Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Angst (2003)

The cover and the description make it seem like it’s about a woman who seduces men and then eats them.  It’s not.

She doesn’t have an “insatiable appetite”.  Her vagina does.  It’s insatiable.  And very talkative.

So if you’re looking for shock/horror/controversy/gore/drama, this is akin to ‘How To Get Ahead In Advertising’.  But it’s not even good for a burlesque laugh because almost all the scenes involving her vagina also involve her being raped.

She does try to limit it to only the sleaziest of men, so there’s the “tragic hero” part. I guess.

It’s also very badly made…half of the extras apparently either don’t know they’re extras or forgot NOT to look at the camera.

Unlike ‘Lo’ (I did it again), this is not something to watch again.  In fact, having read this, the only reason to watch it at all is if you like rape scenes, plain and simple.

Inspirational Quote: “They can’t find him, they found his car down by the har-bar!”

Grade: F-

Armless (2010)

Watching this, I didn’t care whether he succeeded or not. I did, however, noticing his ‘Reservoir Dogs’ resemblance, dub him “Annoying Orange”.

Just as quirky/weird as ‘Lo’, but not nearly as interesting despite the topic.  In fact, my favorite part of writing this review has been getting to reference ‘Lo’ again. Amidst a sea of sh1t, a B is a beacon of light.

If this isn’t a parody of ‘Fight Club”s flagrantly absurd quasi-Nietzschean gibberish, it should be.  I take it as such, to get any enjoyment out of it.

Aleister Crowley wasn’t talking about this guy…

Inspirational Quote: “Eww…Stop! God!…I mean there is so much fcked up sh1t in this world that we can’t control, why the FCK would you ever wanna add to it??”

Grade: D

10/4/12: I’VE GOT IT!  How could I have been so BLIND?
There are 5 messages in this movie:
1) ALWAYS explore fantasy/roleplay before venturing into reality (e.g. cutting your arms off)
2) All anyone with a major anxiety/panic disorder really needs is a good SHOCK to the system (take THAT, psychiatric profession!  And Bembridge scholars!)
3) When writing a movie (or sketch), it’s important to remember that there should always be a “beginning”, a “middle”, and an “ending”.  Writing only one usually leads to poor results. (See ‘Kids In The Hall – Episode  17’ (Kevin’s middle) )

Inspirational Answer To My Question From The Movie: What does this movie have, after the premise? – “There’s nothing there…there’s nothing there…”

Grade: D-

1313: Cougar Cult (2012)

With the two exceptions of 1) featuring REALLY has-been scream-queen Linnea Quigley (who is best watched in ‘The Return Of The Living Dead’) and 2) featuring cougar-heads that made me actually half-laugh/half go “Oh, COME on…” this can be best summed up, as it relates to the indescribably no-genre ‘1313: Frankenqueen’, by the following exchange…

“So…what do you think?”
“I THINK…that it’s exactly the same…yeah…it’s exactly the same.”

Grade: F-

Project X (1987)

“Shock The Monkey” has nothing to do with animal testing.  But it does make an appropriate theme song.

After ‘WarGames’ in 84, where he successfully played a kid, I believe this is Broderick’s first real “grown-up” role.  Unlike ‘WarGames’, this movie is not terribly dated.  It’s actually quite well-written and well-acted, and the sympathy it evokes in me is real.

Here’s my take on omnivores: As one, I feel no responsibility to act any better or worse than is expected of any other.  Therefore, as all other omnivores do, I eat both plants and animals.  No other omnivore is criticized for behaving as is in its nature.  However, by the same reasoning, no other omnivore kills, or even hurts, another animal unless it is in direct self-defense of self or “family”, or to eat them.  They don’t do it for sport, or “research”, or “enjoyment” (see sadist).

That’s why animal testing shows that we are, in fact, lower than chimps if we watch this movie and do NOT feel great sympathy for them and great resentment at the humans willingly doing things such as this to them.  Human beings are the only natural life forms that ever behave contrary to the basic laws of nature.  No wonder we’re the only ones actually destroying the nature that provides us with life.

All that being said…after the initial premise is established and taken to its logical conclusion, how much do you really want to watch “Chimpanzees Gone Wild”/”The Great Chimp Escape”?

I said I felt sympathy for the chimps, not the movie.

Inspirational Characters: Virgil/J. Garrett

Grade: C+

Xombie: Dead On Arrival (2003)

A collection of chapters forming a short “film” (about 50 minutes).

The animation is horrid and it’s nothing special…but if you want to see something zombie-ish that’s both kinda cutesy and kinda gross, you might want to check it out.

Also, the music’s cool.

Grade: C

3/1/13: Nothing special.  I was in a generous mood.  Grade: D+

The Dead Undead (2010)

For those that might watch for this reason: there’s NO nudity.

This movie brought to you by the random rounds of ammunition corporation, who remind you to use random rounds of ammunition every day as part of a healthy diet. 

Also the make-a-zombie-movie-to-get-your-friends’-music-into-it foundation.

And the HAIKIBA!-jumping-ZV’s foundation.

And finally the Mad-Cow-induced-Ebay-Selling-Vampires foundation.

Have I mentioned there’s absolutely NO nudity?

This got the same Netflix rating as ‘Lo’???!!!

The only way to enjoy this movie, supplied by a character from it: “You have to destroy the brain completely.”

This review inspired in part by the rip-MST3K-and-MPFC foundation.

That comment inspired by the UAF foundation. (Figure it out…come on…it’s easy).

Inspirational Quote: “Wanna shower first?”

Grade: F-

Ink (2009)

I know this is supposed to be deep and “meaningful” and touching and all, but to me, after watching ‘Lo’ – which I don’t know why I’m invoking except it’s fresh in my mind – it just seems a bit pretentious and overly dramatic.

Actually perhaps that’s why I’m invoking ‘Lo’…because it isn’t pretentious and overly dramatic.

There’s lots of fast-motion effects, like ’28 Days Later’-ish, but they don’t seem to be for any apparent reason…other than to be impressive. OK during fight scenes, not so much during the shaving scene.

There’s a time theme here…I get that.

The girl looks more bored/annoyed than scared…and rightfully so. So am I.

I guess I appreciate the symmetry…but everything: the flashbacks, the SFX, the lighting, the arty shots, (the symmetry), the wonderfully touching meaning/purpose…can’t hide the fact that this is still a fairly dull movie.

The idea is really great…but the script and the actors don’t even come close to fully realizing what the dream of that idea could be.

Grade: D

Jeffrey Ross: No Offense (2008)

With the easy air of a seasoned pro, Jeff rattles off quip after quip, each fantastically polished to a perfect, lustrous sheen while maintaining the “offhand” attitude of someone who “just made ’em up”.  He’s a true pro, really, and his jokes are decent.  But after having watched him REALLY let loose on several roasts, and especially seeing reels of Bill Hicks’ relatively sloppy but infinitely more inspired and FELT act the day before, this blast from the past just seems like a lounge act phony.  No offense, Jeff.  Unlike Hicks, you’re very dependable and relaxing.

Grade: C

American: The Bill Hicks Story (2010)

I’ve always liked Bill Hicks. He was funny, and I admired his honesty, courage, and lack of pretension.

But I don’t think he was ever as good a comic as he wanted to be, or as the world wanted him to HAVE been, after he died. I believe that if he hadn’t died of cancer, he would have just faded away slowly.

In death he became a tragic hero. But stories about heroes are usually exaggerated, if based on fact. He was too angry, with the world AND his own life, to be a true “stand-up comic”…he would have made one hell of a Crusader, though.

But not too many of those jobs are open anymore.

Anger is an Energy.

Inspirational Idea: Love

Grade: B

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: B-

Louis C.K.: Chewed Up (2008)

This guy seems to be really popular lately amongst the artsy/cutting-edge crowd.

Remembering having seen him do stand-up a while ago and recalling him as being funny, I was a bit disappointed because generally that means said comedian is pretentious and weird without being particularly funny.  Maybe he’s popular in that crowd because he’s white, totally irreverent, and uses the “n” word (he covers that) and doesn’t seem scared.  Also, he’s clever, crude, and in bad taste…and says things probably a lot of said people WANT to say.

But I was surprised, when I watched this, that I was RIGHT…he IS funny.  Completely tasteless, and not hilarious or anything “unique”, but very funny.

Highlights: N word/C word/F word combo, anti-deer rant, “buckets of disease” rant, crazy waitress rant

Inspirational Quote: “When people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams”

Grade: B+

Saturday Night Live: The Best Of Will Ferrell: Vol. 1 (1995)

“Cowbell” is here, so that makes watching ‘The Best Of Christopher Walken’ even less necessary. 

But there’s a lot of mediocre/boring sh1t here, too…so if you’re not dying to see “Celebrity Jeopardy” or Ferrell’s great James Lipton impression again, this isn’t necessary either.

Grade: C

Clash Of The Titans (1981)

Perhaps I’m a bit biased because of memories from childhood (point of reference: I bought a BRAND SPANKING NEW Atari 2600 and had an “Oh, Joy!” moment) but this is certainly right up there in the “as good as it gets” department for this sort of film.  Dialogue and SFX are cheezy, of course.  But this is a fantasy movie made in 1981…I think that’s almost a given.

What sort of film is it?  It’s a D+D/Fantasy flick.  Not a fictional movie that happens to be set in a fantasy “world”.  What’s the difference?  The ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy are movies based in fantasy worlds.  ‘Dragonslayer’ and ‘Krull’ are D+D/Fantasy flicks.  Two completely different categories.

The difference between these two categories, assuming both are “good” for what they are, is depth.

Depth of characters, depth of plot, depth of emotions/reactions that require/allow intellectual and/or philosophical analysis…as opposed to simply sitting back and enjoying the escapist ride.  Don’t get me wrong…I LIKE this, to an extent.  I like several movies of this sort.  They just honestly aren’t very GOOD if I’m going to be brutally frank about it.  And I am.

Think of it as your favorite junk food: very enjoyable in small doses but not really WORTH anything and if you have too much you might want to throw up.

Highlights: Medusa battle and mechanical owl self-test.

Grade: C+

Dogs Decoded: Nova (2010)

Very well-made, very well-supported, very interesting, very informative, and very cute.

This settles the “Cats vs. Dogs” intelligence argument pretty well, for those that actually still needed it answered.  Unless you consider cats smarter than 2-year-old humans.  Most dog-haters I’ve met say they “hate” kids, so I guess that’s a very real/sad possibility.

Or, unless you consider “domestication” in any way related to stupidity.  But if you believe that, you probably think that civilized human beings are stupid. 

The ability to obey commands is a sign of intelligence, not stupidity.

By the way, I like cats.  But to suggest that they’re smarter than dogs is…well, stupid.

Ruff!

Grade: B+

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: B

Saturday Night Live: The Best Of Christopher Walken (2004)

Worth watching basically for “Cowbell” (of course) and “Colonel Angus” right at the beginning, maybe the ‘Dead Zone’ parody a little later, and the very ending bit where Walken gives away what everyone always knew or at least suspected.  Skip the rest safely.

Inspirational Quote: “Just to be, how you say, douchebag.”

Grade: C+

Night Of The Living Dead (1968)

This is NOT the “first” zombie movie.  That being said, it IS the movie without which NONE of the zombie/undead/infected/parody/etc… movies that followed would have been possible.  However, that alone doesn’t make it worthy of anything except a high-five and a footnote. 

It doesn’t make it worthy of viewing or analysis.

What makes it worthy of viewing/analysis is the fact that even 40+ years after its release, it’s still creepy and interesting, if not quite scary.  The script is a bit lacking, it’s a bit cheezy sure, the running woman falls down yeah, and the “FX” and scary soundtrack are horribly dated.

But it’s amazing that it’s STILL a legitimate horror movie today, unlike the vast majority of the 60’s B movies (And this is a B movie, like it or not) that are just dull, boring, stupid, and/or completely irrelevant and worthless except as MST fodder.

The basement scene involving a sharp object is a lot more disturbing/shocking than Hitchcock’s shower scene it obviously draws from.  And the ending says more about Humanity than every Romero-wannabe collectively has, ever.

I take back my ‘Survival’ comment…you really did have something(s) to say, George.  But you should have stopped at ‘Land’.

Inspirational Quote: “They’re coming to get you, Barbara…”

Grade: B

1313: Frankenqueen (2012)

From the director who brought you ‘Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama’…

A horror film remarkable for the fact that nothing horrible actually happens.

Well, the first hour is almost-naked men walking around, showering, exercising and lying down with a woman watching them intermittently and taking notes.

At around the hour mark the “plot” begins, then pauses briefly for more showering, then picks up again just in time for the movie to end.

I think I saw some of them drinking Schmitt’s Gay by the pool, too.

Talk about a great time for Shirt-In-A-Can.

I give it a 9.6 on the Das-ometer.

Grade: F-

Colin & Brad: Two Man Group (2011)

Advantages over watching a ‘Whose Line’ repeat: Completely new bits, no “hoedown”.

Unfortunately, that’s all.  The new bits aren’t all that exciting, the old bits seem a little stale and aren’t any better than any given episode, and with Brad Sherwood as opposed to Ryan Stiles, it’s just not as funny…Colin and Ryan were the two funniest improvers on the show, and they had a great chemistry.

I just don’t see/feel that with Colin and Brad.  Besides, Brad was never all that funny.

It’s very “pleasant” and inoffensive, but it’s not worth the time for anyone except hardcore ‘Whose Line’ fans that have memorized every episode.

Grade: D+

Payback (1999)

Hmmm…not exactly ‘Braveheart’ this time.  More like ‘PettyThiefScumbag-Heart’

I mean, are we supposed to root for this guy?  He’s as unlikeable as Gibson himself after his anti-Jewish/anti-female comments.

I actually found myself rooting for the “bad guys” to win.  I mean, just on sheer “PRINCIPLE”, you know.  Apparently, Porter’s idea of romance is to beat the woman you “love” savagely until she “realizes” what’s “good for her”.  What a maggot.

I guess the problems of a wife-beating scumbag and the prostitute he used to pimp out don’t amount to a hill of beans in this cockamamie world…

1:24:00 – YAY!!!  Errrr…is that wrong?

WAIT A MOMENT…this movie was different the first time I saw it.  It had Kris Kristofferson and they beat the heck out of Porter.  It was watchable then, cuz Kristofferson was the highlight.  Now the ending is just plain non-existent.  But at least it ends.  I mean, D@MN…

Inspirational Quote: “Man, that’s just MEAN”

Grade: D- (Before the Director’s (horrible) Cut): C-

Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)

For those of you who can’t get enough Eddie Murphy, here’s some more.

Axel is still smarter than everyone else, Taggart is still grumpy, the head cop is still a dumb jerk.

But Rosewood…Rosewood has transformed from pleasant, naive greenhorn into a Rambo-inspired walking arsenal.  A very pleasant, borderline-disturbed walking arsenal.

It’s aged a bit better than the original, but neither of these were ever anything to really care about either way.  You don’t love it, you don’t hate it, you just watch it and then immediately forget it.

Sort of like Murphy’s film career.

Grade: B-

Vampires (1998)

‘John Carpenter’s – Latest Bad Movie’.

It’s just so dull and stupid that I wasn’t sure what to write about it, other than it being really dull and stupid.  So I was SO thankful when I found this little gem and saved myself the 30-40 seconds it would take to think of a usable description-

“ridiculous without being awful enough to be hilarious.” – Lawrence Van Gelder, The New York Times

No relation to Van Helsing or Van Gelder, Simon.

Grade: D-

And Now For Something Completely Different (1971)

Like the boys brigade, USELESS.

‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus – The Greatest Hits’???

What a load of garbage.  I mean, I understand they wanted to introduce themselves to the United States…but this just cuts out seemingly arbitrary pieces of their episodes and pastes them together while lamely attempting to “Americanize” the references.  I thought they were AGAINST conformity?  Well, here’s conformity…sanitized, commercialized, badly American-ized for the masses.

‘Flying Circus’ was what five guys thought was funny (plus an insanely inspired animator).

This is apparently what five guys thought would make them some money.

Grade: F

Idle Hands (1999)

Here’s something worthy of nose…
Intro: well, at least he/she/it was telling the truth in the end.

11:18- A young Frank Black?

In horribly bad taste, of course…but like ‘The Return of the Living Dead’, the complete lack of pretentiousness and the self-mockery make it kinda fun, as “horror” movies go.  But, UNlike ‘Return’, unfortunately, it gets comparatively dull in the second half.

One of the very rare cases where self-bondage prevents murder and allows sex with Jessica Alba.

Fav character- Crusading Druid Priestess in a van on Druid time

Inspirational Quote: “My work here is done.  Time for the ritualistic sex.”

Grade: C+

7/7/18: Do I overrate because I feel better or do I underrate because I feel worse? I don’t know. Grade: D+

Beverly Hills Cop (1984)

Kids, this is “Eddie Murphy”.  He was kinda funny back in the 80’s.

I hereby apologize to Chris Tucker for saying he’s no Eddie Murphy (see ‘Rush Hour’).  With the benefit of hindsight I realize that Tucker is better in ‘Rush Hour’ than Murphy is in this, or pretty much anything else I’ve ever seen him in.  And I’ve seen him in a lot.

I believe that a significant portion of my belief that this was a great movie (since dispelled) came from the fact that I saw it in grade school and compared to ‘Family Ties’ it was a work of comedic brilliance…and really COOL!

Moments of note:
Everything except “Axel F” sounding dated and stupid
Basil-rogue-cop-exposition/Basil-Hills-Cop-exposition
Murphy’s foreshadowing of his brilliant performance in ‘Shrek’
Robocop-exec-as-goodguy
Rosewood the naive effeminate heterosexual

Grade: C+

X-Men (2000)

It’s a superhero soap opera.

Does so-and-so REALLY like so-and-so?  Does so-and-so REALLY have a crush on so-and-so?  And what about so-and-so’s dark secret???

So it’s all very obvious, like a soap opera always is, but it’s fairly entertaining if you can get past the shallowness of almost all the characters and just enjoy it as a sci-fi-ish action/adventure flick.

Grade: B-

Colin Quinn: Long Story Short (2011)

No…this long story is long.

I kept waiting for it to either end or get better. It ended.

Quinn wasn’t even talented enough to replace Norm MacDonald’s indifferent occasional brilliance on SNL, let alone summarize the history of humanity in an hour and a half. I’ve seen him be funny, but this is just dull.

Grade: D

A Boy And His Dog (1975)

Harlan Ellison NO! It’s ‘Horny Max – Beyond SpermDome’

Non-fans of Don Johnson may want to take a quick peek at this.  I believe it wasn’t actually INTENDED to be pure camp…

“A young man roaming a postapocalyptic wasteland ends up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society — which wants his sperm.” – Netflix Streaming Description

Wow…sounds like a dream I had once.

Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get back in the dirt so I feel clean!”

Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

Dragonlance: Dragons Of Autumn Twilight (2008)

What an amazingly bad animated film/crushing blow to the wistful memories of a young lad reading the not-anywhere-near-as-embarrassing (quite good, actually) book of the same name.

If you’re a fan of the series (that is to say, ‘Chronicles’ and ‘Legends’, not the bloated franchise which followed) like I am, rest assured, from one fan to another- this is NOT a case of people just “not getting it” when you hear that this sucks.  It sucks.  It’s embarrassing/laughable to watch.

Highlight: Tika’s animated butt

Grade: F

Life Is Beautiful (1998)

I don’t get it.

It’s as funny as ‘Hogan’s Heroes’ or a really bad Stooges short.

It’s a mediocre slapstick farce set against the backdrop of The Holocaust.

It’s unfunny, it’s dull, it’s a trivialization.

I believe in the power of positive thinking…but to think that “positive thinking” can in any way, shape or form turn a Concentration Camp into a fun little game is absurdism.

Grade: D

5/3/14: My comments are accurate, but I needed to make the grade more precise.  Grade: D-

Food, Inc. (2009)

Extremely informative, and well made.

However it’s not the most EXCITING subject in the world…so I’d recommend, if you want to get all the information without having to watch the movie, just going to the website…

www.takepart.com/foodinc

Information is power, after all.  But sometimes it doesn’t make all that interesting a movie.

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

Hellraiser III: Hell On Earth (1992)

Oh my golly will you look at that.  Clive has made a movie that’s ALMOST as good as ‘Lord of Illusions’.  Let’s do the math…from 87 to 92 to achieve a tiny step up, from 92 to 95 to achieve another.  Perhaps, if I look really hard, I can find something he’s made recently that is a worthy candidate to stand alongside ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’.

The lone positive you can take out of the club massacre scene is that, being a goth-y club, at least 10 percent of the people probably didn’t mind it all that much.

Grade: D-

Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988)

Fans will insist that I just don’t get it, but I do.  It just sucks. 

If you’ve noticed, the longer reviews tend to be for movies that made me think a lot.  ‘Natural Born Killers’, for example, even though I didn’t like it.

There’s no thinking involved here.  It’s Wanna-Be-Stephen-King’s little slice of Hell, part deux.

Grade: F

Airplane II: The Sequel (1982)

This movie is as different from the first as the title suggests.

It’s got a lot of funny/interesting gags, but they were funnier and more interesting the first time.

Since this is otherwise basically a carbon copy of the original, there’s absolutely nothing “new” here…you might laugh at the jokes, but they won’t surprise you.  Why?  Because they’re the same kind of jokes as in the first one, only not quite as good and (obviously) not quite as fresh.

At least ‘The Naked Gun’ plopped funny/interesting meaninglessness into a new setting.

But I still like it…not as much as the first, but it’s not nearly as abysmal as some people would lead you to believe.  ‘Airplane!’ wasn’t exactly a work of cinematic art, so let’s not get too down when the sequel is a (slightly-less) pleasant bit of fluff.

Grade: B

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-