Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Not as interesting as ‘Dogs Decoded’, and certainly not nearly as cute.

But it ain’t bad.

Grade: B-

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C

Very well-made, very well-supported, very interesting, very informative, and very cute.

This settles the “Cats vs. Dogs” intelligence argument pretty well, for those that actually still needed it answered.  Unless you consider cats smarter than 2-year-old humans.  Most dog-haters I’ve met say they “hate” kids, so I guess that’s a very real/sad possibility.

Or, unless you consider “domestication” in any way related to stupidity.  But if you believe that, you probably think that civilized human beings are stupid. 

The ability to obey commands is a sign of intelligence, not stupidity.

By the way, I like cats.  But to suggest that they’re smarter than dogs is…well, stupid.

Ruff!

Grade: B+

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: B

“They expect me to be a “female comic”…” Yeah, funny.  Which she is here, kinda.

Hey, she’s gotten a lot better in doing the exact same act…wait, this is six years before.

Am I right or am I right?

Grade: B-

It’s rude and crude.  But it’s not worth watching not because of that, but because it’s dull and she sucks up to the audience WAY too much.  And the repeat jokes don’t help.  Wait for the next roast.

Grade: D-

Lots of good stuff (and only a few boring bits) from Farley, with assists to Phil Hartman and Christina Applegate.

Easily the highlight- Japanese Game Show

Inspirational Quote: “I….’m sorry, I don’t speak Japanese…”

Grade: B

Worth watching basically for “Cowbell” (of course) and “Colonel Angus” right at the beginning, maybe the ‘Dead Zone’ parody a little later, and the very ending bit where Walken gives away what everyone always knew or at least suspected.  Skip the rest safely.

Inspirational Quote: “Just to be, how you say, douchebag.”

Grade: C+

This is NOT the “first” zombie movie.  That being said, it IS the movie without which NONE of the zombie/undead/infected/parody/etc… movies that followed would have been possible.  However, that alone doesn’t make it worthy of anything except a high-five and a footnote. 

It doesn’t make it worthy of viewing or analysis.

What makes it worthy of viewing/analysis is the fact that even 40+ years after its release, it’s still creepy and interesting, if not quite scary.  The script is a bit lacking, it’s a bit cheezy sure, the running woman falls down yeah, and the “FX” and scary soundtrack are horribly dated.

But it’s amazing that it’s STILL a legitimate horror movie today, unlike the vast majority of the 60’s B movies (And this is a B movie, like it or not) that are just dull, boring, stupid, and/or completely irrelevant and worthless except as MST fodder.

The basement scene involving a sharp object is a lot more disturbing/shocking than Hitchcock’s shower scene it obviously draws from.  And the ending says more about Humanity than every Romero-wannabe collectively has, ever.

I take back my ‘Survival’ comment…you really did have something(s) to say, George.  But you should have stopped at ‘Land’.

Inspirational Quote: “They’re coming to get you, Barbara…”

Grade: B

Lowlights: Some dull moments with obviously uncomfortable sports celebs.

Highlights: Peyton Manning giving back, Stuart Smalley w/ Jordan, spanking Shaq, ‘Sexual Harassment And You’, counterpoint to Jeter, and of course “Little Chocolate Donuts”.

Grade: B

From the director who brought you ‘Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama’…

A horror film remarkable for the fact that nothing horrible actually happens.

Well, the first hour is almost-naked men walking around, showering, exercising and lying down with a woman watching them intermittently and taking notes.

At around the hour mark the “plot” begins, then pauses briefly for more showering, then picks up again just in time for the movie to end.

I think I saw some of them drinking Schmitt’s Gay by the pool, too.

Talk about a great time for Shirt-In-A-Can.

I give it a 9.6 on the Das-ometer.

Grade: F-

Advantages over watching a ‘Whose Line’ repeat: Completely new bits, no “hoedown”.

Unfortunately, that’s all.  The new bits aren’t all that exciting, the old bits seem a little stale and aren’t any better than any given episode, and with Brad Sherwood as opposed to Ryan Stiles, it’s just not as funny…Colin and Ryan were the two funniest improvers on the show, and they had a great chemistry.

I just don’t see/feel that with Colin and Brad.  Besides, Brad was never all that funny.

It’s very “pleasant” and inoffensive, but it’s not worth the time for anyone except hardcore ‘Whose Line’ fans that have memorized every episode.

Grade: D+

Disgustingly funny: Jeff Ross
Funny: Amy Schumer, Gilbert Gottfried, SURPRISE GUEST(Tom Arnold.  OOPS)
Surprisingly funny: Carrie Fisher
OK: Katey Sagal, Wayne Brady, Anthony Jeselnik, Seth Green
DULL: Jane Lynch, Ellen Barkin, Roseanne Barr

Grade: B-

What do you get when you cross a mediocre comedian with a mediocre magician?

A really sad comedy act.

Plus the material was a lot funnier (well, a little funnier) when I saw it the first time…about 15 years ago.  Don’t waste your time.

Grade: F

I do too have a sense of humor regarding religion.

It just has to be…you know…funny.

This is occasionally brilliant and always interesting.

Completely irreverent, in thoroughly bad taste…and, most importantly (see ‘Python, Monty’)…funny.

Highlights: Hell, Wedding Reception, and the Fleur-de-lis

Grade: A-

Hmmm…not exactly ‘Braveheart’ this time.  More like ‘PettyThiefScumbag-Heart’

I mean, are we supposed to root for this guy?  He’s as unlikeable as Gibson himself after his anti-Jewish/anti-female comments.

I actually found myself rooting for the “bad guys” to win.  I mean, just on sheer “PRINCIPLE”, you know.  Apparently, Porter’s idea of romance is to beat the woman you “love” savagely until she “realizes” what’s “good for her”.  What a maggot.

I guess the problems of a wife-beating scumbag and the prostitute he used to pimp out don’t amount to a hill of beans in this cockamamie world…

1:24:00 – YAY!!!  Errrr…is that wrong?

WAIT A MOMENT…this movie was different the first time I saw it.  It had Kris Kristofferson and they beat the heck out of Porter.  It was watchable then, cuz Kristofferson was the highlight.  Now the ending is just plain non-existent.  But at least it ends.  I mean, D@MN…

Inspirational Quote: “Man, that’s just MEAN”

Grade: D- (Before the Director’s (horrible) Cut): C-

For those of you who can’t get enough Eddie Murphy, here’s some more.

Axel is still smarter than everyone else, Taggart is still grumpy, the head cop is still a dumb jerk.

But Rosewood…Rosewood has transformed from pleasant, naive greenhorn into a Rambo-inspired walking arsenal.  A very pleasant, borderline-disturbed walking arsenal.

It’s aged a bit better than the original, but neither of these were ever anything to really care about either way.  You don’t love it, you don’t hate it, you just watch it and then immediately forget it.

Sort of like Murphy’s film career.

Grade: B-

‘John Carpenter’s – Latest Bad Movie’.

It’s just so dull and stupid that I wasn’t sure what to write about it, other than it being really dull and stupid.  So I was SO thankful when I found this little gem and saved myself the 30-40 seconds it would take to think of a usable description-

“ridiculous without being awful enough to be hilarious.” – Lawrence Van Gelder, The New York Times

No relation to Van Helsing or Van Gelder, Simon.

Grade: D-

Wow…a baseball “horror” film.

I mean, I knew you could sometimes fall asleep to baseball.  I never realized it was so incredibly terrifying.

I guess it’s true…there’s a fine line between baseball and really bad baseball-psycho movies.

Alternate Title: ‘Field Of Screams’

Grade: F

Like the boys brigade, USELESS.

‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus – The Greatest Hits’???

What a load of garbage.  I mean, I understand they wanted to introduce themselves to the United States…but this just cuts out seemingly arbitrary pieces of their episodes and pastes them together while lamely attempting to “Americanize” the references.  I thought they were AGAINST conformity?  Well, here’s conformity…sanitized, commercialized, badly American-ized for the masses.

‘Flying Circus’ was what five guys thought was funny (plus an insanely inspired animator).

This is apparently what five guys thought would make them some money.

Grade: F

Here’s something worthy of nose…
Intro: well, at least he/she/it was telling the truth in the end.

11:18- A young Frank Black?

In horribly bad taste, of course…but like ‘The Return of the Living Dead’, the complete lack of pretentiousness and the self-mockery make it kinda fun, as “horror” movies go.  But, UNlike ‘Return’, unfortunately, it gets comparatively dull in the second half.

One of the very rare cases where self-bondage prevents murder and allows sex with Jessica Alba.

Fav character- Crusading Druid Priestess in a van on Druid time

Inspirational Quote: “My work here is done.  Time for the ritualistic sex.”

Grade: C+

7/7/18: Do I overrate because I feel better or do I underrate because I feel worse? I don’t know. Grade: D+

Near the beginning Eddie talks about how Richard Pryor was an inspiration to him growing up.

Mr. Murphy…I’ve seen Richard Pryor.  I’ve heard Richard Pryor.  Mr. Murphy, you are no Richard Pryor.

Best bit: Impression of Richard Pryor talking about varying forms of sh1t.

Grade: D+

Kids, this is “Eddie Murphy”.  He was kinda funny back in the 80’s.

I hereby apologize to Chris Tucker for saying he’s no Eddie Murphy (see ‘Rush Hour’).  With the benefit of hindsight I realize that Tucker is better in ‘Rush Hour’ than Murphy is in this, or pretty much anything else I’ve ever seen him in.  And I’ve seen him in a lot.

I believe that a significant portion of my belief that this was a great movie (since dispelled) came from the fact that I saw it in grade school and compared to ‘Family Ties’ it was a work of comedic brilliance…and really COOL!

Moments of note:
Everything except “Axel F” sounding dated and stupid
Basil-rogue-cop-exposition/Basil-Hills-Cop-exposition
Murphy’s foreshadowing of his brilliant performance in ‘Shrek’
Robocop-exec-as-goodguy
Rosewood the naive effeminate heterosexual

Grade: C+

It’s a superhero soap opera.

Does so-and-so REALLY like so-and-so?  Does so-and-so REALLY have a crush on so-and-so?  And what about so-and-so’s dark secret???

So it’s all very obvious, like a soap opera always is, but it’s fairly entertaining if you can get past the shallowness of almost all the characters and just enjoy it as a sci-fi-ish action/adventure flick.

Grade: B-

Only occasionally as “riveting” as it wants to be, but always interesting.

Benicio del Toro and Catherine Zeta-Jones are the standouts.

Definitely worth seeing if you haven’t yet, but it’s doubtful you’ll ever feel the need to revisit it.

Grade: A-

Don’t Waste Your Netflix Streaming Time.

Roger Ebert gave this 3 1/2 out of 4 stars?  That’s it, I’m convinced…the man’s gone senile.

It’s dumb and tedious, which is a bit off the intended mark of creepy/terrifying.

Grade: F

No…this long story is long.

I kept waiting for it to either end or get better. It ended.

Quinn wasn’t even talented enough to replace Norm MacDonald’s indifferent occasional brilliance on SNL, let alone summarize the history of humanity in an hour and a half. I’ve seen him be funny, but this is just dull.

Grade: D

Harlan Ellison NO! It’s ‘Horny Max – Beyond SpermDome’

Non-fans of Don Johnson may want to take a quick peek at this.  I believe it wasn’t actually INTENDED to be pure camp…

“A young man roaming a postapocalyptic wasteland ends up in the clutches of a female-dominated underground society — which wants his sperm.” – Netflix Streaming Description

Wow…sounds like a dream I had once.

Inspirational Quote: “I gotta get back in the dirt so I feel clean!”

Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

What an amazingly bad animated film/crushing blow to the wistful memories of a young lad reading the not-anywhere-near-as-embarrassing (quite good, actually) book of the same name.

If you’re a fan of the series (that is to say, ‘Chronicles’ and ‘Legends’, not the bloated franchise which followed) like I am, rest assured, from one fan to another- this is NOT a case of people just “not getting it” when you hear that this sucks.  It sucks.  It’s embarrassing/laughable to watch.

Highlight: Tika’s animated butt

Grade: F

I don’t get it.

It’s as funny as ‘Hogan’s Heroes’ or a really bad Stooges short.

It’s a mediocre slapstick farce set against the backdrop of The Holocaust.

It’s unfunny, it’s dull, it’s a trivialization.

I believe in the power of positive thinking…but to think that “positive thinking” can in any way, shape or form turn a Concentration Camp into a fun little game is absurdism.

Grade: D

5/3/14: My comments are accurate, but I needed to make the grade more precise.  Grade: D-

Extremely informative, and well made.

However it’s not the most EXCITING subject in the world…so I’d recommend, if you want to get all the information without having to watch the movie, just going to the website…

www.takepart.com/foodinc

Information is power, after all.  But sometimes it doesn’t make all that interesting a movie.

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

Oh my golly will you look at that.  Clive has made a movie that’s ALMOST as good as ‘Lord of Illusions’.  Let’s do the math…from 87 to 92 to achieve a tiny step up, from 92 to 95 to achieve another.  Perhaps, if I look really hard, I can find something he’s made recently that is a worthy candidate to stand alongside ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’.

The lone positive you can take out of the club massacre scene is that, being a goth-y club, at least 10 percent of the people probably didn’t mind it all that much.

Grade: D-

Fans will insist that I just don’t get it, but I do.  It just sucks. 

If you’ve noticed, the longer reviews tend to be for movies that made me think a lot.  ‘Natural Born Killers’, for example, even though I didn’t like it.

There’s no thinking involved here.  It’s Wanna-Be-Stephen-King’s little slice of Hell, part deux.

Grade: F

Maybe I could attempt to enjoy this as worthless cheezy sh1t if it wasn’t so pretentious.

This is only scary in the sense that I realized I actually had to WATCH the fcken thing again before I reviewed it.

Clive Barker was always a (very) poor man’s Stephen King, and this shows why.  It’s just plain dumb.

Grade: F

Makes ‘The Mangler’ look like a cinematic masterpiece.

And for those who would like the utter absurdity of the cheezy “action” sequences and dialogue contained therein, you have to sit through an hour of dull, tedious, boring “setup” first. 

Grade: F

This movie is as different from the first as the title suggests.

It’s got a lot of funny/interesting gags, but they were funnier and more interesting the first time.

Since this is otherwise basically a carbon copy of the original, there’s absolutely nothing “new” here…you might laugh at the jokes, but they won’t surprise you.  Why?  Because they’re the same kind of jokes as in the first one, only not quite as good and (obviously) not quite as fresh.

At least ‘The Naked Gun’ plopped funny/interesting meaninglessness into a new setting.

But I still like it…not as much as the first, but it’s not nearly as abysmal as some people would lead you to believe.  ‘Airplane!’ wasn’t exactly a work of cinematic art, so let’s not get too down when the sequel is a (slightly-less) pleasant bit of fluff.

Grade: B

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: B-

Guest review- “Truth is stranger than fiction, judgy-wudgy.” – Curly Howard

Inspirational Slap: A-Rod

Grade: B- (Increase to A+ for Red Sox fans…of which I am one)

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: C+ (Still A+ for Sox fans)

I had no idea about the background of this movie, and was going to write a typically casual, off-the-cuff review.  I don’t really feel right doing that anymore…so I’ve eliminated the jokes and just given the good stuff.

Cute without being cloying, amusingly interesting, and charmingly sweet.

Love Survives.

Grade: B-

really…interesting.

Really.

But oh my golly is it DARK.  There’s no way you can call this a comedy…it’s more of a horror movie without the violence and with lots of stomach-churningly uncomfortable scenes.  And a few laughs.

Kudos to Jim Carrey for not putting out another ‘Ace Ventura’ clone.  THAT would have been a hit.  THIS was not.  But you’ve gotta admire the attempt at branching out.  Well, you don’t have to…but I do.

The problem is there is no real category for this…no fans of any particular genre will be really satisfied with it.  It’s a very interesting, weird, flawed enigma.

Grade: B-

Has NOT aged well.

And I don’t just mean the special effects…I mean the “dramatic”, “emotional”, and “sensitive” scenes.  And it’s not because it’s from the 80’s…so are ‘Lethal Weapon’ and ‘RoboCop’, and both of those have aged incredibly better than this.

The only good thing about this is the action, really…which is very good, and there’s a lot of it.  But at this point this movie has descended almost entirely into the “cheezy nostalgia” category.  Particularly sad- the hair, the music, the dancing.

Also, it’s difficult to generate sufficient enthusiasm for the purpose of cheering on the continued existence of the early/mid-80’s.

Inspirational Quote: “Sweat, bad breath…everything”

Grade: D+

It’s basically a really long, really good ‘Police Squad’ episode. 

The writing/supporting cast are both upped a bit…if you hate complete nonsense, you’ll hate this.  But if you appreciate it, this is a very fine example of how complete nonsense can be funny.  It’s not quite to the level of ‘Airplane’, but close.

Tedious: Baseball song sequence, attempt at a “romantic” scene near the end.

Inspirational Quote: “And where the hell was I?”

Grade: B+

There are a few that I’d replace, but with over 25 years of material to choose from, they couldn’t really go wrong, and they didn’t.  Better than any full episode today, or ever, for that matter.

Grade: A

With Tarantino involved, you knew it had to be really well-made sh1t.

Lots of cool cuts and one-liners and flashbacks and flashforwards and flasharounds and aspirations beyond the wonderful nonsense that has been proven to be his limit over and over again.

And it is.

But with Oliver Stone involved, you kinda figured it would rise above that.

But it doesn’t.

He called this a “positive” film???  Because you can go on an insane killing spree and not necessarily get gunned down at the end?  So aspiring serial killers and ultra-anarchists…there’s hope?  What horsesh1t.

Supposedly there’s some good “messages” here…like, violence is bad.  And, people that condemn violence and are supposedly horrified by it, yet pay to see it, hear about it, read about it, etc…are a bunch of stupid hypocrites.  Yeah no sh1t, Oliver.  I didn’t need to see this to know that.  And guess what?  NOONE who watches this who DIDN’T know that will LEARN that.  Either they’re too fcken stupid, or they don’t CARE in the first place.  I mean, you say so yourself in the script…you know, the snake story?

Also, there’s an anti-mass-media message, which is pushed so hard along with the violence that the whole thing comes across as camp, lowering it to the level of ‘Hobo’ or ‘Troll 2’ or ‘Manos’, except Oliver Stone is a REAL director and these are REAL actors making a worthless pile of sh1t masterpiece.

And hey Oliver…you’re condemning glorification of violence and the mass media by remaking ‘Bonnie and Clyde’, except fake?  Right…

Like so many other similarly violent and/or disturbing movies, most of the people willing and/or eager to sit through this don’t care about anything Oliver’s trying to say.  They’re watching this because they’re sick fcks, inside or out, or both, and they enjoy it.  Period.

Me, I’m done.  Fck em.

Grade: C

Having not seen all of the films in her illustrious collection (I missed ‘Encino Man’, and ‘Conan The Barbarian’ seemed a bit beyond me intellectually) I can’t be certain, but after watching this I would say that I am pretty much convinced that Rose McGowan is a very very pretty, attractive, fashionable non-actress.

Grade: F

Been there, seen that, laughed more, thought more, cared more.

Totally unnecessary.  But well-done, I’ll give it that.

Grade: C

It was a lot funnier the first time I saw it, when it first came out…because back then, DeNiro doing his best DeNiro impression (from serious, violent films) was a relatively new and fresh idea.  I thought it was hilarious.

But you can only do the same joke so many times before it gets old.  And let’s face it, DeNiro’s done it plenty of times since then.  But even with that being said, I still really like this movie because DeNiro’s deadpan delivery of lines he knows are meant to be funny and self-effacing rivals that of Leslie Nielsen in ‘Airplane!’ and Idle/Cleese in the best ‘Flying Circus’ sketches.

And the comedy that’s intrinsic with self-parody is a great contrast to the extremely serious things that are happening…you know, people getting killed and all.

Dr. Sobel’s psychiatry is a bit out-of-date at this point, but Crystal does a good job holding his own.

Inspirational Exchange: The Fcken Doctor V. Primo Sindone

Grade: A-

Same-Day Edit: Nah…too hokey.  In too many places.  Grade: B

As opposed to some of his appearances, Norm brings some actual jokes to this event.

He still doesn’t try very hard, but if he tried very hard he wouldn’t be Norm MacDonald.

Occasionally hilarious, and he’s a smart/amusing guy in his own apathetic way.

Grade: B

Intelligent, well-acted, “action-packed”, intriguing…the prototypical cop-buddy action (as opposed to comedy) film.  Better than ’48 Hours’ because Nick Nolte kinda sucks.

Even the soundtrack is good…Eric Clapton does what he does best- play some really cool notes without having to actually construct a song out of them.

Why, then, is it not rated even higher? 

There’s a limit to how good cop-buddy action films can be.

1:30:48- Cyndi Lauper!

Grade: A-

Like, wow.

Behold the damage caused by ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’.

Yes, it was brilliant, and inspired a lot of not-quite-as-brilliant-but-still-really-good comedy.

But THIS…THIS is what happens when someone (Terry Jones) is given complete artistic license to make a vanity project movie based on his own book SOLELY because he was a member of Python, albeit the least talented member.

I’m sure the executives watched this before agreeing to release it, just like they read the script before agreeing to fund it.  But when they found both of them dull and almost completely without humor, they just shrugged and said “Well, that’s what the critics said about Python…we don’t get it, but it MUST be funny…let’s give it a go.”

Well, this is like a mediocre Jones/Palin sketch, only worse because it’s got no Palin, stretched out to movie-length with no increase in the volume of laughs along with the volume of material.  The opening scene is the only thing I remembered from the first time I watched this, and that’s because it’s the only scene with “Python-esque” qualities, in the good sense(intelligent, well-written, funny, and in terrible taste).

The rest is, as cameo-appearance-for-old-time’s-sake John Cleese might describe it, “Irrepressibly drab and awful.”

Grade: F

After having seen this and ’28 Days Later’, I’ve concluded that Danny Boyle directs with much the same quick wit and precision as Quentin Tarantino, only Boyle’s movies are just as stylish but much more substantive.

Twistedly brilliant at times, morally ambiguous all the time, darkly comic and at times very disturbing.

They’re a bunch of ar$eholes and they don’t “Caaaaaaaaaaaaare…”

Near the middle it gets dull and repetitive for a bit, just like the lives of the characters.  But it picks back up enough near the end to make it necessary viewing for anyone that gives a fck about my ‘A List’.

Grade: A-

8/1/12: No, it doesn’t.  I mean, I REALLY want there to be more movies that I think are A’s…but if there aren’t, there aren’t.  And this isn’t one.  Grade: B+

FINALLY, a movie that reveals the murderous danger we face from militant vegetarians.

Yes, I watched the whole thing.  I still staunchly maintain that ‘Manos’ is worse than this, but I must admit…this SUCKS.  In a pretty funny way.  Better than ‘Hobo’, even…

‘Troll 2’ was written and directed on location in two vacant heads.

Inspirational Quote: “HOSPITALITY!”

Grade: C (That’s a composite.  A+ if you like sh1t, Z- if you demand quality)