Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Fairly intelligent and cleverly macabre/campy without being overly gory.  Nothing special, but it’s worth watching if you like such things.

First film: Christian Slater and Steve Buscemi try to out-creepy each other.

Second film: Adorable yet DANGEROUS kitty cat.  Sort of like the ‘Holy Grail’ rabbit.

Third film: Predictable yet fairly interesting take on promises.

All intertwined by an impeccable suburbanite cannibal.

Grade: C+

9/1/23: The third is easily the best; it’s actually kind of sad and touching. I’d recommend watching it, and the little connecting (and ending) bits, and skipping the first two. I don’t get how I found them “cleverly macabre/campy”, but I did write this almost 11 years ago and I was probably in a better mood. Grade: C-

Slither (2006)

Features the captain from ‘Firefly’/’Serenity’, if you care. 

Also features some very grotesque images, some just nasty and some so surreal they’re kinda funny in a campy, H.P. Lovecraft-would-have-approved sort of way.

It’s an alien possession/infiltration movie, sort of like ‘Invasion Of The Body Snatchers’ (only not as good) or ‘The Puppet Masters’ (with better acting).  It’s also a comedy, unlike either of those…so basically it’s horror/comedy/”interesting” visuals. 

If you like that, good…if not, there’s nothing else.  Meaning there’s no real drama or characters.  But who cares?

Not me.  I put this just a notch below ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’ and ‘Fido’ in the gleefully enjoyable intelligent camp horror/comedy category.

Lesson Learned: Never threaten a man-squid.

Inspirational Fight: Painted-Japanese Nails vs. Slug-Thing

Inspirational Quote: “…I turn into a FCKEN mollusc, I’m gonna sue those bastards”

Grade: B-

Revisionist History – Satire By Puppy

In the spirit of the Holidays, let’s take a “what if?” look back…the year, 1897:

Title: Is There A Santa Claus?

“Dear Editor: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says “If you see it in THE SUN it’s so.”
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?”

“Crusading Atheist Editor:
What are you, stupid?  I mean…GROW UP!  LIES!  ALL LIES!  Thanks for writing.”

The X-Files – Episode 13 (Beyond The Sea)

Brad Dourif is very impressive as a serial killer who claims psychic powers.

The monster is a human in this one, same as the last one.  Only, the last one isn’t worth watching, let alone reviewing, and this one certainly is.

Mulder’s affection for Scully becomes obvious here, at least in a legitimately paternal way. I’m echoing myself, I know, but I couldn’t resist…and it is true.

Points of note: Major event in Scully’s family (and other events) tilts her more towards “belief” in one area at least, Mulder faces death, and Mulder/Scully reverse roles somewhat.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 19)

There should be a “Crusading Atheist/Antitheist Cable Network”.

They can take all the great Holiday classics we know and love and edit them for “truth-telling” purposes.

THINK OF IT!

The ending of ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’:

“Hark the herald fictional creatures made up by humankind for their own comfort sing, glory to the new-born human being who was not in fact the son of God so don’t kid yourself…”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Latest Great Atheist Achievement

I read an article where an atheist individual with (I believe) sponsorship and/or support from an atheist group spent the time and energy that could have been used on hundreds of “Pro-Humanity” causes to instead put up a billboard next to a nativity scene in which they (Kids, please stop reading here) outed Santa Claus as a fraud.  Oh, and objected to religion.

Now, my major complaint here is…since anyone with ANY degree of intelligence knows that an atheist billboard isn’t going to convert a “believer” any more than seeing a nativity scene is going to convert a “disbeliever” or “non-believer”, and that BOTH are free expressions under the First Amendment of the United States (You know…freedom of speech/religion-nonreligion and all that):

Why do you want to make little children cry?

I mean…imagine the scene, parents taking their kids to see Santa, they’re all excited and happy to say what they want for Christmas…they’re not thinking about the existence or non-existence of God, they’re not being “brainwashed” (Unless you think Santa Claus must be exposed as a fraud on SHEER PRINCIPLE), they’re not doing anything except BEING HAPPY…and then the parents have to console them and explain that the billboard is wrong so they’ll stop crying.

Ummm…can you say “childhood trauma”? 

Is there a crusading atheist actually there to back up the billboard, too? “Don’t listen to them, kids!!  Santa is a FRAUD!!!”

Or, to put it simpler: “Tellarites do not argue for a reason, they simply argue.” – Sarek

The X-Files – Episode 11 (Eve)

Do all blood-draining puncture marks come from “vampires”?

Depends on how you view genetics and its relation to humanity/inhumanity.

Interesting, and very creepy.

Eves abound…one of the greatest arguments against eugenics given our incredibly limited minds in relation to such things.

This time it’s Scully that’s slightly/playfully jealous of Mulder…very cute.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” appears after a subtle hint.

The Horde (2009)

Zombies.  En Francais.

There’s a very brief set-up, then it gets really violent and gory…for a little while, at least.  But even if you like violent and gory, you probably won’t like this.

Since this movie has pretentious (unfulfilled) aspirations to be serious and meaningful,  there are long lulls between the violent scenes.  But unlike, say, ‘Land Of The Dead’, they’re dull, boring lulls, serving to alienate and frustrate gore fiends and those that make the mistake of reading the subtitles looking for a good story equally as much.

Usually the reason I don’t like watching foreign-language films is that I have to worry about missing some nuance in acting or emotion while I’m reading the subtitles.  Here, since the dialogue is just as bad in French as a generic American zombie flick, the only thing the subtitles do is take up screen space.

Lots of head-butting, too.

Grade: F

The X-Files – Episode 10 (Fallen Angel)

Major return to the story arc…UFO-based, intelligent, quick-moving, and (by far most importantly) back to being interesting.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” is called upon again, “Max” from NICAP introduced, Mulder pisses lots of people off.  And we learn that maybe “Deep Throat” isn’t quite what he appears to be through an intervention on his behalf.

The X-Files – Episode 8 (Ice)

Draws heavily from John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’.  It’s more intellectual but not as interesting…but still interesting enough to watch.  But I must say, this is the first episode in which I found the acting to be a bit overly dramatic. 

Speaking of firsts, Episode 9 is the first episode I found to be dull and unimportant enough not to review.  I’m hoping it’s a temporary hiccup.

Inspirational Quote: “Before anyone passes judgement, may I remind you, we ARE in the Arctic.”

Rob Roy (1995)

Released the same year as ‘Braveheart’, but it’s very little like it.  To say they’re both about Scotsmen is obvious, but ‘Braveheart’ is a grand, majestic, powerful quasi-historic epic.

This is simply a study of characters and of the nature of character.  It’s fairly well-made and fairly well-acted, but compared to ‘Braveheart’, just not-as and not-nearly-as.  Not as powerful, either…because at times the drama seems more forced than real.

As for other comparisons, Liam Neeson’s Robert Roy MacGregor is just as noble as William Wallace or Robert the Bruce, while Tim Roth’s Archibald is just as despicable as King Edward and just as foppish as his son.  Of course, like ‘Braveheart’, it’s just a movie.

Inspirational Quote: “Honor is…what no man can give you.  And none can take away.”

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

The X-Files – Episode 7 (Ghost In The Machine)

Don’t mess with COS. 

The monster is a machine this time, or so it seems.  Very interesting.

Points of note: “Deep Throat” is called upon twice, Mulder/Scully make a major enemy.

Scully’s affection for Mulder becomes obvious here, at least in a legitimately maternal way.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/motherly

Amusing little ‘2001’ reference, too.

The X-Files – Episode 6 (Shadows)

This one’s about psychokinesis…extremely interesting, actually. 

Think a variation of ‘Firestarter’, maybe…if it had been put to film anywhere near the level of the novel. 

Scully’s skepticism becomes illogical at one point in this episode.  To deny the existence of something you consider “impossible”, even when presented with it, is illogical.

“An ancestor of mine maintained that if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” – Spock

The X-Files – Episode 5 (The Jersey Devil)

Monster of the week: See title. 

Not the best monster, or story.

Notable mostly, since I care far more about the characters than the story, for Mulder’s first obvious jealous twinge regarding Scully and Scully duly taking note and appearing more amused and flattered than offended. 

Which shows, as compared to the later dialogue regarding said “relationship”, that subtlety can often reveal far more than blatant exposition.  Or, as they say, “Insinuation really makes it happen”.

Reaffirmed when Scully, with just a bit of guilty/gloatingly independent reluctance, tells Mulder she has a date: which of course she doesn’t enjoy one bit.

Deadtime Stories: Volume 1 (2011)

A laughably wretched/wretchedly laughable horror anthology doesn’t get any better because George A. Romero puts his name on it and does some really bad intros for each segment.

But don’t blame George for creating this…that honor goes to writer Jeff Monahan. 

Just blame him for thinking his name still carries any weight after ‘Survival’.

Grade: F-

The X-Files – Episode 3 (Squeeze)

The attraction (or at least mutual respect, admiration, and slight affection) is already obvious.  And it feels natural, real, unforced.

As to the episode, it is what I believe is called a “monster-of-the-week” episode…no real impact on the main story arc, except to continue to establish Mulder/Scully’s relationship.

This one’s pretty good, though…creepy.  Spooky, too.

Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood (1996)

Opening: “Throw me the whip!”

More akin to the show than ‘Demon Knight’ was.  Because it’s more cheezy and silly.  But, like the show, it’s also a bit of fun.

Dennis Miller’s got a lot of one-liners in this baby, cha cha.  My personal fav given recent viewing: “Weird Duchov-nian riff”.

Grade: C

The X-Files – Episode 2 (Deep Throat)

An extremely UFO-based episode.

Points of note: knowledgeable contact introduced, Mulder’s memory affected.

Featuring a hippie/stoner Seth Green.

For the record, I’m a little bit Mulder, a little bit Scully.

I’m not arrogant or blind enough to believe that everything MUST have a logical, scientifically verifiable fact-based explanation and that if we don’t see it well then we just haven’t looked hard enough.

Neither am I flaky or anti-intellectual enough to believe that everything that cannot be immediately explained MUST be supernatural in nature.

So it’s interesting to watch myself argue with myself via Mulder and Scully.

Inspirational Quote: “When does the human cost become too high for the building of a better machine?”

Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Intro: Naughty little birdies.  Kinda cute.

I don’t think a plot summary is really necessary: It’s a kids movie that’s just smart enough for adults.  Which is rather common of Pixar, I think.  Unfortunately, what’s also common of Pixar, from what I’ve seen, is that the “smart enough for adults” part isn’t nearly smart enough to watch every single variation on it.  And I prefer DreamWorks, anyway.

But, as to its charm…

Guest Review, paraphrased:

“Oh Mugsy…it’s adorable.” – Rocky

Grade: B-

The X-Files – Episode 1 (Pilot)

I’ve meant to watch this show, from beginning to end, for a LONG time.

Only seen a few random, scattered episodes…then told myself I’d wait and, one day, watch it properly, in order.  Part of me wanted it to be boring, so I could move on to something else.  Part of me wanted it to be extremely interesting, so I could have a new show to focus on that I found worthy of my attention and analysis.

So far, I’m leaning more towards the “interesting” part.  Mulder and Scully seem to mesh together right from the start: not quite Sam and Diane, but it’s close.  And, of course, more mature.

A good introduction to the characters and the theme…and the ending is reminiscent of ‘Raiders’…top men working on it.  9906753.

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Week Ten)

I’m a big Pats fan, but…I’m also not blinded by my fandom.  So I must say…

Exactly why are the referees making up penalties to keep Pats drives alive?  I mean…it’s not “borderline”…it’s “blatantly obvious”.

And it’s not like we need the help…I mean, we’re not the Jets or anything.  Oh!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

EXCITING new film idea – By Puppy

By now we’ve all seen (or at least heard of and declined to see) ‘Saw’.

Like ‘Night of the Living Dead’, but with much less cause, it’s spawned numerous copycats. 

I say “much less cause” because it’s not as good as ‘Night’.  Or ‘Dawn’.  Or ‘Day’.  Or ‘Shaun’. Or ‘Fido’.  Or even ‘Zombie Girl’.  Maybe ‘Xombie’…but that’s too close to call.

So we get all these God-awful remakes: X people are trapped in X location for X period of time to see what happens when X by a psychotic X.

Luckily, since I dismissed the original framework pretty easily, there’s not terribly much reason to bother with most of these.  So it does at least grant me the favor that Romero does NOT…there MIGHT be another good zombieish flick out there, and so I watch them.

Here’s an idea…how about they pull the old switcheroo?  Instead of X psychotic X kidnapping X people and blah blah blah…how about a movie where X people kidnap X psychotic X and force them to live in conditions of extreme luxury and happiness until they X?  Where the last X = do something nice, smile, say “awwwwww…”, “Like” a LOLcat…and so forth.  You get the general idea.

Feel free to steal this idea if you want.  But see ‘He Said I Could’ first.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

William Shatner’s Get A Life! (2012)

Brief interviews with various Trekkies.

The opening bit and the title makes it out to be a parody of Star Trek fanaticism, but that’s a completely false impression.  There’s no humor at all after that, and it’s basically just an “exploration” of the “meaning” of Star Trek.  If you’re not a Trekkie, you’ll probably think it’s an incredibly fawning treatment of a tv show.  I like Star Trek, but even I find it FAR too sentimental and self-worshipping.

To say it’s pretentious would be…an understatement.  It’s beyond pretentious, into laughable.

Yes, there are moving moments…but they’re not because of Star Trek.  They’re because you see people that are feeling obvious deep emotion.  Such deep emotion is common to life, not exclusive in any way to Star Trek.

As Shatner himself said later in the taken-from-SNL bit used to open this, “It’s just a tv show, it’s just a tv show!!”

Grade: D-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: F

Jucy (2010)

It’s a dramedy.  As such, it’s a bit overwrought. 

There are moments that are so over-acted/over-emotioned that they belong in a soap opera, but there are also some fairly charming and sweet moments.  It’s got the requisite obstacles to be overcome, and if you like “feel-good” movies that are a bit quirky, this could do the trick. 

Not really my cup of tea…but it’s watchable.

Grade: D+

5/3/14: Not my cup of tea AT ALL.  But, still…watchable.  Grade: D

Area 407 (2012)

This movie is shot from the point of view (at least to start) of a little girl carrying a videocamera.  I believe this was done for three reasons:

First, it makes it “different” from other people-pursued-by-nasty-things movies.
Second, it justifies the incompetence of the camera work and masks the bad dialogue/dialogue lapses with perpetual random chatter.
Third, it garners sympathy for the overall poor quality of the film and its characters.

What’s next, cute-kitty-cat-cam?  Defenseless-crawling-toddler-cam?

Exploiting-peoples-sympathies-for-a-buck-cuz-we’re-morally-and-artistically-bankrupt-cam?

Maybe this was just some sleazy film exec’s answer to the question: “How do we make people care about an otherwise generic horror flick?”

Alternate Title: ‘Little Susie’s Camera Fascination Meets BLOOD’

Alternate Title 2: ‘The Gore Glitch Project’

‘Area 407’ was filmed on location in a vacant field. *MST RIP*

The only halfway intelligent parts of the film play on government conspiracy paranoia, but there are only two of them and they last a combined 5 minutes, tops.  But I’m not gonna tell you where they are.  I sat through this pile of exploitative sh1t, and if you wanna find out, DIY.

Here’s maybe how this went down…*PYTHON RIP*

“Quite frankly, I think the central script system may need strengthening a bit.”
“Isn’t that going to put the cost up?”
“Ummmm…it might.”
“Well, I don’t know if I’d worry about strengthening THAT much…I mean, it’s not meant to be a luxury movie.”
“Quite agree, quite agree…I think provided the viewers are of light mind and relatively sedentary, and given a spot of good luck, I think we’re on to a winner here.”

Grade: F-

12/31/13: Two halfway-intelligent bits are two more than an F- should have.  Grade: F

The Battle Cry Of The Fervent Anti-Theist

“All your religion are belong to us!”

Most of these radical types are in the same vein as the pre-prison Derek Vinyards of the world:  They’re angry (at something they don’t quite understand, or that they can’t do anything about), and so they group together en masse for a good old fashioned mob-mentality Two-Minutes Hate.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Two_Minutes_Hate

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Politics In America Today – Editorial By Puppy

It’s obvious to anyone that isn’t blinded by their own convictions or the convictions they have promised to follow even if proven shaky and/or untrue simply to maintain party unity that a major reason the Republican Party seems so fractured, out-of-touch, and just plain ignorant and/or self-blinded to reality is the following:

“Freedom of Religion” means exactly that: Freedom to choose what religion, if any, you believe in and to practice your faith in the context of your life without infringing on anyone else’s same right.

It does NOT mean merging Religion with Politics and using as your only basis for support “It’s what I believe as a *Insert Faith Here*.”

The days of that argument holding any water at all began to decline quite a while ago.  It wasn’t a sudden dropoff, but like the 50’s propaganda films that seemed well-intentioned but slightly out of touch then and completely absurd and laughable now, there is a similar trajectory.

The fact that Americans are progressively, by generation, less and less likely to be indoctrinated in any particular Faith will eventually lead to two things:

1) Belief will become a more personal, meaningful, and DEEPER thing, since it will be increasingly chosen by individuals through the process of self-exploration and exploration of perspectives, one’s own and those of others, and not slapped on them by their parents or community.

2) The number of people that can be accurately described by Albert Einstein as “Crusading Atheists” will dwindle to a small, angry minority just as offensive and abhorrent as in-your-face “Crusaders” for any form of belief.  There being no more “cause” to be angry about, the remnants will simply be angry “about” something else…for some people aren’t angry for reasons, they simply pick a reason to affix their anger to.

P.S.: The “banning” of any religion or form of spirituality is not only WRONG by definition (banning beliefs?  Read ‘1984’)…also, it can’t be done.  Beliefs can NEVER be destroyed.  Ideas can NEVER be “done away with”.  It’s been tried…doesn’t work.  So apart from being immoral, it’s also completely illogical, impractical, and a complete and utter waste of time. 

Instead of protesting religion “telling people how to think” by “telling people how to think” (Does anyone else see the Republican Math here?), how about this…everyone leaves everyone else alone to decide, on their own, with their own minds and without propaganda from either side, without any form of coercion at all…”What do I believe?”.

THAT would be a monumental step forward in the “evolution” of humanity, and it would be achieved through ACTIVE ENCOURAGEMENT OF FREEDOM, rather than FORBIDDANCE OF FREEDOM.  Now…what’s wrong with that?  Peace.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Idiots And Angels (2008)

No angels, lots of idiots.  Colossally stupid.

Bill Plympton’s amateurish and grotesque animation can actually be enjoyable over short periods of time and with the right ideas, but without any and at feature-film length, it’s just extremely painful.  And why, pray tell, are we supposed to feel any sympathy at all for this incredibly nasty piece of work?  The main character, that is.

BONUS:  No dialogue.

Grade: F

The Comic Strip Presents – Episode 11 (Eddie Monsoon)

Worthy of Note:
origin of Ab-Fab’s “Edina Monsoon”
violent nurse
angry childrens show
tolerable suicide
Radio Free Nigeria
‘Big Jobs in My Trousers’
like……….that
very nice bastard
congenital syphilis
bags of charisma
Eddie’s fans: a dog and his uncle
E. Monsoon talking to E. Monsoon
Eddie Monsoon’s brilliant unpublished novel

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)

I don’t buy the intro.  She’s a psycho…and she’s not even an INTERESTING psycho…just a weird, moody, freaky-annoying one.  I mean, I guess chemistry is debatable, but it seems like the only reason she pursued him and anything happened at all is cuz it’s in the script and she’s an actress.

She’s a good movie example of a real-life type I’ve met before, and you probably have too: weird and freaky and chaotic and random and eager-to-fck because without those things you’d see what else was inside the very attractive outside shell.  Namely, dull nothingness.

And since she’s treated as the heroine and example of how to live a wonderful, “free” life, she (and by default, this movie) is championed by those who, deep down inside, fear they’re just as dull and shallow as she is…and/or random scumbags that like to do whatever they want without regard for anyone else and then fall apart when the time comes for something called “responsibility”.

I guess I’d be incredibly emotionally impressed if I, for a second, believed any aspect of their relationship.  But I’m either too smart, not smart enough, or not weird enough.  Oh well.  I do admire the ending, though.  I’d even call it brave and moving, if I cared about either character.

But it IS visually impressive…VERY impressive.  And the sequences become more elaborate and more intelligent and more humorous as they go on…for a while.  Then they crest and fade away, like a wave you thought could NEVER reach you…and it comes close, a lot closer than you thought it would…but in the end, you were right, and it quickly dissipates and is gone.

It’s challenging…a thought-provoking, in-your-face demand of self-evaluation.  In that sense, and as an exercise in artistic and visual mastery, it’s brilliant.  But it’s too mechanical and unbelievable, in the sense of how it actually plays out, to be anywhere near the masterpiece its legions of admirers hail it as.

To see something that’s closer to how I feel about this movie but that’s far too clever for me to be able to concoct, see ‘Depeche Mode – A Non-Puppy Perspective’.  Focus on the attitude in grudgingly awarding a decent grade, not the words.  You can almost feel the dismissive venom dripping off the screen.

Inspirational Quote: “I assume you fcked someone tonight.  Isn’t that how you get people to like you?”

Grade: B

5/3/14: I prefer character interaction over studio mastery, and the main characters don’t “interact”.  They stand near each other at times and repeatedly fail to sell the relationship at all.  Grade: B-