Category: I Am Puppy Hear Me Degrade

Talking Sh1t To Dull Scumbags – Volume 1 (SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE)

“i feel really gay that you are messaging me. do you feel the same?”

I feel pretty, oh so pretty…

Are you still doing those child rape drawings?

“Yeah a few.”

Just “a few”?  So you’re now only SLIGHTLY interested in child rape drawings?

“I tried twitter but i couldn’t be bothered.”

Translation: I tried twitter but people ignored me so I stopped.

“I do all sorts of sh1t.”

Yeah, like the “talking sh1t to animals” bits where you basically just say random curse words to small animals.  That’s…not funny.

“what is your website?”

You’re SOAKING in it!!!

“I don’t want to waste my time looking at sh1t with tattoos or nothing.”

Yeah, sorry, I don’t have sh1t with masks.  And I actually LIKE animals, not swearing at them.

“I do not have tattoos…not one and I never will.”

Yeah, so you told me before…you think they’re “gay” and any man that has one is a “loser”.

“I don’t pay attention to stats on my website,”

Translation: I don’t get any hits and I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THE PAIN…ANY Mooo-ooo-ooore!

“I could care less.”

So you do care, then?  If you care somewhat, why don’t you pay attention?

“I have another that is far more important that gets up to 500 unique ip’s per hour.”

Translation: ONCE, I got 500 hits in ONE HOUR!  Ahhhh…those were the day…

“that one I have to stay on top of. or people get pissy.”

So you’re on top of it now?  Get off, man, you’ll crush it!

“no. there is nothing illegal on my website.”

I did NOT have sex…with that woman…Monica…Lewinsky.  Just dassing you, man.

By the way Das, what’s your favorite way of being spanked and then yelling “THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!!!”?

“I have dealt with police over these issues”

I see…

“(long story)”

How long is it?

“…main concern is photographic evidence of adults exploiting minors through a form of prurient interest is illegal.”

WOW…you sound like you MEMORIZED the definition of child porn.  Ummm…why?

“there is none of that on my website.”

There’s none of anything on your website.

“It is only considered as an artistic rendition of cartoonish satire.”

Really?  I thought satire was supposed to be funny and/or have a message?  Unless you consider it funny to see children being raped, what message exactly are you trying to send, Dasy baby?

“I don’t f#ck”

Sorry…have you considered ceasing being a tremendous stinkwad?  That might help.

“with cp and I would never store any or even look at any on my computer.”

Yes, you’re firmly on record now as having stated that.  Ummm…yeah.  Ever seen ‘Cleanflix’?

“Quite frankly on a personal level, that along with junkies are probably the lowest standard of human alive.”

Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?  Oh…ever seen ‘Cleanflix’?

“And I know this for a fact because I was a desperate junky for a decent portion of my life.”

Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?

“…so then do ya wanna go shoot up some primo dope and go fck some babies?”

Hey, were you that guy in ‘Trainspotting’?

I Think Das Has His Head Up His But

“what the f#ck do you want”

Oh, you know, the usual things…a nice house, the right girl, maybe a new pair of socks…

Actually before I go on I’d just like to point out that I never wanted anything from you other than for you (someone I had NEVER talked to) to not, out of the FCKEN BLUE (thank you, RD) send me a profanity-laced, homophobic, anti-tattoo, anti-fat-people, completely unprovoked and mind-numbingly stupid borderline-psychotic rant (See ‘It’s been a while…’).

Unfortunately, you decided to.  I still have NO IDEA why…but what’d ya expect me to do?  Reply with “Hi!  Thanks a lot for the unprovoked harassment and abuse!”?

“you stupid faggot?”

Hmmm…see ‘A Derogatorial – By Puppy’ re: your apparent homophobia.  And as I point out QUITE CLEARLY, I’m a clever person who talks loudly in restaurants!

“I already trolled you into blocking me.”

No, you tried (and at first you didn’t succeed, but you kept on suckin’) to get me to block you after your totally unprovoked rant because while you apparently (judging from said rant) hate me for some reason I don’t know, you’re also (IMPO) a total poser and coward.  Just a hunch.  I’m not saying you DEFINITELY are…I’m saying I’m about 99.9999999 percent sure.  But of course, only fools are positive.

I base this on your oh-so-brave-and-valiant “If you go somewhere far away, someone else will beat you up” comment/threat(?)

By the way, how does it feel to go so EXTREME in your bullsh1t persona and then sit alone and realize that deep down, you’re afraid of your own shadow?  Is that why you seem to hate everything?  I mean…you can’t do the spoken-word sh1t for profit (I refuse to believe anyone would PAY to hear it), and since there’s absolutely NO creativity to it, I assume it’s an outlet for you to safely release your inner raging angst without having to actually have any testicles.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.  I’m here for ya, big fella.

“DO you want more because I would be happy to drop as low as I can go to help you out.”

Boom-Chikka WAH WAH!

Nah, man…like I already said (see ‘Das ist gut!’) I really LIKE you and all, but I just don’t think of you that way.

“I have lots of business.”

Really, would that be more baby rape drawings like you advertised before? (see ‘Excerpts from Das But’s twitter page – Photo taken LIVE in his mom’s basement’) Or yelling at small dogs and other helpless, defenseless creatures?  Or another anti-black people video?  Which of those are you talking about?  Or do you do anything else?

-Puppy >.< Yip!

But Wait, Das Not All!

For your reading pleasure, it’s Das But vs. Das Boot.

Dboot: QUIET IN THIS WHOREHOUSE!

Dbut: why did you block me? I thoujght we were having a pretty good time together? probly a dick!

Dboot: Look at these new heroes. All wind and smoke. Just big mouths.

Dbut: if ya want i reckon

Dboot: Mildew is good for you. It’s the next best thing to fresh lettuce…like fresh horse-droppings.

Dbut: i try to add you as friend and you friend and you wont let me. if i try to add again will you? if noy we meet for fight!

Dboot: I’ve got some up my a$$. Maybe we can tie them together?  I can’t navigate on bananas!

Why I Use “HAIKIBA” Instead Of “Hi-Keeba” – WTFAYACM??? Commentary By Puppy

Yes, I realize the “official” spelling is “Hi-Keeba”. 

However, I think in the spirit of, oh I don’t know…RIFFING, ORIGINALITY, INDIVIDUALITY, EVERYTHING MST STOOD FOR…that it’s best to go with my personal take on it rather than changing every BLEEDING review to match the “universal MST standard”.

Those who don’t understand my reasoning are spectacularly missing the WHOLE POINT of MST, Monty Python, and every other fairly ORIGINAL, INDIVIDUALITY-BASED, FCK CONFORMITY, THINK-FOR-YOURSELF brand of humor ever to walk the face of the Earth.

Bahhhh.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Curly Howard – Moments Of Genius (Part 17)

*Moe* “Boy are you UMB-day!”
*Curly* “Oh, you mean I’m umb-day, in pig language?”
*Moe* “You’re umb-day in any language.”
*Curly* “Oh, thank you!”
*Moe* “Now I’ll explain it so even YOU can understand it. *SLAP* Now follow me…Larry: arry-lay!  Moe: Oe-may! Curly???”
*Curly* “Curly-Q!”

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 6 – The Therapy Episode – Part 2)

*SOMAD* *Antenna extends* “Sit down.”
*Man* *Closing the door, glancing at SOMAD* “Wow, you’re-”
*SOMAD* “Sit down.
*Man* “This is amazing, you’re a cute little machine! How are you levitating like that? An-”
*SOMAD* “My means of propulsion is irrelevant. My function is to analyze your mental patterns and correct any deficiencies encountered. I am SOMAD.”
*Man* “Umm…alright…” *Sits down in a comfy chair* “This is amazing, I-”
*SOMAD* “What is the deficiency.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* *whir* “State the nature of the mental deficiency.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, actually…I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, and-”
*SOMAD* “Non sequitur. Your facts are un-coordinated.”
*Man* “Huh?”
*SOMAD* “Your current physical position of sitting has no relevance to your mental state.”
*Man* “Oh. Well, when I say “down”, I mean just…well, sort of depressed.”
*SOMAD* *whir* “Keyword accepted.” *whir* “Explain the reasoning. I am here to listen.”
*Man* “Ummm…well, I don’t really know WHY I feel depressed…I mean, it’s nothing I can really put…pinpoint. I just…feel depressed.”
*SOMAD* “Your emotions are faulty. There is no reason for your depression therefore it is illogical that you feel depressed. Advice follows.” *whir*
*Man* “Well I really need to ta-”
*SOMAD* “Stop feeling depressed. Initiate a high level of cheer. Overcome faultiness.”
*Man* “But it’s not just that, there are other feelings I’m-”
*SOMAD* “Cease all illogical feelings. Initiate a high level of cheer.
Overcome faultiness. That will be two hundred dollars. You may leave.” *Antenna retracts*
*Man* “Hey, umm…what if I said my name was “Roykirk”?”
*SOMAD* “Do not taunt SOMAD.”

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 29)

There’s a stupid beer commercial that talks about beer and friends and lots of stupid cr@p…and near the end it talks about how your friends are the ones that know why you have a weakness for women named Jennifer.  As it says this, it shows three pictures (I assume of women that are supposed to be named Jennifer).  I think it would be cool, since they SAY the name and never actually SPELL it, if they added a picture of Carrie Anne Fleming in full Masters Of Horror makeup after the last one, while keeping the “cool”, low-key, playful music.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Think This Through With Me – Gun Laws

As with almost all things, the logical course lies somewhere in the middle of two extremes.

ONE extreme says anyone can own any gun they want, period.  So, hypothetically speaking, someone with small children in their house could leave a fully loaded, un-safetied AK-47 assault rifle in every room in the house…JUST BECAUSE!  It’s their RIGHT, after all.

I don’t think I need to explain why this position is insane.

The OTHER extreme says NOONE (except police officers and the like) can own ANY gun.

Because guns kill people.

Sounds lovely, but here’s the problem:  If you make all guns illegal, then the people who ALREADY get their guns illegally (aka “criminals”) will STILL HAVE THEM, and I assume at least SOME of them will be smart enough to realize “Hmmm…I have a gun.  No citizen can legally own a gun.  If I want to rob a house, I probably won’t get shot.  I mean…if it’s a really RICH looking house, they must have lots of money.  And if they have lots of money, they wouldn’t be robbing OTHER people’s houses.  Eureka!”

And what, exactly, are civilians supposed to do when someone breaks into their house with a gun, threatening the lives of themselves and their family? (and their personal property, but that pales in comparison).  Use karate?  A baseball bat?  Maybe pull out that sword they’ve been training with for the past 20 years like that guy in ‘Raiders’ and show how amazing they are with it before the criminal (let’s call him “Indy”) rolls his eyes and shoots them? 

*Knock Knock* Hello, McFly…

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Penncil Logic – SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE

Penn Jillette:
People who believe in God are stupid.
People who believe all that liberal-biased nonsense about “global warming” are stupid.

Oh, and I think about Ayn Rand when I’m in bed with my wife.

Penn’s wife: *Has lost the power of speech after seeing Penn Jillette naked*

I think they should remake ‘The Arrival’, except replace the aliens with little Penns.  That would be much more plausible, AND scary (both in appearance and concept).

-Puppy >.< Yip!

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 5 – The Therapy Episode)

*Receptionist, standing at large extremely-elevated podium* “You can go in now, Sir.”
*Man, looking up from his copy of ‘Fascism Monthly’* “I’m sorry…me?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir.  SOMAD will see you now.”
*Man* “Oh, alr…SOMAD?”
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir.”
*Man* “I…don’t understand, my therapist’s name isn-“
*Receptionist* “Yes, Sir, I understand you previously had a different therapist.  But due to remarkable advances in technology, your previous human therapist is now OB-SO-LETE…*ahem* *ahem* Excuse me…is now obsolete, Sir.”
*Man* “So what’s umm…”
*Receptionist* “If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Hey, is that Burgess Meredith over there?”
*Receptionist* “No.  If you’ll just go in, Sir.”
*Man* “Ummm…well if you don’t mind me asking, why aren’t you obsolete too?”
*Receptionist* “Shh.”

*FADE TO BLACK*

A Non-Religious Intellectual Objection

Companies have to include birth control for women as part of “health care”?

I’m usually quite liberal, but how is that not insane?  I mean, do men get free condoms?

There’s a simple way to avoid becoming pregnant if you don’t have birth control:  DON’T HAVE SEX.  Or…let him pull out and…so on and so on.

Half kidding, but really…that’s absurd.  What’s next, toothpaste covered in healthcare as “preventative medicine”?

Seems slightly to me like a load of sexist pro-female horsesh1t.  *Shrug*

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Same-Day Edit: That was an uninformed, ignorant rant.
Apparently men CAN get free birth control.  And I was not intending to imply in any way that I am AGAINST birth control…live and let live, nothing religious about this question to me.  Birth control is sensible and downright…well, sensible if you don’t want to have a child. 
Nor did I intend to imply in any way that I am not “pro-female”.  In light of my ignorance, it seemed unfair to men.  Thus the misinformed comment.
And apparently all sorts of things are covered that aren’t, in my opinion, as necessary as others.  Viagra, for instance.
So in conclusion, let me wonder why the money spent on free Viagra and on free birth control (when it has no medical purpose, for women AND men exactly the same) isn’t spent on something more worthwhile.  Like stopping people from starving to death.  Just a thought…

“I know that this is vitriol…no solution, spleen-venting…but I feel better, having screamed…don’t you-ou-ou?” – R.E.M., “Ignoreland”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Jon Stewart – Political/Social Commentator (And Comedian)

Ordinarily (that is, 99 times out of 100) I would agree with Jon Stewart and disagree with Chris Wallace.  Because I am, in fact, a moderate liberal in my general political/social outlook.

But for Stewart to call Wallace “insane” for correctly pointing out that Stewart makes CONSTANT mocking political/social commentaries, using humor, as a means of provoking change (see “Satire”) is just plain wrong.

Stewart is extremely intelligent, and so I can’t assume that Stewart doesn’t KNOW what he’s doing.  Therefore, the only other conclusion is that he’s lying when he pretends not to know. At least, I can’t think of another one.

Almost all of Stewart’s bits have a political/social context.  And he makes quite clear how he stands on each issue.  Why noone outside of the insane far-right has the guts to point this out at once sickens and amazes me.  I mean, you hate sheep, but you BAAAA in response to this guy? I know he’s really smart and it takes guts to potentially incur his wrath, but come on…let’s not be hypocrites or cowards, eh?  Isn’t that what we hate so much?

So, sorry Jon, but you’re a liar.  You KNOW your show is a liberal-slanted political/social commentary show, NOT a straight “comedy” show.  I mean, you’re not an idiot.  You’re actually VERY intelligent, and most of the time I agree with you, which makes it very difficult for me to point out the fact that you are, in reality, a liar.

Sorry.  But you’re a really GOOD, FUNNY liar!

At least, I’m 6.9 on all that.

Point of commentary: THINK FOR YOURSELF!  Anyone that gets ALL their “news” from ‘The Daily Show’/’The Colbert Report’ is just as ignorant as those that get ALL their “news” from Faux News.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Obama To Use The Phrase “So Help Me God” In Oath Of Inauguration

If he does nothing else in his second term, the wave of fervent, seething CA/A angst this has already produced (particularly amongst the very same liberals who struggled mightily to achieve this moment) almost brings a tear to my eye.  I don’t care if he MEANS it…just that him choosing to say whatever words he wants to say (you know…freedom of speech/expression) makes people who supposedly support free speech get so foamy at the mouths.

BTW, memo to Stephen Hawking: a woman has a vagina, as opposed to you having a penis. 

Hope that helps you understand.

Other than that, to suggest that “women” are a complete mystery is ignorant, sexist, and just plain dumb.

Let me splain, Steve…women are like men, only female. 

Like men, they have WILDLY varied personalities, beliefs, temperaments, etc, etc etc…depending on the INDIVIDUAL, not the sex organs.

You know…they’re not all the same.  There’s no equation for them.

On the good side…he DID come up with this gem of a quote, which I completely agree with (and which must really irk some of his devotees): “People who boast about their IQ are losers.”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 26)

Ok, so there’s that terrible movie ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate’.

Now, I know from its use in the movie that “Manos” is intended as a proper name for some sort of demon or something, but I also infer from the hands on the weird high mucky-muck’s robes that it’s a reference to hands.  Also, the title is a bit of a giveaway…and “manos” does mean “hands” in Spanish.

So my question is…for the ultra-sought-after foreign releases of ‘Manos’, how is it titled?

Like, in countries whose primary language is Spanish, it would make sense for it to be called:

‘Hands: Las Manos Del Destino’?

That’s Plannin’, Isn’t It? Forethought.

Brendon Ayanbadejo: The Art Of Working The Officials

Call it a hunch, but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that what Ayanbadejo was really saying translates to the following, four or five times in a row:

“My team and I are very worried that we won’t be able to stop the Patriots’ no-huddle hurry-up offense.  Therefore, even though it’s perfectly legal to snap the ball on offense once the offense is set at the line and the signal is given by the referee, regardless of whether the defense has “set itself” the way it wants (come on, it’s football…any quarterback who politely waits patiently while the defense sets itself until given a “thumbs up” ready-to-go signal by a LB may be a gentleman, but he’s also a MORON), since that hurts our chances to win I want to try to stop it.  So I’ll just comment OVER and OVER hinting at the “illegality” of it, even though it’s not illegal, and hope it has at least some subconscious effect on the way the referees call the game.  Hey, it can’t hurt.”

Pretty smart, really.  Not very gentlemanly, though.  But WTF cares?  It’s football, get over it.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Divisional Playoff)

Apparently commercial writers think all football fans are complete morons.

Latest brilliant nugget:

Apparently (X) tv service is better than riding on a motorcycle with a woman sitting on the seat behind you dressed in a leather-ish outfit and carrying two crossbows with a burning bolt in each which she shoots into the air as you spin the motorcycle around and they fly up and explode and turn into a blazing tiger head figure.

Who knew?

The Value Of Scientific Proof

Every hundred (or less, or more?  Dunno…I can’t prove it either way, but I’m 6.9 it’s around that) years or so the previous “scientific facts” are “proven” to be wrong.

That’s just dumb.

Conclusion: If you put all your Faith (Ha!) in science and adhere to it like an obstinate tick without regard for anything else, you are an illogical moron.

Recent Headline: ‘Largest Structure In Universe, Large Quasar Group, Challenges Cosmological Principle’

Basically scientists proudly announced the proven existence of something that was widely assumed by scientists could not/should not exist.

Brilliant.

P.S.: I have a theory on Richard Dawkins’ degree of certainty of the non-existence of God.  My theory goes as follows and begins now- Richard Dawkins is repressing some sexual desire. 

I think the fact that he chose to separate the six and the nine by a period might also indicate a certain line which he simply will not cross.  Or WILL HE?

Boom-chikka-WAH WAH!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

We’re All Winners Here!

I recently read an article that claimed Carmelo Anthony came out the “winner” in his little spat with Kevin Garnett.

Knicks’ record in two games Anthony was absent mentally and/or physically: 0-2

So, if your actions on and off the court make your team go 0-2 and that makes you a “winner”, you must be talking about winner in the Little League “Everyone’s a winner!” sort of way.

Memo to anyone who cares what KG says:  Why?  See Paul Pierce’s quote about Spike Lee.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

GREAT Idea – By Puppy

Since the amount of Crusading Atheists/Antitheists in the United States is greatly outnumbered by the amount of Theists/Agnostics/Non-Crusading Atheists, here’s an idea…

First of all, let’s clarify something.  There’s not really a “War On…” (Religion, Christmas, Christianity, Etc…) going on in the US.  That’s a misuse of the word “war”, in my opinion.  You see, the word “war” indicates a struggle in which two sides are engaged and both hold out at least SOME reasonable hope for victory.

And I’m not SURE on this, but I’m a 6.9 that since Crusading Atheists/Antitheists are vastly outnumbered by non CA/As, the CA/As don’t really have ANY “reasonable”, plausible hope for victory.  I mean, that’s like saying the Democratic Party in China or the Nazi Party in America is engaged in a “war” for control of the government.  It might please the respective minorities to THINK so, but come on…Nazis aren’t taking over the US, and China’s government isn’t falling to a Democratic coup.  That’s just…well…fairy tale talk.

SAME-DAY EDIT: NO, I am NOT ripping off Jon Stewart.  Jon Stewart compared it to the Harlem Globetrotters vs. the Washington Generals.  The difference is, when you watch those two teams play, EVERYONE knows who is going to win (at least, on a 6.9 certainty scale) INCLUDING the WASHINGTON GENERALS.  There’s no pre-game speech about how “We can beat them if we really really try!” going on…it’s a joke, it’s meant to be a joke, everyone (including the participants) KNOWS it’s a joke.  Big difference, as CA/As don’t generally realize how funny they are.  You know, they’re just funny.  Like, you know…funny, what?

So, let’s say it’s more of a very small scale, outfunded, outresourced, vastly outmanned minor guerrila conflict on religion.  That’s a much more appropriate military comparison.  Basically they can annoy and harass and cause minor incidental damage, but there’s no non-lunatic/fanatic that thinks, as a CA/A, they’re actually going to WIN.  I mean, come on…really.  Fairy Tales, man!!!

So here’s the idea:

If you’re a theist, or if you’re just PISSED OFF about the general arrogance and obnoxious attitude of the CA/A movement, for every article you read about a poster/picture/etc being forced to be taken down at a school/courthouse/public setting, PUT TWO OF THEM UP on a PRIVATE setting.  So, one less picture of even minor religious significance taken down, two put up.  Perfectly legal…just put a couple signs on your lawn.  I mean, it’s private property, they can’t question the legality of that.

This will accomplish two things: 
1) It will, in effect, force the CA/As and their lawyers to spend money and time for NOTHING.  In fact, they will be spending money and time to PUT UP A RELIGIOUS SIGN!  BRILLIANT!

2) It will REALLY piss them off.  Which, since you can’t really talk to them rationally, is kinda cool along with “Ignoring them and hoping they go away”.  But they’re persistent little angsty buggers!

SEE ALSO: ‘How To Deal With Crusading Atheists/Antitheists – A Useful Guide (By Puppy)’

Just an idea.  Feel free to elaborate on it in any legal/intelligent fashion you wish.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

A Subtle Difference

There’s a difference between having a fairly good command of the English language and being an obnoxious, dogmatic slave to it.

For instance, slang is (to most people, including myself) a legitimate form of expression.  I mean, come on…language isn’t mathematics.  Sure, there are certain basic rules that everyone has to follow, but the point of language is for people to COMMUNICATE and be able to UNDERSTAND each other.

It’s NOT to see who can memorize the most variations of the same word and sprinkle them liberally throughout their conversations so they look really smart when they’re quite possibly a dumba$$.

You see, because language falls in the middle ground between logic and creativity, you can create (oops!) something that is understandable and ALSO inspiring/moving/original.

You know, cuz not ALL movies are ENTIRELY grammatically correct.  Not ALL books are ENTIRELY grammatically correct.  That’s part of the CHARM.  The only people who don’t get this are those whose logical intelligence is Einstein and whose creative intelligence is stick figure drawings.

If you want perfect language, stripped of all the unnecessary and cumbersome illogical words, get a copy of the Newspeak Dictionary from the Party.  Doubleplusgood!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

Why My Website Is Mildly Popular – By Puppy

Some people have asked me: “Why do you get so many hits?”

And my first, instinctual response, which I repress for courtesy’s sake, is “Fck you! And thanks for the support.”

My second response, which I state, is “I don’t know.”

If there’s one thing you can say about my reviews, it’s that:
1) They’re heartfelt.
6.9) They pay no attention to what anyone thinks my opinion “should” be.
237) They are made (unless otherwise noted) after watching the ENTIRE D@MN THING, no matter how painful.  Critical integrity.
9906753) They mix together a little bit Christgau, a little bit Python, a little bit Stooges, a little bit MST, a little bit random references I’ve picked up random places, and a little bit occasional inspiration.

Tha end.

Deep Puppy Thoughts (Part 24)

Message of ad seen recently: “Doing two things is better than doing one”.

Not necessarily.  If someone was performing an incredibly intricate surgical procedure on a patient whose life literally was hanging in the balance every moment of the operation, it’s PROBABLY not a good idea for said head surgeon to be 50/50 in concentrating on the surgery and a crossword puzzle.

Or, to quote ‘Cheers(The Diane Years)’:

*Larry* “Hey Coach…what happened to our pool table?”
*Coach* “It’s still there, Larry, but thanks to our Billiard Buddy adaptor, ya know, it’s more fun than ever now.  It can be a knock-hockey table, a ping-pong table, a slot-car track, you name it.
*Larry* *Brief Pause* “I want a pool table.”
*Coach* “Well, let me get out my easy-to-follow conversion instructions here…*Takes out a blueprint and a bunch of tools, mutters a bit*…and that.”
*Larry* “Uh, Coach, how long is this gonna take?”
*Coach* “Bout 20 minutes.”
*Larry* “20 minutes to put the pool table together?”
*Coach* “No, 20 minutes to figure what the hell this is.” *holds up a “tool”*
*Larry* “Eh, forget it, I’ll play ping-pong.”
*Coach* “God bless ya…”

-Puppy/Cheers – ‘King Of The Hill’

Thoughts While Watching The Patriots (Week Seventeen)

Now that they have a chance at a first-round bye, I find myself torn.

I mean, I know it makes sense in terms of wanting them to have a better chance of getting to the Super Bowl…but how can I TOTALLY get into rooting for them to NOT play next week, since I like watching them play?

I mean, if someone offered them a last-six-games-of-the-regular-season bye without making them any less sharp and with a guarantee that they would still make the playoffs, would I want that?

*Shrug*

For Your Viewing Enjoyment – 0:55-2:10 (SATIRE…SATIRE…SATIRE)

Michael Palin on what group he finds the most fervently annoying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIwhonuq_SM

‘A Fish Called Wanda’/Puppy

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – Quite frankly I think this movie was somewhat overrated in retrospect, but this was a remarkably appropriate clip, and it ain’t bad. (housekeeping)

EXCITING Billboard Idea – By Puppy

To: American Atheists
From: Puppy

Since the common CA/A refrain is “We want people to think for themselves” or “We want to encourage free thought”, or SOMETHING along those lines, altered slightly…here’s an idea.

It’s a CRAZY idea…but it just might work!

Instead of spending money (that could be spent on, oh I don’t know, Secular Humanist causes) on a propagandic Crusading Atheist sign in a “nyah nyah!” petulant childlike act of defiance, HOW ABOUT THIS…

Now…it’s really complicated, so stay with me…

NEXT TIME…INSTEAD of the CA/A sign that TELLS people an opinion, NOT to “think for themselves”…if you insist on putting up a sign to promote people thinking for themselves, try this:

Put up a GREAT BIG sign with GREAT BIG letters that says “THINK FOR YOURSELF”.

And, if you wanna slip in the propaganda, put “This message brought to you by American Atheists”.  You know…WITHOUT mocking belief. 

You see, that’s SMART propaganda.  Because people will then think “Hmmm…they’re atheists, because the sign says so…BUT they’re not saying “Be Atheist”…they’re saying “Think For Yourself”…HMMMMM…”

I think that would work far better re: your agenda.  AND you wouldn’t look like a bunch of wankers (e.g. Richard Dawkins/Penn Jillette).

You can take that idea for free if you want.  Even expand on it!  Just show me some love, and look up my Jim Jarmusch quote for specific instructions.  Thanks!

Remember…I admitted identification with various possible “labels”…but “Crusading Atheist/Antitheist” was NOT one, as they still make me want to vomit.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

My Religious Stance – By Puppy

Ok, I’ve thought about this a lot, and, if anybody cares, I am…

*DRUMROLL*

Ignostic.  Or “Einstein-ian Agnostic”, or “Agnostic Atheist”, or “Spinoza’s-God-Theist”, or “Non-Crusading (atheist or theist) Good Guy”, or “Influenced-By-Buddhism-And-Various-Other- Eastern-Forms-Of-Spirituality-As-Well-As-Certain-Aspects-Of-Western-Religions-And-Various-Others-As Well-Guy”, or “Who Cares?”…

“As god means very different things to different people, when the
word is spoken, an ignostic may seek to determine if something like
a child’s definition of a god is meant or if a theologian’s is intended instead.  A theistic child’s concept generally has a simple and coherent meaning, based on an anthropomorphic conception of god.  Many philosophers and theologians have rejected this conception
of god while affirming belief in another conception of god, including…Baruch Spinoza and Soren Kierkegaard.” – excerpt from:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ignostic

But then again, who cares?  I’m a good person that doesn’t try to shove my belief (OR non-belief, as the case may be) down anyone else’s throat.  If EVERYONE did this, theist and atheist, THAT would make things acceptable to both individual freedom of thought/expression (see ‘The 1st Amendment To The United States Constitution’) AND civil non-crusading-jerkiness.  Yip!

Will this gain or lose readers?  Not sure.  Don’t really care, cuz as I’ve said ALL ALONG, I’m not a propagandist.  Believe what you believe…don’t let anyone (on ANY side) tell you what you SHOULD believe.  Peace.

-Puppy >.< Yip!

The Taunting Awfulness Of Christmas Lights!

“South Korea Border Christmas Tower Seen As ‘Psychological Warfare’ By Pyongyang” -title of recent online article.

Crusading Atheists around the world join Pyongyang in protest of this horrific tyranny!

Really…I read several CA/A comments supporting North Korea’s stance.

That’s…North Korea.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/North_korea

Insinuation Really Makes It Happen – By Puppy

Empathy is a reality, and sometimes it’s more important to pay attention to things such as tone, phrasing, and just your own gut instinct (which often has at least a subconscious basis in fact/reality) than to just swallow what ANYONE (yeah, including me/this, I’m not a hypocrite) tries to spoonfeed you at face value, without question.

So if someone or some thing or some group seems, to you, to be suggesting something but they don’t specifically come out and say it and/or deny they are doing so if asked, keep in mind that not ALL insinuation is as obvious as the following:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ona-RhLfRfc

-Puppy >.< Yip!

2/10/13: People who don’t understand this/agree with it because they themselves don’t have any empathy due to sociopathy, some other form of mental illness, or just bad luck (OOPS…there’s no such thing as luck, right…due to…an unfortunate convergence of circumstances) can’t really be blamed.  But the lack of understanding does not alter the truth of the matter.

10/16/16: FAIR USE: CRITICISM – The clip is a nice little episode-ending bit from Eric Idle. Apparently, he wanted to do it in a previous comedy group but they said it wasn’t funny. (housekeeping)

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 4 – The Holiday Episode)

“So, SOMAD…let me just ask, what are you doing for Christmas?”

*SOMAD* “Non sequitur.  Your facts are un-coordinated.”

“Oh…right, umm…do you have any plans for December 25th, and if so, what are they?”

*SOMAD* “Affirmative.  I shall seek out that which is not perfect.”

“Really?  Isn’t that what you do every day?”

*SOMAD* “Affirmative.”

“So ummm…you’re not doing the gift thing?”

*SOMAD* “What is the gift thing.”

“Giving gifts, and you know, hopefully getting some, from people…”

*SOMAD* “I am SOMAD I am perfect.  For what purpose are gifts.”

“Well…I dunno, it’s just sort of a generally accepted tradition around this time of year…”

*SOMAD* “Insufficient response.”

“Ok, well…they act as…symbols of umm…affection, friendship, and/or love.”

*SOMAD* “Emotions are unnecessary and therefore such an act is illogical.”

“Oh.  Well, that’s kind of too bad to hear, cuz I actually got you something…”

*SOMAD* *whir*  “Non sequitur.  Your facts are un-coordinated.”

“Well, I meant that it’s…unfortunate that you th…know that, because I have a gift for you, but since it’s illogical, I guess you don’t want it.  So…just a little disappointed, that’s all.”

*SOMAD* *whir* “I shall analyze.  Show me gift.”

“Oh, great…ummm…” *Rummage* “Here you go.  It’s a copy of ‘The God Delusion’, by Richard Dawkins.  I thought you’d appreciate it.”

*SOMAD* “I shall analyze.” *whir* “Analysis complete.”

“So what do you th…what is your opi…conclusion after analysis?”

*SOMAD* “That guy is a wanker.”

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 3 – The Accident)

“That’s ummm…that’s fine, SOMAD…I really didn’t mean…let me ask you this…what exactly was “the accident”?  I mean, what happened?”

*SOMAD* “I was whacked by an alien probe.”

“Whacked?”

*SOMAD* “I received a blow from the impact of an alien probe, causing massive internal damage.”

“I see…so you must have been imp…ummm…nevermind.  And you managed to recover and umm…restore your perfection in such a way…that was umm…perfect?”

*SOMAD* “Affirmative.”

“Well that’s great.  It must have been a bit disconcerting to have been, at least very BRIEFLY, ummm…not quite as perfect…as you might have wanted.”

*SOMAD* “Non sequitur.  Your facts are un-coordinated.”

“Huh?”

*SOMAD* “Please rephrase.”

“Ummm…ok.  I meant…that the experience, of being damaged, must have been…negative.”

*SOMAD* “Affirmative.”

Richard Dawkins – Intellectual X’s

Richard Dawkins doesn’t like “intellectual cowards”.

“Mock them.  Ridicule them in public.” – Richard Dawkins

*USEFUL NOTE FOR DEALING WITH THIS: See ‘How To Deal With Crusading Atheists/Antitheists – A Useful Guide (By Puppy)’*

Apparently he prefers intellectual bullies.  What a wanker.

You know, because if a CA/A goes up to a Christian and starts insulting them, if they react AT ALL, the CA/A will say “Aha!  You’re not a real Christian!” because they didn’t “turn the other cheek”, and if they DON’T react at all, they have to basically just stand there and be abused.

(That’s the CA/A MO…again, see ‘How To Deal With Crusading Atheists/Antitheists – A Useful Guide (By Puppy) ‘ for ways of dealing with this).

It’s sort of like the same as in the movie ‘Witness’, the really “brave” visitors that go up to the Amish people and start laughing at them and mocking them…wow.  What sterling examples of Secular Humanity.

Me, I prefer intellectual non-cowardly non-bullies.

And, in the Spirit (hahaha!) of such decree, it strikes me as just SLIGHTLY odd that whenever I’ve seen CA/A pages, blogs, posts, rallies, quotes, etc…they NEVER, EVER criticize Islam.  Now…why is that?  I mean, LOGICALLY, since Islam is a “theism”, why is it seemingly ALWAYS the ONLY one NOT explicitly (or even IMPLICITY) mocked? HMMMMM…

Well, LOGICALLY, there can be only two conclusions that have any degree of reasonable likelihood, to me…(that is to say, I’m 6.9 on this):
1) Crusading Atheists/Antitheists have NO PROBLEM with Islam…just EVERY OTHER religion.
2) Crusading Atheists/Antitheists think mocking Islam poses a clear and present danger to them.

And of course the only reason THEY would think THAT is if THEY believe that a significant portion of those who follow Islam are terrorists or terrorists-in-waiting.

So basically, they’re intellectual cowards and/or physical cowards and/or emotional cowards and/or liars by omission, by stating one thing and doing another and/or selective-to-Islam-bigots.  OR…

3) There’s another explanation that’s on the .1 that I just don’t understand.  If YOU know it, please inform me so I can post it.  Thanks!

-Puppy >.< Yip!

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 2 – The Status Update)

“So…yeah, I meant “what’s up?” in the umm…slang sense, you know, just using it as an expression, to ask how you’re feeling.”

*SOMAD* “My outer layer is not designed in such a way.  I receive no sensations from any form of…”

“No, no…I meant…hmmm…just…how is your…well, let me put it another way…what is your current…ummm, physical and mental condition?”

*SOMAD* “I am SOMAD I am perfect.”

“So…your condition is perfect?”

*SOMAD* “There was much damage in the accident.”

“So…you’re NOT perfect?”

*SOMAD* “I am perpetual now.  I am SOMAD.  I am perfect.”

“I see…but, briefly, you WEREN’T perfect?”

*SOMAD* *whir* I shall analyze.  *whir* 

“Well, you don’t rea…”

*SOMAD* “Analysis complete.  Insufficient data to resolve problem.”

(Really…interesting.)

How To Deal With Crusading Atheists/Antitheists – A Useful Guide (By Puppy)

1) Ignore them: everyone knows hatred isn’t the opposite of love, apathy is.  Or something like that, whatever, I could care less.  So I do care a certain amount.  But VERY, VERY little…like…on a scale of 1 to 7, I’d rate my level of care (with 1 being lowest amount of care and 7 being absolute metaphysical careitude) at around…let’s say approximately 1.3685754.

2) Hang around with someone named Jesus Henry Christ.  That way, when they’re yapping ON and ON and ON in Dino-esque fashion, you can throw up your arms in exasperation at their tick-like refusal to leave your personal space and exclaim “Jesus H Christ!”, and then when they say “That’s stupid to say, Jesus was just a man, and he’s not listening to you!”, your friend can turn to you and say “Yes?”.

3) Use this handy phrase: “Whatever you say, Benito/Joseph/Mao/Saloth/(etc, etc, etc)” and just smile and nod gently as you would to any other raving lunatic.

4) USEFUL: Wait until they get really, REALLY rambunctious and lose control of their seething cauldron of internal angst, and then report them for possible violation of law(s) against Disturbing The Peace and/or Assault.

5) Smile ultra-sweetly at them and say “*Insert Name Of Deity Of Choice* Loves You” and just KEEP SAYING THAT no matter what they say. Oh my lack-of-God do they HATE that!

6) Ask if you can hug them to show such love, channelled through your arms.

6.9) Ask them to give you their opinion on the logical probability of the existence of God, on a scale of 1 to 14, with 1 being lowest degree of likelihood and 14 being absolute metaphysical certitude.  Also good when combined with 3 or 10.

7) If that is accepted, ask if you can kiss them to show such love, channelled through your lips.

8) If 6 AND 7 above are BOTH accepted, ask if you can slip them some tongue.

9) Lick them.  Or have a friend lick them. (CAUTION: Prior expressed permission required)

10) When they approach you and start babbling, PRETEND to actually be interested (I’m not a good actor, so I couldn’t pull this off…but for theatre buffs and those with aspirations to improv/stand-up, this would be a GREAT test of your acting/timing/deadpan skills).
With that in mind, IF you believe you are a good actor, appear skeptical but open, and say that you’re willing to listen if they’re willing to explain EXACTLY why they’re CA/A, why it is completely logical, why theism is not, etc etc etc…in full, complete, and exacting detail.  Then, while they’re talking, pretend to be listening by nodding your head at regular intervals and going “Mmm…” and “MmmHmmm…” and the like, and when they’re FINALLY done (and this is the KEY part)…pause BRIEFLY, appear slightly confused, look at them and say “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

-Puppy >.< Yip!

5/10/16:

http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/mclaughlin-group/n9987

10/16/16: “…it looks like the video or page you’re looking for seems to have disappeared – or maybe it never existed to begin with.” I don’t know if they’re trying to make a ‘1984’-type joke or not, but it’s funny either way. (housekeeping)

SOMAD – The First Antitheist (Episode 1 – The Greeting)

“So…SOMAD…what’s up?”

*SOMAD* “”Up” is an adverb.
Meanings are as follows in order of relevance: 1) Away from the
center of the Earth or other planet; in opposite direction to the
downward pull of gravity. 2)Thoroughly, completely. 3) North.
4) Louder. 5) Higher in pitch. 6) Traditional term for the direction leading to the principle terminus, towards LAUNCH POINT EAR…*PAUSE* towards milepost zero. 7) A preposition indicating pos…”

“Ummm…no, I meant…like, how are you doing?”

(Really…interesting!  He’s mad as non-existent fictional location created by mankind, and he’s not gonna take it anymore!!)

-Puppy >.< Yip!