Natural Born Killers (1994)

With Tarantino involved, you knew it had to be really well-made sh1t.

Lots of cool cuts and one-liners and flashbacks and flashforwards and flasharounds and aspirations beyond the wonderful nonsense that has been proven to be his limit over and over again.

And it is.

But with Oliver Stone involved, you kinda figured it would rise above that.

But it doesn’t.

He called this a “positive” film???  Because you can go on an insane killing spree and not necessarily get gunned down at the end?  So aspiring serial killers and ultra-anarchists…there’s hope?  What horsesh1t.

Supposedly there’s some good “messages” here…like, violence is bad.  And, people that condemn violence and are supposedly horrified by it, yet pay to see it, hear about it, read about it, etc…are a bunch of stupid hypocrites.  Yeah no sh1t, Oliver.  I didn’t need to see this to know that.  And guess what?  NOONE who watches this who DIDN’T know that will LEARN that.  Either they’re too fcken stupid, or they don’t CARE in the first place.  I mean, you say so yourself in the script…you know, the snake story?

Also, there’s an anti-mass-media message, which is pushed so hard along with the violence that the whole thing comes across as camp, lowering it to the level of ‘Hobo’ or ‘Troll 2’ or ‘Manos’, except Oliver Stone is a REAL director and these are REAL actors making a worthless pile of sh1t masterpiece.

And hey Oliver…you’re condemning glorification of violence and the mass media by remaking ‘Bonnie and Clyde’, except fake?  Right…

Like so many other similarly violent and/or disturbing movies, most of the people willing and/or eager to sit through this don’t care about anything Oliver’s trying to say.  They’re watching this because they’re sick fcks, inside or out, or both, and they enjoy it.  Period.

Me, I’m done.  Fck em.

Grade: C

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)

Not a bad episode of MST3K. 

But the shorts were always better than the movies.  And the studio bits are over-done and less-funny without TV’s Frank.

“Ok…see now, what separates the Metalunans, from like, “Hollywood” aliens, ok, is that that they have like they have huge heads, alright…ok, now now I don’t mean they have big egos, ok, cuz they don’t, alright…I mean their actual HEADS…are huge, alright…I mean they have to sleep sitting up, ok…like the Elephant Man, or they’ll die, alright…”

Grade: B-

1/30/13: Better the more I watch it.  Grade: B

Devil In The Flesh (1998)

Having not seen all of the films in her illustrious collection (I missed ‘Encino Man’, and ‘Conan The Barbarian’ seemed a bit beyond me intellectually) I can’t be certain, but after watching this I would say that I am pretty much convinced that Rose McGowan is a very very pretty, attractive, fashionable non-actress.

Grade: F

Analyze This (1999)

It was a lot funnier the first time I saw it, when it first came out…because back then, DeNiro doing his best DeNiro impression (from serious, violent films) was a relatively new and fresh idea.  I thought it was hilarious.

But you can only do the same joke so many times before it gets old.  And let’s face it, DeNiro’s done it plenty of times since then.  But even with that being said, I still really like this movie because DeNiro’s deadpan delivery of lines he knows are meant to be funny and self-effacing rivals that of Leslie Nielsen in ‘Airplane!’ and Idle/Cleese in the best ‘Flying Circus’ sketches.

And the comedy that’s intrinsic with self-parody is a great contrast to the extremely serious things that are happening…you know, people getting killed and all.

Dr. Sobel’s psychiatry is a bit out-of-date at this point, but Crystal does a good job holding his own.

Inspirational Exchange: The Fcken Doctor V. Primo Sindone

Grade: A-

Same-Day Edit: Nah…too hokey.  In too many places.  Grade: B

Lethal Weapon (1987)

Intelligent, well-acted, “action-packed”, intriguing…the prototypical cop-buddy action (as opposed to comedy) film.  Better than ’48 Hours’ because Nick Nolte kinda sucks.

Even the soundtrack is good…Eric Clapton does what he does best- play some really cool notes without having to actually construct a song out of them.

Why, then, is it not rated even higher? 

There’s a limit to how good cop-buddy action films can be.

1:30:48- Cyndi Lauper!

Grade: A-

Erik The Viking (1989)

Like, wow.

Behold the damage caused by ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’.

Yes, it was brilliant, and inspired a lot of not-quite-as-brilliant-but-still-really-good comedy.

But THIS…THIS is what happens when someone (Terry Jones) is given complete artistic license to make a vanity project movie based on his own book SOLELY because he was a member of Python, albeit the least talented member.

I’m sure the executives watched this before agreeing to release it, just like they read the script before agreeing to fund it.  But when they found both of them dull and almost completely without humor, they just shrugged and said “Well, that’s what the critics said about Python…we don’t get it, but it MUST be funny…let’s give it a go.”

Well, this is like a mediocre Jones/Palin sketch, only worse because it’s got no Palin, stretched out to movie-length with no increase in the volume of laughs along with the volume of material.  The opening scene is the only thing I remembered from the first time I watched this, and that’s because it’s the only scene with “Python-esque” qualities, in the good sense(intelligent, well-written, funny, and in terrible taste).

The rest is, as cameo-appearance-for-old-time’s-sake John Cleese might describe it, “Irrepressibly drab and awful.”

Grade: F

Trainspotting (1996)

After having seen this and ’28 Days Later’, I’ve concluded that Danny Boyle directs with much the same quick wit and precision as Quentin Tarantino, only Boyle’s movies are just as stylish but much more substantive.

Twistedly brilliant at times, morally ambiguous all the time, darkly comic and at times very disturbing.

They’re a bunch of ar$eholes and they don’t “Caaaaaaaaaaaaare…”

Near the middle it gets dull and repetitive for a bit, just like the lives of the characters.  But it picks back up enough near the end to make it necessary viewing for anyone that gives a fck about my ‘A List’.

Grade: A-

8/1/12: No, it doesn’t.  I mean, I REALLY want there to be more movies that I think are A’s…but if there aren’t, there aren’t.  And this isn’t one.  Grade: B+

Troll 2 (1990)

FINALLY, a movie that reveals the murderous danger we face from militant vegetarians.

Yes, I watched the whole thing.  I still staunchly maintain that ‘Manos’ is worse than this, but I must admit…this SUCKS.  In a pretty funny way.  Better than ‘Hobo’, even…

‘Troll 2’ was written and directed on location in two vacant heads.

Inspirational Quote: “HOSPITALITY!”

Grade: C (That’s a composite.  A+ if you like sh1t, Z- if you demand quality)

Comedy Central Roast: William Shatner (2006)

Funny: Lisa Lampanelli, Patton Oswalt, Jeff Ross, Greg Giraldo
Surprisingly Funny: William Shatner, George Takei
Not Funny: Jason Alexander, Farrah Fawcett, Artie Lange, Nichelle Nichols, Betty White
Cut But Who Cares: Fred Willard
Wasted: Farrah Fawcett
Freaky: Andy Dick
Funniest: Clips of Shatner “acting”/”singing”

Grade: B (The clips are moments of sheer comic genius)

The Captains (2011)

It flows gently along just like the jazz cocktail music it uses for its score.  If you don’t fall asleep to it, you might be occasionally entertained, but it’s more about Shatner and the travails of being an actor, as well as about acting and theater in general, than it is about Star Trek.

When Shatner attempts to put himself in the same company as Patrick Stewart, a classically trained Shakespearean actor, it should be funny…but it’s not, really.  That’s Shatner…he’s always thought of himself (Whether as Captain Kirk or as himself) as a lot more than he really is, and that’s part of his charm, I suppose.  At least he’s sincere in his self-absorption, there’s no false modesty here.

As a fan of the original series and certain of its offshoots(but not certain others), I think the attempt to chronicle the “Captain” experience is an abysmal failure…it’s more a blanket commentary on the stresses of being a full-time performer.  So it’s certainly not a must-watch for Trekkies, and because it’s not all that great as a documentary, it’s not a must-watch for anyone else.  What is it? 

It’s relaxing…very, very relaxing.  Ahhhhh….bop de doo be doo wop…

Grade: D

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: F

9/15/13: F List pruning.  Grade: D-

Nightmares In Red, White And Blue (2009)

Lots of EXTREMELY-over analysis of analysis-unworthy “horror” flicks with intermittent flashes of Kubrick and Romero.  And if you want Kubrick and Romero, watch them.  Not this.

It’s not going to convince non-fans to watch horror films, it’s not going to make intelligent horror fans believe Roger Corman films/Friday the 13th/other schlock doesn’t suck, and it’s not even well-made enough to convince really STUPID horror fans of anything. 

I mean, come on…yes, there are horror films that have “messages”, but there are a lot that are made cuz the director wants to make money and knows that people are stupid enough to watch sh1t that can be created with very little effort.  Every movie shown here is “analyzed” by “experts” and given a deep meaning…most of those meanings are probably gonna be news to the directors.

The 2009 American Cr@p Horror Film Party version of ‘Triumph Of The Will’.

Advice to pretentious roundhead goatee/glasses guy- “Why don’t you get a toupee with some brains in it?” – Moe Howard

Grade: F

WarGames (1983)

It’s actually very difficult to review this, because almost everything about it (the state of computers, the state of the world, the state of “video arcades”, the state of your average high school student, the state of Dabney Coleman) is pretty much archaic and obsolete.  The first time I saw it, I thought it was amazing, scary, and brilliant.  But I was 9 years old then.

Now, when I watch it, I’m surprised about the opening scene (that it exists, and that it isn’t anywhere near as cheezy as I figure the movie experience is going to be) and then I’m mostly just amused/nostalgic/rolling my eyes/saying “oh gawd”. 

The thing is, plenty of movies were made in 1983 or before that HAVEN’T become comical after being released as “thrillers”.  So I think that, despite a few moments of genius/brilliance/burnt-into-the-social-lexicon-ness, this is a (relative) failure today because so much attention was devoted to concept and message and so little was devoted to dialogue/believability/continuity/acting.

Favorite Character: Joshua

Grade: C+

7/25/12: The ending visuals alone urge me to shove it up a grade…  Grade: B-

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home (1986)

Awwwww…

It’s a cute, sweet, amusing, well-meaning little sci-fi drama that succeeds because it doesn’t aspire to heights it cannot attain.  The same cannot be said for most other Trek movies.  It’s ‘The Trouble With Tribbles’ to II’s ‘Space Seed’/’Balance Of Terror’/’Mirror Mirror’, II being the only Trek movie I’ve seen better than this one.

If you’re going to San Fran cis-co, don’t forget to pick up some humpback whales…

Inspirational Quote: “Ah…the giants.”

Grade: B

RoboCop (1987)

I most certainly CAN enjoy a relatively obvious escapist shoot-em-up cop-buddy flick!

It just has to be well-written and well done.  But not over done.  Maybe over under…

This is the first and (as is usually the case) by far the best in the eventual “franchise”.  The extreme violence that made this movie so controversial when it was released, even with the scenes that were edited to tone down said violence restored, is highly unlikely to shock or offend anyone in the target audience today.  At least, anyone that has seen what violent films have so commonly devolved into…useless bore and gore fests that feature nothing except shock value.

The admitted cheeze is offset by the intentional cheezy commercials and constant satire throughout, and by the precision and focused direction of the film.

I think, having seen many of these types of films (sans script/interest), and being fairly convinced that the brilliant filmmakers of this generation have conceived and realized every possible gruesome, disgusting, and pointlessly sickening violent idea imaginable while still, AMAZINGLY, failed to generate interest for the most part, that this is a welcome blast from the past.  If only movies like this had…you know…stories, anymore.

Inspirational Quote: “Iiiiii LIKE it!”

Grade: A-

The Crow: City Of Angels (1996)

Aptly titled.  It’s ‘The Crow’, set in Los Angeles.

Imagine watching the shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake.

Now imagine expecting it to be different in some way before starting to watch.

For hard-core goths only…the same way the animated ‘DragonLance’ movie is for hard-core D+D geeks only.  But unlike that movie, not quite laughable.

Grade: D-

7/25/12: The standard for awful has been raised.  Therefore, this ascends.  Grade: D

Falling Down (1993)

Background: A world filled with chaos, pollution, hunger, poverty, injustice.

Take said world and introduce into it first a character (Michael Douglas, in the best performance I’ve ever seen him in) that seems to amplify the chaos of every situation by ten, and produce it where there is (or seemingly is) none (at least on the surface).  A character whose focus becomes more and more clear in his mind as his mind becomes more and more chaotic and without focus.

Introduce into that scenario a character (Robert Duvall, who is excellent as per usual) whose life is the very definition of tame, sedate, tranquil…non-chaotic.  A character whose focus gradually but surely lifts him out of that sedation, re-invigorates the true “will” in him, makes him alive again, so to speak.

Place these characters at such a point so that only one of their focuses (focii??) will be realized.

And one will.

Two ways to escape “drudgery”…fantasy and reality.  I’ll take reality.  (That would be Duvall).

Grade: A-

Best Worst Movie (2009)

I wrote a partial review for this and then threw it away halfway through.

I threw it away because while it’s hilarious to see horrible movies that aren’t meant to be horrible, and actors that realize their movie and their acting stunk and don’t mind, even ENJOY being objects of camp affection, when you go out of your way to embarrass someone who really doesn’t even understand they’re being made fun of instead of honored…that’s not funny.  That’s just mean.

And a mean geek is just as nasty as a mean non-geek.  I’m a non-mean geek. 

So call the first half an A- and watch the rest if you like sh1t like The Jerky Boys.

(‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ is worse than ‘Troll 2’ anyway)

Grade: C

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: D+

Day Of The Dead (2008)

It’s got minor “star” power in Ving Rhames, who appears to be channeling ‘Pulp Fiction’ while getting ready for his recent “intimidation” car commercial.

It’s got nothing else that isn’t elsewhere in vast quantities, some better, some worse, a lot just as good.

It’s competent.  Totally, completely, boringly, meaninglessly.

To take the potential of the original ‘Day’ and squeeze everything out of it that made it interesting and replace it with professional dullness is such a mystifyingly stupid act that I had to watch this several times to confirm they had in fact succeeded in this.

Romero’s original had only one weakness, albeit a glaring one: EXTREMELY cheezy acting/dialogue.

This does away with that, and replaces it with nothing.  Worthless if you’ve ever seen any halfway-decent zombie/infected/undead/deadalive/etc movie before at any point in your life, ever.

Grade: D

Autopsy (2008)

Real Critical Analysis: Not serious enough for people that like gore films, not funny enough for people that like cheezy gore parodies like ‘Hobo’, not cheezy enough for people that like ‘MST3K’, not gory enough for people that insist on ALL gore, ALL the time. 

Now, on to mocking it savagely.

Opening scenes would make a nice FB vacation collage if you could take out the music, which I assume is the latest and greatest project of the director’s best friend’s friend’s band.

‘Autopsy’ was filmed on location in a vacant hospital. (I LOVE that one)

Notable Characters:
O.W.A. Giveaway: Orderly who attempts to wheel a cart of body parts past a policeman.  Long pause.
Wandering Wasted Dude: So sad to see him go after they spent 15-20 whole seconds on developing character/relationship with female/conflict with male in the beginning.
Brain-Surgery-Surviving Heroine: Lots of stair-climbing.

1:10:45 – I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up.  Apparently neither does the actress.

Inspirational Quote: “Ohhhh…you got me dirty!”

Grade: D-

10/25/12: I SO want to be able to change my grade, so that I can say…

Cause of F: Stupidity.

But, sadly, I must retain my critical integrity.  Grade: D-

What Planet Are You From? (2000)

It starts off, very briefly, as a cheezy sci-fi movie.

Then, for quite a while, it becomes a cute, sweet, amusing-bordering-on-funny, fun comedy.

Then, when that’s done with, it turns back into a cheezy sci-fi movie, plus sappy.

If it had a real beginning and ending they’d really have something here.

Grade: B-

7/5/12:  Well, I forgot about the MASSIVE holes in the “plot”.  But, it’s still fun.  And cute.  Grade: C+

Kill The Scream Queen (2004)

This is already far more publicity than the hack deserves, but here it is…

Bill Zebub(yeah, he’s searchable, go ahead.  Or just find any local BDSM scumbag) apparently HATES organized religion, especially Christianity.

Which makes sense.  I mean, since he also hates and detests women, he can’t really ascribe to anything associated with Jesus Christ, who did NOT hate women.

Why does he hate women?  Who knows…there’s always the small penis theory, or maybe he’s just a misanthropic, misogynistic sadist.  OR…maybe it’s all an act. 

But if it’s all an act…what’s the point?  An “act” should be entertaining in SOME way, however trivial.

Bill calls women…I MEAN “scream queens”…”useless except for their *insert least witty term for breasts here*” 

Well…what the fck does that make you, Bill, since you don’t have them and can’t direct any more than the worst “scream queen” can act?  I mean, you tie up your victims before you do anything to them, you miserable little coward.

The character, I mean…

Grade: F-

Scar (2007)

Cr@ppier, completely unmotivated version of ‘I Boob what you Breast last Cleavage’ with intermittent flashbacks to cr@ppy gore film with unfulfilled cr@ppy aspirations to ‘Saw’.

Scorsese/DeNiro >
Burton/Depp >
X/X >
Y/Y >
Z/Z >
McKee/Bettis >
Weintrob/Bettis

Where X = Decent, Y = Mediocre, and Z = Poor

Make it STOP, Jimmy…make it STOOOPPP…

Inspirational Response: “No.  It never stops.”

Grade: F-

7/25/12: “Well…it’s not as bad as ‘Kill The Scream Queen'” – Me, echoed for many movies upgraded to an F.  Grade: F

Zombie Girl: The Movie (2008)

No idea how good ‘Pathogen’ is…that’s totally irrelevant, really.

This documentary of a 12-year-old girl’s two-year-long quest to make a movie is fairly informative, quite amusing, thoroughly positive and quite uplifting, the last two of which are the most refreshing/surprising considering it’s a zombie movie.  Kids have certainly changed, as they do every generation, but for what it’s worth this shows that not all modern teens focus most of their energy on making fun of bus monitors and waiting for the momentous day when they can finally drop out of school.

Inspirational Quote: “You…die right there…where do you wanna die?”

Grade: B

7/1/12: Slight overreaction after the unfortunate experience that is ‘Battle Royale’.  Grade: B-

Battle Royale (2000)

The only value this has, if it has any, is as inspiration/rip-off fodder for a lot of similar films since, all of which (that I’ve seen, at least…and all that I care to see, I am certain) are better.

I mean, what are people seeing in this that they call it a classic?  Or that they ban it?  It’s about as offensive as ‘Godzilla Vs. The Sea Monster’ (in terms of cheezy stupidity and laughability quotient) or, if you wanted to be extremely charitable, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…only it’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Hobo’ because the intent here was to make a meaningful, provocative film. 

Great intent, really…fascinating “idea”…but this succeeds about as much as ‘The Last Man On Earth’ did, which is sad given that this was made AFTER people (I thought) came to expect good acting in EVERY movie, including horror flicks.  I mean, it’s so HOKEY…it’s so completely and utterly shallow you might as well just read the script and imagine it, because there’s ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you can imagine anything WORSE than this realization of the concept.  Abysmal.

Grade: F-

Waterworld (1995)

Comparisons to the ‘Mad Max’ movies, besides being altogether too easy, are inaccurate.  Or at least imprecise.  Those movies were, at their best, what this is at its worst/cheeziest.

This doesn’t just add a layer of water to ‘Max”s post-“apocalyptic” sludge, it adds layers of decent acting, a (mostly) non-laughable script (the last-second rescue scene tests the limits of the imagination), real characters (well, at least a few) and a plot.

Not the amazing vision Costner wanted it to be (besides ‘Dances With Wolves’, is it ever?), but not the embarrassing failure some people dismiss it as.  It’s a decent, well-done action flick.  Suspend your disbelief, don’t be too much of a science geek for 2+ hours, and you just might enjoy yourself.

Look for: “I’m king of the world!!!”

Inspirational Exchange:
:Hopper: “What is it then, huh?  It’s the map.”
:Costner: “She’s my friend.”
:Hopper: “Golly gee a single tear runs down my cheek *vis* I mean you’re gonna die for your friend…”
:Costner: “If it comes to that.”

:Hopper: “…I don’t think you’re gonna drop that torch, m’friend…”
:Costner: “Why not?”
:Hopper: *In a calming voice* “Because you’re not crazy.”

Grade: B-

Hobo With A Shotgun (2011)

This is a rarity.

As completely, amazingly, and unwaveringly awful and tasteless movies go, this is a complete…success?  It keeps on suckin’ right to the end.

Most of these type of movies actually make the mistake of trying to slip in a random bit of intelligence or sentimentality or sense or character development or humor at at least one point in the film…but this resists all those urges throughout.

As Joel Hodgson said of ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ this movie was “filmed on location in a vacant lot.”

Suggestion for sequel: ‘Hobo With A Shotgun 2: Double-Barrelled’

Inspirational Job: Lawn-mowing

Grade: I can’t grade this…it’s a complete success at being a stinking pile of cr@p.  Make up your own grade based on your taste for stinking piles of cr@p.

Same-Day Edit: Must…give…grade…so I’ll give this the same grade I’d give a completely successful attempt at making a garbage movie.  ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’, for example, or ‘Fight Club’.
Grade: C

The Butcher (2005)

You know how, sometimes, just a few minutes into a movie you’ll know it’s going to be good?

And how, some other times, you really can’t tell for a while?

And then, some other times, you get 30 seconds in and realize that to sit through the pathetic sh1t-for-brains attempt at filmmaking it surely is would be not only a waste of your time but an insult to your intelligence?

Grade: F-

Nirvana: Nevermind (2005)

It’s a must-see for Nirvana fans…if you’re not a Nirvana fan, don’t bother.  I am.

Some of the commentary is redundant/irrelevant/boring.  And Courtney Love’s name in the credits is a lowlight.

But Butch Vig’s commentary about the making, actually showing/explaining how different tracks were made/mixed makes it worth watching.  And by definition the soundtrack is good.

Inspirational Quote:  “I don’t think it was cynical, and you know the media had it all like “cynical grungy despair uhhh” but it wasn’t, it was like a shot of life.”

Grade: A-

8/3/12: Sure, it’s worth watching.  But it’s flawed enough that you could get by without.  Grade: B

1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’.  Grade: B-

Donnie Darko (2001)

I find it kinda funny.

I find it kinda sad.

I find it kinda moving.

I find it kinda weird.

I find it kinda dull and pretentious when it goes for social commentary.

I find it kinda laughable that it is actually seriously analyzed by the cult surrounding it.

Grade: B

2/12/16:

Here’s why Donnie Darko’s “explanation” sucks:

It takes a great idea, great emotion; gut-wrenching perhaps for some…and throws it away on some nonsense time-sh1t cr@p.

How about the simple (and believable, and metaphysical, and EMOTIONAL) explanation of Darko’s visions as this: In the moment right before the “end” (in the beginning) he is asleep. In that moment, right before the event, he experiences a dream that lasts a moment but seems to last a month, everything finally coalescing – just as soon, time-wise, as it started – right before he wakes up and realizes it was a dream. And in that moment, EVERYTHING happens and comes together, and EVERYONE is faintly touched by the sheer power of the dream and emotion within, so powerful that it intrudes slightly into reality in a way people can’t quite explain. And they never will…THAT, is tragically beautiful.

If you’re going for emotion and mystical and metaphysical and…pick 20 more adjectives that apply…and this movie ABSOLUTELY is…it makes a HELL of a lot more sense to make the MEANING, the EXPLANATION be of the same nature as the actual movie. Or, to quote a wise man on the “explanation”: “What a load of cr@p!”

Thank God for subjectivity.

Nevertheless, because of the emotional (and despite the sh1t plot) potential, I feel I should add this:

Quote on ‘Donnie Darko’: (This applies to ‘Lo’. It could certainly apply to this as well.)

“it could take you to a deeply emotional place lying dormant in your soul.”

Grade: B+