Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Rammbock (2010)

Really enraged people-biters movie.  German with subtitles (but who cares?).

No setup, generic formula, cr@ppy dialogue, nothing much new.

But…it’s short.  And the acting is…decent.  And it has an actual ending.

The only other good thing that can be said is the makeup/fx are A-list.  Or at least B+ list.  But most of the scenes involve little of that and a lot of dull stuff (see above).

Inspirational Quote: “Hurry, turn on the torches!”

Grade: D

Mystery Science Theater 3000: City Limits (1992)

The movie isn’t really HORRIBLE…just…not good. Whole thing’s got a funky 80’s “sad rebellion” vibe to it.

The riffing isn’t really GOOD…just…not horrible.  Like a semi-vacation for the writers.

Highlights:
stay-fresh Morrissey
skull from B. Bunny/B. Buzzard cartoon

Inspirational Quote: “Jeepers creepers, Tom…you’ve got Crow’s peepers!”

Grade: D+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills (1993)

Expectedly cheezy Lassie movie about gold, greed, and friendship.

But I’m not ashamed to admit that I find parts of it kind of touching and sweet, other parts kind of sad, and the extremely non-subtle tugs at the heartstrings actually affect me.  I can’t help it…it’s the dog lover in me.  So I feel a bit conflicted, at times enjoying the sentiment and at times laughing at the riffs.  And of course, when neither is working, being bored.  But that’s not all that often.

Great short, solid riffing, pretty good host segments.

Highlights:
Body Care And Grooming short – brilliant
Lassie
snausages
conflict sweet conflict

Inspirational Quote: “I’m late for my Hitler Youth meeting…”

Grade: B+

Bob Seger

Greatest Hits (1994)

Seger gives generic a bad name, even when he’s on and (relatively) good.

How this clumsy oaf ever managed to write “Shame On The Moon” is beyond me.

Oh wait…he didn’t.

Grade: C+

Greatest Hits 2 (2003)

Ahhh…here it is.  Along with the two other best songs he’s ever done.  And a lot of sh1t, including “Katmandu”, quite possibly the most annoying song EVER WRITTEN.
(“Shame On The Moon”, “Fire Lake”)

Grade: C+

Breakdown (1997)

I’ve never liked Kurt Russell as an actor.  Never.  Well, except for ‘The Thing’, when his one-character persona was relatively “new”.  But in this movie I have to admit, he actually does some real ACTING.  Pretty good, too. I KNOW…can you STAND it??

Similarly, I sort of expected this movie to suck.  You know, another vehicle for one “name” actor, no real quality…so imagine my surprise when I discovered it was actually well-written and reasonably well-acted.  Pretty good.  After the 4th viewing, I still enjoyed it. 

It’s a thriller in the non-gore/non-stupid-action sense of the word, at least until the end.  Definitely worth a watch if you like thrillers.

Grade: B

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 6 – The Therapy Episode – Part 2)

*SOMAD* *Antenna extends* “Sit down.”
*Man* *Closing the door, glancing at SOMAD* “Wow, you’re-”
*SOMAD* “Sit down.
*Man* “This is amazing, you’re a cute little machine! How are you levitating like that? An-”
*SOMAD* “My means of propulsion is irrelevant. My function is to analyze your mental patterns and correct any deficiencies encountered. I am SOMAD.”
*Man* “Umm…alright…” *Sits down in a comfy chair* “This is amazing, I-”
*SOMAD* “What is the deficiency.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* *whir* “State the nature of the mental deficiency.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, actually…I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, and-”
*SOMAD* “Non sequitur. Your facts are un-coordinated.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* “Your current physical position of sitting has no relevance to your mental state.”
*Man* “Oh. Well, when I say “down”, I mean just…well, sort of depressed.”
*SOMAD* *whir* “Keyword accepted.” *whir* “Explain the reasoning. I am here to listen.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, I don’t really know WHY I feel depressed…I mean, it’s nothing I can really put…pinpoint. I just…feel depressed.”
*SOMAD* “Your emotions are faulty. There is no reason for your depression therefore it is illogical that you feel depressed. Advice follows.” *whir*
*Man* “Well I really need to ta-”
*SOMAD* “Stop feeling depressed. Initiate a high level of cheer. Overcome faultiness.”
*Man* “But it’s not just that, there are other feelings I’m-”
*SOMAD* “Cease all illogical feelings. Initiate a high level of cheer.
Overcome faultiness. That will be two hundred dollars. You may leave.” *Antenna retracts*
*Man* “Hey, umm…what if I said my name was “Roykirk”?”
*SOMAD* “Do not taunt SOMAD.”

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 29)

There’s a stupid beer commercial that talks about beer and friends and lots of stupid cr@p…and near the end it talks about how your friends are the ones that know why you have a weakness for women named Jennifer.  As it says this, it shows three pictures (I assume of women that are supposed to be named Jennifer).  I think it would be cool, since they SAY the name and never actually SPELL it, if they added a picture of Carrie Anne Fleming in full Masters Of Horror makeup after the last one, while keeping the “cool”, low-key, playful music.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Think This Through With Me – Gun Laws

As with almost all things, the logical course lies somewhere in the middle of two extremes.

ONE extreme says anyone can own any gun they want, period.  So, hypothetically speaking, someone with small children in their house could leave a fully loaded, un-safetied AK-47 assault rifle in every room in the house…JUST BECAUSE!  It’s their RIGHT, after all.

I don’t think I need to explain why this position is insane.

The OTHER extreme says NOONE (except police officers and the like) can own ANY gun.

Because guns kill people.

Sounds lovely, but here’s the problem:  If you make all guns illegal, then the people who ALREADY get their guns illegally (aka “criminals”) will STILL HAVE THEM, and I assume at least SOME of them will be smart enough to realize “Hmmm…I have a gun.  No citizen can legally own a gun.  If I want to rob a house, I probably won’t get shot.  I mean…if it’s a really RICH looking house, they must have lots of money.  And if they have lots of money, they wouldn’t be robbing OTHER people’s houses.  Eureka!”

And what, exactly, are civilians supposed to do when someone breaks into their house with a gun, threatening the lives of themselves and their family? (and their personal property, but that pales in comparison).  Use karate?  A baseball bat?  Maybe pull out that sword they’ve been training with for the past 20 years like that guy in ‘Raiders’ and show how amazing they are with it before the criminal (let’s call him “Indy”) rolls his eyes and shoots them? 

*Knock Knock* Hello, McFly…

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Undead (1997)

Short setup into fairly cr@ppy Roger Corman “medieval” movie.  Riffing is better once the “medieval” part starts, because it’s so easy to mock.  Still, this is fairly well down on the “MST-to-watch” list.

Host segments outside Mike and the bots (excepting the Witch of Wonder visit) are typically boring and show the impact of losing Trace and Frank and replacing them with Mary Jo and Bill.

Inspirational Quote: “He leaves as he entered: sliding down a wall in greasy anonymity.”

Grade: C+

Zombie Lake (1981)

“Zombie” flick…sort of.  A little.  If you REALLY stretch your imagination.

Thanks again, George.

Great cocktail lounge opening number complete with MPFC Episode 8.

4:32- I don’t think that fly was supposed to be there.  Not quite ‘Troll 2’ duration, but still.

There’s a lot more, but I’ll let you discover the majesty for yourself.

Incredibly bad.  With massive audio complications, yet.

I wanted to give this an F-, but then I realized it was a sh1t classic on the level of T2 or HWAS.

Grade: C

Penncil Logic – SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE

Penn Jillette:
People who believe in God are stupid.
People who believe all that liberal-biased nonsense about “global warming” are stupid.

Oh, and I think about Ayn Rand when I’m in bed with my wife.

Penn’s wife: *Has lost the power of speech after seeing Penn Jillette naked*

I think they should remake ‘The Arrival’, except replace the aliens with little Penns.  That would be much more plausible, AND scary (both in appearance and concept).

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Dogma (1999)

Like fellow bad-taste satirists Monty Python (when they felt like it) only not nearly as cleverly or with as much ease, Kevin Smith is both expressing some deep, heartfelt opinions and laughing his A$$ off at the same time.  Also like Monty Python, he’d like it to make people think and he’d like it to make a difference, but if it doesn’t, and it doesn’t…and you don’t like it, what the fck does he care?

So I have to admire the man’s attitude, at least.  He’s an individual, you’re an individual.  This is how he thinks (and laughs).  And suggestions that this movie is in any way “offensive” are absurd: you know what it is beforehand, if the subject matter would offend you, don’t watch it.  It’s called freedom of expression.  He expresses his by making it, you express your opinion that it’s a pile of sh1t by not watching it.

Is it heretical and blasphemous?  Of course it is.  Is it “offensive”? *Shrug* I don’t think so.

If you pay close attention, you’ll see that Smith is not attacking faith: he’s attacking blind faith, he’s attacking intolerance, he’s attacking hypocrisy.  What his faith is, or is not, I couldn’t really care less about…that has no impact on me (since I am my own person) or on the film (since it is an entity of itself, formed in Smith’s head but made well outside of it).

In terms of the actual QUALITY of the MOVIE, I’d have to say it’s not nearly as good as Smith wants it to be, but still good enough to be worth watching.  He’s just not a good enough writer to fully pull off a ‘Life Of Brian’.  So it lags in parts and is downright boring and stupid in other parts.  But there are GREAT moments, and if you just concentrate on those I have faith it will get you through the entire movie.  I don’t BELIEVE that…but I have a good idea.

Some of the moments are truly funny, and some (surprisingly) are truly moving.

Fav characters, paired up in a “Good” vs. “Evil” tag-team match:

Metatron and Jay vs. Loki and Bartleby

Inspirational Quote: “Do you know much, about voodoo?  It’s a fascinating practice…no real doctrine of faith to speak of, more an arrangement of superstitions…”

Grade: B

5/25/16: I did not underrate ‘Life Of Brian’, nor did I overrate this. I just made a comparison based on somewhat distant memory. They both possess periods of tedium, but here it’s more of the “get ON with it…” variety; overly wordy in the Tolkien sense. This is clearly better, overall. I suppose in twenty years this could reverse, but I don’t think either one of them is good enough (or bad enough) to really worry about that. Grade: B

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 5 – The Therapy Episode)

*Receptionist, standing at large extremely-elevated podium* “You can go in now, Sir.”
*Man, looking up from his copy of ‘Fascism Monthly’* “I’m sorry…me?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir.  SOMAD will see you now.”
*Man* “Oh, alr…SOMAD?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir.”
*Man* “I…don’t understand, my therapist’s name isn-“
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir, I understand you previously had a different therapist.  But due to remarkable advances in technology, your previous human therapist is now OB-SO-LETE…*ahem* *ahem* Excuse me…is now obsolete, Sir.”
*Man* “So what’s umm…”
*Receptionist* “If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Hey, is that Burgess Meredith over there?”
*Receptionist* “No.  If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Ummm…well if you don’t mind me asking, why aren’t you obsolete too?”
*Receptionist* “Shh.”

*FADE TO BLACK*

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back (1994)

They say “Yakkity Yak”. Solid episode.

Highlights:
pretentious guy
preachy guy
exciting chase

Highlight that becomes a Johann G. Lowlight:
Crow’s eternal solo

Inspirational Quote: “You know, not kneeing you in the groin is a constant struggle.”

Grade: B-

7/1/16: Aldo Farnese IS Krasner, and incredibly bad. Grade: B

A Non-Religious Intellectual Objection

Companies have to include birth control for women as part of “health care”?

I’m usually quite liberal, but how is that not insane?  I mean, do men get free condoms?

There’s a simple way to avoid becoming pregnant if you don’t have birth control:  DON’T HAVE SEX.  Or…let him pull out and…so on and so on.

Half kidding, but really…that’s absurd.  What’s next, toothpaste covered in healthcare as “preventative medicine”?

Seems slightly to me like a load of sexist pro-female horsesh1t.  *Shrug*

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Same-Day Edit: That was an uninformed, ignorant rant.
Apparently men CAN get free birth control.  And I was not intending to imply in any way that I am AGAINST birth control…live and let live, nothing religious about this question to me.  Birth control is sensible and downright…well, sensible if you don’t want to have a child. 
Nor did I intend to imply in any way that I am not “pro-female”.  In light of my ignorance, it seemed unfair to men.  Thus the misinformed comment.
And apparently all sorts of things are covered that aren’t, in my opinion, as necessary as others.  Viagra, for instance.
So in conclusion, let me wonder why the money spent on free Viagra and on free birth control (when it has no medical purpose, for women AND men exactly the same) isn’t spent on something more worthwhile.  Like stopping people from starving to death.  Just a thought…

“I know that this is vitriol…no solution, spleen-venting…but I feel better, having screamed…don’t you-ou-ou?” – R.E.M., “Ignoreland”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Hobgoblins (1998)

Unusually good for a post-Joel/Frank/Trace episode.

Helped greatly by a movie both completely cr@ppy and perfectly ripe for mockery: interesting enough in an awful way to prevent sleep/boredom and allow enjoyment of pretty good riffing.

Highlights:
amazingly wonderful characters
funky dance party
plot depth

and paraphrased guest highlight:
“Club S.C.U.M.”
“Oh, please…call me Club S.”
“No, I would rather go back to calling you Club S.C.U.M., Club S.C.U.M.”

Grade: B-

Jon Stewart – Political/Social Commentator (And Comedian)

Ordinarily (that is, 99 times out of 100) I would agree with Jon Stewart and disagree with Chris Wallace.  Because I am, in fact, a moderate liberal in my general political/social outlook.

But for Stewart to call Wallace “insane” for correctly pointing out that Stewart makes CONSTANT mocking political/social commentaries, using humor, as a means of provoking change (see “Satire”) is just plain wrong.

Stewart is extremely intelligent, and so I can’t assume that Stewart doesn’t KNOW what he’s doing.  Therefore, the only other conclusion is that he’s lying when he pretends not to know. At least, I can’t think of another one.

Almost all of Stewart’s bits have a political/social context.  And he makes quite clear how he stands on each issue.  Why noone outside of the insane far-right has the guts to point this out at once sickens and amazes me.  I mean, you hate sheep, but you BAAAA in response to this guy? I know he’s really smart and it takes guts to potentially incur his wrath, but come on…let’s not be hypocrites or cowards, eh?  Isn’t that what we hate so much?

So, sorry Jon, but you’re a liar.  You KNOW your show is a liberal-slanted political/social commentary show, NOT a straight “comedy” show.  I mean, you’re not an idiot.  You’re actually VERY intelligent, and most of the time I agree with you, which makes it very difficult for me to point out the fact that you are, in reality, a liar.

Sorry.  But you’re a really GOOD, FUNNY liar!

At least, I’m 6.9 on all that.

Point of commentary: THINK FOR YOURSELF!  Anyone that gets ALL their “news” from ‘The Daily Show’/’The Colbert Report’ is just as ignorant as those that get ALL their “news” from Faux News.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Scandal

Scandal (1982)

One decent Smith song, no decent Smyth songs.  But it’s short.

Grade: D

The Warrior (1984)

A poor man’s sellout Heart.  Although they did write the best one themselves. 

Re: the cover – Better than Herman Menderchuk.
(“Beat Of A Heart”)

Grade: C

In Search Of Lovecraft (2009)

Spoiler: They don’t find him.  Why not?  He’s dead, that’s why not.

An alarming trend: Movies-as-documentaries, to justify the sh1tty quality.

Consistently dull and tedious.  And pretentious.  Try ‘In The Mouth Of Madness’ instead.

1:19:19 – There’s logistically illogical blood on that thar face!
1:23:39 – Suggested rewrite: “Haikiba!”

Favorite Scene: Driving on a road, cut to view of Earth from space, back to driving on road.  Just to give us a better sense of where exactly they are.

Grade: F

Robert Plant

Pictures At Eleven (1982)

After listening to this several times, I could finally remember the songs that had the best hooky riffs: “Burning Down One Side” and “Fat Lip”.  But I still had no idea what they were about, nor did I care.

Grade: C-

The Principle Of Moments (1983)

It’s pretty pop atmosphere in contrast to his previous album’s hardish rock hooks.  But Plant isn’t the same without Page, and exactly one song on this album has more than atmospheric charm.
(“In The Mood”)

Grade: C

Shaken ‘N’ Stirred (1985)

The meaningless little ditty is “Little By Little”.  That’s the “good” song.

Grade: D-

Now And Zen (1988)

Nothing worthwhile except the single, which is hooky and hilarious.
(“Tall Cool One”)

Grade: D

Young Guns (1988)

Most of this is just cheap action/”drama” flick, all noise and commotion and trite “sentimentality”…adolescent instead of adult, which was perfect for me at the time it came out, but not so much now.  I used to hate when that happened…now I can generally see it coming.

But I enjoy this movie (somewhat) as a guilty pleasure.

Mainly because of Emilio Estevez as Billy the Kid: Smiling like an evil cherub, fresh-faced and harmless back-and-forth with cold-blooded and merciless, fearless and with lots of wisecracks at both ends that he finds hilarious even if noone else does.  And sometimes I do.

Quality admired in the real Billy: Loyalty.

Inspirational Quote: “Hey Peppin…Charlie Crawford ain’t with ya anymore.”

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Gotta love Billy. Grade: C-

The Last Lovecraft: Relic Of Cthulhu (2009)

If you take this (as you should) as a lighthearted, tasteless, self-mocking treatment of its subject matter (which, while admittedly brilliant, is ripe for such a treatment)…it’s sorta fun.  Coulda been a lot BETTER, but not bad.

Inspirational Quote: “I’ll never be your dungeonmaster again.”

Grade: C

Pupdate – 1/23/13

Regarding:
Inaccurate percentages in ‘Analysis Of “Goths – Analysis of a Subculture (By Puppy)”‘
‘Worshipping the Inevitable – Satire by Puppy’
‘Why The Ignorant Deny Beauty and Love’
‘Gore Film Afficionados – Analysis of a Subculture (By Puppy)’
‘Goths – Analysis of a Subculture (By Puppy)’

Some people feel intense sorrow, pain, depression and other “negative” emotions because it’s just how they are, others because they’ve experienced intense suffering of some sort.

How anyone (myself included) can in any way fault anyone like this for how they feel is, at this point, beyond me.  How you act can be faulted, but not how other people act TOWARDS you.

And feelings are never “wrong”, nor are they “right”…they simply are.  From positively perpetually happy to abysmally sad/depressed.

Apologies to anyone I offended by my snide, arrogant complete ignorance regarding this.

-Puppy

Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog (2008)

How many different variations do Joss Whedon fans really need on Joss Whedon? 

Wittiness having flatlined at the same level for years, fairly amusing, kinda sweet, kinda sappy, kinda cliche, teen-angst “romantic”, eye-roll inducing and hard to take at times, mainstream enough for a normal person but made for a dork, dumb enough for everyone but made for a 21-35 year old demographic, that guy from ‘Firefly’…over and over and over again, in different settings.

This one’s got sh1tty songs, too!

Grade: D