Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

…and everywhere the sounds and smells of men enjoying themselves.

Homo-erotic overtones, certainly, but there’s nothing wrong with that. Just sayin’.

It’s…hard to review.

At times it approaches cloying, laughable sentimentality. At other times, it’s interesting and engaging. Moving, even.

Great performance by Kirk Douglas.

The sleazy slave owner I find quite good, as well.

Play “Spot the inept fool scumbag leader”…is that intentional, or bad acting? *shrug*

Around 35 minutes in I found myself looking forward to the rest of the 3:17. I guess only a fool doubts Stanley Kubrick.

I’ve seen so many things that are falsely or badly or overly dramatic (Thanks, MST3K) that it’s difficult to separate the good from the bad in these situations.

Did ‘Gladiator’ steal the “Entertained!” moment from this?? (You’ll know it when you see it: YOU make the call!)

From 19-bleepin’-60 and I find it MOVING??? Wow…there is hope.

A bit too…obvious at points. Simplistic. But sometimes things *are* simple.

A bit pretentious at times. Oh well…then better…

Hmmmm…

Ok, it’s not perfect. But it’s a somewhat flawed work that’s definitely worth watching.

I certainly love the message.

Inspirational Quote: “I do know that we’re brothers. And I know that we’re free.”

Grade: B+

Nice panning intro, showing natural “life”.

A couple almost hits a young woman, who seems to be running away from someone/something.

They bring her to a nearby “Women’s Clinic”.

Interesting subject that at least at first seems pretty well-written.

Things quickly escalate in the (very controversial) fight over (what constitutes) life that ends up costing lots of life.

The horror movie part begins about halfway through, either via insanity or an evil monster.

The story puts the abortion debate to an extreme scenario featuring something potentially monstrous as “life”.

Featuring Ron Perlman doing a pretty convincing job.

37:34 – Wow, that’s a lot of water.

Gets VERY disturbing as it gets closer and closer to the climax. And the climax isn’t totally obvious.

Ewww…yikes…

Ok, yes, the climax was what I expected, but it *could have* been something else.

The post-climax pre-ending is (not haha) funny considering Ron Perlman is involved.

I like the ending.

All in all, it has its down moments, but it’s a pretty good one.

Grade: C+

We get to see Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton really stretch their wings as legitimate actors here.

D@mn. That was a failure.

WTF is Stuart Gordon’s problem with cats?

This is a really bad movie. If you like Jeffrey Combs and/or cheeze a whole lot, you might get a kick out of it. Or at least some mild enjoyment.

Otherwise it’s a waste of time.

Inspirational Quote: “My God…this mirror broke!…maybe there was a sudden change in temperature…”

Grade: F

The two people involved in this film that might draw you to it (John A. Russo and Tom Savini) see it as a complete and total POS, so don’t be drawn by them.

Savini’s poorly-acted character acts like a dumba$$ in terms of danger recognition, allowing him to perform some incredibly lame “stunts”.

Russo supposedly wanted to quit multiple times but didn’t want to make the others lose a few months’ work.

Horrible script, acting, directing, and dubbing. A pleasure to mock.

20:34 – Really pathetic action sequence.

The actors sometimes seem to be just waiting to spew out their next line(s), to either get it over with or to make sure they don’t fck it up.

Horrible.

Grade: F

A world gone horribly wrong, but who cares?

It’s just lots of competent grossness and nastiness.

Predictable twist near the end.

Grade: F

Chuckleworthy from the time you first see the “Samurai” star and his cap/hair combo.

Great silly-reaction faces by the Eddie Murphy wanna-be partner throughout. And he tends to look at the camera, as if to make sure everyone saw that he was doing his best Eddie Murphy. But I’ve seen Axel F. I’ve enjoyed Axel F. Guy in this film, you’re no Axel F.

Consistently horrible, all the way through. Directing, acting, continuity, “Sexy” dialogue, non-sexy dialogue, foley, voiceovers, “action”, bad synth, gruff police sergeant trope…it’s all there, and it all sucks.

The wearing-as-tiny-stuff-as-possible implied sex scene is so incredibly unsexy it might put you off sex for a bit.

Horrendous, awful fun if you’re in the mood…an hour and a half of torture if you’re not.

Inspirational Quote: “…shoot!…shoot him!…shoot!…shoot him!…shoot! shoot him! ya got him!”

Grade: F-

Intro spoiler: You don’t actually get to see her pee.

Inane travel dialogue 101.

There’s some SCARY, FOREBODING music that swells repeatedly as the dialogue and acting remain sh1tty/laughable.

The characters encountered that are presumably meant to explicitly foreshadow dirty deeds and suspense and horror and all that fun stuff instead foreshadow a sh1tty, laughable movie.

The diner scene reminded me slightly of ‘Birdemic’, though I won’t say it’s quite as bad as that.

An attempt to create a REALLY creepy guy succeeds, I suppose, though even then the dialogue and acting make it closer to comedic.

After about 24 and a half minutes of extreme sh1ttiness it does admittedly have a creepy scene. Let’s see if it can go anywhere…

Well, it does improve markedly when noone says anything.

The idea for the movie is really creepy, too bad it’s made SO badly.

Definitely some disturbing scenes, but since it’s not convincing it’s not particularly scary.

And if you like really demented, blood and guts type stuff, this movie insinuates more than shows.

You’re better off with hardcore Asian horror, which I despise; but hey, you might not.

The very ending isn’t all that bad. So like…skip to 1:12:00 after you’ve seen enough opening cr@p if you wanna see it.

Grade: F

Over-the-top DRAMATIC music.

Is it SUPPOSED to get funny in a head-shakingly absurd way? Because it does.

A peg (table) leg. Great new angle on the zombie genre.

Horrible, laughable junk.

Inspirational Quote: “Stop crying over fcken…spilt milk!”

Grade: F-

Like ‘Patient Seven’, sort of, except there are fewer patients and it’s much cheezier. And lots of really bad haircuts.

Patient One: Oh come on. More silly than scary.

Patient Two: Even sillier.

Patient Three: Ummmm…not as silly, tolerable…but cheezy FX.

Patient Four: Silly again.

And then…oh gawd. Well, it’s got a BIT of creepiness rising over the Sea of Cheeze. But…

Safely skip it.

Grade: F

Opening: “It’s…”

Just another cr@ppy zombie flick.

Some “THRILLING” horror music around 24 minutes in that’s actually pretty “omg” eye-roll inducing.

Suggestion: Speed walking. Problem solved.

1:05:50 – A really EXCITING scene starts…
1:07:55 – Phew…thank God that’s over.

Useless.

Inspirational Quote From Another Movie: “They’re so slow…we could just walk right past ’em; we wouldn’t even have to run…”

Grade: F

It stinks.

Hey, it’s got the Schofield Kid from ‘Unforgiven’. That’s very mildly interesting. But he kinda sucks here.

So it’s a woman that is seeking revenge for something in her past…and it gets dark and tries to get spooky/creepy.

Hey, nice corny passage-of-time montage around 55 minutes in.

If you like thrillers that aren’t particularly thrilling cuz they’re TV movie sh1t (and don’t have gratuitous nudity, D@MN) then this will really fit the bill.

Grade: F

Cool intro.

Two people seeking help near where their ship has struck a rock find the people on shore extremely unusual, and it’s made quite visually clear that they have a very fishy aspect and don’t like visitors.

That’s right, a fishy requisite-t-t-t-t.

They also have a church dedicated to a being named Dagon who has taken over the regular church and demands human sacrifices.

So they sell their souls (or looks, at least) for ritual sacrifice and a whole barrel full of fish. Uh huh.

Nice statue-acting by the innkeeper.

Lots of atmosphere that quickly turns into a somewhat disturbing action-fest.

Some decent creepy FX.

A secondary encountered character provides some backstory for the whole fishy-cult thing.

The battle royale fight scene is kinda laughable.

And then there’s lots of cultists/lead character interactions.

The female who seems to be in charge of the cultists is intriguing, both to the lead and to me.

Lots of filler, though.

Grade: D

I was about to stop this several times until Patient Two (the Saran Wrap guy) started his flashback. Because, quite frankly, it was really generic and dull. Like a piece of hackwork done for money featuring one name actor (Michael Ironside) past his prime and needing the money.

Then it started getting at least a *bit* (and just a bit) interesting with the prim and proper (and unusually straightforward) murderer.

Patient Two: He and a dead body wrapped in Saran Wrap get into some darkly comic misadventures one Halloween night, as people he encounters of course don’t believe that his “costume” (‘American Psycho’ lite) is very real. His attitude remains prim and proper, answering as if “in character” as a serial killer rather easily cuz like…it’s real. I think it’s a brilliant premise but the movie doesn’t make much more than the bare minimum of it. A nice try though, and very good posture.

Patient Three: A zombie story. Yay, can’t get too many of those. Almost entirely generic…pretty sick twist the only object of interest.

Patient Four: Fairly interesting flashback story of a rather unusual friendship. Simple, and probably the best of them.

Patient Five: Absolutely brilliant/utterly laughable, if only for the Monty Python rip/recall. Oh, ummm…the story is about a little girl and a possible imaginary friend/demon/something that the girl’s older sister tries to dispel. She apparently succeeds, but shortly thereafter the demon comes back, and it seems like things are NOT as they SEEM. *shrug* Whatever.

Patient Six: Guy that believes in vampires. Flashback to murders. He looks vaguely like…someone. Meh.

Patient Seven: No, that would be telling. *shrug* Anyways it’s more mysterious for you this way. And in all fairness, I was more worried about writing seven reviews than guessing one ending.

Wait, it seems cliche now…

I have a terrible feeling of Deja Vu…

Wait, I have…I have a terrible feeling of Deja Vu, I-

That extraordinary feeling…hmmmm…quite extraordinary…

The whole thing’s got a fine sheen of smelly, money-hungry professionalism that really turns me off.

Here’s the thing: There are seven different mini-movies here, and many interconnecting segments. So none of the writers had to do much more than come up with one jump-scare, or one quirky twist, or one unexpected “ahhhhh…” revelation. I mean, that just encourages laziness.

Overall result, when you get through all the setup and BS: Very minor horror movie with some (few) high points.

Inspirational Quote: “Dealer; pimp; Chelsea fan. That’s three strikes right there.”

Grade: D

It’s…tolerable buildup until around 1:20. Then the creepiness actually hits and makes it somewhat interesting.

Conform…conform…conform…

Grade: D+

Mark Duplass, Creepy Re-Animator? I think not.

His character is actually a lot more like the father from Stephen King’s ‘Pet Sematary’ than Lovecraft’s demented lunatic.

Why? Because his intent is at least SOMEWHAT pro-life/pro-humanity/pro-love, admittedly twisted/skewed/somewhat blinded.

That doesn’t make his experiments acceptable, but it does make them a lot more understandable than Herbert West’s ghastly obsession-driven ones.

22:51 (and others) – Does Duplass have “lots of jump-scares” written into his contracts?

56:29 – Hello, Mary Lou.

The buildup is decent…it keeps your attention as things move closer and closer to the expected payoff and uncertain resolution.

But the idea isn’t fully realized, the characters seem uninspired at times, and the plot seems a bit strung together.

Actual length: About 1:17:30.

The ending is interesting if you both a) enjoyed ‘Pet Sematary’ and b) were craving ONE MORE jump-scare.

Grade: D+

Well, it certainly makes me feel a bit butter (err better) about myself.

It’s gross in a fairly-clever-but-I-refuse-to-say-“well”-written sort of way til about 23 minutes in; then the zombie-ish-ness starts.

Is it a satire on people in general as being pretty nasty? As fighting their own kind, which not even fcken ZOMBIES do?

Or is it a guy making a movie about fat guys running and then gross sight/sound gags (major fart quotient) before the obligatory zombies?

Dunno. But I did actually sort of enjoy it, for whatever the hell it is.

Checking in at:
35:40 – ok…
47:45 – Yeah baby! Now there’s a title confusion for ya! (still fairly clever).
1:03:19 – mmmhmm.
1:14:44 – ok…
1:16:31 – gratuitous nudity!
Ending – weak.

Oh God it hurts. But still…

Inspirational Quote: “The truth is, your movie is a steaming pile of sh1t nuggets, with the production value of a home video shot by a deaf, blind amputee that is drunk on cheap gin. Please consider quitting filmmaking altogether.”

Grade: D+

I have no love for Christian Bale’s acting, and that is a major impediment in beginning to actually CARE while watching this. Meh.

The action scenes are good right from the start, on the other hand. I mean, literally, it ZOOMS into action. Impressive.

It certainly is dark…not for the faint of heart if you want the good guy to always win. Harsh.

LOTS of cool action scenes/explosions, actually…it just doesn’t let up. Very impressive FX.

Full of sound and fury, certainly. And not insignificant.

It certainly aroused some fury in me, but even more at Bateman’s gelding-snipped Batman than Ledger’s very-well-performed Joker.

The Joker’s arguments are, of course, bullsh1t. Anarchy sucks. But to be able to make me even THINK about them is an achievement.

If you find it slow, hang in there…it’s better nearer the end. And even better better nearer nearer the end. And…the end.

Now, to philosophize:

– NO HURT DOGGIES!!!

– I don’t find Batman’s “one rule” heroic or noble. I find it cowardly; the last bastion of one who is unable to put what SHOULD really matter first above all else.

– If someone threatened the lives of those *I* love, I wouldn’t kill them either. I would make the SLOTH “victim” from the movie ‘Seven’ look infinitely merciful in comparison. (Perhaps paraphrasing myself).

“I’ll give you a blood transfusion just to keep you alive.” (Perhaps paraphrasing K. Kristofferson).

I have to say, I was moved. Was it my mood? Certainly part of it…but I have to appreciate the quality in any case.

Inspirational Quote: “Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.”

Grade: B+

So fcken SLOW to start, with nothing at all to indicate it will be anything but generic cr@p.

It does get a little interesting after a bit, though…the silent zombie screams are cool.

This movie dares to be boring, no doubt; but by about 31 minutes in I actually WANTED to keep watching.

42:26 – ’28 Days Later’ ripoff.

Sort of like ’28 Days Later’, actually, except that the intro-and-subsequent-solo-guy-plus-infected/zombies-only interaction goes on ’til about 1:02:15.

Hmmmmm…’Cast Away’ vibes? He does have a Wilson-ish partner.

He’s pretty good, actually. It’s KIND OF different, that’s gotta be worth SOMETHING by now with zombie movies.

Definitely interesting near the ending, with a pretty cool metaphor.

1:15:40 – END: Pay close attention.

This one actually makes you think, the “caged” metaphor being only the most obvious of them.

By the end, I’m surprised…pretty good stuff. Give it a shot if you have any interest in this genre.

I’d like to give it a higher grade, I really would…but there’s just too much dull, filler-type buildup.

Cut this down to an hour or so, it’s a B+.

That’s necessary filler/minor hint of things to come/necessary filler/minor hint of things to come/etc…/10 minute ending montage.

Grade: B-

Quentin Tarantino uses his undisputed talent to make good movies, and then makes them worse with his dumb-a$$, stupid, laughable, dull, and/or annoying self-indulgences.

This is the best (worst) example thus far.

Why does he do it? Because he’s Quentin *bleepin* Tarantino, that’s why.

Lots of good scenes, lots of unnecessary cr@p.

Chapter One:

I don’t find the pipe funny, just absurd for the sake of it.

Christoph Waltz does a very good job being absurd at the same time as believable…the pipe is merely absurd.

And, unlike assumed intent, it’s NOT funny. It’s just…stupid. As if Tarantino himself is daring you not to like it.

Well, good job Cutie.

Chapter Two:

The Hugo Stiglitz intro is…ridiculously absurd, not funny. It – and others like it – are like much of the last season of ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’ : absurdity without the humor. Which is just pitiful and annoying. And a waste of surrounding (good) material.

And so on, and so on…

Fair with partly sh1tty.

Grade: C

Nice little intro. FX hinted at: (Limited but) fairly impressive.

It’s a found-footage film for the most part, and is at least convincing in that.

I like the little distractions that seem realistic and have nothing to do with the plot.

Decent callback around 1:13:30.

All that being said, it never REALLY gets “good”. It’s an object of (limited) interest.

Grade: D+

Worthless, wretched zombie genre exploitation with (maybe) a couple comedic moments.

Grade: F-

Creepy, at the very start. But that’s the problem: it never gets any creepier, like they shot their wad on a compelling intro to pull in the viewers.

There are some nasty visuals throughout, but not as many as you’d like in a movie where that’s the only thing of real interest. And if you struggle through movies with nasty visuals because you want to hang in there for the acting and storytelling and character development…yikes. Never, never, never watch this.

Starts getting pretentious and unbelievable not too far in.

Character connections and conflicts and just interactions in general seem a bit forced; done out of necessity.

Lots of overacting – especially the cop. And the characters’ personalities seem to shift rather than maintain or evolve.

It’s poorly written and – for the most part – poorly acted.

Lowered a notch for screwing up such a simple horror concept.

Canada, what happened to you?

Inspirational Quote: “It’s ASTRO-NOMICAL!”

Grade: F

It’s almost all a conversation/debate/conflict/etc between two entities.

The acting is pretty good, I think. The psychiatrist is rock-solid if somewhat overshadowed, and the “demon” is quite impressive, I think…very interesting, if a bit too much of a blinker.

Lots to think about, I think…a lot of interesting questions are asked, a lot of interesting statements are made.

Lots of anger, frustration, push-pull…

There’s a great section of discussion that I can really relate to, regarding the wisdom of a battle against an omnipotent creator…regarding “the moral of the thing” in unwinnable struggles.

Stupidity/Insanity or Bravery/Courageous Defiance.

Creepy…certainly at least somewhat intriguing…somewhat “original”…

Not a masterpiece, certainly…some predictable moments, some cheezy moments…

Moving at times though, also, certainly…again, a nice intellectual boxing match from both actors.

I wonder…am I sad, or glad, that it’s not a masterpiece? Because if it was, it would be HORRIFYING.

33:59-39:00 – Great discussion, nice to have it done so well.

If it’s trying to “make a statement”, to “convert” (so to speak) to any religious/moral IRL position, I’m not buying it.

Thank…God?

Interesting and thought-provoking and disturbing though, at least somewhat, and I’m glad I watched it.

There are times when I think “Ok, this is starting to fall apart…” but it never really totally does.

But I hate the ‘Blair Witch’ attempt to pretend it’s meaningful in any way by talking about “demonic manifestations” and an exorcism reportedly taking place on set during production.

You don’t have to be Christian to be Good. You don’t have to be an atheist to be Evil. And vice-versa: there is no intrinsic connection between religion and morality.

Good and Evil is a question of morality. Choose to be Good, please. And do so because you BELIEVE in doing so, regardless of religion (or lack thereof).

FAIR USE: CRITICISM – And anyway, this question has already been answered, like it or not:

Nice ending, too.

Inspirational Quote: “I mean…what happens to an atheist uh, that is confronted by Demonic Evil?”

Grade: B-

Cr@ppy “infected” flick that’s completely unrelated to Romero’s ‘Dead’ series.

Haha…interesting dining room scene, I must say. Around 1:27:55.

There’s an ‘Evil Dead’-ish funny moment or two, but pretty much everything else is a waste of your time.

Actual length: 1:39:09

Inspirational Quote: “I always hated your food.”

Grade: D-

Four “Episodes” after a decent intro segment.

First:

A pissed-off, outspoken racist man has some extremely unpleasant experiences that alter his views on people in general.
1 – Pretty good
2 – Obvious/Cliche, and
3 – Obvious/Watch out for snakes!

The ending doesn’t get maudlin, thankfully, in the true spirit of the original series.

Second:

Boring and cliche take on aging and the desire to be young again.

Fresh young minds. Nom nom nom…

Third:

Modern update of sorts on ‘It’s A Good Life’, one of the best TZ episodes ever.

Definite creepy feeling when you realize (if you hadn’t been prepared for it) what’s up and wonder where it will take you, as the upside is definitely enticing.

I won’t ruin that other than to say that it delivers, at least somewhat. I was pretty impressed, actually.

Worth a watch.

Fourth:

(Singing) “Only (an inferior and unnecessary ‘Nightmare At 20,000 Feet’ remake) pads the film…”

Decent extro segment.

Quite frankly I think only the intro/extro, first-of-the-first and third are worthy of viewing.

Grade: D+

I couldn’t imagine a dumber opening, given the title of the “film”.

Main Street field, walking as a robot trying to be a human (Phantom Creeping), creepy waitress scene…

I’ve got a good idea of my grade, barring a miracle…now, to relax and enjoy with the occasional comment.

– A riveting response to Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car”.
– FREEZE FRAME
– Imagine random out of place printouts
– The Clap
– Rotting Carcass
– Calm panning shots
– The Bird Blitz

Then it gets BAD.

Truly horrendous in every way.

A must-see.

Inspirational Quote: “Congratulations!”

Grade: F-

I’m just here for the shower scene, basically. (Around 1:04:15, if you’re interested).

But hey, I am an unprofessional critic, and so I will of course watch the whole thing (and review it, vis the words you’re reading now) in the spirit of FAIR USE: CRITICISM.

Hey, Michael Ironside younged pretty well.

Hahaha…I wonder if MST3K got the potato power idea from this.

It’s actually not that bad, all joking aside. Creepy, pretty well acted, some cool one-liners…nothing special but fairly decent. Sort of a poor man’s ‘Nightmare On Elm Street’.

Inspirational Quote: “The music’s too loud…this rock and roll will never last.”

Grade: C-

70’s clothes, 70’s hair, 70’s deco, 70’s rotary, etc…blech.

And these stories aren’t terror-ifying.

First one, mildly interesting. *shrug* Not worth it.

Second, not even that. Tedious.

Third, ummm…gimme a break. Laughable. And not intentionally.

BUT…it does have an interesting ending of maybe…a minute or so.

That saves this from the garbage heap.

Grade: D-

Cr@ppy graphic horror movie with obligatory sex.

Is it meant to be scary, truly scary? Or is it meant to be a sort of grotesque, over-the-top parody?

…Cuz it’s dull and/or laughable as often as it’s “OUCH!” or “D@MN!” worthy.

Direction, acting, dialogue, pacing, believable gore, actual “message”…all lacking.

Best timing: The alligator.

Off Netflix on 6/30/24

Grade: F

SO redundant…wait, no, it’s a *female* being “hired” this time. “Really threw us a curveball there!” (Thanks, Jen!!)

Mark Duplass is actually not bad at what he does here. But what he does is talk like a genial total sociopath and never show the tiniest bit of real emotion. There’s a certain fascinaton to it, yes…but when you get down to it, there are plenty of other movies that present extreme aberrations in human beings, and actually have *more* to them than simply that.

It’s not exactly Joker and Harley Quinn.

27:38 – And they’re off!

Inside the mind of a serial killer? Not really sure if it’s creep(y) or laughably bad…I lean one way, then the other, grumbling at the notes I have to take for this review.

There is some actual tension and uncertainty near the end.

I’m at a bit of a loss. It’s not dark enough for the truly demented, but it’s not laughable enough for MST3K fans.

An interesting…attempt.

Grade: D

Just *KEEP DRIVING*. Dumba$$ characters.

Around 35 minutes in: some of the intro dialogue actually pays off.

Real creepy, if you hang in there. And if you like gruesome horror sh1t.

EXTREMELY creepy for the time.

52:30 – 54:11 – skip it.

Grade: D

It’s not horrible, but it’s kinda…sad, in a way.

I mean, it’s a somewhat-hollow echo of the original, inspiring more nostalgia than amusement.

And the serious plot element is strictly functional. And, well…so are the jokes.

It’s just a relic, hanging on for dear life. Not horrible, but not really worth your time.

14:22 – Smuggler’s Blues?
17:01 – Pachanga?
28:49 – Now *that* is what I call a phone.

Grade: D