Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Alice (1988)

I understand the tremendous potential, hypothetically speaking, of turning ‘Alice In Wonderland’ into a nightmarish horror film, given the sheer creepiness and lunacy of the original “children’s story”.

But this is just a badly made artsy-craftsy load of sh1t.

OR, maybe it’s a brilliant work of art, if I take the time to research every scene down to the minutest detail.

But I’m leaning strongly towards sh1t.

Not for kids.  Not for adults either.  Not for anyone that likes any sort of film.

Sort of like L.F. Dibley’s ‘Rear Window’, only MUCH, MUCH longer.

Grade: F-

Vampire’s Kiss (1989)

If Nic Cage is a vampire, vampires really suck.

Bad movie featuring lots of EXTREME over-acting by Cage, which is the only point of interest and which, in this movie, is actually INTENDED to be funny.  How he turned it into a career I’ll never know.

How much ultra-campy Nic Cage do you want, I guess is the question…lots of it here, nothing else.

The “alphabet” scene is probably my fav.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah, I’m a vampiah!”

Grade: D+

S21: The Khmer Rouge Killing Machine (2003)

Not in English, with subtitles, but that doesn’t really matter in this case.

It’s intentionally slow and minimalist…it’s not trying to “entertain”, be a persuasive “documentary”…it’s trying to be a realistic historical document.  So it is easy to follow what is being said, and at the same time take in the images and the emotions, many of which are fairly powerful.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C

Nirvana: Teen Spirit: Interviews (2007)

First almost-half: If you’re a Nirvana fan, probably nothing you haven’t heard/seen before.  If you’re not, there’s no point anyway.

Mostly just a bunch of spliced together Kurt Loder commentaries.

Second little-more-than-half: quick political/social commentary, slight rehash, British voiceover guy sounding really deep.  Better than the first if only cuz it’s more well-made.

Also some Butch Vig material that’s all regurgitated from ‘Nirvana: Nevermind’, which is a lot more interesting overall.

Last 20 minutes: interview/self-interview stuff you might find amusing or INCREDIBLY dull.

Highlight: Obviously heartfelt interview of Michael Stipe.

Grade: D+

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D-

The Faculty (1998)

Alien invasion movie, similar to ‘The Puppet Masters’ in some respects.

Cool in the beginning, but as the story begins to unfold, you see the “layers” of it…which are pretty obvious and shallow, so it gets more stupid/cliche as it goes along.

Decent cast (check out Frodo in high school), ok FX…mildly interesting for fans of alien movies.  Useless otherwise.

Highlight: Jon Stewart plays a “menacing” alien, which to me is by FAR the funniest part of the movie.

Grade: D

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

If I had a strong opinion on clowns, for or against, I might appreciate this more.

As it is, it’s still pretty funny in an ultra-cheezy cr@p film sort of way, with some of the silliest dialogue ever uttered with a straight face.  And the acting is good (that is, deadpan) enough to sell it as a “serious” movie, which is necessary in order to laugh at its sheer absurdity.

Inspirational Reaction To Shotgun Pointed In Face: “Shhhhh!”

Inspirational Quote: “Nobody stores cotton candy like this!”

Grade: C+

Brain Dead (2007)

More of an “alien invasion” movie than a zombie movie…it’s very aggressive (the) stuff.

At the beginning (and let’s be fair, before it even started) I thought it was gonna suck.

But the scene cuts show a basic level of directing competence, there’s lots of gratuitous nudity in the beginning to lure you in (if you like that sort of thing), they spent the money on some gratuitous gory shots sprinkled throughout (if you like that sort of thing), and it seems to at least KNOW that it’s stupid and try to have a little fun with that in mind.

And, surprisingly, it does. It’s fairly witty/amusing/enjoyable, for what it is.

Featuring some fishermen who don’t catch any fish, BUT they do manage to snag a Forestry Service official briefly.

Recommended mildly to horror/gore parody fans.

Inspirational Quote: “Lick me, c@nt-biscuit!”

Grade: C-

Autumn (2009)

The jig is up, the news is out, I finally watched thee.
From Renegade, why was it made? Oh woe-oooo-oe IS me…

Etc, etc, etc…

It’s a lot like ’28 Days Later’, except it sucks.  Lots of extreme over-drama.  And lots of British and British-esque accents and slang, cuz everyone knows people dig that.

Also, there’s no gore.  Apparently the disgusting special effects were scrapped over budgetary concerns.

1:02:35 – Vicious, completely unprovoked toupee assault.

SAME-DAY EDIT: I can never listen to “Forever Autumn” again…too depressing a thought.

Despite being listed at 110 minutes, the actual “zombie” part doesn’t start until around the 56 minute mark, inspiring the quote below.

Inspirational Quote: “This is gettin’ stupid…”

Grade: F

Recycled Parts (2007)

Ahhhhh…a Christmas movie!

Oops sorry…a non-religious-change-of-seasons movie!

Horrible acting/dialogue, woman hit by car (the “action” scene), horrible acting/dialogue.

And when I say horrible acting, I mean both that the acting itself is horrible, and that the type of horribleness changes frequently: sometimes severe-over, sometimes what-do-I-do-under.

And when I say horrible dialogue, I mean both that the dialogue itself is horrible, and that it’s spoken in horribly irregular patterns/tones: as if they didn’t actually rehearse and they’re just badly improvising how to say the horrible dialogue as they go along.

Other than that it’s great.

Grade: F-

Rubber (2010)

A psychokinetic tire rolls around and blows things up. 

That’s it.  Really.

The intro “explanation” ruins any chance this has of being the next ‘Troll 2’: a truly sincere piece of utter horsesh1t, and the (very slight) “artiness” ruins any chance of it being the next ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’: a truly campy piece of utter horsesh1t.

It’s certainly got “tasteless” and “pointless” down, but because it’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen, it struggles mightily to nab “interesting”.

Grade: D-

Whale Rider (2003)

When you’re desperate for something outside of Hollywood to be revelatory, a well-intentioned and well-made but fairly non-descript (besides the scenery) and mostly boring movie such as this can seem to be reason for celebration.

It’s a small variation on a very old theme, and not a very good one.  The last 15 minutes or so are interesting and somewhat moving…but there’s no need to watch the rest of it. 

Grade: D+

The Goebbels Experiment (2005)

Readings from the diary of a famous (and successful) propagandist.

A study in how an intelligent person can warp words, emotions, actions, and even reality itself to the utmost degree to serve their chosen purpose.

Inspirationally Scary Quote: “Our propaganda is considered to be exemplary…not just by the German press, but by the international press too…now we will show what the apparatus can achieve, if you know how to use it.”

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C+

Broken Arrow (1996)

Broken record.

Sorta-fun little action movie that gets less and less fun as it goes along. 

I say “little” because you’ve seen it all before.  Well…except the old “dropping down and firing the gun from between the heroine’s legs” trick…if I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a million times…

It’s like someone took all the outtakes and spare parts from ‘Con Air’ and ‘The Rock’ and just decided to make the same movie…ONE…MORE…TIME!

Also, Howie Long’s acting comes up just a little bit short.

Inspirational Quote: “Would you mind not shooting at the thermonuclear weapons…”

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Wretched, but a little bit fun. My fav re-watched moment is when a guy gets hit in the head with a hammer and proceeds to jump back a few feet before falling on the ground dead. Awfully decent of him. Grade: D-

Eddie Izzard: Dress To Kill (1999)

“Lost Python” my a$$. 

I know Cleese said it, but when he said it he was an old man who had forgotten what it was like to actually write a funny joke.

Izzard rants with the irreverence and SOME of the wit of ‘Flying Circus’, but he’s not nearly as good as Cleese was in his prime.  Or Idle, or Chapman, or Palin, or Jones, or Gilliam.  So at best Izzard would have to be the distant 7th Python…and he’d have to fight with Neil Innes and Carol Cleveland over that honor.

So with that bullsh1t comparison aside, he’s a fairly funny guy: he’s got some intelligence and some wit.  He doesn’t have any timing, unfortunately…his comedy is haphazard rant mode. 

I suppose, in that way, his standup could be seen as similar to ‘Flying Circus’.  But only on the shallowest, most meaningless basis.

‘Flying Circus’ was haphazard because they wrote brilliant (and brilliantly TIMED) bits and then needed to somehow link them together…so they went with Gilliam’s brilliant haphazard nonsense. 

Izzard’s haphazard cuz that’s how he is.  And unlike Gilliam, he ain’t brilliant.

So what’s the big deal?

Grade: C+

Vampegeddon (2010)

Horrible music, horrible FX, horrible acting, horrible writing, horrible fake boobs, horrible gothy angst attempts, horrible “noone understands me” laments, horrible band product placement, horrible hair extensions, horrible HAIKIBA! moments, horribly dull blood ritual for Nosferatu, horribly easy-to-kill vampires.

Makes sex, drugs, rock n’ roll and devil worship seem just kinda boring.

56:05 – Oh thank God.

1:02:26 – Don’t LAUGH during a blood ceremony! HOLD IT IN, GIRL!

Grade: F-

Reefer Madness (1936)

Hey…it’s the same judgy-wudgy as in ‘Disorder In The Court’.

Almost as bad as ‘Triumph Of The Will’, but a HECK of a lot funnier. 

Oops.  I meant SCARIER. 

This reveals what is almost as much a danger to the world as the Wiccan Agenda! Dun Dun DUN!

Featuring plenty of good old-fashioned wholesome TOBACCO smoking.

Graded like ‘Troll 2’, or pure hydro.

Grade: C

Sex Galaxy (2008)

Lots of public domain footage pasted together and crudely overdubbed.  And by crudely I mean it’s not exactly brilliant and it’s not exactly family-friendly.

The only problem is I actually laughed a few times, so I can’t say it’s truly worthless.  Although when I WASN’T laughing, which was the majority of the time, I was thinking “My GOD this sucks”.

It’s like ‘What’s Up, Tiger Lily?’ done to bad sci-fi/softcore porn/50’s B&W nostalgia.

Grade: D

Aeon Flux (2005)

A “travesty”?  Come on.  That implies a massive fall from grace/greatness, which in this case is simply not possible.  Greatness must first exist for it to be desecrated/lost.

I saw the animated series when it was new, on Liquid Television.  It was amazing and incredible to me then, with visuals that were simply beyond both belief and description: grandiose and grotesque.

But I also had NO FCKEN IDEA what was going on, nor do I now looking back on it.

So if all you’re looking for is a collection of fantastic someone-else’s-dreamscape images to stare at and go “Wow…” to, this film treatment won’t do it.  Watch the original.

But I’ve reached the point in the growth of my somewhat-limited creativity/imagination that I can conjure up my own surreal dreamscapes if/when I want to by the simple expedient of closing my eyes, and I can imbue them with my OWN meaning…not wonder what some other guy was thinking when he made up his.

Unlike the original, there’s a coherent story that you can follow here, if you want to…nothing amazing or incredible, but at least comprehensible.  And somewhat interesting.  And it’s only “not weird” in comparison to the series…it’s VERY weird.

“Dumbed-down-for-the-masses” this ain’t.  “Made-sensible-for-the-sane”, more like it.

Aeon’s incredible acrobatic abilities and precision and a lot of this movie’s FX are like the attempt to climb the north face of the Uxbridge Road: Like them or not, you’ve got to admire the skill that goes into them.

Inspirational Quote: “We’re meant to die.  That’s what makes anything about us matter.”

AND…”Whatever we are, we’re not anarchists.  There have to be rules.”

Grade: C+

The Tooth Fairy (2006)

Not nearly as scary as the Nerve-Ending Fairy.

Thankfully the writer went to the trouble of making quite a few really bad, boring characters to utter the really bad, boring lines.  It’s only fair to spread ’em around.

Carrie Anne Fleming is a lot less interesting here than she is in ‘Jenifer’, even though she doesn’t wear any disfiguring makeup and actually speaks.  Her appearance here seems to be saying “I’m a SERIOUS actress.  I can do DRAMA.” No you’re not, no you can’t.

30:58 – Great Parenting 101 (Mother rescues child from the sight of extreme overacting)

Inspirational Quote: “What’s your d1ck doin’ over there, Chuck?”

Grade: F

Lo (2009)

*Sliced and Spliced from 9/29/12 – Behold*

Opening = Demon Summoning For Dummies

It’s all creepy/cool until he kicks over a candle. Twice. At least the theme music has the sense to stop then.

So, I think it’s gonna be this attempt at an amazingly grandiose gothic love story…and then I find out suddenly it’s gonna be this attempt at a gothy comedy/horror parody.  And then it sort of keeps switching back and forth.

Points for…originality?  No…somewhat-uniqueness, in the willingness to do really
silly things and risk being REALLY horrific instead of just generic-horrific.

It’s not PARTICULARLY funny. It’s actually…kind of…sweet.

It’s also weird, quirky, “different”, and…hmmm…

“Please…DON’T say it’s ‘fascinating’…”
“No. *Slight Headshake* But it is…interesting.”

Inspirational Quote: “You summoned me for LOVE???”

Grade: C+

9/30/12: Warning: Having seen this once, you might want to watch it again shortly thereafter.
When I watched it again, I found myself wishing semi-fervently (it’s not THAT good a movie) that
everyone/thing but the main characters could be completely erased as meaningless, or at least
drastically reduced in air time, and replaced with more interaction between the only things that
matter. All the others are just annoying, and make me think “Why am I watching this???”…until it
goes back to the main characters. Then I understand.

I also understand why I semi-fervently wish this was much better written.

Grade: B (Unless you’ve never experienced intense suffering in your life…then it remains C+)

10/15/12: In the final analysis, even a downtrodden “lovelorn” cynic like myself must
say with extreme conviction that the potential upside to watching this film (“Wow…”) is
completely worth the potential downside (“Stupid…”). I think the first…I can’t help it.
It’s how I’m wired. And I’m glad.

Grade: B+

5/25/15: “You just pray to see (something) that hasn’t changed…
one that looks (to) you exactly as it did before.”

Grade: B+

Shrooms (2007)

Lots of quasi-mythology and nipple talk make for a mildly interesting setup.

Then it just gets pretty stupid, unable to decide between silly-stupid and “scary”-stupid.

The theory that the reason it’s so meaningless and disjointed is because it’s about tripping on mushrooms is one that is strongly advanced by the director, the actors, and some of their friends.

Grade: F

The Call Of Cthulhu (2005)

Black and white silent with subtitles.

Short film version of H.P. Lovecraft’s short story of the same name.

Mildly intriguing, in a non-terrifying cheezy sort of way, with some interesting observations.  But it’s better either played or read about in one of any number of superior forms; some by Lovecraft, some by those he inspired.

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Mutants (2009)

French with subtitles.

But don’t let that dissuade you.  Because if you like this type of movie, it’s actually pretty good.  Pretty gory, but if you can deal with that, worth watching.

It’s an infection movie that’s much more akin to ’28 Days Later’ and “Rage” than anything zombie-ish.  Not only for the behavior of the infected, but because it’s shot in a way that’s fairly reminiscent of ’28 Days Later’, and actually almost as well.

Other similiarities: believable characters (some), a love story (of sorts) amidst the carnage, and lots of interesting visuals: some disturbing, some pretty.  I’m not saying it’s as good…it’s not.  Part of that has to do with the budget (a full evacuation of large parts of a major city costs money) and part with the mediocrity of some of the supporting cast.

But the two main actors are quite good, especially the female lead, who conveys a fairly wide range of emotions/nuances of character, along with great warmth and dedication towards the…being…she loves.

Maybe I’m getting too artsy here, but it seems to me that with the mostly cold/blue/icy images, the director was attempting to portray the bleakness and lack of feeling or mercy of the world and most of its characters, to which the leads stand in stark contrast.

One of the infected is actually more decent than some of the humans.  Why does it seem I’m ALWAYS saying that regarding non-human life forms???

Grade: B-

Doghouse (2009)

Macho, sexist, gory, meaningless.

BUT…

If you can deal with all that, it’s kinda fun.  Because it also features better-than-average dialogue/acting/directing than your typical cr@ppy horror/gore flick.

Highlights: useful garden gnome, mostly ineffective weaponry, tastelessly appropriate music.

Inspirational Quote: “Now is NOT the time to stop objectifying women.”

Grade: C-

Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)

Music by some kid on a synth machine.

Featuring the very rare “slapping zombie”.  Also featuring some grandiose post-apoc Ren Faire acting.

It’s got an unbelievably slight “Awwww…they tried for a touching drama” sort of charm.

The will is moderate but the script is horrible.

59:43 – HAIKIBA!

Inspirational Quote: “Holy Jesus Christmas Sh1t!”

Grade: F

The Graves (2010)

Sad.

Oodles of cleavage shots (no nudity) and bad dialogue.

Features two young actresses at the beginning and ending of their EXCITING careers.

Two questions I pondered while watching:
1) Is this ever going to get scary or interesting?
2) How badly did Tony Todd REALLY need the money from this?

Too dumb to even be offensive.  You can watch it to laugh at it, I guess…*Shrug*

Question:  Why does it have like half a dozen “Executive Producers”?
Answer: The director wanted to get all his friends in the credits.

Reminiscent of ‘Spinal Tap’…Nigel Tufnel: Lead Guitar.  David St. Hubbins: Lead Guitar.

Inspirationally Dumb Quote: “I’ll try to make this painless.” – Guy holding a bloody hammer

Grade: F-

Chillerama (2011)

Warning: In INCREDIBLY bad taste.

Now if it was utterly worthless, I wouldn’t bother to say that.  But it’s not.

It’s a fairly interesting set-up that turns into three (see below) really silly, cheezy intentionally B-grade “horror” movies.

1: Man vs. his own sperm in a life-or-death struggle.  Not bad.
2: ‘The Gay Werebear Musical’…dull and boring.
3: Hitler gets beaten to death with his own arm.  Not brilliant, but easily the best.  Features lots of World’s-Funniest-Joke-ish fake German, an utterly tasteless theory on ‘The Diary Of Anne Frank’, and a Jewish “Frankenstein’s Monster”.

Supposedly there are four movies, but number 4 is a tiny slice of nothingness that leads into the increasingly dull/cliche/please-let-it-end ending.

Recommendation: If you like cheeze and horrible taste, watch 1 and 3.

Grade: D+

Hellboy (2004)

The first time I attempted to watch it I expected way too much, and stopped in disappointment. 

This time I expected mediocrity, and was therefore “pleasantly surprised”.

Violent but (thankfully) not extremely gory.  Why?  Either to avoid an “R”, or because it’s simply NOT NECESSARY.  If you want gore, watch a Rob Zombie sh1tfest.

Features Mulder’s dream job.

Cute, amusing, sweet, fun, disgusting and Cthulhu-esque.  With brilliant special effects.

Only problem: The writing isn’t as clever as it wants to be.  Or I want it to be, at least.

Observation: “Hellboy”, demon…one of the most decent beings in the movie.

Inspirational Quote: “What makes a man a man? … it’s the choices he makes.  Not how he starts things…but how he decides to end them.”

Grade: B

Melancholia (2011)

‘My Big Fat Artsy Gloomy Pre-Apocalyptic Wedding’.

OR, if you prefer: ‘…Infinitely Sad’

Well that was really horribly directed. 

“Let’s show exactly what happens in the first 8 minutes, with extremely interesting visuals in a sort of surreal, classical music-backed way…and then just make the really cool short vignette this should have been into a dull, ponderous waste of time.”

Like a typical “Only Happy When It Rains” person, the main character is traumatized by happiness (her own/that of anyone else) and becomes more and more content as horrible events approach. 

Some people have clinical/chemical depression, and deserve nothing but sympathy for something that is of absolutely no fault of their own.  Other people get depressed because they realize (occasionally) what nasty, dull, worthless little cusses they are. *’Glory’ rip…You rock, RGS*

Didn’t think I’d see another “heroine” so soon that made Clementine look sweet/interesting.

Warning: Possible PTM

Grade: D-

Dark Town (2004)

“Touching” dysfunctional family drama/horror movie.

The way it transitions seamlessly from drug-deal shootout to supposed (obscured by sheet) lesbian sex to birthday candle lighting to dumb dialogue to intermittent nipple shots back to dumb dialogue is a true monument to bad editing.  And writing.  And then there’s the bad acting.

Creepy-guy introduces new D+D spell: “Cause Light Menstruation” – Range: Touch.

You can tell the fangs are fake because of the extreme impediment to clear speech they provide.

Highlight: Tense, nerve-wracking shootout from opposite sides of the same car.

Guest Review: “What the Hell is that???” – Steve Martin

It’s off streaming on December 1st, so HURRY!!!

Grade: F-

Gordy (1995)

Watching ‘Babe’ was a truly moving experience.

Watching ‘Gordy’ makes me want to eat a GLT.

It’s so remarkably fluffy that you can’t really HATE it, but that’s all it is: fluff.  It’s an after-school special with a talking pig, the sort of movie that even as a small child I would scoff at as childish.

I think it’s a good bet anyone above toddler age would concur with me on that.

Features lots of exciting livestock footage.

Grade: D-

11/18/16: The heartwarming tale of Phil Gordian’s attempt to infiltrate the world’s- Oh. Nevermind, just a stupid ‘Babe’ ripoff. Grade: D-

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

The calm, pleasant way in which a society that celebrates rape, murder, and pointless brutality is presented and portrayed is horrifying.

Kubrick’s direction and the language he instills into the nightmare-fantasy make it that much more believable, hence truly foreboding and scary.

But the scariest thing to me in this gruesome little masterpiece is that some people watch Alex and his droogs with admiration instead of revulsion.

The second scariest thing is the calm, pleasant way in which the government adapts to anything and everything that gets in the way of the necessary progress of the State.

Inspirational Quote: “Goodness comes from within.  Goodness is chosen.  When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.”

Grade: A