It starts off, very briefly, as a cheezy sci-fi movie.
Then, for quite a while, it becomes a cute, sweet, amusing-bordering-on-funny, fun comedy.
Then, when that’s done with, it turns back into a cheezy sci-fi movie, plus sappy.
If it had a real beginning and ending they’d really have something here.
Grade: B-
7/5/12: Well, I forgot about the MASSIVE holes in the “plot”. But, it’s still fun. And cute. Grade: C+
This is already far more publicity than the hack deserves, but here it is…
Bill Zebub(yeah, he’s searchable, go ahead. Or just find any local BDSM scumbag) apparently HATES organized religion, especially Christianity.
Which makes sense. I mean, since he also hates and detests women, he can’t really ascribe to anything associated with Jesus Christ, who did NOT hate women.
Why does he hate women? Who knows…there’s always the small penis theory, or maybe he’s just a misanthropic, misogynistic sadist. OR…maybe it’s all an act.
But if it’s all an act…what’s the point? An “act” should be entertaining in SOME way, however trivial.
Bill calls women…I MEAN “scream queens”…”useless except for their *insert least witty term for breasts here*”
Well…what the fck does that make you, Bill, since you don’t have them and can’t direct any more than the worst “scream queen” can act? I mean, you tie up your victims before you do anything to them, you miserable little coward.
The character, I mean…
Grade: F-
Cr@ppier, completely unmotivated version of ‘I Boob what you Breast last Cleavage’ with intermittent flashbacks to cr@ppy gore film with unfulfilled cr@ppy aspirations to ‘Saw’.
Scorsese/DeNiro >
Burton/Depp >
X/X >
Y/Y >
Z/Z >
McKee/Bettis >
Weintrob/Bettis
Where X = Decent, Y = Mediocre, and Z = Poor
Make it STOP, Jimmy…make it STOOOPPP…
Inspirational Response: “No. It never stops.”
Grade: F-
7/25/12: “Well…it’s not as bad as ‘Kill The Scream Queen'” – Me, echoed for many movies upgraded to an F. Grade: F
It IS, if only by the very definition of the subject matter, interesting.
And it has Willem Dafoe.
But it’s neither as powerful and sweeping as ‘Schindler’s List’ nor as emotionally moving as ‘The Diary Of Anne Frank’.
If you’ve seen both already, you don’t need to see this. If you haven’t…why?
Grade: C+
Haunting/Chilling.
Moves with the ultra-slow mesmerism of a Dream/Nightmare you can’t awaken from.
Grade: A+
No idea how good ‘Pathogen’ is…that’s totally irrelevant, really.
This documentary of a 12-year-old girl’s two-year-long quest to make a movie is fairly informative, quite amusing, thoroughly positive and quite uplifting, the last two of which are the most refreshing/surprising considering it’s a zombie movie. Kids have certainly changed, as they do every generation, but for what it’s worth this shows that not all modern teens focus most of their energy on making fun of bus monitors and waiting for the momentous day when they can finally drop out of school.
Inspirational Quote: “You…die right there…where do you wanna die?”
Grade: B
7/1/12: Slight overreaction after the unfortunate experience that is ‘Battle Royale’. Grade: B-
The only value this has, if it has any, is as inspiration/rip-off fodder for a lot of similar films since, all of which (that I’ve seen, at least…and all that I care to see, I am certain) are better.
I mean, what are people seeing in this that they call it a classic? Or that they ban it? It’s about as offensive as ‘Godzilla Vs. The Sea Monster’ (in terms of cheezy stupidity and laughability quotient) or, if you wanted to be extremely charitable, ‘Hobo With A Shotgun’…only it’s not nearly as interesting as ‘Hobo’ because the intent here was to make a meaningful, provocative film.
Great intent, really…fascinating “idea”…but this succeeds about as much as ‘The Last Man On Earth’ did, which is sad given that this was made AFTER people (I thought) came to expect good acting in EVERY movie, including horror flicks. I mean, it’s so HOKEY…it’s so completely and utterly shallow you might as well just read the script and imagine it, because there’s ABSOLUTELY NO WAY you can imagine anything WORSE than this realization of the concept. Abysmal.
Grade: F-
Comparisons to the ‘Mad Max’ movies, besides being altogether too easy, are inaccurate. Or at least imprecise. Those movies were, at their best, what this is at its worst/cheeziest.
This doesn’t just add a layer of water to ‘Max”s post-“apocalyptic” sludge, it adds layers of decent acting, a (mostly) non-laughable script (the last-second rescue scene tests the limits of the imagination), real characters (well, at least a few) and a plot.
Not the amazing vision Costner wanted it to be (besides ‘Dances With Wolves’, is it ever?), but not the embarrassing failure some people dismiss it as. It’s a decent, well-done action flick. Suspend your disbelief, don’t be too much of a science geek for 2+ hours, and you just might enjoy yourself.
Look for: “I’m king of the world!!!”
Inspirational Exchange:
:Hopper: “What is it then, huh? It’s the map.”
:Costner: “She’s my friend.”
:Hopper: “Golly gee a single tear runs down my cheek *vis* I mean you’re gonna die for your friend…”
:Costner: “If it comes to that.”
…
:Hopper: “…I don’t think you’re gonna drop that torch, m’friend…”
:Costner: “Why not?”
:Hopper: *In a calming voice* “Because you’re not crazy.”
Grade: B-
Featuring a whole lot of actors who were A-list about ten years before this came out, and Jack Nicholson.
It’s a Tim Burton film, so here’s the usual summary:
Depp: Unusually not included
Burton: Apparently not over his Ed Wood fascination
Elfman: Cruising…even when he’s bad he’s ok
Only laugh of the movie: Tom Jones singing
Grade: D-
This is a rarity.
As completely, amazingly, and unwaveringly awful and tasteless movies go, this is a complete…success? It keeps on suckin’ right to the end.
Most of these type of movies actually make the mistake of trying to slip in a random bit of intelligence or sentimentality or sense or character development or humor at at least one point in the film…but this resists all those urges throughout.
As Joel Hodgson said of ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’ this movie was “filmed on location in a vacant lot.”
Suggestion for sequel: ‘Hobo With A Shotgun 2: Double-Barrelled’
Inspirational Job: Lawn-mowing
Grade: I can’t grade this…it’s a complete success at being a stinking pile of cr@p. Make up your own grade based on your taste for stinking piles of cr@p.
Same-Day Edit: Must…give…grade…so I’ll give this the same grade I’d give a completely successful attempt at making a garbage movie. ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate’, for example, or ‘Fight Club’.
Grade: C
Here is The Review.
I’d rather watch The Decision again. (That was The Amusing Reference).
The Plot centers around The Husband who is also The Father and The Misogynistic Sadistic Rapist.
The Movie is a pile of The Sh1t.
Grade: F
Cute, amusing little middle-brow satire, for the most part. Mike Judge’s approach tends to be a bit heavy-handed and his artistic talent a bit limited, so it’s not great…but it’s good. Sort of like almost everything else he’s ever done. And well-meaning, certainly.
Grade: B
*cringe*
“Dentist going psy-cho, it’s ser-i-ous…”
Grade: D-
7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: D
You know how, sometimes, just a few minutes into a movie you’ll know it’s going to be good?
And how, some other times, you really can’t tell for a while?
And then, some other times, you get 30 seconds in and realize that to sit through the pathetic sh1t-for-brains attempt at filmmaking it surely is would be not only a waste of your time but an insult to your intelligence?
Grade: F-
It’s bad enough that this is really horrible.
But to make it even worse, they show a clip from an even worse MoH episode during this one.
One good thing: It’s shorter than ‘Contagion’
Grade: F
11/23/12: Redefining “horrible” on a daily basis thanks to Netflix streaming sh1t. Grade: D-
The lead actress is interesting in an offbeat, root-for-the-underdog-weird sort of way.
The rest is pretty generic…script, acting, cr@ppy special effects, porn-star-turned-wanna-be-actress…you know, the usual.
Grade: D
12/31/12: The script actually is decent…otherwise, see above. Grade: D+
It’s a must-see for Nirvana fans…if you’re not a Nirvana fan, don’t bother. I am.
Some of the commentary is redundant/irrelevant/boring. And Courtney Love’s name in the credits is a lowlight.
But Butch Vig’s commentary about the making, actually showing/explaining how different tracks were made/mixed makes it worth watching. And by definition the soundtrack is good.
Inspirational Quote: “I don’t think it was cynical, and you know the media had it all like “cynical grungy despair uhhh” but it wasn’t, it was like a shot of life.”
Grade: A-
8/3/12: Sure, it’s worth watching. But it’s flawed enough that you could get by without. Grade: B
1/17/13: See ‘Pupdate: Documentary Grade Edits’. Grade: B-
I find it kinda funny.
I find it kinda sad.
I find it kinda moving.
I find it kinda weird.
I find it kinda dull and pretentious when it goes for social commentary.
I find it kinda laughable that it is actually seriously analyzed by the cult surrounding it.
Grade: B
2/12/16:
Here’s why Donnie Darko’s “explanation” sucks:
It takes a great idea, great emotion; gut-wrenching perhaps for some…and throws it away on some nonsense time-sh1t cr@p.
How about the simple (and believable, and metaphysical, and EMOTIONAL) explanation of Darko’s visions as this: In the moment right before the “end” (in the beginning) he is asleep. In that moment, right before the event, he experiences a dream that lasts a moment but seems to last a month, everything finally coalescing – just as soon, time-wise, as it started – right before he wakes up and realizes it was a dream. And in that moment, EVERYTHING happens and comes together, and EVERYONE is faintly touched by the sheer power of the dream and emotion within, so powerful that it intrudes slightly into reality in a way people can’t quite explain. And they never will…THAT, is tragically beautiful.
If you’re going for emotion and mystical and metaphysical and…pick 20 more adjectives that apply…and this movie ABSOLUTELY is…it makes a HELL of a lot more sense to make the MEANING, the EXPLANATION be of the same nature as the actual movie. Or, to quote a wise man on the “explanation”: “What a load of cr@p!”
Thank God for subjectivity.
Nevertheless, because of the emotional (and despite the sh1t plot) potential, I feel I should add this:
Quote on ‘Donnie Darko’: (This applies to ‘Lo’. It could certainly apply to this as well.)
“it could take you to a deeply emotional place lying dormant in your soul.”
Grade: B+
The greatest empirical evidence supporting the claim that George A. Romero has caused more harm than good.
Highlight: Dwarf taking a dump.
Grade: F-
Come on, I HAD to watch it…
If I were to take a Psychology 101 swing at it, I’d say the director has a LOT of issues with rejection and women in general. Or maybe he’s just weird. Cuz this is. It’s also amateurish.
But despite all this, there’s a certain sly intelligence running just under the surface as well as enough of a level of interest and the unexpected to allow me to have a guest review, courtesy of Spock-
“Fascinating…”
Grade: B-
5/3/14: Portions are fascinating. Others, not so much. Grade: C+
It was a lot more disturbing the first time I saw it. That was maybe 20 years ago.
Is that because it’s dated, because it takes a lot more to make a disturbing movie nowadays since things have gone more and more to sh1t in the world, or because I was just a kid then?
Probably a little of 2 and 3. It’s not really dated…
It’s just really sad that 2 is applicable.
It’s certainly bleak and since it’s based off an autobiography I won’t question the “reality” of it. But it won’t convert anyone from either side to the other, and it has absolutely no light moments.
As Dillon’s character might have said of it, it’s a real bummer.
Grade: B-
‘George A. Romero’s ‘Stephen King’s Even Worse Leftovers”
Notable only as a then-rare source for a horny, virginal 13-year-old boy to see a bare breast, even if it did belong to a woman named Jeremy and only briefly before she was consumed. In my day, we didn’t have the “internet”…we had to watch sh1t movies like this and hope for a boob shot. Get over it, I was 13. Upped a notch for nostalgia.
Grade: D-
Cheezeshow.
Or, ‘George A. Romero’s ‘Stephen King’s Leftovers”
Only “They’re Creeping Up On You!” is creepy.
Grade: D-
12/5/12: It’s not good, but I admit I do enjoy parts in a cheezy, nostalgic sort of way. Grade: D
9/13/23: Upon further review, ‘Creepshow 2’ still sucks, but I havta admit I kinda enjoy ‘The Crate’ as well as ‘They’re Creeping Up On You!’. Nice Carpenter references. And very “creepy”. And the last one (‘Creeping’) is even creepier. Skip the rest. Grade: C-
The last third is an exercise in cliche and waiting for the credits to roll.
Until then, Depp/Burton/Elfman create the marvelously beautiful, dark, and surreal vision that is every “goth” auteur’s ultimate and most fervent desire/dream, and then proceed to slam it into the ground. Repeatedly.
In short, it’s goth without pretension. Bravo.
Grade: B+
7/7/13: The last third, especially the “fight scene”, is too dull and/or stupid. Grade: B
Dark comedy that just happens to take place during a high school day.
Casey Siemaszko is brilliant, especially during the teacher-seduction sequence that is a variant on every hetero high school boy’s dream at one point or another. How do I know that? Experience.
I wonder if ‘The Mummy’ stole the library sequence?
Ending: Yes! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry! (He’s a pugilist).
Inspirational Quote: “Now that’s what I call a book report!”
Grade: B+
Billy Zane makes a great demon here.
He’s suave, sophisticated, intelligent, cunning, physically attractive, a brilliant liar, and he preys on people’s deepest pains and weaknesses as if they were objects to be manipulated as easily as possible and then discarded when they ceased being useful.
Why does that sound familiar?
Zane is great here, and Jada Pinkett (later -Smith) is the second-best character, IMPO.
It could use more depth to the flashbacks (you know, more than two time periods in 2000 years), but otherwise this is a good supernatural horror flick. Meaning, it has humor and intelligence with the gore.
Inspirational Quote: “I lied.”
Grade: B-
This movie’s pretty deep…must be, oh I don’t know, 20,000 leagues deep.
Grade: D+
5/3/14: The reason I usually give one-liners as reviews is because I don’t particularly care for the movie, even if I am forced to admit it’s of a decent grade. But this isn’t of a decent grade…it’s just boring, for the most part. Grade: D
Cute little twist on the genre in which a small group of zombies fight for survival against legions of the living living…runs out of steam about halfway through, but it’s a bit of fun until then.
Grade: C-
Airplane!
Aliens
American Beauty
American History X
Babe
A Beautiful Mind
The Book Of Eli
Braveheart
The Cabin In The Woods
Carlito’s Way
A Civil Action
Clear And Present Danger
A Clockwork Orange
The Crow
Dances With Wolves
Falling Down
The Fugitive
Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai
Glory
Goodfellas
Joker
Let Me In
Lethal Weapon
Men In Black
Minority Report
Monty Python And The Holy Grail
Nineteen Eighty-Four
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
Platoon
The Princess Bride
Pulp Fiction
Raiders Of The Lost Ark
R.E.M. – Parallel
RoboCop
Rowan Atkinson Live!
Saturday Night Live: The Best Of Commercial Parodies
Saving Private Ryan
Schindler’s List
Seven
Shadow Of The Vampire
The Shawshank Redemption
The Shining
Shrek
The Silence Of The Lambs
A Simple Plan
The Sixth Sense
Sling Blade
Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan
Swimming With Sharks
This Is Spinal Tap
Three Kings
Traffic
28 Days Later
Unforgiven
Witness
Last Updated: 7/20/24
A “serious” attempt at ‘How To Get Ahead In Advertising’??!!
“It’s dull. Dull, dull, My God it’s dull, it’s so desperately dull and tedious and stuffy and boring and des-per-ate-ly DULL.” – Michael Palin
Oh, and pointless gore.
Why would anyone make this film? Because the world is sprinkled with closet sadists. Dull ones.
Talk to the hand…
HAIKIBA!
Grade: F-
John Carpenter has made exactly three good films in his 40+ year career. And it’s not like the guy’s Stanley Kubrick, who was a perfectionist and only put out a film when he had made absolutely sure it was completely the vision he wanted it to be. Carpenter churns out movie after movie, most of which are cheezy and/or mediocre. So Carpenter’s success ratio is pretty wretched.
This is one of the three…probably the best, too, although that’s more indicative of Carpenter’s body of work than how good this is just taken by itself. The special effects and “horror” imagery are just as good if not better than when he regurgitates them 13 years later for a similarly flawed but entertaining movie (‘In The Mouth of Madness’), not to mention much more fresh. But there aren’t really any likeable characters here…there aren’t really any characters at all. Just a bunch of last names to differentiate man A from man B from man Z. Which makes it a lot easier to see them being killed one by one…you tend to feel more sympathy for a character when he’s more different from the next one than just “smokes weed” vs. “loves dogs”.
It gets a little hokey near the end…the guesswork is a lot of the fun, and the fewer contestants there are the fewer guesses there are to be made. But for those who care, here is J.C.’s “best”, preserved from 30 years ago for a whole new generation of horror fans who probably couldn’t care less about it since it’s thought-not-gore based. At least, somewhat.
Inspirational Ignorance: Sweden = Norway
Grade: B
7/19/12: It’s D@MN good for a movie without characters…D@MN good… Grade: B+
‘The Flying Rock’.
Differences that matter: Not as dumb, not as macho, more accepting of what it is (escapist action).
Also: Nic Cage plays a better hillbilly than special agent (Wow!) and J. Malkovich > S. Connery.
Differences that don’t matter: Setting, “plot”, the usual…
It’s a huge fun pile of steaming meaninglessness and one-liners.
Inspirational Quote: “I despise rapists. For me, you’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty.”
Grade: B-
4/1/14: MAN I was feeling generous…BARELY: Grade: C+
2/18/18: I dare you not to either laugh, snort, make that “yeah right…” noise or shake your head in revulsion at the stupidity that occurs in the beginning with the indescribably ridiculously bad and stupid and irrepressibly drab and awful letter exchange sequence.
Guest Re-View: “Hold it, hold it, what the Hell is that sh1t?!” Grade: D-
To get the actual movie quality review dispensed with, here it is…
The “action” sequences are almost as cheezy as the quasi-60’s “epic” film score.
At all other points, it’s very well-made and it is certainly as disturbing as it is intelligent. A fictional documentary of perhaps the absolute height of parasitical development – The infestation in human form.
For all the morons that worship serial killers for their “Non-Conformity” to banality, here’s the Sterling example of the problem with that…for every person that conforms to societal norms of limits/regulations of acceptable conduct because they’re too stupid and/or afraid to do otherwise, there’s one (hopefully many more) that does so because they accept the fact that without certain simple, basic generally accepted absolute limits on behavior (e.g. you can’t kill and eat someone for sadistic pleasure as Hannibal Lecter does) the world would be even more fcked up than it already is.
Only Pure Anarchists, Lunatics, and Liars would dispute this.
Hannibal Lecter, and any real-life variation thereon = Tremendous and complete waste of vast human potential reducing said person to the equivalent of any other parasite…a mosquito or tick, for example. That such a trivial thing can be worshipped is a statement on the desperation of some for an escape from the very same banality they supposedly despise.
Grade: A-
Chris Tucker is no Eddie Murphy (circa BHC and BHC2…BHC3 sucked).
Nor is he Will Smith (circa Men In Black)
Jackie Chan is no actor (although he’s entertaining and fun to watch in his sincerity, effort, and self-effacing humor(see the outtakes)…and a great martial artist).
But they work up a simply (by that I mean simple, not purely) charming on-screen relationship, aided by a good script, good supporting cast, and good ideas.
Chris Penn is great as a briefly-appearing convincing criminal, and the bad guy’s main henchman is amazingly soft-spoken, cunning and Rabid as a Wombat.
It’s quite entertaining to watch if you don’t demand Master Thespians.
Are you not entertained??!!
Inspirational Quote: “Wipe yourself off, man…you dead.”
Grade: B+
7/19/12: For cop-buddy films that focus more on comedy than violence, this is right up there. Grade: A-
4/9/18: A-List pruning. Grade: B
One of the best chase films I’ve ever seen.
And it has nothing to do with car chases, explosions, or any other generic action-film sh1t.
It’s about one brilliant mind versus another.
Grade: A
8/17/14: Too many parts aren’t up to the intelligence of the whole: too obvious, too dumb, or too cliche. Overall the movie’s good enough to survive this and it has some great parts, but these moments are noticeable and undeniable. Grade: A-
Oh, the Stupidity!
Lots and lots of loud, martial, “inspirational” music, riveting “action”, tons and tons of sh1t blowing the FCK up(!!), tons of other sh1t smashing into more other sh1t, some of that sh1t then BLOWING UP(!!!), oodles of manly man macho “dialogue”, some of it manly male-bonding, some of it manly-man conflict, 99 44/100 percent pure adrenaline, 100 percent overload of testosterone.
In other words, a typical Simpson/Bruckheimer flick.
I cannot use the word “film”, as “flick” is the appropriate term.
Unlike some of their better efforts, especially ‘Crimson Tide’, this does NOT escape the unbelievably absurd formula-muck most of their films/flicks slog through or sink down into.
‘Crimson Tide’ has less bullsh1t, less “action”, less cr@ppy “dialogue”, some decent characters, and the benefit of two great actors(Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman) and a great supporting cast.
This has Nic Cage and Sean Connery. Scarcely replacement…and the same goes for the supporting cast.
It has its moments…if you can somehow overlook or cringe/laugh through the character/plot “development”, the scenes with Ed Harris/David Morse/The rest of the “bad” guys (especially briefly with Connery) are interesting. And when you throw this much sh1t on the screen trying for excitement, you’re bound to generate at least SOME. Caveat Emptor.
Inspirational Quote: “Patriotism…is the Virtue, of the vicious…according to Oscar Wilde.”
Grade: C
7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C-
The message of this movie seems to be that (almost?) all teenage boys are wanna-be necrophiliacs/rapists.
I don’t buy it, and it’s easy to ignore the message when the movie sucks. Really sucks.
Inspirational Misspelling: Look for the sign.
Grade: F-
It’s not as inspired as the first…the script is mediocre in comparison and while Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith do their able best to sell it, the supporting cast is forgettable at best (Except Tony Shalhoub, who appears all too briefly).
If you haven’t seen the first, I’d recommend seeing it. If you don’t plan on seeing the third, this is optional but not necessary. If you do plan on seeing the third, this is good enough to watch once as a warm-up.
Inspirational Quote: “It rains because you’re sad.”
Grade: C+
The vast majority is generic zombie sh1t that’s been done a million times before by many different people (Romero included).
And just when you think that FINALLY the movie has moved beyond that, that Romero is going to make another “statement”, this time regarding existence or some other deep thought, it stays exactly the same. Maybe all of his “statements” all along have been purely accidental, because this sucks.
Labour of Worthlessness.
Grade: F
9/16/13: While pruning my F List, I came across this. I thought maybe I should take it off. The reason I don’t is because, with all the sh1t that’s come out in the zombie vein since ‘Night’, the fact that Romero seemingly is stagnant enough to make something so unbelievably redundant and meaningless in the very same genre he himself sparked (if not created) is deserving of nothing less than a big fat stamp of failure. Well done, George. Grade: F
“Originals and influentials they obviously are, but too often individual pieces of their unprecedented music aren’t necessary.” – Robert Christgau on Led Zeppelin
Grade: D
It could use a lot more Basil Exposition, and you knew that wine rack had to go in slooooo moooooo…it would be predictable to call it predictable.
It’s creepy as hell, of course…but it takes 81 minutes to accomplish what ‘Impeccable Lifeboat Cannibals’ and ‘The Undertaker Sketch’ do in about 5.
Inspirational Quote: from this movie? dialogue is at a premium.
Grade: D+
7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Nomnomnom. Grade: C-
It’s a really good cop-buddy action/comedy film. With aliens.
Inspirational Quote: “You know I’ve noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum…totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short…pointless…lives.”
Grade: A-
The acting is mediocre and/or methodical, the script is lacking, the continuity is poor, and the aliens are cheezy.
But it is…interesting.
Inspirational Quote: “If you can’t tend to your own planet, none of you deserve to live here.”
IQ2: “Zane, for once in your paranoid life will you please just TRUST me!”
Grade: C-
10/31/13: Well, Sheen’s acting isn’t bad actually. And Ron Silver is good, in limited action. Grade: C
8/9/14: One of the best, most interesting cheezy failures I’ve ever seen. Hey, Shar’s actually pretty nice…and cute. (I know, S=C). Grade: C
11/29/16: See ‘Clash Of The Titans’ for a fairly equivalent example. This is the benefit of enjoying *repeated* viewings. Grade: C+
Not sure what’s better, the inspirational “dialogue” or the riveting “action”.
The lack of any attempt at humor or intelligence leaves one wondering how a film about a man surgically attaching people together could be really, really dull.
“…the grotesque fusion at least silences the female leads, both of whose voices could strip paint.” – Jeannette Catsouli
Inspirational tongue-lick: guy climbing the stairs.
Grade: F-
When the most visually disturbing scene in a movie featuring self-impalement on a makeshift spear and someone diving head-first into a woodchipper is a guy licking someone, you know that you’ve graduated from generic “horror” gore/trash to fairly clever ‘Shaun of the Dead’-esque (in its genre-bending) comedy. More than just camp. Nothing revelatory, but as a ray of brilliant sunshine through parting clouds after any worthless gore flick.
Inspirational Quote: “I should have known if a guy like me talked to a girl like you, somebody would end up dead”
Grade: C+
12/6/12: It’s a clever little b@stard, even though it’s not as funny as it wants to be. Grade: B-
Almost as insanely inspired as ‘Monty Python and the Holy Grail’, and MORE tasteless!
Inspirational Quote: “No thank you. I take it black…like my men.”
Grade: A
The casting, at first glance, seems quite odd and doesn’t bode well for the movie, at least to me. But it turns out that everyone plays their role very well. When I think “great actors”, George Clooney and Ice Cube don’t exactly spring up at the top of the list. But they each establish a definite personality for their character, and maintain it consistently throughout the film. Mark Wahlberg’s performance is even better, and even Nora Dunn and Jamie *bleepin* Kennedy are convincing as what they set out to be (noble artistic integrity and moronic comic relief, respectively).
Not really a “War” movie because, well…the war’s over when the film starts. It blends action, drama, and comedy (sometimes obvious and sometimes cutely subtle) without any of the three elements taking away from any of the other three. Quite a trick, really. In that way it’s a bit Princess Bride-ish (that’s a compliment) without the romance (unless you count Clooney’s quickie).
A bit overlooked when it came out, this should have done a lot better than it did.
An excellent film.
Inspirational Quote: “Major Gates Major Gates!!!”
Grade: A
3/7/15: So did Schmitt’s Gay rip off the intro or vice-versa?
In all seriousness…
I never understood the policy of not standing happy endings.
I never understood the policy of not standing sad endings.
I never understood the policy of not standing neutral endings.
Provided they’re done realistically, they should all be accepted for what they are: part of life. Grade: A
It’s stark and brutal, which is appropriate for a war film.
It’s well-acted and contains characters with actual personalities that generated genuine reactions from me, both positive and negative, sometimes a little of both, which is necessary for a great film.
I find the moral ambiguity still refreshing and the movie still undated 26 years later.
Willem Dafoe is always a plus, and Tom Berenger turns in the performance of his career.
What the hell happened to Charlie Sheen?
Inspirational Quote: “I don’t need that sh1t…I AM reality.”
Grade: A
I’ve seen this way too many times so it doesn’t amuse me nearly as much as it originally did, but I think that’s more because the observations on pretentious, stupid Arena-Rock bands and their inevitable descents were more cutting and applicable in 84 (or even 94) than they are today. Bands seem, to me, to have learned to have a bit more of a sense of humor about themselves (with some exceptions) and the jokes hit home a lot more when you’ve been listening to the same pretentious and/or declining bands that the jokes apply to so aptly (Yes, Aerosmith, AC/DC, etc…).
A lot of people who didn’t grow up at or around the heyday of Arena Rock will probably just see this as a completely absurd collection of nonsense…but the fact that this was, at least at one time, VERY close to reality is just as sad as it is funny.
Nevertheless, it’s a must-see if you haven’t already and from what I hear it’s pretty d@mn accurate as pertains to a lot of its targets, according to some of the targets themselves.
Inspirational Quote: “You can’t really dust for vomit”
Grade: A-
If only Harrison Ford had been on board for this one.
A notch below ‘Clear and Present Danger’ because, although it is similarly complex, interesting, and “action-packed” it hasn’t aged QUITE as well, and because Alec Baldwin, while undeniably charming and talented in his own way, is no Harrison Ford.
But being the second-best film adaptation of a Tom Clancy novel featuring James Earl Jones isn’t a bad thing.
Inspirational Quote: “I didn’t. I had a 50/50 chance and I needed a break. Sorry.”
Grade: B+
7/19/12: Harrison Ford would be far too competent to get away with some of the things Alec Baldwin says/does in this. That’s a compliment to Alec…he’s a funny guy. Grade: A-
9/19/14: Too many blatant mistakes and cliche moments. Grade: B+
