Category: I Am Puppy Hear Me Degrade

Suggestion From Captain Pedantic

Accept the following:

Any government can and will use every method at their disposal, “legal” and “illegal”, to protect national security.

Only two types of people will deny this: Idealists, and Ignorants.

The only difference is, if it’s “legal”, it’s easier than if it’s “illegal”.

So all the debate about government surveillance is meaningless.  It doesn’t matter what anyone says, it doesn’t matter how many people get mad, it doesn’t matter if a law is passed, or not.

However, no government will use every method at their disposal on every individual in every instance in every form.

Only two types of people will deny this: Conspiracy Fanatics, and Ignorants.

Noone cares that you’re watching ‘Game Of Thrones’.  Noone cares that you’re calling someone to say “Hi, what’s up?”.  Noone cares that you’re forwarding a chain email to 100 people.

Here’s the problem, as with DNA (see ‘Big Brother Is Swabbing’):

Because this can be done, therefore it can be abused.  Fact.  (See ‘Hoover, J. Edgar’)

There are so many permutations, good and bad, that I can’t even conceive of them, let alone bother to try to list them.  Just think about it.

Will some horrible people be stopped from doing horrible things via legal/illegal means?  Of course.

Will some people that have done nothing wrong be fcked with because of some BS reason that is enabled by blanket legal/illegal powers?  Of course. (see ‘Big Brother Is Swabbing’)

So read ‘1984’ and ‘Animal Farm’, keep your minds open, and remember that there is no such thing as ThoughtCrime.  Not yet, at least.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Fun With OkC

JMR11861:

Pic One: Is that a tattoo or the scar from the knife slash that cut that part of your dress off?
Pic Three: The crotch “side” shot…much more classy than the straight-on one.
Pic Four: I am a consumer whore.  And how!

“I have a great sense of humor”

Where?

“I do love Seth MacFarlane’s work. Like, a lot…”

Wait for it…

“You read my profile and actually processed it.”

Processed what?  You don’t say ANYTHING.  You say blah, blah, blah.  You say “look at me, I’m hot…message me.  But don’t just say I’m hot, even though I show that I’m nothing else.”

“I get frustrated when people message me with no idea of who I am other than what’s in my pictures.”

So do they, probably.  But it’s because you apparently, from what I can tell, are nothing other than what’s in your pictures.

“I know it’s not extensive,”

Well yeah.

“but if you message me with a question that’s clearly answered right here, you’re a dick.”

I don’t see how anyone can message you with a question already answered anywhere in your profile except “Are you hot?” and “Do you like dressing in tight clothes?”

My honest attempt at contact (Really, it was…I was joking…you know, like she says she likes):

Hi there. I feel intimidated by the fact that you’re attractive and I’m not.
If you think that was a sad message, here are the first two I considered, both playing on your “you’re a dick” comment:
1: I’m a dick
2: How did YOU know?

Response: “You really are.”

Really?
Well, I wanted to be for a long time…but I couldn’t, cuz Matt Groening hadn’t done it already.
Is that it?

“Smart girl…” -M. Howard

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Big Brother Is Swabbing

‘Supreme Court: DNA Samples Can Be Taken From Arrestees Without Warrant’

“According to the FBI, DNA from people who have gotten the
charge dismissed, who were acquitted or from whom no charges
were brought are supposed to be expunged from the federal system.”
-Jesse J. Holland

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAH…Oh…they’re serious.  “Supposed to be”????? They can’t even LIE categorically?

Now, after taking a long step away from both the “Anarchy-In-The-USA,K?” side and the “I completely trust my government” MORON side, here’s something to think about:

DNA can be obtained a number of ways.
DNA is INDISPUTABLE evidence in a court of law.
The only people that “control” the “DNA banks” of the FBI are the FBI.
The FBI has long performed illegal activities (See ‘Hoover, J. Edgar’)

So, while I’m not “morally outraged” that DNA can now be taken “just like that”…

(Why?  Because it ALREADY COULD.  Think about it.  Just because it isn’t legal doesn’t mean it can’t be done).

Here’s the problem (Well, one of many obvious and blatant ones):
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL government employees operate within the law.
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL government employees operate outside the law.
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL people operate within the law.
Any intelligent person will admit that NOT ALL people operate outside the law.
Government employees = People.

Potential for abuse: Ummm…if you can’t see it…*Shrug*  That’s kinda sad.

I mean, the ONLY reason that (hypothetically) ANYONE can’t be found guilty of ANYTHING now (hypothetically) is that you need a REASON to HAVE “indisputable evidence”.

BEFORE:
“Your Honor, we have a swab of DNA that connects the suspect to the crime.”
“Where did you get it?”
“Ummm…nevermind.  And ignore the other person’s name on the vial.”

NOW:
“Your Honor, we have a swab of DNA that connects the suspect to the crime.”
“Where did you get it?”
“Routine swab, your honor.”
“Have you anything to say, suspect?”
“That’s not my name on the vial.”
“Oops…ummm…misfiled.”

I mean, I’m trying not to go ‘1984’ Conspiracy Theory crazy here, but anyone who would suggest that the MANDATORY taking of DNA samples BEFORE ANY GUILT OF ANY CRIME is proven could NEVER be used in an illegal/unethical fashion by the FBI/Other Authorities cuz…”well, they wouldn’t do that!  It’s just wrong!” is a total and complete MORON.

But the government is glad to have you.  You’ve chosen…SECURITY!
Congratulations. 
Baaaaa.

“They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.” – Benjamin Franklin

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Curly Howard – Moments Of Genius (Part 20)

*Woman* “Oh, how can I ever thank you?”
*Curly* “Don’t try.  By the way, here’s fifty-two dollars I just found in my hand.”
*Woman* “Why, that’s the amount I gave Mr. Scroggins!”
*Curly* “Now ain’t that a coincidunce!”
…
*Moe* “Say…did you notice the beautiful watch Scroggins had on?”
*Curly* “Notice it?  I got it!”

Robert Christgau – Inspired Mockery

If I try really hard, and I’m inspired, I can come up with sh1t that rivals his off-days.

Part two of two:

‘Guns N’ Roses

“The Spaghetti Incident?” [Geffen, 1993]
Talk about your anxiety of influence. As someone who never
thought punk had much to do with musicianship or musicianship
much to do with GN’R, I remain impressed even with the excitement worn off. I mean, Axl Rose damn near stealing “Human Being” from David Johansen? Because his drummer is so fierce? Fear and
UK Subs (!) and Nazareth (!!) tunes that belong on the
same record? What would Harold Bloom say? Something about Axl
being a sh1tty songwriter, I hope. Which wouldn’t be altogether
fair. But hey–criticism is unfair. A-‘

Puppy Edit: naughty word made less naughty.

FINALLY – A Federal Crackdown On Bad Comedy

Headline: “Two men facing federal charges for prank-calling Buddy Nix, Mark Dominik”.

“They could face up to five years in prison.”

Is there ANYONE who thinks they’d be facing anything more than a disapproving tweet or FB rant if the two guys they pranked weren’t really, really rich?

What a load of sh1t.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Boston Vs. New York – Sporting Events, An Unbelievably Anal Analysis (By Puppy)

Based On Total TY (Team years, one year of one team in one sport = 1 TY)

So if 2 teams in 1 sport the same year, that’s 2 TY versus Boston’s 1 TY.

TY:

NBA (Including BAA)
Boston = 67 (Boston Celtics)
New York = 93 : 67 (New York Knicks) + 2 (New York/Brooklyn Nets) + 9 (Rochester Royals) + 15 (Syracuse Nationals)

NHL
Boston = 88 (Boston Bruins)
New York = 185 : 17 (New York/Brooklyn Americans) + 86 (New York Rangers) + 40 (New York Islanders) + 42 (Buffalo Sabres)

MLB (Modern Era)
Boston = 164 : 7 (Boston Americans) + 104 (Boston Red Sox) + 53 (Boston Beaneaters/Boston Braves)
New York = 275 : 50 (New York Mets) + 10 (New York Highlanders) + 99 (New York Yankees) + 58 (New York Giants) + 58 (Brooklyn Dodgers)

NFL (Super Bowl Era)
New England = 47 (Boston/New England Patriots)
New York = 141 : 47 (Buffalo Bills) + 47 (New York Jets) + 47 (New York Giants)

Argument: “New England isn’t just Boston”.  New York has plenty of fans in New England too, so get over it.  Games are played in Massachusetts…close enough.

Total Championships:
NBA:
Boston: 17
New York: 4

NHL:
Boston: 6
New York: 8

MLB:
Boston: 8
New York: 35

NFL:
Boston: 3
New York: 5

Total:
Boston: 34
New York: 52

Total TY:
Boston: 366
New York: 694

Championships Per TY, as of 5/17/13:
Boston: .09289
New York: .07492

But who’s counting, it’s just a game!!!  <=== I’m a funny guy!

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 35)

I think, for comedic value, ‘Con Air’ should be remade EXACTLY the same as the original, except for the following slight alteration:

*Dumb Guy* “What’s that?”
*Malkovich* “That’s a rock.”
*Dumb Guy* “Ok, what’s this movie?”
*Malkovich* “‘The Flying Rock'”. *Picks up rock and donks guy on head with it, then proceeds*

The Insane Idiot – 5/2/13

“Can’t believe everything.” -LaLa, actress(?)

Yeah, like Carmelo Anthony saying he “just wanted to talk” to KG when he went to the C’s bus.

Hey, Puppy, why doesn’t LaLa get any work?

“You on the bench for a reason.” -LaLa, actress(?)

BTW, memo to Toronto fans: I feel your pain, but attempting to displace your anguish over the Jays and Leafs onto a single Red Sox player is simply unhealthy…work THROUGH your grief, guys.  I’m pullin’ for ya.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Thoughts While Watching The Bruins/Celtics/Red Sox – 5/1/13

Bruins:
Hey, is that really a Vezina Trophy potential candidate playing in net for Toronto?
Nice observation by A.B., something to the effect of “Both teams have a lot of tough guys…the difference is the Bruins tough guys can play hockey.”

Celtics:
Hey, is that really a number 2 seed playing against the Celtics at home?

Red Sox:
Sorry guys, didn’t see much.  Nice job, though.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

You Can’t Keep A Good City Down

The Bruins’ fans recital of the National Anthem was admittedly very stirring.  (Not Satire)

However, I still have to say that nothing will ever top this version for sheer power and majesty:
*SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE*

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyCc1DzRAgQ

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – I would watch more baseball if an equivalent performance was performed before every game. (housekeeping)

My First Comedy Routine – By Puppy

So I was in the shower, and I came up with an AUTHENTIC (that is to say, NOT original, but truly felt) (2) little comedy bit, with myself (vaguely 3).  Obviously I shower alone.  Yeah, with nobody else (1).  Sad Puppy :(

Anyway…so I thought of this little bit (non-naughty 3) about how, if I was a comedian, which I’m not since I…ok, here’s where it starts to get complicated.  Now, I thought to myself, after I thought of the following routine: “No way…you could never do that, you’d crack up too much, and you’d be too nervous.”  But then I thought: “Well, while *I* like this little bit I just made up, it’s not that funny, probably, to the average person that isn’t me.”  So that eliminated one problem.  However, the anxiety problem remains.  So, here it is, presented for you, I’m quite excited about it…a rough draft…my first comedy sketch.

*Setting: Open Mic Night, somewhere…everyone gets 5 minutes.  I go in the middle somewhere, so the audience is either/both worked up by good stuff or bored to death by sh1t.  So, up I walk…*

“Hello.  My name is Aaron, but you can call me Puppy.  I’ll be your next performer for the evening.  (See, this is good if it’s a mixed night)

“I’d like to start off by saying a quick, funny little joke that will endear you, or some of you at least, to me…and the rest will gradually be won over by resultant peer pressure and because I’m so funny.  Then, I’d like to do…oh wait, fcked up (4)…I’d like to SAY how much I love being here, and how wonderful and amazing an audience you are, ummm, to further suck up, and make you all feel good about yourselves, because that’s why you came here.  Any masochists, leave now.  OH!  Thank you.  That’s not the joke.  Here’s the joke…”

“So, you know…the other day (BRILLIANT! 4) I was thinking…what a shame it is, that noone on board the ‘Titanic’ (italics) was skilled at (definition of an “icebreaker”), otherwise that entire tragedy might have been avoided.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, as I said, I thought it might be nice, in the sense of me doing well and you feeling good about yourselves, however briefly…if I said what a wonderful/great/amazing/etc audience you are, especially tonight, so on…but I just realized (5): You’re not.  In fact, I hate each and every person in this audience.  Every single one.  And when I say I hate you, I don’t mean in a generic because-you’re-not-laughing sort of way, or even ANY generic lumping sense of any group or groups of people…I mean that I hate each and every one of you, individually, on a completely justified basis depending on the person.  Each and every one of you is a completely disgusting, filthy, shameless abhorrent perverted piece of human garbage and the sight of you makes me want to vomit (adapted 3).  Every one.  Except you, sir/madam (4).  I like you very much.  But everyone else, sir/madam, I hate.  What is your name, sir/madam? *Pause*  Thank you, (insert name here) (4).  You, as I said, I like.  You’re great, and I’m only going to proceed with this performance for your sake.  Everyone else…f#ck em.  Really.  I’m not joking.  All of them.  Even person-he/she-is-sitting-with.  Even him/her.  I hate them, too.  Are you dating/married to/interested in them? (4).  Well, they’re horrible, sir/madam.  I can only say, for what little it’s worth, that at least you’re getting great sex.”

*Pause*

“Oh, yes, that implies that I know he/she intimately.  I do.  That’s why I hate them so much, possibly even more than anyone else here.  But they’re great in the sack (6).  Because, yes, we’ve had sex.  So I can at least take comfort in that, sir/madam.  But they are horrible in every other conceivable way.”

*Pause*

“I’m just joking…I don’t know him/her at all (4), as a person.  So I can’t say they’re horrible.  I have had sex with them, though, but they weren’t very good at all, I didn’t get their name, they never called me afterward even though they SAID (glance at him/her) they would, and they have a tendency toward flatulence…well, you know.”

*Pause*

“I’d like to acknowledge the following rips: 1,2,3,4,5,6.  Thank you.  Oh…it was all a joke.”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

1: George Thorogood and the bluesmen he ripped off.
2: Jim Jarmusch
3: Monty Python
4: generic comedians everywhere.
5: Bill Hicks
6: MST3K

Today’s STUNNING Scientific News

“Do Women Need Bras? French Study Says Brassieres Are A ‘False Necessity'”
– Title of recent online article

Let’s go on…

“Conducting the study at the university’s hospital, Rouillon
measured and examined the breasts of more than 300 women, aged
18 and 35…”

So…money was spent for a man to examine the breasts of 300 women?

Why am I reminded of the Castle Anthrax? -Puppy >.< Yip!

10/16/16: I think the article meant “to” instead of “and” between the “18” and the “35”. Or I might have written the wrong word. In the first case, you get the general idea. In the second case, sorry. (housekeeping)

Recent Headline: “Poll: Striking Number Of Americans Want State Religion”

After listening to the BS prop from both sides, here’s the reality:

Whether or not there is a State religion would have ABSOLUTELY NO EFFECT on your life.  None.  It’s a NON-issue.  Anyone that campaigns for or against it: You are WASTING your time.  If you disagree, watch ‘A Civil Action’, pretend I’m the judge and you’re the cheese-man. 

“Few people waste THEIR time with it, or MINE…” Rip alteration acknowledged.

It will not make the US a more “moral” country, nor will it “promote” religion.  Unless you count the BS fake I’ll-say-I’m-X-religion-to-conform stance as “religion”.  And if you do, that’s sad.

It will also not force anyone to become Christian, turn the US into a fanatical Holy American Empire that sends troops for another round of Crusades, or make the US a less “free-thinking” country.

Sad.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Curly Howard – Moments Of Genius (Part 18)

*Moe* “Well they’re gonna hang us.”
*Curly* *Reaching up to his throat dramatically, falling back as he speaks* “Oh No…NO!  I’m too young to die!  I’m too young, and too handsome…*turns his head, looking into a mirror and recoiling* Nyah!…*gazing in for confirmation, then turning back to Moe in slight resignation* “Well, I’m too young.”

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 33)

Recent ad for a phone that was “brilliant” because it could:

Determine the square root of : (7 to the 3rd power – 19), divided by 4.

Wow…the ‘Rain Man’ CA/A’s must be clamoring for this.

I mean, FINALLY, a feature we can actually USE in everyday life.

NOTE: It may have been 17 instead of 19, I’m only 6.3 on that…but still, a vital feature.