Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

This movie is shot from the point of view (at least to start) of a little girl carrying a videocamera.  I believe this was done for three reasons:

First, it makes it “different” from other people-pursued-by-nasty-things movies.
Second, it justifies the incompetence of the camera work and masks the bad dialogue/dialogue lapses with perpetual random chatter.
Third, it garners sympathy for the overall poor quality of the film and its characters.

What’s next, cute-kitty-cat-cam?  Defenseless-crawling-toddler-cam?

Exploiting-peoples-sympathies-for-a-buck-cuz-we’re-morally-and-artistically-bankrupt-cam?

Maybe this was just some sleazy film exec’s answer to the question: “How do we make people care about an otherwise generic horror flick?”

Alternate Title: ‘Little Susie’s Camera Fascination Meets BLOOD’

Alternate Title 2: ‘The Gore Glitch Project’

‘Area 407’ was filmed on location in a vacant field. *MST RIP*

The only halfway intelligent parts of the film play on government conspiracy paranoia, but there are only two of them and they last a combined 5 minutes, tops.  But I’m not gonna tell you where they are.  I sat through this pile of exploitative sh1t, and if you wanna find out, DIY.

Here’s maybe how this went down…*PYTHON RIP*

“Quite frankly, I think the central script system may need strengthening a bit.”
“Isn’t that going to put the cost up?”
“Ummmm…it might.”
“Well, I don’t know if I’d worry about strengthening THAT much…I mean, it’s not meant to be a luxury movie.”
“Quite agree, quite agree…I think provided the viewers are of light mind and relatively sedentary, and given a spot of good luck, I think we’re on to a winner here.”

Grade: F-

12/31/13: Two halfway-intelligent bits are two more than an F- should have.  Grade: F

No angels, lots of idiots.  Colossally stupid.

Bill Plympton’s amateurish and grotesque animation can actually be enjoyable over short periods of time and with the right ideas, but without any and at feature-film length, it’s just extremely painful.  And why, pray tell, are we supposed to feel any sympathy at all for this incredibly nasty piece of work?  The main character, that is.

BONUS:  No dialogue.

Grade: F

A touching, sad tale of true friendship.

It’s got gross moments and disturbing moments, but a lot more amusing and heartfelt ones.

It’s Claymation, there’s very little “action”…but it’s intelligent and I find it charming in a rather unique way.

Grade: B+

I don’t buy the intro.  She’s a psycho…and she’s not even an INTERESTING psycho…just a weird, moody, freaky-annoying one.  I mean, I guess chemistry is debatable, but it seems like the only reason she pursued him and anything happened at all is cuz it’s in the script and she’s an actress.

She’s a good movie example of a real-life type I’ve met before, and you probably have too: weird and freaky and chaotic and random and eager-to-fck because without those things you’d see what else was inside the very attractive outside shell.  Namely, dull nothingness.

And since she’s treated as the heroine and example of how to live a wonderful, “free” life, she (and by default, this movie) is championed by those who, deep down inside, fear they’re just as dull and shallow as she is…and/or random scumbags that like to do whatever they want without regard for anyone else and then fall apart when the time comes for something called “responsibility”.

I guess I’d be incredibly emotionally impressed if I, for a second, believed any aspect of their relationship.  But I’m either too smart, not smart enough, or not weird enough.  Oh well.  I do admire the ending, though.  I’d even call it brave and moving, if I cared about either character.

But it IS visually impressive…VERY impressive.  And the sequences become more elaborate and more intelligent and more humorous as they go on…for a while.  Then they crest and fade away, like a wave you thought could NEVER reach you…and it comes close, a lot closer than you thought it would…but in the end, you were right, and it quickly dissipates and is gone.

It’s challenging…a thought-provoking, in-your-face demand of self-evaluation.  In that sense, and as an exercise in artistic and visual mastery, it’s brilliant.  But it’s too mechanical and unbelievable, in the sense of how it actually plays out, to be anywhere near the masterpiece its legions of admirers hail it as.

To see something that’s closer to how I feel about this movie but that’s far too clever for me to be able to concoct, see ‘Depeche Mode – A Non-Puppy Perspective’.  Focus on the attitude in grudgingly awarding a decent grade, not the words.  You can almost feel the dismissive venom dripping off the screen.

Inspirational Quote: “I assume you fcked someone tonight.  Isn’t that how you get people to like you?”

Grade: B

5/3/14: I prefer character interaction over studio mastery, and the main characters don’t “interact”.  They stand near each other at times and repeatedly fail to sell the relationship at all.  Grade: B-

REALLY bad fx, REALLY bad acting, REALLY bad script, REALLY dumb “goth” lady who looks more comfortable in natural blood-splatter than she does in black makeup.

The great thing about quick cuts is that you don’t actually have to show the amazing action sequences.

Oh, and they forgot to write an ending.

Inspirational Scene: There’s blood in them thar hills!

Inspirationally Bad Choice For Anti-Zombie Weapon: Scythe

Grade: F-

Better than ‘The Devil’s Scissors’ but not as good as ‘The Devil’s Paper’.

But seriously, this movie deserves more than a snide little comment.  It starts off as a second-rate war film, but even then it’s decent enough to warrant/encourage watching further, especially in the hope/knowledge that the real movie is yet to come.  And it is.

With the setup being dispensed with, we are presented with a fairly gory supernatural-ish horror film.  Not a “gore-fest” because the acting, script, and intelligence level are far too good for that.  Not that they’re brilliant or anything, but they’re surprisingly decent.  There are some obvious holes in the plot and it’s not as clever as it wants to be, but it held my attention throughout and I can say that I’m actually glad I watched it, beyond being able to write a review on it.  I’ll never watch it AGAIN…there’s nothing I feel I may have “missed” the first time in terms of depth…but as recent unrated Netflix streaming horror movies go, this is a good one-time view.

Also, if you liked ‘Hellboy’, you’ll enjoy seeing a good rip of its opening.

Grade: C+

6/21/13: I did watch it again.  Turns out there was nothing I missed the first time, but I actually enjoyed watching it a second time.  I’m PRETTY sure I won’t watch it a third time though…I don’t have that “There’s-Something-About-‘Lo'” feeling.  Grade: B-

Drawing from their two best albums (‘Automatic For The People’/’Monster’) and nothing but produces the single best collection of music in one place they’ve ever managed.  Irrelevant by this point, perhaps, but I couldn’t resist.  Not for 99 cents.

And the video for “Everybody Hurts” is so obviously and completely heartfelt that it achieves grandiosity while avoiding maudlin sentimentality.  A benefit of sincerity, I suppose.

For the last five songs, I believe R. Christgau sums it up best: “Peter Buck’s sonic palette is rainbow grunge–variegated dirt and distortion as casual rhetoric–and he’s so cranked even the slow ones seem born to be loud.”

Inspirational Quote: “They that sow in tears shall reap in joy”

Grade: A-

Dead unjugged rabbit fish.

Only exception: The first cartoon, which tells the (very short) tale of a true romantic.

Cat, that is.

Grade: F

The only real signs of the horrible “pandemic” and its results are a few really angry people and a lot of flashbacks.  Other than that, it’s a fairly dull guy hanging out with a fairly gloomy teen: Looking at stuff, saying stuff that seems either boring or forced, doing chores, saying more stuff…and some stuff eventually happens.

It’s supposed to be extremely emotionally moving, as the music can attest to, and you might find it to be so.  But I doubt it, since I’m not at all resistant to being moved and this just strikes me as a fairly dull attempt at yet another apocalypse movie.

It does get much more interesting (and pandemicy) near the end…when they stop talking.

Grade: D

Stupid Stupid Stupid.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m tired of these motherf@cken zombies in this motherf@cken strip club!”

Grade: F-

So many different ways to mock this, where do I start…

Somewhat creepy and dark.  As such, a bit like ‘Lo’.  But I don’t anticipate watching this again once, let alone three times.  Because it’s most like the parts of ‘Lo’ I really didn’t like…if you enjoyed the songs/faces/arty touches from ‘Lo’, you might like this.  If you enjoyed ‘Lo’ because it was, at heart, a touching true romance, you’ll probably find this quite tedious.

It’s not a throwaway…a lot of care/planning obviously went into this.  Which makes it that much more disappointing that it fails to deliver much of anything except admittedly great imagery and boring, generic weirdness.

You don’t laugh with it, but you might laugh at it, if you don’t turn it off first.

My only consolation is the glimmering hope that I may live long enough for these works of brilliant songform to pass into the public domain.

Highlights: Being reminded briefly of ‘Lo’, and fervently hoping the woman with massive cleavage would be selected as a player. 

SPOILER ALERT: She isn’t.

Three “Sins” apparently punished: Greed, Suicide, and Trust.  HUH?

Inspirational Quote: “PRICK…PRICK…PRICK…PRICK…PRICK…PRICK…”

Grade: D-

I spent the majority of this movie trying to think of how to describe how bad it is.  I couldn’t think of anything clever.  I blame it on the movie, because there’s absolutely nothing clever in the movie.  Nothing.  Thank God for the time lapses.

Lone bright spot for me: woman looking vaguely like Jennifer Tilly.

Greatest moment of terrified suspense: “Will they show that guy’s a$$ crack or not?”

Grade: F-

The credits announce the introduction of Edward Furlong.  ‘American History X’, seven years later, announces the farewell of Edward Furlong, for legitimate movie purposes.

From the very beginning, you can tell that this sequel has something the original was completely lacking in: humor.  That is, INTENTIONAL humor.

Special FX are excellent, the complete role-reversal for Arnold is at the same time amusing and compelling, it’s not nearly as cheezy, and it’s aged a lot better.

But it’s still just a fairly fun-to-watch sci-fi-ish action flick, and it’s certainly not as good as the best of the genre, such as Cameron’s ‘Aliens’, which also featured (a different) “The Company”.

Grade: B-

Henry Hill and friends.

Pesci is amazing, DeNiro is great as usual, Liotta’s good, and the supporting cast is good.  “Truth is stranger than fiction”…sometimes, I guess.  But sometimes truth is exciting and sometimes truth is just kinda fcken dull…therefore, so is this movie.

But it’s great more often than it is dull, and that’s enough.

One comment, though…it’s REALLY sad when someone like Henry Hill, a womanizing drug addict who thought it was great to “live by the sword” but who ratted out his “friends” so he wouldn’t “die by the sword”, is looked upon by some as ANY kind of hero: tragic, flawed, or otherwise.

Inspirational Scene:  Do I have to say it?  He’s a funny guy.

Grade: A-

For once, Kevin Costner’s achievement equals his grand vision.  Unlike most of his pretentious “epics”, this doesn’t seem to go on way too long.

For those few recluses that don’t know already, it’s a very non-romanticized (from the European-American perspective) depiction of “How the West was won”:  not just through brave pioneering, but also by (let’s be honest) grand theft.

While the length isn’t a problem, there are parts that lag…but for the most part, this is a brilliant film.

Interesting to see, in particular, how similar ancient wisdoms can be.

Inspirational Quote: “And the only word that came to mind was ‘Harmony’.”

Grade: A

Hopefully this isn’t the chicken of tomorrow.

It’s a Troma film.  If you don’t know, that means it’s really low budget, really tasteless, and really cheezy.  But it does have some wit to it, in an appallingly disgusting sort of way.

To measure your tolerance level, watch ‘Dead Alive’ first.  If you can get through that, try ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’.  If you like BOTH…then try this, if you also don’t mind some nudity and tasteless (if somewhat witty) musical interludes.  And, let’s be honest…if you’ve got nothing better to do.

Inspirational Quote: “Shhh…you had me from “sh1t-covered mongoloid”.”

Grade: C-

Kevin Spacey is completely brilliant, as he usually is.

It’s very cleverly written, and because of that it makes you feel. 

It makes you feel sadness, loneliness, humor, desperation, longings for things past and long gone, brief moments of exhilaration…the same way the characters do.

But the characters seem to exist simply for this purpose.

They’re not very multi-dimensional at all…but in order for a movie to exist, there have to be characters.  So they do what they do, and you feel what you feel, and you think what you think…messages sent, points made, mission accomplished.

So it’s brilliant…but in the end, it all feels just a little bit empty.  And all the messages and points it makes fade away from your memory and emotion almost as quickly as they arrived, making them irrelevant. 

But that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to watch.  And it’s quite a glow, while it lasts.

Inspirational Quote: “Sometimes there’s so much…beauty…in the world…I feel like I can’t take it…and my heart…is just going to cave in.”

Grade: A-

The reason I avoid most Disney movies is quite simple: the songs.

I realize that such movies are made mainly for children, and that the songs’ simple melodies and simple portents/character sketches are good for short attention spans…but for me they are, at best, tolerable interludes between scenes from the actual movie.

So for me to willingly sit through them, the story has to be very interesting, and the songs have to be…well, kept to a minimum.  And at least of the “tolerable” variety.

This story is extremely interesting.  It’s simple enough for pretty much anyone to understand, but it’s not “childish”…a source of child-like wonder, if anything.  And I’m not so jaded that I’ve completely lost that part of myself.

Interesting, and somewhat heartwarming…but a few touches overly dramatic and simplistic.

And the SONGS…sigh.  Tolerable, but what a waste of time.

Inspirational Quote: “Allo.”

Grade: B

Has aged beautifully.

Why?  Because it was dated when it first came out.  It was SUPPOSED to be dated, it was SUPPOSED to be derivative…of all the things Lucas loved watching as a kid.  Nothing more, nothing less.

And it is a complete success at that.  It’s got action, adventure, thrills, chills, explosions, chases, true love (well, sort of).  In that way, it’s sort of like a less-funny, less-romantic, but much more EXCITING ‘Princess Bride’.

I loved it the first time, when I was seven.  I loved it the fiftieth time almost as much.

Grade: A

Morgan Freeman is absolutely brilliant, both as the narrator and a prisoner. 

Tim Robbins’ performance is like nothing I’ve seen him do before or since…Andy Dufresne is a monument of resiliency, ingenuity, and complete determination. 

The idea and script are brilliant and the whole “experience” is compelling.  A true cinematic achievement.

Parts of this are extraordinarily moving and/or extraordinarily sad…films that actually make me SAY “Wow…”…not just think it…are quite rare.

The warden and the head guard are pure sadists that hide behind the Bible, but there’s nothing Christian about them.  MUST be pure fiction, of course…I mean, people in positions of power flagrantly and sadistically abusing their power???  Some of the guards are very decent people…in all seriousness, both things are just as completely believable.

The effectiveness of patience and humility over pride. 

Epic.

Inspirational Quote: “Some birds aren’t meant to be caged.  Their feathers are just too bright.  And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice.  But still…the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they’re gone.”

Grade: A+

6/12/14: Thinking back to it, and on it, the roof scene seems a bit contrived.  The dialogue seems weak during the exchange and the guard’s performance is wooden.  That’s always sort of bugged me, and I think it’s bad enough to make me alter my grade.  Still a great movie, but it could’ve used just a tiny bit more polish to the script.  Grade: A

8/8/14: Robbins holds his own with Morgan Freeman. By the
middle I can’t even remember the tarring scene. Good enough for me.

Epic. And thank you for making me cry, again.

IQ2: “There’s something…inside…that they can’t get to, that they can’t touch. That’s yours.”

Grade: A+

Dustin Hoffman’s performance is impressive.

Tom Cruise’s…not so much.

He plays a cold, somewhat robotic, emotionally stunted arrogant a$$hole. 

And, from his performances since then, this doesn’t appear to be too much of a stretch for him.

Great story, could have been a great movie…but the acting isn’t always up to the task (excepting Hoffman) and the script could have used one more re-write.

Inspirational Quote: “No…could you repeat it cuz I, I can’t believe my fcken ears.”

Grade: B

If you’ve seen ‘Zombieland’, well then this is exactly the same.

Oh, with one difference…

THIS movie is a huge stinking pile of useless dumber-than-dumb gore sh1t.

Grade: F-

The most impressive thing about this stand-up routine with little bits of skit and moderate bits of song is that the level of tastelessness makes Louis C.K. look like Brian Regan.

The second most impressive thing is that Silverman remains deadpan throughout.

The third most impressive thing is that it’s still not nearly as funny as Louis C.K.

It is pretty good, though…if you don’t mind tasteless. (See quote for litmus test).

Inspirational Quote: “Oh God PLEASE let them find semen in my dead grandmother’s vagina.”

Grade: B-

Kinda creepy-funny.  At first, at least.

It’s a zombie movie from the zombie perspective.  Sort of like ‘Aaah! Zombies!!’, except this movie tries to be FAR more than it is capable of being.

The influences are obvious (but certainly not bad)…it’s even got a “Dr. Frankenstein”.  No “Bub”, though.  So think ‘Day Of The Dead’, ‘Fido’, ‘Shaun Of The Dead’, ‘Zombieland’…a little bit of each all rolled into one.  The problem is it’s not nearly as good as most of the sources it draws from.

It also features extreme moments of over-acting, many moments of tedium, and way too much drama.  And when I say drama I don’t mean touching interactions…I mean failed hackneyed attempts at touching interactions.

It’s better than most generic zombie sh1t, I’ll give it that, and it might make for interesting viewing if you’re a fan of any movie listed above and want to experience nostalgia, or for comparison purposes.

Inspirational Quote: “I SAID, get his finger out of my face!”

Grade: C-

Dig the James Bound intro.

Really bad.  Really. 

If you’ve seen every other cheezy “hey-I-made-a-horror” film, I guess this is…the one left.

BUT, if you stick it out, you get to see the director have fun with the credits.

Best parts: Jobs for bad union cameramen, MST3K-worthy script/acting, creepy polite guy.

Inspirational Scene: Finger-milking

Inspirational Quote: “Gimme that lobster.”

Grade: F

Visually impressive, with some good bits and really bad taste.

But this has always been the coldest, most cynical, least inspired, least structured, most inconsistent and just plain least interesting of the Python films…and the fact that on my 4th viewing the only thing I was pleasantly surprised to see again was Mr. Creosote is very depressing to me.

‘Flying Circus’ took clever and dared you to ignore it.  This takes clever and shoves it down your throat.

The ending song from ‘Life Of Brian’ said more on “meaning” than this whole movie does.

Grade: D

It’s kinda nice to see something light after a creepy ‘Twilight Zone’ episode.  Oh wait…this is a “horror” movie.  Somewhat gory, but mostly CHEEZY.

If you like really, really bad movies with horrific scripts, and you’ve already seen ‘Troll 2’ and ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’, this might sorta do the trick.  Otherwise it’s useless.

They’re not so much “flesh eating zombies” as they are “easily amused human lifters”.

Inspirational Quote: “My goose is cooked…I could get reform school for this!”

Grade: D-

It’s about ninja cheerleaders.

LOTS of cheeze…and a few quick random boob shots.

Bricka-Bracka firecracker sis boom bah, HAI-kiba HAI-kiba rah rah rah!!!
*Repeat four times, faster each time*

Inspirational Quote: “Now’s not the time for a philosophical debate anyway.”

Grade: F-

Before I watched it, first thought: this will be a necessary but otherwise irrelevant and amateurish rough draft for the superior remake (‘Let Me In’).

After watching it, I realized that I was correct.  It’s necessary if only because if it hadn’t been made, there’d be nothing to remake.  But otherwise it’s an inferior carbon copy…think a tolerable but merely decent if innovative old blues song reworked by Led Zeppelin.  You might admire the first more, but how many people would honestly rather LISTEN to the first more?

Differences that don’t matter: ‘Deliverance’-ness, credits done by Holy Grail Llamas.

Differences that do: less subtle, less challenging, longer but less flowing in progression, worse acting, dumber henchman.

In short, my first thought was right.  It’s not bad…but ‘Let Me In’ is much better.  And, since they’re virtually exactly the same apart from that which is noted above, this one is rendered redundant and irrelevant.  Any claims that ‘Let Me In’ is a “different” version of the book are nonsense…it’s a remake.  But it’s a far superior remake.  ‘Psycho’ the original ain’t.

So no, I don’t prefer the “dumb” American version over the “smart” original version.  It’s closer to the opposite, really.  But thanks for the idea, Sweden.

Grade: B-

Worthy of note:
A really good ‘Celebrity Jeopardy’
Lots of good impressions
The Paris Hilton
Weekend Update bits
Fallon’s eternal guitar-playing
cork-soaking
The Leather Man
Nick Burns, computer guy
Jimmy and Tina ‘Grease’ parody

…and some boring bits.

Grade: B+

Not quite halfway through, it goes from tolerable slightly witty dark/macabre comedy to stupid horror/comedy hybrid that fails at both.

Grade: D-

It’s amazing how little an SNL cast member can do and still get a greatest hits video.

Only somewhat worthy of note are “Overacting Negro Ensemble”, “Perspectives”, and “Not Gettin’ Any”.

Unfortunately, Chris Rock isn’t important to any of them.

Grade: D-

Hell must be fairly dull and generic. 

Ferrara doesn’t have his own schtick, and he’s not particularly funny.  But I do like some of his observations in a non-laughing way.

Grade: D

The first time I saw this (in 1995) I thought it was an intelligent thriller, with some stupid cop-buddy/action elements.  I was wrong.  It’s a stupid cop-buddy/action movie with SOME intelligent thriller elements.

Bruce Willis does about as good as he can, and for this sort of movie it’s enough.

The race card is WAY overplayed (Think Tim Meadows’ “whitey” commentary) and the “buddy” part is very forced.

If you’re patient, it picks up a bit in the second half.

Ist mediocre, ya?

Coolest Character: Bomb expert guy

Grade: D+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-

A darkly beautiful work of art.  Flawed but brilliant.

Nic Cage’s (Co-Producer) greatest contribution to cinema.

Most importantly, to quote a post I made immediately after I last saw this film (until just now):

‘Wow.

Chilling.  In one movie, understatement, subtle comedy, and the performance of Willem Dafoe’s career come together to provide what decades of slasher films have failed to – Terror.’

Or, as paraphrased from Robert Christgau…

“…nightmares of a world in flames, the kind you remember in all their scary inconsistency because you woke up (screaming) in the middle. How it will all end I couldn’t say…”‘

– ‘Shadow of the Vampire’, 12/18/10, Puppy

Grade: A-

Ok, so this is just as easily laughed at and dismissed by modern horror fans for its obvious deficiencies as it is lauded by rabid Romero fans for its obvious strengths.

The reality, for me, is somewhere in the middle.  Or perhaps both at once.

The “action” is cheezy B-grade, the “exciting” music and “shocking” FX are terribly dated, and the acting, for the most part, isn’t any better than the original.

In fact, it’s actually WORSE at times…which is difficult to comprehend given the time and budget Romero had to make this with compared to ‘Night’.

So what’s good about it?  Well, while it’s not particularly “scary” anymore, it’s certainly creepy.  There’s lots of little ironic/dark/witty touches and ideas that you won’t find in most of the admittedly more “realistic” alterations that have been done to death since.

But messages are best received in watchable formats.  Otherwise, just write an op-ed piece.  So the idea that this film is “important” because of what Romero may have been trying to say is absurd, as is the idea that it’s “important” because of the obvious influence it had on later zombie flicks.  ‘The Last Man On Earth’ was influential, but there’s no way I’d ever sit through that mess again.

The sad thing is…with ALL the problems with this film, with all the areas that could easily be improved upon, with all the bare ideas that could be made so much better…most zombie flicks STILL aren’t as good.  I don’t know of any other genre of film that fails to produce works 25-30 years after a dated archetype that aren’t BETTER than that archetype.

Grade: C+

The best Trek movie ever. 

Why?  Because it doesn’t try to get too cerebral and make science “fiction” sense…it tries to entertain.  And how do we do that, without a great script?  By producing characters of extremes that we all know and love (or hate) and a great conflict and having lots of really dramatic/emotional/adrenalized scenes.

Besides Nimoy and Montalban, the actors here are very limited in scope.  But they’ve had their characters for the most part already defined…all they have to do is fall in step with what is expected, not break any new ground.  And that’s exactly what they do.

Kirstie Alley, unfortunately, shows only slightly less emotion as a Vulcan than she does several years later as a human on ‘Cheers’.

Recommendation: If you hated the original Trek you won’t like this.  This is very First-Generational, NOT Second-Generational…not cerebral enough.  If you liked the original Trek, watch the episode ‘Space Seed’ right before this. You might also want to read a little ‘Moby Dick’. If you couldn’t care less and think all the fuss is really dumb, you’ll like this as much as you’ll like any other good sci-fi action flick.

Hey, James Horner on music.  I love that guy.

It’s not ‘Aliens’, but, like gasoline since Prohibition, “it ain’t bad”.

The ultimate explosive sci-fi soap opera.

Inspirational Quote: “You’ve managed to kill just about everyone else but like a poor marksman you KEEP MISSING the TARGET…”

Grade: B+

5/26/13: It’s not ‘Aliens’.  But maybe I should rate ‘Aliens’ a little higher.  Grade: A-

Well, I had to watch it a second time (part of it) because I apparently fell asleep near the end.  So, I guess what I’m saying with that comment is that all of it is dated.

This wouldn’t necessarily be that much of a problem, but most of it is very recent and as such is intended to be cutting-edge and relevant.

So there’s lots of good Tina Fey as Palin, but most of the best parts are quick flashbacks to no-longer-relevant parodies, which by this point aren’t much more irrelevant that the rest, but are funnier before they’re quickly cut off.

Amy Poehler’s Palin-rap ending is still cool, though.

Grade: C

It’s a zombie flick.

The setting is fairly interesting as zombie flicks go, the zombie make-up is decent, and there’s halfway-decent acting from a no-name cast.

But there’s nothing “believable” about it, you don’t really care about any of the characters, and nothing especially exciting happens aside from the usual.  After about halfway through it gets really stupid as “internal conflict” is introduced for no apparent reason other than…well, you have to have that in a zombie flick!

They’re a cross between en”rage”d and zombified…seem to drift back and forth for no adequately explored reason.

So there’s really nothing here that’s not better…blah blah blah…but if you love zombie movies it’s tolerable.

Grade: D

“part mockumentary” – Yes, really dry and fairly dull for the most part.

“part unabashed gore-fest” – Very, very little of that.

Gets a bit Blair-Witchy in the second half.

Grade: D-

‘Glory’ is the story of the forming, training, and performance of the 54th Massachusetts Regiment during the American Civil War.

Based upon letters written from newly-commissioned Colonel Robert Gould Shaw to his mother during the period of events chronicled, it is as interesting for its character development and interaction as it is for its (obvious) social and historical message.

Matthew Broderick is excellent in an (appropriately) understated performance (rare thing to say for a lead, I know…) as young Colonel Shaw, convincingly portraying both the naivete and conviction of a young man thrown in quite over his head into something he believes in but can’t quite fathom, at least in the beginning.

Morgan Freeman is brilliant (as usual) and Denzel Washington fully deserves the Academy Award he won for playing the passionate and defiant runaway slave Trip. One of the most powerful scenes in the movie occurs when these two actors, whose characters could barely be more different while still respecting each other, bring their conflicting philosophies to a logical argumentative conclusion.

I only have two complaints about the movie.

First, the battle scenes are a bit hokey and dated (not to the period of the movie, which is a GOOD thing, but to the limits of the battle “choreography” and the acting talents of the very extra extras), and second (and most annoying) the comparatively embarrassingly mediocre performance by Cary Elwes, who hit his professional pinnacle with ‘The Princess Bride’ and seems to be unsure if he’s a dramatic actor or a satirist, which, in a movie of this caliber and type, is a bit of a problem.

One last thing…

Roger Ebert, in his long-ago review, complained about the movie focusing on Robert Gould Shaw, saying it was racist and merely playing up to a “white” audience to focus on his contributions.

This is nonsense.

Shaw was the driving force behind the 54th, and is no less a hero than the brave men that fought alongside him. Saying that the movie focuses unnecessarily on his role is ignorant and just plain false, the sort of nonsense that gives Liberals (of which I am, to a certain extent, one) a bad name.

I mean, Shaw WAS their leader…the actions of the 54th are displayed exactly as they should – a brave leader and his brave men, together, each no better and no worse.

Grade: A

11/16/23: Just a little cleanup.

Hey, Jason Mewes.  At first I was like “Hey, that guy looks and sounds kinda like Jason Mewes”…then I realized it was.

It’s a dark comedy, the tasteless but (in this case only kinda) funny sort you’d expect from Jay. And he basically plays Jay here, not quite as constantly-jabbering and with shorter hair, but pretty much Jay.

There’s really nothing more to it than that.  So, in the category it squarely falls into, it’s not nearly as good as ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’, or even ‘Idle Hands’.  But if you liked both of those, you could probably sit through this tolerably if you had nothing better to do.

Inspirational Quote: “Is she dead…er?”

Grade: D

It’s a zombie movie set right after the Civil War.

So I guess that’s how it’s “different” from other zombie movies.  That’s the hook.

Otherwise it’s the same old sh1t, nothing special.  Kinda pointless, really.  Unless you want a historical fictional account of how the whole zombie thing started.  Very dull, though.

The great thing about making this movie is that it must have been REALLY cheap.  I mean, a few uniforms, some old pistols, lots of make-up, and rent a national park or forest.  There you go!

Inspirational Quote: “She was very different from me.  She was…younger.”

Grade: F

*SHUDDER*  Comedy For Dummies.

Dated, dated, dated.  Before he departed on his really mediocre film career he made a lot of mediocre sketches, only occasionally saved by the people he worked with and/or who wrote for him.

This sh1t was barely worth watching when it was new, never mind seeing a whole stinking pile of it many years later.  Recommended only for the very young and the very stupid.

Grade: F

11/23/12: “occasionally saved by the people he worked with and/or who wrote for him.” Grade: D-

Extremely simplistic “modern” re-telling of ‘Inferno’, the first part of Dante Alighieri’s ‘Divine Comedy’.

The “animation” is truly wretched, and the “modern” references just make it seem absurd/silly, not more relevant.  So it’s pointless. 

I only really watched it because I saw James Cromwell’s name in the credits.

Not for kiddies…the little jokes and quips aren’t really funny, so only watch this if you want to know the story (sort of) without having to read it.  But I can’t imagine this would possibly scare anyone, and unlike the original poem, it’s completely without majesty.

Grade: F

Featuring:
The McLaughlin Group
Massive Headwound Harry
Gerald Ford (and wolves)
Carsenio
Grumpy Old Man
Swayze fantasy
affectionate Italian restaurant
psychic game show contestant
“Choppin’ Broccoli” and other hits
George F. Will’s Sports Machine
‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ lost ending (You won’t find it on the Netflix Shatner episode)

Little bits:
Jimmy Stewart
porn hearing
McCartney and Sinead
Dylan translation
Dennis Miller/Dennis Miller
Bush V. Dukakis
Bush impressions

And of course some really dated stuff that ISN’T funny.  But not too much.

Grade: A-

2/25/13: Ehhh…let me amend: some REALLY dated stuff that ISN’T funny AT ALL and is borderline painful.  And too much.  This could use a little trimming.  Grade: B+

The cover and the description make it seem like it’s about a woman who seduces men and then eats them.  It’s not.

She doesn’t have an “insatiable appetite”.  Her vagina does.  It’s insatiable.  And very talkative.

So if you’re looking for shock/horror/controversy/gore/drama, this is akin to ‘How To Get Ahead In Advertising’.  But it’s not even good for a burlesque laugh because almost all the scenes involving her vagina also involve her being raped.

She does try to limit it to only the sleaziest of men, so there’s the “tragic hero” part. I guess.

It’s also very badly made…half of the extras apparently either don’t know they’re extras or forgot NOT to look at the camera.

Unlike ‘Lo’ (I did it again), this is not something to watch again.  In fact, having read this, the only reason to watch it at all is if you like rape scenes, plain and simple.

Inspirational Quote: “They can’t find him, they found his car down by the har-bar!”

Grade: F-

Watching this, I didn’t care whether he succeeded or not. I did, however, noticing his ‘Reservoir Dogs’ resemblance, dub him “Annoying Orange”.

Just as quirky/weird as ‘Lo’, but not nearly as interesting despite the topic.  In fact, my favorite part of writing this review has been getting to reference ‘Lo’ again. Amidst a sea of sh1t, a B is a beacon of light.

If this isn’t a parody of ‘Fight Club”s flagrantly absurd quasi-Nietzschean gibberish, it should be.  I take it as such, to get any enjoyment out of it.

Aleister Crowley wasn’t talking about this guy…

Inspirational Quote: “Eww…Stop! God!…I mean there is so much fcked up sh1t in this world that we can’t control, why the FCK would you ever wanna add to it??”

Grade: D

10/4/12: I’VE GOT IT!  How could I have been so BLIND?
There are 5 messages in this movie:
1) ALWAYS explore fantasy/roleplay before venturing into reality (e.g. cutting your arms off)
2) All anyone with a major anxiety/panic disorder really needs is a good SHOCK to the system (take THAT, psychiatric profession!  And Bembridge scholars!)
3) When writing a movie (or sketch), it’s important to remember that there should always be a “beginning”, a “middle”, and an “ending”.  Writing only one usually leads to poor results. (See ‘Kids In The Hall – Episode  17’ (Kevin’s middle) )

Inspirational Answer To My Question From The Movie: What does this movie have, after the premise? – “There’s nothing there…there’s nothing there…”

Grade: D-

Pretentious dull nonsense/nasty quasi-religious bdsm nonsense breaking up scenes of women dressed as nuns having softcore sex at:

26:25, 33:07, 1:00:05

You’re welcome.

Grade: F

With the two exceptions of 1) featuring REALLY has-been scream-queen Linnea Quigley (who is best watched in ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’) and 2) featuring cougar-heads that made me actually half-laugh/half go “Oh, COME on…” this can be best summed up, as it relates to the indescribably no-genre ‘1313: Frankenqueen’, by the following exchange…

“So…what do you think?”
“I THINK…that it’s exactly the same…yeah…it’s exactly the same.”

Grade: F-