Author: Puppy

Semper Puppy

Comedy Central Roast: William Shatner (2006)

Funny: Lisa Lampanelli, Patton Oswalt, Jeff Ross, Greg Giraldo
Surprisingly Funny: William Shatner, George Takei
Not Funny: Jason Alexander, Farrah Fawcett, Artie Lange, Nichelle Nichols, Betty White
Cut But Who Cares: Fred Willard
Wasted: Farrah Fawcett
Freaky: Andy Dick
Funniest: Clips of Shatner “acting”/”singing”

Grade: B (The clips are moments of sheer comic genius)

The Captains (2011)

It flows gently along just like the jazz cocktail music it uses for its score.  If you don’t fall asleep to it, you might be occasionally entertained, but it’s more about Shatner and the travails of being an actor, as well as about acting and theater in general, than it is about Star Trek.

When Shatner attempts to put himself in the same company as Patrick Stewart, a classically trained Shakespearean actor, it should be funny…but it’s not, really.  That’s Shatner…he’s always thought of himself (Whether as Captain Kirk or as himself) as a lot more than he really is, and that’s part of his charm, I suppose.  At least he’s sincere in his self-absorption, there’s no false modesty here.

As a fan of the original series and certain of its offshoots(but not certain others), I think the attempt to chronicle the “Captain” experience is an abysmal failure…it’s more a blanket commentary on the stresses of being a full-time performer.  So it’s certainly not a must-watch for Trekkies, and because it’s not all that great as a documentary, it’s not a must-watch for anyone else.  What is it? 

It’s relaxing…very, very relaxing.  Ahhhhh….bop de doo be doo wop…

Grade: D

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

Nightmares In Red, White And Blue (2009)

Lots of EXTREMELY-over analysis of analysis-unworthy “horror” flicks with intermittent flashes of Kubrick and Romero.  And if you want Kubrick and Romero, watch them.  Not this.

It’s not going to convince non-fans to watch horror films, it’s not going to make intelligent horror fans believe Roger Corman films/Friday the 13th/other schlock doesn’t suck, and it’s not even well-made enough to convince really STUPID horror fans of anything. 

I mean, come on…yes, there are horror films that have “messages”, but there are a lot that are made cuz the director wants to make money and knows that people are stupid enough to watch sh1t that can be created with very little effort.  Every movie shown here is “analyzed” by “experts” and given a deep meaning…most of those meanings are probably gonna be news to the directors.

The 2009 American Cr@p Horror Film Party version of ‘Triumph Of The Will’.

Advice to pretentious roundhead goatee/glasses guy- “Why don’t you get a toupee with some brains in it?” – Moe Howard

Grade: F

WarGames (1983)

It’s actually very difficult to review this, because almost everything about it (the state of computers, the state of the world, the state of “video arcades”, the state of your average high school student, the state of Dabney Coleman) is pretty much archaic and obsolete.  The first time I saw it, I thought it was amazing, scary, and brilliant.  But I was 9 years old then.

Now, when I watch it, I’m surprised about the opening scene (that it exists, and that it isn’t anywhere near as cheezy as I figure the movie experience is going to be) and then I’m mostly just amused/nostalgic/rolling my eyes/saying “oh gawd”. 

The thing is, plenty of movies were made in 1983 or before that HAVEN’T become comical after being released as “thrillers”.  So I think that, despite a few moments of genius/brilliance/burnt-into-the-social-lexicon-ness, this is a (relative) failure today because so much attention was devoted to concept and message and so little was devoted to dialogue/believability/continuity/acting.

Favorite Character: Joshua

Grade: C+

7/25/12: The ending visuals alone urge me to shove it up a grade…  Grade: B-

In Descending Order Of Profundity

“Love, and do what you will” – Saint Augustine

“Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law” – Aleister Crowley

“An it harm none, do what ye will” – Wiccan Rede

“I like to rip off smarter people” – Anton LaVey

The first is the most difficult to follow, the second is the most difficult to interpret and determine, the third is a nice compromise, and the fourth is a hack.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Pun By Puppy (7/21/12)

I think, if you’re walking down the street in a public area in which it is legal for people to play music without a license (where applicable, Puppy does not confirm or deny legality in any particular area), and you happen to pass someone with a guitar or other instrument, who also has a container of some sort nearby for the purposes of collecting “tips”/”donations”/”etc” (Where legally applicable, of course), and they happen to be playing a Jim Morrison song (not all Doors songs qualify, check to be sure), and they finish and then, without hesitation, throw up both arms and exclaim “I am the Bus King!!!”, you should give them at least a dollar.

A pun.
“A pun??”
“No, not a pun…what’s that thing that’s spelled the same way backwards as forwards?”
*Pause* “A palindrome?”
“Yeah, yeah.”
“It’s not a palindrome…the palindrome for busking would be “gniksub”.  It don’t work.”

-Puppy >.< Yip! (w/ J. Cleese and M. Palin)

Follow-Up

Is there anyone in the world, honestly, that has read both ‘The Satanic Bible’ and ‘Hagakure’ that actually BELIEVES the former is more profound than the latter?  (Conditions:  All contestants must be over the age of 21 and have the ability to read/compare/think).

It’s like looking at the work of a brilliant artist after seeing your three-year-old’s latest stick-figure scribble masterpiece…everyone else might SAY they like the scribble better, but you know deep down in your reasonable mind that while you might find it charming for subjective reasons…that’s all.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

Awwwww…

It’s a cute, sweet, amusing, well-meaning little sci-fi drama that succeeds because it doesn’t aspire to heights it cannot attain.  The same cannot be said for most other Trek movies.  It’s ‘The Trouble With Tribbles’ to II’s ‘Space Seed’/’Balance Of Terror’/’Mirror Mirror’, II being the only Trek movie I’ve seen better than this one.

If you’re going to San Fran cis-co, don’t forget to pick up some humpback whales…

Inspirational Quote: “Ah…the giants.”

Grade: B

RoboCop (1987)

I most certainly CAN enjoy a relatively obvious escapist shoot-em-up cop-buddy flick!

It just has to be well-written and well done.  But not over done.  Maybe over under…

This is the first and (as is usually the case) by far the best in the eventual “franchise”.  The extreme violence that made this movie so controversial when it was released, even with the scenes that were edited to tone down said violence restored, is highly unlikely to shock or offend anyone in the target audience today.  At least, anyone that has seen what violent films have so commonly devolved into…useless bore and gore fests that feature nothing except shock value.

The admitted cheeze is offset by the intentional cheezy commercials and constant satire throughout, and by the precision and focused direction of the film.

I think, having seen many of these types of films (sans script/interest), and being fairly convinced that the brilliant filmmakers of this generation have conceived and realized every possible gruesome, disgusting, and pointlessly sickening violent idea imaginable while still, AMAZINGLY, failed to generate interest for the most part, that this is a welcome blast from the past.  If only movies like this had…you know…stories, anymore.

Inspirational Quote: “Iiiiii LIKE it!”

Grade: A-

The Anti-LaVey

Alternate Title: “Don’t Try To Warp This Into Doom and Gloom Bullsh1t”

“…becoming one with death in one’s thoughts, even in life, was the highest attainment of purity and focus. He felt that a resolution to die gives rise to a higher state of life, infused with beauty and grace beyond the reach of those concerned with self-preservation…” – Wikipedia

For the actual depth, read ‘Hagakure’. Or, at the very least, watch ‘Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai’.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Crow: City Of Angels (1996)

Aptly titled.  It’s ‘The Crow’, set in Los Angeles.

Imagine watching the shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake.

Now imagine expecting it to be different in some way before starting to watch.

For hard-core goths only…the same way the animated ‘DragonLance’ movie is for hard-core D+D geeks only.  But unlike that movie, not quite laughable.

Grade: D-

7/25/12: The standard for awful has been raised.  Therefore, this ascends.  Grade: D

Falling Down (1993)

Background: A world filled with chaos, pollution, hunger, poverty, injustice.

Take said world and introduce into it first a character (Michael Douglas, in the best performance I’ve ever seen him in) that seems to amplify the chaos of every situation by ten, and produce it where there is (or seemingly is) none (at least on the surface).  A character whose focus becomes more and more clear in his mind as his mind becomes more and more chaotic and without focus.

Introduce into that scenario a character (Robert Duvall, who is excellent as per usual) whose life is the very definition of tame, sedate, tranquil…non-chaotic.  A character whose focus gradually but surely lifts him out of that sedation, re-invigorates the true “will” in him, makes him alive again, so to speak.

Place these characters at such a point so that only one of their focuses (focii??) will be realized.

And one will.

Two ways to escape “drudgery”…fantasy and reality.  I’ll take reality.  (That would be Duvall).

Grade: A-

Best Worst Movie (2009)

I wrote a partial review for this and then threw it away halfway through.

I threw it away because while it’s hilarious to see horrible movies that aren’t meant to be horrible, and actors that realize their movie and their acting stunk and don’t mind, even ENJOY being objects of camp affection, when you go out of your way to embarrass someone who really doesn’t even understand they’re being made fun of instead of honored…that’s not funny.  That’s just mean.

And a mean geek is just as nasty as a mean non-geek.  I’m a non-mean geek. 

So call the first half an A- and watch the rest if you like sh1t like The Jerky Boys.

(‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ is worse than ‘Troll 2’ anyway)

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

Day Of The Dead (2008)

It’s got minor “star” power in Ving Rhames, who appears to be channeling ‘Pulp Fiction’ while getting ready for his recent “intimidation” car commercial.

It’s got nothing else that isn’t elsewhere in vast quantities, some better, some worse, a lot just as good.

It’s competent.  Totally, completely, boringly, meaninglessly.

To take the potential of the original ‘Day’ and squeeze everything out of it that made it interesting and replace it with professional dullness is such a mystifyingly stupid act that I had to watch this several times to confirm they had in fact succeeded in this.

Romero’s original had only one weakness, albeit a glaring one: EXTREMELY cheezy acting/dialogue.

This does away with that, and replaces it with nothing.  Worthless if you’ve ever seen any halfway-decent zombie/infected/undead/deadalive/etc movie before at any point in your life, ever.

Grade: D

The Pulp Fiction Effect

Mediocre actors given painfully long careers due to appearance:
John Travolta (ick)
Samuel L. Jackson (enough is ENOUGH)
Ving Rhames (Nooooo moreeee zombieeee moviieeeeesssssss)

Mediocre films inspired by it:
‘Destiny Turns On The Radio’
‘2 Days In The Valley’
Probably dozens of others that I either luckily avoided or that didn’t make it to the cinema.

“Tarantino represents the final triumph of postmodernism,
which is to empty the artwork of all content, thus avoiding its
capacity to do anything except helplessly represent our agonies….
Only in this age could a writer as talented as Tarantino produce
artworks so vacuous, so entirely stripped of any politics,
metaphysics, or moral interest.” – James Wood, The Guardian

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Autopsy (2008)

Real Critical Analysis: Not serious enough for people that like gore films, not funny enough for people that like cheezy gore parodies like ‘Hobo’, not cheezy enough for people that like ‘MST3K’, not gory enough for people that insist on ALL gore, ALL the time. 

Now, on to mocking it savagely.

Opening scenes would make a nice FB vacation collage if you could take out the music, which I assume is the latest and greatest project of the director’s best friend’s friend’s band.

‘Autopsy’ was filmed on location in a vacant hospital. (I LOVE that one)

Notable Characters:
O.W.A. Giveaway: Orderly who attempts to wheel a cart of body parts past a policeman.  Long pause.
Wandering Wasted Dude: So sad to see him go after they spent 15-20 whole seconds on developing character/relationship with female/conflict with male in the beginning.
Brain-Surgery-Surviving Heroine: Lots of stair-climbing.

1:10:45 – I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up.  Apparently neither does the actress.

Inspirational Quote: “Ohhhh…you got me dirty!”

Grade: D-

10/25/12: I SO want to be able to change my grade, so that I can say…

Cause of F: Stupidity.

But, sadly, I must retain my critical integrity.  Grade: D-

VampireFreaks Update – The Stupidity Continues

I read a surprising (“Oh, I don’t know…”) article about Luka Magnotta attracting LOTS of female FANS…and so, on a TOTAL RANDOM HUNCH, I searched to see if he had, oh, I don’t know…any VF fans.

See for yourself…these are the people that populate that online cesspool of stagnant stupidity.

Google search keywords: “vampire freaks luka magnotta”

Also applicable would be “psycho”, “serial killer”, “fascism”, “Nazi”, “racist”, “whites only”, and “We’re a bunch of fcktards”.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

This Is Always Just The Case

“People are monogamous only because they’re told to be by society/are repressing their own sexuality/don’t want to risk losing one person by being with another.”

“People are polyamorous only because they’re too ugly/stupid/weird/boring to have anyone actually want to exclusively date them.”

Both of the above are false.

The difference is, believing the first is often thought of as “progressive”.

Making blanket judgements and labels is just as ignorant when it’s done by a minority.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

What Planet Are You From? (2000)

It starts off, very briefly, as a cheezy sci-fi movie.

Then, for quite a while, it becomes a cute, sweet, amusing-bordering-on-funny, fun comedy.

Then, when that’s done with, it turns back into a cheezy sci-fi movie, plus sappy.

If it had a real beginning and ending they’d really have something here.

Grade: B-

7/5/12:  Well, I forgot about the MASSIVE holes in the “plot”.  But, it’s still fun.  And cute.  Grade: C+

Kill The Scream Queen (2004)

This is already far more publicity than the hack deserves, but here it is…

Bill Zebub(yeah, he’s searchable, go ahead.  Or just find any local BDSM scumbag) apparently HATES organized religion, especially Christianity.

Which makes sense.  I mean, since he also hates and detests women, he can’t really ascribe to anything associated with Jesus Christ, who did NOT hate women.

Why does he hate women?  Who knows…there’s always the small penis theory, or maybe he’s just a misanthropic, misogynistic sadist.  OR…maybe it’s all an act. 

But if it’s all an act…what’s the point?  An “act” should be entertaining in SOME way, however trivial.

Bill calls women…I MEAN “scream queens”…”useless except for their *insert least witty term for breasts here*” 

Well…what the fck does that make you, Bill, since you don’t have them and can’t direct any more than the worst “scream queen” can act?  I mean, you tie up your victims before you do anything to them, you miserable little coward.

The character, I mean…

Grade: F-

Scar (2007)

Cr@ppier, completely unmotivated version of ‘I Boob what you Breast last Cleavage’ with intermittent flashbacks to cr@ppy gore film with unfulfilled cr@ppy aspirations to ‘Saw’.

Scorsese/DeNiro >
Burton/Depp >
X/X >
Y/Y >
Z/Z >
McKee/Bettis >
Weintrob/Bettis

Where X = Decent, Y = Mediocre, and Z = Poor

Make it STOP, Jimmy…make it STOOOPPP…

Inspirational Response: “No.  It never stops.”

Grade: F-

7/25/12: “Well…it’s not as bad as ‘Kill The Scream Queen'” – Me, echoed for many movies upgraded to an F.  Grade: F

Zombie Girl: The Movie (2008)

No idea how good ‘Pathogen’ is…that’s totally irrelevant, really.

This documentary of a 12-year-old girl’s two-year-long quest to make a movie is fairly informative, quite amusing, thoroughly positive and quite uplifting, the last two of which are the most refreshing/surprising considering it’s a zombie movie.  Kids have certainly changed, as they do every generation, but for what it’s worth this shows that not all modern teens focus most of their energy on making fun of bus monitors and waiting for the momentous day when they can finally drop out of school.

Inspirational Quote: “You…die right there…where do you wanna die?”

Grade: B

7/1/12: Slight overreaction after the unfortunate experience that is ‘Battle Royale’.  Grade: B-

Battle Royale (2000)

The only value this has, if it has any, is as inspiration/rip-off fodder for a lot of similar films since, all of which (that I’ve seen, at least…and all that I care to see, I am certain) are better.

I mean, what are people seeing in this that they call it a classic?  Or that they ban it?  It’s about as offensive as ‘Godzilla Vs. The Sea Monster’ (in terms of cheezy stupidity and laughability quotient) or, if you wanted to be extremely charitable, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…only it’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Hobo’ because the intent here was to make a meaningful, provocative film. 

Great intent, really…fascinating “idea”…but this succeeds about as much as ‘The Last Man On Earth’ did, which is sad given that this was made AFTER people (I thought) came to expect good acting in EVERY movie, including horror flicks.  I mean, it’s so HOKEY…it’s so completely and utterly shallow you might as well just read the script and imagine it, because there’s ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you can imagine anything WORSE than this realization of the concept.  Abysmal.

Grade: F-

Seeking Guest Commentators

Looking for one or more people to offer opinions on my opinions. 

Most specifically, music and movie reviews.

Requirements: Willingness to speak your mind, Courtesy to me if not to any opinion/piece of work you may sarcastically savage and/or praise, Good spelling, Fluent in sarcasm, and not irrepressibly drab and awful.

Applicants may post as they see fit.  If it’s approved, you’re in.  If it’s not, try again.  If it never is, give up.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Question of the Day

Really, I’m curious…

When was the last time Miley Cyrus was in the “news” for anything other than bending over and showing her crack or “accidentally” showing off her (well, sort of) boobs?

And what is Billy Ray gonna do for money now that he can’t pimp out his daughter?

And when will people stop reading sh1t articles about no-talent white trash idiots so that they’ll stop writing them?

-Puppy >.< Yip!

REAL “Sensitive”…Beautiful Imagery, Beautiful Wonder…No BS.

Please…don’t reply to this pointing out the scientific inconsistencies and impossibilities.
I LIKE my sense of wonder.

“The windows open
and the little girl dreams
The sky’s her playground
as she mounts her steed
Across the heavens
to the other side
On wings of magic
does the little girl ride.

The baby creatures
run in from the cold
Back to the nest
just like the days of old
There in the safety
of a mother’s arms
The warmth of ages,
far away from harm again.”

– Neil Young, “War of Man”

Cheers?

*Diane* “You didn’t read this, did you?”
*Sam* “Didn’t have to, I lived it.”
*Diane* “Sit down…”
*Sam* *Sits, smiling*
*Diane* “Trevor is the image of the arrested adolescent.  Entirely self-oriented.  Still intimidated by the women around him and attempting to prove himself superior to them.  Through sexual conquest he can, for a time, quell his constant feelings of inferiority and failure.  Indeed the idea of a non-sexual relationship is completely foreign to him.  As the years pass, and his physical attractiveness diminishes, he’ll be doomed to a life of loneliness, and despair, unable to give or receive love.”
*Sam* *Looking down slightly, not smiling*

Waterworld (1995)

Comparisons to the ‘Mad Max’ movies, besides being altogether too easy, are inaccurate.  Or at least imprecise.  Those movies were, at their best, what this is at its worst/cheeziest.

This doesn’t just add a layer of water to ‘Max”s post-“apocalyptic” sludge, it adds layers of decent acting, a (mostly) non-laughable script (the last-second rescue scene tests the limits of the imagination), real characters (well, at least a few) and a plot.

Not the amazing vision Costner wanted it to be (besides ‘Dances With Wolves’, is it ever?), but not the embarrassing failure some people dismiss it as.  It’s a decent, well-done action flick.  Suspend your disbelief, don’t be too much of a science geek for 2+ hours, and you just might enjoy yourself.

Look for: “I’m king of the world!!!”

Inspirational Exchange:
:Hopper: “What is it then, huh?  It’s the map.”
:Costner: “She’s my friend.”
:Hopper: “Golly gee a single tear runs down my cheek *vis* I mean you’re gonna die for your friend…”
:Costner: “If it comes to that.”
…
:Hopper: “…I don’t think you’re gonna drop that torch, m’friend…”
:Costner: “Why not?”
:Hopper: *In a calming voice* “Because you’re not crazy.”

Grade: B-