Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Vampegeddon (2010)

Horrible music, horrible FX, horrible acting, horrible writing, horrible fake boobs, horrible gothy angst attempts, horrible “noone understands me” laments, horrible band product placement, horrible hair extensions, horrible HAIKIBA! moments, horribly dull blood ritual for Nosferatu, horribly easy-to-kill vampires.

Makes sex, drugs, rock n’ roll and devil worship seem just kinda boring.

56:05 – Oh thank God.

1:02:26 – Don’t LAUGH during a blood ceremony! HOLD IT IN, GIRL!

Grade: F-

Reefer Madness (1936)

Hey…it’s the same judgy-wudgy as in ‘Disorder In The Court’.

Almost as bad as ‘Triumph Of The Will’, but a HECK of a lot funnier. 

Oops.  I meant SCARIER. 

This reveals what is almost as much a danger to the world as the Wiccan Agenda! Dun Dun DUN!

Featuring plenty of good old-fashioned wholesome TOBACCO smoking.

Graded like ‘Troll 2’, or pure hydro.

Grade: C

Sex Galaxy (2008)

Lots of public domain footage pasted together and crudely overdubbed.  And by crudely I mean it’s not exactly brilliant and it’s not exactly family-friendly.

The only problem is I actually laughed a few times, so I can’t say it’s truly worthless.  Although when I WASN’T laughing, which was the majority of the time, I was thinking “My GOD this sucks”.

It’s like ‘What’s Up, Tiger Lily?’ done to bad sci-fi/softcore porn/50’s B&W nostalgia.

Grade: D

Aeon Flux (2005)

A “travesty”?  Come on.  That implies a massive fall from grace/greatness, which in this case is simply not possible.  Greatness must first exist for it to be desecrated/lost.

I saw the animated series when it was new, on Liquid Television.  It was amazing and incredible to me then, with visuals that were simply beyond both belief and description: grandiose and grotesque.

But I also had NO FCKEN IDEA what was going on, nor do I now looking back on it.

So if all you’re looking for is a collection of fantastic someone-else’s-dreamscape images to stare at and go “Wow…” to, this film treatment won’t do it.  Watch the original.

But I’ve reached the point in the growth of my somewhat-limited creativity/imagination that I can conjure up my own surreal dreamscapes if/when I want to by the simple expedient of closing my eyes, and I can imbue them with my OWN meaning…not wonder what some other guy was thinking when he made up his.

Unlike the original, there’s a coherent story that you can follow here, if you want to…nothing amazing or incredible, but at least comprehensible.  And somewhat interesting.  And it’s only “not weird” in comparison to the series…it’s VERY weird.

“Dumbed-down-for-the-masses” this ain’t.  “Made-sensible-for-the-sane”, more like it.

Aeon’s incredible acrobatic abilities and precision and a lot of this movie’s FX are like the attempt to climb the north face of the Uxbridge Road: Like them or not, you’ve got to admire the skill that goes into them.

Inspirational Quote: “We’re meant to die.  That’s what makes anything about us matter.”

AND…”Whatever we are, we’re not anarchists.  There have to be rules.”

Grade: C+

The Tooth Fairy (2006)

Not nearly as scary as the Nerve-Ending Fairy.

Thankfully the writer went to the trouble of making quite a few really bad, boring characters to utter the really bad, boring lines.  It’s only fair to spread ’em around.

Carrie Anne Fleming is a lot less interesting here than she is in ‘Jenifer’, even though she doesn’t wear any disfiguring makeup and actually speaks.  Her appearance here seems to be saying “I’m a SERIOUS actress.  I can do DRAMA.” No you’re not, no you can’t.

30:58 – Great Parenting 101 (Mother rescues child from the sight of extreme overacting)

Inspirational Quote: “What’s your d1ck doin’ over there, Chuck?”

Grade: F

Lo (2009)

*Sliced and Spliced from 9/29/12 – Behold*

Opening = Demon Summoning For Dummies

It’s all creepy/cool until he kicks over a candle. Twice. At least the theme music has the sense to stop then.

So, I think it’s gonna be this attempt at an amazingly grandiose gothic love story…and then I find out suddenly it’s gonna be this attempt at a gothy comedy/horror parody.  And then it sort of keeps switching back and forth.

Points for…originality?  No…somewhat-uniqueness, in the willingness to do really
silly things and risk being REALLY horrific instead of just generic-horrific.

It’s not PARTICULARLY funny. It’s actually…kind of…sweet.

It’s also weird, quirky, “different”, and…hmmm…

“Please…DON’T say it’s ‘fascinating’…”
“No. *Slight Headshake* But it is…interesting.”

Inspirational Quote: “You summoned me for LOVE???”

Grade: C+

9/30/12: Warning: Having seen this once, you might want to watch it again shortly thereafter.
When I watched it again, I found myself wishing semi-fervently (it’s not THAT good a movie) that
everyone/thing but the main characters could be completely erased as meaningless, or at least
drastically reduced in air time, and replaced with more interaction between the only things that
matter. All the others are just annoying, and make me think “Why am I watching this???”…until it
goes back to the main characters. Then I understand.

I also understand why I semi-fervently wish this was much better written.

Grade: B (Unless you’ve never experienced intense suffering in your life…then it remains C+)

10/15/12: In the final analysis, even a downtrodden “lovelorn” cynic like myself must
say with extreme conviction that the potential upside to watching this film (“Wow…”) is
completely worth the potential downside (“Stupid…”). I think the first…I can’t help it.
It’s how I’m wired. And I’m glad.

Grade: B+

5/25/15: “You just pray to see (something) that hasn’t changed…
one that looks (to) you exactly as it did before.”

Grade: B+

Shrooms (2007)

Lots of quasi-mythology and nipple talk make for a mildly interesting setup.

Then it just gets pretty stupid, unable to decide between silly-stupid and “scary”-stupid.

The theory that the reason it’s so meaningless and disjointed is because it’s about tripping on mushrooms is one that is strongly advanced by the director, the actors, and some of their friends.

Grade: F

The Call Of Cthulhu (2005)

Black and white silent with subtitles.

Short film version of H.P. Lovecraft’s short story of the same name.

Mildly intriguing, in a non-terrifying cheezy sort of way, with some interesting observations.  But it’s better either played or read about in one of any number of superior forms; some by Lovecraft, some by those he inspired.

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Merrie Melodies – Little Red Riding Rabbit (1944)

Highs:
a bunny rabbit.  ta HAVE!
extremely short cut
dismissing the wolves
doors of wonder
persistent Red
silly little song
silly little sign
lurking coal
extreme weight-testing
Bugs’ self-hatred

Lows:
None really…the first truly good one.

Grade: B+

12/25/12: Crude, but very effective.  Grade: A-

Mutants (2009)

French with subtitles.

But don’t let that dissuade you.  Because if you like this type of movie, it’s actually pretty good.  Pretty gory, but if you can deal with that, worth watching.

It’s an infection movie that’s much more akin to ’28 Days Later’ and “Rage” than anything zombie-ish.  Not only for the behavior of the infected, but because it’s shot in a way that’s fairly reminiscent of ’28 Days Later’, and actually almost as well.

Other similiarities: believable characters (some), a love story (of sorts) amidst the carnage, and lots of interesting visuals: some disturbing, some pretty.  I’m not saying it’s as good…it’s not.  Part of that has to do with the budget (a full evacuation of large parts of a major city costs money) and part with the mediocrity of some of the supporting cast.

But the two main actors are quite good, especially the female lead, who conveys a fairly wide range of emotions/nuances of character, along with great warmth and dedication towards the…being…she loves.

Maybe I’m getting too artsy here, but it seems to me that with the mostly cold/blue/icy images, the director was attempting to portray the bleakness and lack of feeling or mercy of the world and most of its characters, to which the leads stand in stark contrast.

One of the infected is actually more decent than some of the humans.  Why does it seem I’m ALWAYS saying that regarding non-human life forms???

Grade: B-

Doghouse (2009)

Macho, sexist, gory, meaningless.

BUT…

If you can deal with all that, it’s kinda fun.  Because it also features better-than-average dialogue/acting/directing than your typical cr@ppy horror/gore flick.

Highlights: useful garden gnome, mostly ineffective weaponry, tastelessly appropriate music.

Inspirational Quote: “Now is NOT the time to stop objectifying women.”

Grade: C-

Anton LaVey vs. Yamamoto Tsunetomo – Jarmuschian Rip/Riff by Puppy

I mean, come on, it’s not even a fair fight…but here goes:

“Self-preservation is the highest law.” – Anton LaVey

Now moving on to the higher primates…

“He felt that a resolution to die gives rise to a higher state of life, infused with beauty and grace beyond the reach of those concerned with self-preservation” – Wikipedian analysis of Yamamoto Tsunetomo

Analysis: Unless you’re convinced that you, YOURSELF, are the very essence of all that is good and wonderful about Humanity, and therefore you MUST survive to pass on your incredibly vital genes that noone else could possibly hope to possess…the fact is, there are (always have been, and always will be…either sadly or fortunately) PLENTY of people for whom self-preservation is the 1st, 2nd, 3rd…25th priority.  So don’t worry…Humanity is safe.  How can any thinking person with any semblance of consciousness not UNDERSTAND this?

“Self-preservation is the opiate of the masses.” – Puppy

Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)

Music by some kid on a synth machine.

Featuring the very rare “slapping zombie”.  Also featuring some grandiose post-apoc Ren Faire acting.

It’s got an unbelievably slight “Awwww…they tried for a touching drama” sort of charm.

The will is moderate but the script is horrible.

59:43 – HAIKIBA!

Inspirational Quote: “Holy Jesus Christmas Sh1t!”

Grade: F

The Graves (2010)

Sad.

Oodles of cleavage shots (no nudity) and bad dialogue.

Features two young actresses at the beginning and ending of their EXCITING careers.

Two questions I pondered while watching:
1) Is this ever going to get scary or interesting?
2) How badly did Tony Todd REALLY need the money from this?

Too dumb to even be offensive.  You can watch it to laugh at it, I guess…*Shrug*

Question:  Why does it have like half a dozen “Executive Producers”?
Answer: The director wanted to get all his friends in the credits.

Reminiscent of ‘Spinal Tap’…Nigel Tufnel: Lead Guitar.  David St. Hubbins: Lead Guitar.

Inspirationally Dumb Quote: “I’ll try to make this painless.” – Guy holding a bloody hammer

Grade: F-

Chillerama (2011)

Warning: In INCREDIBLY bad taste.

Now if it was utterly worthless, I wouldn’t bother to say that.  But it’s not.

It’s a fairly interesting set-up that turns into three (see below) really silly, cheezy intentionally B-grade “horror” movies.

1: Man vs. his own sperm in a life-or-death struggle.  Not bad.
2: ‘The Gay Werebear Musical’…dull and boring.
3: Hitler gets beaten to death with his own arm.  Not brilliant, but easily the best.  Features lots of World’s-Funniest-Joke-ish fake German, an utterly tasteless theory on ‘The Diary Of Anne Frank’, and a Jewish “Frankenstein’s Monster”.

Supposedly there are four movies, but number 4 is a tiny slice of nothingness that leads into the increasingly dull/cliche/please-let-it-end ending.

Recommendation: If you like cheeze and horrible taste, watch 1 and 3.

Grade: D+

The X-Files – A Decision/Commentary

I’ve concluded, after leaning towards the “extremely interesting” side for the beginning of season one, that I’m now firmly in the “boring” camp.  And vastly over-hyped.

The extremely spotty quality of the last two-thirds or so of that season and the beginning of season two, the already-redundancy of some of the episodes and ideas, and the extreme over-analysis of the show to the last minute dull detail MANY other places on the web has convinced me that to continue further would be a complete and utter waste of time…more often boring than interesting.

So I’ll end after a mostly-interesting season one.  If you insist on more, be my guest…but it’s better to burn out than to fade away, and my interest is fading rapidly.  I’ll remember it, somewhat fondly, as a cute little romance.  With aliens.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Hellboy (2004)

The first time I attempted to watch it I expected way too much, and stopped in disappointment. 

This time I expected mediocrity, and was therefore “pleasantly surprised”.

Violent but (thankfully) not extremely gory.  Why?  Either to avoid an “R”, or because it’s simply NOT NECESSARY.  If you want gore, watch a Rob Zombie sh1tfest.

Features Mulder’s dream job.

Cute, amusing, sweet, fun, disgusting and Cthulhu-esque.  With brilliant special effects.

Only problem: The writing isn’t as clever as it wants to be.  Or I want it to be, at least.

Observation: “Hellboy”, demon…one of the most decent beings in the movie.

Inspirational Quote: “What makes a man a man? … it’s the choices he makes.  Not how he starts things…but how he decides to end them.”

Grade: B

Melancholia (2011)

‘My Big Fat Artsy Gloomy Pre-Apocalyptic Wedding’.

OR, if you prefer: ‘…Infinitely Sad’

Well that was really horribly directed. 

“Let’s show exactly what happens in the first 8 minutes, with extremely interesting visuals in a sort of surreal, classical music-backed way…and then just make the really cool short vignette this should have been into a dull, ponderous waste of time.”

Like a typical “Only Happy When It Rains” person, the main character is traumatized by happiness (her own/that of anyone else) and becomes more and more content as horrible events approach. 

Some people have clinical/chemical depression, and deserve nothing but sympathy for something that is of absolutely no fault of their own.  Other people get depressed because they realize (occasionally) what nasty, dull, worthless little cusses they are. *’Glory’ rip…You rock, RGS*

Didn’t think I’d see another “heroine” so soon that made Clementine look sweet/interesting.

Warning: Possible PTM

Grade: D-

Dark Town (2004)

“Touching” dysfunctional family drama/horror movie.

The way it transitions seamlessly from drug-deal shootout to supposed (obscured by sheet) lesbian sex to birthday candle lighting to dumb dialogue to intermittent nipple shots back to dumb dialogue is a true monument to bad editing.  And writing.  And then there’s the bad acting.

Creepy-guy introduces new D+D spell: “Cause Light Menstruation” – Range: Touch.

You can tell the fangs are fake because of the extreme impediment to clear speech they provide.

Highlight: Tense, nerve-wracking shootout from opposite sides of the same car.

Guest Review: “What the Hell is that???” – Steve Martin

It’s off streaming on December 1st, so HURRY!!!

Grade: F-

Gordy (1995)

Watching ‘Babe’ was a truly moving experience.

Watching ‘Gordy’ makes me want to eat a GLT.

It’s so remarkably fluffy that you can’t really HATE it, but that’s all it is: fluff.  It’s an after-school special with a talking pig, the sort of movie that even as a small child I would scoff at as childish.

I think it’s a good bet anyone above toddler age would concur with me on that.

Features lots of exciting livestock footage.

Grade: D-

11/18/16: The heartwarming tale of Phil Gordian’s attempt to infiltrate the world’s- Oh. Nevermind, just a stupid ‘Babe’ ripoff. Grade: D-

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

The calm, pleasant way in which a society that celebrates rape, murder, and pointless brutality is presented and portrayed is horrifying.

Kubrick’s direction and the language he instills into the nightmare-fantasy make it that much more believable, hence truly foreboding and scary.

But the scariest thing to me in this gruesome little masterpiece is that some people watch Alex and his droogs with admiration instead of revulsion.

The second scariest thing is the calm, pleasant way in which the government adapts to anything and everything that gets in the way of the necessary progress of the State.

Inspirational Quote: “Goodness comes from within.  Goodness is chosen.  When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.”

Grade: A

The X-Files – Episode 24 (The Erlenmeyer Flask)

You knew they had to ditch the sometimes-mediocre “monster” episodes and return to the story arc for the season finale, and they do.  And thankfully Chris Carter writes it.

Genetics/Extraterrestrial/Conspiracy based.  No vague “hints” here, this delivers even more than ‘E.B.E.’  Vital and powerful, a must-see if you have any interest in the show itself.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” gives a vague tip to Mulder, Scully makes her distaste of “Deep Throat” plain to Mulder, an objective analysis seems to prove something believed impossible, Scully meets “Deep Throat” and interacts one-on-one with him for the first time, MAJOR ending events, including an eerie reminder of the pilot episode. 9906753.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m not gonna give up.  I can’t give up…not as long as the truth is out there.”

The X-Files – Episode 21 (Tooms)

After a brief period of mediocre/unimportant episodes…

The “monster” from episode 3 is back.  He’s still creepy, and while this reprisal is also irrelevant to the story arc, it’s almost as interesting as the original. 

Highlight for me is a playful/serious exchange in which Scully actually calls Mulder by his first name, and makes her loyalty to him abundantly clear…not that that was necessary, for him or a viewer with any perception.  She later, through a rather non-Scully-esque action, proves it.

Inspirational Quote: “You can get the next mutant.”

Why Fascism Has Historically Favored Atheism – Bleedin’ Obvious Observation By Puppy

It’s easier to get people to do what you tell them to do when they’re convinced the leader of the state is the supreme, ultimate authority on everything.  That being no longer possible through “God-King” myths, it is done via propaganda often to create a “Cult of Personality”.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cult_of_personality

The X-Files – Episode 17 (E.B.E.)

You want UFO/conspiracy-based, you got it.  “Trust noone” certainly applies here. 

One of the best episodes yet.

Points of note: “The Lone Gunmen” introduced, “Deep Throat” meets with Mulder and (for the first time) seems a bit jittery, Mulder acknowledges the existence of “Deep Throat” to Scully but not his exact identity, Scully questions “Deep Throat”‘s intentions/reliability, “Lone Gunmen” prove useful.

Inspirational Quote: “I think it’s remotely plausible that someone might think you’re hot.”

The X-Files – Episode 16 (Young At Heart)

A supposed dead man is supposedly on the loose.  Also centers on medical research that mirrors ‘Re-Animator’ in its callousness.

Points of note: An incident revealed from Mulder’s past gives an indication as to why he’s so dedicated/obsessed to/with his work, research information “lost” but established as still existing, government connection/interest concerning research confirmed by “Deep Throat”.

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Fairly intelligent and cleverly macabre/campy without being overly gory.  Nothing special, but it’s worth watching if you like such things.

First film: Christian Slater and Steve Buscemi try to out-creepy each other.

Second film: Adorable yet DANGEROUS kitty cat.  Sort of like the ‘Holy Grail’ rabbit.

Third film: Predictable yet fairly interesting take on promises.

All intertwined by an impeccable suburbanite cannibal.

Grade: C+

9/1/23: The third is easily the best; it’s actually kind of sad and touching. I’d recommend watching it, and the little connecting (and ending) bits, and skipping the first two. I don’t get how I found them “cleverly macabre/campy”, but I did write this almost 11 years ago and I was probably in a better mood. Grade: C-

Slither (2006)

Features the captain from ‘Firefly’/’Serenity’, if you care. 

Also features some very grotesque images, some just nasty and some so surreal they’re kinda funny in a campy, H.P. Lovecraft-would-have-approved sort of way.

It’s an alien possession/infiltration movie, sort of like ‘Invasion Of The Body Snatchers’ (only not as good) or ‘The Puppet Masters’ (with better acting).  It’s also a comedy, unlike either of those…so basically it’s horror/comedy/”interesting” visuals. 

If you like that, good…if not, there’s nothing else.  Meaning there’s no real drama or characters.  But who cares?

Not me.  I put this just a notch below ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’ and ‘Fido’ in the gleefully enjoyable intelligent camp horror/comedy category.

Lesson Learned: Never threaten a man-squid.

Inspirational Fight: Painted-Japanese Nails vs. Slug-Thing

Inspirational Quote: “…I turn into a FCKEN mollusc, I’m gonna sue those bastards”

Grade: B-

Revisionist History – Satire By Puppy

In the spirit of the Holidays, let’s take a “what if?” look back…the year, 1897:

Title: Is There A Santa Claus?

“Dear Editor: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says “If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.”
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?”

“Crusading Atheist Editor:
What are you, stupid?  I mean…GROW UP!  LIES!  ALL LIES!  Thanks for writing.”

The X-Files – Episode 13 (Beyond The Sea)

Brad Dourif is very impressive as a serial killer who claims psychic powers.

The monster is a human in this one, same as the last one.  Only, the last one isn’t worth watching, let alone reviewing, and this one certainly is.

Mulder’s affection for Scully becomes obvious here, at least in a legitimately paternal way. I’m echoing myself, I know, but I couldn’t resist…and it is true.

Points of note: Major event in Scully’s family (and other events) tilts her more towards “belief” in one area at least, Mulder faces death, and Mulder/Scully reverse roles somewhat.