Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Monster A Go-Go (1993)

The featured short, ‘Circus On Ice’, is unfortunately fairly
accurate in foreshadowing the feature itself: It’s incredibly
dull, but not in that horribly cheezy or horribly just-plain-wrong
or horribly WRETCHED way that lends itself to riffing…so they
throw a bunch of ok jokes at it, generate a few laughs, but don’t
turn the experience into anything particularly worthwhile.

Then the movie starts.

Grade: D+

Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

Kids, this is “Eddie Murphy”.  He was kinda funny back in the 80’s.

I hereby apologize to Chris Tucker for saying he’s no Eddie Murphy (see ‘Rush Hour’).  With the benefit of hindsight I realize that Tucker is better in ‘Rush Hour’ than Murphy is in this, or pretty much anything else I’ve ever seen him in.  And I’ve seen him in a lot.

I believe that a significant portion of my belief that this was a great movie (since dispelled) came from the fact that I saw it in grade school and compared to ‘Family Ties’ it was a work of comedic brilliance…and really COOL!

Moments of note:
Everything except “Axel F” sounding dated and stupid
Basil-rogue-cop-exposition/Basil-Hills-Cop-exposition
Murphy’s foreshadowing of his brilliant performance in ‘Shrek’
Robocop-exec-as-goodguy
Rosewood the naive effeminate heterosexual

Grade: C+

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Warrior Of The Lost World (1993)

Fairly typical, slightly above-average Joel-era MST3K movie/episode:

– really bad movie
– riffing that ranges from mediocre to (usually) pretty good to (occasionally) brilliant
– inability to capture your attention for the duration…you’ll laugh, you’ll moan, you’ll fall asleep
– evidence that it was easier to rip into the Shorts because they were funnier, easier prey, and (being short) they didn’t force the writers to over-extend themselves for too long a duration at a time.

Grade: B-

X-Men (2000)

It’s a superhero soap opera.

Does so-and-so REALLY like so-and-so?  Does so-and-so REALLY have a crush on so-and-so?  And what about so-and-so’s dark secret???

So it’s all very obvious, like a soap opera always is, but it’s fairly entertaining if you can get past the shallowness of almost all the characters and just enjoy it as a sci-fi-ish action/adventure flick.

Grade: B-

Colin Quinn: Long Story Short (2011)

No…this long story is long.

I kept waiting for it to either end or get better. It ended.

Quinn wasn’t even talented enough to replace Norm MacDonald’s indifferent occasional brilliance on SNL, let alone summarize the history of humanity in an hour and a half. I’ve seen him be funny, but this is just dull.

Grade: D

Puppy Presents – Good Songs By Otherwise Useless Artists(As They Come To Me)

Bananarama – “Cruel Summer”
Misery Signals – “Worlds & Dreams” (NOT unlistenable horsesh1t, for once)
Michael Penn – “No Myth”
The Breeders – “Cannonball” (Festering in Black Francis’ memory)
The Primitives – “Crash”
Bob Welch – “Ebony Eyes”
The Charlatans – “The Only One I Know” (The hit “Hush” never should have been)
Cracker – “Low”
ABBA – “Dancing Queen” (I CAN’T HELP IT!!!)
Angie Aparo – “Spaceship”
Ben Folds Five – “Brick”
Berlin – “The Metro”
Big Country – “In A Big Country” (A Flock Of Royal Canadian Mounted Geese)
T. Rex – “Jeepster” (“Get It On (Bang A Gong)” sucks)

Last Updated: 12/22/13

Ministry – A Clarification

I’ve been informed that I am the subject of tepid (it makes sense…see ‘Analysis of “Goths – Analysis Of A Subculture (By Puppy)”‘) ridicule for classifying Ministry as “industrial”.  Apparently, Ministry is far too poppy and tuneful and has actual song structures as opposed to hyper-repeating discordant noise.

Guest Response: “Like the good orthodox category-haters you’d figure, these perverts claim they’re not industrial, which is true only in the sense that Led Zeppelin wasn’t metal: they may be too good for the category, but that doesn’t mean they’re not of it. And like Led Zep, they’re cold bastards who are worth your time even if you think you don’t like what they do, which is toning up your cardiovascular system by running you over with a tank.” – Robert Christgau, ‘Ministry – Psalm 69’

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Boy And His Dog (1975)

Harlan Ellison NO! It’s ‘Horny Max – Beyond SpermDome’

Non-fans of Don Johnson may want to take a quick peek at this.  I believe it wasn’t actually INTENDED to be pure camp…

“A young man roaming a postapocalyptic wasteland ends up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society — which wants his sperm.” – Netflix Streaming Description

Wow…sounds like a dream I had once.

Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get back in the dirt so I feel clean!”

Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

Dragonlance: Dragons Of Autumn Twilight (2008)

What an amazingly bad animated film/crushing blow to the wistful memories of a young lad reading the not-anywhere-near-as-embarrassing (quite good, actually) book of the same name.

If you’re a fan of the series (that is to say, ‘Chronicles’ and ‘Legends’, not the bloated franchise which followed) like I am, rest assured, from one fan to another- this is NOT a case of people just “not getting it” when you hear that this sucks.  It sucks.  It’s embarrassing/laughable to watch.

Highlight: Tika’s animated butt

Grade: F

Life Is Beautiful (1998)

I don’t get it.

It’s as funny as ‘Hogan’s Heroes’ or a really bad Stooges short.

It’s a mediocre slapstick farce set against the backdrop of The Holocaust.

It’s unfunny, it’s dull, it’s a trivialization.

I believe in the power of positive thinking…but to think that “positive thinking” can in any way, shape or form turn a Concentration Camp into a fun little game is absurdism.

Grade: D

5/3/14: My comments are accurate, but I needed to make the grade more precise.  Grade: D-

Food, Inc. (2009)

Extremely informative, and well made.

However it’s not the most EXCITING subject in the world…so I’d recommend, if you want to get all the information without having to watch the movie, just going to the website…

www.takepart.com/foodinc

Information is power, after all.  But sometimes it doesn’t make all that interesting a movie.

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

White Gold Wielder (1983)

Prior to and after reading this book, I read several other books by Stephen R. Donaldson.  The ones that I read AFTER this, I read because I hoped he could recapture what he finally achieved here.  The ones I read PRIOR TO this, I read because while they were a bit pedestrian, unnecessarily (and uninterestingly) convoluted and just plain mediocre, there was SOMETHING there, or so I thought…every once in a while, Donaldson would evoke an image or stir an emotion that made me STOP wanting to put it down.  Then it’d go away, and I’d wait patiently for the next time…which meant long periods of drudgery rewarded only sporadically.  Still, it was enough to keep me reading the entirety of ‘The Wounded Land’ and ‘The One Tree’, neither of which are worth re-reading…the brief summary at the beginning of this book is quite enough to get you “caught up”.

So I don’t know if I was more astonished or vindicated when this book started off better than either of the previous two, climbed incrementally until around the middle, and then climbed exponentially near the end.  It’s a one-hit wonder…it’s pretty good in the first half and brilliant after that.  And I have absolutely no idea where it came from.  It was as if, just briefly, he was fully possessed by fervent inspiration, driving home emotions (some rewarding, some painful) with irresistible force that changed my attitude from “almost wanting to put it down” to literally being equal parts awed and terrified by the immense power of his writing; not wanting it to end because it was so amazing, not wanting to READ the end because it could be so potentially gut-wrenching, wondering WHY I suddenly cared SO MUCH about the two main characters.  It still puzzles me today…and I still can’t think of portions of it without feeling actual physical pain/sadness.

Usually I enjoy re-reading books that I like.  In very rare cases, I prefer not to, because they affect me so greatly (in some way) that it takes me a while to literally get over the feelings they induce.

I don’t think I’ll ever read anything by Stephen Donaldson ever again, “re” or otherwise, but this is the only one that places in that category for reasons of “Self-Preservation”, and not boredom.

Inspirational Quote: “Nom”

Grade: A-

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992)

Oh my golly will you look at that.  Clive has made a movie that’s ALMOST as good as ‘Lord of Illusions’.  Let’s do the math…from 87 to 92 to achieve a tiny step up, from 92 to 95 to achieve another.  Perhaps, if I look really hard, I can find something he’s made recently that is a worthy candidate to stand alongside ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’.

The lone positive you can take out of the club massacre scene is that, being a goth-y club, at least 10 percent of the people probably didn’t mind it all that much.

Grade: D-

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Fans will insist that I just don’t get it, but I do.  It just sucks. 

If you’ve noticed, the longer reviews tend to be for movies that made me think a lot.  ‘Natural Born Killers’, for example, even though I didn’t like it.

There’s no thinking involved here.  It’s Wanna-Be-Stephen-King’s little slice of Hell, part deux.

Grade: F

Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)

This movie is as different from the first as the title suggests.

It’s got a lot of funny/interesting gags, but they were funnier and more interesting the first time.

Since this is otherwise basically a carbon copy of the original, there’s absolutely nothing “new” here…you might laugh at the jokes, but they won’t surprise you.  Why?  Because they’re the same kind of jokes as in the first one, only not quite as good and (obviously) not quite as fresh.

At least ‘The Naked Gun’ plopped funny/interesting meaninglessness into a new setting.

But I still like it…not as much as the first, but it’s not nearly as abysmal as some people would lead you to believe.  ‘Airplane!’ wasn’t exactly a work of cinematic art, so let’s not get too down when the sequel is a (slightly-less) pleasant bit of fluff.

Grade: B

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

I Am Puppy Hear Me Degrade – Godsmack, “Voodoo”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SSUQxGjZZ4

0:04- Then please get there.
0:09- What if the snake wasn’t poisonous? Suggested re-lyric that would be hilariously out of rhythm with the first line: “When I feel the poison from the snakebite of the snake that just bit me assuming it was of the poisonous variety found in this particular region enter my vay-ee-ayns…”
0:15- Man…I gotta get back to Medieval Manor(tm Medieval Manor, all rights them).
0:17- Because you got really excited in a sexual fashion.
0:18- COWBELL! Oh…no.  Well, close enough…I got a FEE-vah…and the only pre-SCRIP-tion…is more TRIANGLE.
0:26- Look at that horrific natural disaster…and the fire and burnt field, too.
0:32- “One Day…it will Guard your Life…” or, if you prefer…”Hey, it’s “Meh”dusa”.
0:44- Nice crotch shot.
0:52- Nice Eddie-Vedder-from-“Hunger Strike”-impression…also, maybe the huge FIRE behind you will stop you from freezing.
0:59- Don’t forget to breathe out.
1:03- I thought you didn’t wanna be here in the first place?
1:08- HAHA or Hey!  Blue Man Group!
1:13- See “0:09”
1:15- The sinister “Finger-wag” of doom.  McKayla is not impressed.
1:19- This is the movie that was rejected as being too childish as opposed to ‘Pathogen’.
1:24- That’s a big one.  How long is it?
1:26- HAIKIBA!
1:27- The Dozen-Or-So Whores Men of the Ughpocalisp.
1:34- They don’t seem to be helping with the fire.
1:37- Well, YEAH.
1:51- Severe over-acting.  Perhaps Graham Chapman can do something for him.
1:59- AGAIN?
2:07- Hide-and-Reek
2:17- Too easy.  Repetition.  The key to comedy.
2:33- The key.
2:40- The sensuous wannabe-pagan ritual begins…
2:47-3:09- While we’ve got some free time, have you ever considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopedias?  They can really do you wonders.
3:25- to come
3:35- I’m outta here, you dumba$$…
3:41- dy.
3:56- The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Naked-Jogger.

And I LIKE this song.

Godsmack/Puppy >.< Yip!

The Cable Guy (1996)

really…interesting.

Really.

But oh my golly is it DARK.  There’s no way you can call this a comedy…it’s more of a horror movie without the violence and with lots of stomach-churningly uncomfortable scenes.  And a few laughs.

Kudos to Jim Carrey for not putting out another ‘Ace Ventura’ clone.  THAT would have been a hit.  THIS was not.  But you’ve gotta admire the attempt at branching out.  Well, you don’t have to…but I do.

The problem is there is no real category for this…no fans of any particular genre will be really satisfied with it.  It’s a very interesting, weird, flawed enigma.

Grade: B-

The Butt Of My Jokes

“Das But is a spoken word guy who trys to be offensive with vuglar
“pieces” about incest, rape and every possible offensive topic. Lots
of cursing. It’s not very good. He still can’t do a routine without
reading from his notebook. It’s good his background music was turned up too loud. Between them and the freezing cold I was miserable.” – Jeffrey Howard

“I don’t know about tattoos. I don’t like them, seem kinda gay” – Das But

A Derogatorial – By Puppy

Some random freak recently used the words “gay” and “fag” at least half a dozen times to describe me, my friends, tattoos, and pretty much anything else he could think of.

Now, the amateur psychologist in me has a theory about this. (And it’s mine).

When someone attempts to make fun of someone, generally they’ll pick a subject they believe is the most “sensitive” to that person.  I’ve learned this through years and years of being bullied.  (Bullies also tend to be cowards when confronted with ANY resistance whatsoever, but that’s another topic).

Since he couldn’t come up with anything except “gay”, which I admit I used to use in a derogatorial (His word, not mine…Das, if you critique another person’s grammar, you really shouldn’t make up words.  I’m disgustipated) sense when I was…oh, I don’t know…11 or 12, the conclusion is two-fold.

Number one, he’s not particularly intelligent and/or imaginative.  Watching his EXCITING youtube videos is solid empirical evidence of this. (I meant that in a sarcasticatical sense).

Number two, as we all know, those that make frequent derogatorialishistic comments concerning homosexuals/homosexuality are often doing so as a sort of macho preventative measure of being “labeled” the same. (Or they’re wondering what exactly nucular weapons are, but that’s another topic).

Now, why would one be so afraid to be labeled homosexual? 

Perhaps, as in a lot of cases, said individual has certain…feelings (nudge nudge) inside that he can’t quite understand/come to terms with/accept/derogatorialize.  In plain terms, he has certain…urges, towards other men (wink wink), that he is perhaps afraid of and doesn’t want people to suspect, so he covers them by being around women as MUCH as possible (Cuz everyone knows homosexuals never hang around women, or have sex with them, or get married and have children) and by using the word “gay” in a DEROGATORY (Das, see?) sense.  It’s ok, Das…you can stop. (Andy Dick called…he wants you to tone it down a little).

P.S. – People that think they’re so harda$$ and do really fcked up sh1t and everyone thinks they’re “bravely anarchistic/individualistic” sometimes are…but in some cases, it’s all BS hiding a cowardly nature.  I mean…put that freak in jail and he’d stop making jokes.  He’d stop holding his bladder/bowel movements.  And I’m sure someone would be glad to oblige him in exploring his sublimated desires. (SAY NO MORE!)

Das But = Das (Sad) Punk

Also, one last thing…I think from now on, whenever someone gets completely torn to shreds (metaphorically speaking) and is asked what happened, they should say, regarding how they feel about having their smug little nose (where applicable) rubbed in it – “I got Dassed, man”.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Just To Be Clear

If you fall into any of the following categories, please stop coming to my website, listening to my station, attempting to communicate with me in any way, etc…

– Goth Scumbags (As opposed to real Goths, see ‘Analysis of “Goths – Analysis of a Subculture (By Puppy)”‘ for the distinction)
– Anarchists (EXTREME ones…Far-Left/Liberal types are QUITE welcome)
– Fascists (Ultra-Far-Right Rush Limbaugh types subcategory included)
– Neo-Nazis
– Racists (of ANY kind)
– Supremacists (of ANY kind)
– Anti-Semites
– Sexists (male or female)
– Homophobes
– Sadists (Unless you have a WILLING Masochist involved…that is, those that enjoy inflicting pain of any sort on random people just for amusement when said people don’t want/deserve to be hurt)
– Antitheists (Crusading Pissed-Off Atheists)
– Militant Vegans (If you think drinking milk is the same as rape, this means you)
– Bullies
– Liars
– Pieces of human garbage that don’t fit into any of the above categories

Thank you.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Sorry honeybuns, one more thing…

Dasi baby, WHY in the name of all…NORMAL people…hold sacred would you paint a picture of a woman saying “I’ve been raped!” and then have a bunch of men to the right of her, pointing at her and laughing?  I mean…maybe the VF parasites are cool with that, but…they’re parasites, just like you.

I would re-post it here, but I have SOME semblance of decency. 

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Cheers – Episode 119 (Cheers: The Motion Picture)

Highs:
‘Manchild in Beantown’
random french
Cinemapuss
the on button
puppy!
Judy…
depression seminar
too derivative of Godard
Woody’s shirt size
Norm’s recovery
the thresher
Al

Lows:
Diane film Exposition
film continuity error
the gift sequence

Grade: B (The last ‘Cheers’ episode worth watching)

It’s been a while…

From: “Das But”, Boston, Massachusetts, 32(According to his FB page, at least).

How does he know me?  Dunno…only friend we had in common was Sandy McCahill.

Message as follows, cleaned up to allow younger viewers:

“whats up dude!”

Who the heck are you?

“Saw the tat on your page. wicked cool bro! so do you get
tats and sh1t? i never had one before does it hurt? whats the tat mean?
old english script is hard to read…looks like it says fuzzy
i love fuzzy sh1t.”

Ahhhhh…sarcasm.
No, no sh1t…just tats.
No, actually once they remove the needle and you allow it to heal it’s remarkably non-painful.
Actually it’s “difficult” to read.  There’s no degree of hardness involved.  But it is 20,000 Leagues difficult.
Actually it says “Puppy”.  Which, I’m fairly sure, means “Puppy”.

“youre a f#cking loser”

Such hostility…das ist bad, ya?

“tattoos are for fags.”

That sounds very homophobic, Mr. Das But from Brooklyn now residing in Boston.

“you think a tattoo hurts?”

No, I think, my brain hurts.  Also, every time a bell rings, an angel gets wings.

“try shoving a f#cking
heroin needle filled to the brimb with oxycontin after a cold water
filtration method up your d1ck hole. worth the money and half the price
of getting a tat and making yourself look like a f#cking loser forever.
biggest sign that a man is a loser: tatoo, smokes, makes up companies
that don’t exist so that he looks cool on facebook for his gay f#cking
wastoid loser friends\”

Come on, no fair…you stole that from Shakespeare.

“watertown must be full of fags.”

Lots of small pieces of wood, perhaps…OH…you mean homosexuals.  I’m not hip to the homophobe lingo, my bad.

“you walk
around my street in brooklyn”

So you’re threatening that SOMEONE ELSE will do something if I go SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY…wow…that’s a real brave stance, Das.  I mean, you live in Boston now…why don’t you say something like “You walk around my street in Boston…”?  Because you’re a…let’s go to Wikisaurus here…
‘coward, chicken, yellow belly, gutless wonder, softie, wimp, weakling, wuss’

“with them gay tatoos and a facebook full
of friends,,, “

Again, very homophobic, Mr. But.

“boy howdy”

boy howdy oh boy yeah yowzah yes sir whatamado oh ho 23 skidoo.

“youre just asking fior a kick through your
heroin infested d1ckhole. i bet youre fat”

No, Mr. But, you’re the one that just implied you use heroin needles.  Which is ummm…illegal.

Das thing…I think I love you. *kiss kiss*  You got me down, man…I wanna have wild gay sex with you.
“Ok, I wanna be like, the gimp, ok…now, you have to remember, that my character…that I, that I like, that I’m kept in a TRUNK, alright, in the basement of your HOUSE, ok, and you use me for deviant HARDcore gay SEX, ok…”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

8/21/12: Das But 2: ‘Ich spreche nicht sehr gut Deutsch‘

“Lame response. Gay response.”

I’m sensing you don’t like gay people.  Also, since you think tattoos are for “fags”, you by default don’t like anyone with a tattoo.  I mean…I really don’t care, but you probably don’t wanna go around broadcasting that to the entire world.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

8/23/12: Oh yeah, he doesn’t like black people either.  Check out “Die For Satan” by Das_But on youtube, if you want dull racist nastiness.  Hey Das, you ever actually DO any of this fcked-up sh1t you’re going ON and ON and ON and ON and ON about in your little rants?  No?  Course not, you’re a fcken wannabe.  But I admit, you’re pretty fly(for a white guy).  Now THAT is a good video…dude in that looks kinda like you.  You talk a lot of hype about suicide, but you don’t have the fcken balls to do it.  Too bad.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

9/7/12: Hmmm…still hasn’t done the suicide thing.  Oh well…always knew he was a fake.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Terminator (1984)

Has NOT aged well.

And I don’t just mean the special effects…I mean the “dramatic”, “emotional”, and “sensitive” scenes.  And it’s not because it’s from the 80’s…so are ‘Lethal Weapon’ and ‘RoboCop’, and both of those have aged incredibly better than this.

The only good thing about this is the action, really…which is very good, and there’s a lot of it.  But at this point this movie has descended almost entirely into the “cheezy nostalgia” category.  Particularly sad- the hair, the music, the dancing.

Also, it’s difficult to generate sufficient enthusiasm for the purpose of cheering on the continued existence of the early/mid-80’s.

Inspirational Quote: “Sweat, bad breath…everything”

Grade: D+