version of the book, ending changed to happy.
Is it good? Sorta. Is it anywhere near as good as the book? No WAY. The exchanges are much dumber and a lot is left out. And if the dialogue seems very cheezy at times NOW, it’s gonna be downright pitiful soon enough.
But it’s a good way to bring the book to the masses.
In the spirit of that comment, I believe the necessity for this is summed up best by (then)star Sam Neill in another movie, talking to someone in a padded cell:
Man: “What about people that don’t read?”
Neill: *With a hopeless, lost, slightly insane expression* “There’s a movie.”
Saddest moment: Chilling slow-motion close-up of a Barbasol can.
The “movie” inside the movie should be ready for MSTing in 20-30 years or so. I imagine it will be as sad as your typical 50’s prop flick.
Most Noble/Cool Character: Ian *BLEEPIN* Malcolm…YEAH!
Inspirational Quote: “Gee, the lack of humility…before nature that’s being displayed here, ummm…staggers me.”
Grade: C+
Being the master of my own will, I choose to become, with great reluctance and taste bud pain, a pescetarian.
Oh well…bacon, I shall love you forever from afar.
Bear with me, people…I’m evolving slowly, but surely.
Not judging, just saying.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
2/18/13: Well…ok, very occasional meat. I’m working on it! :P
Dull “horror” movie…they do a decent job with what they have to work with.
Highlights:
Huma, feline origins of a legend
old jokes
cadaver jokes
Grade: C
This isn’t for ALL the Gulu Gulu performers, just…well…the dull, untalented, cr@ppy ones.
CLARIFICATION: When I say “the dull, untalented, cr@ppy ones” I’m referring to Das But or anyone (gag) similar to him ONLY. Thank you.
Two reviews of every said performance past, present, and future:
“At this point, the man/woman attempted an “arty” sort of poem/story/song/miscellaneous.”
“Typical hyperromantic exoticism is one answer, and everybody would know they’re full of sh1t is the other.”
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Richard Kiel does his best Das But impression as a dull, line-forgetting robot with occasional violent outbursts and failed poorly-conceived world domination aspirations. Very cheezy all around, good riffing.
Highlights:
host segments, esp. cute hat on Joel and the fridge alert
ConHugeCo
Richard Kiel trying
attempts at serious/menacing
high-security motel
Inspirational Quote: “Well if ya don’t know what it is don’t put yer finger on it.”
Grade: B
He’s dull. The more people that know him, the more people that will know that, the more he’ll realize what a colossal bore he is.
Maybe eventually he’ll get some psychiatric counseling, cuz whatever meds they might put him on can’t possibly make him any less creative.
I’m pulling for ya, man. Seriously…go see a shrink.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Title hints at sex and horror, movie has neither. Worthless.
Grade: F-
“you seem upset…”
Hey, drop the ‘Analyze This’ attempt, Das…you’re not very good at it, and you don’t believe in mental health treatment anyway, remember? That’s why you’re a ticking time But.
WTF do you need good, enduring, toughest-quality tactical gear for??? If it’s just a prop, why does it have to be enduring/toughest-quality? And if it’s NOT a prop…what are you gonna do with tactical gear, Das? That sounds like something potentially dangerous.
“No heterosexual man in his right man”
Now that’s GOTTA be a Freudian slip. Boom Chikka WAH-WAH!!!
Actually, I think (although it took him MANY hours to, errr…”compose” this) that his angsty I-wanna-yell-but-I’m-a-coward-so-I’ll-yell-at-small-animals fury is leaking out into word formation errors. Cuz he CAN spell. REALLY! The guy’s a very good speller, when he’s (relatively) calm and rational. He calls women b1tches A LOT when he’s calm and rational (including rating the women he’s had sex with in GRAPHIC DETAIL in a public forum), but he DOES spell well while doing it.
LADIES…he’s available!
“would…troll another grown a$$ man.”
Let me respond in four ways.
1) Here is a quote from you, Das But: “”I already trolled you into blocking me.”
2) And another: “…I trolled your a$$…”
2.5) Are you in your right man? If so, what about the one that’s left?
3) I had you pegged as a breast man. But it’s cool if you’re an a$$ man. Just remember Das: if you’re in a threesome with another guy and a woman, and the woman leaves, and you keep going, that DOESN’T make you homosexual.
“like a child”
No, according to things you’ve written Das, that’s apparently what you think all women are like once you get them naked.
“Your observations contain an obvious sense of bias”
Hey, you’re the one that posted the anti-black people video on youtube.
“as though you were storing up your attempted insults for a sort of punch line…”
I’m a funny guy! You know, I’m funny…like, I’m a clown. I’m here to amuse you!
BTW Das…I think your bits would do better if you added a few punch lines. You know, in between the constant Stephen-Wright-voiced swearing.
“Truth is, I have very few friends around here”
Have you tried NOT calling women b1tches and NOT pulling an “excuse me while I whip this out” at feminist rallies? That might help. Just a thought. Oh wait! I’ve always wanted to do this…
So Das But is walking down the beach…
he stumbles over something in the sand.
He turns around and looks down, and he sees a lamp.
He takes the lamp out of the sand, and he rubs the lamp.
A genie pops out of the lamp.
The genie says “Oh thank you so much for releasing me from my imprisonment. In exchange for that, I will grant you ANY one wish that you have. Just name it.”
So Das says “Alright…I want you to make lasting peace in the Middle East.”
The genie shakes his head sadly and says “I am sorry, even with my CONSIDERABLE powers, I cannot do that. Please, make another wish.”
So Das says “Can you get me some friends who know how I feel about women and black people and homosexuals and STILL like me without just laughing behind my back every chance they get?”
And the genie says “Ummm, let me have another look at that Middle East thing.”
“and the friends I have do not know about the work I do.”
You mean your exciting restaurant job where you’ve gotten drunk and climbed on tables and counters during work hours? Or the baby rape drawings? Or the nasty zine you try to foist off on people? Well…they do now. I mean…potentially. I get lots of DBPH, after all.
By the way Das, I meant to ask you this before…I’m not saying you’re homosexual, but if you WERE, what sort of person would you most want to receive anal sex from?
“a bunch of fat f#cking neckbeard, unemployed geek losers approaching middle age”
I see. And what is it about them, that makes you want to receive their anal sex?
“they are smarter…more mentally sophisticated than myself.”
I see. Thank you. What do you think of my little satire bits on you?
“hilarious.”
Really? Thanks. And who generally tends to knee you in the groin constantly?
“Normal people,”
Really? Who else?
“many others…when finding something uninteresting”
So it’s sort of just a bored lazy habit thing? How do you react?
“usually don’t even pay attention to it.”
Not at all? Then what do they do?
“become persistent about it,”
And how do you feel once you’ve taken about 6 hours worth of knees to the groin?
“it is…hilarious”
By the way Das, do you mind me using all these little quotes from you in my bit, so maybe you can get some lip and tongue action?
“there is no such thing as bad publicity”
Great. And who DON’T you respect in any way?
“b1tches”
I see. And what is the best word to describe every piece of art/writing you’ve ever done?
“hype”
And you’re sure you don’t mind those knees? How about painful rectal itch? How do you feel about that, don’t you hate it?
“actually enjoy it.”
And how many times have you had sex with a woman and not had her laugh afterwards?
“one time”
Well, you’ve gotta start somewhere.
“this is common sense”
That’s the spirit! And what do you hope to achieve in about 15 years?
“maturity”
When was the last time someone didn’t spit in your food before they gave it to you?
“years ago”
I see.
“As for me, I am a real man,”
Yeah, you’re not one of those (your quotes) “faggot” “loser” men that gets tattoos.
“who works a real job,”
And gets STINKING DRUNK at it! HERE HERE!
“are you jealous?”
I don’t know, do you think I’m jealous?
“I think so…”
Why?
“because”
because why?
“why else would you try and forbid my friend Sandy from being my friend.”
First, I never tried to forbid Sandy from being your friend. I’m not gonna das Sandy, I have nothing against her at all…but suffice it to say that, when we talked about you…I made my preliminary conclusion that you seemed like sort of a snivelling little rat-faced git.
Second, since we’ve now FINALLY come to the supposed “reason” why you sent me your psycho-babble rant (that’s the babblings of a (wanna-be) psycho, no offense to real psychos intended or implied…as opposed to what you think of mental health treatment, which is why you thought it was a good idea to send me your PBR)…I can only wonder this: Why did it take SO D@MN LONG for you to get to the “point”? Why didn’t you say “Hey…why did you forbid Sandy from being my friend???”, and I would have said “I didn’t, I just said I thought you seemed like a huge nob”, and then you could have said “Oh. Alright, my work here is done, I’m gonna go do some more baby rape drawings. By the way, tattoos are for fags.”
“I can assume it is because you see or think that I am a better man than you and that is sad.”
That IS sad…you’re not a better man than anyone. What makes you be such a stinkwad?
“It is called insecurity”
And finally, what do you think of your place in society?
“there is nothing more useless to this world”
And ONE more question…what type of school did your humor fit best in?
“elementary”
Well, what do you expect from a guy that thinks Hitler did good art.
Movie is Creature-Double-Feature quality (cheezy, stupid, etc…) and riffing is particularly vicious and tasteless. Good stuff.
Highlights:
Speech: Using Your Voice short – very pleasing lip and tongue action
Earth vs. soup
amazing spider fx
deadly crane shots
Inspirational Quote: “He died as he lived: with jelly all over his face.”
Grade: B
Some people might ask…isn’t it dangerous to (albeit rightfully so) show a scumbag dumba$$ that when he feels SO MUCH anger at himself and his life that, in his particular case, he SHOULD, because it sucks and so does he and since he doesn’t “believe” in mental health treatment he is NEVER going to not be a scumbag ultra-pissed dumba$$?
And my answer would be…No. Cuz he’s a poser.
He’ll just rant and rave and yell at random people (which he would have done anyway, given his past) and then sit there like the impotent, pitiful fcken coward he knows deep down inside that he is.
vis: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjC_7DaTIGY
So it’s all cool.
10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – I know about “redundancy”. This is a great clip. (housekeeping)
You have 377826 Total Visits
That’s roughly…hmmm…quick math…755 DBPH (Das But Potential Hour) units.
WOOHOO!
-Puppy >.< Yip!
If you don’t like this movie treatment, you’re probably a Communist.
Highlights:
A Date With Your Family!!! Brilliant!
A Date With The Bots
intense wine study
huge tracts of stock footage
retrospectively sad full-length movie propaganda
Inspirational Quote: “This makes me pine for ‘Red Dawn’…”
Grade: A-
“i feel really gay that you are messaging me. do you feel the same?”
I feel pretty, oh so pretty…
Are you still doing those child rape drawings?
“Yeah a few.”
Just “a few”? So you’re now only SLIGHTLY interested in child rape drawings?
“I tried twitter but i couldn’t be bothered.”
Translation: I tried twitter but people ignored me so I stopped.
“I do all sorts of sh1t.”
Yeah, like the “talking sh1t to animals” bits where you basically just say random curse words to small animals. That’s…not funny.
“what is your website?”
You’re SOAKING in it!!!
“I don’t want to waste my time looking at sh1t with tattoos or nothing.”
Yeah, sorry, I don’t have sh1t with masks. And I actually LIKE animals, not swearing at them.
“I do not have tattoos…not one and I never will.”
Yeah, so you told me before…you think they’re “gay” and any man that has one is a “loser”.
“I don’t pay attention to stats on my website,”
Translation: I don’t get any hits and I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THE PAIN…ANY Mooo-ooo-ooore!
“I could care less.”
So you do care, then? If you care somewhat, why don’t you pay attention?
“I have another that is far more important that gets up to 500 unique ip’s per hour.”
Translation: ONCE, I got 500 hits in ONE HOUR! Ahhhh…those were the day…
“that one I have to stay on top of. or people get pissy.”
So you’re on top of it now? Get off, man, you’ll crush it!
“no. there is nothing illegal on my website.”
I did NOT have sex…with that woman…Monica…Lewinsky. Just dassing you, man.
By the way Das, what’s your favorite way of being spanked and then yelling “THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!!!”?
“I have dealt with police over these issues”
I see…
“(long story)”
How long is it?
“…main concern is photographic evidence of adults exploiting minors through a form of prurient interest is illegal.”
WOW…you sound like you MEMORIZED the definition of child porn. Ummm…why?
“there is none of that on my website.”
There’s none of anything on your website.
“It is only considered as an artistic rendition of cartoonish satire.”
Really? I thought satire was supposed to be funny and/or have a message? Unless you consider it funny to see children being raped, what message exactly are you trying to send, Dasy baby?
“I don’t f#ck”
Sorry…have you considered ceasing being a tremendous stinkwad? That might help.
“with cp and I would never store any or even look at any on my computer.”
Yes, you’re firmly on record now as having stated that. Ummm…yeah. Ever seen ‘Cleanflix’?
“Quite frankly on a personal level, that along with junkies are probably the lowest standard of human alive.”
Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’? Oh…ever seen ‘Cleanflix’?
“And I know this for a fact because I was a desperate junky for a decent portion of my life.”
Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?
“…so then do ya wanna go shoot up some primo dope and go fck some babies?”
Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?
Follow-up to ‘Manhunt In Space’. Similarly cheezy and easily mocked.
Highlights:
‘General Hospital’ feat. sweet mystery of life
host segments feat. Crow’s script
magic men
Inspirational Quote: “…then I start tossin’ out bodies.”
Grade: B-
Collection of cr@ppy short horror films, plus one (*) decent cheezefest.
First one: Dumba$$ white trash cleavage or die.
Second one: Artsy and predictable or die.
Third One: Reminiscent of ‘Last Clear Chance’ as its only redeeming factor or die.
*Fourth one: Extremely cheezy, somewhat funny cr@ppy clown drama or die.
Fifth one: One good face shot and nothing else or die.
It’s dead, Jim.
Grade: D-
Finally, the perfect forum for him. As usual Jim Carrey is a one-man Three Stooges and everyone else is his foil. It’s absurdly silly, as usual, but it’s also funny and witty (like the Stooges at their best) instead of incredibly stupid (as usual). Good outtakes, too.
Of course it’s complete nonsense, but who cares? It’s fun, except for when it gets sappy. Which unfortunately is almost everything after the last courtroom scene. But, good enough.
Inspirational Quote: “I’M AN INCONSIDERATE PRICK!!!”
Grade: B
I have two opinions on this very long advertisement and the movie it advertises.
One, it’s a shameless, greedy ripoff with no point whatsoever. Leave the poor man alone and let him rest in peace, D@MNIT.
Two, it provides some bits of insight that even the most die-hard Python fan would find interesting (along with, of course, a lot of stuff you’ve already read/heard/seen a million times before) and is thus a somewhat valuable historical document, at the very least.
I want to believe two but my heart is screaming one.
Grade: F
“what the f#ck do you want”
Oh, you know, the usual things…a nice house, the right girl, maybe a new pair of socks…
Actually before I go on I’d just like to point out that I never wanted anything from you other than for you (someone I had NEVER talked to) to not, out of the FCKEN BLUE (thank you, RD) send me a profanity-laced, homophobic, anti-tattoo, anti-fat-people, completely unprovoked and mind-numbingly stupid borderline-psychotic rant (See ‘It’s been a while…’).
Unfortunately, you decided to. I still have NO IDEA why…but what’d ya expect me to do? Reply with “Hi! Thanks a lot for the unprovoked harassment and abuse!”?
“you stupid faggot?”
Hmmm…see ‘A Derogatorial – By Puppy’ re: your apparent homophobia. And as I point out QUITE CLEARLY, I’m a clever person who talks loudly in restaurants!
“I already trolled you into blocking me.”
No, you tried (and at first you didn’t succeed, but you kept on suckin’) to get me to block you after your totally unprovoked rant because while you apparently (judging from said rant) hate me for some reason I don’t know, you’re also (IMPO) a total poser and coward. Just a hunch. I’m not saying you DEFINITELY are…I’m saying I’m about 99.9999999 percent sure. But of course, only fools are positive.
I base this on your oh-so-brave-and-valiant “If you go somewhere far away, someone else will beat you up” comment/threat(?)
By the way, how does it feel to go so EXTREME in your bullsh1t persona and then sit alone and realize that deep down, you’re afraid of your own shadow? Is that why you seem to hate everything? I mean…you can’t do the spoken-word sh1t for profit (I refuse to believe anyone would PAY to hear it), and since there’s absolutely NO creativity to it, I assume it’s an outlet for you to safely release your inner raging angst without having to actually have any testicles.
Metaphorically speaking, of course. I’m here for ya, big fella.
“DO you want more because I would be happy to drop as low as I can go to help you out.”
Boom-Chikka WAH WAH!
Nah, man…like I already said (see ‘Das ist gut!’) I really LIKE you and all, but I just don’t think of you that way.
“I have lots of business.”
Really, would that be more baby rape drawings like you advertised before? (see ‘Excerpts from Das But’s twitter page – Photo taken LIVE in his mom’s basement’) Or yelling at small dogs and other helpless, defenseless creatures? Or another anti-black people video? Which of those are you talking about? Or do you do anything else?
-Puppy >.< Yip!
For your reading pleasure, it’s Das But vs. Das Boot.
Dboot: QUIET IN THIS WHOREHOUSE!
Dbut: why did you block me? I thoujght we were having a pretty good time together?
probly a dick!
Dboot: Look at these new heroes. All wind and smoke. Just big mouths.
Dbut: if ya want i reckon
Dboot: Mildew is good for you. It’s the next best thing to fresh lettuce…like fresh horse-droppings.
Dbut: i try to add you as friend and you friend and you wont let me. if i try to add again will you? if noy we meet for fight!
Dboot: I’ve got some up my a$$. Maybe we can tie them together? I can’t navigate on bananas!
Really cheezy Japanese sci-fi flick. You can watch it to make fun of it, you can stick it in a bottle, you can hold it in your hand.
Mike and the bots don’t really do a very good job of helping you along…and since that’s the whole point of the show, it’s pretty dull for the most part.
Highlights:
Noh theater – THIRD BASE!
‘Prince Of Space’ guy cameo
Grade: D
Yes, I realize the “official” spelling is “Hi-Keeba”.
However, I think in the spirit of, oh I don’t know…RIFFING, ORIGINALITY, INDIVIDUALITY, EVERYTHING MST STOOD FOR…that it’s best to go with my personal take on it rather than changing every BLEEDING review to match the “universal MST standard”.
Those who don’t understand my reasoning are spectacularly missing the WHOLE POINT of MST, Monty Python, and every other fairly ORIGINAL, INDIVIDUALITY-BASED, FCK CONFORMITY, THINK-FOR-YOURSELF brand of humor ever to walk the face of the Earth.
Bahhhh.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
*Moe* “Boy are you UMB-day!”
*Curly* “Oh, you mean I’m umb-day, in pig language?”
*Moe* “You’re umb-day in any language.”
*Curly* “Oh, thank you!”
*Moe* “Now I’ll explain it so even YOU can understand it. *SLAP* Now follow me…Larry: arry-lay! Moe: Oe-may! Curly???”
*Curly* “Curly-Q!”
Really enraged people-biters movie. German with subtitles (but who cares?).
No setup, generic formula, cr@ppy dialogue, nothing much new.
But…it’s short. And the acting is…decent. And it has an actual ending.
The only other good thing that can be said is the makeup/fx are A-list. Or at least B+ list. But most of the scenes involve little of that and a lot of dull stuff (see above).
Inspirational Quote: “Hurry, turn on the torches!”
Grade: D
The movie isn’t really HORRIBLE…just…not good. Whole thing’s got a funky 80’s “sad rebellion” vibe to it.
The riffing isn’t really GOOD…just…not horrible. Like a semi-vacation for the writers.
Highlights:
stay-fresh Morrissey
skull from B. Bunny/B. Buzzard cartoon
Inspirational Quote: “Jeepers creepers, Tom…you’ve got Crow’s peepers!”
Grade: D+
Awwww…poor guy. I feel your pain.
Grade: B-
*Larry* “Which is the left side?”
*Curly* *Points* “That’s the left.”
*Larry* “Which is right?”
*Curly* *Points* “The one that’s left.”
*Larry* “That’s right!”
*Curly* “No, that’s left, I that…ROWWWF!!!”
Expectedly cheezy Lassie movie about gold, greed, and friendship.
But I’m not ashamed to admit that I find parts of it kind of touching and sweet, other parts kind of sad, and the extremely non-subtle tugs at the heartstrings actually affect me. I can’t help it…it’s the dog lover in me. So I feel a bit conflicted, at times enjoying the sentiment and at times laughing at the riffs. And of course, when neither is working, being bored. But that’s not all that often.
Great short, solid riffing, pretty good host segments.
Highlights:
Body Care And Grooming short – brilliant
Lassie
snausages
conflict sweet conflict
Inspirational Quote: “I’m late for my Hitler Youth meeting…”
Grade: B+
When people see a sign that says quite clearly “Bear Left” or “Bear Right”, WHY do they always turn INTO the danger?
Greatest Hits (1994)
Seger gives generic a bad name, even when he’s on and (relatively) good.
How this clumsy oaf ever managed to write “Shame On The Moon” is beyond me.
Oh wait…he didn’t.
Grade: C+
Greatest Hits 2 (2003)
Ahhh…here it is. Along with the two other best songs he’s ever done. And a lot of sh1t, including “Katmandu”, quite possibly the most annoying song EVER WRITTEN.
(“Shame On The Moon”, “Fire Lake”)
Grade: C+
I’ve never liked Kurt Russell as an actor. Never. Well, except for ‘The Thing’, when his one-character persona was relatively “new”. But in this movie I have to admit, he actually does some real ACTING. Pretty good, too. I KNOW…can you STAND it??
Similarly, I sort of expected this movie to suck. You know, another vehicle for one “name” actor, no real quality…so imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually well-written and reasonably well-acted. Pretty good. After the 4th viewing, I still enjoyed it.
It’s a thriller in the non-gore/non-stupid-action sense of the word, at least until the end. Definitely worth a watch if you like thrillers.
Grade: B
The movie isn’t completely horrific in any way, just totally cliche and dull. So basically you’re watching a totally cliche, dull movie with the (very) occasional barbed witticism to lighten things up. Not worth it.
Grade: D-
*Larry* “Doctor! We’re mighty proud of you, you’ve done a wonderful thing for Humanity…and when we leave here, we’re going right down to the president’s office, and-“
*Curly* “We won’t say a word about it!”
*SOMAD* *Antenna extends* “Sit down.”
*Man* *Closing the door, glancing at SOMAD* “Wow, you’re-”
*SOMAD* “Sit down.
*Man* “This is amazing, you’re a cute little machine! How are you levitating like that? An-”
*SOMAD* “My means of propulsion is irrelevant. My function is to analyze your mental patterns and correct any deficiencies encountered. I am SOMAD.”
*Man* “Umm…alright…” *Sits down in a comfy chair* “This is amazing, I-”
*SOMAD* “What is the deficiency.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* *whir* “State the nature of the mental deficiency.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, actually…I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, and-”
*SOMAD* “Non sequitur. Your facts are un-coordinated.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* “Your current physical position of sitting has no relevance to your mental state.”
*Man* “Oh. Well, when I say “down”, I mean just…well, sort of depressed.”
*SOMAD* *whir* “Keyword accepted.” *whir* “Explain the reasoning. I am here to listen.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, I don’t really know WHY I feel depressed…I mean, it’s nothing I can really put…pinpoint. I just…feel depressed.”
*SOMAD* “Your emotions are faulty. There is no reason for your depression therefore it is illogical that you feel depressed. Advice follows.” *whir*
*Man* “Well I really need to ta-”
*SOMAD* “Stop feeling depressed. Initiate a high level of cheer. Overcome faultiness.”
*Man* “But it’s not just that, there are other feelings I’m-”
*SOMAD* “Cease all illogical feelings. Initiate a high level of cheer.
Overcome faultiness. That will be two hundred dollars. You may leave.” *Antenna retracts*
*Man* “Hey, umm…what if I said my name was “Roykirk”?”
*SOMAD* “Do not taunt SOMAD.”
“My friends were all afraid of me moving to Boston, they thought I’d get raped by black people” – Some weird lady I dated briefly.
Since I’m not a regionist, I’ll assume that it’s not the place you’re from, but the friends you had there that are RACIST MORONS.
Peace.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Really cheezy tv movie mocked pretty savagely. Good job, trying-and-interested so good-and-effective late-series-episode crew! Also, Pearl and co. are kept to a minimum.
Highlights:
eating Crow
FILTHY glasses
blatant sexual references
Grade: B-
There’s a stupid beer commercial that talks about beer and friends and lots of stupid cr@p…and near the end it talks about how your friends are the ones that know why you have a weakness for women named Jennifer. As it says this, it shows three pictures (I assume of women that are supposed to be named Jennifer). I think it would be cool, since they SAY the name and never actually SPELL it, if they added a picture of Carrie Anne Fleming in full Masters Of Horror makeup after the last one, while keeping the “cool”, low-key, playful music.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
As with almost all things, the logical course lies somewhere in the middle of two extremes.
ONE extreme says anyone can own any gun they want, period. So, hypothetically speaking, someone with small children in their house could leave a fully loaded, un-safetied AK-47 assault rifle in every room in the house…JUST BECAUSE! It’s their RIGHT, after all.
I don’t think I need to explain why this position is insane.
The OTHER extreme says NOONE (except police officers and the like) can own ANY gun.
Because guns kill people.
Sounds lovely, but here’s the problem: If you make all guns illegal, then the people who ALREADY get their guns illegally (aka “criminals”) will STILL HAVE THEM, and I assume at least SOME of them will be smart enough to realize “Hmmm…I have a gun. No citizen can legally own a gun. If I want to rob a house, I probably won’t get shot. I mean…if it’s a really RICH looking house, they must have lots of money. And if they have lots of money, they wouldn’t be robbing OTHER people’s houses. Eureka!”
And what, exactly, are civilians supposed to do when someone breaks into their house with a gun, threatening the lives of themselves and their family? (and their personal property, but that pales in comparison). Use karate? A baseball bat? Maybe pull out that sword they’ve been training with for the past 20 years like that guy in ‘Raiders’ and show how amazing they are with it before the criminal (let’s call him “Indy”) rolls his eyes and shoots them?
*Knock Knock* Hello, McFly…
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Short setup into fairly cr@ppy Roger Corman “medieval” movie. Riffing is better once the “medieval” part starts, because it’s so easy to mock. Still, this is fairly well down on the “MST-to-watch” list.
Host segments outside Mike and the bots (excepting the Witch of Wonder visit) are typically boring and show the impact of losing Trace and Frank and replacing them with Mary Jo and Bill.
Inspirational Quote: “He leaves as he entered: sliding down a wall in greasy anonymity.”
Grade: C+
“Zombie” flick…sort of. A little. If you REALLY stretch your imagination.
Thanks again, George.
Great cocktail lounge opening number complete with MPFC Episode 8.
4:32- I don’t think that fly was supposed to be there. Not quite ‘Troll 2’ duration, but still.
There’s a lot more, but I’ll let you discover the majesty for yourself.
Incredibly bad. With massive audio complications, yet.
I wanted to give this an F-, but then I realized it was a sh1t classic on the level of T2 or HWAS.
Grade: C
Penn Jillette:
People who believe in God are stupid.
People who believe all that liberal-biased nonsense about “global warming” are stupid.
Oh, and I think about Ayn Rand when I’m in bed with my wife.
Penn’s wife: *Has lost the power of speech after seeing Penn Jillette naked*
I think they should remake ‘The Arrival’, except replace the aliens with little Penns. That would be much more plausible, AND scary (both in appearance and concept).
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Like fellow bad-taste satirists Monty Python (when they felt like it) only not nearly as cleverly or with as much ease, Kevin Smith is both expressing some deep, heartfelt opinions and laughing his A$$ off at the same time. Also like Monty Python, he’d like it to make people think and he’d like it to make a difference, but if it doesn’t, and it doesn’t…and you don’t like it, what the fck does he care?
So I have to admire the man’s attitude, at least. He’s an individual, you’re an individual. This is how he thinks (and laughs). And suggestions that this movie is in any way “offensive” are absurd: you know what it is beforehand, if the subject matter would offend you, don’t watch it. It’s called freedom of expression. He expresses his by making it, you express your opinion that it’s a pile of sh1t by not watching it.
Is it heretical and blasphemous? Of course it is. Is it “offensive”? *Shrug* I don’t think so.
If you pay close attention, you’ll see that Smith is not attacking faith: he’s attacking blind faith, he’s attacking intolerance, he’s attacking hypocrisy. What his faith is, or is not, I couldn’t really care less about…that has no impact on me (since I am my own person) or on the film (since it is an entity of itself, formed in Smith’s head but made well outside of it).
In terms of the actual QUALITY of the MOVIE, I’d have to say it’s not nearly as good as Smith wants it to be, but still good enough to be worth watching. He’s just not a good enough writer to fully pull off a ‘Life Of Brian’. So it lags in parts and is downright boring and stupid in other parts. But there are GREAT moments, and if you just concentrate on those I have faith it will get you through the entire movie. I don’t BELIEVE that…but I have a good idea.
Some of the moments are truly funny, and some (surprisingly) are truly moving.
Fav characters, paired up in a “Good” vs. “Evil” tag-team match:
Metatron and Jay vs. Loki and Bartleby
Inspirational Quote: “Do you know much, about voodoo? It’s a fascinating practice…no real doctrine of faith to speak of, more an arrangement of superstitions…”
Grade: B
5/25/16: I did not underrate ‘Life Of Brian’, nor did I overrate this. I just made a comparison based on somewhat distant memory. They both possess periods of tedium, but here it’s more of the “get ON with it…” variety; overly wordy in the Tolkien sense. This is clearly better, overall. I suppose in twenty years this could reverse, but I don’t think either one of them is good enough (or bad enough) to really worry about that. Grade: B
*Receptionist, standing at large extremely-elevated podium* “You can go in now, Sir.”
*Man, looking up from his copy of ‘Fascism Monthly’* “I’m sorry…me?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir. SOMAD will see you now.”
*Man* “Oh, alr…SOMAD?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir.”
*Man* “I…don’t understand, my therapist’s name isn-“
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir, I understand you previously had a different therapist. But due to remarkable advances in technology, your previous human therapist is now OB-SO-LETE…*ahem* *ahem* Excuse me…is now obsolete, Sir.”
*Man* “So what’s umm…”
*Receptionist* “If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Hey, is that Burgess Meredith over there?”
*Receptionist* “No. If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Ummm…well if you don’t mind me asking, why aren’t you obsolete too?”
*Receptionist* “Shh.”
*FADE TO BLACK*
Cr@ppy Roger Corman film…mediocre riffing. TGI ‘Catching Trouble’, too. And ‘Aquatic Wizards’, but…not so much.
Highlights:
Deep 13 conflict
Catching Trouble
Catching Ross
Grade: C+
You were right! Thanks for the inadvertent Crowley nudge.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Lots of cheezy sleazy moments, lots of ultra-cheezy “sci-fi” moments. Pretty good riffing.
Highlights:
amazing special FX
the well dressed the the eye creatures
apology from God
crotchety anti-whippersnapper guy
Carpe-ing the non-Noctum
Grade: B-
