Swimming With Sharks (1994)

Buddy Ackerman is over-played a bit.

Unless he really IS based on an actual human being, in which case it just seems (a bit) overplayed.

Either way, despite going just a LITTLE too far in the how-unlikeable-can-I-render-this-character department, Kevin Spacey does a brilliant and (a bit too, perhaps) convincing job of portraying a ruthless, merciless, cold-blooded and yet socially accepted psychopath…the kind that survives (even flourishes) because its weapon of choice is abuse, ridicule, and intimidation.

Frank Whaley (who?) is just as convincing as Guy, the prototypical good guy whose goodness becomes the focal point of the movie as it is tested repeatedly by Buddy’s blatant abuse until something has to give…and something does.

Saying more would sort of ruin it…worth a watch if you want to see how to appear menacing while discussing artificial sweeteners.

Inspirational Quote: “What do you REALLY want?”

Grade: A

Avatar (2009)

One of the most breathtakingly beautiful sights I have ever seen (including reality), the visuals are truly stunning and beyond complaint.  As I mentioned while watching it, “There could be no dialogue at all and I’d still want to watch the entire movie”.

Unfortunately, the visual display isn’t supported by dialogue that’s anything more than average, and the heavy-handedness of the rather obvious moral preaching (If you can’t spot the metaphors to reality, distant past and recent past, you need to read more American History) gets a bit tiresome after a while.  Not that I don’t AGREE with it…but you don’t need to slam people over the head with the obvious parallels to reality. 

Think of it sort of as a more ambitious but not as far-reaching sci-fi version of ‘Dances With Wolves’.

Grade: B

7/25/12: If you don’t mind obvious, this is as beautiful as it gets.  Grade: B+

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (1975)

Good old Jack at his devilish best, as well as a very good supporting cast displaying a wide array of emotions very convincingly.

The movie is more comedic drama with a bit of intense tragedy thrown in, whereas the book (from what I understand) is much more dark and intellectual.

R.P. McMurphy is an a$$hole, but at least he’s a GENUINE one…and a genuine anything, of course, is very hard to find.

Perhaps slightly over-rated by those who hail it as a masterpiece of American cinema (usually in retrospect after having written middling reviews when it first came out), it nonetheless is a truly great film and a Puppy must-watch, if not own.

Inspirational Quote: “I’m a Godd@mn marvel of modern science”

Grade: A

True Grit (2010)

I generally find westerns boring, not because of the setting but because they invariably are stupid, macho, and corny.  I’ve found a few exceptions, most notably ‘Unforgiven’, so I thought I’d give this remake a shot, as it had the advantage of not featuring John Wayne, at least.

It’s not stupid, macho, or corny…but it is boring.

The problem is that the believable characters are unlikeable and the likeable characters are unbelievable.  Jeff Bridges conveys about as much charm as Billy Bob Thornton in ‘Sling Blade’, but his character’s excuse (stupidity/alcoholism) isn’t near as valid as Thornton’s character (severe mental illness).  And Thornton’s character at least has quirks…and interesting dialogue.

Vastly overrated.

Grade: D

Carver (2008)

And the award for Most Dumbass Pathetic White Trash Serial Killer goes to –

The big fat guy in this movie.

I’m not being desensitized to the atrocious, horrible things done in this movie and in “horror” films like it, I’m just amazed at how many of these works of horsesh1t actually make it to film…they’re all the same – Dull, Meaningless, Stupid, Gratuitous…I mean, when you make ‘Friday the 13th’ look inventive by comparison, that’s sad. 

They say Truth is stranger than Fiction.  In this case, it’s just as dull.

“Based On Actual Events”, so I guess there’s a big dumb fat guy in jail somewhere getting a royalty check from this.

Worthless tripe…everything ‘Land of the Dead’ is not and what ignorant morons would prefer it to be.

Grade: F-

The Book Of Eli (2010)

It could use a bit more humor, as the few (refreshing) humorous moments make abundantly clear.  It could also use better supporting actors outside the “main” ones.  But the idea is ingenious, it’s well-written, well-made, Denzel Washington is great (as usual), Gary Oldman is delightfully weird (as usual), and Mila *bleepin* Kunis is the huge surprise…I didn’t expect much beyond (maybe) competence after seeing her accurately play a total ditz on ‘That 70’s Show’, but her character is intelligent, suitably emotional, and very believable.

To complain more, there are periods where it lags…but there are also some extremely interesting scenes and a few surpriiiiiiiiises.

Inspirational Quote: “Put that hand on me again you won’t get it back”

Evil IQ: “You don’t HAVE to understand…*I* understand…”

Grade: A-

8/30/14: It didn’t move me this time the way it has, but I think the above is still very accurate. And I wanted to quote one more time:

Inspirational Exchange:
“…I forgot to, live by what I learned from it.”
“Yeah, what’s that?”
“Just…do for others, more than you do for yourself. That’s what I got from it anyway.”

Grade: A-

Bruiser (2000)

As with most George Romero films, this is much better in conception than in reality.

The idea(s?) is smart and twisted enough, but too often it plods along and hammers home things that could better be delivered in a different way…after all, Insinuation really makes it happen.

Peter Stormare is a genuine weirdo, a la ‘8MM’, but most of the other characters are as featureless and bland as the lead is intended to be a symbol of…they should all be wearing masks.

Still, it has a certain style about it that makes it at least…well, mildly interesting.

Grade: C

Fallen (1998)

How does a mere mortal go toe-to-toe with a Demon and have the outcome hanging in the balance until the very end?  Ingenuity, patience, dedication, and a LOT of help from the Demon’s “Pride”.

Parts of it are fascinating and parts of it are hokey.  Denzel Washington, as always, is brilliant.

Inspirational Quote: “You know why?  Because cigarettes kill…”

Grade: B-

Witness (1985)

First, as brilliant a depiction of the simplicity, humility, and common decency of the Amish community as any documentary ever made on the subject.

Second, a completely forbidden and impossible love story made only that much more compelling by the inevitable tragic ending to it.

Third, a movie about a witness to murder and about police corruption.

In that order of importance and relevance.

Kelly McGillis glides easily from pure joy to sheer terror in the blink of an eye, as she is both totally fascinated with and totally repelled by Harrison Ford’s outsider and everything he represents.

It’s a bit of a disappointment that this was the best they could come up with to showcase the first two elements, as the third element is a bit dull and completely irrelevant to what anyone watching the movie is CARING about, assuming you’ve ever in your life wanted something you knew you couldn’t have.

Grade: A-

A Simple Plan (1998)

A brilliantly made cure for happiness and tranquility.

Really, it’s a great film…but it’s so remarkably dark and relentlessly hopeless that there’s no point in watching it unless you revel in those feelings…and I don’t.

Recommended to masochists and as a gift for people you don’t like very much.

Inspirational Quote: “Do you ever feel Evil?”

Grade: A-

5/27/12: I simply refuse to call this a “must-see”.  Nyah!  Grade: B+

7/19/12: In blatant disregard for your state of mind, in complete accordance with critical integrity…Oh, the Humanity… Grade: A-

A Civil Action (1998)

The excellence of the supporting cast (Robert Duvall, William H. Macy, Tony Shalhoub, James Gandolfini, etc…) mostly overcomes the typically wooden performance of lead John Travolta.

Based on the 1996 book of the same name, this omits large portions of the actual events and takes some cinematic liberties.  If you want to know the “real” story, read the book or the court case transcripts.  If you’d prefer a less truthful but far more consistently engaging and interesting experience, watch the movie.

Duvall in particular is outstanding as Jerome Facher, and delivers some of the best lines of the film with an easy, calm, subtle brilliance.

Inspirational Quote: “I don’t run away from bullies”

Grade: B+

6/3/12: Too much excellence to be spoiled by Travolta’s inclusion.  And he doesn’t suck.  Grade: A-

28 Days Later (2002)

It’s all the rage.  Ha!

Actually it’s quite good.  The script is very good, the direction is very good, and the acting is at least competent.  Which, given everything else, is enough.  Some of the visuals are stunning, in good and bad ways…in this film, the beautiful, peaceful, playful, and haunting exist intertwined with the grotesque, violent, vicious, and haunting.

I have no idea if it was intended, but I find symbolism in the fact that “Rage” inevitably destroys itself…the answer being no answer at all.  As with anger, it can keep you alive only for so long, no matter how strong it is.  Then you need something a bit more meaningful.  That, or you burn out.

What elevates this above the vast majority of “horror” films is what almost always does – Humanity.  The characters are portrayed as real, not absurd extremes of “Good” and “Evil”.  They’re capable of horrible and wonderful things…sometimes they’re happy, sometimes they’re sad, sometimes they’re scared…you know, real.

Two of my favorite scenes are the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ shopping homage, which is decidedly pleasant and amusing, and a scene near the end involving the male lead, which is decidedly unpleasant, and shows that human beings don’t need an infection to be truly enraged.

Inspirational Music: Inevitable build near the end.

Grade: A-

6/24/12: Not as gruesome as ‘Land’, but better.  Grade: A

Let Me In (2010)

This one made me think.  A lot.

Stripped down to the only parts that feel like they matter, this is a tender and touching story of pure, innocent friendship between two children who feel they have noone else.  Those scenes between the two ARE the movie…everything else is irrelevant, like a comedic side-story thrown in for a few gratuitous laughs, merely to put space between one interesting scene and the next.

The problem is it’s not comedic.  It’s disturbing, depressing, brutal, and merciless.

It’s terribly troubling…if the folklore vampire (here, or anywhere else) is so utterly Evil for killing human beings to survive, what does that say about human beings, since we are the only species that actively preys on itself for FUN?  We hurt each other, even kill each other…out of greed, lust, jealousy, sometimes just pure sadism. 

The very fact that I have morality makes me re-evaluate what I believe, and why, sometimes.  When a horror film can raise legitimate moral questions that can’t be easily answered in black and white terms, that’s a rarity.

Something to think about.  Or, more probably, not.

Grade: B

6/3/12: “Think think think, just think about it…” Grade: B+

6/24/12: This, I think, is “goth” in the purest, most unpretentious, morally ambiguous, and darkly beautifully spare way.  Quite an achievement, really.  Grade: A-

Perkins’ 14 (2009)

’28 Days Later’, cooked up in some lunatic’s basement.  Only it took 3622 more days and it sucks.

I’ve been trying to find the next great “horror” film (If I haven’t seen it yet, it’s new to me) in the vein of ‘Land of the Dead’ or ‘Seven’…this ain’t it.  It starts mediocre enough and then descends into one of the worst pieces of sincere(???) filmmaking I have ever seen, including MST3K.

I think an old (future) exchange said it best (regarding my search)…and I paraphrase:

“This is disgusting…this is absolutely, completely horrendous.  I hate this.  I HATE this!”
“Another?”
“Please!”

Grade: F-

Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer (1990)

Moral of the story: None.

Recommended highly to all VF members that list “Serial Killers” as one of their “likes”.  You want to meet one?  If you met Henry (Who is based on a real-life serial killer) and told him how “cool” you thought he was, he’d stare at you and then make you his next victim.  Dumba$$es.

Shocking when it was released, disgusting and pointless (not to mention outdated by those that need even MORE blood and guts to make a horror film…see “Gore Film Afficionados – Analysis Of A Subculture”) today.

Grade: F

11/21/12:  I suppose one could argue that the moral of the story is:  Some people are beyond help/sympathy (see ‘Natural Born Killers’).  Whether it’s their “fault” or not, it simply is so…therefore one must accept this and act accordingly.  As Henry can have no “friends” (He’s a sociopath, he doesn’t view anyone as a “friend”…people are things to him) to attempt to be his friend in any way is foolish and self-destructive to one’s self and everyone and everything in one’s life.  It’s like walking up to a scorpion with the best of intentions and then being surprised when you are stung.

All that being said, I still think this movie is a piece of sh1t.  The one-dimensional acting of the lead is, I guess, “brilliant”…he’s playing a Sociopath, after all.  Well done.  So what?  It’s still disgusting and pointless.  If you want to know anything about Henry/sociopathy, read a book/article/anything on the condition.

The only reason to watch this is if your favorite scenes in ‘A Clockwork Orange’ were the rape and ultra-violence ones and you wish Kubrick had filtered out all that other “meaningful” cr@p.

Grade: F

5/3/14: By my own comparison (‘Natural Born Killers’), just because I don’t like a movie (and I don’t like this one) doesn’t mean it’s a complete failure.  So for the lead’s “in-character” acting, this comes off my F list and hopefully falls further into obscurity.  Grade: D-

Wake Wood (2011)

Creepy.

A sort of European alteration of Stephen King’s ‘Pet Sematary’, with much less action and much more mood and ambience.  A bit bloody, but there’s far more internal struggle than external.  It’s a bit ragged in parts and strikes me as slightly amateurish, but there’s an undeniable morbid charm to it, if you like that sort of thing.

Worth seeing once and only once.

Grade: B-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Grade: C+

The Ward (2011)

Dear John:

Just saw your latest film.

In ‘In The Mouth of Madness’ the general incoherency of the plot was justifiable because the film itself was about insanity and you managed to get a few actual actors to appear in it.

In this one, the only true confusing “surprise” I’m left with at the end (or any time during) is why you haven’t retired by now.

Invoking H.P. Lovecraft grants one a certain license to be weird.

This film invokes a number of films, none of them very well.

P.S. – What’s the deal with your Kurt Russell fascination?  Tim Burton has better taste in obsessions.

Grade: D-

Alien Resurrection (1997)

Sigourney Weaver effortlessly carries the movie with the ease of someone completely in command of their character (Easier after three movies).  With Joss Whedon in charge of the script, it features plenty of kitschy drama and dark humor, often served together.  It’s also visually impressive if you can stand grotesque images, especially near the end.  It does lag a bit in the middle, though, and the characters are more amusing cartoons than persons of interest. 

And so it ends…

Grade: B-

Alien 3 (1992)

The bleak, depressing, dull, demoralizing, and downright BAD sequel to ‘Aliens’ was directed by David Fincher, and shows why he got to direct stylish, nihilistic nonsense like ‘Fight Club’ but leaves me shocked that he was handed the reins for an actual great movie (‘Seven’).

Apparently the formula here is to eliminate the likeable characters from the previous film and then introduce no new ones, instead surrounding Ripley with thoroughly bland and one-dimensional you’ve-met-one-you’ve-met-em-all types, and you don’t really need to meet one.

It’s the feel-bad movie of the year!

Grade: F

5/30/12: The benefit of adding professionalism to an otherwise worthless movie.  Grade: D-

4/25/16: Alien Cubed proves that sometimes more isn’t better. Grade: D-

6/3/16: Re: above comment, thank you RK.

Aliens (1986)

Exceptionally well-made sequel, more in the vein of drama/action than the first film’s sci-fi/horror, and much better.

Paul Reiser is remarkably sleazy, Sigourney Weaver is remarkably resilient, Michael Biehn is remarkably likeable/competent, and Bill Paxton is the most remarkably whiny Marine ever.

Inspirational Quote: “Game Over, Man!”

Grade: A-

6/23/13: This is certainly as good as fellow 80’s drama/action alums ‘Lethal Weapon’ and ‘RoboCop’, and it’s more imaginative and better written.  Grade: A

Babe: Pig In The City (1998)

I don’t know what the most depressing aspect of watching this movie is.

The unhumorous attempts at slapstick humor?

Mickey Rooney, a former star, in a thoroughly embarrassing and dislikeable role?

The almost complete lack of James Cromwell?

The disturbing animal scenes that should never have gotten a “G”?

The tremendous letdown from the first movie?

The costumes, scenery, and music remain attractive and interesting…but apart from a few scenes that harken back well to the spirit of the original (most notably involving Babe and an attack dog), this is fairly dismal and depressing.  Not exactly what you hope for in a “childrens” movie, unless you take your children to the cinema in order to traumatize them.

Inspirational Quote: “You must have a very thin grasp on reality.  Unless, of course, you’re suicidal.”

Grade: C

Night Of The Living Dead (1990)

Tony Todd shows in a leading role why he’s a good supporting actor.

This remake of the original ‘Night’ is less cheezy but far less innovative.  Not quite the redundancy of the shot-for-shot ‘Psycho’ remake, though.  Worth a watch for Romero/Savini acolytes and zombie-film addicts, otherwise just watch the original.

Inspirational Alteration – The ending

Grade: C

6/24/12: I’ve seen a lot of zombie movies.  Movie grading is subjective.  Therefore… Grade: C+

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. It’s actually decent and different enough to be worth a watch. Grade: B-

The Puppet Masters (1994)

“Lone Star” Donald Sutherland adds another film to his over-possessive aliens resume, but his performance is the only highlight in an otherwise unintentionally cheezy B-list tour-de-weakness.
Try Sutherland in the far more interesting ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’.

Inspirational Quote: “One”

Grade: D

6/24/12: Sutherland gives it some undeserved class.  Grade: D+

3/25/14: Initial review was overly harsh.  If you buy into it, it’s not bad.  Grade: C-

7/14/18: The Great Grade Update. Cheezy and enjoyable, like ‘Star Wars’, except not as good. Grade: C

The Running Man (1987)

Indescribably wretched Schwarzenegger vehicle that has absolutely nothing at all to do with the brilliant Stephen King novel.  Useful only as a media for circulating the tapes.

Grade: F

5/25/16: Compared to the book, this is sh1t. But that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily TOTAL sh1t. So I watched it again…
Cheezy writing, HORRIBLE acting by Schwarzenegger (his “emotional” refusal in the beginning is PAINFUL to watch), some really bad custumes, etc, etc, etc…but it’s got enough of a cool idea (via the book) to give it SOME objects d’ interest. Grade: D-

Thinner (1996)

Joe Mantegna’s performance as Richie “The Hammer” Ginelli is the lone bright spot in yet another bad movie based on a Stephen King (Errr Richard Bachman) book, unless you count Kari Wuhrer’s panties.

Inspirational Quote: “Like it?  Are you kidding? I *bleepin* LOVE it!”

Grade: D

6/3/12: They are VERY nice panties.  Grade: D+

6/24/12: Really.  Take a good long look.  Also, Mantegna’s brilliant if extremely underused.
Grade: C-

8/24/12: Mantegna, by himself, is as good as ‘Fight Club’.  And it’s a d@mn good thing for the rest of the movie, too.  Grade: C

Babe (1995)

As gorgeous and beautifully moving at its heights as the best Disney fantasies to anyone with any semblance of child-like wonder left in their hearts, or any hope for the possible Goodness of humanity buried beneath layers of legitimate cynicism.

There are certainly relatively “dark” scenes, but these move the film away from pure escapist fantasy and closer to a realistic but positive view on (possible) reality.

The optimist’s response, perhaps, to George Orwell’s relentlessly cynical (and brilliant) ‘Animal Farm’.  Which vision is more accurate?  Probably Orwell’s.  But I like this view infinitely better and maybe (MAYBE) if more people felt the same and worked towards THIS view instead of resigning themselves to Orwell’s, it could eventually become less of a fantasy and more of a reality.

James Cromwell is excellent in an understated role, but, of course, the pig is the star.

Costumes and countryside (and music) are lush and beautiful.

The mice are annoying to me but probably hilarious to little kids.  But this isn’t a “little kids” movie, it’s far too advanced intellectually and thematically.  So I’d like to remove them, but hey, what can you do…it’s only a minor complaint.

I can’t resist a wry smile when two groups are presented, both of whose opinions are narrated with complete neutrality, both of whom prove to be wrong.  It’s an obvious reference to “ism”‘s of any kind (Sex, Race, Etc…) as being, above all else, stupid.  It’s quite clever and, to quote a wise (fictional) being – “I do, in fact, agree with it.”

Humility and dedication triumphing over arrogance, ignorance, and closed-mindedness.  10.

Ending – Cue the Sun.  That’ll do.

Inspirational Quote: “If I had words to make a day for you, I’d sing you a morning golden and true”

Grade: A

6/24/12: Just don’t listen to the mice.  Grade: A+

The Return Of The Living Dead (1985)

It’s not a “zombie” film, because they run and talk pretty well.
It’s not a horror film because it’s far too silly.
So think of it as a comedy homage/parody to/of “real” zombie movies, most of which are much more gruesome but not nearly as clever.
You can safely call this a B movie.  On the low end.

Inspirational Quote: “Send more paramedics”

Grade: B-

2012: Oh come on, this is fcken hilarious.  Grade: B

Kick-Ass (2010)

The best trailers for this movie make it appear hilarious, as perfectly-timed one liners and quick exchanges seem to flow effortlessly and endlessly between almost all the characters, not just potty-mouthed Hit Girl.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, if you’re an editor) this is a carefully crafted illusion, putting all the best moments, action and comedy, together in one rapid-fire stream of coolness that is mostly out of context and which doesn’t account for the REST of the movie…which is mostly ok-but-tedious-in-comparison.

The gross violence of the Big Bad Boss and his henchmen is understandably shown…we’re SUPPOSED to hate them.  But what’s the point of showing an 11-year-old girl’s masterful, often grotesque slayings of henchman after henchman?  I suppose, given Hit Girl’s costume as she enters the last soon-to-be Slaughterhouse, it could be seen as a stern warning to be afraid of little girls…perhaps an effective PSA for Pedophiles, but otherwise just plain gross.

I have no problem with “dark” humor, I have a problem with a movie that sells itself as a dark-humor cartoon and then contains about five minutes of that and two hours (or so it seemed as I waited for the inevitable ending for an interminable amount of time) of mediocre slop.

Watch the trailers, laugh your ass off, then skip the movie.

Grade: C-

2012: Grade: C

Monty Python And The Holy Grail (1974)

The single best piece of sustained, intelligent, witty, and funny pure abject nonsense ever put to film.

OR

The film about nothing that’s really something.

Grade: A+

3/25/14: It’s hard to be perfect when you’re pure abject nonsense. Still great, though. Grade: A

7/30/16: Here we have the Pythons at the height of their collective powers. I could understand (even make) an argument that such a point occurred during ‘Flying Circus’, but for me this is their absolute (most triumphant) triumph both because of the quality of it (which is matched in certain ‘Flying Circus’ episodes) AND because the “newness” spark from ’69 had long since worn off here. There’s no “rush of ideas”, no headfirst dive into “let’s do whatever the fck we want!”…that’s long since over. The return of John Cleese (himself re-invigorated) re-invigorates the troupe, however, and blends inspiration with perspiration (and an actual budget) to present Python in its best light: the edits and re-takes and props, etc…are used to ENHANCE the comedy; not sanitize it, gloss it over, or cover it in layers of obfuscating BS. The same can never be said again. Grade: A+

Masters Of Horror: Jenifer (2005)

First Viewing Judgement: A worthless piece of pro-lustful-and-insane excess, a disgusting variety of fetish-porn for those who make Jeffrey Dahmer seem like he really WAS just the “typical guy next door”, a comedy for the sick-and-twisted that find extreme suffering, gore, and mutilation dismissively amusing.

Second Viewing Judgement: A lesson on the dangers of giving in to one’s dark side, a slap in the face critique of allowing meaningless lust to somehow justify abuse of the severely abused either by action or lack of action, destroy one’s real life job, family, love, relationships, morality, personality, self-control, and basically the entirety of everything a person is.

Recommendation: If you have a hearty stomach for gore and a strong mind for disturbing material, it’s worth watching if only to scare the fck out of you as to what would happen if everyone gave in and embraced excess as THE blueprint for life without any sort of restraint or restriction.

Grade: B

3/31/14: Looking back, I don’t think it was either.  I think it was someone trying to make as CREEPY a fcken movie as possible.  And they did a good job.  Although I’d like to think some of those “Second Viewing” things were at least somewhat intended.  Grade: B

Extreme Measures (1996)

Starring Hugh Grant (When he was a star) and Gene Hackman (Who always is one), and with good, solid supporting performances, this is a feature-length Morality Play.  Where it goes is fine, but the ending seems to choose a side…perhaps the correct side, perhaps the side you agree with (perhaps not), but a side nonetheless.  It therefore loses its power as a work of art to be “puzzled over” and becomes a good movie with a nice message.  Needless to say, that’s a bit of a let-down.

Grant plays a doctor (Guy Luthan) who has to make a choice, in the beginning of the movie, between helping a cop whose wife is at the hospital crying and a psycho on drugs that shot said cop before being shot himself.  The decision seems obvious, as does Luthan’s father’s background, as foreshadowing the eventual conclusion.  Luthan is conflicted from the start, but you (at least, I) never really get the sense that the internal struggle will end up going anywhere but where it does go.

So what’s left?  I mean, if a thriller has a fairly predictable ending, how thrilling can it be?

Well, it’s not particularly thrilling.  But it is well-crafted, well-executed, well-acted, and so forth.

The questions raised in this movie could have been made more challenging by a more objective approach…most people will probably agree with the final “decision”, and it probably won’t take that much thought to reach that agreement.  The extra sugar-coating in the epilogue doesn’t help matters much, either.

All that aside, if you can suspend assumption for a while, this is a very enjoyable movie.  Nothing special, nothing revelatory…it will disturb you, yes, but it won’t particularly surprise you, I don’t think.  Sort of like an Agatha Christie novel in which the killer is given away on page 10.

Inspirational Quote: “Anything.”

Grade: B-

2012: Grade: B

8MM (1999)

Yet another film almost destroyed by Nic Cage’s horrendous acting.  I mean…it just seems SO wooden, even when he displays emotion it seems as if he’s just reliving acting classes that describe how you SHOULD appear when angry/upset/etc…and he’s great at faking it, I suppose…but to me his appearances are more camp than anything else.  I mean, when someone gets more angry over the alphabet than a homicide, you know there’s something amiss.

So Cage is consistently cr@ppy with occasional moments of believable mediocrity.  FORTUNATELY, Joaquin Phoenix is consistently good, and the rest of the supporting cast makes the film enjoyable…although perhaps they’re just so good when compared to Cage?

Sort of a guilty pleasure, I suppose…partly because it tackles a subject that very few films would, and partly because the bad guys are so convincing in their nastiness.

The story concerns a supposed “snuff” film, but that’s really just an excuse to introduce some majorly fcked-up characters into Cage’s life, to show how Evil evil can be, to make money off of sensationalism, and so on.  The moral “questions” (I already knew the answers before I saw the film) are obvious, at least to me.

Very few films that are this disturbing conceptually are this marketable in reality…think of ‘Dead Alive’, which intentionally does everything possible to offend/disgust, but succeeds only in the second way…it’s hard to be offended by something so campy and predictable.

Inspirational Quote: “He’s SAYING…that *name removed for spoiler reasons* fcked us…which is so totally completely bi-zarre…”

Grade: C+

2012: Phoenix, Gandolfini, and especially Stormare save this from the plague that is Nic Cage.  Grade: B-

Seven (1995)

Yes, I know some people put the number seven in place of the v. I don’t. Who gives a sh1t?

Rather than bore you with a blow-by-blow recital of things you already know/can guess, here is a comment on each “Deadly Sin”, in alphabetical order.

Envy: Don’t know if I buy the explanation for this one, seems a bit too wrap-up-ish and less real…but deserved? Oh, absolutely. Merciful, even.

Gluttony: Ok now this one is just obviously plain wrong. I mean, if death awaits you for eating too much spaghetti, then perhaps the Crusading Atheists/Antitheists have a point. It doesn’t, of course…and neither do they.

Greed: Defense lawyers are not, by definition, scumbags. Plenty of members of each side lie, cheat, and steal. But this is a good way to make people uncomfortable.
“He didn’t deserve that! Well…he was sort of nasty…ummm…”

Lust: Just record it and give it to his wife, you sick b@stard. And why is it HER fault, too? You sexist pig, JD.

Pride: He almost descends to Jigsaw-level with this one…(that’s an insult). Although Morgan Freeman’s description of what happened is more interesting than anything after the original ‘Saw’.

Sloth: How can the laziest person he can find be a drug dealer? That takes some movement, I would think…and his other activities, while heinous, have nothing to do with Sloth.

Wrath: Now this is where there is a REAL choice…it’s a clear moral dilemma, accomplishing in one scene what ‘Saw’ 1 through 187 fail to in their entirety.

Oh…great movie, too. Just cut the boring easily-solved-in-Brady-Bunch-time diner scene.

Inspirational Quote: “Honestly…have you EVER seen anything like this?”

Grade: A

Fight Club (1999)

Guest Review:
“It’s macho porn — the sex movie Hollywood has been moving toward for years, in which eroticism between the sexes is replaced by all-guy locker-room fights. Women, who have had a lifetime of practice at dealing with little-boy posturing, will instinctively see through it; men may get off on the testosterone rush…
Is Tyler Durden in fact a leader of men with a useful philosophy? “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything,” he says, sounding like a man who tripped over the Nietzsche display on his way to the coffee bar in Borders. In my opinion, he has no useful truths. He’s a bully–Werner Erhard plus S&M, a leather club operator without the decor.” – Roger Ebert

The most cheerfully vaguely pro-organized-Anarchy piece of ultra-soft-core homosexual porn ever filmed.

Grade: C