Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Minority Report (2002)

Visually and thematically brilliant.

Intelligent, provocative, creepy, and well-written.

Cruise’s character functions with the precision and speed of a highly effective machine.  No surprise, since it’s Tom Cruise.  Although he does show one emotion very convincingly: Anger.

At one point there’s an act of timing that makes that one really impressive moment from ‘Ink’ watchable, without having to watch ‘Ink’.

Peter Stormare plays an intelligent weirdo.  Big surprise.  He plays him very well.  Bigger surprise.

Let me guess:  There are people today who don’t find this frightening, but rather a comforting hope for the (according to some of what I’ve read, very near) future.  After all, with continued technological and scientific advancement inherently comes continued human moral advancement.

Just have to work the kinks out.

One hour, 32 minutes: Behold, the on-your-knees worship of ultimate biological perfection.  The machine has not become the ultimate human being, the human being has become the ultimate machine.  Does it make any difference?

Dig the efficient, fully automated factory…human workers required: NONE!

One problem: The ending is too quick and too simplistic compared to the rest.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…I like you, so…”

Grade: A

3/29/17: “Specify.” The mistake made is completely out of character, given all the rest. It’s like Spock’s mishandle in ‘Balance Of Terror’.

“In other words, he…”
“And that, is impossible.”

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – A very good clip from a mediocre episode.

I wonder how many people are disappointed at the final target. A$$holes. Grade: A

Karate-Robo Zaborgar (2011)

Great, Japan.  You’ve made the stupidest movie in the history of the world.

I was going to explain in detail how AWFUL every single thing about this movie was until I realized I just couldn’t stop laughing.  For the first part.  During the second part I went back and forth between laughing, yawning, and checking how much time was left.

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t want to watch this.”

Grade: C-

The Theatre Bizarre (2011)

Quick setup into short movies.  The intro is decent and (more importantly) quick and the interludes/finale are well-made and, as advertised, both theatrical and bizarre.

First feature: Very silly.  GREAT relationship: He obviously is with her for her amazing conversational abilities (and she’s great in the sack).  She obviously is with him because she shares his deep spiritual/historical curiosity (and he’s great in the sack).

Second feature: Well-acted and fairly convincing.  Ah…L’Amour.

Third feature: Tom Savini directing…opening reaction: YAY!
Abusive husband deals with some very disturbing dreams.  Intelligent and creepy.  And gory, of course…Savini’s gotta flex the mastery he’s developed over the years.  Nay, decades.

Fourth feature: Ruminations on life and death.  Fairly interesting.

Fifth feature: Clever, creepy, gory, thought-provoking, and extremely disturbing.  The best.

Sixth feature: Sickeningly-sweet ruminations on inane breakup cliches and shallow, self-centered, self-absorbed scumbags.

It’s all quite gruesome and somewhat artsy, but if you can deal with (or prefer) that sort of thing, it’s pretty good overall.

Grade: B-

V/H/S (2012)

Mostly hype. 

A collection of short horror films with a bad setup to get to them.

As far as such things go, it’s pretty well made.  It’s not intentionally ragged/chaotic to adhere to the “setup”.  It’s intentionally ragged/chaotic because that’s easier and a LOT cheaper to make, and some people prefer it.  Call me a cynic, but I’m 6.9 on that.

Unfortunately the only “shorts” worth watching beyond technical achievement awards are the first (which begins when they pop in the first tape) and the last (which begins after the setup screeches to a halt).

First: ‘When Horrible Things Happen To Drunk Men’
Fifth: ‘Random Creepy Sounds And Images’

Fifth doesn’t begin til around 1:39:30.  Everything in between is useless sh1t.

Grade: D

Same-Day Edit: Ok, so it’s creepy throughout.  So is a bad ‘Twilight Zone’ episode.  You know, the ones where it’s all buildup buildup buildup and then BAM…nothing.  That’s this movie, except for the first short (which is pretty scary as well as creepy) and the mish-mash ending (which doesn’t make much sense to me but IS very creepy, and chaotic, and has a real ending). 

So watch the first, skip to 1:39:30, watch the chaos until you’ll-know-when, turn it off, and pretend the rest was any good.  Because it wasn’t.  Grade: D+

Obama To Use The Phrase “So Help Me God” In Oath Of Inauguration

If he does nothing else in his second term, the wave of fervent, seething CA/A angst this has already produced (particularly amongst the very same liberals who struggled mightily to achieve this moment) almost brings a tear to my eye.  I don’t care if he MEANS it…just that him choosing to say whatever words he wants to say (you know…freedom of speech/expression) makes people who supposedly support free speech get so foamy at the mouths.

BTW, memo to Stephen Hawking: a woman has a vagina, as opposed to you having a penis. 

Hope that helps you understand.

Other than that, to suggest that “women” are a complete mystery is ignorant, sexist, and just plain dumb.

Let me splain, Steve…women are like men, only female. 

Like men, they have WILDLY varied personalities, beliefs, temperaments, etc, etc etc…depending on the INDIVIDUAL, not the sex organs.

You know…they’re not all the same.  There’s no equation for them.

On the good side…he DID come up with this gem of a quote, which I completely agree with (and which must really irk some of his devotees): “People who boast about their IQ are losers.”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Dragonslayer (1981)

As D+D/fantasy movies from my childhood go, this doesn’t hold up anywhere near as well as ‘Clash Of The Titans’.  The special effects are pitiful even by the standards of the day, and the story is utterly simplistic.

But I can’t help but retain a certain fondness for it…and it did in some small way help inspire my subsequent (and lasting) love for fantasy/roleplaying.  Who knows, without this and movies like it I might never have gleefully selected the relatively new ‘Monster Manual’ as a prized birthday gift: great cover, and perfect for repeated front-to-back readings on rainy days.  It’s wise to study the ways of one’s enemies, after all.

Anyone under 30 but older than, say, 8 and anyone with no interest in D+D should ignore this.

Nostalgia fans and hard-core fans of the genre will probably enjoy it in a wistful way, perhaps even smiling slightly at the relative simplicity and innocence of the story and of the time, in reality, that it evokes.

Grade: D

Underworld (2003)

Ok, so supposedly this is Vampires/Werewolves For Morons.

And in a lot of ways, it is.  The story is often cliche and never really surprising in any way.  Aside from Kate Beckinsale and (to a lesser extent) Scott Speedman, and maybe a coupla others with bit parts so who gives a sh1t, the acting is pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The “romance” is pretty predictable, but it’s still kinda fun to watch because it involves the only two relevant characters that aren’t pretentious, cliche, and dull.

The FX are good and it’s very stylish and dark in a smooth, seemingly effortless way.  Which is great during action scenes, but useless when something has to be acted out, explained, or discussed.

Based on her acrobatic ability, deadliness, funky black outfit and taste for blood I dub Beckinsale’s character ‘Aeon Sux’. She speaks with a British accent so that makes her more interesting, of course.  And what she says by definition has more meaning, as well.

So yeah, it’s pretty fcken dumb.  But it’s well-made enough that it’s a bit of fun if you like this sort of thing.  Vampires, werewolves, forbidden romances, dark gothiness, extreme pretension…stuff like that.

Further installments promise to suck.

As for sides, how can you take one?  I mean, what do the vampires and werewolves both do?  They try to kill each other.  Isn’t that what different groups of humans do? 

Extreme power, same base unevolved morality.

I’ll take the guard dogs any day.  If only the vampires hadn’t imitated humans yet again, and taught them to be vicious when they’re born to be loving.

Grade: D+

The Devil Inside (2012)

I wondered, at first, why this was a popular view on Netflix streaming recently.  Then I thought, “Hey…wasn’t this actually a REAL movie-theater movie recently?”.  Then I found out it totally bombed.  Then I realized WHY it was available on Netflix streaming.  Then I realized that when it comes to new horror movies, beggars can’t be choosers.

Professional waste of time.  Except for the extra that decides to check out the lead’s a$$.

Grade: F

Hall & Oates

The Very Best Of Daryl Hall & John Oates (2001)

What exactly were they exceptional at, in any way?

I heard most of these hits when they were fresh, and even then they seemed like second-class pop-by-numbers.  And I was a CHILD.

The fact that I can’t deny the hooks doesn’t mean they add up to much of anything.

Grade: D

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: A Historical Perspective (1994)

Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man who achieved great things.

But this documentary isn’t great.  It’s a simple recital of facts, as dry as a textbook but not as informative.  Everything contained in it is better off read/researched, as there is very little emotional appeal to this presentation.

Grade: D

Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits

It’s very difficult for a documentary to stink.

You do your research, you get your footage, you have someone recite the lines, you film it, you stop.

So after seeing legions of terrible movies, the simple competence almost inherent to the documentary form was a welcome relief.

But simple competence isn’t enough…there have to be flashes of insight, moments of inspiration, true revelations that are moving in at least some way.

If not, you might as well just research the subject online.

Therefore, I’m going through my documentary grades and editing them with this in mind.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

How To Train Your Dragon (2010)

What technically is the main story: the “vikings”, training, dragon life, humans vs. dragons…is merely ok.  A lot of the dialogue is mediocre/predictable, a lot of the characters are boring, and even some of the DRAGONS are boring.

The three things that make this movie worth watching:
The impressive visuals, particularly the flying scenes (which at their best recall ‘Avatar’).
The score, which seems to mesh most effectively when paired with a flying scene and/or boy/dragon scene.
The friendship between boy and dragon, which is truly touching and the REAL focus of the movie.

Most of the other relationships seem forced, inserted out of necessity, and/or sappy/dull.

There’s a movie-long allegory here about not judging books by their covers, mutual acceptance, respect of differences between all, etc…which I AGREE with completely, but it’s a bit too obviously stated for me.  And I already knew all of that.

So it’s a bit too childish…great for kids both to watch and enjoy and to hopefully learn from, but too dumbed-down for my taste.  I still enjoy it, though…I just think, every time it hits a high point and then drops to a low point, that it could have been a lot better if it was more ambitious.

GREAT ending, though.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…we have…DRAGONS.”

Grade: B-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 26)

Ok, so there’s that terrible movie ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate’.

Now, I know from its use in the movie that “Manos” is intended as a proper name for some sort of demon or something, but I also infer from the hands on the weird high mucky-muck’s robes that it’s a reference to hands.  Also, the title is a bit of a giveaway…and “manos” does mean “hands” in Spanish.

So my question is…for the ultra-sought-after foreign releases of ‘Manos’, how is it titled?

Like, in countries whose primary language is Spanish, it would make sense for it to be called:

‘Hands: Las Manos Del Destino’?

That’s Plannin’, Isn’t It? Forethought.

Brendon Ayanbadejo: The Art Of Working The Officials

Call it a hunch, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that what Ayanbadejo was really saying translates to the following, four or five times in a row:

“My team and I are very worried that we won’t be able to stop the Patriots’ no-huddle hurry-up offense.  Therefore, even though it’s perfectly legal to snap the ball on offense once the offense is set at the line and the signal is given by the referee, regardless of whether the defense has “set itself” the way it wants (come on, it’s football…any quarterback who politely waits patiently while the defense sets itself until given a “thumbs up” ready-to-go signal by a LB may be a gentleman, but he’s also a MORON), since that hurts our chances to win I want to try to stop it.  So I’ll just comment OVER and OVER hinting at the “illegality” of it, even though it’s not illegal, and hope it has at least some subconscious effect on the way the referees call the game.  Hey, it can’t hurt.”

Pretty smart, really.  Not very gentlemanly, though.  But WTF cares?  It’s football, get over it.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

John Landis is one of the few voices of “Yes, this IS a sea of sh1t” reason amongst a vast array of people trying to give any meaning at all to cr@ppy 70’s exploitation films shot in the Philippines.  So most of this documentary is as meaningless as those movies, but it’s fun to laugh at, especially at the pretentiousness of some of the “This has real value!” proponents, most notably Roger Corman.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012)

OK…up to around the 57-58 minute mark this movie is just really: stupid, silly, campy, ridiculous, and disgusting.  But I am fairly certain all the time I’m watching that it was meant to be, and this assurance and hope for eventual payoff keeps me somewhat interested.

Then something happens (wait for it…), and it just reaches that ‘Dead Alive’ level of sublime absurdity that is actually quite rare, both by movies TRYING to reach it, and by those that just happen to reach it by accident.  Therefore it becomes interesting to laugh at and say/think “What the FCK is this???”, if you don’t mind complete tastelessness/camp.

Think ‘RoboCop’ meets ‘Star Wars’ in some really silly alternate universe.

Re: ‘Pupdate – 1/14/13’: I said “soon”.

Inspirational Quote: “I wanna go home!”

Grade: C-

Deep Space (1988)

Nein.

Time spent coming up with pre-emptive review: 2 seconds.

Time spent watching movie as a necessary evil to fully and completely confirm the accuracy of pre-emptive review: 5,441 seconds.

That’s the painful but necessary price of critical integrity.

This is INCREDIBLY bad, making me wonder why it wasn’t MST’d…it’s basically ‘Mitchell’ meets a really dull, sad version of ‘Alien’ while listening to WKRP in Cin-ci-nahhh-ti.

Grade: F-

Pupdate – 1/13/13

“You have 218573 Total Visits“

Well, Young and Cobain both said it’s better to burn out than fade away…

So…

Hmmm…here goes…

“I, Puppy, hereby decide to give up all my ideals and principles and all the work I’ve put into this for almost 2 1/2 years.  In short, ladies and gentlemen, I surrender.

Yours Humbly,

Puppy.”

*Moderate Pause*

“Oh…

P.S. – I changed my mind, kiss my a$$!” (He really was a funny guy).

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Divisional Playoff)

Apparently commercial writers think all football fans are complete morons.

Latest brilliant nugget:

Apparently (X) tv service is better than riding on a motorcycle with a woman sitting on the seat behind you dressed in a leather-ish outfit and carrying two crossbows with a burning bolt in each which she shoots into the air as you spin the motorcycle around and they fly up and explode and turn into a blazing tiger head figure.

Who knew?

Dracula: The Vampire & The Voivode (2008)

The information on Vlad the Impaler DOES come, after about 45-50 minutes.  Until then it’s basically a study of Bram Stoker and the influences on the creation of his most famous book.  And near the end it turns into a documentary/tourist guide of Romania.

Sometimes it’s quite interesting and at other times it’s dull…it could have been much better given the subject matter.

Also, it features a woman who seems WAY too interested in vampires.  I’m not an expert on body language, but if you gently play with your hair while talking about “sexy” and “beautiful” vampires, I’m gonna guess that suggests something.  (boom-chikka wah wah).

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

The Value Of Scientific Proof

Every hundred (or less, or more?  Dunno…I can’t prove it either way, but I’m 6.9 it’s around that) years or so the previous “scientific facts” are “proven” to be wrong.

That’s just dumb.

Conclusion: If you put all your Faith (Ha!) in science and adhere to it like an obstinate tick without regard for anything else, you are an illogical moron.

Recent Headline: ‘Largest Structure In Universe, Large Quasar Group, Challenges Cosmological Principle’

Basically scientists proudly announced the proven existence of something that was widely assumed by scientists could not/should not exist.

Brilliant.

P.S.: I have a theory on Richard Dawkins’ degree of certainty of the non-existence of God.  My theory goes as follows and begins now- Richard Dawkins is repressing some sexual desire. 

I think the fact that he chose to separate the six and the nine by a period might also indicate a certain line which he simply will not cross.  Or WILL HE?

Boom-chikka-WAH WAH!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

My Sucky Teen Romance (2011)

If you’re a friend of Emily Hagins, AKA “Zombie Girl”, you’ve seen this already and probably thought it was really fun to watch.  I’m sure she had fun making it, too, just like ‘Pathogen’.  It’s probably better than anything I could ever make.

Unfortunately, that’s as much “praise” as I can POSSIBLY give this.  A movie written and directed by an 18-year-old, while a LOT better than one written and directed by a then-12-year-old, is still pretty amateurish, predictable, and dull for the rest of the viewing public beyond friends/family.

At least, this one is.

That’s all, really.  End of cute story.  ‘Zombie Girl’ is probably the most interesting thing she’ll ever be involved in.  I mean, come on…fun is fun, but unless she starts actually improving noticeably as a REAL filmmaker, there’s really no point in going on making films.  I don’t grade on a curve…if it sucks, it sucks.  And this does.

At least she titled it appropriately.

Grade: F

We’re All Winners Here!

I recently read an article that claimed Carmelo Anthony came out the “winner” in his little spat with Kevin Garnett.

Knicks’ record in two games Anthony was absent mentally and/or physically: 0-2

So, if your actions on and off the court make your team go 0-2 and that makes you a “winner”, you must be talking about winner in the Little League “Everyone’s a winner!” sort of way.

Memo to anyone who cares what KG says:  Why?  See Paul Pierce’s quote about Spike Lee.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

GREAT Idea – By Puppy

Since the amount of Crusading Atheists/Antitheists in the United States is greatly outnumbered by the amount of Theists/Agnostics/Non-Crusading Atheists, here’s an idea…

First of all, let’s clarify something.  There’s not really a “War On…” (Religion, Christmas, Christianity, Etc…) going on in the US.  That’s a misuse of the word “war”, in my opinion.  You see, the word “war” indicates a struggle in which two sides are engaged and both hold out at least SOME reasonable hope for victory.

And I’m not SURE on this, but I’m a 6.9 that since Crusading Atheists/Antitheists are vastly outnumbered by non CA/As, the CA/As don’t really have ANY “reasonable”, plausible hope for victory.  I mean, that’s like saying the Democratic Party in China or the Nazi Party in America is engaged in a “war” for control of the government.  It might please the respective minorities to THINK so, but come on…Nazis aren’t taking over the US, and China’s government isn’t falling to a Democratic coup.  That’s just…well…fairy tale talk.

SAME-DAY EDIT: NO, I am NOT ripping off Jon Stewart.  Jon Stewart compared it to the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Washington Generals.  The difference is, when you watch those two teams play, EVERYONE knows who is going to win (at least, on a 6.9 certainty scale) INCLUDING the WASHINGTON GENERALS.  There’s no pre-game speech about how “We can beat them if we really really try!” going on…it’s a joke, it’s meant to be a joke, everyone (including the participants) KNOWS it’s a joke.  Big difference, as CA/As don’t generally realize how funny they are.  You know, they’re just funny.  Like, you know…funny, what?

So, let’s say it’s more of a very small scale, outfunded, outresourced, vastly outmanned minor guerrila conflict on religion.  That’s a much more appropriate military comparison.  Basically they can annoy and harass and cause minor incidental damage, but there’s no non-lunatic/fanatic that thinks, as a CA/A, they’re actually going to WIN.  I mean, come on…really.  Fairy Tales, man!!!

So here’s the idea:

If you’re a theist, or if you’re just PISSED OFF about the general arrogance and obnoxious attitude of the CA/A movement, for every article you read about a poster/picture/etc being forced to be taken down at a school/courthouse/public setting, PUT TWO OF THEM UP on a PRIVATE setting.  So, one less picture of even minor religious significance taken down, two put up.  Perfectly legal…just put a couple signs on your lawn.  I mean, it’s private property, they can’t question the legality of that.

This will accomplish two things: 
1) It will, in effect, force the CA/As and their lawyers to spend money and time for NOTHING.  In fact, they will be spending money and time to PUT UP A RELIGIOUS SIGN!  BRILLIANT!

2) It will REALLY piss them off.  Which, since you can’t really talk to them rationally, is kinda cool along with “Ignoring them and hoping they go away”.  But they’re persistent little angsty buggers!

SEE ALSO: ‘How To Deal With Crusading Atheists/Antitheists – A Useful Guide (By Puppy)’

Just an idea.  Feel free to elaborate on it in any legal/intelligent fashion you wish.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Subtle Difference

There’s a difference between having a fairly good command of the English language and being an obnoxious, dogmatic slave to it.

For instance, slang is (to most people, including myself) a legitimate form of expression.  I mean, come on…language isn’t mathematics.  Sure, there are certain basic rules that everyone has to follow, but the point of language is for people to COMMUNICATE and be able to UNDERSTAND each other.

It’s NOT to see who can memorize the most variations of the same word and sprinkle them liberally throughout their conversations so they look really smart when they’re quite possibly a dumba$$.

You see, because language falls in the middle ground between logic and creativity, you can create (oops!) something that is understandable and ALSO inspiring/moving/original.

You know, cuz not ALL movies are ENTIRELY grammatically correct.  Not ALL books are ENTIRELY grammatically correct.  That’s part of the CHARM.  The only people who don’t get this are those whose logical intelligence is Einstein and whose creative intelligence is stick figure drawings.

If you want perfect language, stripped of all the unnecessary and cumbersome illogical words, get a copy of the Newspeak Dictionary from the Party.  Doubleplusgood!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Popatopolis (2009)

The trials and tribulations of a visionary filmmaker whose magnificent festerings are only held up by the persistent problems of others, who are invariably less talented than he is.

This is for people for whom watching the final, pristine cut of B-movies isn’t enough.  They need the raw footage, before all the grandeur is stripped away by slick editing.

Actually in all seriousness it’s a documentary that’s as dull as the subject matter demands, unless it’s MST-ing itself, which is only occasionally.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not Picasso.  I’m more like the guy who paints Elvis on velvet.”

Grade: D

Zombie Town (2007)

Generic cr@ppy zombie flick, until the hissing slugs make an appearance.  Then it gets campy/gory in a bit of a ‘Slither’ vein, but not nearly as good/funny/interesting/visually impressive.  And of course there’s cr@ppy incidental music.

Features two guys going up to a cabin for a towjob.

Knowledge gained: When a friend is being eaten alive by a zombie and screaming desperately for help, do more than poke the offending zombie with the stick end of a broom repeatedly in an attempt to shoo it off.

Grade: D