Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

1313: Frankenqueen (2012)

From the director who brought you ‘Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama’…

A horror film remarkable for the fact that nothing horrible actually happens.

Well, the first hour is almost-naked men walking around, showering, exercising and lying down with a woman watching them intermittently and taking notes.

At around the hour mark the “plot” begins, then pauses briefly for more showering, then picks up again just in time for the movie to end.

I think I saw some of them drinking Schmitt’s Gay by the pool, too.

Talk about a great time for Shirt-In-A-Can.

I give it a 9.6 on the Das-ometer.

Grade: F-

Great Stuff…

I was just reading an article about Mars “Blueberries”…the article itself was fairly interesting, but what was even more enjoyable was the “intellectual” debate that took place in the comments section after it.  This is where very logical, reasonable, intelligent, well-educated people converse on an adult level.

So…basically one person says something that another disagrees with, and the other person basically says “hogwash” in a very intellectual, snobby way.  Then the first person questions, rather politely, WHY they can so easily dismiss it as “hogwash”. (I’m on the first person’s side in this one). 

Ok, so then the second person responds in a SLIGHTLY less intellectual/snobby and slightly annoyed/mocking sort of way…and it goes ON and ON and ON…descending to Junior High level.

Basically the first person just wanted to discuss the point, but the second person basically said “No, I won, you’re stupid”.  I mean…is this the “advancement” of human interaction?  It was like an argument about Red Sox Vs. Yankees at the end, with one person saying “I win I won’t talk anymore *covering my ears* NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH … by the way, I’m a very reasonable scientist.”.

Just as childish as any other arrogant snob claiming “victory”…they really did, I swear…they said – “I’m not talking anymore, I won”.  Wow.  I thought science was about discovery and friendly interaction for mutual understanding?  I didn’t know it was a pissing contest.

Einstein must be rolling over in his grave at the state of some people that consider themselves “intellectual” today.

Here’s a comparable junior-high level framed-as-“intellectual” spat for comparison, courtesy of the Cheers episode ‘Abnormal Psychology’:

*Frasier* So am I to assume that you just naturally thought that I’d be at this drinking establishment?
*Lilith* Actually, knowing your obsessive-compulsiveness, I checked with your service.  And indeed you’d left them a very complete itinerary of your day.  I trust all went well at the dry cleaners?
*Frasier* Thank you, yes…and, I can assume from your questioning that you’re attempting to make idle conversation rather than articulating some control dysfunction with my personal habits.
*Lilith* That’s correct.

*Norm* Are they “fighting”?

*Lilith* First of all, I think any mention of our past relationship could tarnish the objectivity factor of the show.
*Frasier* You call that a “relationship”?  I mean, we dated one time…the closest we came to physical contact was when you closed the car door on my hand.
*Lilith* Are you repressing?
*Frasier* Oh, forgive me, actually, you’re quite right.  Yes I should be straightforward in telling you that you are passionless, stoic, and emotionally numb.
*Lilith* Apology accepted.
*Frasier* Merci.

*Woody* Yup, I’m pretty sure they’re fightin, he just asked for mercy.

-Puppy

Injustice In Philadelphia

“A Philadelphia judge on Friday granted a condemned man a rare
hearing to weigh whether prosecutors failed to disclose key
evidence indicating the true motive behind a grisly killing
nearly 30 years ago.

The ruling is a major break for Terry Williams, 46, slated to be
the first prisoner in more than 50 years to be executed in
Pennsylvania while still appealing his sentence. Attorneys for
Williams say his life should be spared due to his traumatic and
violent childhood, and the fact that he was sentenced to die for
killing a man who sexually abused him and other teenage boys.

Judge Teresa Sarmina, of the Philadelphia Court of Common Pleas,
did not stay Williams’ execution, which is scheduled for Oct. 3,
but allowed a hearing next Thursday that opens the door to that possibility. His attorneys want Williams’ sentence reduced to
life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Williams was sentenced to die for murdering Amos Norwood, 56, a
chemist and church volunteer, whose body was found stabbed,
bludgeoned and partially burned in a Philadelphia cemetery in
June 1984. Police traced Norwood’s stolen credit card to Williams
and Marc Draper, a childhood friend who pleaded guilty to murder
and implicated Williams in the crime.

His arrest and trial shocked the city. A college freshman, Williams
was the star quarterback of his championship high school football
team, and a popular and academically gifted student.

Prosecutors argued at trial that the murder was a robbery that
went wrong. Williams’ attorneys now say the killing was motivated
by rage Williams felt toward Norwood, who Williams said started
paying him for sex when he was 13.

But jurors never heard Williams’ claims that he and Norwood were
involved sexually, or that Norwood was implicated in the sexual
abuse of underage teenage boys in his church congregation. The
jury also did not hear Williams’ claims that he had been sexually victimized by neighborhood men and older teens from early
childhood through adolescence. Williams was three months past
his 18th birthday — the legal cutoff for execution in the U.S. —
when Norwood was killed.

After his arrest in the Norwood murder, Williams was charged and
convicted of third-degree murder for the savage stabbing death of
another man, later identified as a prolific abuser of teens. The
man’s body was found in room scattered with dozens of Polaroid
photographs of nude teenage boys.

State and federal appellate courts found that Williams’ attorney
in the Norwood case was negligent in not presenting evidence of
abuse at trial, but rejected his appeal anyway, ruling that the
negligence did not materially impact the jury’s verdict.

Mamie Norwood, the victim’s widow, has pleaded for clemency for
Williams, but Philadelphia prosecutors are pushing hard for his
execution, recently filing a 107-page brief opposing defense
motions for a stay.

The approaching execution has touched a nerve in Pennsylvania,
where several high-profile child sex abuse trials this year have
forced widespread soul-searching over the failure by church
leaders and educators to root out and report sexual predators in
their ranks.

“If any state should know what sexual trauma does to somebody,
it’s Pennsylvania,” said Marc Bookman, executive director of the
Atlantic Center for Capital Representation, an anti-death penalty
group. “And this is the person that gets executed?”

In July, a senior priest with the Catholic Church’s Archdiocese
of Philadelphia was sentenced to three to six years in state
prison after being convicted of allowing a priest known to him as
a sexual predator to maintain extensive contact with children. Judge Sarmina, who ordered the new hearing for Williams, oversaw the trial.

In June, Jerry Sandusky, a former assistant coach at Penn State
University, was convicted of 45 counts of child sexual abuse
over 15 years. Testimony at Sandusky’s trial established that top university officials were repeatedly told of the abuse but did not
report it to police.

Next week’s hearing will feature testimony from Draper, who
pleaded guilty to acting as Williams’ accomplice in the murder of
Norwood and is serving a life sentence without the possibility of
parole. Andrea Foulkes, the Philadelphia assistant district attorney who prosecuted Williams and Draper, also was called to testify.

In sworn declarations to Williams’ defense team, Draper described
the events of Norwood’s murder and said that Philadelphia
prosecutors told him not to discuss sexual involvement between
Williams and the older man.

According to his declarations, the night of the killing, Draper
and Williams were hanging out on a street corner when they were
approached by Norwood in his car. Norwood picked up the two
boys and drove to a nearby cemetery. “Norwood was very
comfortable,” Draper wrote.

At the cemetery, Williams and Norwood went off alone,
presumably to have sex, according to Draper. “After some time
passed, Terry came back to the car and told me to come with
him,” Draper wrote. “Terry was acting crazy. He started yelling
stuff and began hitting Norwood with a tire iron.”

“He was yelling ‘so you like boys, so you like boys’ as he hit
Norwood.”

Draper’s statements about Norwood having sex with Williams were
never disclosed to the defense or at trial, according to Williams’ attorneys. “Neither Ms. Foulkes nor the police wanted to hear
anything about the case having to do with Norwood having sex
with Terry,” Draper said in his statement.

Foulkes, who now works as a federal prosecutor, told the
Philadelphia Enquirer Friday that she could not comment
on the case.

Williams’ defense team also wants to present affidavits indicating
that Norwood propositioned and molested teenage boys he
oversaw as a youth leader at a Philadelphia church.

In February, the Rev. Charles Poindexter, 80, pastor at St. Luke’s
Church in Philadelphia for 33 years, provided a signed statement
for Williams’ defense and an investigator, describing his
suspicions that Norwood was abusing teenage boys in the
congregation. Norwood spent an inordinate amount of time with
the teens, lent them money and let them sleep over at his house,
Poindexter said.

In his statement, Poindexter also said that several years before
Norwood’s death, the mother of a 15-year-old boy told him that
Norwood had fondled her son’s genitals while driving him home
from a church event.

“She also told me that Amos had inappropriately touched a number
of other boys at the church,” Poindexter said in the statement.
“The mother and her son eventually left the church.”

Reached by phone at his home in Virginia, Poindexter denied
making any incriminating statements about Norwood to the
defense team. But the signature at the bottom of the defense
affidavit is identical to the one at the bottom of a police statement
Poindexter gave police in 1984, days after Norwood’s murder.”

– John Rudolf, HuffPost Crime

Colin & Brad: Two Man Group (2011)

Advantages over watching a ‘Whose Line’ repeat: Completely new bits, no “hoedown”.

Unfortunately, that’s all.  The new bits aren’t all that exciting, the old bits seem a little stale and aren’t any better than any given episode, and with Brad Sherwood as opposed to Ryan Stiles, it’s just not as funny…Colin and Ryan were the two funniest improvers on the show, and they had a great chemistry.

I just don’t see/feel that with Colin and Brad.  Besides, Brad was never all that funny.

It’s very “pleasant” and inoffensive, but it’s not worth the time for anyone except hardcore ‘Whose Line’ fans that have memorized every episode.

Grade: D+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Final Justice (1999)

It’s sad when the highlight of a once-dismissively-and-easily-proud franchise is a noise made from a Yes song after it’s mentioned after a Yes gag.  With Mike Nelson on board, even cruising, it can’t get completely awful.  But at this point MST is closer to being riff-material than riff-master.

Should this have gone another season?  No. 

Inspirational Quote: “The Ugly, The Ugly, and The Ugly”

Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Rebel Set (1992)

Short: ‘Johnny At The Fair’ – Not as good as ‘A Day At The Fair’, but still good.

Really bad movie that tries to be really serious with really bad actors and a really out-of-place and out-of-his-league wannabe-ringleader.

Really good choice. They don’t waste their chance, either…really good riffing.

Highlights:

The Hole
The Priest Chase
Merritt Stone(?)

Inspirational Quote: “In the hole!”

Grade: A-

9/12/12: I wanna add movies to my A list so bad I can TASTE it… :( Grade: B+

2/15/13: The short pushes it over the edge, and the movie holds up the standard. Grade: A-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Soultaker (1999)

The best thing you can say about this movie: Well-intentioned.

The best thing you can say about the guest appearances of TV’s Frank and Joel Hodgson: Well-intentioned.

Missing two of its best writers and without Hodgson’s host segments, MST more often than not turns into this: a display of mediocrity, with Mike Nelson either bored or unable to carry so much of the load.

Inspirational Quote: “You know, I’d rather follow the story of the nuns getting home”

Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Night Of The Blood Beast (1996)

The departure of Frank Conniff, replaced very inadequately by Mary Jo Pehl, is the first major loss in the writing department.  I prefered Hodgson over Nelson (slightly), but Joel never did much writing except for the host segments.  TV’s Frank did…and Mary Jo is a big downgrade as both an actor and a writer.

So the riffing is more inconsistent than usual, and the host segments aren’t as good.

Inspirational Quote: “Wish in one hand and cr@p in the other and see which piles up first!”

Grade: D

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Week One)

Are football fans really a “target” audience for the really bad “Hawaii Five-0” remake?

And if so…why?

And isn’t it kinda sad when they have to do those cool “action” pan-ins on “striking” poses?

And what’s the deal with Lucy Liu-less? <=== that’s a talent joke, not a racial joke.

– Puppy >.< Yip!

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus (1993)

My radio station is “Music to wag your tail to”.

This is movie to fall asleep to.

It’s just so well-intentioned that Mike and the bots just don’t seem to have the heart to really tear into it, and let’s face it…that’s what they do.  The host segments are below par, too.  Still, there’s a good line now and again…and if you’re having trouble sleeping, this may help.

Grade: D-

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Secret Agent Super Dragon (1993)

For die-hard Bond fans and for those who absolutely hate Bond movies, you might want to watch this.  It’s really, really bad…it tries to be Bond-ian(?) but it’s just really, really dull and stupid and incoherent.  The host segments are good (as usual), the riffing is best in the middle, and if you’re expecting “action”, you’ll either be amazed, amused, or extremely disappointed.

Grade: C+

Excerpts from Das But’s twitter page – Photo taken LIVE in his mom’s basement

“New stuff being put out on dasbut.com. Baby rape drawings.” – Das But

Wow…you are one sick fck.  And STILL you’re dull.

“how do I make people “follow” me on this thing? Can everybody in the free world see this?” – Das But

By being interesting.
Yes, which is probably why it’s a bad idea to promote child rape, Das.

Payback (1999)

Hmmm…not exactly ‘Braveheart’ this time.  More like ‘PettyThiefScumbag-Heart’

I mean, are we supposed to root for this guy?  He’s as unlikeable as Gibson himself after his anti-Jewish/anti-female comments.

I actually found myself rooting for the “bad guys” to win.  I mean, just on sheer “PRINCIPLE”, you know.  Apparently, Porter’s idea of romance is to beat the woman you “love” savagely until she “realizes” what’s “good for her”.  What a maggot.

I guess the problems of a wife-beating scumbag and the prostitute he used to pimp out don’t amount to a hill of beans in this cockamamie world…

1:24:00 – YAY!!!  Errrr…is that wrong?

WAIT A MOMENT…this movie was different the first time I saw it.  It had Kris Kristofferson and they beat the heck out of Porter.  It was watchable then, cuz Kristofferson was the highlight.  Now the ending is just plain non-existent.  But at least it ends.  I mean, D@MN…

Inspirational Quote: “Man, that’s just MEAN”

Grade: D- (Before the Director’s (horrible) Cut): C-

Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)

For those of you who can’t get enough Eddie Murphy, here’s some more.

Axel is still smarter than everyone else, Taggart is still grumpy, the head cop is still a dumb jerk.

But Rosewood…Rosewood has transformed from pleasant, naive greenhorn into a Rambo-inspired walking arsenal.  A very pleasant, borderline-disturbed walking arsenal.

It’s aged a bit better than the original, but neither of these were ever anything to really care about either way.  You don’t love it, you don’t hate it, you just watch it and then immediately forget it.

Sort of like Murphy’s film career.

Grade: B-

Vampires (1998)

‘John Carpenter’s – Latest Bad Movie’.

It’s just so dull and stupid that I wasn’t sure what to write about it, other than it being really dull and stupid.  So I was SO thankful when I found this little gem and saved myself the 30-40 seconds it would take to think of a usable description-

“ridiculous without being awful enough to be hilarious.” – Lawrence Van Gelder, The New York Times

No relation to Van Helsing or Van Gelder, Simon.

Grade: D-

And Now For Something Completely Different (1971)

Like the boys brigade, USELESS.

‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus – The Greatest Hits’???

What a load of garbage.  I mean, I understand they wanted to introduce themselves to the United States…but this just cuts out seemingly arbitrary pieces of their episodes and pastes them together while lamely attempting to “Americanize” the references.  I thought they were AGAINST conformity?  Well, here’s conformity…sanitized, commercialized, badly American-ized for the masses.

‘Flying Circus’ was what five guys thought was funny (plus an insanely inspired animator).

This is apparently what five guys thought would make them some money.

Grade: F

Idle Hands (1999)

Here’s something worthy of nose…
Intro: well, at least he/she/it was telling the truth in the end.

11:18- A young Frank Black?

In horribly bad taste, of course…but like ‘The Return of the Living Dead’, the complete lack of pretentiousness and the self-mockery make it kinda fun, as “horror” movies go.  But, UNlike ‘Return’, unfortunately, it gets comparatively dull in the second half.

One of the very rare cases where self-bondage prevents murder and allows sex with Jessica Alba.

Fav character- Crusading Druid Priestess in a van on Druid time

Inspirational Quote: “My work here is done.  Time for the ritualistic sex.”

Grade: C+

7/7/18: Do I overrate because I feel better or do I underrate because I feel worse? I don’t know. Grade: D+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Monster A Go-Go (1993)

The featured short, ‘Circus On Ice’, is unfortunately fairly
accurate in foreshadowing the feature itself: It’s incredibly
dull, but not in that horribly cheezy or horribly just-plain-wrong
or horribly WRETCHED way that lends itself to riffing…so they
throw a bunch of ok jokes at it, generate a few laughs, but don’t
turn the experience into anything particularly worthwhile.

Then the movie starts.

Grade: D+

Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

Kids, this is “Eddie Murphy”.  He was kinda funny back in the 80’s.

I hereby apologize to Chris Tucker for saying he’s no Eddie Murphy (see ‘Rush Hour’).  With the benefit of hindsight I realize that Tucker is better in ‘Rush Hour’ than Murphy is in this, or pretty much anything else I’ve ever seen him in.  And I’ve seen him in a lot.

I believe that a significant portion of my belief that this was a great movie (since dispelled) came from the fact that I saw it in grade school and compared to ‘Family Ties’ it was a work of comedic brilliance…and really COOL!

Moments of note:
Everything except “Axel F” sounding dated and stupid
Basil-rogue-cop-exposition/Basil-Hills-Cop-exposition
Murphy’s foreshadowing of his brilliant performance in ‘Shrek’
Robocop-exec-as-goodguy
Rosewood the naive effeminate heterosexual

Grade: C+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Warrior Of The Lost World (1993)

Fairly typical, slightly above-average Joel-era MST3K movie/episode:

– really bad movie
– riffing that ranges from mediocre to (usually) pretty good to (occasionally) brilliant
– inability to capture your attention for the duration…you’ll laugh, you’ll moan, you’ll fall asleep
– evidence that it was easier to rip into the Shorts because they were funnier, easier prey, and (being short) they didn’t force the writers to over-extend themselves for too long a duration at a time.

Grade: B-

X-Men (2000)

It’s a superhero soap opera.

Does so-and-so REALLY like so-and-so?  Does so-and-so REALLY have a crush on so-and-so?  And what about so-and-so’s dark secret???

So it’s all very obvious, like a soap opera always is, but it’s fairly entertaining if you can get past the shallowness of almost all the characters and just enjoy it as a sci-fi-ish action/adventure flick.

Grade: B-

Colin Quinn: Long Story Short (2011)

No…this long story is long.

I kept waiting for it to either end or get better. It ended.

Quinn wasn’t even talented enough to replace Norm MacDonald’s indifferent occasional brilliance on SNL, let alone summarize the history of humanity in an hour and a half. I’ve seen him be funny, but this is just dull.

Grade: D

Puppy Presents – Good Songs By Otherwise Useless Artists (As They Come To Me)

ABBA – “Dancing Queen” (I CAN’T HELP IT!!!)
Angie Aparo – “Spaceship”
Bananarama – “Cruel Summer”
Ben Folds Five – “Brick”
Berlin – “The Metro”
Big Country – “In A Big Country”
The Buggles – “Video Killed The Radio Star”
The Charlatans – “The Only One I Know” (Great “Hush” ripoff)
Chris Isaak – “Wicked Game”
Misery Signals – “Worlds & Dreams”
Michael Penn – “No Myth”
T. Rex – “Jeepster”
Bob Welch – “Ebony Eyes”

Last Updated/R.I.P. – 3/31/25

Ministry – A Clarification

I’ve been informed that I am the subject of tepid (it makes sense…see ‘Analysis of “Goths – Analysis Of A Subculture (By Puppy)”‘) ridicule for classifying Ministry as “industrial”.  Apparently, Ministry is far too poppy and tuneful and has actual song structures as opposed to hyper-repeating discordant noise.

Guest Response: “Like the good orthodox category-haters you’d figure, these perverts claim they’re not industrial, which is true only in the sense that Led Zeppelin wasn’t metal: they may be too good for the category, but that doesn’t mean they’re not of it. And like Led Zep, they’re cold bastards who are worth your time even if you think you don’t like what they do, which is toning up your cardiovascular system by running you over with a tank.” – Robert Christgau, ‘Ministry – Psalm 69’

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Boy And His Dog (1975)

Harlan Ellison NO! It’s ‘Horny Max – Beyond SpermDome’

Non-fans of Don Johnson may want to take a quick peek at this.  I believe it wasn’t actually INTENDED to be pure camp…

“A young man roaming a postapocalyptic wasteland ends up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society — which wants his sperm.” – Netflix Streaming Description

Wow…sounds like a dream I had once.

Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get back in the dirt so I feel clean!”

Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

Dragonlance: Dragons Of Autumn Twilight (2008)

What an amazingly bad animated film/crushing blow to the wistful memories of a young lad reading the not-anywhere-near-as-embarrassing (quite good, actually) book of the same name.

If you’re a fan of the series (that is to say, ‘Chronicles’ and ‘Legends’, not the bloated franchise which followed) like I am, rest assured, from one fan to another- this is NOT a case of people just “not getting it” when you hear that this sucks.  It sucks.  It’s embarrassing/laughable to watch.

Highlight: Tika’s animated butt

Grade: F

Life Is Beautiful (1998)

I don’t get it.

It’s as funny as ‘Hogan’s Heroes’ or a really bad Stooges short.

It’s a mediocre slapstick farce set against the backdrop of The Holocaust.

It’s unfunny, it’s dull, it’s a trivialization.

I believe in the power of positive thinking…but to think that “positive thinking” can in any way, shape or form turn a Concentration Camp into a fun little game is absurdism.

Grade: D

5/3/14: My comments are accurate, but I needed to make the grade more precise.  Grade: D-

Food, Inc. (2009)

Extremely informative, and well made.

However it’s not the most EXCITING subject in the world…so I’d recommend, if you want to get all the information without having to watch the movie, just going to the website…

www.takepart.com/foodinc

Information is power, after all.  But sometimes it doesn’t make all that interesting a movie.

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

White Gold Wielder (1983)

Prior to and after reading this book, I read several other books by Stephen R. Donaldson.  The ones that I read AFTER this, I read because I hoped he could recapture what he finally achieved here.  The ones I read PRIOR TO this, I read because while they were a bit pedestrian, unnecessarily (and uninterestingly) convoluted and just plain mediocre, there was SOMETHING there, or so I thought…every once in a while, Donaldson would evoke an image or stir an emotion that made me STOP wanting to put it down.  Then it’d go away, and I’d wait patiently for the next time…which meant long periods of drudgery rewarded only sporadically.  Still, it was enough to keep me reading the entirety of ‘The Wounded Land’ and ‘The One Tree’, neither of which are worth re-reading…the brief summary at the beginning of this book is quite enough to get you “caught up”.

So I don’t know if I was more astonished or vindicated when this book started off better than either of the previous two, climbed incrementally until around the middle, and then climbed exponentially near the end.  It’s a one-hit wonder…it’s pretty good in the first half and brilliant after that.  And I have absolutely no idea where it came from.  It was as if, just briefly, he was fully possessed by fervent inspiration, driving home emotions (some rewarding, some painful) with irresistible force that changed my attitude from “almost wanting to put it down” to literally being equal parts awed and terrified by the immense power of his writing; not wanting it to end because it was so amazing, not wanting to READ the end because it could be so potentially gut-wrenching, wondering WHY I suddenly cared SO MUCH about the two main characters.  It still puzzles me today…and I still can’t think of portions of it without feeling actual physical pain/sadness.

Usually I enjoy re-reading books that I like.  In very rare cases, I prefer not to, because they affect me so greatly (in some way) that it takes me a while to literally get over the feelings they induce.

I don’t think I’ll ever read anything by Stephen Donaldson ever again, “re” or otherwise, but this is the only one that places in that category for reasons of “Self-Preservation”, and not boredom.

Inspirational Quote: “Nom”

Grade: A-