Category: Movie/Long Subject Reviews

Really.

But oh my golly is it DARK.  There’s no way you can call this a comedy…it’s more of a horror movie without the violence and with lots of stomach-churningly uncomfortable scenes.  And a few laughs.

Kudos to Jim Carrey for not putting out another ‘Ace Ventura’ clone.  THAT would have been a hit.  THIS was not.  But you’ve gotta admire the attempt at branching out.  Well, you don’t have to…but I do.

The problem is there is no real category for this…no fans of any particular genre will be really satisfied with it.  It’s a very interesting, weird, flawed enigma.

And I don’t just mean the special effects…I mean the “dramatic”, “emotional”, and “sensitive” scenes.  And it’s not because it’s from the 80’s…so are ‘Lethal Weapon’ and ‘RoboCop’, and both of those have aged incredibly better than this.

The only good thing about this is the action, really…which is very good, and there’s a lot of it.  But at this point this movie has descended almost entirely into the “cheezy nostalgia” category.  Particularly sad- the hair, the music, the dancing.

Also, it’s difficult to generate sufficient enthusiasm for the purpose of cheering on the continued existence of the early/mid-80’s.

Inspirational Quote: “Sweat, bad breath…everything”

The writing/supporting cast are both upped a bit…if you hate complete nonsense, you’ll hate this.  But if you appreciate it, this is a very fine example of how complete nonsense can be funny.  It’s not quite to the level of ‘Airplane’, but close.

Tedious: Baseball song sequence, attempt at a “romantic” scene near the end.

Inspirational Quote: “And where the hell was I?”

Lots of cool cuts and one-liners and flashbacks and flashforwards and flasharounds and aspirations beyond the wonderful nonsense that has been proven to be his limit over and over again.

And it is.

But with Oliver Stone involved, you kinda figured it would rise above that.

But it doesn’t.

He called this a “positive” film???  Because you can go on an insane killing spree and not necessarily get gunned down at the end?  So aspiring serial killers and ultra-anarchists…there’s hope?  What horsesh1t.

Supposedly there’s some good “messages” here…like, violence is bad.  And, people that condemn violence and are supposedly horrified by it, yet pay to see it, hear about it, read about it, etc…are a bunch of stupid hypocrites.  Yeah no sh1t, Oliver.  I didn’t need to see this to know that.  And guess what?  NOONE who watches this who DIDN’T know that will LEARN that.  Either they’re too fcken stupid, or they don’t CARE in the first place.  I mean, you say so yourself in the script…you know, the snake story?

Also, there’s an anti-mass-media message, which is pushed so hard along with the violence that the whole thing comes across as camp, lowering it to the level of ‘Hobo’ or ‘Troll 2’ or ‘Manos’, except Oliver Stone is a REAL director and these are REAL actors making a worthless pile of sh1t masterpiece.

And hey Oliver…you’re condemning glorification of violence and the mass media by remaking ‘Bonnie and Clyde’, except fake?  Right…

Like so many other similarly violent and/or disturbing movies, most of the people willing and/or eager to sit through this don’t care about anything Oliver’s trying to say.  They’re watching this because they’re sick fcks, inside or out, or both, and they enjoy it.  Period.

Me, I’m done.  Fck em.

Totally unnecessary.  But well-done, I’ll give it that.

But you can only do the same joke so many times before it gets old.  And let’s face it, DeNiro’s done it plenty of times since then.  But even with that being said, I still really like this movie because DeNiro’s deadpan delivery of lines he knows are meant to be funny and self-effacing rivals that of Leslie Nielsen in ‘Airplane!’ and Idle/Cleese in the best ‘Flying Circus’ sketches.

And the comedy that’s intrinsic with self-parody is a great contrast to the extremely serious things that are happening…you know, people getting killed and all.

Dr. Sobel’s psychiatry is a bit out-of-date at this point, but Crystal does a good job holding his own.

Inspirational Exchange: The Fcken Doctor V. Primo Sindone

Grade: A-

He still doesn’t try very hard, but if he tried very hard he wouldn’t be Norm MacDonald.

Occasionally hilarious, and he’s a smart/amusing guy in his own apathetic way.

Even the soundtrack is good…Eric Clapton does what he does best- play some really cool notes without having to actually construct a song out of them.

Why, then, is it not rated even higher? 

There’s a limit to how good cop-buddy action films can be.

1:30:48- Cyndi Lauper!

Behold the damage caused by ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’.

Yes, it was brilliant, and inspired a lot of not-quite-as-brilliant-but-still-really-good comedy.

But THIS…THIS is what happens when someone (Terry Jones) is given complete artistic license to make a vanity project movie based on his own book SOLELY because he was a member of Python, albeit the least talented member.

I’m sure the executives watched this before agreeing to release it, just like they read the script before agreeing to fund it.  But when they found both of them dull and almost completely without humor, they just shrugged and said “Well, that’s what the critics said about Python…we don’t get it, but it MUST be funny…let’s give it a go.”

Well, this is like a mediocre Jones/Palin sketch, only worse because it’s got no Palin, stretched out to movie-length with no increase in the volume of laughs along with the volume of material.  The opening scene is the only thing I remembered from the first time I watched this, and that’s because it’s the only scene with “Python-esque” qualities, in the good sense(intelligent, well-written, funny, and in terrible taste).

The rest is, as cameo-appearance-for-old-time’s-sake John Cleese might describe it, “Irrepressibly drab and awful.”

Twistedly brilliant at times, morally ambiguous all the time, darkly comic and at times very disturbing.

They’re a bunch of ar$eholes and they don’t “Caaaaaaaaaaaaare…”

Near the middle it gets dull and repetitive for a bit, just like the lives of the characters.  But it picks back up enough near the end to make it necessary viewing for anyone that gives a fck about my ‘A List’.

Grade: A-

Yes, I watched the whole thing.  I still staunchly maintain that ‘Manos’ is worse than this, but I must admit…this SUCKS.  In a pretty funny way.  Better than ‘Hobo’, even…

‘Troll 2’ was written and directed on location in two vacant heads.

Inspirational Quote: “HOSPITALITY!”

Best Part: Brief clip of Norm MacDonald trying to get Hasselhoff to mention Germany.

When Shatner attempts to put himself in the same company as Patrick Stewart, a classically trained Shakespearean actor, it should be funny…but it’s not, really.  That’s Shatner…he’s always thought of himself (Whether as Captain Kirk or as himself) as a lot more than he really is, and that’s part of his charm, I suppose.  At least he’s sincere in his self-absorption, there’s no false modesty here.

As a fan of the original series and certain of its offshoots(but not certain others), I think the attempt to chronicle the “Captain” experience is an abysmal failure…it’s more a blanket commentary on the stresses of being a full-time performer.  So it’s certainly not a must-watch for Trekkies, and because it’s not all that great as a documentary, it’s not a must-watch for anyone else.  What is it? 

It’s relaxing…very, very relaxing.  Ahhhhh….bop de doo be doo wop…

Grade: D

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: F

It’s not going to convince non-fans to watch horror films, it’s not going to make intelligent horror fans believe Roger Corman films/Friday the 13th/other schlock doesn’t suck, and it’s not even well-made enough to convince really STUPID horror fans of anything. 

I mean, come on…yes, there are horror films that have “messages”, but there are a lot that are made cuz the director wants to make money and knows that people are stupid enough to watch sh1t that can be created with very little effort.  Every movie shown here is “analyzed” by “experts” and given a deep meaning…most of those meanings are probably gonna be news to the directors.

The 2009 American Cr@p Horror Film Party version of ‘Triumph Of The Will’.

Advice to pretentious roundhead goatee/glasses guy- “Why don’t you get a toupee with some brains in it?” – Moe Howard

“Yeah man!”

“Well turn it OFF, man!”

Guest Review: “Groovy.” – Ash

Any random late-night infomercial is more convincing than this.  Too bad Joel/Mike and the bots didn’t take a crack at it.  Iz good, ya?

Now, when I watch it, I’m surprised about the opening scene (that it exists, and that it isn’t anywhere near as cheezy as I figure the movie experience is going to be) and then I’m mostly just amused/nostalgic/rolling my eyes/saying “oh gawd”. 

The thing is, plenty of movies were made in 1983 or before that HAVEN’T become comical after being released as “thrillers”.  So I think that, despite a few moments of genius/brilliance/burnt-into-the-social-lexicon-ness, this is a (relative) failure today because so much attention was devoted to concept and message and so little was devoted to dialogue/believability/continuity/acting.

Favorite Character: Joshua

Grade: C+

It’s a cute, sweet, amusing, well-meaning little sci-fi drama that succeeds because it doesn’t aspire to heights it cannot attain.  The same cannot be said for most other Trek movies.  It’s ‘The Trouble With Tribbles’ to II’s ‘Space Seed’/’Balance Of Terror’/’Mirror Mirror’, II being the only Trek movie I’ve seen better than this one.

If you’re going to San Fran cis-co, don’t forget to pick up some humpback whales…

Inspirational Quote: “Ah…the giants.”

It just has to be well-written and well done.  But not over done.  Maybe over under…

This is the first and (as is usually the case) by far the best in the eventual “franchise”.  The extreme violence that made this movie so controversial when it was released, even with the scenes that were edited to tone down said violence restored, is highly unlikely to shock or offend anyone in the target audience today.  At least, anyone that has seen what violent films have so commonly devolved into…useless bore and gore fests that feature nothing except shock value.

The admitted cheeze is offset by the intentional cheezy commercials and constant satire throughout, and by the precision and focused direction of the film.

I think, having seen many of these types of films (sans script/interest), and being fairly convinced that the brilliant filmmakers of this generation have conceived and realized every possible gruesome, disgusting, and pointlessly sickening violent idea imaginable while still, AMAZINGLY, failed to generate interest for the most part, that this is a welcome blast from the past.  If only movies like this had…you know…stories, anymore.

Inspirational Quote: “Iiiiii LIKE it!”

Imagine watching the shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake.

Now imagine expecting it to be different in some way before starting to watch.

For hard-core goths only…the same way the animated ‘DragonLance’ movie is for hard-core D+D geeks only.  But unlike that movie, not quite laughable.

Grade: D-

Take said world and introduce into it first a character (Michael Douglas, in the best performance I’ve ever seen him in) that seems to amplify the chaos of every situation by ten, and produce it where there is (or seemingly is) none (at least on the surface).  A character whose focus becomes more and more clear in his mind as his mind becomes more and more chaotic and without focus.

Introduce into that scenario a character (Robert Duvall, who is excellent as per usual) whose life is the very definition of tame, sedate, tranquil…non-chaotic.  A character whose focus gradually but surely lifts him out of that sedation, re-invigorates the true “will” in him, makes him alive again, so to speak.

Place these characters at such a point so that only one of their focuses (focii??) will be realized.

And one will.

Two ways to escape “drudgery”…fantasy and reality.  I’ll take reality.  (That would be Duvall).

Inspirational Quote From Another Movie That’s Strangely Relevant: “Not the bees, not the bees!  No…they’re in my eyes! No!!!”

It’s got nothing else that isn’t elsewhere in vast quantities, some better, some worse, a lot just as good.

It’s competent.  Totally, completely, boringly, meaninglessly.

To take the potential of the original ‘Day’ and squeeze everything out of it that made it interesting and replace it with professional dullness is such a mystifyingly stupid act that I had to watch this several times to confirm they had in fact succeeded in this.

Romero’s original had only one weakness, albeit a glaring one: EXTREMELY cheezy acting/dialogue.

This does away with that, and replaces it with nothing.  Worthless if you’ve ever seen any halfway-decent zombie/infected/undead/deadalive/etc movie before at any point in your life, ever.

This movie is just tepidly tender.

Then, for quite a while, it becomes a cute, sweet, amusing-bordering-on-funny, fun comedy.

Then, when that’s done with, it turns back into a cheezy sci-fi movie, plus sappy.

If it had a real beginning and ending they’d really have something here.

Grade: B-

Bill Zebub(yeah, he’s searchable, go ahead.  Or just find any local BDSM scumbag) apparently HATES organized religion, especially Christianity.

Which makes sense.  I mean, since he also hates and detests women, he can’t really ascribe to anything associated with Jesus Christ, who did NOT hate women.

Why does he hate women?  Who knows…there’s always the small penis theory, or maybe he’s just a misanthropic, misogynistic sadist.  OR…maybe it’s all an act. 

But if it’s all an act…what’s the point?  An “act” should be entertaining in SOME way, however trivial.

Bill calls women…I MEAN “scream queens”…”useless except for their *insert least witty term for breasts here*” 

Well…what the fck does that make you, Bill, since you don’t have them and can’t direct any more than the worst “scream queen” can act?  I mean, you tie up your victims before you do anything to them, you miserable little coward.

The character, I mean…

Scorsese/DeNiro >
Burton/Depp >
X/X >
Y/Y >
Z/Z >
McKee/Bettis >
Weintrob/Bettis

Where X = Decent, Y = Mediocre, and Z = Poor

Make it STOP, Jimmy…make it STOOOPPP…

Inspirational Response: “No.  It never stops.”

Grade: F-

And it has Willem Dafoe.

But it’s neither as powerful and sweeping as ‘Schindler’s List’ nor as emotionally moving as ‘The Diary Of Anne Frank’.

If you’ve seen both already, you don’t need to see this.  If you haven’t…why?

Moves with the ultra-slow mesmerism of a Dream/Nightmare you can’t awaken from.

This documentary of a 12-year-old girl’s two-year-long quest to make a movie is fairly informative, quite amusing, thoroughly positive and quite uplifting, the last two of which are the most refreshing/surprising considering it’s a zombie movie.  Kids have certainly changed, as they do every generation, but for what it’s worth this shows that not all modern teens focus most of their energy on making fun of bus monitors and waiting for the momentous day when they can finally drop out of school.

Inspirational Quote: “You…die right there…where do you wanna die?”

Grade: B

I mean, what are people seeing in this that they call it a classic?  Or that they ban it?  It’s about as offensive as ‘Godzilla Vs. The Sea Monster’ (in terms of cheezy stupidity and laughability quotient) or, if you wanted to be extremely charitable, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…only it’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Hobo’ because the intent here was to make a meaningful, provocative film. 

Great intent, really…fascinating “idea”…but this succeeds about as much as ‘The Last Man On Earth’ did, which is sad given that this was made AFTER people (I thought) came to expect good acting in EVERY movie, including horror flicks.  I mean, it’s so HOKEY…it’s so completely and utterly shallow you might as well just read the script and imagine it, because there’s ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you can imagine anything WORSE than this realization of the concept.  Abysmal.

It’s a Tim Burton film, so here’s the usual summary:
Depp:  Unusually not included
Burton: Apparently not over his Ed Wood fascination
Elfman: Cruising…even when he’s bad he’s ok

Only laugh of the movie: Tom Jones singing

As completely, amazingly, and unwaveringly awful and tasteless movies go, this is a complete…success?  It keeps on suckin’ right to the end.

Most of these type of movies actually make the mistake of trying to slip in a random bit of intelligence or sentimentality or sense or character development or humor at at least one point in the film…but this resists all those urges throughout.

As Joel Hodgson said of ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ this movie was “filmed on location in a vacant lot.”

Suggestion for sequel: ‘Hobo With A Shotgun 2: Double-Barrelled’

Inspirational Job: Lawn-mowing

Grade: I can’t grade this…it’s a complete success at being a stinking pile of cr@p.  Make up your own grade based on your taste for stinking piles of cr@p.

I’d rather watch The Decision again. (That was The Amusing Reference).

The Plot centers around The Husband who is also The Father and The Misogynistic Sadistic Rapist.

The Movie is a pile of The Sh1t.

“Dentist going psy-cho, it’s ser-i-ous…”

And how, some other times, you really can’t tell for a while?

And then, some other times, you get 30 seconds in and realize that to sit through the pathetic sh1t-for-brains attempt at filmmaking it surely is would be not only a waste of your time but an insult to your intelligence?

But to make it even worse, they show a clip from an even worse MoH episode during this one.

One good thing: It’s shorter than ‘Contagion’

Grade: F