Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

How To Train Your Dragon (2010)

What technically is the main story: the “vikings”, training, dragon life, humans vs. dragons…is merely ok.  A lot of the dialogue is mediocre/predictable, a lot of the characters are boring, and even some of the DRAGONS are boring.

The three things that make this movie worth watching:
The impressive visuals, particularly the flying scenes (which at their best recall ‘Avatar’).
The score, which seems to mesh most effectively when paired with a flying scene and/or boy/dragon scene.
The friendship between boy and dragon, which is truly touching and the REAL focus of the movie.

Most of the other relationships seem forced, inserted out of necessity, and/or sappy/dull.

There’s a movie-long allegory here about not judging books by their covers, mutual acceptance, respect of differences between all, etc…which I AGREE with completely, but it’s a bit too obviously stated for me.  And I already knew all of that.

So it’s a bit too childish…great for kids both to watch and enjoy and to hopefully learn from, but too dumbed-down for my taste.  I still enjoy it, though…I just think, every time it hits a high point and then drops to a low point, that it could have been a lot better if it was more ambitious.

GREAT ending, though.

Inspirational Quote(s): “…we have…DRAGONS.”

Grade: B-

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 26)

Ok, so there’s that terrible movie ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate’.

Now, I know from its use in the movie that “Manos” is intended as a proper name for some sort of demon or something, but I also infer from the hands on the weird high mucky-muck’s robes that it’s a reference to hands.  Also, the title is a bit of a giveaway…and “manos” does mean “hands” in Spanish.

So my question is…for the ultra-sought-after foreign releases of ‘Manos’, how is it titled?

Like, in countries whose primary language is Spanish, it would make sense for it to be called:

‘Hands: Las Manos Del Destino’?

That’s Plannin’, Isn’t It? Forethought.

Brendon Ayanbadejo: The Art Of Working The Officials

Call it a hunch, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that what Ayanbadejo was really saying translates to the following, four or five times in a row:

“My team and I are very worried that we won’t be able to stop the Patriots’ no-huddle hurry-up offense.  Therefore, even though it’s perfectly legal to snap the ball on offense once the offense is set at the line and the signal is given by the referee, regardless of whether the defense has “set itself” the way it wants (come on, it’s football…any quarterback who politely waits patiently while the defense sets itself until given a “thumbs up” ready-to-go signal by a LB may be a gentleman, but he’s also a MORON), since that hurts our chances to win I want to try to stop it.  So I’ll just comment OVER and OVER hinting at the “illegality” of it, even though it’s not illegal, and hope it has at least some subconscious effect on the way the referees call the game.  Hey, it can’t hurt.”

Pretty smart, really.  Not very gentlemanly, though.  But WTF cares?  It’s football, get over it.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Machete Maidens Unleashed! (2010)

John Landis is one of the few voices of “Yes, this IS a sea of sh1t” reason amongst a vast array of people trying to give any meaning at all to cr@ppy 70’s exploitation films shot in the Philippines.  So most of this documentary is as meaningless as those movies, but it’s fun to laugh at, especially at the pretentiousness of some of the “This has real value!” proponents, most notably Roger Corman.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

Nazis At The Center Of The Earth (2012)

OK…up to around the 57-58 minute mark this movie is just really: stupid, silly, campy, ridiculous, and disgusting.  But I am fairly certain all the time I’m watching that it was meant to be, and this assurance and hope for eventual payoff keeps me somewhat interested.

Then something happens (wait for it…), and it just reaches that ‘Dead Alive’ level of sublime absurdity that is actually quite rare, both by movies TRYING to reach it, and by those that just happen to reach it by accident.  Therefore it becomes interesting to laugh at and say/think “What the FCK is this???”, if you don’t mind complete tastelessness/camp.

Think ‘RoboCop’ meets ‘Star Wars’ in some really silly alternate universe.

Re: ‘Pupdate – 1/14/13’: I said “soon”.

Inspirational Quote: “I wanna go home!”

Grade: C-

Deep Space (1988)

Nein.

Time spent coming up with pre-emptive review: 2 seconds.

Time spent watching movie as a necessary evil to fully and completely confirm the accuracy of pre-emptive review: 5,441 seconds.

That’s the painful but necessary price of critical integrity.

This is INCREDIBLY bad, making me wonder why it wasn’t MST’d…it’s basically ‘Mitchell’ meets a really dull, sad version of ‘Alien’ while listening to WKRP in Cin-ci-nahhh-ti.

Grade: F-

Pupdate – 1/13/13

“You have 218573 Total Visits“

Well, Young and Cobain both said it’s better to burn out than fade away…

So…

Hmmm…here goes…

“I, Puppy, hereby decide to give up all my ideals and principles and all the work I’ve put into this for almost 2 1/2 years.  In short, ladies and gentlemen, I surrender.

Yours Humbly,

Puppy.”

*Moderate Pause*

“Oh…

P.S. – I changed my mind, kiss my a$$!” (He really was a funny guy).

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Divisional Playoff)

Apparently commercial writers think all football fans are complete morons.

Latest brilliant nugget:

Apparently (X) tv service is better than riding on a motorcycle with a woman sitting on the seat behind you dressed in a leather-ish outfit and carrying two crossbows with a burning bolt in each which she shoots into the air as you spin the motorcycle around and they fly up and explode and turn into a blazing tiger head figure.

Who knew?

Dracula: The Vampire & The Voivode (2008)

The information on Vlad the Impaler DOES come, after about 45-50 minutes.  Until then it’s basically a study of Bram Stoker and the influences on the creation of his most famous book.  And near the end it turns into a documentary/tourist guide of Romania.

Sometimes it’s quite interesting and at other times it’s dull…it could have been much better given the subject matter.

Also, it features a woman who seems WAY too interested in vampires.  I’m not an expert on body language, but if you gently play with your hair while talking about “sexy” and “beautiful” vampires, I’m gonna guess that suggests something.  (boom-chikka wah wah).

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C-

The Value Of Scientific Proof

Every hundred (or less, or more?  Dunno…I can’t prove it either way, but I’m 6.9 it’s around that) years or so the previous “scientific facts” are “proven” to be wrong.

That’s just dumb.

Conclusion: If you put all your Faith (Ha!) in science and adhere to it like an obstinate tick without regard for anything else, you are an illogical moron.

Recent Headline: ‘Largest Structure In Universe, Large Quasar Group, Challenges Cosmological Principle’

Basically scientists proudly announced the proven existence of something that was widely assumed by scientists could not/should not exist.

Brilliant.

P.S.: I have a theory on Richard Dawkins’ degree of certainty of the non-existence of God.  My theory goes as follows and begins now- Richard Dawkins is repressing some sexual desire. 

I think the fact that he chose to separate the six and the nine by a period might also indicate a certain line which he simply will not cross.  Or WILL HE?

Boom-chikka-WAH WAH!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

My Sucky Teen Romance (2011)

If you’re a friend of Emily Hagins, AKA “Zombie Girl”, you’ve seen this already and probably thought it was really fun to watch.  I’m sure she had fun making it, too, just like ‘Pathogen’.  It’s probably better than anything I could ever make.

Unfortunately, that’s as much “praise” as I can POSSIBLY give this.  A movie written and directed by an 18-year-old, while a LOT better than one written and directed by a then-12-year-old, is still pretty amateurish, predictable, and dull for the rest of the viewing public beyond friends/family.

At least, this one is.

That’s all, really.  End of cute story.  ‘Zombie Girl’ is probably the most interesting thing she’ll ever be involved in.  I mean, come on…fun is fun, but unless she starts actually improving noticeably as a REAL filmmaker, there’s really no point in going on making films.  I don’t grade on a curve…if it sucks, it sucks.  And this does.

At least she titled it appropriately.

Grade: F

We’re All Winners Here!

I recently read an article that claimed Carmelo Anthony came out the “winner” in his little spat with Kevin Garnett.

Knicks’ record in two games Anthony was absent mentally and/or physically: 0-2

So, if your actions on and off the court make your team go 0-2 and that makes you a “winner”, you must be talking about winner in the Little League “Everyone’s a winner!” sort of way.

Memo to anyone who cares what KG says:  Why?  See Paul Pierce’s quote about Spike Lee.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

GREAT Idea – By Puppy

Since the amount of Crusading Atheists/Antitheists in the United States is greatly outnumbered by the amount of Theists/Agnostics/Non-Crusading Atheists, here’s an idea…

First of all, let’s clarify something.  There’s not really a “War On…” (Religion, Christmas, Christianity, Etc…) going on in the US.  That’s a misuse of the word “war”, in my opinion.  You see, the word “war” indicates a struggle in which two sides are engaged and both hold out at least SOME reasonable hope for victory.

And I’m not SURE on this, but I’m a 6.9 that since Crusading Atheists/Antitheists are vastly outnumbered by non CA/As, the CA/As don’t really have ANY “reasonable”, plausible hope for victory.  I mean, that’s like saying the Democratic Party in China or the Nazi Party in America is engaged in a “war” for control of the government.  It might please the respective minorities to THINK so, but come on…Nazis aren’t taking over the US, and China’s government isn’t falling to a Democratic coup.  That’s just…well…fairy tale talk.

SAME-DAY EDIT: NO, I am NOT ripping off Jon Stewart.  Jon Stewart compared it to the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Washington Generals.  The difference is, when you watch those two teams play, EVERYONE knows who is going to win (at least, on a 6.9 certainty scale) INCLUDING the WASHINGTON GENERALS.  There’s no pre-game speech about how “We can beat them if we really really try!” going on…it’s a joke, it’s meant to be a joke, everyone (including the participants) KNOWS it’s a joke.  Big difference, as CA/As don’t generally realize how funny they are.  You know, they’re just funny.  Like, you know…funny, what?

So, let’s say it’s more of a very small scale, outfunded, outresourced, vastly outmanned minor guerrila conflict on religion.  That’s a much more appropriate military comparison.  Basically they can annoy and harass and cause minor incidental damage, but there’s no non-lunatic/fanatic that thinks, as a CA/A, they’re actually going to WIN.  I mean, come on…really.  Fairy Tales, man!!!

So here’s the idea:

If you’re a theist, or if you’re just PISSED OFF about the general arrogance and obnoxious attitude of the CA/A movement, for every article you read about a poster/picture/etc being forced to be taken down at a school/courthouse/public setting, PUT TWO OF THEM UP on a PRIVATE setting.  So, one less picture of even minor religious significance taken down, two put up.  Perfectly legal…just put a couple signs on your lawn.  I mean, it’s private property, they can’t question the legality of that.

This will accomplish two things: 
1) It will, in effect, force the CA/As and their lawyers to spend money and time for NOTHING.  In fact, they will be spending money and time to PUT UP A RELIGIOUS SIGN!  BRILLIANT!

2) It will REALLY piss them off.  Which, since you can’t really talk to them rationally, is kinda cool along with “Ignoring them and hoping they go away”.  But they’re persistent little angsty buggers!

SEE ALSO: ‘How To Deal With Crusading Atheists/Antitheists – A Useful Guide (By Puppy)’

Just an idea.  Feel free to elaborate on it in any legal/intelligent fashion you wish.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Subtle Difference

There’s a difference between having a fairly good command of the English language and being an obnoxious, dogmatic slave to it.

For instance, slang is (to most people, including myself) a legitimate form of expression.  I mean, come on…language isn’t mathematics.  Sure, there are certain basic rules that everyone has to follow, but the point of language is for people to COMMUNICATE and be able to UNDERSTAND each other.

It’s NOT to see who can memorize the most variations of the same word and sprinkle them liberally throughout their conversations so they look really smart when they’re quite possibly a dumba$$.

You see, because language falls in the middle ground between logic and creativity, you can create (oops!) something that is understandable and ALSO inspiring/moving/original.

You know, cuz not ALL movies are ENTIRELY grammatically correct.  Not ALL books are ENTIRELY grammatically correct.  That’s part of the CHARM.  The only people who don’t get this are those whose logical intelligence is Einstein and whose creative intelligence is stick figure drawings.

If you want perfect language, stripped of all the unnecessary and cumbersome illogical words, get a copy of the Newspeak Dictionary from the Party.  Doubleplusgood!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Popatopolis (2009)

The trials and tribulations of a visionary filmmaker whose magnificent festerings are only held up by the persistent problems of others, who are invariably less talented than he is.

This is for people for whom watching the final, pristine cut of B-movies isn’t enough.  They need the raw footage, before all the grandeur is stripped away by slick editing.

Actually in all seriousness it’s a documentary that’s as dull as the subject matter demands, unless it’s MST-ing itself, which is only occasionally.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not Picasso.  I’m more like the guy who paints Elvis on velvet.”

Grade: D

Zombie Town (2007)

Generic cr@ppy zombie flick, until the hissing slugs make an appearance.  Then it gets campy/gory in a bit of a ‘Slither’ vein, but not nearly as good/funny/interesting/visually impressive.  And of course there’s cr@ppy incidental music.

Features two guys going up to a cabin for a towjob.

Knowledge gained: When a friend is being eaten alive by a zombie and screaming desperately for help, do more than poke the offending zombie with the stick end of a broom repeatedly in an attempt to shoo it off.

Grade: D

Awaken The Dead (2007)

Cr@ppy zombie movie, filmed in grainy Haze-Cam.

Features lots of cr@ppy, out of place incidental music.  And bad dialogue/acting, of course.

If only the main characters’ alarm clocks hadn’t gone off, this movie need never have been made.

Knowledge gained: Zombies are destroyed by stock footage.

Inspirational Exchange:

Man: “I wasn’t always a priest.”
(several minutes later)
Woman: “You weren’t always a priest, were you?”

Grade: F-

Why My Website Is Mildly Popular – By Puppy

Some people have asked me: “Why do you get so many hits?”

And my first, instinctual response, which I repress for courtesy’s sake, is “Fck you! And thanks for the support.”

My second response, which I state, is “I don’t know.”

If there’s one thing you can say about my reviews, it’s that:
1) They’re heartfelt.
6.9) They pay no attention to what anyone thinks my opinion “should” be.
237) They are made (unless otherwise noted) after watching the ENTIRE D@MN THING, no matter how painful.  Critical integrity.
9906753) They mix together a little bit Christgau, a little bit Python, a little bit Stooges, a little bit MST, a little bit random references I’ve picked up random places, and a little bit occasional inspiration.

Tha end.

Night Of The Living Dead: Reanimation (2012)

What a complete RIPOFF.

It starts out good enough…seems fairly witty, intelligent, well-acted, well-made.

But besides (infrequent) zombies, it’s NOTHING like the original.  I would liken it more to ‘Return’ but it’s NOT funny.  It’s also not scary.  It also gets boring about half an hour in when you begin to wonder when it’s actually going to START.

Character development is great.  But only when the characters then do stuff.

It’s cleverly made in that it puts forth a good opening and since you KNOW it’s gonna eventually turn into ‘Night 2012’, you keep watching.  But it doesn’t.  Ever.  Really.  I watched the WHOLE THING.

Just cashing in on the name, basically.  And except for first-time viewers who haven’t heard what a piece of sh1t it is (like me), it will attract NO type of audience.  Not gore fans, not horror fans, not horror parody fans, not even die-hard Romero fans.

Upped a notch for the decent but meaningless beginning, and to prevent having to add it to my F list.  I have SOME standards.

Grade: D-

3/11/13: Why didn’t I notice that this was a prequel to the cr@ppy 2006 ‘Night’ “remake” until well after I’d finished watching it?  Because the 2006 version was so terrible I didn’t bother to review it.  There.  Accurate AND precise!  Grade: D-

Hell (2011)

A post-apocalypse movie.  Cause: extreme heat.

It’s well made and acted enough to be “authentic”, but the dialogue is as persistently lifeless and dull as the landscape.

Nothing special.  Subtitles if you care, and kinda boring regardless.  The ‘Twilight Zone’ heat episode is much better, if you insist on a heat disaster subject.

Grade: D

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manos: The Hands Of Fate (1993)

Quite possibly the worst movie ever made.

A great short (‘Hired!’ Part Deux), pretty good riffing, good host segments, classic ending.

Inspirational Quote: “You know this scene is strong enough for a manos, but made for a womanos.”

Grade: B+

2/15/13: This is a must-see for anyone that doesn’t demand goodness in their greatness.  Grade: A-

Cleanflix (2009)

Interesting and well-made documentary about CleanFlicks in particular and the edited-movie business in general, as well as some of the people that were involved in it.

Obviously since it was made by people it’s subjective, but overall the stance is fairly neutral: it presents a clear viewpoint, but it doesn’t show and say ONLY those things that back up that viewpoint.  So it’s opinionated without being completely propagandic…which is good, because if you’re denouncing preachy behavior it’s a good idea not to preach about it.

Grade: B

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C+

Diary Of A Cannibal (2007)

A quote and a comment open this movie.  Both are creepy-interesting.

Then the movie begins.

Is it creepy?  It’s about a girlfriend eating her boyfriend…so yeah.

But it’s ALL mood.  I mean ALL.  Dark, creepy mood.  Bad (infrequent) dialogue, bad acting, bad arty attempts, bad SFX (the gore in any zombie flick is more “realistic” than this).  And after a while dark, creepy mood becomes dull, monotonous repetitive mood.

To close, two guest reviews:

Larry: “Let’s pluck him, and see if he’s ripe!”

Monty Python (paraphrased):

*Derek Hart* “Nude man, what did you make of that?”
*Nude Man* “Well, don’t you see, that was exactly the kind of explicit…reference I’m objecting to. It’s titillation for the sake of it. A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. I don’t care what the so-called avant-garde, left-wing, intellectual namby-pambies say…It is filth!”
*Derek Hart* Bishop.
*The Bishop* Okay, don’t anybody eat!

Grade: F

Stake Land (2010)

A combination of mediocre horror flick and attempt-at gripping post-apocalyptic drama.

It’s more the second, along the lines of ’28 Days Later’/’The Book Of Eli’ (much more ‘Eli’, though, especially with the recurring religious themes).

Of course it’s not nearly as GOOD as either of those films…it’s not bad and it’s fairly watchable, but it’s pretty predictable.  I didn’t discover any surprises, at least.

The “sidekick”/kid is actually a lot more convincing than the lead/”hero”.  None of the other characters really make an impression despite some of them trying really hard, and the whole thing is a bit overwrought.  But it doesn’t really make you think much, if that’s a bonus for you.

There’s a part where the narrator says “small talk stopped”.  Lucky break for the screenwriter.  And of course shortly after that there’s a moment when it’s quiet…TOO quiet…

A: They had a great cheezy hit with “Kyrie”
Q: Why would it be cool if the lead’s last name was the same as his first?

Inspirationally Dumb Tactical Move: “Let’s leave the pregnant sleeping girl alone.”

Grade: C-

…And God Spoke (1993)

Subject of mockumentary: Really Cr@ppy B-Movies.

But despite the unbelievably easy target provided, it only hits “mildly amusing”, and even that only occasionally.  So if you liked ‘This Is Spinal Tap’ or ‘Best In Show’, well…so did I, but this kinda sucks.

Although as a B-grade mockumentary of B-grade movies, there’s a certain symmetry of mediocrity there.

Grade: D-

After Porn Ends (2010)

…and the question is:  When will the world’s supply of disposable paper products replenish itself?

Features lots of interviews with former porn stars and people in the porn business.

I don’t know HOW, but this makes porn actually seem kinda meaningless. 

Honestly, it is kinda sad to see the real, emotional, human reasons why some of these women (and men…but mostly women) got into porn in the first place; reasons that invariably tend toward loneliness, abandonment, and self-esteem issues.

Not really sure what the target audience is here, though…
Men that used to jerk off to these women that actually care about them as people?
OR…
Men/Women that actually care about them as people, who also want to see the many nude scenes sprinkled throughout?

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D