Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Lo (2009)

*Sliced and Spliced from 9/29/12 – Behold*

Opening = Demon Summoning For Dummies

It’s all creepy/cool until he kicks over a candle. Twice. At least the theme music has the sense to stop then.

So, I think it’s gonna be this attempt at an amazingly grandiose gothic love story…and then I find out suddenly it’s gonna be this attempt at a gothy comedy/horror parody.  And then it sort of keeps switching back and forth.

Points for…originality?  No…somewhat-uniqueness, in the willingness to do really
silly things and risk being REALLY horrific instead of just generic-horrific.

It’s not PARTICULARLY funny. It’s actually…kind of…sweet.

It’s also weird, quirky, “different”, and…hmmm…

“Please…DON’T say it’s ‘fascinating’…”
“No. *Slight Headshake* But it is…interesting.”

Inspirational Quote: “You summoned me for LOVE???”

Grade: C+

9/30/12: Warning: Having seen this once, you might want to watch it again shortly thereafter.
When I watched it again, I found myself wishing semi-fervently (it’s not THAT good a movie) that
everyone/thing but the main characters could be completely erased as meaningless, or at least
drastically reduced in air time, and replaced with more interaction between the only things that
matter. All the others are just annoying, and make me think “Why am I watching this???”…until it
goes back to the main characters. Then I understand.

I also understand why I semi-fervently wish this was much better written.

Grade: B (Unless you’ve never experienced intense suffering in your life…then it remains C+)

10/15/12: In the final analysis, even a downtrodden “lovelorn” cynic like myself must
say with extreme conviction that the potential upside to watching this film (“Wow…”) is
completely worth the potential downside (“Stupid…”). I think the first…I can’t help it.
It’s how I’m wired. And I’m glad.

Grade: B+

5/25/15: “You just pray to see (something) that hasn’t changed…
one that looks (to) you exactly as it did before.”

Grade: B+

Shrooms (2007)

Lots of quasi-mythology and nipple talk make for a mildly interesting setup.

Then it just gets pretty stupid, unable to decide between silly-stupid and “scary”-stupid.

The theory that the reason it’s so meaningless and disjointed is because it’s about tripping on mushrooms is one that is strongly advanced by the director, the actors, and some of their friends.

Grade: F

The Call Of Cthulhu (2005)

Black and white silent with subtitles.

Short film version of H.P. Lovecraft’s short story of the same name.

Mildly intriguing, in a non-terrifying cheezy sort of way, with some interesting observations.  But it’s better either played or read about in one of any number of superior forms; some by Lovecraft, some by those he inspired.

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

Mutants (2009)

French with subtitles.

But don’t let that dissuade you.  Because if you like this type of movie, it’s actually pretty good.  Pretty gory, but if you can deal with that, worth watching.

It’s an infection movie that’s much more akin to ’28 Days Later’ and “Rage” than anything zombie-ish.  Not only for the behavior of the infected, but because it’s shot in a way that’s fairly reminiscent of ’28 Days Later’, and actually almost as well.

Other similiarities: believable characters (some), a love story (of sorts) amidst the carnage, and lots of interesting visuals: some disturbing, some pretty.  I’m not saying it’s as good…it’s not.  Part of that has to do with the budget (a full evacuation of large parts of a major city costs money) and part with the mediocrity of some of the supporting cast.

But the two main actors are quite good, especially the female lead, who conveys a fairly wide range of emotions/nuances of character, along with great warmth and dedication towards the…being…she loves.

Maybe I’m getting too artsy here, but it seems to me that with the mostly cold/blue/icy images, the director was attempting to portray the bleakness and lack of feeling or mercy of the world and most of its characters, to which the leads stand in stark contrast.

One of the infected is actually more decent than some of the humans.  Why does it seem I’m ALWAYS saying that regarding non-human life forms???

Grade: B-

Doghouse (2009)

Macho, sexist, gory, meaningless.

BUT…

If you can deal with all that, it’s kinda fun.  Because it also features better-than-average dialogue/acting/directing than your typical cr@ppy horror/gore flick.

Highlights: useful garden gnome, mostly ineffective weaponry, tastelessly appropriate music.

Inspirational Quote: “Now is NOT the time to stop objectifying women.”

Grade: C-

Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011)

Music by some kid on a synth machine.

Featuring the very rare “slapping zombie”.  Also featuring some grandiose post-apoc Ren Faire acting.

It’s got an unbelievably slight “Awwww…they tried for a touching drama” sort of charm.

The will is moderate but the script is horrible.

59:43 – HAIKIBA!

Inspirational Quote: “Holy Jesus Christmas Sh1t!”

Grade: F

The Graves (2010)

Sad.

Oodles of cleavage shots (no nudity) and bad dialogue.

Features two young actresses at the beginning and ending of their EXCITING careers.

Two questions I pondered while watching:
1) Is this ever going to get scary or interesting?
2) How badly did Tony Todd REALLY need the money from this?

Too dumb to even be offensive.  You can watch it to laugh at it, I guess…*Shrug*

Question:  Why does it have like half a dozen “Executive Producers”?
Answer: The director wanted to get all his friends in the credits.

Reminiscent of ‘Spinal Tap’…Nigel Tufnel: Lead Guitar.  David St. Hubbins: Lead Guitar.

Inspirationally Dumb Quote: “I’ll try to make this painless.” – Guy holding a bloody hammer

Grade: F-

Chillerama (2011)

Warning: In INCREDIBLY bad taste.

Now if it was utterly worthless, I wouldn’t bother to say that.  But it’s not.

It’s a fairly interesting set-up that turns into three (see below) really silly, cheezy intentionally B-grade “horror” movies.

1: Man vs. his own sperm in a life-or-death struggle.  Not bad.
2: ‘The Gay Werebear Musical’…dull and boring.
3: Hitler gets beaten to death with his own arm.  Not brilliant, but easily the best.  Features lots of World’s-Funniest-Joke-ish fake German, an utterly tasteless theory on ‘The Diary Of Anne Frank’, and a Jewish “Frankenstein’s Monster”.

Supposedly there are four movies, but number 4 is a tiny slice of nothingness that leads into the increasingly dull/cliche/please-let-it-end ending.

Recommendation: If you like cheeze and horrible taste, watch 1 and 3.

Grade: D+

Hellboy (2004)

The first time I attempted to watch it I expected way too much, and stopped in disappointment. 

This time I expected mediocrity, and was therefore “pleasantly surprised”.

Violent but (thankfully) not extremely gory.  Why?  Either to avoid an “R”, or because it’s simply NOT NECESSARY.  If you want gore, watch a Rob Zombie sh1tfest.

Features Mulder’s dream job.

Cute, amusing, sweet, fun, disgusting and Cthulhu-esque.  With brilliant special effects.

Only problem: The writing isn’t as clever as it wants to be.  Or I want it to be, at least.

Observation: “Hellboy”, demon…one of the most decent beings in the movie.

Inspirational Quote: “What makes a man a man? … it’s the choices he makes.  Not how he starts things…but how he decides to end them.”

Grade: B

Melancholia (2011)

‘My Big Fat Artsy Gloomy Pre-Apocalyptic Wedding’.

OR, if you prefer: ‘…Infinitely Sad’

Well that was really horribly directed. 

“Let’s show exactly what happens in the first 8 minutes, with extremely interesting visuals in a sort of surreal, classical music-backed way…and then just make the really cool short vignette this should have been into a dull, ponderous waste of time.”

Like a typical “Only Happy When It Rains” person, the main character is traumatized by happiness (her own/that of anyone else) and becomes more and more content as horrible events approach. 

Some people have clinical/chemical depression, and deserve nothing but sympathy for something that is of absolutely no fault of their own.  Other people get depressed because they realize (occasionally) what nasty, dull, worthless little cusses they are. *’Glory’ rip…You rock, RGS*

Didn’t think I’d see another “heroine” so soon that made Clementine look sweet/interesting.

Warning: Possible PTM

Grade: D-

Dark Town (2004)

“Touching” dysfunctional family drama/horror movie.

The way it transitions seamlessly from drug-deal shootout to supposed (obscured by sheet) lesbian sex to birthday candle lighting to dumb dialogue to intermittent nipple shots back to dumb dialogue is a true monument to bad editing.  And writing.  And then there’s the bad acting.

Creepy-guy introduces new D+D spell: “Cause Light Menstruation” – Range: Touch.

You can tell the fangs are fake because of the extreme impediment to clear speech they provide.

Highlight: Tense, nerve-wracking shootout from opposite sides of the same car.

Guest Review: “What the Hell is that???” – Steve Martin

It’s off streaming on December 1st, so HURRY!!!

Grade: F-

Gordy (1995)

Watching ‘Babe’ was a truly moving experience.

Watching ‘Gordy’ makes me want to eat a GLT.

It’s so remarkably fluffy that you can’t really HATE it, but that’s all it is: fluff.  It’s an after-school special with a talking pig, the sort of movie that even as a small child I would scoff at as childish.

I think it’s a good bet anyone above toddler age would concur with me on that.

Features lots of exciting livestock footage.

Grade: D-

11/18/16: The heartwarming tale of Phil Gordian’s attempt to infiltrate the world’s- Oh. Nevermind, just a stupid ‘Babe’ ripoff. Grade: D-

A Clockwork Orange (1971)

The calm, pleasant way in which a society that celebrates rape, murder, and pointless brutality is presented and portrayed is horrifying.

Kubrick’s direction and the language he instills into the nightmare-fantasy make it that much more believable, hence truly foreboding and scary.

But the scariest thing to me in this gruesome little masterpiece is that some people watch Alex and his droogs with admiration instead of revulsion.

The second scariest thing is the calm, pleasant way in which the government adapts to anything and everything that gets in the way of the necessary progress of the State.

Inspirational Quote: “Goodness comes from within.  Goodness is chosen.  When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man.”

Grade: A

Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Fairly intelligent and cleverly macabre/campy without being overly gory.  Nothing special, but it’s worth watching if you like such things.

First film: Christian Slater and Steve Buscemi try to out-creepy each other.

Second film: Adorable yet DANGEROUS kitty cat.  Sort of like the ‘Holy Grail’ rabbit.

Third film: Predictable yet fairly interesting take on promises.

All intertwined by an impeccable suburbanite cannibal.

Grade: C+

9/1/23: The third is easily the best; it’s actually kind of sad and touching. I’d recommend watching it, and the little connecting (and ending) bits, and skipping the first two. I don’t get how I found them “cleverly macabre/campy”, but I did write this almost 11 years ago and I was probably in a better mood. Grade: C-

Slither (2006)

Features the captain from ‘Firefly’/’Serenity’, if you care. 

Also features some very grotesque images, some just nasty and some so surreal they’re kinda funny in a campy, H.P. Lovecraft-would-have-approved sort of way.

It’s an alien possession/infiltration movie, sort of like ‘Invasion Of The Body Snatchers’ (only not as good) or ‘The Puppet Masters’ (with better acting).  It’s also a comedy, unlike either of those…so basically it’s horror/comedy/”interesting” visuals. 

If you like that, good…if not, there’s nothing else.  Meaning there’s no real drama or characters.  But who cares?

Not me.  I put this just a notch below ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’ and ‘Fido’ in the gleefully enjoyable intelligent camp horror/comedy category.

Lesson Learned: Never threaten a man-squid.

Inspirational Fight: Painted-Japanese Nails vs. Slug-Thing

Inspirational Quote: “…I turn into a FCKEN mollusc, I’m gonna sue those bastards”

Grade: B-

The Horde (2009)

Zombies.  En Francais.

There’s a very brief set-up, then it gets really violent and gory…for a little while, at least.  But even if you like violent and gory, you probably won’t like this.

Since this movie has pretentious (unfulfilled) aspirations to be serious and meaningful,  there are long lulls between the violent scenes.  But unlike, say, ‘Land Of The Dead’, they’re dull, boring lulls, serving to alienate and frustrate gore fiends and those that make the mistake of reading the subtitles looking for a good story equally as much.

Usually the reason I don’t like watching foreign-language films is that I have to worry about missing some nuance in acting or emotion while I’m reading the subtitles.  Here, since the dialogue is just as bad in French as a generic American zombie flick, the only thing the subtitles do is take up screen space.

Lots of head-butting, too.

Grade: F

Rob Roy (1995)

Released the same year as ‘Braveheart’, but it’s very little like it.  To say they’re both about Scotsmen is obvious, but ‘Braveheart’ is a grand, majestic, powerful quasi-historic epic.

This is simply a study of characters and of the nature of character.  It’s fairly well-made and fairly well-acted, but compared to ‘Braveheart’, just not-as and not-nearly-as.  Not as powerful, either…because at times the drama seems more forced than real.

As for other comparisons, Liam Neeson’s Robert Roy MacGregor is just as noble as William Wallace or Robert the Bruce, while Tim Roth’s Archibald is just as despicable as King Edward and just as foppish as his son.  Of course, like ‘Braveheart’, it’s just a movie.

Inspirational Quote: “Honor is…what no man can give you.  And none can take away.”

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

Deadtime Stories: Volume 1 (2011)

A laughably wretched/wretchedly laughable horror anthology doesn’t get any better because George A. Romero puts his name on it and does some really bad intros for each segment.

But don’t blame George for creating this…that honor goes to writer Jeff Monahan. 

Just blame him for thinking his name still carries any weight after ‘Survival’.

Grade: F-

Tales From The Crypt Presents: Bordello Of Blood (1996)

Opening: “Throw me the whip!”

More akin to the show than ‘Demon Knight’ was.  Because it’s more cheezy and silly.  But, like the show, it’s also a bit of fun.

Dennis Miller’s got a lot of one-liners in this baby, cha cha.  My personal fav given recent viewing: “Weird Duchov-nian riff”.

Grade: C

Monsters, Inc. (2001)

Intro: Naughty little birdies.  Kinda cute.

I don’t think a plot summary is really necessary: It’s a kids movie that’s just smart enough for adults.  Which is rather common of Pixar, I think.  Unfortunately, what’s also common of Pixar, from what I’ve seen, is that the “smart enough for adults” part isn’t nearly smart enough to watch every single variation on it.  And I prefer DreamWorks, anyway.

But, as to its charm…

Guest Review, paraphrased:

“Oh Mugsy…it’s adorable.” – Rocky

Grade: B-

William Shatner’s Get A Life! (2012)

Brief interviews with various Trekkies.

The opening bit and the title makes it out to be a parody of Star Trek fanaticism, but that’s a completely false impression.  There’s no humor at all after that, and it’s basically just an “exploration” of the “meaning” of Star Trek.  If you’re not a Trekkie, you’ll probably think it’s an incredibly fawning treatment of a tv show.  I like Star Trek, but even I find it FAR too sentimental and self-worshipping.

To say it’s pretentious would be…an understatement.  It’s beyond pretentious, into laughable.

Yes, there are moving moments…but they’re not because of Star Trek.  They’re because you see people that are feeling obvious deep emotion.  Such deep emotion is common to life, not exclusive in any way to Star Trek.

As Shatner himself said later in the taken-from-SNL bit used to open this, “It’s just a tv show, it’s just a tv show!!”

Grade: D-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: F

Jucy (2010)

It’s a dramedy.  As such, it’s a bit overwrought. 

There are moments that are so over-acted/over-emotioned that they belong in a soap opera, but there are also some fairly charming and sweet moments.  It’s got the requisite obstacles to be overcome, and if you like “feel-good” movies that are a bit quirky, this could do the trick. 

Not really my cup of tea…but it’s watchable.

Grade: D+

5/3/14: Not my cup of tea AT ALL.  But, still…watchable.  Grade: D

Area 407 (2012)

This movie is shot from the point of view (at least to start) of a little girl carrying a videocamera.  I believe this was done for three reasons:

First, it makes it “different” from other people-pursued-by-nasty-things movies.
Second, it justifies the incompetence of the camera work and masks the bad dialogue/dialogue lapses with perpetual random chatter.
Third, it garners sympathy for the overall poor quality of the film and its characters.

What’s next, cute-kitty-cat-cam?  Defenseless-crawling-toddler-cam?

Exploiting-peoples-sympathies-for-a-buck-cuz-we’re-morally-and-artistically-bankrupt-cam?

Maybe this was just some sleazy film exec’s answer to the question: “How do we make people care about an otherwise generic horror flick?”

Alternate Title: ‘Little Susie’s Camera Fascination Meets BLOOD’

Alternate Title 2: ‘The Gore Glitch Project’

‘Area 407’ was filmed on location in a vacant field. *MST RIP*

The only halfway intelligent parts of the film play on government conspiracy paranoia, but there are only two of them and they last a combined 5 minutes, tops.  But I’m not gonna tell you where they are.  I sat through this pile of exploitative sh1t, and if you wanna find out, DIY.

Here’s maybe how this went down…*PYTHON RIP*

“Quite frankly, I think the central script system may need strengthening a bit.”
“Isn’t that going to put the cost up?”
“Ummmm…it might.”
“Well, I don’t know if I’d worry about strengthening THAT much…I mean, it’s not meant to be a luxury movie.”
“Quite agree, quite agree…I think provided the viewers are of light mind and relatively sedentary, and given a spot of good luck, I think we’re on to a winner here.”

Grade: F-

12/31/13: Two halfway-intelligent bits are two more than an F- should have.  Grade: F

Idiots And Angels (2008)

No angels, lots of idiots.  Colossally stupid.

Bill Plympton’s amateurish and grotesque animation can actually be enjoyable over short periods of time and with the right ideas, but without any and at feature-film length, it’s just extremely painful.  And why, pray tell, are we supposed to feel any sympathy at all for this incredibly nasty piece of work?  The main character, that is.

BONUS:  No dialogue.

Grade: F

Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)

I don’t buy the intro.  She’s a psycho…and she’s not even an INTERESTING psycho…just a weird, moody, freaky-annoying one.  I mean, I guess chemistry is debatable, but it seems like the only reason she pursued him and anything happened at all is cuz it’s in the script and she’s an actress.

She’s a good movie example of a real-life type I’ve met before, and you probably have too: weird and freaky and chaotic and random and eager-to-fck because without those things you’d see what else was inside the very attractive outside shell.  Namely, dull nothingness.

And since she’s treated as the heroine and example of how to live a wonderful, “free” life, she (and by default, this movie) is championed by those who, deep down inside, fear they’re just as dull and shallow as she is…and/or random scumbags that like to do whatever they want without regard for anyone else and then fall apart when the time comes for something called “responsibility”.

I guess I’d be incredibly emotionally impressed if I, for a second, believed any aspect of their relationship.  But I’m either too smart, not smart enough, or not weird enough.  Oh well.  I do admire the ending, though.  I’d even call it brave and moving, if I cared about either character.

But it IS visually impressive…VERY impressive.  And the sequences become more elaborate and more intelligent and more humorous as they go on…for a while.  Then they crest and fade away, like a wave you thought could NEVER reach you…and it comes close, a lot closer than you thought it would…but in the end, you were right, and it quickly dissipates and is gone.

It’s challenging…a thought-provoking, in-your-face demand of self-evaluation.  In that sense, and as an exercise in artistic and visual mastery, it’s brilliant.  But it’s too mechanical and unbelievable, in the sense of how it actually plays out, to be anywhere near the masterpiece its legions of admirers hail it as.

To see something that’s closer to how I feel about this movie but that’s far too clever for me to be able to concoct, see ‘Depeche Mode – A Non-Puppy Perspective’.  Focus on the attitude in grudgingly awarding a decent grade, not the words.  You can almost feel the dismissive venom dripping off the screen.

Inspirational Quote: “I assume you fcked someone tonight.  Isn’t that how you get people to like you?”

Grade: B

5/3/14: I prefer character interaction over studio mastery, and the main characters don’t “interact”.  They stand near each other at times and repeatedly fail to sell the relationship at all.  Grade: B-

The Zombie Apocalypse (2008)

REALLY bad fx, REALLY bad acting, REALLY bad script, REALLY dumb “goth” lady who looks more comfortable in natural blood-splatter than she does in black makeup.

The great thing about quick cuts is that you don’t actually have to show the amazing action sequences.

Oh, and they forgot to write an ending.

Inspirational Scene: There’s blood in them thar hills!

Inspirationally Bad Choice For Anti-Zombie Weapon: Scythe

Grade: F-

The Devil’s Rock (2011)

Better than ‘The Devil’s Scissors’ but not as good as ‘The Devil’s Paper’.

But seriously, this movie deserves more than a snide little comment.  It starts off as a second-rate war film, but even then it’s decent enough to warrant/encourage watching further, especially in the hope/knowledge that the real movie is yet to come.  And it is.

With the setup being dispensed with, we are presented with a fairly gory supernatural-ish horror film.  Not a “gore-fest” because the acting, script, and intelligence level are far too good for that.  Not that they’re brilliant or anything, but they’re surprisingly decent.  There are some obvious holes in the plot and it’s not as clever as it wants to be, but it held my attention throughout and I can say that I’m actually glad I watched it, beyond being able to write a review on it.  I’ll never watch it AGAIN…there’s nothing I feel I may have “missed” the first time in terms of depth…but as recent unrated Netflix streaming horror movies go, this is a good one-time view.

Also, if you liked ‘Hellboy’, you’ll enjoy seeing a good rip of its opening.

Grade: C+

6/21/13: I did watch it again.  Turns out there was nothing I missed the first time, but I actually enjoyed watching it a second time.  I’m PRETTY sure I won’t watch it a third time though…I don’t have that “There’s-Something-About-‘Lo'” feeling.  Grade: B-

R.E.M.: Parallel (1995)

Drawing from their two best albums (‘Automatic For The People’/’Monster’) and nothing but produces the single best collection of music in one place they’ve ever managed.  Irrelevant by this point, perhaps, but I couldn’t resist.  Not for 99 cents.

And the video for “Everybody Hurts” is so obviously and completely heartfelt that it achieves grandiosity while avoiding maudlin sentimentality.  A benefit of sincerity, I suppose.

For the last five songs, I believe R. Christgau sums it up best: “Peter Buck’s sonic palette is rainbow grunge–variegated dirt and distortion as casual rhetoric–and he’s so cranked even the slow ones seem born to be loud.”

Inspirational Quote: “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy”

Grade: A-

The Dead Outside (2008)

The only real signs of the horrible “pandemic” and its results are a few really angry people and a lot of flashbacks.  Other than that, it’s a fairly dull guy hanging out with a fairly gloomy teen: Looking at stuff, saying stuff that seems either boring or forced, doing chores, saying more stuff…and some stuff eventually happens.

It’s supposed to be extremely emotionally moving, as the music can attest to, and you might find it to be so.  But I doubt it, since I’m not at all resistant to being moved and this just strikes me as a fairly dull attempt at yet another apocalypse movie.

It does get much more interesting (and pandemicy) near the end…when they stop talking.

Grade: D