Nein.
Time spent coming up with pre-emptive review: 2 seconds.
Time spent watching movie as a necessary evil to fully and completely confirm the accuracy of pre-emptive review: 5,441 seconds.
That’s the painful but necessary price of critical integrity.
This is INCREDIBLY bad, making me wonder why it wasn’t MST’d…it’s basically ‘Mitchell’ meets a really dull, sad version of ‘Alien’ while listening to WKRP in Cin-ci-nahhh-ti.
Grade: F-
“You have 218573 Total Visits“
Well, Young and Cobain both said it’s better to burn out than fade away…
So…
Hmmm…here goes…
“I, Puppy, hereby decide to give up all my ideals and principles and all the work I’ve put into this for almost 2 1/2 years. In short, ladies and gentlemen, I surrender.
Yours Humbly,
Puppy.”
*Moderate Pause*
“Oh…
P.S. – I changed my mind, kiss my a$$!” (He really was a funny guy).
Apparently commercial writers think all football fans are complete morons.
Latest brilliant nugget:
Apparently (X) tv service is better than riding on a motorcycle with a woman sitting on the seat behind you dressed in a leather-ish outfit and carrying two crossbows with a burning bolt in each which she shoots into the air as you spin the motorcycle around and they fly up and explode and turn into a blazing tiger head figure.
Who knew?
The information on Vlad the Impaler DOES come, after about 45-50 minutes. Until then it’s basically a study of Bram Stoker and the influences on the creation of his most famous book. And near the end it turns into a documentary/tourist guide of Romania.
Sometimes it’s quite interesting and at other times it’s dull…it could have been much better given the subject matter.
Also, it features a woman who seems WAY too interested in vampires. I’m not an expert on body language, but if you gently play with your hair while talking about “sexy” and “beautiful” vampires, I’m gonna guess that suggests something. (boom-chikka wah wah).
Grade: B-
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C-
There’s a commercial which shows people laughing/chuckling/giggling from the beginning of life (very small child) to near the end (very old man).
I think it would be kinda cool if they inserted the Cryptkeeper right after the old man.
“Is it not possible that an objective approach that frowns upon personal connections between the entities examined will harm people, turn them into miserable, unfriendly, self-righteous mechanisms without charm or humour?” – Paul Feyerabend
Reaction: This guy was PSYCHIC!
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Every hundred (or less, or more? Dunno…I can’t prove it either way, but I’m 6.9 it’s around that) years or so the previous “scientific facts” are “proven” to be wrong.
That’s just dumb.
Conclusion: If you put all your Faith (Ha!) in science and adhere to it like an obstinate tick without regard for anything else, you are an illogical moron.
Recent Headline: ‘Largest Structure In Universe, Large Quasar Group, Challenges Cosmological Principle’
Basically scientists proudly announced the proven existence of something that was widely assumed by scientists could not/should not exist.
Brilliant.
P.S.: I have a theory on Richard Dawkins’ degree of certainty of the non-existence of God. My theory goes as follows and begins now- Richard Dawkins is repressing some sexual desire.
I think the fact that he chose to separate the six and the nine by a period might also indicate a certain line which he simply will not cross. Or WILL HE?
Boom-chikka-WAH WAH!
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Nice colors, pleasant background, great animation. Starts out majestic and then quickly turns not.
Cute, if you like crude humor. Cuz it’s not just crude…it’s fairly clever. Hence: funny.
Lows: The cat’s laugh and the eternally easy ending.
Ahhh…forbidden love.
Grade: B
The last MST short that’s worth reviewing. Or seeing, obviously.
Inspirational Quote: “Ahh, that’s a bad touch, Chad!”
Grade: C+
If you’re a friend of Emily Hagins, AKA “Zombie Girl”, you’ve seen this already and probably thought it was really fun to watch. I’m sure she had fun making it, too, just like ‘Pathogen’. It’s probably better than anything I could ever make.
Unfortunately, that’s as much “praise” as I can POSSIBLY give this. A movie written and directed by an 18-year-old, while a LOT better than one written and directed by a then-12-year-old, is still pretty amateurish, predictable, and dull for the rest of the viewing public beyond friends/family.
At least, this one is.
That’s all, really. End of cute story. ‘Zombie Girl’ is probably the most interesting thing she’ll ever be involved in. I mean, come on…fun is fun, but unless she starts actually improving noticeably as a REAL filmmaker, there’s really no point in going on making films. I don’t grade on a curve…if it sucks, it sucks. And this does.
At least she titled it appropriately.
Grade: F
Quite tedious at times but contains some gems of pure mockery.
Inspirational Quote: “…let’s see, what rhymes with “blueballs”?”
Grade: C+
I recently read an article that claimed Carmelo Anthony came out the “winner” in his little spat with Kevin Garnett.
Knicks’ record in two games Anthony was absent mentally and/or physically: 0-2
So, if your actions on and off the court make your team go 0-2 and that makes you a “winner”, you must be talking about winner in the Little League “Everyone’s a winner!” sort of way.
Memo to anyone who cares what KG says: Why? See Paul Pierce’s quote about Spike Lee.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Propaganda about the good old days when farms were small and children were easily amused.
Inspirational Quote: “Mmm good white hearty white bread for white white people.”
Grade: B
Since the amount of Crusading Atheists/Antitheists in the United States is greatly outnumbered by the amount of Theists/Agnostics/Non-Crusading Atheists, here’s an idea…
First of all, let’s clarify something. There’s not really a “War On…” (Religion, Christmas, Christianity, Etc…) going on in the US. That’s a misuse of the word “war”, in my opinion. You see, the word “war” indicates a struggle in which two sides are engaged and both hold out at least SOME reasonable hope for victory.
And I’m not SURE on this, but I’m a 6.9 that since Crusading Atheists/Antitheists are vastly outnumbered by non CA/As, the CA/As don’t really have ANY “reasonable”, plausible hope for victory. I mean, that’s like saying the Democratic Party in China or the Nazi Party in America is engaged in a “war” for control of the government. It might please the respective minorities to THINK so, but come on…Nazis aren’t taking over the US, and China’s government isn’t falling to a Democratic coup. That’s just…well…fairy tale talk.
SAME-DAY EDIT: NO, I am NOT ripping off Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart compared it to the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Washington Generals. The difference is, when you watch those two teams play, EVERYONE knows who is going to win (at least, on a 6.9 certainty scale) INCLUDING the WASHINGTON GENERALS. There’s no pre-game speech about how “We can beat them if we really really try!” going on…it’s a joke, it’s meant to be a joke, everyone (including the participants) KNOWS it’s a joke. Big difference, as CA/As don’t generally realize how funny they are. You know, they’re just funny. Like, you know…funny, what?
So, let’s say it’s more of a very small scale, outfunded, outresourced, vastly outmanned minor guerrila conflict on religion. That’s a much more appropriate military comparison. Basically they can annoy and harass and cause minor incidental damage, but there’s no non-lunatic/fanatic that thinks, as a CA/A, they’re actually going to WIN. I mean, come on…really. Fairy Tales, man!!!
So here’s the idea:
If you’re a theist, or if you’re just PISSED OFF about the general arrogance and obnoxious attitude of the CA/A movement, for every article you read about a poster/picture/etc being forced to be taken down at a school/courthouse/public setting, PUT TWO OF THEM UP on a PRIVATE setting. So, one less picture of even minor religious significance taken down, two put up. Perfectly legal…just put a couple signs on your lawn. I mean, it’s private property, they can’t question the legality of that.
This will accomplish two things:
1) It will, in effect, force the CA/As and their lawyers to spend money and time for NOTHING. In fact, they will be spending money and time to PUT UP A RELIGIOUS SIGN! BRILLIANT!
2) It will REALLY piss them off. Which, since you can’t really talk to them rationally, is kinda cool along with “Ignoring them and hoping they go away”. But they’re persistent little angsty buggers!
SEE ALSO: ‘How To Deal With Crusading Atheists/Antitheists – A Useful Guide (By Puppy)’
Just an idea. Feel free to elaborate on it in any legal/intelligent fashion you wish.
-Puppy >.< Yip!
The riffing is good but it could use more cr@ppy dialogue to mock (just cr@ppy music and images for the first 5 minutes).
Inspirational Quote: “Come on! Let’s go grope that Eskimo!”
Grade: B-
Play that FUNKY music, Puerto Rico ad!
Proving that “…is not here” and “can be found in…” references just NEVER get old.
Inspirational Quote: “…so drink rum CONSTANTLY.”
Grade: B+
Some interesting thoughts on the purpose and usefulness of different forms of dreaming.
Grade: B-
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C+
8/28/13: BABY DON’T HURT ME, DON’T HURT ME, NO MORE!! Grade: C+
There’s a difference between having a fairly good command of the English language and being an obnoxious, dogmatic slave to it.
For instance, slang is (to most people, including myself) a legitimate form of expression. I mean, come on…language isn’t mathematics. Sure, there are certain basic rules that everyone has to follow, but the point of language is for people to COMMUNICATE and be able to UNDERSTAND each other.
It’s NOT to see who can memorize the most variations of the same word and sprinkle them liberally throughout their conversations so they look really smart when they’re quite possibly a dumba$$.
You see, because language falls in the middle ground between logic and creativity, you can create (oops!) something that is understandable and ALSO inspiring/moving/original.
You know, cuz not ALL movies are ENTIRELY grammatically correct. Not ALL books are ENTIRELY grammatically correct. That’s part of the CHARM. The only people who don’t get this are those whose logical intelligence is Einstein and whose creative intelligence is stick figure drawings.
If you want perfect language, stripped of all the unnecessary and cumbersome illogical words, get a copy of the Newspeak Dictionary from the Party. Doubleplusgood!
-Puppy >.< Yip!
How a few charts and a rubber band can decide the whole marriage question FOR you.
Inspirational Quote: “I worship Cthulhu!”
Grade: B
1/6/14: Thank you, Lord Garth. Grade: B+
Featuring a touch of hysterics and the oldest college student ever.
Inspirational Quote: “Well, he’s good in the sack and he likes to get high…”
Grade: A-
1/10/13: I was somewhat caught up in the momentary infatuation, and SWEPT AWAY… Grade: B+
5/13/14: Baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more! Grade: B+
Tommy finds out about what mom does while mom simmers in resentment over her stifled dreams.
Inspirational Quote: “Here’s a penny. Happy Birthday.”
Grade: B
The trials and tribulations of a visionary filmmaker whose magnificent festerings are only held up by the persistent problems of others, who are invariably less talented than he is.
This is for people for whom watching the final, pristine cut of B-movies isn’t enough. They need the raw footage, before all the grandeur is stripped away by slick editing.
Actually in all seriousness it’s a documentary that’s as dull as the subject matter demands, unless it’s MST-ing itself, which is only occasionally.
Inspirational Quote: “I’m not Picasso. I’m more like the guy who paints Elvis on velvet.”
Grade: D
“I’ve been tuning Spike Lee out for years…That’s just common noise now.” – Paul Pierce
Haven’t we all?
-Puppy >.< Yip!
Generic cr@ppy zombie flick, until the hissing slugs make an appearance. Then it gets campy/gory in a bit of a ‘Slither’ vein, but not nearly as good/funny/interesting/visually impressive. And of course there’s cr@ppy incidental music.
Features two guys going up to a cabin for a towjob.
Knowledge gained: When a friend is being eaten alive by a zombie and screaming desperately for help, do more than poke the offending zombie with the stick end of a broom repeatedly in an attempt to shoo it off.
Grade: D
Lovely rampant destruction of nature.
Inspirational Quote: “Now this tomato’s highly deformed, but cut off the eyes and it’s good eatin’.”
Grade: B
The importance of erection.
Grade: B-
I’m not really sold on this one.
Decent, but plenty of better shorts out there.
Grade: C+
Cr@ppy zombie movie, filmed in grainy Haze-Cam.
Features lots of cr@ppy, out of place incidental music. And bad dialogue/acting, of course.
If only the main characters’ alarm clocks hadn’t gone off, this movie need never have been made.
Knowledge gained: Zombies are destroyed by stock footage.
Inspirational Exchange:
Man: “I wasn’t always a priest.”
(several minutes later)
Woman: “You weren’t always a priest, were you?”
Grade: F-
Somewhat informative, somewhat absurd, often repetitive “documentary” on the zombie idea.
Grade: D
7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D+
The movie is really cheezy sci-fi wannabe, but Joel and the bots don’t rip it apart with anywhere near enough ferocity. Moments of brilliance, though, if you can stay awake for them.
Highlights: persistent Gymkata, persistent forklift song, and some really tasteless (funny) jokes.
Grade: B-
Some people have asked me: “Why do you get so many hits?”
And my first, instinctual response, which I repress for courtesy’s sake, is “Fck you! And thanks for the support.”
My second response, which I state, is “I don’t know.”
If there’s one thing you can say about my reviews, it’s that:
1) They’re heartfelt.
6.9) They pay no attention to what anyone thinks my opinion “should” be.
237) They are made (unless otherwise noted) after watching the ENTIRE D@MN THING, no matter how painful. Critical integrity.
9906753) They mix together a little bit Christgau, a little bit Python, a little bit Stooges, a little bit MST, a little bit random references I’ve picked up random places, and a little bit occasional inspiration.
Tha end.
‘Mystery Science Theater 3000: Manos: The Hands Of Fate (1993)’
Kinda sad, really :(
What a complete RIPOFF.
It starts out good enough…seems fairly witty, intelligent, well-acted, well-made.
But besides (infrequent) zombies, it’s NOTHING like the original. I would liken it more to ‘Return’ but it’s NOT funny. It’s also not scary. It also gets boring about half an hour in when you begin to wonder when it’s actually going to START.
Character development is great. But only when the characters then do stuff.
It’s cleverly made in that it puts forth a good opening and since you KNOW it’s gonna eventually turn into ‘Night 2012’, you keep watching. But it doesn’t. Ever. Really. I watched the WHOLE THING.
Just cashing in on the name, basically. And except for first-time viewers who haven’t heard what a piece of sh1t it is (like me), it will attract NO type of audience. Not gore fans, not horror fans, not horror parody fans, not even die-hard Romero fans.
Upped a notch for the decent but meaningless beginning, and to prevent having to add it to my F list. I have SOME standards.
Grade: D-
3/11/13: Why didn’t I notice that this was a prequel to the cr@ppy 2006 ‘Night’ “remake” until well after I’d finished watching it? Because the 2006 version was so terrible I didn’t bother to review it. There. Accurate AND precise! Grade: D-
A post-apocalypse movie. Cause: extreme heat.
It’s well made and acted enough to be “authentic”, but the dialogue is as persistently lifeless and dull as the landscape.
Nothing special. Subtitles if you care, and kinda boring regardless. The ‘Twilight Zone’ heat episode is much better, if you insist on a heat disaster subject.
Grade: D
Quite possibly the worst movie ever made.
A great short (‘Hired!’ Part Deux), pretty good riffing, good host segments, classic ending.
Inspirational Quote: “You know this scene is strong enough for a manos, but made for a womanos.”
Grade: B+
2/15/13: This is a must-see for anyone that doesn’t demand goodness in their greatness. Grade: A-
Interesting and well-made documentary about CleanFlicks in particular and the edited-movie business in general, as well as some of the people that were involved in it.
Obviously since it was made by people it’s subjective, but overall the stance is fairly neutral: it presents a clear viewpoint, but it doesn’t show and say ONLY those things that back up that viewpoint. So it’s opinionated without being completely propagandic…which is good, because if you’re denouncing preachy behavior it’s a good idea not to preach about it.
Grade: B
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: C+
A quote and a comment open this movie. Both are creepy-interesting.
Then the movie begins.
Is it creepy? It’s about a girlfriend eating her boyfriend…so yeah.
But it’s ALL mood. I mean ALL. Dark, creepy mood. Bad (infrequent) dialogue, bad acting, bad arty attempts, bad SFX (the gore in any zombie flick is more “realistic” than this). And after a while dark, creepy mood becomes dull, monotonous repetitive mood.
To close, two guest reviews:
Larry: “Let’s pluck him, and see if he’s ripe!”
Monty Python (paraphrased):
*Derek Hart* “Nude man, what did you make of that?”
*Nude Man* “Well, don’t you see, that was exactly the kind of explicit…reference I’m objecting to. It’s titillation for the sake of it. A deliberate attempt at cheap sensationalism. I don’t care what the so-called avant-garde, left-wing, intellectual namby-pambies say…It is filth!”
*Derek Hart* Bishop.
*The Bishop* Okay, don’t anybody eat!
Grade: F
A combination of mediocre horror flick and attempt-at gripping post-apocalyptic drama.
It’s more the second, along the lines of ’28 Days Later’/’The Book Of Eli’ (much more ‘Eli’, though, especially with the recurring religious themes).
Of course it’s not nearly as GOOD as either of those films…it’s not bad and it’s fairly watchable, but it’s pretty predictable. I didn’t discover any surprises, at least.
The “sidekick”/kid is actually a lot more convincing than the lead/”hero”. None of the other characters really make an impression despite some of them trying really hard, and the whole thing is a bit overwrought. But it doesn’t really make you think much, if that’s a bonus for you.
There’s a part where the narrator says “small talk stopped”. Lucky break for the screenwriter. And of course shortly after that there’s a moment when it’s quiet…TOO quiet…
A: They had a great cheezy hit with “Kyrie”
Q: Why would it be cool if the lead’s last name was the same as his first?
Inspirationally Dumb Tactical Move: “Let’s leave the pregnant sleeping girl alone.”
Grade: C-
Subject of mockumentary: Really Cr@ppy B-Movies.
But despite the unbelievably easy target provided, it only hits “mildly amusing”, and even that only occasionally. So if you liked ‘This Is Spinal Tap’ or ‘Best In Show’, well…so did I, but this kinda sucks.
Although as a B-grade mockumentary of B-grade movies, there’s a certain symmetry of mediocrity there.
Grade: D-
Somewhat interesting documentary of Michael Jordan’s one-season baseball career: why it happened, how it went, and why it ended.
Grade: C+
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: D+
Even if you appreciate the majesty that is all things bat, it would be hard to watch this combination of blatant, half-a$$ed ripoffs and dull attempts at originality/sentimentality with anything more than tolerance and occasional mild interest.
Recommended only to families containing very small bat-obsessed children.
…and the question is: When will the world’s supply of disposable paper products replenish itself?
Features lots of interviews with former porn stars and people in the porn business.
I don’t know HOW, but this makes porn actually seem kinda meaningless.
Honestly, it is kinda sad to see the real, emotional, human reasons why some of these women (and men…but mostly women) got into porn in the first place; reasons that invariably tend toward loneliness, abandonment, and self-esteem issues.
Not really sure what the target audience is here, though…
Men that used to jerk off to these women that actually care about them as people?
OR…
Men/Women that actually care about them as people, who also want to see the many nude scenes sprinkled throughout?
Grade: C
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: D
Like episodes 1-3, only much less funny.
Like ‘The Naked Gun’, only much shorter. ‘Ring Of Fear’ is my fav, but they’re all pretty much the same.
If you’re not a fan, this is useless to you. If you are one, it probably is too, except to see if you think I’m an idiot re: my favs. So to be of any use whatsoever, I’ve just decided to list the episodes that I think are NOT worth your time, even if you are a fan (like me). These are the ones that are either embarrassingly and consistently bad, or that have so few good moments and are otherwise so completely DULL that they’re not worth the time. Listed by number and name, for those that haven’t memorized both, to know what to steer clear of.
Episode 1 – Pilot: The Cage
Episode 7 – Mudd’s Women
Episode 11 – The Corbomite Maneuver
Episode 14 – The Conscience Of The King
Episode 28 – The Alternative Factor
Episode 57 – Spock’s Brain
Episode 74 – The Lights Of Zetar
Episode 75 – Requiem For Methuselah
Episode 76 – The Way To Eden
Episode 78 – The Savage Curtain
10/11/13: I changed my mind. Will (briefly) review episodes, except those deemed unworthy of review, in the near future.
I certainly can’t recommend this, because there’s no way I’m gonna watch all 26 episodes.
But of all the anime I’ve seen, it’s definitely got the best sense of humor (about itself and anything else) along with really bad taste.
It’s intentionally silly to the point of absurdity but it’s smart enough to make a few good jokes along the way: it pokes fun at villains, heroes, drama, itself, sentimentality, japanese anime, good, evil, life, death, etc…
Also, it features the (at least tied for) most annoyingly perpetually ultra-cheerful really-high-pitched when-will-she-lower-from-a-screech sort-of-evil kinda-heroine weird-a$$ multi-death-absorbing slightly-fanged scantily-dressed-as-usual-in-these female lead character I’ve ever seen.
I tried watching a lot of anime…I really did. This is the most clever I could find.
I’d say watch the first one and proceed from there as you see fit.
The title is the most cleverly enjoyable part of watching the movie.
Not scary, and since it’s a straight-out parody the one or (maybe) two laughs and couple of mildly interesting moments (all in the first half) don’t make it worth watching.
What a waste of time and dull mostly-professional competence.
Grade: D-
Started to watch this…found it to be an inferior version of ‘Masters Of Horror’, with worse scripts/acting/directing…stopped. I wasn’t afraid, I was bored.
I almost ALWAYS make it a rule to watch every single minute of something before I review it, just on the OFF chance I might miss some great revelation that makes the first 99% worth slogging through. So take this as an “incomplete”, and torture yourself if you want to. You MIGHT like it. But based on the evidence I saw, I’m 6.9 you won’t. Unless you have really bad taste, or you JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH…dun dun dun dun dun da da dun dun.
The Best Of Emerson, Lake & Palmer (1980)
The original version of this (released in 1980) is superior to the 1994 re-release because it ends sooner.
ELP was intricate, eclectic, and popular…like Yes. But they always struck me as excrutiatingly pretentious when they weren’t being very basically melodic. And unlike Yes, I never escaped the feeling that they were just bullsh1tting all along.
And, aside from a few basic melodic tunes, they weren’t very interesting. They should have just given “Still… You Turn Me On” to a band with a real singer and “Lucky Man” to one WITHOUT a synthesizer that threatened to make your eardrums bleed and/or explode when it REALLY kicked in.
Also, they didn’t have Steve Howe.
Grade: D+
Message of ad seen recently: “Doing two things is better than doing one”.
Not necessarily. If someone was performing an incredibly intricate surgical procedure on a patient whose life literally was hanging in the balance every moment of the operation, it’s PROBABLY not a good idea for said head surgeon to be 50/50 in concentrating on the surgery and a crossword puzzle.
Or, to quote ‘Cheers(The Diane Years)’:
*Larry* “Hey Coach…what happened to our pool table?”
*Coach* “It’s still there, Larry, but thanks to our Billiard Buddy adaptor, ya know, it’s more fun than ever now. It can be a knock-hockey table, a ping-pong table, a slot-car track, you name it.
*Larry* *Brief Pause* “I want a pool table.”
*Coach* “Well, let me get out my easy-to-follow conversion instructions here…*Takes out a blueprint and a bunch of tools, mutters a bit*…and that.”
*Larry* “Uh, Coach, how long is this gonna take?”
*Coach* “Bout 20 minutes.”
*Larry* “20 minutes to put the pool table together?”
*Coach* “No, 20 minutes to figure what the hell this is.” *holds up a “tool”*
*Larry* “Eh, forget it, I’ll play ping-pong.”
*Coach* “God bless ya…”
-Puppy/Cheers – ‘King Of The Hill’
