Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Armless (2010)

Watching this, I didn’t care whether he succeeded or not. I did, however, noticing his ‘Reservoir Dogs’ resemblance, dub him “Annoying Orange”.

Just as quirky/weird as ‘Lo’, but not nearly as interesting despite the topic.  In fact, my favorite part of writing this review has been getting to reference ‘Lo’ again. Amidst a sea of sh1t, a B is a beacon of light.

If this isn’t a parody of ‘Fight Club”s flagrantly absurd quasi-Nietzschean gibberish, it should be.  I take it as such, to get any enjoyment out of it.

Aleister Crowley wasn’t talking about this guy…

Inspirational Quote: “Eww…Stop! God!…I mean there is so much fcked up sh1t in this world that we can’t control, why the FCK would you ever wanna add to it??”

Grade: D

10/4/12: I’VE GOT IT!  How could I have been so BLIND?
There are 5 messages in this movie:
1) ALWAYS explore fantasy/roleplay before venturing into reality (e.g. cutting your arms off)
2) All anyone with a major anxiety/panic disorder really needs is a good SHOCK to the system (take THAT, psychiatric profession!  And Bembridge scholars!)
3) When writing a movie (or sketch), it’s important to remember that there should always be a “beginning”, a “middle”, and an “ending”.  Writing only one usually leads to poor results. (See ‘Kids In The Hall – Episode  17’ (Kevin’s middle) )

Inspirational Answer To My Question From The Movie: What does this movie have, after the premise? – “There’s nothing there…there’s nothing there…”

Grade: D-

Spock’s Way

*Kirk* “…made Mr. Spock and me, brothers.”
*Garth* *quickly* “Mr. Spock…do you consider Captain Kirk and yourself, “brothers”?”
*Spock* “Captain Kirk speaks somewhat figuratively, and with undue emotion;  however, what he says is logical, and I do, in fact, agree with it.”

1313: Cougar Cult (2012)

With the two exceptions of 1) featuring REALLY has-been scream-queen Linnea Quigley (who is best watched in ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’) and 2) featuring cougar-heads that made me actually half-laugh/half go “Oh, COME on…” this can be best summed up, as it relates to the indescribably no-genre ‘1313: Frankenqueen’, by the following exchange…

“So…what do you think?”
“I THINK…that it’s exactly the same…yeah…it’s exactly the same.”

Grade: F-

Project X (1987)

“Shock The Monkey” has nothing to do with animal testing.  But it does make an appropriate theme song.

After ‘WarGames’ in 84, where he successfully played a kid, I believe this is Broderick’s first real “grown-up” role.  Unlike ‘WarGames’, this movie is not terribly dated.  It’s actually quite well-written and well-acted, and the sympathy it evokes in me is real.

Here’s my take on omnivores: As one, I feel no responsibility to act any better or worse than is expected of any other.  Therefore, as all other omnivores do, I eat both plants and animals.  No other omnivore is criticized for behaving as is in its nature.  However, by the same reasoning, no other omnivore kills, or even hurts, another animal unless it is in direct self-defense of self or “family”, or to eat them.  They don’t do it for sport, or “research”, or “enjoyment” (see sadist).

That’s why animal testing shows that we are, in fact, lower than chimps if we watch this movie and do NOT feel great sympathy for them and great resentment at the humans willingly doing things such as this to them.  Human beings are the only natural life forms that ever behave contrary to the basic laws of nature.  No wonder we’re the only ones actually destroying the nature that provides us with life.

All that being said…after the initial premise is established and taken to its logical conclusion, how much do you really want to watch “Chimpanzees Gone Wild”/”The Great Chimp Escape”?

I said I felt sympathy for the chimps, not the movie.

Inspirational Characters: Virgil/J. Garrett

Grade: C+

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 11)

Some people might wonder why I list Spock as an “influence”, and not Data.

Well, here’s the reason…

Data is a machine.  A machine programmed to behave as a living being.  It is in his nature, by default and without any effort, to be completely logical and to behave logically at all times.  Thus, it is no more impressive when he does so than when a calculator correctly performs a function asked of it, a television set turns on when you hit the “power” button, or a spider builds a web.  They are inherent functions of the items…even the spider, being a living thing, does not receive praise for its choice to build a web.  That’s what spiders do…they build webs.

Vulcans, on the other hand, even pure-blooded ones, are extremely emotional beings.  That they choose to suppress this emotion, through a conscious decision and with extreme effort, because they believe it is the proper thing to do, is an accomplishment.  Perhaps not always the BEST thing to do, but it is quite an accomplishment.  To struggle mightily to achieve and maintain something is laudable.  To behave in a way inherent to your nature is expected.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Xombie: Dead On Arrival (2003)

A collection of chapters forming a short “film” (about 50 minutes).

The animation is horrid and it’s nothing special…but if you want to see something zombie-ish that’s both kinda cutesy and kinda gross, you might want to check it out.

Also, the music’s cool.

Grade: C

3/1/13: Nothing special.  I was in a generous mood.  Grade: D+

The Dead Undead (2010)

For those that might watch for this reason: there’s NO nudity.

This movie brought to you by the random rounds of ammunition corporation, who remind you to use random rounds of ammunition every day as part of a healthy diet. 

Also the make-a-zombie-movie-to-get-your-friends’-music-into-it foundation.

And the HAIKIBA!-jumping-ZV’s foundation.

And finally the Mad-Cow-induced-Ebay-Selling-Vampires foundation.

Have I mentioned there’s absolutely NO nudity?

This got the same Netflix rating as ‘Lo’???!!!

The only way to enjoy this movie, supplied by a character from it: “You have to destroy the brain completely.”

This review inspired in part by the rip-MST3K-and-MPFC foundation.

That comment inspired by the UAF foundation. (Figure it out…come on…it’s easy).

Inspirational Quote: “Wanna shower first?”

Grade: F-

Ink (2009)

I know this is supposed to be deep and “meaningful” and touching and all, but to me, after watching ‘Lo’ – which I don’t know why I’m invoking except it’s fresh in my mind – it just seems a bit pretentious and overly dramatic.

Actually perhaps that’s why I’m invoking ‘Lo’…because it isn’t pretentious and overly dramatic.

There’s lots of fast-motion effects, like ’28 Days Later’-ish, but they don’t seem to be for any apparent reason…other than to be impressive. OK during fight scenes, not so much during the shaving scene.

There’s a time theme here…I get that.

The girl looks more bored/annoyed than scared…and rightfully so. So am I.

I guess I appreciate the symmetry…but everything: the flashbacks, the SFX, the lighting, the arty shots, (the symmetry), the wonderfully touching meaning/purpose…can’t hide the fact that this is still a fairly dull movie.

The idea is really great…but the script and the actors don’t even come close to fully realizing what the dream of that idea could be.

Grade: D

The Kids In The Hall – Episode 35

Worthy of Note:
gritty childrens’ novelist drama
Faggos
“It’s A Fact” is an improvement over “30 Helens Agree”
Bruce’s suicide journal

For those of you who may noticed the MASSIVE gap between episodes, I have a theory.
The kids spent summer vacation having fun and writing gobs of new material, which they used on their first three season two episodes.  Then they just sort of farted around.

The Kids In The Hall – Episode 24

Worthy of Note:
gun-musicians on patrol
businessman hunting
new, IMPROVED Cabbagehead
No Time To Lose…I mean, You’re Fired.  (Come on…watch both and then tell me this isn’t MPFC Lite)
interesting toe
verytemp job
office quickie
THE PIT OF ULTIMATE DARKNESS!!!
Hounds of Hell
Beasts of Brimstone
Puppies of Purgatory
FABULOUS lesbian softball team managing

Seamlessly much-improved…impressive. I ALMOST want to give it an A.

Grade: B+

The Kids In The Hall – Episode 17

Worthy of Note:
Donald Dane – the future of horror
Leafs game sketch/recurrence
Kevin’s middle
cute doggie!
Kevin outdoing Mark at his own bit
problems of mass murder
Vaudeville drama
clothes for ugly women

Their best yet.  Thompson is good, Foley is good, McDonald is good, McCulloch is barely noticeable, and McKinney is surprisingly competent.

Grade: B+

Series Episodes – An Explanation

You may have noticed that apart from Monty Python’s Flying Circus, I’ve skipped reviewing certain episodes of all the series’ I’ve watched.  This is for two reasons:

1) Monty Python’s Flying Circus is more watchable in its entirety than any other series I’ve ever seen.
and…
2) Skipped episodes denote those not worthy of being reviewed.  Mediocre and redundant at best, horrific and dull at worst.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Jeffrey Ross: No Offense (2008)

With the easy air of a seasoned pro, Jeff rattles off quip after quip, each fantastically polished to a perfect, lustrous sheen while maintaining the “offhand” attitude of someone who “just made ’em up”.  He’s a true pro, really, and his jokes are decent.  But after having watched him REALLY let loose on several roasts, and especially seeing reels of Bill Hicks’ relatively sloppy but infinitely more inspired and FELT act the day before, this blast from the past just seems like a lounge act phony.  No offense, Jeff.  Unlike Hicks, you’re very dependable and relaxing.

Grade: C

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 10)

Ok…so, why is it that, during the winter when it’s REALLY cold (cuz it’s the winter) and you go out on a short errand to pick up a few food items or whatever, and you talk to someone later, and they ask if you “managed to stay warm”, and you say you went out, and they laud you as some sort of conquering hero for your majestic and brave travels to the 7-11…

But during the spring or summer, when it’s really pleasant out, and you DON’T go out, and someone finds out you didn’t go out, they seem to have an incredulous, accusatory tone to their comment?

“You DIDN’T?  WHY?  It’s such BEAUTIFUL weather out…you really HAVE to go out…I mean, it’s too late now, but it was so wonderful…”

The point of that, I suppose, since you already KNOW it was beautiful out, and that it was wonderful, and that the Sun would have shone on your face and birds would have chirped and all that other lovely sh1t…is to basically shame you into NEVER, EVER not going out again on a beautiful day.  You’ve already BLOWN that, and so, for your clearly irrational act of not going out, you clearly deserve to be mocked, ridiculed, and made to feel even worse than you already MUST feel because you missed the WONDERFUL day.

Just saying.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Cult

Electric (1987)

It’s got some riffs.  It’s also INDESCRIBABLY stupid, making Led Zep I and II look like statements by major philosophers.  And Ian Astbury can’t sing as good as Robert Plant.  Or Robert Palmer.  Or Robert DeNiro.

Grade: D

Sonic Temple (1989)

They put all the good sh1t on the first “side” (see vinyl/cassette) and it’s pretty good in a Metallica-goes-Bob-Rock-Pop-Metal sort of way.  The rest is just dull.  And Ian Astbury has redefined stupid as a lead vocalist/lyricist.  At least David St. Hubbins was funny.  Come to think of it, Astbury’s funny too.  But not in QUITE the same way that we would want.  You don’t laugh at the joke he represents, you laugh at the joke he IS.

Grade: C

American: The Bill Hicks Story (2010)

I’ve always liked Bill Hicks. He was funny, and I admired his honesty, courage, and lack of pretension.

But I don’t think he was ever as good a comic as he wanted to be, or as the world wanted him to HAVE been, after he died. I believe that if he hadn’t died of cancer, he would have just faded away slowly.

In death he became a tragic hero. But stories about heroes are usually exaggerated, if based on fact. He was too angry, with the world AND his own life, to be a true “stand-up comic”…he would have made one hell of a Crusader, though.

But not too many of those jobs are open anymore.

Anger is an Energy.

Inspirational Idea: Love

Grade: B

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: B-